Chapter 34

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Chapter 34: Do What You've Got To Do

"He did what?" I exclaimed, not believing my ears. "Was he sober?" Troy being drunk or high were the only possible explanations I could think for him breaking up with Zack, but my heart sank when I saw Zack nodding his response.

"He told me he didn't want to be with me anymore and to get out of the apartment," Zack spoke through the torrent of tears. "And he was sober, both the first time and yesterday, when I went back with Brett and Moose to get my stuff."

Memories of all the horrible things I'd said to Jasper when he came out and the following day, when he came to get his stuff with Emmett, flashed in my brain. But in my case at least there was a catalyst for my actions. Not that it excused my reaction, but still, Zack had done nothing.

"So you moved out yesterday?"

He nodded. "I didn't know what else to do. He doesn't want me."

"I wish you had come to me right away, before you moved out. Obviously I don't know what's going on with him, but let's go talk to him, get to the bottom of it."

Zack shook his head. "He doesn't want to talk to me. He's been ignoring my e-mails and phone calls. I guess he didn't love me after all, or he changed his mind when we started living together. Or maybe he just found someone else - maybe that guy I saw him making out with at the party? I don't know. But he doesn't want to see me or talk to me, and now I'm starting to feel the same way."

"Zack," I reached out to pull him into a hug. "Like I said, I don't know what's going on with him now, but I know Troy loved you. He was always afraid that you'd leave him. None of what you're telling me makes any sense."

Zack stiffened in my arms. "I'm not lying," he said defensively as he tried to pull away.

"I'm not saying you are. I believe you. I just don't understand what would make him act this way."

"I've tried to figure out what I might have done, but I can't think of anything. He just changed. He doesn't want to be with me anymore and I have to deal with that. But even if we're not together I just... I'm worried about the drinking and the pot. He's not paying much attention to school, but that's the least of it. I worry more about his health. Like I said, I couldn't go to his dads, but maybe if you talk to him... he's always looked up to you."

"Oh, I will definitely talk to him, have no doubt about that. But what about you? Where are you staying?"

"I'm looking for a new place. For now, I'm staying with Brett and Jordan. They've both been really great. I guess I owe you for that. I never would have met Brett if it hadn't been for you. He's a really good friend."

"If you can, hold off on that search for a little while. I need to talk to Leo, but whatever happens, you shouldn't have to move. He's the one who made a decision and it's not his place to tell you to go."

"It doesn't matter, Edward," Zack shrugged. "I can't really afford that place on my own. I'll just find somewhere else to live."

"Zack," I put my hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry about the money. Okay? I don't know what's going on and what I can do. I may not be able to fix everything, but I sure as hell can make that right. Let me do this as a favor for you coming to me and not Bruce and Tyrone."

He hesitated. "I'll think about it," he finally conceded and looked at his watch. "And now I have to get going. I borrowed Jordan's car to get here, but he needs it back tonight."

I walked him to the car and watched him get in. At the last minute I had a thought and asked if he still had keys to the apartment. Without a word, he fished the key out of his pocket and handed it to me. When I told him I'd be in touch he just nodded, and then he was gone. I stood in front of the house looking at the key in my hand, wondering what the fuck was going on and how the hell to deal with it. I wished I could call someone for advice, but Emmett and Seth really didn't have a lot of experience with stuff like this. Maggie and Rosalie had their hands full with the kids, so they sure didn't need another thing to deal with. For obvious reasons I couldn't call Bruce and Tyrone, and while I was pretty sure Cliff would understand if I called him about something like this, I was still reluctant to break our no-contact rule. That left Roger and Yvonne, and while I was reluctant to involve Roger in my personal life drama now that he was my boss, he had helped me to deal with Leo before, and I knew I could count on his wisdom and discretion.

Talking with Roger on the way to Troy's apartment was, as usual, very helpful. It didn't, however, make me any less angry. I didn't know what the hell had gotten into Troy. After two years of paranoia about losing Zack, how could Troy just toss him aside for no apparent reason when they were finally able to live together in the same place? And with everything that Bruce and Tyrone and the rest of us had tried to teach him about the importance of living a healthy lifestyle, how could he ignore all that to get caught up in the party circuit? Sure, I knew he was young, I knew he had felt repressed in Spokane, but we all believed he had been mature enough to handle the college environment. It was disheartening to find out that we'd all been so very wrong.

As I suspected, Troy wasn't at the apartment when I arrived. I let myself in to find the place in a state that I knew Zack would never have allowed. The kitchen sink was filled with dirty bowls, plates and glasses and the counter was littered with fast food bags and wrappers, chip bags, a pizza box with remnants of the pizza still in it, and empty or half-filled cans of soda and beer. The living room was still relatively tidy, indicating only that Troy had not spent a lot of time home. In the bedroom, the bed was unmade and discarded dirty clothes strewn over the floor added to the ambiance. On the nightstand next to the bed I found Troy's HIV medication, side by side with a bag of weed, some wrappers and a cigarette lighter. I immediately flushed the pot down the toilet and deposited the wrappers in the trash, pocketing the lighter. Thoroughly disgusted, I went back to the living room, sat down and waited. My anger seemed to grow exponentially with every minute that went by. I was glad that this was a Wednesday, which meant I could stay all night if needed and didn't have to worry about finding someone to fill in for me at work. Zack couldn't have timed his visit better if he had planned it. I stopped short at that thought, realizing that Zack probably had deliberately come to me on the evening before my day off precisely for this reason. It was almost painful to realize how much he was still doing for Troy, even after being so horribly mistreated.

Troy finally stumbled in around 2:30 in the morning. It was probably a good thing that he was drunk and made a ton of noise, because I had already dozed off on the couch. I was a little disoriented when I was startled awake by the ruckus, but in a few seconds I knew exactly where I was and why I was there.

"Hello, Leo," I said darkly as I stood up. I could tell by the way he flinched that he hadn't realized anyone was in the apartment with him. He squinted at me, his eyelids fluttering in an attempt to stay open. He leaned back against the wall for support.

"Gem?" his voice was slurred and he spoke slower than normal. "What are you doing here?"

I stared at him without answering. The shape he was in, he wouldn't remember anything I told him anyway.

"What's wrong?" he asked, apparently still able to figure out that I wouldn't be waiting for him in the middle of the night if everything was all right.

"It's a Wednesday night, Leo. Correction, it was Wednesday night when I got here. Now it's Thursday fucking morning. Where the fuck have you been?"

"Jesus, Gem! Do you have to yell? I was at a party. No big deal," he pressed a hand over his eyes as he spoke, as if I'd struck him with my voice. "What's wrong?" he repeated.

"What's wrong is this is a fucking school night for you and you should be Goddamn sleeping or studying, not getting drunk off your ass and crawling back home at the crack of dawn!"

Troy lowered his hand and looked at me resentfully before walking past me and reaching to take his car keys from the hook by the door. He was clearly trying to leave, but I grabbed him before he could turn the doorknob.

"There's no fucking way I'm letting you get behind the wheel of a car in this state," I growled.

"I wasn't gonna drive it," he growled back.

"Oh, really? What the fuck were you gonna do with it, then?"

"I'm tired and I have a headache and I came home for some peace and quiet, but if you're just gonna stand here and yell at me, I can go sleep in the car."

"Like hell, you can," I pulled him back and turned him towards the bedroom. "You're gonna go in there and sleep off whatever shit you put into your system tonight, and tomorrow morning you're gonna explain to me exactly what the fuck you've been doing and why."

He opened his mouth and it looked like he was going to protest, when someone pounded on the door.

"Open up, Troy, I know you're in there. Time to make good on your debt, boy, I got my nice fat joint right here for you."

I gave Troy a hard stare and raised my eyebrow in silent question.

"It's just a guy who gave me some weed. I told him I'd pay him for it but he said he didn't want my money. Don't look at me like that. I was gonna pay him or give the weed back. I wouldn't fuck him for pot."

I didn't want to ask what he would fuck the guy for. I didn't want to know the answer.

"I haven't even smoked any of it yet, I'll give it back," Troy continued and moved towards the bedroom.

"Don't bother," I told him. "It's not there anymore." I held up my hand at his outraged expression, but before I could speak the guy outside pounded on the door again.

"I can hear you in there, Troy. Open the motherfucking door."

Troy suddenly looked scared. I couldn't imagine what he would have done if I wasn't here with him.

