Chapter 35

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Chapter 35: Time Stands Still Before Me

Troy spent that whole night in my arms. The next morning I got up and got ready for work without waking him, figuring he needed the rest after such an emotionally draining event. Shit, if I could have gotten out of my work shift, I would have stayed home in bed too, since I'd stayed up crying as well and was, in general, a mess. Watching Troy lose Zack brought everything that had happened with Jasper back into a very sharp focus. I had hoped that being able to speak with Zack, regardless of the conversation outcome, would help Troy get the kind of closure I so desperately craved, but having held the weeping boy in my arms the previous night, I questioned whether closure really made a difference. With or without it, losing someone you loved because of your own stupidity hurt like a motherfucker. Only time would tell if hearing directly from Zack why he made the decision he did would help Troy move on, the way I had never been able to. Right now, it was of no benefit at all.

Even though it was early, I called Maggie. As I suspected, she was already up, both kids being early risers regardless of day of the week. I explained the situation and she immediately offered to come over, without having to be asked.

"Poor kid," she commiserated. "Is he in as bad of a shape as you were after Jasper left?"

"Hard to tell. It only happened last night. But he shouldn't be left alone right now. If you have things to do today I can call Emmett or Seth, but it would be great if you could come over just until they get here."

"Rosalie has showings all day and I was just going to run errands that I can do any time, so I'll come over and bring the kids. Owen's still not much use, but having Liam around will be good for Leo, I think. And call Emmett and Seth too. The more people he has to talk to, the better."

"I remember," I said, realizing she was absolutely right. "I'll call them a little later this morning. Thanks, Mags. You're the smartest sister I have!"

"I'm the only sister you have," she laughed. "But, as you know, I've had some practice with stuff like this. I'll be there as soon as I can bundle the kids into the car. Thank goodness your house is so well stocked and equipped, so I never need to pack anything. If you need to leave, go ahead. It shouldn't take me longer than 20-30 minutes."

I had about fifteen minutes to spare before I had to go, so I waited that long before I went back into the bedroom and gently woke Troy. I told him that Maggie and the kids were coming over to stay with him. He didn't even protest, just turned and wrapped his arms around me in a tightest hug.

"Emmett might stop by too," I told him, "and maybe Seth. You'll have plenty of people who love you here. In fact, one of the smallest, but also the one most filled with love, will probably come bounding in here any minute, and he gives the sweetest hugs. And I'll be back as soon as I'm done with work. Okay?"

Troy just nodded.

"I love you, Leo, and I'll help you get through this, I promise. We'll all help you get through this."

I called Emmett and Seth when I got to work, and both of them indicated that they would come out to Covington. Emmett even volunteered to come out for the weekend, so he could be there for Troy the next day. By the time I came home, the house was filled with friends and family. Garrett and Rosalie were chatting, Emmett and Maggie were making dinner, and Troy actually had a smile on his face as he and Seth entertained Liam, while Owen slept nearby. I sighed with relief, feeling better myself, and a little overwhelmed by the support Troy and I were getting from everyone. After dinner we played Outburst and Pictionary, until eventually Rosalie and Maggie took the boys home and Seth and Garrett decided to leave as well, leaving only me, Troy and Emmett.

"So, who's sleeping where?" Emmett asked with a wink after we'd watched a movie and it was time for us to go to bed.

"Oh!" I exclaimed, not having given the issue any thought until he voiced the question. "Leo had been sleeping in the guest room, though last night he stayed with me. I guess tonight I can sleep with him there and you can have my bed."

"Or we can have us a little Leo sandwich," Emmett said, laughing. "Your bed just might be big enough."

Troy, who might have loved Zack deeply, but never did quite get totally over his crush on Emmett, blushed deeply enough for the flush to appear even on his darker skin.

"That's probably not the greatest idea, Em," I said cautiously.

"I'm just teasing, Edward. But I won't kick you out of your own bed. I'll stay in the guest room, no problem. And Leo, after Edward leaves for work tomorrow, if you want to cuddle up, you're welcome to join me. Just think of me as your substitute big brother."

"Okay," Troy said demurely. "Thanks."

"No problem, bud," Emmett stepped up to Troy and enveloped him into his patented bear hug. "I've been where you are right now, so I know how crappy it feels. And I know how much it helps just to have someone hold you."

I sent Emmett a grateful smile and waited for him to release Troy before we all retired to our respective rooms. Troy and I got ready for bed and slipped under the covers, where he snuggled into my chest.

"Thank you, Gem, for everything you've done for me," he whispered. "Everyone was so nice to me today, and having them here to distract me really helped."

"You know we're all a family, Leo. They were all here because they love you. That's why Emmett will be here tomorrow, too."

"Gem?" he asked quietly after we'd both stayed silent for a while.

"Hmm?" I asked drowsily.

"I think I'm ready to tell my dads what happened when I go home next week, but will you go with me? You said you'd be there when I told them."

"Are you sure you're ready?" I opened my eyes to look at him, but it was too dark to see his face.

"There's no reason to wait anymore, now that Zack... "

I pulled him in closer and kissed his temple. "Okay, and of course I'll go with you."

"Thanks," he heaved a sigh of relief. "And if they throw me out, can I come back here to stay with you?"

"Leo, they are not going to throw you out. But you can stay here with me no matter what happens."

He snuggled closer to me still. "Good," he said. "After I get a job I'll even pay you rent. I won't just be a freeloader."

"Why don't we talk about that when the time comes. For now, let's just get some rest."

Mom was disappointed when I called to tell her I wouldn't be able to join her for Thanksgiving, but when I explained what happened, she understood perfectly. I then called Tyrone and asked if it was all right that Troy invited me out for Thanksgiving. He immediately reminded me that I was always welcome in their home, especially at the holidays. He also casually mentioned that the Barringers were flying out to North Carolina, because Cliff couldn't get the time off work. I had been concerned about running into Cliff and Derek when I was in Spokane, so I was particularly appreciative of him letting me know that was one problem I wouldn't have to face. With Maggie's help, I got Troy through the next three days, until it was time to head to the airport Wednesday night.

"Do you think they'll be mad?" Troy asked during the flight.

"I can't imagine they'll be jumping with joy," I told him honestly. "But I think they know everyone makes mistakes. I hope they'll focus on what you're doing right rather than what you did wrong."

"Yeah," he turned to look out the window. "I hope so too."

Bruce and Tyrone met us at the airport. Though Troy tried to hide it, his fathers instantly knew something was wrong. Bruce began to question him immediately, while Tyrone looked to me. Noting the small shake of my head, he placed his hand on Bruce's shoulder in a gesture meant at once to calm and restrain, and suggested that it would be better to leave serious discussions for when we got home. Bruce started to protest, but then he simply gathered Troy into his arms for a warm hug and only afterwards allowed Tyrone to lead us to their car. Although normally Bruce sat up front with Tyrone, this time he motioned for me to take his spot while he joined Troy in the back. On the ride home Tyrone and I made small talk, while Bruce, sensing Troy's need for comfort, gathered his son to his chest and held him in silence.

When we got to the house, Troy and I unpacked and the four of us had dinner. Only after I helped Troy clear away the dessert dishes did we all adjourn to the living room, Bruce and Tyrone on the love seat and Troy on the sofa, with me standing behind him.

"Now would be a good time to tell us what's wrong, Son," Tyrone encouraged. Bruce's face was full of concern.

"I," Troy began and halted. He looked back at me, so I gave him a nod of encouragement as I stepped forward and lightly placed both of my hands on his shoulders. He turned towards his fathers once again. "I screwed up. Bad. I was having a hard time in my classes, right from the beginning, so when some kids asked me to go to a party I thought it might be good to have a little fun and relax."

I watched Bruce narrow his eyes and tighten his grip on the arm of the love seat. I gave both of Troy's shoulders a squeeze, signaling him to keep going. As he spoke, head down, unable to look at them, Bruce and Tyrone listened without interruption. They didn't speak until Troy halted again, when he explained how he broke up with Zack and asked him to leave.

"And what was your role in all this, Edward?" Bruce asked, barely keeping his anger in check.

"Zack came to me and told me what happened. As soon as I heard, I went to see Leo. By then he'd realized he made a mistake. He agreed to try harder in school and to stop the drinking and the drugs. And he came to live with me, so I could make sure he kept his word."

"And you thought that was the best way to resolve this? Just to handle it yourself, even though you had no clue what you were doing? You didn't think we had a right to know what was going on with our son? Who the hell do you think you are?" Bruce was clearly furious, but at least the fury was directed at me, not at Leo.

"Chop, Chop," Tyrone intervened. "Let's give Edward a chance to explain."

"No, Tyrone," Bruce turned some of the anger on his partner. "I know you two are close, but there is no one close enough to overlook endangering our child. You know he's a recovering addict," he ranted at me, "And you know his HIV could create a life and death situation, for himself and others, if he began using again. I cannot believe you would be so irresponsible as to keep this from us."

"He wanted to tell you, Dad," Troy tried to defend me. "I begged him not to. I was too afraid of what would happen if you found out. But he told me that when I got myself back on track I would have to tell you anyway. I wouldn't be here talking to you today if it wasn't for Edward."

"I'm sure you did beg him not to tell us, and I understand why you were scared, though we've told you time and time again that you can always come to us with anything," Bruce softened his tone slightly as he addressed Troy. "But you weren't thinking clearly. If you had been, none of this would have happened. Edward has no excuse," he turned back to me. "You got extremely lucky, but what if your plan hadn't worked? What if it had been the exact wrong thing to do?" Bruce's ire was back to its fullest extreme.

"I would have come to you immediately if anything had gone wrong," I offered, though weakly, remembering the night Troy drove to my house impaired. We had been extremely lucky nothing happened that night.

"And by then it might have been too late," Bruce continued his tirade.

"Bruce," Tyrone spoke firmly, "this is not the time to worry about things that didn't happen. We still have to hear the rest of the story. What's happened since you moved in with Edward, Leo?"

"Gem's been great, Dad," Troy praised me, undoubtedly trying to deflect some of Bruce's anger. "He arranged for guys on campus to keep me company between classes so I wouldn't get tempted by the other people I knew, and he got me to see a therapist, which really helped. He even got Zack to talk to me, though the changes I made weren't enough to fix what I did," I couldn't see his face, but it was obvious from his voice that talking about his ex-boyfriend brought Troy to tears.

"I'm still not clear on what exactly happened with Zack," Tyrone observed, "And why you did what you did?"

I quickly realized that as much as I wanted to be here for him, I could not listen to Troy go over this part of the story again. Before he could start speaking, I leaned over next to his ear. "I told you they wouldn't be mad, that they would understand. I told you they loved you. I think it's better if I leave you three alone now, all right?"