"Go to sleep," I told him, "I'll take care of this. Go!" I ordered when he seemed reluctant again. He finally turned and disappeared in the bedroom. I followed him far enough to close the door behind him, then fished a few bills out of my wallet, replacing it back in my pocket before I went to open the door. The punk outside was on the short side but stocky, so he easily would have overtaken Troy in a fight. It looked like he was counting on that, too, which was why my appearance at the door caused him to take a cautionary step back.

"Who the fuck are you? Where's Troy?" Once he was out of my arm's reach, some of his bravado returned.

"None of your fucking business. Get the fuck outta here."

"Fuck you, asshole. I'm here to talk to Troy. Me and him have business."

"Like hell you do. I already told you, and this is the only time I'll repeat myself. Get the fuck outta here while you can still do it in one piece. Don't come back and don't try to see or contact Troy again." I was seriously pissed off and sounded menacing even to my own ears. I must have looked it too, because the punk took another step back.

"Look," he reasoned, "the kid didn't tell me he was somebody's bitch. Now I know, I'll stay away from him. But he still took some shit from me and he needs to pay."

I threw the bills in his direction. They fell to the floor, short of where he stood.

"That should more than cover what he got from you," I growled. "I see or hear that you've been anywhere near here or him again and you're gonna be my bitch. Now don't make me say it a third time."

He bent down to retrieve the money, never taking his eyes of my face, and then quickly and wordlessly retreated. I closed and locked the door to the apartment. breathing a sigh of relief that I hadn't had to get physical. I looked over in the direction of the bedroom and found the door cracked open, Troy peering out from inside the room.

"Thanks," he said quietly.

"Get the fuck to sleep," I barked. The bedroom door closed again and I made my way back to the couch. I didn't bother turning off the light, figuring I would not be going back to sleep. I didn't know if I could trust Troy to stay in the apartment, and I could afford one sleepless night to make sure he was there for our morning discussion.

As it turned out, my concern was unnecessary. Not only did Troy spend the entire night in his bedroom, he slept in long into the morning. It was close to noon when he finally emerged from his bedroom, wearing only a pair of boxers and shielding his eyes from the daylight.

"Hey," he said "I didn't know if you'd still be here."

"Did you think if you slept long enough I'd get tired of waiting and you could just avoid telling me what the hell you've been doing? Sorry, it's not gonna be that easy."

"I haven't been doing anything, except have a little fun."

"Drinking, Troy? Pot? Guys who stop over in the middle of the night wanting to stick their dick in you in exchange for drugs they gave you? That's your definition of fun?"

"I told you, I wouldn't have fucked him for the pot. I would have given it back to him, if it had been here to give back."

"I would have liked to see you try. If I hadn't been here and he wanted to fuck you last night there's no way you could have fought him off."

"I wouldn't have had to fight very hard," Troy yelled angrily. "You think I need you to protect me? Well, I don't! I've got the best sort of protection built in. All I'd have to do is tell him that I'm positive, and remind him that I can scratch and bite, and he would have backed right off. So don't stand there like some sort of savior, 'cause I can take care of myself. Why are you here anyway, Gem?"

"I'm here, Troy, because of a really sweet kid who, for some reason I'm not sure I understand after what you did to him, is still worried sick about you. Worried enough to tell me what you've been doing in the hopes that I could talk some sense into you, so that he wouldn't have to get you in real trouble by telling your fathers what's been going on."

"Zack! I told him to stay out of my fucking life! He shouldn't have said anything to anyone, the Goddamn snitch!"

I wanted to slug him. If he wasn't so fucking small, I might have. I grabbed his shoulder instead and shoved him onto the sofa.

"You moronic ingrate! You should be on your knees thanking him that he came to me. What do you think would have happened if he hadn't? Do you think you can just party through four years of college without anyone noticing? What about your grades? You think I don't know what it's like to spend all your time drinking and doing whatever the fuck you want? You think I don't know the consequences of that? I did the very same thing my first term in college and ended up on academic probation, almost got myself kicked out of school. Is that what you want? Let me tell you, it took nearly the rest of my time in college busting my ass every term, including summers, to bring up my average to a decent level. Zack, at least, is smart enough to try to spare you that by letting me know before it's too late. And don't even get me started on the fact that when I was doing all the same stupid shit, I wasn't on daily medication and I didn't have a fucking virus that was just waiting for me to do what you're doing, to get my system so damaged and defenseless that I couldn't fight it off, so that it could take over and kill me."

Troy looked up at me, silent tears flowing down his cheeks, his expression so hurt it was almost enough to stop me. But I was on a roll, and I hadn't said everything I needed to say yet.

"And as if all that stupid shit wasn't enough, you took this beautiful kid who's been in love with you for over two years, who by your own admission could have been with others but waited for you, who was even willing to overlook you messing around on him, and you just tossed him aside without a second thought. And you even had the balls to accuse him, without any foundation, of doing what you both knew you had done. Why? To make yourself feel better? To somehow excuse the things you did? It doesn't work like that, Troy. Saying he did things won't undo the things you actually did."

"Just because I never caught him, doesn't mean he never did anything. Come on! He was living with Brett all last year. Something must have happened. Just look at where he went after he left here. Look where he's living now," Troy was belligerently defensive.

"If you really believe that, you're even dumber than I thought you were. Brett and Zack are friends. Zack is staying with Brett and his boyfriend. You think Jordan would let Zack stay with them if he thought for even a second that there was something between them? God, how can you be so stupid? And blind?"

I stopped talking. I didn't know what more to say. Outside of ignoring his disease, he was doing everything that I had done in my first term of school, ignoring his responsibilities, pushing away the person who loved him, accusing him of things that had no basis in reality. I remembered the look on Zack's face and I remembered what Jasper looked like when I flung my accusations at him after I found out he was gay, and the similarities were excruciating. Troy was making all the same mistakes, he had made all the same mistakes, and he didn't even have the flimsy and stupid excuses for doing it that I had. What he did have was a history of addiction and a precursor to a disease that could kill him if he didn't start taking care of himself.

"Why are you here?" Troy asked me, his tone injured, yet still filled with insolence. "If you think I'm so dumb and blind, why are you even here?"

"I'm here, you ungrateful little shit, because no matter how you see me right now, I still see you as my little brother. And as your big brother, it's my job to straighten you out and save you from making the same mistakes I made when I was your age."

"Screw you! I don't know what you're talking about. I don't need to be straightened out and I don't need you. I'm fine. Just go away and leave me the fuck alone."

"Really, Troy? Are you sure you want me to do that? It would be so easy for me to walk out that door right now. I'll just make one simple call to Bruce and Tyrone and wash my hands of all this. You think it's my life's ambition to take in a little punk who doesn't know his head from his ass? Like I don't have enough things to do and problems of my own?

I sighed and turned towards the door, suddenly completely drained from the realization that I was about to lose yet another person I had grown to love. I wanted to help him, but he didn't want my help and there was no way to force him to accept it.

"Wait! You can't do that! You can't call Bruce and Tyrone. They'll make me go back to Spokane. I can't go back there!"

I turned to look back at him. Clearly he didn't get all the potential consequences of his actions yet. "I honestly don't know what they'll do. If you're lucky, they'll ask you to go back to Spokane. And if you're smart and they do ask, you'll go with them. But that's another thing you don't seem to understand. You're not a kid anymore, Troy. You're 19 and a high school graduate, and you have to take responsibility for, and accept the consequences of your actions. Consequences that may last years, maybe a lifetime. Fuck! Did I learn that the hard way when I was your age. No one can make you go back to Spokane if you don't want to, and Bruce and Tyrone don't have to ask you to go back. I'm sure they will, because they love you and will want to do whatever they can to help you, but after everything they did for you, I can only imagine how disappointed they'll be when they hear this. I know how disappointed I am," I finished and turned back for the door.

"What would I have to do? What would it take for you not to call them?"

I paused with my hand on the door handle as I considered his question. It was tempting to keep going, right out the door. I had given him a chance and he'd rejected it. I could go back home having at least tried to play the big brother. But I'd also know that I hadn't tried really hard enough. As far out of my depth as I was, he was still farther, and still needed someone to pull him back to shore. I thought about how many people in his life had given up on him, and knew I couldn't be another one. Yes, going through this with him would be painful and uncomfortable, but Roger had given me some ideas and if Troy agreed to try... I took a deep breath and turned around again.

"If you want to try to fix this without Bruce and Tyrone, I'll help. But I warn you now, it won't be easy. There'll be rules and they won't be negotiable. You'll hate everything I tell you to do and you may even end up hating me, but if you don't agree to do what I tell you then I might as well make that call now. I know it's harsh, but that's the only way I'm willing to do it."

"Can I hear what I have to do before I agree?" he asked. I nodded. It was a reasonable request. He should know what he was getting into. I walked back to the living room.

"First, Zack will move back here. It's his apartment too and you had no right to kick him out."

"What if he doesn't want to move back in with me after what I did?"

"It won't matter, because you won't be living here. Until you get your act together and until I'm sure you're doing OK in school, you're gonna live with me in Covington. And not in the apartment, either. In the guest room, where I can keep an eye on you."

"But Covington is so far," he complained weakly. "I have early morning classes and the traffic is so bad."

"If you can stay up all night and party, you can go to sleep early and get up in time to drive in for your morning classes. That's the way it's gonna be. And on weekdays, after your last class is over you'll come back home and do your reading and help me out around the house and help take care of Remmy and Liam if he's over. You'll have to do your share of the laundry and cooking and dishes and all the other household chores. And we'll find a support group for you to join to deal with the drinking and the pot."

"I can't ever go out except to school and back?" he asked, incredulous.

"Certainly not on weeknights, unless you need to be in the library or meeting a study group or something like that, and even then I'd better be able to get a hold of you at all times and you will be home by eleven. You can go out on weekends, if you're done with your assignments, as long as you're back by one and sober. Understood? You'll be driving back to Covington, so you better not be drinking or smoking."

"Edward," he whined.

"If you don't think you can handle it or don't want to, say so now," I looked down into his eyes. He grimaced, but nodded.

"All right. I can do it."

"And when you're back on the right track, you'll have to tell Bruce and Tyrone what happened."

"Edward," he let out a gasp. "No! Please. If I do everything you tell me to and fix everything, why do they even need to know?"

"Non-negotiable, remember?" I said firmly, shaking my head for emphasis. "I won't tell them now, but I am not going to keep this a secret forever. Even if I wanted to, I talk to Tyrone too often. Sooner or later something is bound to slip up. Besides, they deserve to know. Plus, they will ask about what happened with Zack, and I don't want you lying to them. Not telling them, for now, is one thing. Lying is something completely different, and I won't be a part of that."

Troy's eyes filled with fear and tears.

"I'll go with you to tell them if you want," I offered, my voice softer. He nodded in agreement.

"Do we have a deal?"

He mumbled something.

"I didn't get that."

"Yes," he grumbled, clearly unhappy.

I put out my hand and waited for him to grab it in a handshake before clamping down on it and yanking him into a hug. He resisted at first, trying to pull back, but eventually he sank into my chest.

"I know this seems unfair, but I'm doing this for your own good, because I care about you. Neither Zack nor I would have bothered if we didn't care."

He stiffened at the mention of his ex-boyfriend's name. "Zack must hate me," he said darkly.

"If he did, he wouldn't have told me about what was happening. He would have gone to Bruce and Tyrone directly or said nothing to anyone, which would have been the worst thing for him to do. He's hurt and confused, and he has a right to be. He doesn't know what happened and if what he told me is true, I don't get it either. What happened between you, Leo? You've been talking about this and looking forward to this for years - moving to Seattle so you could be with Zack. And now you're here and everything's changed? I don't understand." I pulled back to look into his eyes.

"It's complicated," he said while shaking his head. "I don't want to talk about it," he pressed himself closer to me again. I decided to let it go for now, figuring I'd thrown enough at him. As I was thinking, my stomach rumbled and then his did the same, as if in response. I chuckled softly and he looked up at me, puzzled. He must have missed our gastrointestinal communication.

"I'm hungry," I told him. "How about you?"

He nodded, then told me there wasn't much in the apartment to eat, a fact I'd already discovered while he slept earlier. I directed him to shower and get dressed, then took him out for lunch at a nearby hamburger joint. After lunch we returned to the apartment where I helped him clean up the mess and pack. When we were nearly done, I called Zack to explain what happened, and to tell him he was welcome to move back in. We agreed that I would stop by Brett's place to drop off his keys. I offered to help him move back, but he declined, saying that he was sure Brett, Jordan and Moose would provide all the assistance he needed.

"I'm glad he's going with you," he told me. "I hope he gets better, back to normal."

"Is it all right if we both come up with the key?"

Zack hesitated. "How did he react when you told him I came to see you?" he answered with a question of his own.

It was my turn to hesitate. I was tempted to lie, to force the two of them to see each other and talk, but without knowing more about the situation, I figured that could cause more harm than good. "He wasn't happy," I admitted.

Zack sighed. "Maybe you'd better come up alone. Or call when you get here and Brett or I can meet you in the lobby."

"He doesn't want to see me," I heard Troy's resigned voice as I snapped my phone closed.

"He said he tried to call and e-mail you and you haven't responded," I dodged answering the question, seeing how small he'd suddenly become at hearing my conversation with Zack.

"I didn't know what to say," Troy shifted from foot to foot, his head lowered. "Everything just got so messed up."

I waited, hoping he'd changed his mind and wanted to tell me what happened, but after a few moments he just looked up at me with glistening eyes and said "We'd better get going."

It took us a few trips to take his clothes, books and other personal possessions down to the car, and then he took one last longing look at the apartment and followed me down. He didn't say much as I drove to Brett's place, nor did he make a comment when I returned to the car after I dropped off Zack's keys, or on the drive to Covington. When we got to the house I told him to put his books in the office and everything else in the guest room, while I took care of dinner. Cliff never did turn me into a gourmet cook, but I learned more than enough from him to get along day to day, and after the night and day I'd just had, it was actually a relief to take my mind off things to concentrate on preparing a simple spaghetti dinner. By the time Troy was done unpacking I had fed Remmy, set the table, and had both the pasta and sauce ready to go. We had a quiet meal, since Troy still wasn't talkative. I asked him if he had any work to do before his Friday classes and he nodded gloomily, so I told him to study while I cleaned up. I meant what I'd said to him about pulling his weight around the house, but he'd had enough upheaval in his life for one day, and school was more important than chores. I finished in the kitchen, then took my first shower of the day. After getting virtually no sleep the previous night, I had just enough energy to watch the early newscast, before I realized I needed sleep. When I went to bed, Troy was still reading.

The next morning we both got up early. I left for work just a little after he left for campus. It was a fairly slow Friday at work, so I had more time than usual to think about what happened and wonder what caused such a dramatic difference in Troy's behavior, especially when it came to Zack. I hated the thought of pressuring him to talk about things he clearly didn't want to talk about, but without knowing exactly what happened, there wasn't much I could do to help. I always thought that Zack and Leo were like me and Jasper, except that things were going right for them and they would be together without any problems. I couldn't believe that after being in a long-distance relationship for over two years and overcoming all Zack's mom's objections about Troy's HIV status, not to mention Troy's near constant obsession with someone else luring Zack away from him, it would not only all fall apart when the boys were finally living together, but that Troy would be the one to cheat and then initiate the break up. I couldn't think of a single rational reason for Troy to do what he did except the ones Zack offered when he came to my house. And maybe Troy had simply fallen out of love with Zack. Maybe in their case they only found they were incompatible when they started to live together. Or maybe Troy had always been so paranoid about Zack being with someone else because he wanted that for himself, and the only reason he remained faithful to Zack was because in Spokane he had no other options. I shuddered to even think of him cruelly leading Zack on like that for so long, but if that was what happened, then breaking up with Zack now was probably the kindest thing he could have done, and I shouldn't interfere. On the other hand, if there was some reason that I wasn't thinking of, rational or irrational, and Troy was sabotaging the love of his lifetime the same way I had with Jasper, then watching it happen and not doing anything to help would be something I would find very hard to live with down the road.