Troy looked back at me, startled. "But," he started to protest.

"You needed me here for support because you were afraid how they'd react," I reminded him. "But they're fine. This should be a time for just you and your fathers. I'll be in the kitchen if you need me, okay?"

His eyes searched mine and I think he finally recognized my need to distance myself from this part of the conversation. He turned his body completely so that he was now kneeling on the sofa, facing me, with his back to his dads. He wrapped his arms around my neck and pressed himself close to me, his head resting beneath my chin.

"I love you, Edward," he whispered.

"I love you too, Leo," I whispered back, then pulled back and kissed the top of his head. I saw that both Bruce and Tyrone stood up and stepped closer to the sofa. "I'll be in the kitchen while you talk," I told them.

"You don't have to leave, Edward," Tyrone declared.

"Yeah, I do," I said as we exchanged a meaningful look. He nodded and I took my leave, glancing back one last time at Troy and his fathers, who now sat on either side of him for support.

In the kitchen I sat at the breakfast bar, drinking a couple more cups of coffee, musing on the strange direction my life had taken. I was sitting in my ex-boyfriend's former lover's fathers' house, supporting their other son, whom I thought of as my kid brother. Such a long way from a time when the only person in the world I felt close to was Jasper. It was comforting to have so many people in my life I could look to for support, and offer support to in return, but I wondered what choice I would make if I had to give up everyone else in order to get Jasper back. Not that there was anything other than a theoretical possibility of that ever happening. But still, if presented with that option, I knew I would be tempted. Maybe I was finally reaching the point where the scales would tip to the side of everyone else in my life, but I didn't feel like I had gotten there yet.

Bruce, Tyrone and Troy talked for a long time. My second cup of coffee had been empty for quite a while before Tyrone finally joined me in the kitchen. I was only slightly surprised not to see Bruce and Troy with him. I figured Troy was emotionally drained and Bruce had always been the one who comforted him best.

"He told you about Zack? And not wanting to go to school?" I asked.

"Yes."

"And are you guys okay with that?"

"Are we okay with Leo not wanting to go to college? Of course we are. We want him to be happy and healthy. If school is making him unhappy enough to seek drugs, clearly it's not the right place for him to be. He's still a kid. He has time to grow up and mature and figure out what he wants to do with his life. He says he wants to go back to Seattle and live with you. We told him it's his choice, as long as you're okay with it. But don't feel you have to say yes. And even if you let him stay with you, you can put him in the apartment over the garage and we'll pay you rent."

"Tyrone, come on. I love that kid. And it's been nice having company at the house. He's a good roommate - pulls his weight and then some. And take it from me, after what happened with Zack, he shouldn't be living alone."

Tyrone nodded. "It's very unfortunate what happened with Zack," he said.

"Is Leo okay?" I asked as he poured himself some of the remaining coffee.

"He'll be all right eventually," Tyrone replied. "Telling us the story really shook him up, though. Bruce went up with him. I thought it might be better if they had a chance to talk together, just the two of them."

"Maybe you should go up and talk to him. You really helped me deal with my situation with Cliff."

Tyrone smiled wryly as he took a long swallow of coffee. "Remember how I told you Bruce and I complement each other? It's true for relationship advice, too. I can give advice on how to deal with a break-up. Bruce is better at re-building. In this case, based on everything that Leo told us about his last conversation with Zack, Bruce thinks all may not be lost. So he's giving the advice for now. If his advice doesn't work, I'll step in to do my part."

I sighed and looked down at the counter. Had Cliff gone to Bruce for advice before our relationship fell apart? I was tempted to ask, but then figured maybe I was better off not knowing.

"I have to tell you, Edward, Bruce isn't really happy with you right now." I started to defend myself, but he spoke again before I could get in a word. "And I'm not thrilled with everything you did either." I sank into the bar stool. It was much harder to deal with Tyrone's disapproval than it had been with Bruce's.

"I'm really sorry, Tyrone. Zack came to me because he didn't want Leo to get in trouble with you guys, and it seemed wrong to turn around and tell you if there was a chance I could get Leo back on track first. I just tried to be a good big brother. But I understand Bruce's point too."

"I don't necessarily share my husband's view completely, Edward," He walked over and took a seat next to me, placing his hand on my back. "First of all, thank you for stepping in the way you did. Leo is not and has never been your responsibility, and yet you have helped us with him from the very start, and continued even after you could have severed your connection with him and us. You behaved exactly as a good older brother would, and I'm proud of you for that. I'm also proud of all the things you did right, like getting Leo to see a therapist, and making sure that he kept away from people who got him involved in all this stuff. As Leo's Father, I'm not happy that Bruce and I were kept in the dark, but siblings often have secrets from parents, whether the parents like it or not. And, thankfully, it all worked out well. So I'll just say that in the future, although we hope this will never happen again, if it does and you know about it, we expect you to tell us immediately. The three of us can discuss next steps and keeping us in the background for a while if that makes sense, but we'll do it knowingly and in a way that lets us monitor the situation and step in as soon as we think it's the right thing to do. Agreed?"

I nodded. "Like you, I hope it won't happen again. But yes, agreed, you have my word."

"All right," he drained his coffee and slipped off the stool. He opened his arms and I stood as well, happy to step into his hug. "I am proud of you, Edward. What you did may not have been perfect, but you did well. Even Bruce can't argue with the results. And you were a good brother and mentor to Leo," he released me and turned to take both our mugs. "And now I'd better go and see if I can cool off my Chinese firecracker. By morning we should all be back to normal."

Tyrone was true to his word. The next morning Bruce delivered one last lecture, a slight variation on the one I got from Tyrone the previous evening, but in the end he hugged me, thanked me, and told me that he was proud of me too. By the time we all sat down to a slightly less than traditional Thanksgiving meal, all discord was long forgotten. After dinner, the three of them took me to the airport so that I could be back at work Friday morning.

When Troy returned to Seattle, Bruce's advice seemed to motivate him into action and out of his depression. Bruce was convinced that Troy would be best off re-establishing contact and keeping in touch with Zack, and then slowly, over time, demonstrating that he had changed in deeds, as well as words.

"Bruce said to try to be friends first, and not to interfere with his dating, which is gonna be really hard. But he said if I can show him how much of an effort I'm making to be different than I was before, he may change his mind. And Bruce said rebound relationships almost never work, so I shouldn't worry too much about this new guy and just concentrate on being a good friend. If Zack will let me," his face clouded a little at that thought, but not for long. "Bruce just said not to give up. Even if I only have him in my life as a friend, that will be better than nothing."

I nodded. Friendship was better than nothing. A lot better.

"Just make sure you don't say anything bad about him and the new boyfriend, or boyfriends. Don't put him in a position where he feels he has to choose," I warned. Troy looked at me sadly. He knew exactly why I could reinforce Bruce's advice on that point.

I had to give Bruce credit. His talk with Troy was clearly inspirational. The kid came back determined to succeed in his quest to re-establish a friendship with Zack. When the other boy at first refused to respond to his e-mails and calls, Troy tracked down Moose and worked on Zack's best friend, until he finally agreed to intercede with Zack on Troy's behalf. Finally, two weeks later, Zack agreed to meet with Troy for a lunch at the Hub. That evening, Troy was walking on air.

"We just talked, Gem, but I loved being there with him. I told him about the conversation with Dads at Thanksgiving, and how much grief you got from Bruce for not telling them right away. He wanted me to tell you he was sorry about putting you in that position."

"He didn't have anything to do with it. I decided not to tell them myself."

"I know. I told him that too. But you know Zack. He felt bad anyway. But then I told him that it all worked out. And then I told him how I was going to drop out of school and look for a job, so I wouldn't see him on campus anymore, and how I hoped that we could still get together every once in a while, just to talk and hang out," he paused dramatically.

"And?" I prompted, as he clearly wanted me to do.

"And he said yes! Drew has some sort of a meeting he goes to every other Tuesday night, so we can get together then."

I gave him a wide smile. I loved seeing the excitement on his face and in his eyes.

"That's great, Leo. It's a good start."

"Yeah," Troy nodded his head enthusiastically. "I mean, I hate that he's with someone else, but I stayed cool while he talked about the other guy. I didn't give away anything, just listened. And you know what? The guy sounds weird. He doesn't eat meat or dairy products at all - just vegetables and stuff like that. Zack loves hamburgers and pot roast and meat in general, and eggs and milk, so I think the food will be a problem, especially since this guy seems really religious about it, you know? And he's really anti-government. His parents were arrested in those riots a few years back? The whole family is like that. I think Zack thought that was cool at first, but now he's kind of tired of it. I don't know. He seemed to enjoy lunch. At first he was really quiet, but as we ate and talked he relaxed and started smiling and joking and laughing. It was nice. I think with a little time, if he sees how hard I'm trying, I might get another shot."

"One step at a time, though, right?" I cautioned, not wanting him to get his hopes up too much.

"Yeah, I know. For now we'll have finals and break, and then when I come back I'm gonna have to find a job. Keeping busy will make it a little easier. And at least I have something to look forward to. And he said it's okay to e-mail him and call him again, so there's that too."

I was thrilled for Troy, and hoped he was right about his long term plans. From what he said, Zack's new boyfriend really did not sound like Zack's type at all. It made sense that, on the rebound, Zack would fall for someone very different from Troy. But while those differences may have made the other guy seem perfect initially, I agreed with Troy that they would likely work against him in the long run. Zack and Troy were just too perfect together for Zack to be happy with someone who was Troy's complete opposite. As long as Troy played his cards right and didn't try to rush things, hopefully he would eventually get his wish.

I spent a lot of time that December writing about Zack and Troy in my Jasper journal. I wrote how much the boys reminded me of us, and how much I hoped their love story would get a happier ending than ours did. I thought about Rochester, when I tried to do what Troy was doing now and was so coldly rejected. I wondered if I gave up too easily. Troy had to go through Moose to finally convince Zack to talk to him. What if, instead of running away, I had stayed in New York and tried to tame that fire breathing dragon bitch of a friend of his? Tried to convince her that I had never been the bad guy he assumed I was and that since he'd left I changed even more. Granted, I wasn't as different then as I was now, but I also wasn't the guy he left behind. Would that have worked? Did I miss another opportunity by reacting too quickly? It was all pure speculation, but it gnawed at me. I had no idea if I would ever get another chance with Jasper, but I decided that if I ever got that lucky, I too would follow Bruce's advice. I would go slow and give Jasper as much time as he needed to get to know me; the new and hopefully better me. I would wait for him to realize that I had something to offer, maybe even wait for him to express an interest, before I sought anything more.

After finals, Troy flew back home to Spokane, while I took a few days off to spend with Mom in Port Townsend. On Christmas Eve we drove to Port Angeles, where we had dinner with Michael and his kids and spent the night in their home. Christmas Day all five of us drove to Forks to spend the day with Siobhan, Liam, Rosalie, Maggie and the kids. It probably should have felt strange celebrating Christmas in the house where I grew up, but it didn't. Siobhan and Liam re-decorated so that it really didn't feel like the place I used to live. And with all the new faces sharing the holiday, the location didn't matter all that much.

I did have one moment of panic when Mom, who had not met Owen before, audibly gasped when she caught a glimpse of his little face and hair. She looked at me with a shocked expression, and I felt a huge twinge of guilt for not telling her what to expect. But her face cleared quickly, replaced with understanding, and she reached out to tenderly take the baby from Rose.

"He's absolutely beautiful," she said, her voice slightly awed. "Yes you are, Owen. You're quite the handsome little boy."

"He is pretty special," Maggie agreed. "And we hope Aunt Esme knows she is always welcome to visit him and his brother."

I saw tears pooling in my mom's eyes. "Thank you! I would love to come out to visit the boys. And if you girls ever need a break, I'd be happy to take them off your hands for a weekend or a week. When they get older they might enjoy a week in Port Townsend in the summertime. And, of course, you're welcome to come with them any time as well."

Mom held Owen for some time, occasionally looking up at me and smiling. She obviously realized I was the source of his Y chromosome, but she didn't say a thing about it, either that day or afterwards. She was astute enough to recognize that Maggie, Rose and I kept my identity as Owen's sperm donor a secret for a reason, and she was in a better position than most to know exactly what that reason was. I was just glad that, while I was unlikely to ever give her a legitimate grandson, at least Maggie and Rose both showed willingness to let Mom be part of Owen's life, so she would have some of the pleasure of watching him grow up.

As usual, I worked the day after Christmas, so I drove back home alone after we finished dinner and opened all the presents. I spent a couple of evenings alone with Remmy, but having had Troy living with me for over two months, I didn't really mind having the time to myself. On the third day I noticed a U-Haul trailer in the driveway of a home on the block that had recently been sold, and that night my solitude was interrupted by a knock at the door. Curious, since I almost never had unannounced visitors, and certainly not during a holiday week when most everyone was busy, I opened the door to find a woman I'd never met.

"Hi, I'm Diane Wies," she said, extending her hand in greeting. "I moved in this morning, a couple doors down. I was just settling in for a cozy dinner of canned soup when I realized I must have packed up my can opener with the rest of my kitchen stuff, which won't arrive until tomorrow. I would go out to buy another one, but I'm not all that familiar with the area yet, so I'm not sure where the stores are. Besides, it seems a waste if I could maybe borrow yours for the night? I promise to bring it back."

"I'm Edward Cullen," I replied, shaking the offered hand. "Welcome to the neighborhood. And sure, you're welcome to borrow my opener. Or, if you prefer, you can join me for a bowl of homemade chili. It's not bad, if I say so myself." I'd cooked the chili in the slow cooker the day after Christmas, and the flavors had plenty of time to blend perfectly. I didn't ordinarily invite my neighbors over for dinner, but given the season it seemed the hospitable thing to do, especially since the woman had only an empty house and a bowl of canned soup to look forward to at her place.

"Oh, I wouldn't want to intrude. I know it's a busy time of year," she protested.

"Not at all. In fact, I've had a few quiet evenings while my little brother, who lives here with me, is on his winter break, so some company would be welcome," I assured her.

"Well, if you're sure it's no trouble. Chili does sound better than canned minestrone," she smiled.

"No trouble at all. Come on in," I opened the door wider and let her into the house.

"Aw, what a cute kitty!" she exclaimed. "What's your name, sweetie?"

I turned to find Remmy peeking at us curiously from around the corner.

"That's Remmy. He's pretty friendly. I'm sure he'll be keeping us company while we eat."

I took Diane's coat and hung it in the hall closet. Seeing that Diane was staying, Remmy emerged from his hiding place and approached her. She squatted down to scratch his head as he cautiously sniffed her.

"That's Samson and Delilah you smell," she said. "I have a couple of cats too," she informed me. "Brother and sister. They can be trouble makers, but they keep me laughing. They're not too happy with me at the moment, though. All they've had from me over the past few days was packing and a road trip with nothing but a strange empty house at the end of it. They're still acclimating.

"This is a great house. You said it's just you and your younger brother living here?" Diane asked as she followed me into the kitchen and looked around.

"Yeah. Well, mostly just me, but my brother, Leo, has been staying with me the last few months. He's a good kid. It's been nice having him around."

"So where are your parents?"

"Oh," I paused for a moment. "Spokane and Port Townsend."

"Divorced, huh? I'm sorry."

"It's okay," I assured her. "Our parents actually get along fine."

"Well, sometimes it's easier to get along when you don't have to live together," she laughed. "That's why I enjoy living alone. Well, with Samson and Delilah," she corrected. "But most of the time they're excellent roommates and don't complain much."

We kept chatting while I heated and served the chili, dishing out shredded cheese, sour cream and crackers. Diane explained that she moved to Covington from Portland to start a new job as a Vice President of a logistics company. She was single and had never been married, "By choice," she said with a laugh, "because I don't like answering to anyone and I haven't found the right guy to appreciate this much woman, with a brain to match." I wasn't impolite enough to ask her age, but she looked to be in her forties, nearly a foot shorter than me and hefty. She was clearly comfortable with herself, though, and the way she talked and cracked jokes made it difficult not to feel happy around her. When I told her I was a park ranger she took another look around and commented that either my parents were really rich or I was running a drug smuggling ring on the side. I shrugged and told her my grandfather left me a trust fund. "Well, good for you," she said. "It must be nice to be able to do what you love without worrying about the finances."

We drained a bottle of red wine while chit chatting, and I eventually told her I was gay, and that Leo was my gay brother, rather than a biological sibling. She was all excited at this news, talking about a gay college friend whom she'd lost touch with over time. "I know I must seem ancient to you, " she joked, "but I hope that won't stop us from being friendly neighbors. I used to love all of Jimmy's dating stories, and I bet you have some good ones too. He always gave me the best advice about men. It was like having a girlfriend who knew exactly how you felt, but thought like a guy too. Not that I'm expecting you to be like that," she quickly assured. "I mean, I'm probably old enough to be your mother. But if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm just down the street."

"I'll keep that in mind," I told her. "And I don't go out all that much, so we can hang out sometimes, if you'd like."

She leaned back in her chair and looked at me with raised eyebrows. "You don't go out that much? At your age? What are you waiting for, a walker? Honey, when I was your age I went out all the time. I only wish I still had the stamina. You're too young to be a homebody."

I grimaced. "You sound like one of my best friends. Only he might be changing his tune now that he's found the love of his life."

"I bet he didn't find him hiding under his living room couch," she pointed out. I had to laugh at the comical picture this brought to mind.

"No, he did not," I acknowledged. "But it's a little more complicated for me."

"Okay," she shrugged and didn't press. And maybe that's why I put on coffee and served cookies for dessert and ended up telling her my entire life story. She was bizarrely easy to talk to, listening without being at all judgmental. "It hasn't exactly been easy for you, has it?" she asked rhetorically when I finished my story. "But it sounds like you gathered up all the pieces and turned them right side up, and now it's just a matter of time before you put them all together. It was a little bit like that for me too," she explained, launching into her own story. It was my turn to listen and I didn't mind at all, finding her story as fascinating as she apparently found mine. In the end, we agreed to be friends. That night I fell asleep with a smile, feeling happier and somehow lighter in spirit than I had in a long time.

Seth and Garrett invited everyone to their penthouse for New Year's Eve. I originally planned to spend the night at Emmett's, but he'd met someone on a business trip to Vegas and wasn't coming home for the party. I knew whoever it was must have made quite an impression for him not to fly back to celebrate New Year's with Seth. And since Emmett rarely did casual hook ups, I wondered if this was going to be the next boyfriend, leaving me the odd man out again. I had a key to Emmett's place and could have easily crashed there anyway, but it would have been strange to be there without him, so I elected to drive to the party with Maggie and Rosalie, who left the boys with Rosalie's folks in Tacoma. Since Garrett and Seth were apparently inviting some work and business friends, this was going to be a more formal affair than we were used to, so the three of us had dressed up accordingly. Rosalie wore a skin-tight, emerald green cocktail dress, with a skirt high enough to show off her amazingly long legs and a keyhole front opening that gave anyone interested a tantalizing peek at her cleavage. Maggie dressed more demurely, though she still looked gorgeous in a floor-length white and gold gown with spaghetti straps and a full skirt that swirled around her as she walked. I paired a black two button Armani suit with a light gray dress shirt and a black and white, diagonal, narrow stripe tie, earning me compliments from my sisters.

"It's nice to see you in something other than jeans or the park ranger uniform," Rosalie said. "You should dress up more often."

"What the hell for?" I grumbled. "This is uncomfortable as hell and it's not like I've got anyone to impress."

"We're impressed," Maggie quipped. "And you never know whose eye you're going to catch dressed like that. Maybe you can find someone as dreamy as Garrett," she said with a wink.

"Don't start," I groaned. "Not tonight. Just be happy I agreed to come out to this shindig."

"I don't even want to hear it, Edward," Maggie rolled her eyes as she chastised. "I know you're recording that damn show, so there's absolutely no reason for you to sit home all alone and wallow. You'll have plenty of time for that tomorrow."

I silently noted that it wasn't the same, but said nothing, knowing it would be a waste of my breath and would just encourage her to go on. She was right, I was recording the new year's telecast from New York City and fully intended to watch it later, but I also hoped to be able to sneak away and find a TV somewhere in the penthouse to watch it there as well. Of course, I wasn't about to tell Maggie any of that. What she didn't know wouldn't hurt me.

We parked in my space in the garage and took the elevator up to the penthouse. The party was just starting to gather steam, with a constant stream of elegantly dressed guests greeted in the foyer by an ice sculpture of Michelangelo's David, though considerably better endowed. I chuckled in recognition and appreciation of what I had no doubt was Seth's special touch.

The penthouse owners stood together near the entry to greet their guests. Garrett looked dashing in a tux, with his hair pulled back into a neat pony tail. Seth was nearly as elegant in tight black leather pants and matching vest paired with a red, silk pirate shirt that was very loosely tied at the neck with a black leather cord, the sleeves billowing out of the arm holes of vest. I hugged and kissed Garrett on the cheek, reserving the even bigger hug and a kiss on the lips for Seth. "You've never looked more stunning," I told Seth, running my fingers over the silky, long, ebony hair spread out over his shoulders.