I was still thinking about the boys when I got home and as I ate dinner. I was somewhat concerned that I hadn't heard from Troy, but it was a Friday and I did tell him he could stay out until 1:00 a.m. on the weekends. I had hoped that, given everything that happened, he would have taken this weekend off from partying, but I realized I was probably expecting too much. In his place, I likely would have wanted to take advantage of what little freedom I was given. I sighed, popped some pop-corn, and settled in front of the TV in the living room for a quiet evening in, Remmy curled up in my lap to keep me company. When the first movie I'd ordered ended at 11:00, I debated calling Troy to see what he was doing. On the one hand, I had told him that he had to be reachable at all times, so it would be within the rules for me to check up on him. On the other hand, I didn't want to establish an atmosphere of distrust before he gave me any reason to. The side of me that had faith in my little brother won out. He had to be smarter than to mess up on his first day living with me. I sighed and ordered another movie, choosing a relatively short comedy that would end before 1. Although this was a work night for me, I wasn't going to bed until I was sure Troy was home safely.

The movie was already over at 12:45 when I heard the sound of Troy's car in the driveway. I tried to gently pick up and set aside the sleeping Remmy, but he woke up and jumped off my lap onto the floor all by himself, running to the kitchen for a drink. I got up and put the now empty pop-corn bowl and the beer bottle I'd drained earlier in the sink, on my way to meet Troy at the front door, which was just swinging open when I got there.

"Thank you for being on time," I said, "though I wish you would have called to tell me where you were."

"Gem!" he was clearly startled. "I thought you'd be sleeping by now. Don't you have to work tomorrow?"

I noticed how quickly he'd looked down after raising his head at the sound of my voice. Very carefully, he closed and locked the front door, and then tried to move past me to get to the guest room with a mumbled, "So, I'm tired. I guess I'll see you tomorrow."

"Hold it," I ordered, my voice serious enough to stop him in his tracks. "Turn around and look at me."

"Edward," he whined. "Come on, I'm sleepy."

"It will only take a moment. Just turn around and look at me." I'd been around enough drunks and pot smokers to know what to look for. The signs were all there when Troy reluctantly turned. I went right up to him and lifted his chin. His eyes were still dilated and bloodshot. My nose confirmed what I was seeing. I could smell the breath mints that he tried to use to cover up the stench, but the smell of spilt booze and smoke permeated his clothing.

"You're high," I said, disgusted. "And you've been drinking."

For a moment he looked terrified. Then he started giggling.

"You think this is fucking funny?" I raised my voice even though rationally I knew it was just the high that was causing the giggles. I couldn't help it, though. He'd driven home in that state. He easily could have hurt himself or someone else or both.

"You're hot when you're angry," he said through the laughter.

I could have indulged myself and kept yelling, but in his state it wouldn't have done any good, so I lowered my voice and toned down the anger and told him to go to bed. Undoubtedly mimicking my mood, he became somber and looked to the floor again, then wordlessly turned and disappeared into the guest room. I ran my hand though my hair in total and complete exasperation. It didn't even take him 48 hours to break the rules. I'd been an idiot to think I could handle this. The worst part was I had an early morning shift the next day and it was too late to call anyone to switch, but the last thing I wanted to do was to leave him in the house alone. If he remembered how angry I was, there was a good chance he might not be there when I came back. Then again, he had broken the rules, and if I let him get away with it there was no point to having him live with me at all. I sighed and decided to put off any decisions until morning, hoping that maybe sleep would help me come up with some good ideas.

"What am I gonna do with that boy?" I asked Remmy, stroking him behind the ears as we were both falling asleep. He answered with a short meow, and it may just have been the best idea ever, but since I still hadn't mastered Cat, I'd never know. "Thanks for trying, anyway, bud," I told him, closing my eyes and turning off my conscious thoughts.

Unfortunately, morning did not bring any great revelations or epiphanies. I kept thinking as I got up and got ready for work, but nothing fantastic came to mind. In the end I just wrote Troy a note telling him he was grounded, leaving a list of chores, and telling him I expected the house phone to be answered any time I called during the day. The anger I'd felt the previous night faded away somewhat as I worked, so I didn't call him all morning, figuring he needed to sleep. When I finally did call after lunch, I kept the talk brief, only making sure that he'd eaten something before using work as an excuse to go. I knew we needed to talk, but I wanted to do it in person.

When I got home, Troy had dinner waiting. That wasn't on his list of chores, so I knew he was trying to make up for messing up the previous night. He should have realized it wasn't going to be that easy. I gave him a long, silent stare, still not sure of what to say. The anger was all gone now, replaced with sadness and disappointment.

"Aren't you going to say anything?" Troy asked tentatively.

"Thanks for making dinner," I said as I sat down and started eating. I was only postponing the inevitable, but I took the easy way out and ate in silence. Troy just watched me for a while, though eventually he started eating as well.

"Gem, I know you're mad," he started saying.

"After we're done eating," I interrupted him. We fell back into silence, forks scraping against plates the only sounds in the room. When I finished I got up to put the plate in the dishwasher, but Troy stepped in front of me to take it.

"I'll get that," he said helpfully.

"Did you do the other things on the list I left you this morning?" I asked. He nodded. "Then you did plenty. I can handle this."

"I don't mind," he persisted.

"You know that doing extra housework is not going to make up for the fact that you messed up last night, right?"

His shoulders slumped "I came home on time," he said weakly.

"And neither will obeying one rule while breaking others," I pointed out. "I'm gonna change, and then we're going to have a serious talk."

I left for my room and changed out of my uniform into jeans and a light-weight, long sleeved cotton sweater. Remmy, who had run into the room behind me, was watching me from a spot at the foot of the bed. I sighed and sat down beside him. He rose and stepped onto my lap, allowing me to pet him.

"I'm not really any good at this parenting thing, Remmy," I confessed what I had been thinking about all day. "You haven't given me enough trouble to prepare me for this. Not that I'm trying to give you any ideas." I laughed. "Well," I took a big breath. "Wish me luck. Here goes nothing." I picked him up and set him back on the bed before getting up and heading back out to the living room.

Troy was standing in the kitchen, leaning on the counter, clearly uncomfortable with the talk he knew was coming. I passed him on the way to the living room, indicating he should follow. He detached himself from his resting post and walked slowly to join me on the sofa. I waited a moment, hoping he would say something, apologize, but he just studied the floor like his life depended on it. It would be up to me to begin.

"I thought I made it pretty clear when I offered to have you move in here Thursday that the rules I put in place were non-negotiable, and I thought you agreed that you would be able to follow them. And yet there you were, just one day later, completely disregarding everything and breaking your promises."

"I didn't disregard everything," he protested. "I was home by one."

I snorted in disgust. "As if that made everything better. I specifically told you I didn't want you driving under the influence, Troy!"

"I only had two beers," he exclaimed, "and that was when I first got to the party, way before I drove. I wasn't drunk!"

"You drank and drove. And regardless of whether you were drunk, you were high. Troy, driving in that state, you could have hurt yourself or someone else, or worse. Don't you remember the promise you made to Cliff when he gave you that car? Why the hell didn't you call me? I would have come to pick you up. The next time..." I stopped myself and shook my head. I'd already gone down the wrong path. This was completely hopeless. I'd been a fool to think I could handle something like this alone, at my age, with absolutely no experience. "Only there's not going to be a next time. Because I'm going to call your fathers right now and you can tell them what happened yourself or I can tell them, but either way they need to decide how they want to handle this situation."

He looked up at me, completely panicked again. "That's it? You're not even going to give me a second chance?"

"This was your second chance, Leo. I told you, the only way this would work is if you were willing to live with the conditions. But you clearly don't take me seriously and there's nothing I can do about that. I can't watch you 24/7 and I can't trust you. So what are my options? Knowing what I know, I have to tell Bruce and Tyrone. If you want, you can tell them yourself, as long as I can be in the room to hear that you've actually done it. But this, moving you out here to try to fix this mess, obviously isn't working. If anything, I've made things worse. At least when you lived on campus you weren't driving when you were stoned."

"Gem, please, don't do this. You can punish me, ground me. I won't go out on weekends anymore. Please."

"Why did you do it, Leo? Why would you do something like this so soon after we talked about it?"

"I don't know," he evaded.

"You don't know?" I was incredulous that he would for a moment think I would accept that answer. "If you don't know why you did it, how can you say you won't do it again?"

"It was just..." he started and then stopped. "I went to the library after classes to do some research for an assignment and I ran into this guy, a friend, sort of. He told me about this party. I told him I didn't want to go but he was pretty persuasive and you did say I could stay out on weekends. . ."

"Fine, so you went to the party. But that's not what I was asking, Leo. I don't care that you went to the party. I care about what you did once you got there, even though you knew it was against my rules. The drinking and the pot. Why did you do that?"

"Someone handed me the beer when I walked in," he tried to explain.

"And you didn't know how to put it down or hand it back?" I raised an eyebrow to emphasize my question.

"I figured just one or two at the beginning of the night would wear off by the time I had to leave..."

I shook my head. "And the weed?"

"I was just sitting and, um, talking with some people and someone was passing around a joint so I took a few tokes. It wasn't a big deal. I was fine."

I stood up and paced for a few moments to calm myself down, lest the anger I was feeling explode out of me, which would have been completely inappropriate. The problem was that as the anger drained, so did my energy. By the time I was calm enough to sit down again, all that was left was a profound feeling of sadness and loss.

"Gem," Troy sounded alarmed. I held up my hand to stop him from speaking.

"You were not fine last night, Leo, and what you did was a big deal. You put yourself and others in danger and you disrespected me. And you lied to me. You're still lying to me. Maybe you're lying to yourself too, but that doesn't really make a difference," I said as I pulled out my phone. "Now, do you want to call them or do you want me to?"

"Please, Gem, no! I'm sorry. I swear I won't do it again. Please give me another chance."

I shook my head slowly. "You lied to me last night and you're lying to me again today, and I just don't trust you. I can't trust you. And it's not just my pride or hurt feelings, it's more important than that. I don't want to lose you, and if you continue on the path you're on right now, I'm afraid that's exactly what will happen. It's just parties and alcohol and pot today, but even that is already impacting your life. You already cast Zack out of your life and you told me to go too. Down the road, someone will give you something stronger, and you'll either agree because you won't want to look bad by refusing it and you'll think you can handle it or because you will be so high or drunk that you won't know what you're doing, And once you're into that stuff you know better than I do what will happen. And the next time there may not be someone there to get you to the hospital in time.

"And if it's not the drugs themselves, or some guy taking out his payment in services, or someone taking out their aggression on you just because they can, then it will be the HIV turning into AIDS and killing you slowly. How would you feel if that was me? If I was the one doing all the things you've been doing? Would you be able to just stand back and watch? Would you be able to live with yourself if you didn't do everything you could to help?

"I wish I could be the one to help you deal with this and figure it all out, but I don't have the knowledge or experience and I was a fool to think I did. You lied to me, but I let you. Your fathers have been through this before. They will know what to do."

"Gem, no, please! Please don't tell them. They'll hate me for doing this, for wasting all their money and time. They'll send me away, wash their hands of me."

"No, Leo," I protested. "They're your fathers. They love you. They'll help you."

"My real father sent me away and you're sending me away. Why should they be any different?" He'd begun to cry, fat tears rolling down his face.

"Leo, I'm not sending you away," I protested, fully realizing that's exactly what it must have seemed like to him. Somehow I had to make him understand. I slid closer to him and pulled him into my arms. "I love you, Leo. I want you in my life forever. You're the little brother I never had, and now that you're here I don't want to lose you. But I don't know how to help you and I can't just do nothing as you self-destruct."

He was crying too hard to speak so I just held him for as long as he needed.

"I wasn't at the library," he finally said quietly through his sobs. "I was in an empty classroom just sitting there and feeling pretty crappy, but not doing anything, and then this guy came in. I knew him from some of the parties. He was looking for a place to light up. When he saw me he offered to share and I just thought I'd take a few puffs, just to feel a little better. So we smoked together and I did feel better and then he told me I was cute and kissed me, and told me he wanted me to go to this party with him," my stomach turned as he told me what happened at the party. I had to remind myself over and over again not to judge, to remember that when I was his age I'd done really stupid things too. I knew what it was like to seek relief or numbness. What I couldn't figure out is why Troy would need to seek those things. If Zack had left him, that would have been a possible explanation. But Troy had initiated the break-up.

"I'm sorry for lying," he continued. "I was too afraid what you'd think of me if you knew the truth, but now it doesn't matter. I know you can't trust me. And you're right. I don't trust me either. Sometimes the temptation is just too big and I can't resist." He pulled back and reached his hand out towards me. "Give me the phone."

I reached for the phone, but hesitated. I thought quickly and furiously. "If I can figure out a way for you to not be alone between classes, so you're not tempted, do you think you can just come straight home after school? Don't just answer," I added, when I saw him start to nod. "Really think about it. This would be your last chance. And I want you to start going to therapy. I know you don't want to talk to me and tell me what's happening, but you have to talk to someone. I used to see Dr. Furman and Cliff used to see Dr. Brenner, and there are a couple more doctors in their practice, so you can choose whoever you feel comfortable with, but you have to talk to someone, all right?"

He nodded. "I'll do whatever you say, I promise."

I pinched the bridge of my nose, still trying to figure things out. I could call the investigator I'd worked with and have him put me in touch with some sort of a security firm, but I wasn't sure hiring a bodyguard would look too great for Troy. On the other hand, he was clearly vulnerable when he was alone. I stood up and walked to the dining room, phone still in hand. Troy didn't follow, but I knew he was watching and listening. I scrolled through the numbers until I found the one I needed then pressed a button to connect. It was a long shot, but it could possibly work.

"Simon, it's Edward. I have a bit of a problem and I'm hoping you might be able to help."

Unsurprisingly, Simon already knew all about Zack and Troy's break up and about Troy's developing party reputation. He was sympathetic to my problem and was sure he could find a few guys who could help us with a solution. Or, as he put it, part of the solution.

"I'm reasonably sure these guys can keep him away from the booze and the drugs, but you know he's a cutie pie, so I can't guarantee they won't put the moves on him. Nothing forced, they're not those types of guys, but if he goes along with it..."

I glanced over in Troy's direction. At the moment he was single by choice, and as long as he was making his decisions while he was sober, I had no reason to be involved.

"Just as long as they keep him away from the party boys while he's on campus," I told him. "That's all I care about."

We hung up and I explained my plan to Troy, to make sure he was willing to go along. Simon would find a few guys who would keep him company between classes, to make sure he didn't get tempted to do things he wasn't supposed to by one of his other friends. His protests that he didn't need babysitters were weak and short, especially when I reminded him that it was either that or calling his Dads. He also agreed to call from the house phone before he left each morning and when he got back, so I could be sure he didn't take any detours. And he agreed to see a therapist. I knew that I couldn't keep him under constant surveillance forever, but this was the only way I could let him stay until I began to trust his judgment again.

The new plan seemed to work pretty well. Troy followed the rules and came home after class on weeknights, and he didn't seem to mind too much being grounded from going out on the weekends. He also started therapy with Dr. Kim, in the same office as Dr. Furman. The therapy and on-campus supervision seemed to help, and Troy actually became friends with the guys Simon asked to hang out with him. He mentioned that one of them tried to hit on him, but had no problem taking no for an answer. When I asked Troy why he'd said no, his face was immediately transformed into a blank mask as he shrugged in a non-answer. I wished he felt comfortable enough with me to tell me what happened with him and Zack, but I figured I shouldn't push and hoped he was, at least, discussing it with his therapist.

Things seemed to be going pretty well until one day, a week before Thanksgiving, I came home to find him passed out on the couch with an empty bottle of Jack Daniels beside him. I knew there hadn't been enough in the bottle to cause alcohol poisoning, but my heart only stopped racing when I heard his heartbeat and deep, even breathing. Once I was assured he was only sleeping, my anger surged. When he moved in I locked up the alcohol, though I didn't make the location a secret. Sure enough, when I went to check I found out that he'd broken the lock to get to the booze. I was pissed that all the progress he seemed to be making was erased with a single act of stupidity. At least he'd had the good sense to drink at home, where he wouldn't be able to hurt anyone or himself and where there was no one to lure him into doing other stuff.

As angry as I was, I didn't have the heart to wake him. I let him sleep it off until he stirred, a few hours later. He opened his eyes and groaned when he saw me sitting and staring at him.

"I know, I have to call them," he said, resigned. "give me the phone. It doesn't matter anymore anyway."

"What happened?" I'd never seen him so remote, not even when I first met him. At least then there had been a vein of anger running beneath his sullen demeanor. Now there was nothing. "Why did you do this? Why doesn't it matter?"

"Because it's over. My life is over. I don't care what happens anymore."

"Leo, what the hell are you talking about? You're scaring the shit out of me."