"I know," Seth sighed dramatically.

"You look quite handsome yourself, Edward," Garrett complimented. "Formal wear becomes you."

"That's exactly what we told him," Maggie said after accepting kisses on her cheek, first from Garrett, and then Seth.

"Don't get used to it," I replied darkly. "This is the only place I can think of where I'd need to wear this get up. And let me tell you, just as soon as possible, this stuff is coming off."

"Just be sure to leave wearing everything you had on when you arrived," Seth quipped softly enough for only me and Maggie to hear. My sister sent me a narrow eyed silent warning, which I most intentionally ignored.

As new arrivals distracted the hosts, Maggie, Rosalie and I made our way into the penthouse and mingled with others who had gotten there before us, including Leah, Justin and Melinda, as well as Seth and Garrett's work colleagues. I noted that Aksel and Armando were among the white jacketed waiters circulating with trays of beverages and appetizers. There was also a new guy behind the bar whom I hadn't seen before. I smirked, realizing that Seth's parties provided better pick-up opportunities than clubs, and I fully intended to take advantage. Not an hour later I took Armando up on his offer from Halloween in the very back of Seth and Garrett's spacious walk-in pantry. When we were done, he went back to work and I snuck into Seth and Garrett's den, where I tuned the TV to the Times Square telecast. I felt fairly relaxed after my extracurricular activities with Seth's waiter, so my level of anxiety and anticipation as I watched the show was actually the lowest since that first time. I was watching more for the ritual and ceremony of it than out of any real hope of seeing him. But regardless of why I was planted in front of the TV, I still couldn't pull myself away.

When the telecast was over I turned off the television and leaned back on the leather sofa. I felt strange. It seemed like changes were happening all around me: Rosalie and Maggie having a new baby, Seth falling in love, Troy and Zack breaking up, Emmett finding boyfriend after boyfriend, Cliff reconnecting with Derek, even my mom involved with a man other than my father. The only constant in all of it was me - stuck in time, unable to go back or move forward, obsessed with someone I'd probably never see again, but unwilling to let go. How long could that possibly go on? I felt stagnant, and I suspected the only thing that could combat these feelings would be a drastic change, but I had no idea what kind of change would be powerful enough.

"Edward, are you all right?" Maggie's question interrupted my thoughts. I turned my head over the back of the sofa to see her standing in the doorway.

"Yeah, Mags, I'm fine," I reassured her.

"Were you ever planning on re-joining us, or were you going to spend the rest of the party in here by yourself?" Her tone was mildly accusatory as she walked over to sit next to me, and it instantly made me defensive.

"It's not like you all don't know I don't like to go out on New Year's Eve. I came and put in an appearance. Isn't that enough? Other than you and Seth, I doubt anyone out there even noticed I was gone."

"That's not true, Edward. Everyone you know out there has commented on your absence, and a guy from Seth's work is almost beside himself trying to find you."

I raised my eyebrow at her, confused.

"I think his name is Len? Apparently he spoke with you earlier and was quite impressed. Seth said he was a nice guy, and single."

I searched my memory bank until I remembered a conversation with a small group of people, including a guy whose may have been Len. He was a little older, fairly average and nondescript. No one I would have thought about twice had it not been for Maggie's reminder.

"What else did Seth say?" I asked, suspicious. I had a feeling there was more that Maggie was not sharing. She sighed.

"He said that Len is a little boring and on the shy side and kind of keeps to himself, doesn't like to socialize much. But that wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing for you. Cliff wasn't exactly a social butterfly either. And Seth did say that he'd never seen Len as animated or as interested about any other guy before tonight, so that's a good sign, right? Why don't you come back out to the party with me and talk to this guy. Give him a chance. Maybe he'll surprise you and maybe you will find there was someone to impress here tonight after all."

I rolled my eyes at her. "Mags, I could barely remember this guy, having just met him a couple of hours ago. I really don't think he's... "

"Edward, please, you don't think enough, and then you think too much!" she interrupted and shook her head. "Look, I know this hasn't been easy for you, but it's been two years since you and Cliff broke up and all you've done since then is fuck around with these boys that have nothing to offer you but physical pleasure. And I know that's all well and good and natural for a guy your age," she continued before I could get a word in edgewise, "and if it was making you happy and satisfied I wouldn't say a word, but I can see that it's not enough for you. I get that the singles things didn't work out. Fine. But there's more to the gay community than the clubs, Edward. There are other places you can go to meet men who are interested in more than one night stands. And tonight there's Len. Seth would not have invited him if he was a bad guy, or he would have warned me when I asked about him. Maybe there's more to this guy than he ever showed Seth? Don't you owe it to yourself to give him a chance?"

I groaned, but she did have a point. And hadn't I just been thinking about making changes? Maybe a date with this guy, however unmemorable he may have seemed at first glance, was exactly the change I needed?

"Fine. I'll go out there and talk to him and see what happens. But I make no promises."

"I'm not asking for promises," Maggie sighed. "Except for this, I would like you to promise me that you'll stop trolling for sex among Seth's party staff and start looking for more meaningful encounters. I know it may take a while before you find the right guy, but it will take forever if you never even start looking."

"Take a while? I thought prince charming Len was waiting right outside the door?" I teased. It was her turn to roll her eyes at me.

"Come on," she said, holding out her hand. I took it and we left the den together.

Len turned out to be okay. Pleasant, but nothing extraordinary. I wasn't really attracted to him, but keeping Maggie's admonition in mind, I asked if he wanted to have dinner the following weekend, an invitation he enthusiastically accepted. We made arrangements to meet at a restaurant he raved about and he remained glued to my side for the remainder of the night, which fortunately was not long. On the drive home I could see Maggie was pleased, which made one of us. Still, I was determined to keep an open mind. Other than a little time on a Saturday night that I would have otherwise spent at home with Troy, I really had nothing to lose.

I picked Troy up at the airport a couple days after New Year's. Since he wasn't going back to school, there was no specific time he had to be back, but I knew he was eager to re-connect with Zack and get a job, in that order, so he didn't linger with his dads in Spokane. He and Zack had been e-mailing over the break and Drew apparently had a meeting the upcoming Tuesday, so Troy wanted to make sure he was in town to take advantage of the opportunity to see Zack in person.

"I don't think they had such a hot break together," he told me with a small smile. "At least not from the way it sounded in Zack's e-mails. It wasn't so much what he said, but reading between the lines I could tell something wasn't right."

"Before you get too excited, keep in mind that even if things don't work out between him and Drew, he won't necessarily be ready to get back together with you. Make sure you give him enough time and space to want what you had back. If you push too much or too hard you may end up scaring him away," I warned.

When Troy came back from his Tuesday night dinner with Zack, he could barely contain his excitement.

"He had a horrible time with Drew and his family," he said gleefully. "I guess they're all anarchists or something. Extremely political, but just this side of crazy, you know? And not only do they not eat any animal products at all, which was already hard for Zack and something he only tolerated with Drew, but they were very mean about Zack's eating habits, because he hadn't turned vegan. Drew's sister was apparently especially nasty, and Drew didn't say anything in Zack's defense."

"I hope you were a little more compassionate and less excited when he was actually telling you this stuff," I teased.

"Of course!" Troy scoffed. "I tried to say as little as possible, just listened."

"Smart," I approved.

"And listen to this! They don't celebrate Christmas, because they don't believe in God. That's something else they were mean to Zack about, 'cause you know he's Lutheran, even though he doesn't go to church much. They were saying how could Zack believe in God when God supposedly hates gay people. And they said religious people are the most hateful and bigoted people out there. So Zack told them that his God doesn't hate homosexuals and doesn't inspire hate but love. So Drew's mother said that he must have his own personal religion because there are no religions out there that actually teach tolerance. So then he told her he thought she was intolerant," Troy laughed. "And then he and Drew got into a fight because Drew said Zack shouldn't insult his mother. Can you believe it? After the whole family insulted Zack and Drew did nothing. They made up later, but I don't think things are as good between them as they used to be."

"I guess the glow is wearing off a little, huh?" I said with a smile.

"Yeah," he raised both his eyebrows. "And I might have stoked the fire a little by telling him how much fun I had over Christmas, hanging out with Dads and the Barringers. I could tell he was a little envious, and maybe nostalgic. And he really liked the presents from me and Dads. Drew and his family obviously didn't get him anything."

"Well, it certainly sounds like you're on the right path. Just keep doing what you're doing and see what happens."

"Right. Next step is getting a job. I think I need to show him that I can be responsible, even if I'm not going to school."

I'd talked about Troy's situation with my friends and with Bruce and Tyrone. While Troy was willing to do anything, we made him seriously think about his likes and dislikes, so that we could steer him towards work that he would actually enjoy. When he mentioned that he liked tinkering with electrical stuff, Rosalie thought of a friend of hers who owned a security system installation business.

"I think he even mentioned how they need smaller guys who can get into tight spaces to run the wires and stuff," she said. "I'll give him a call and find out if he has anything available."

As it turned out, while her friend didn't have a full time opening, he offered to hire Troy on a part-time apprentice basis, suggesting that Troy use the rest of the time to take some electrical classes at a technical college. I was a little worried that Troy would be turned off at the mention of school, but it seemed this type of education was sufficiently different that he was actually excited about it. We quickly found him the classes he needed and he was on his way to learning a good trade in a growing industry.

"It's cool," he said, "because Zack's studying computers and how to write security software and stuff, so it's kind of like we're working on similar things."

"Perfect," I said, happy that he found something to do that was challenging and held his interest. I watched with pride as he applied himself both at work and to his studies, and I was pleased that his communication with Zack also seemed to be going well.

Things weren't nearly as easy for me on the personal front. First, Emmett came back from Las Vegas completely besotted. It was clear from the first moment I talked to him, meeting him in his condo for a beer and pizza, that he had completely fallen for this stranger he'd only known a few days. In fact, I had to confirm that the guy wasn't Hebrew instead of Arabic, because the way Emmett talked it sounded like Nasir turned the Nevada desert into a lake and proceeded to walk on water.

"He's so hot, Edward. When I first saw him it was like, I can't even find the words. I couldn't stop staring. And then I saw him at the construction site and I realized he was in the business. I mean, he's smart. And he knows what I do. We could talk to each other about work and understand what we're saying. Not that we did that much, but still, we could. On a personal level he's kind, and sweet, and easy to talk to, and sad, because in his country and in front of his family he can't be who he is - he has to hide. He's got this asshole brother that I'd just like to put through the wall. The brother, Kasim, almost caught us one day, and you should have seen Nasi, he was shaking! I just wanted to take him in my arms and never let him go, protect him from everyone and everything. And yet, despite that, there was never even a question that he was the top. And a damn good one, at that! He's got the equipment and he knows how to take charge, but he's caring too, you know?"