"He's gone. I saw him..." he started to cry.

"Who's gone? Zack?" I took a shot in the dark, but I couldn't think of who else it could have been. He nodded, but didn't say anything. "What did you see?" I prompted, alarmed. "Is he okay?"

"He's fine," Troy answered through his tears. "He's with another guy. I saw them, together."

I took a sharp intake of breath. I knew all too well what he was feeling right now, remembering the time I saw Jasper with James. I reached over and pulled him into my arms.

"I'm sorry, Leo. I know how that hurts. But you broke up with him. You knew he would have to move on eventually," I reasoned.

"I made a mistake," he said. "A horrible mistake. I never should have done what I did. I've been trying to reach him, to apologize. I've sent him e-mail, but he never responds. He hasn't returned my voice mails. The one time he took my phone call was to tell me to stop calling. But I still hoped, if I kept trying, over time... but now it's over."

I cursed myself for not pushing him to talk to me about this earlier. Still, everything wasn't lost yet.

"Maybe not, Leo," I told him. "This guy you saw him with, it may just be a casual date. It may not mean anything."

"It didn't look casual. The way they kissed, it looked... Zack wouldn't do that with someone casual. And then he saw me, and he didn't move away from him or anything. Like he didn't care that I was watching. He just looked away from me."

I heard the pain in his voice and I felt it in my gut, recalling what it had been like hearing Jasper tell James he loved him. But I also knew that had I not given up then, had I kept fighting for him like I originally intended to, things may have turned out a lot different. It was too soon for Zack to be a complete lost cause. He had loved Troy too much for too long to have just been able to dismiss all those feelings when a new guy came along. Somehow I had to stop Troy from accepting defeat.

"Leo, if you really care about Zack, if you want him back, you have to fight harder. You can't just let the first guy that comes along take him away. You need to talk to him, in person."

"But he won't even take my calls. What do I do? Corner him on the sidewalk in front of the HUB or drag him into some empty classroom? And what if he still wants to leave? Do I force him to listen?"

More memories of Jasper flashed in my mind. I knew better than anyone that forcing a conversation with someone unwilling to listen wasn't the answer.

"What if I talked to him and told him how much you wanted to see him and explain? You would still have to do the talking, but I might be able to convince him to see you and listen."

"Would you do that, Gem?" for the first time Leo looked hopeful.

"All I can do is try," I told him honestly. "But yeah, I will try. Because I sure as hell don't want what happened to me to happen to you."

"What happened to you?" he asked quietly. I knew I didn't have to tell him, but I did open this door, and if hearing my story could help him, I had a much better reason to be open than to keep secrets.

I'd told the story so many times, it was almost becoming routine, but it still hurt like hell and now, because he was in a similar situation, it seemed to hurt even more. I explained how confused I'd been during my first term, how I reacted to Jasper's coming out and what happened later. How I'd been too much of a coward time and time again to tell him how I felt and how, as a result, I lost him to James. I watched his tears start to flow again when I explained what kind of man James turned out to be. Then I told him what happened after James, how my impatience and thoughtlessness gave Jasper the wrong impression, causing him to move to New York. I confessed how much I wanted to die and what I did as a result. I also told him how hard it was getting my life back, even with everyone around me helping, and how it was only when I found Cliff that I began to really heal.

"But even with Cliff, who, as you know, is a wonderful, loving man, I couldn't stop thinking about Jasper. It killed our relationship. And now, over four years after Jasper left, I still don't know if I'll ever be able to forget him and move on with anyone else. And I can't begin to tell you how many times I second guessed everything that I did and didn't do, wondering how things would have turned out if at some earlier point I'd changed my behavior, done something differently. I'll never know, and it kills me. I don't want you to go through that. Don't just let him fade away. If you love him, do everything you can to show him that you understand how wrong you were. You do love him, right?"

Troy nodded. "More than anything," he whispered.

"Then why. . .?" I started to ask, then paused to rephrase. "You don't have to tell me, but you will have to explain to him why you did what you did, and if you want, I am here to listen. He didn't understand what happened, Leo, and neither do I. You two were so in love. You were always so afraid of losing him and then, when you were finally together, you told him to go. What changed?"

Troy couldn't look me in the eye.

"Were you not attracted to him anymore? Did he have some horrible habits that you didn't know about earlier that turned you off or you couldn't live with? Did you want to play the field? I mean, there had to be something."

"It wasn't anything like that," he said. "I love him. I love everything about him. He's perfect! He's so hot, and he doesn't even realize it, and he's funny, and kind, and so fucking smart!"

"Then why did you break up with him?" I challenged.

"You wouldn't understand," he said softly.

"Try me. I might just surprise you by how much I can understand."

He stayed silent.

"Leo, you don't have to talk to me about it if you don't want. But you better figure out what you'll say to him when he asks you these questions, because you know he will."

"He's too good for me," he finally whispered.

"What?" I wasn't sure I heard him correctly.

"He's too good for me. Or I'm not good enough for him. However you want to look at it. He deserves someone better than me."

"Why in the world would you say that? First of all, it's not true. Second, that's his decision to make, not yours."

"He already did."

"No, he did not. He specifically told me he wanted to stay with you."

"He wanted to stay with me if I stopped drinking and going to parties and studied more."

"Yeah, so?"

"So I'm not like him. I'm not smart and I hate all the studying. I got through high school, with all the tutors and with dads helping, but I can't do these college classes. I tried. I don't get it. There's too much reading and it's all so boring. I wanted to come here to be with Zack and to get away from Spokane, but I hate the school part of it. And then I met these kids and they invited me to a party and it was fun. For the first time since coming here I had fun. But Zack didn't like that. He doesn't want to be with someone who parties. He said kids who party all the time and don't study just turn into burnouts and losers."

"He didn't say you were a loser, did he?"

"No, but if I can't keep up with college I will be. And he shouldn't be with a loser."

"Leo, going to college has nothing to do with being a loser. Lots of good people out there don't go to college."

"Yeah, sure, but they stick with their own kind. I could wait tables or stock groceries forever. But Zack wouldn't want to be with someone like that, and he shouldn't have to. He should be with someone smart, like him, so they can be like Dads or like Brad and Stig. Equal."

I was shocked. I never knew he felt this way, and I couldn't believe he was willing to destroy his life and his relationship with Zack, rather than tell us how he felt. I would have shaken him out of frustration, if I didn't see how horrible he felt already.

"Am I the first person you've ever told about this? About not wanting to go to college?"

He nodded his affirmation.

"Okay, well, I think you need to talk to your dads about it too. You probably should have talked about it before you ever applied to colleges, and definitely before you decided to go, but I understand. You wanted to be with Zack and you didn't know exactly how it would be. You gave it a try and I'm proud of you for that. I'll be even more proud if you keep trying and finish this term with decent grades. But you need to talk to Zack and tell him everything you told me. And you definitely have to talk to your dads. I don't think any of them will object to you dropping out for now, though I imagine Bruce and Tyrone will expect you to get a job, not just sit around the house. And between now and then, maybe we can talk more and figure out if there is something you really want to do, instead of waiting tables or stocking shelves. There are lots of jobs and careers out there that don't require a college diploma."

"Really?" Troy looked surprised. "You don't think I'm crazy not to want to go to college?"

I shrugged. "Not everyone is cut out for it. And then again, maybe you're just not ready yet and can go back someday. Either way, going to college is not what makes someone a good person. But partying and avoiding the problem was definitely a bad solution. Talking like this is much better, isn't it?"

Troy leaned into me and wrapped his arms around me in answer. "This is harder, and not as much fun. But it's probably better, smarter," he acknowledged.

"So what about Zack?" I asked quietly. "You're going to have to tell him how you feel and why you did what you did, and then let him decide what qualities are important to him in a boyfriend."

Troy sighed. "I was so horrible to him. I did horrible things, said horrible things. What if he can't forgive me?"

"The only thing you can do is try, as hard as you can. You have to be completely honest with him, tell him everything. But especially tell him how much you love him and how important he is to you. And don't let your fear of being hurt or rejected stop you from telling him everything he needs to know, no matter how vulnerable it makes you."

Given how diligently Zack had been avoiding having any contact with Troy, I half expected him to do the same with me, so I was pleased when he took my call and agreed to meet with me for coffee to talk about Troy. It gave me a spark of hope that he still cared, and that I would be able to convince him to hear Troy out. In person, however, Zack turned out to be more reticent.

"I'm glad to hear he is doing better, Edward," he told me. "I do still care about him and I want him to be better and happy. But as difficult as it was, I have moved on, and now I'm dating someone and I really do not see the point of talking to Leo."

"Zack, he really wasn't in the right frame of mind when he did what he did before. I'm not saying you have to forgive him, but at least hear him out. Believe me, it's so hard to live without that closure."

For the first time ever I saw anger flash in his eyes. "Don't you think I know that? Only when I was trying to talk to him right after he broke up with me, he didn't give me the same courtesy. None of this was my fault, and he has no right to expect or ask anything of me. And neither do you."

I fell silent, because he was right. But then I knew I couldn't just leave it there, so I made one last ditch effort.

"If you won't do it for him, why not do it for you? You said yourself you never got the closure you wanted from him. This is your chance. You may not think you need it anymore, but why not take advantage of the opportunity when it presents itself? Even if it's just to tell him how pissed off you are and how much he's hurt you."

Zack mulled my words as he drank his coffee in silence. Finally he drained his mug, placed it down on the table and looked me straight in the eye.

"All right. I'll talk to him. But I want you to be there, at your house, and I'll bring Moose. I don't want to be alone with him. And I will only stay for as long as I want. If I want to leave, I will leave, even in the middle of the conversation. Those are my conditions."

"That's fine, Zack. When can you come?"

He thought about it for a moment. "I'll have to check with Moose, but I think I'll be able to come tomorrow evening. I'd like to get this over with as soon as possible."

I cringed at his bitter tone, but I couldn't really blame him. Troy had been an idiot and he'd hurt Zack badly in the process. I only hoped Zack would keep an open mind and would understand Troy's explanation, and that this new boyfriend of his was still relatively unimportant.

"That's fine, Zack," I repeated as I stood up. "Just give me a call to tell me what time. And thank you."

"I wonder if he realizes how lucky he is to have you?" Zack mused, standing up beside me.

"It doesn't matter," I shrugged. "I do know he realizes how lucky he was to have you, and how sorry he is for everything he did to change that."

"Yeah, well," Zack spoke quietly. "he's a little late, and sometimes sorry just isn't good enough. I'll give you a call later." He nodded at me as he passed me on his way out of the coffee shop.

The next evening Troy paced the hall nervously, waiting for the appointed hour to strike and for Zack and Moose to arrive. I stood leaning against the wall, trying to stay calm. The whole thing had a feeling of some sort of a duel, with the two men about to square off, their seconds at the ready. The vibe was all wrong, but it was the best I could negotiate for him. I just hoped it was enough. And if, in the end, Zack wished to walk away, I hoped having this chance to explain would at least be enough for Troy to be able to move on himself.

We both looked up at the sound of a car in the driveway. Troy looked at me, sheer terror reflected in his eyes. I pushed myself off the wall and pulled him into a tight hug. "Just be honest and sincere, and don't hold back because you're afraid you'll get hurt. I'm here for you and I always will be, okay?" I kissed him on the forehead and held him as he pressed his face against my chest, releasing him only when we heard the doorbell.

"Gem?" his voice was a quiet whimper as I went to open the door.

"No matter what happens, you'll be all right. Just be strong." I told him, flipping the lock and grabbing the handle. On the front porch, Moose and Zack looked as somber as Troy and I did. I greeted them and invited them in. Troy held back against the wall, uncertain of what to do. I could see and feel how badly he wanted to grab Zack into a hug, but Moose had placed his considerable bulk strategically between the boys, undoubtedly at Zack's request, making physical contact between Zack and Troy nearly impossible. Finally Troy uttered a quiet hello that was echoed by an equally quiet greeting from Zack. They stood staring at each other over Moose, who was clearly becoming uncomfortable as seconds stretched with no one making a move. Finally I decided to take the lead and put Moose out of his misery. He had, after all, at one point been friends with Troy too. I knew his loyalty would always be with Zack, but as vulnerable and sad as Troy looked right now, I was sure Moose wasn't relishing his role.

"Why don't we sit down. We can go in the living room or dining room. Zack, do you have a preference?" I deliberately left the choice to him, wanting him to feel as comfortable as possible. The easier I made this for him, the less likely he was to leave before Troy could offer his entire explanation.

"The dining room would be good," Zack said, sounding somewhat relieved. I figured he liked the fact that the table would serve as a barrier between all of us. Troy didn't protest, but I noticed he took a seat along one of the longer sides of the rectangular table, thus making sure that the distance between him and his ex-boyfriend was the shortest possible as they talked. Zack hesitated a moment, but then sat down across from Troy. Moose sat at the head of the table. Before I sat down opposite Moose, I offered everyone drinks and distributed their requested beverages after I'd poured them. I sat down to an uncomfortable silence.

"Edward said you wanted to talk to me," Zack finally said, though I could see that he would have preferred to stay silent and only spoke when Troy gave no evidence that he would ever open his mouth. I knew he was scared, but I also knew that if he didn't start talking soon, the opportunity would be lost. I was about to kick him under the table when he finally spoke.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Zacky, for everything I did and everything I said. I'm so sorry for hurting you. I was afraid. I didn't think I was good enough for you. I've never really felt good enough for you, but especially since coming here, to Seattle. I was so scared you would realize that and leave me, and I knew how much that would hurt, so I told you to leave because I thought if I was the one to break it off it would hurt less. But I was wrong."

I took a sip of water to calm my roiling stomach. I was listening to Troy, but at the same time reliving the day I told Jasper to move out. I too thought it would be easier if I told him to go, but found out the hard way just how wrong I was. And now Troy was walking in my exact footsteps.

"I told you I forgave you," Zack whispered. "I told you I loved you and wanted to be with you. You had no reason to think I'd ever leave you. You never had. How many times did I tell you how much you meant to me? And then you..." he swallowed loudly. "You cheated on me! And still I was willing to forgive that and forget it. I was willing to trust in you and our love. But you never were able to do the same for me, even though you had no reason not to."

"I know, Zack. I know it's all my fault. I was just always scared that one day you'd wake up and realize that you can do so much better. That there were guys out there who could do so much more for you than I could."

"I never wanted anyone else," Zack said shaking his head. "As long as you were with me I never would. I wish you had believed that. I wish I had been enough for you, like you always had been for me. I waited for you, Leo. For two years I turned down offers from other guys because you were the only one who mattered and no one else compared. When we were apart those two years, I missed you like crazy. I couldn't wait for us to finally be together. And then you got here and suddenly I wasn't good enough. You wanted to be with other people and go to parties and... " he couldn't force himself to say it, and he didn't need to. Everyone in the room knew exactly what he meant.

"How can you ever say that you thought you weren't good enough for me, when you behaved the exact opposite? Clearly you didn't think I was good enough for you. I can't believe you expect me to sit here and listen to that and actually believe you in the face of everything you did to the contrary."

Troy took a deep breath. I clenched my muscles in anticipation, hoping he wasn't going to back off now, knowing that unless he told Zack everything he had no chance of convincing Zack of the truth of his statements.

"I don't want to go to college," he finally said. "I hate school, and I was afraid when you found out you wouldn't want to be with me."

"What?" Zack looked stunned.

"I don't want to go to college," Troy repeated. "I'm not that smart or interested. I knew right from the beginning I wouldn't be able to keep up."

"Okay," Zack said slowly. "But why would you even think that would stop me from wanting to be with you? You think that would possibly matter to me? My mom didn't go to college, neither did my sister or her husband. Moose decided to go part time to community college. Do you really believe I'm such a snob that you not wanting to go to college would make any difference in how I felt about you?"

"No," Troy protested, "I never thought you were a snob. I just thought you'd want your partner..."

"To be you! All I ever wanted was to be with you! I mean, Jesus!" Zack's voice rose with his exasperation. Troy stared at him, wide eyed. It occurred to me that this may have been the very first time Zack ever let his frustration show. But just as soon as Zack saw Troy's expression he shrank back in his seat.

"You know, that's what hurts the most," he said in a flat, quiet tone. "You've always had these fears of me leaving you for someone else, of me doing things with other people, of me wanting more than you could give. All of these things had no basis in reality. I never, ever wanted anyone else but you, and I never, ever wanted you to be anyone but who you were. But still I was always defending myself and reassuring you and no matter what I did or how hard I tried, it was never enough to make you believe me. And I know even now, as I'm saying this, you probably don't believe me.