"But will he pass the Clearwater test?" I teased.

"Of course he will," Emmett's reply was immediate and confident. "Seth will love Nasir. I'm sure of it. And so will Garrett, and you."

Based on Emmett's previous boyfriend choices I had my doubts, but I didn't let them show. Instead, I let Emmett tell me all about their first meeting and every subsequent minute they spent together. I had to admit, it was great seeing and hearing Emmett this happy. I certainly never recalled him being this taken with anyone before. In fact, the only people I had ever seen get this excited about their partners were Maggie and Seth, and they had certainly found their own perfect matches. Of course, as happy as I was for him, I was also very aware that yet another of my friends seemed to be filling that void in his life, while the only creature who seemed to be interested in being on the receiving end of my love was Remmy, and even he just wanted to be fed and scratched. I put all those thoughts aside, though, and forced myself to focus on Emmett, hoping that for once the guy he found would match Emmett's description and pass the Clearwater muster. Emmett had certainly paid the tolls by dating his share of trolls. It was high time he found himself a prince charming.

"So what's the next step? Are you going back to Vegas or wherever he is to visit, or is he coming here?"

Emmett's face clouded a little. "He said he'll come out to Seattle as soon as he can, but at this point I'm not sure when that will be."

"Well, my friend," I said, clinking the neck of my beer bottle to his, "let's hope it's sooner rather than later."

"I'll drink to that, Eddie," Emmett said and lifted his bottle to his lips, taking a long swig. "From your lips to God's ears."

"Don't you mean Allah's ears?" I teased.

"God, Allah, Krishna, Zeus - whoever will listen. All I know is that I'd like him to not just visit, but stay permanently. I hated having to say goodbye, and all the more because his mother and sister were there so all we could do was shake hands. I want him here, with me, without any of his family around."

I clinked my beer bottle with his again in silent accord.

As Emmett waited for his new boyfriend to make his way to Seattle, I had my own adventures in dating land with Len. We met for dinner as planned and it was, well, it was benign. Len was the epitome of average, both physically and personality-wise. There was absolutely nothing about him that stood out - good or bad. He was clearly intelligent and well read, and even somewhat of a budding environmentalist, though more so in theory than in practice, so the dinner conversation was pleasant. At the end of the night, though, I knew just about as much about him as I wanted to, and didn't feel the need for a repeat engagement. Unfortunately, the feeling wasn't mutual. As the waiter cleared away our coffee and dessert dishes, Len asked when we could see each other again. When I hesitated, trying to figure out how to decline without seeming like a complete prick, he misread the signs and guessed that I wasn't ready for our evening to end, asking me over to his place for a nightcap. Not wanting to encourage any other misconceptions, I decided to be honest and told him that while I enjoyed the evening, I didn't think we had enough in common to continue seeing each other. I thought that would be the end of it, but he cocked his head and told me that though he understood why I might not want to agree to another date, we could still go to his house and check out his bedroom.

I considered his offer for a moment. I obviously had no ethical or moral aversions to one-time hook ups, and it wasn't like he was a complete toad. In the end, though, the fact that he worked with Seth tipped the balance against fucking him. Len didn't seem the type to cause drama, but appearances could be deceiving, and he wasn't worth risking trouble for Seth at his workplace. Not that the little diva couldn't handle whatever Len decided to dish out, but with Seth still basking in the glow of his new relationship, there was no need for me to piss into his water cooler.

Len seemed put out by my rejection, so we parted on cool if still polite terms, with me making a mental note to never listen to Maggie's dating advice again. I loved my sister dearly and I knew she meant well, but when it came to men, she clearly had no clue. I thanked whichever deity recognized that and made her a lesbian. I could only imagine the messes I'd have to clean up if she had been straight.

Emmett seemed to be luckier than I was in the boyfriend department. Whatever it was that got under his skin in Vegas, Nasir seemed to have it just as bad, and didn't keep our big friend waiting too long. With Emmett apparently otherwise occupied, it fell to Seth to let me know that Emmett's new flame showed up out of the blue, and that the two of them were holed up at the Four Seasons.

"They're meeting Garrett and me at Martin's tomorrow night, though, and you know what that means."

"Seth, come on, go easy on him. Emmett is so excited about this guy. At least give them a few days before you unleash the full fury of the Clearwater investigative prowess."

"Edward, you speak as if I could turn my intuition on and off like a water tap. I know you know better than that. And if there is something wrong with this guy, it's better for everyone to find out sooner rather than later, don't you think? We do not want Emmy to head too far down the wrong path."

I sighed. "Seth, did you ever consider that you might never come across the guy that you think is good enough for Emmett? Maybe your standards are a little too high?"

"I am not even going to dignify that with an answer," Seth replied haughtily. "You can think what you want, but I have always looked out for my best friend and I will continue to do so, because I love him and he deserves the very best. But I'll tell you what. You just call me the moment you decide that someone other than Jasper is good enough for you, and we can discuss me lowering my standards for Emmett at that time."

I shut up then, because he had a point. In our own ways, we were both trying to look out for Emmett, because we both wanted to see him happy. But Seth had known him longer, so he took precedence, and with his sixth sense he was probably better equipped for the job anyway. I eased off, not only because I was powerless to stand in the way of the bulldozer that was Seth Clearwater, but also because chances were if he felt inclined to crush someone, that someone fully deserved to get crushed. I could only hope that Nasir would somehow rise above that fate. And a couple of days later I nearly fell off the bar stool at my breakfast bar, when Seth called me himself to tell me that Nasir did just that.

"I like him," he said simply. "This time Emmy was right. Nasir is the one."

For a moment, I was completely speechless.

"Who are you and what have you done with Seth?" I asked suspiciously.

"Ha. Ha. I swear, sometimes I think I'm living at the fucking Improv, with all the comedians around me. I told you I would know when the guy was right and this guy is right. And Garrett agrees."

"Ah, it's all becoming a bit clearer."

"Shut up! Garrett happens to have impeccable judgment and great taste in men, but his opinion only reinforced what I already knew. Nasir is a great match for Emmett. He's hot, he's not an immature kid, he's not too full of himself, and he very clearly loves Emmy - you'll see. Has Emmett called you yet? When are you going to see them?"

"You must have exhausted them, because Emmett hasn't called. Is Nasir the kind of guy who likes to go out or do you think I could ask them over for dinner here? I'd love to see them Saturday, but I hate how crowded all the downtown restaurants are on the weekends, plus it's a hell of a lot easier for me if I don't have to drive into the city."

"Well, they went out with us, but as often as Nasir eats out, living out of hotels and all, he might appreciate a home cooked meal. And you're a good cook," he added, much to my surprise. Seth had never endorsed my culinary skills before. "But Nasir doesn't eat pork, and he seems to like seafood, like me."

"Ah," another light bulb went off in my head.

"And he likes Laphroaig scotch. So be sure to have some on hand."

"Okay, any other tips?"

"I think that's it. Except of course you have to call me and tell me everything afterwards."

"Aye, aye, Captain. I'll file a full report," I agreed with a snort.

"One aye is sufficient, Ensign, and see that you do," Seth said imperiously, right before hanging up.

I caught up with Emmett later. He relayed pretty much the same version of events as Seth did, and was very pleased that Nasir had been well received by the little master of divination.

"I did have to stop him a couple of times when he went into full inquisitor mode, but of course Nasi was able to handle everything Seth dished out. He was amazing! I've never seen Seth so impressed since he met Garrett. And Garrett and Nasir got on really well. Garrett even suggested they have lunch together one day. It would be so great if the two of them became good friends. Nasi has no gay friends and he and Garrett seem to have a lot in common. And if they were friends there would be no issues about my friendship with Seth," Emmett offered the last thought with a sigh, cognizant that his close relationship with his best friend caused issues with many of his former boyfriends.

"Garrett does not make lunch offers lightly," I assured him. "If he extended an invitation to Nasir, I'm sure that means he likes him. And there is no reason for Nasir not to like Garrett. Garrett is a great guy. Plus, regardless of how the two of them get along, if Nasir is as great of a guy as you say, I'm sure he will understand the exact nature and significance of your friendship with Seth."

"Yeah, you're right. I told Nasir about Seth right away, and he knows there's nothing between us. And he is way more mature than all the other guys who had a problem with Seth. He actually said the sweetest thing at Martin's. Seth went over the line with a question..."

"No!" I interrupted with mock outrage, causing Emmett to laugh.

"I know, nothing unexpected there. I tried to step in to put an end to it, but Nasir just said that Seth's question showed his concern for me as my friend, and that he didn't mind answering."

"Wow," I was genuinely impressed. There weren't many people who could handle Seth with such aplomb. In fact, the only other people I could think of who had done that successfully had been Garrett and Cliff. "So you know now I need to meet him too. I thought it would be nice to have you guys for dinner Saturday at my place. Can Nasir handle a slice of suburbia? Not to mention Leo?"

"Sure, that would be great. But you don't have to cook for us, Eddie."

"It won't be anything too fancy, but I won't embarrass you either."

"Okay. That sounds good. You should know, Nasir doesn't eat..."

"Pork," I filled in. "I know. Your best friend already told me. That, as well as Nasir's favorite brand of Scotch. He wouldn't have paid the slightest attention to that if he didn't like Nasir," I pointed out.

"Huh," Emmett said. "Look at that."

"Yeah. So, I'll see you two Saturday? Say seven?"

"Sure Eddie. See you then."

I figured simple was the best way to go in terms of dinner, so I planned a menu of rice, the steamed vegetables and beef tips or scallops, both sautéed in a light garlic sauce. Troy helped by tossing a salad and baking some puff pastry and herb cream cheese pinwheel appetizers. Even the dessert was simple: a slice of marbled pound cake topped with a mixture of berries and fresh whipped cream. I only hoped Nasir was a man who could appreciate a minimalist approach to cooking.

By the time Nasir and Emmett arrived I was ready, and Troy was just off to change the shirt he had stained while cooking. I heard Emmett's Range Rover first and got up to get the door. I saw Emmett walking up with a very handsome Arab who was nearly Emmett's height, though not quite his breadth. The two of them were holding hands, and Emmett was smiling his biggest dimpled grin as the other man looked around curiously with bright, inquisitive eyes.

"You must be Nasir," I said, holding out my hand. "I'm Edward. Emmett's told me a lot about you. I'm glad you two could make it all the way out here tonight."

"Thank you, Edward," Nasir shook my hand and smiled warmly. "It is such a pleasure to meet Emmett's friends. Thank you for inviting us out to your home. It is very beautiful out here, and very peaceful. A big change from downtown Seattle."

"Edward likes to be close to nature," Emmett commented, pulling me into a quick but strong hug. "He'd probably be most happy living on Mount Rainier in a tent."

"Let's not go overboard," I chuckled. "I do like the comforts of my home. Please, come on in."

I moved aside so they could step into the hallway and take off their jackets, which I hung up for them before leading them deeper into the house.

"Would you like anything to drink? Nasir, I understand you're partial to Laphroaig."

"Yes, that would be very nice. Thank you," Nasir answered, somewhat surprised at my knowledge of his preferences.

"And a Spaten for you, Emmett?" I asked, his smile all the answer I needed. "Have a seat in the living room," I encouraged.

I went to get the drinks while Emmett and Nasir walked into the living room and towards the French doors leading out onto the deck.

"It's too bad it's dark already, Nasi," Emmett said. "Edward has a spectacular view here. The house is right on a lake and there's a very pretty wooded area across the water."

"It is very serene out here, which is exactly what I was looking for when I bought the house," I explained, handing them their drinks.

"You have a beautiful home, Edward," Nasir complimented. "You live here alone?"

"Most of the time, yes. But recently my little brother has been staying with me. And here he is," I said as I saw Troy rounding the corner, wearing a new, clean shirt.

"Nasir, this is Troy, though he prefers Leo," I introduced. "Leo, this is Nasir."

Troy's eyes widened when he first caught sight of Nasir and I smirked a little.

"It is nice to meet you, Leo. Edward, I am amazed at how little you two look alike," he commented on the obvious.

"We're not genetically related," I explained. "It's actually rather complicated. Suffice it to say that Leo might as well be my blood brother. I sure love him as if he was." I motioned for Leo to come over and put my arm around him, pulling him closer when he did.

"Me too," he said, smiling up at me.

"That is a very special thing to see," Nasir commented. "I cannot imagine being close to my brother. That will never be."

"Oh, trust me, Nasir, I know what you're talking about. Tyrone, one of Leo's adopted fathers, is more of a father to me than my own has ever been. I found that often the best family you have is one you make for yourself."

Nasir frowned, as if deep in thought. "I have never considered this," he said. "It is not a concept that exists in my culture. We do not make our own families. It is just the opposite. They are made for us. A man makes these decisions for his children."

I was surprised. I had never considered a life in a society where there wasn't a complete freedom of association. "Then it is fortunate that you live in America now, where you have the freedom to make your own choices," I pointed out.

"Yes," Nasir smiled. "And I made the best choice of my life a few days ago, when I moved to Seattle," he announced proudly as he took Emmett's hand. "Only after meeting Emmett, I really had no choice at all."

The bell on the oven rang, letting us know that the appetizers were ready. Wordlessly, Leo left for the kitchen to plate his creations.

"Go ahead, sit," I encouraged again while I added another log to the burning fire.

"What are you watching?" Emmett asked, glancing at the flat screen TV attached to the stone facade that covered the wall.

"Oh, nothing really. I was flipping channels, because I couldn't take another Buffy episode on LOGO, and stumbled onto a House Hunters International that looked mildly interesting. I have no idea what's on now."

The commercial that had been playing ended, and the screen filled with a face of the host of the program.

"Oh," Nasir exclaimed with mild disgust. "This is that HGTV Design Star program. I used to watch that, but I will not now."

"Yeah? Me too. Tell me why," Emmett turned to Nasir.

"After what happened with Dan, there can be no confidence at all that the best designer will win, because that is certainly not what happened," Nasir answered.

"Oh my God, I know!" Emmett was excited. "I thought the same thing. Dan was completely robbed. I haven't watched it since either!"

"Well," I laughed, "looks like you guys have even more in common than you thought!"

Troy brought in the appetizers and small plates as well as a drink for himself and the four of us made ourselves comfortable, eating and talking. Nasir was interesting, and as the conversation continued over dinner, I found myself agreeing wholeheartedly with Seth's assessment. Beyond his good looks and obvious intelligence, what I found most endearing was his attitude towards Emmett. He was clearly awed and a little excited, not just by Emmett himself, but by having this easy, friendly conversation in the home of Emmett's gay friend. When I got up at one point to refresh our drinks, I noticed that the two of them had shed their shoes and were touching feet under the table, a gesture that was extremely sweet both in what it already said about their relationship and about Nasir's level of comfort in my home. It was nice to think that Nasir felt accepted and welcomed enough not to feel self-conscious about being affectionate with Emmett, even if that affection was still subtle.

"So you work for the government, Edward?" Nasir continued our conversation back in the living room after dinner.

"I do. I'm a park ranger with the National Parks Service. It's a great job. I feel very fortunate."

"I did not think government jobs were so lucrative," Nasir sounded impressed. "I know enough about real estate in America to know this is not an inexpensive property."

Emmett laughed. "Eddie definitely couldn't afford it just on what Uncle Sam is paying him. Hell, I couldn't afford this place on my salary."

"My grandfather left me a trust fund," I explained. "I have enough to be financially independent and quite comfortable."

"Eddie uses the money for good causes too," Emmett added. "He supports environmental organizations and he founded an organization to prevent domestic abuse in the gay community and to aid survivors."

Nasir frowned.

"I do not understand. What is domestic abuse in the gay community?"

"There are some gay men out there who, just like their straight counterparts, feel it is their right to physically abuse their partners. It happens as often in our community as it does in the straight world, but because in our community both of the partners are men, there is an even greater stigma attached to being a victim. After all, men are supposed to fight back, not allow themselves to be abused. But that's being entirely too simplistic."

"Some men can't protect themselves," Emmett picked up where I left off. "Like Seth. Remember, Nasi? I told you about Jared."

"Oh, yes, I do remember," Nasir said as if he had a sudden epiphany. "But Seth is so small. Of course he cannot protect himself. It is good that this Jared is gone and Seth is with Garrett now."

"Absolutely," Emmett echoed, nodding emphatically. "Truer words were never spoken."

"But it's not just a matter of size and strength. Sometimes the victims are not mentally equipped to fight off their attackers, even if they don't have a big size disadvantage," I added, thinking of one very specific victim, who had much more going against him than just being slightly weaker than the bastard he was with. "There is often a pattern of escalation to the abuse, and the abusers lie and say that they'll stop, and then they try to convince the victims that they're only being abused because of something they're doing wrong, and by the time it gets really bad the victims are stripped of almost all their willpower and self-esteem, and isolated from their friends and families. And if they're gay, they have nowhere to go because even the few shelters that are set up don't have a way of distinguishing same sex abusers and victims, so while a women's domestic abuse shelter may be able to keep out all men, a gay men's abuse shelter would not be able to stop an abuser from walking in to look for the victim, because they can't tell who the abusers are."

"What can be done about this?" Nasir asked.

"Our organization sponsors housing vouchers for hotels and apartments, where the men seeking help can stay for a short term. We also have grants to help them secure longer-term housing and counseling, and provide any medical attention that they might need, as well as peer support. Sometimes the best thing for them is speaking to others who have gone through the same thing, so that they know they are not alone and they have nothing to be ashamed of. Our group's job, besides raising funds and awareness of the issue, is to make the survivors feel safe and remind them that they are loved, that they have value, and that they do not need to suffer abuse in order to be loved."

"You say you raise funds. I would like to contribute. Emmett," he turned to my friend, "will you know who I need to put on the check when we get back to the Four Seasons?"

"Nasir, I would never turn down money for the organization, but that is not why I asked you guys to come over for dinner, and I do not want you to feel obligated."

Nasir looked at me and turned to Emmett again. "It is a good cause, is it not?"

Emmett nodded. "It is a very good cause. We know too many people who have been in that situation."

"Then I will contribute," Nasir said simply.

"Thank you, Nasir. That is very generous of you," I said. "But enough with the social issues, tell us more about yourself."

"Yeah," Leo added. "What do you like to do for fun?"

"Well, my country is so different than here. One thing I love to do is race camels. My father owns many camels. I never miss a race."

"Oh my God, you ride a camel?" Leo moved to the edge of his seat with interest.

"I do ride a camel, but only recreationally, in the desert. I am much too big to be a jockey. You are just the right size. I will take you back with me and teach you to race," Nasir smiled at Leo. "There is a sense of freedom out in the desert on your camel. Sometimes I wish I was Bedouin. But of course, then I would not have met my Emmett."

Emmett's smile was fleeting. "I didn't know about that, Nasi. Will you mind not being able to do that here?" he asked with slight concern.

Nasir smiled. "America holds so much more for me. There is such freedom here. And there are other things I can do to occupy myself here when I am not working. I like watching classic movies. I like reading about history and current events."

"Really? What historical period interests you the most?" I asked. From the corner of my eye I could see Leo's waning interest. I waited for a break in Nasir's response about Saladin and his war to repel the infidels before I casually said, "Leo, it's OK if you want to study for that quiz you have Monday."

There was no quiz that I knew of, but Troy caught on and gave me a small, grateful smile. "Yeah," he said. "I probably should do that. It was nice meeting you, Nasir."

Nasir returned the sentiment and Leo disappeared into the den, where I was sure he'd be playing a computer game or surfing the Internet - anything to get away from boring historical discussions. I smiled, remembering that once upon a time he would probably stay to watch Emmett or Nasir reading the phone book. But while he might appreciate the two good looking guys now, his main interest was elsewhere.

The three of us who remained in the living room continued our conversation long into the night, Emmett getting to know some things about Nasir he hadn't known previously either, while we shared with Nasir some of our life stories. The more we talked, the more I liked this man, and especially liked him for Emmett. It was very obvious that the two of them were well matched and well suited to each other. I experienced a slight pang of envy at the realization that, just like Rosalie and Maggie, and now Seth and Garrett, these two seemed absolutely perfect for each other. Emmett certainly deserved this after all the assholes he had to go through to get to this man, but while I was thrilled for him, I had a good amount of self-pity as well. I didn't let it show, however, and I certainly didn't let it spoil our evening. We parted late but happily, with promises to get together again soon.

"Wow," Troy said, having emerged from the den to say goodbye to our guests. "Nasir is so hot! He and Emmett look amazing together."

I laughed.

"Maybe the next time Emmett offers to try a little Leo sandwich, you'll be more tempted to take him up on it?"

Troy giggled. "It would be hard to turn that down," he admitted. "I suppose it would depend on what else was happening in my life at the time. With any luck I would have a very good reason not to be interested."

It was a good reminder for me that not everyone in my life was happily paired off, but it didn't make me feel any better. More than anything, I wanted Troy and Zack to find their way back to each other. That alone would refill the fountain of hope that had been running rather low.