"Well here's something I never told you, Leo. When we first met, after you went back home to Spokane, I had a long talk with Brad. I wanted to know all about HIV, what we could and couldn't do, what was and wasn't safe, what I could expect if you and I decided to be together. I had that talk with him long before you asked me to be your boyfriend, because I hoped you would ask and I wanted to say yes but I wanted to know everything I was saying yes to. So Brad and I talked, and then he took me with him to help out some AIDS patients, so that I could see the worst of it for myself. And you know what? It was scary as hell. The thought of you maybe getting that sick someday. The thought of me maybe getting that sick if despite everything I ended up getting the virus. But I thought about it all for a long time and I decided that if you wanted to be with me, the risk would be worth it. I mean, I figured medical advances might bring a cure, so maybe we wouldn't have to worry about the worst of it, but even if it came, even if I had to lose you early because of some fucking killer disease, I could do it because all the time we would have together beforehand would be worth it. So I was prepared for that.

"And I knew you were insecure because of that and worried that someone else could come along that wasn't sick that would try to lure me away, and I understood that, and I was prepared to keep reassuring you for as long as you needed it. Forever, if I had to. But what I wasn't prepared for was this - your total lack of faith in me. And I wasn't prepared for you to leave me because I asked you to stop cheating on me and to stop doing things that unnecessarily endangered your health."

"Zack, I'm so sorry. I was wrong. I know that now. Please, I love you. I need you."

"Need me? How many guys have you been with since we broke up?"

Troy's face was crushed. He started to answer, but Zack stopped him before he could even get his first word out.

"No. Don't tell me. I don't want to know. I don't care. I just didn't believe how cruel you could be. That day, after you moved out, when you called me and asked me to meet you? How long did you wait before hooking up with that skeezy guy? Was it even 10 minutes?"

I looked to Troy, surprised. This wasn't anything I knew about. Troy looked as surprised as I was.

"How do you...? You didn't show up."

"I had a lab that ran over the allotted time, so I was late, but I was there. I got there just in time to see the two of you making out over a joint," Zack's voice was bitter and full of accusation.

"No," Troy shook his head. "It wasn't like that. I waited for you. I wanted to see you so bad. And then you didn't come or call, and I thought you'd changed your mind. I was depressed and he came along and I just had a few tokes, just to feel a little better."

"And his tongue down your throat? Was that to make you feel better too?"

"I thought you didn't want me. . . But that was it, that was the only..."

"Don't lie, Leo. I have eyes. I've seen you with all the other guys on campus."

"They're not..." Troy looked to me desperately. "Edward, tell him!"

I instantly realized that Zack was probably referring to the escorts I arranged for Troy while he was on campus.

"He's not lying, Zack. I asked those boys to hang out with him so he wouldn't be alone and wouldn't get tempted if one of his druggie friends came along."

"Oh," Zack looked a little shaken, but he quickly recovered. "Well, it doesn't matter. We both know that you were the one who's been with other guys, even while we were still together. So don't tell me you need me. You can get what you need from them."

"Zack, I was drunk and I made a horrible mistake. I would do anything to take all that back, but I can't. But I haven't been to any parties since that day after I moved out, that day you saw me, and I haven't smoked since then and I haven't been drinking," I saw him glance in my direction, and I knew he worried about how I found him the other day, but I wasn't going to rat him out on a technicality. "And I'm going to tell my dads everything, and get a job after this term is over, instead of going back to school. And I've been seeing a therapist, to help me stop doing this stuff that only ends up hurting me and the people I love. So I'm really trying. And I'll do anything you ask to make up for what I did. Just please, give me another chance. I miss you so much. I love you so much."

I saw Moose look away into the corner of the room and I wondered what he was thinking as the only straight guy in the room. I was willing to bet he hadn't seen this much drama in his entire life. Thus far, he had played it really cool, his face completely impassive. I wondered what advice he would give Zack if asked. I wondered what advice I would give him if the guy begging for a second chance was anyone other than my little brother. I turned to the boy who held Troy's heart in his hands. His face very clearly reflected his internal struggle. I knew he still loved Troy, but I also knew from personal experience that sometimes love wasn't enough. My heart sank as I watched his tears start to flow.

"I can't," Zack's voice shook as he spoke, "I hope you get better, Leo, but I can't take that chance. I just started to put my heart back together and I met someone. I know you saw us. But that doesn't really even matter. I mean, Drew is important. How I treat him is important. But my decision would have been the same even without him in my life. I did the best I could when I was with you, Leo. I didn't hold anything back. I can't think of anything I could have done better."

"You were perfect," Troy whispered. He was crying too. Zack grimaced.

"Not perfect. No one can be that. But as good as I knew how to be. And it wasn't enough. I understand that you stopped doing all that stuff that was messing you up, but you stopped before and started again, so how can I believe that you won't do it again? And how will I know that someday you won't come up with another reason to doubt me. You already accused me of sleeping with other guys when I've done nothing of the sort, and of being a snob when I never gave you any reason to believe that I was. How do I know that tomorrow it won't be something else? Maybe you'll think I hate your haircut, or your job, or your clothes. How do I know that even as I try to reassure you, you won't throw me out again? I don't know if you can ever trust in the way I feel about you and now I don't think I could ever trust you."

"Zacky," Troy pleaded.

"No, Leo," Zack shook his head. "I think that maybe we tried to make this into more than it should have been. We were very young when we started, and we're still young. High school sweethearts aren't really supposed to stay together, are they? Maybe when you find the right partner you won't question his love and commitment as much as you questioned mine."

"Zack," I couldn't stop myself from speaking, "Don't sell what you two had short. Just because you were young when you met doesn't mean what you had wasn't. . ."

"Edward," A deep voice carrying a warning came from the other side of the table. I looked up at Moose and it was easy to read his expression. We were there to observe only. We weren't supposed to get involved. But how could I just sit back when Zack dismissed their love on the sole basis that they had been young. Maybe he didn't realize it yet, but young people could love very deeply, and the pain of this loss could linger for years, maybe forever. Still, I heeded Moose and shut up. It wasn't fair to gang up on Zack, and I certainly didn't want my interference to be his reason to leave.

"I'll never find anyone more right for me than you," Troy said. "I'm the one who's not good enough for you."

I felt a cold shiver go through me. I absolutely sensed how what he said would sound to Zack's ears. God, how much I wanted to just turn back time, have Troy take back that last sentence. Instead, I watched Zack push himself away from the table and stand.

"See, that's exactly what I mean. I can't do that anymore. I can't keep trying to convince you that you are good enough, more than good enough. I'm just not getting through, and the next time you feel like this you'll break up with me again. I can't go through that again. You have to learn how to love yourself, Troy. And obviously I'm not the right person to teach you that. I'm sorry. I wish you well. I really, really do."

He turned and headed for the front door. Moose, Troy and I got up simultaneously to follow.

"Zack, wait, please!" Troy ran past me and grabbed Zack's upper arm to stop him. "Please don't leave. I'm sorry. I'm working on that, I swear, in therapy. Maybe we could go together? I love you. Don't you love me?"

Zack stopped. He was still crying. His tears had flowed unabated since he started earlier. "I'm sorry too, Leo, but I can't do this again. I have to go." He tried to move forward but was unable to extricate his arm from Troy's grasp. Moose placed a big hand on Troy's slight shoulder and squeezed lightly.

"Let him go, man," he said somberly. He wasn't threatening, but we all knew his request could easily turn into a demand.

"Leo," I added my single word verbal warning. We didn't need for all this to get physical. I could take Moose on if I had to, but that would only make things worse.

Fortunately, Troy listened and let his arm fall to his side. Zack looked towards me over his shoulder, as if letting me know that he'd fulfilled his part of the bargain. Then he opened the door and stepped outside, with Moose right behind him. My heart was heavy as I closed and locked the door behind them, then turned to take the shell shocked Troy into my arms. As soon as he was within my embrace, he began to weep, his body convulsing with heartbreaking sobs. I leaned down to pick him up and carried him to my room, placing him on the bed and lying beside him. I held him for hours, trying my best to soothe him. Eventually, the crying sucked all his energy out of him and he fell asleep, his face still covered in rivulets of tears. Only when I was certain that he was deeply asleep, did I allow my own tears to flow.