For the most part, January crawled by uneventfully, with Troy and me spending most nights at the house by ourselves and, on occasion, with Diane. It was on one such otherwise average Monday that Leo received a call that instantly put him on edge.

"Leo, is everything all right?" I asked as soon as he hung up, looking very upset.

"That was Zack. He called to cancel dinner tomorrow. He said he and Drew are going through some stuff and he wouldn't be able to meet me."

"Going through some stuff? That's all he said?"

Troy nodded in confirmation. "He sounded... He sounded like he'd been crying, but he didn't want to talk. If that asshole did anything to hurt him..."

"Leo, don't get yourself all worked up," I cautioned. "There could be any number of reasons why Zack might cry. He didn't give you any hints?"

Troy shook his head, his lips pressed together into a thin, angry line.

"All right. There's nothing to do now, right? He clearly needs space so you're going to have to respect that. He'll tell you what's going on when he's ready."

For the rest of the night I tried to distract him, but Troy remained visibly upset. He nearly jumped in the air when his cell phone chirped a couple of hour later, announcing that he had a text.

"It's from Zack," he said as he scanned it. "He wants to know if he can call me," he was typing a response even as he relayed the message to me. Moments later the phone rang. He answered immediately.

"Zacky, what's wrong?" he asked, concern clear in his voice. "Oh, Zack!" he exclaimed a few moments later. "Do you want me to come over? I can stay with you or I can bring you back here. You're so upset. I think maybe you shouldn't be alone. I can bring Edward."

He glanced at me from beneath his bangs in silent question. I just nodded. I was ready to do whatever he and Zack needed.

"Okay. . . No, I know. . . You're not asking, and I'm coming anyway. . . Fine, I'll stay on the phone, and Edward will drive. We're on our way. Keep talking, I'm right here."

We were both already in the hallway, pulling on our shoes and jackets. I had no idea what was going on, but I could see this wasn't the time for questions. I only confirmed that we were going to Zack's apartment, receiving a curt nod in response, before we both got into my car and were on our way. It was impossible not to listen to Troy's side of the conversation, but it was equally impossible to make anything out of his sympathetic murmurs and occasional expletives, clearly aimed at Drew. The most logical explanation was that Zack and his boyfriend had gotten into a pretty serious fight, and Troy intended to get to Zack as quickly as possible to provide support and a shoulder to cry on. I was a little wary, since I had no idea what the fight had been about and there was a possibility that rushing in to help at this point could seriously backfire, but I could see that Troy wouldn't listen to reason, even if my concern turned out to be appropriate.

Even without encountering any serious traffic back-ups, it still took nearly an hour to reach Zack's place. When we got there, Troy was out of the car like a shot. I followed more slowly, wondering if it would be better for me to be there with them or not. I walked into the apartment through the door Troy had left open behind him to find the two boys standing in a close wordless embrace. Zack had obviously been crying, but now he was just silently seeking comfort in Troy's arms. I didn't want to stare, but I also didn't know where else to look or what to do.

"Do you guys want me to stick around, or should I leave you alone for a while? I can go hang out somewhere and come back."

The boys both looked over at me, as if surprised to see me there, and then exchanged a look between themselves before Troy turned back to face me. "You don't need to go, but maybe Zack and I will talk in the other room for a while? Okay? You can, um, watch TV or something?"

"Sure. Don't worry about me," I said, still clueless about what was going on. I headed into the living room and settled in on the sofa in front of the television while the boys disappeared into the bedroom, closing the doors behind them. I really hoped all they were going to do in there was talk. Even if Zack thought he needed more right now, he didn't seem in the best emotional state to be making those kinds of decisions. But they were both adults and had to figure things out for themselves. I couldn't interfere.

I turned on the TV, not so much to watch anything but for the ambient noise, which would give the boys that much more privacy, whatever they might need it for. It was frustrating to Know so little, but I just reminded myself that none of this was about me, and that I was just here for moral support and reinforcement, if needed. Eventually I got so bored that I lay down and closed my eyes. I must have dozed off, because the next thing I knew someone was shaking my shoulder, gently but with determination. I opened my eyes to see Troy sitting on the edge of the sofa next to me.

"Hey," I muttered quietly. "What's going on?"

"Zack's sleeping," Troy said. "Hopefully he'll be out for a while, because as upset as he was, he'll need it. And I need to talk to you."

"Okay," I said and pushed myself to a sitting position. Troy got up, allowing me to swing my legs to the floor and sit upright before he sat back down beside me. "So what happened?"

"Zack and Drew broke up."

I nodded. I had assumed as much, though it was nice to get a confirmation.

"Well, it was more like Drew broke up with Zack, but I think Zack knew that would happen when he told him his decision."

"And what's that?" I asked, curious. Then a thought occurred to me. "Are you sure it's okay for us to talk about this? I mean, if Zack told you in confidence..."

"No. I'm sure he wouldn't want us to broadcast what happened, you know? But he said it's okay to tell you. In fact, he wanted me to tell you, because he didn't think he would be able to tell you himself, and he may want to talk to you about it."

"Okay," I furrowed my brow, confused but intrigued too.

"So, I guess for the last couple of weeks Drew has been trying to get Zack to bottom for him."

I frowned. I already didn't like where this conversation was going. "And Zack didn't want to?"

"No," Troy shook his head. "I mean, Zacky's not one of those domineering, forceful guys, but he is a top. He's a great top! And I would know." If the topic at hand hadn't been so serious, it would have been hard not to smile at Troy's vehement defense of his ex. "And Drew knew it too, right from the start. But I guess after winter break he started talking more and more about equality or some such bullshit, and two weeks ago he finally outright explained what he wanted."

"So what happened?"

"Zack kept saying he wasn't interested and Drew kept pressuring him. He started asking about me, if Zack ever let me top him. Zack told him no, but Drew didn't believe him, so Zack told him that besides the fact that we weren't interested in switching, it wouldn't be as safe, because of my HIV. Well, I guess Zack hadn't told Drew about my HIV before, because Drew freaked out. He made Zack get tested, even though they always used protection and he'd just gotten tested a couple of months ago. And then, even though the test was negative, he told Zack that he was still too freaked out, so if Zack wanted to have sex with him, he'd have to bottom."

I narrowed my eyes. Drew was really starting to piss me off, and I hadn't even met him. Troy looked back up at me with sorrow filled eyes. "Oh, Leo, he didn't?"

"He did. And he hated it, because in addition to being a major asshole, Drew is a miserable top."

"So then what happened?"

"Drew told him that he wasn't going to take any chances with his life until enough time passed to do another test, so the only way they could stay together was if he topped. And then he said that he didn't want Zack to see me anymore. He said it was weird and suspicious that Zack was friends with an ex who cheated on him, and that he didn't want his boyfriend hanging out with a diseased deviant."

"What?" I raised my voice. Troy immediately shushed me, looking at the bedroom door. "I can't believe this," I lowered my voice. "What did Zack do?"

"Zack told him that he wouldn't bottom for him anymore and he wouldn't stop seeing me, because we were friends. So Drew broke up with him."

"Oh, Jesus!"

"I know! I want to find that asswipe and fucking kill him!" Troy was getting animated. I placed a finger across my lips, directing him to be quiet.

"So he chose you over Drew," I pointed out.

"Yeah," Troy said slowly, as if the thought just entered his mind. "Well," he tempered, "it's more like he refused to let Drew tell him who he could and could not see, but still, he did kind of choose me. And he did call me tonight, so that's something, right? He could have called Moose or Brett or one of his other friends, but he called me."

"That is something," I acknowledged. "It's a good sign, Leo. What happened tonight?"

"Nothing. We lay down in bed and I just held him. And then he told me everything again, more than he said over the phone. And then he asked if I thought he was a wimp for agreeing to bottom when he didn't want to, so I told him that of course I didn't. I told him I had half a mind to find Drew and rip his dick off, though, so he could never pressure anyone into bottoming for him again. He laughed at that, a little. I think it made him feel better."

"I'm sure it did."

"I told him that I was sorry our friendship caused him problems, and how much I appreciated that he was willing to risk his relationship to keep hanging out with me. And he said that our friendship meant a lot to him, that I meant a lot to him."

"Leo, you didn't..." I let my voice trail off, realizing I probably didn't want to know if he tried to push anything with Zack. It would have been a bad idea, but if he did try, I didn't need to panic him about it now.

"No, of course not. Actually, he tried to kiss me, but I stopped him."

"You did?" I was very surprised. I would have thought Troy would jump at the chance to get physical with Zack, especially if Zack initiated it. "Why?"

Troy shrugged. "He was upset. It just didn't feel right. I told him that if he still wanted to tomorrow, I would love to kiss him or do anything else he wanted to, but that it was a better idea to wait, because he might not feel the same way in the morning, when he wasn't so upset."

"That was good thinking, Leo. But what if he does change his mind?"

Troy took a deep breath, then let it out slowly before speaking.

"If he doesn't want to be with me when he's not upset, then I doubt anything we would have done tonight would have helped things. And I'd rather not kiss him at all than to kiss him and lose him again. That would hurt too much. Right now, I don't really know what's gonna happen. I mean, he still could still decide to go back to Drew."

"I really hope he won't, but it is a possibility," I acknowledged. "I'm really proud of you, Leo. You've really grown up a lot in the last few months. The way you handled yourself tonight was really mature," I put my hand on his shoulder and squeezed it briefly. "So what now?"

"Well, you have to work tomorrow, right? But Zack's sleeping, and I don't think we should wake him. So I don't know. I guess I could go back and sleep next to him, and then we can figure things out in the morning?"

"I'm awake, Leo," we both turned, startled to hear Zack's voice from the bedroom doorway. "I'm sorry to be such a pain. I think both of you have to work tomorrow, right? It's so late. I should have never let you come out here. You both need to go home."

"Zacky, I'm not leaving you here alone," Troy spoke as he got up and walked up to the other boy. I was watching them, wondering how much of my conversation with Troy Zack had overheard.

"I'll be okay. I don't have any classes tomorrow until the afternoon," Zack said, "so I can sleep in."

"If you don't have classes until the afternoon, why don't we all go back to my place tonight?" I suggested. "I have my NPS car that I'm driving to work, so you can borrow my car to get back to campus when you're ready. You know there's plenty of room at my house, and this way we won't have to worry about you being by yourself. What do you think?"

"That's a great idea, Gem," Troy shot me a grateful look. "Come on, Zack. Please say yes. I can't leave you here by yourself."

Zack vacillated.

"Please," Troy persisted.

"All right," Zack finally agreed. "Just let me pack a change of clothes and my toiletries. I'll be quick," he turned for the bedroom, then stopped and turned back. "And Edward? Thanks!"

Not much more than another hour later we were at my house. I offered Zack the kids' room, but he sheepishly turned to Troy and asked if he could sleep with him. Not surprisingly, Troy agreed without a moment's hesitation.

I got up first the following morning. Since the guest room door was left partially open, I snuck a peek at the boys. They were both fully clothed, but sleeping together as they did back when they were seeing each other, with Troy sprawled over Zack's chest. I sighed, and for Troy's sake hoped that this would turn out to be a good thing.

During the day Troy texted me and told me that Zack felt better in the morning and that he would come back to Covington after his classes were over to return my car, so I wasn't surprised to find the Volvo in the garage when I pulled in after work. Inside the house, the boys were working together to prepare dinner. I breathed a sigh of relief to see them so at ease and comfortable. After I changed, we ate the meal they prepared, all three of us avoiding the reason that brought Zack over. When we were done, however, a meaningful look passed between them, and then Troy offered to clean up, leaving me at the table with Zack.

"Um, Edward?" Zack asked tentatively. "I was wondering if maybe I could talk to you, privately, in the den?"

I glanced at Troy, slightly confused, but he busied himself with gathering up the dishes and avoided my gaze.

"Sure, Zack," I said. We walked back to the office together and sat on the small loveseat next to the bookcase after I closed the door behind us. "So, what's on your mind?" I asked, angling my body to face him.

"Leo said he told you what happened with Drew. That he, um, topped," Zack began. "I'd never done that before." I nodded, hoping it was enough to encourage him to keep going. "I guess I was wondering if you... have you ever... done that?"

I took a deep breath. Without knowing what he was thinking, it was difficult to figure out how to answer. I decided it would be best to be straightforward and honest.

"No, I haven't," I admitted. "But there was a time I seriously considered it, after I found out Cliff was versatile and that he wanted to top on occasion."

"Oh," Zack was clearly surprised by this revelation. "I didn't realize. Can I ask why you didn't do it?"

"Well," I sighed. "I refused initially because it just hadn't been something I'd ever been interested in. Once I realized how important it was to Cliff, I was willing to at least try. But by that time he changed his mind."

"So if you had gone through with it, it would have only been for him, not for you?"

"Not exactly. It would have been for me to the extent that I cared about him and wanted to give him what he needed. But it would not have been out of my own need or desire to bottom."

"And do you think that would have been OK?"

"Zack, are you asking me if it was okay for you to agree to bottom for Drew because it was important to him?"

He closed his eyes and turned away from me slightly, seemingly embarrassed.

"Yes, of course it was okay," I assured him. "I mean, it would have been okay for you to refuse, too. But there was absolutely nothing wrong with what you did."

"I wish I hadn't done it," he whispered. "I wish I had just told him no. I feel like I did something I didn't want to do, and for a wrong reason, and now I can't take it back. It makes me feel dirty. I hated it, Edward. It didn't feel good at all. And I let it go on. I didn't stop it. I just let him... and I didn't even really love him. I just went along with it because I owed him something, for not telling him about Leo's HIV from the start."

"Oh, Zack!" Feeling every ounce of his pain, I reached out and pulled him into my arms. "Listen, you have nothing to regret or feel bad about. Drew is an asshole for pushing you to do something you didn't want to do, but you were just exploring the other side of sex. And maybe Drew was not the right person to do that with, but we all make mistakes. It's nothing to agonize over. Sexual experimentation doesn't make you dirty. I can't think of anyone that doesn't have some sexual experiences in their past that they regret. So this may be yours. But you can't let it impact you like this, because then you make it more important than it was, right? Just chalk it up to experience. You thought you were a top but you tried bottoming and now you are sure that you should be topping. End of story."

I leaned back to look at him, trying to see if I was making him feel any better. It didn't really look like it.

"Truly, Zack, as mistakes go, this is a fairly minor one. You have nothing to worry about or feel ashamed of. How else were you ever going to learn that this really wasn't something you wanted to do?"

"I just," he paused. "It's not so much that I bottomed. It's who I did it with and why. If I had wanted it, or if it had been someone I cared about, like you and Cliff, it would have been different."

I sighed.

"Truthfully, Zack, and I speak from personal experience on this, you should be grateful that this kind of mistake happened with someone you didn't care about. The one time I made a really big mistake while having sex I was with the guy I cared about more than anyone in the world, and I lost him as a result. So really, if the consequence of this is you losing someone you're better off without anyway, I'm not even sure it counts as a mistake. Maybe you should look at it more as a blessing in disguise?"

"Yeah, I guess you're right," he conceded. "I just wish I had broken up with him before we did it, instead of letting him break up with me after. I worry that Leo will think less of me because of this."

Only the gravity of the situation kept me from smiling at the role reversal between the boys.

"Zack, I'm going to be completely honest with you," I said very seriously and paused for effect. I could see he was bracing himself for what I was about to say next, and I was glad, because hopefully it would carry more weight that way. "Leo has really changed a lot over the last few months. The therapy helped him mature and look at some things differently. He's accepted more things about himself and his life, and now that he has a job he enjoys and excels at, his confidence and self-esteem have improved as well," I paused once more to make sure he was listening and absorbing what I was trying to tell him. He nodded seriously to indicate that he was. "But Zack, he is still Leo, and I'm not sure a lifetime of therapy could ever make him think less of you. He might not idolize you as much as he did before, but there's no way he would hold something like this against you. Remember, once upon a time he did things he didn't want to do too, for reasons that were a lot worse than why you experimented with Drew. He, of all people, should understand that making a mistake does not make you any different as a person." Then, suddenly, I realized that as confident as I was in Troy, there was a chance my confidence was misplaced. "Did you speak to him about this? Did he say something that made you feel bad? Is that why you wanted to talk to me?"

"No," Zack shook his head vehemently. "He just noticed that I didn't really feel better, but I couldn't talk to him about this, so he suggested that maybe talking to you - you know, top to top - might help."

"That was good thinking on his part. But is it helping?"

Zack looked up at me and his face reflected the surprise of a sudden realization. "Yeah, Edward. It really is. Thank you!"

He leaned forward to hug me, then leaned back against the arm of the love seat.

"Can I tell you something that I've never told anyone? That you can't tell anyone? Not even Leo? Especially not Leo!"

I hated to keep things from Troy, but Zack really seemed to need a confidant, so I said yes.

"I think I agreed to bottom for Drew because I've thought about bottoming before. Fantasized about it. Back when I was with Leo, we would make love and the look he had on his face when I was inside him was so beautiful, you know? I loved being able to make him feel that good while feeling equally good myself. But then I had this dream where we switched and he was inside me, and it was amazing! After that dream I couldn't get it out of my head. I mean, I knew he would never... because of the HIV, and because he is a bottom anyway, but I kept thinking about it. So when Drew said he wanted to top, I was curious. Only I had always imagined my first time doing that would be with Leo, because that would have been special. But Leo and I weren't together, and even if we were he probably would never do that, so I let the temptation get the better of me and I did something against my better judgment. And it wasn't anything like I thought it would be," he let his head hang down.

"So now you know from experience that sometimes we all get tempted to do stuff that turns out not to be so good for us. But you should also know that just because Drew turned out to be a lousy top, doesn't mean you might not enjoy being on the bottom every once in a while. If you still think you might be interested in that, you should maybe talk to Seth or Brett or Emmett. Obviously having no experience in that department myself, I'm not the best person to speak to on the subject. Though I suppose we can talk about it as tops, what we do to make it good for the guys we're with. Do you want to tell me what exactly made it a bad experience for you?"

Zack and I talked for a while longer, without interruption. Finally, having given him as much advice and support as I was able, I suggested we rejoin Troy. We found him in the living room with the TV on, but the way he turned immediately when he heard us approaching made it clear that he wasn't paying any attention to the show. He stood up and walked over to us, clearly uncertain as to what to do.

"Are you feeling better?" he asked Zack tentatively.

"Yeah," Zack gave him a shy smile. "Talking to Edward was a good idea. Thanks for suggesting it, and for everything else, too. You've gone above and beyond."

"Well, that's what friends do, right?" Troy smiled back. "I'm sure you'd do the same for me."

"Of course," Zack agreed. "But it was still very nice of you to take all that time and let me stay here with you."

"It was nice for me too," Troy said quietly. I tensed a little, worried that maybe Troy was going to push this too far, but he said no more, so I relaxed again.

"Well," Zack said, "It's getting late. I should call Moose. I told him that it's over with Drew and that I was going to have dinner here after I dropped off Edward's car. He offered to pick me up so we can go out and talk before he takes me back home."

"Sure," if Troy was disappointed, he hid it well enough that even I couldn't notice. "Do you want something to drink while you wait?"

"A glass of water would be great," Zack said as he pulled out his phone and dialed Moose.

We all had some water and talked while waiting for Moose to arrive, then we watched the other two boys drive away before we closed the door and went back inside. Troy didn't even wait for my invitation to step into my hug.

"You're getting to be such a grown up," I told him as I held him. "I'm so, so proud of you, and your dads would be too if they were here. You're doing this exactly right."

"Thanks, Gem. I just hope now that Drew's out of the picture, maybe Zack will give me another chance, let me show him that I really have changed, that I'm really trying. I still love him so much. It kills me to see him hurting."

"I think you've been showing him how much you've changed all along, especially over the last two days. And talking to him, I can tell he still has strong feelings for you, but he might be a little skittish. So make yourself available, but don't push. Let him come to you."

"Okay," Troy pressed his face against my chest. "I can do that. I've been getting better at being patient."

"I noticed," I said with a smile. "And it paid off. He reached out to you first when he needed someone. So keep it up and you may just end up taking home the prize."

Over the following month, Zack and Troy started spending more and more time together. Troy was amazing, always careful to give Zack exactly what he asked for and stop there. He said at first Zack was pretty cautious, but as days and weeks went by he became less reserved, until finally, one evening, Troy called and told me that he'd be spending the night at Zack's. By then I had stopped being concerned and just smiled with relief. The boys held out a long time - far longer than I would have been able to do at their age or even my current age. The truth was Troy had changed, and he was trying hard to change even more. And his experience with Drew helped Zack mature as well. The one thing that hadn't changed was the way they felt about each other, as any outside observer could see. They had demonstrated enough reserve. It was high time for the two of them to get back together. So by mid-April Troy and I were both packing, he to move back in with Zack, and I to re-locate to my new long-term temporary post in Stehekin, Washington, the most isolated community in the continental United States and gateway to the Lake Chelan National Recreation Area and the North Cascades National Park.