Chapter 39

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Chapter 39: When Hope and Fear Collide

As I staked out the entrance to the ceremony room, vowing not to miss him the second time, I couldn't get his image out of my mind. First there were the eyes. The bright blue eyes that haunted my dreams the previous night, and were just as striking in person as I remembered, despite all the passing years. Unlike in my dreams, I only saw them for a second, so I couldn't be sure of his expression. The way he looked away from me so quickly didn't bode well, but it might have just been the shock of seeing me. It wasn't necessarily a bad sign.

Instead of dwelling on that, I made a conscious effort to remember as much of him as I could from the brief glimpse that I had. His build was still similar, though it looked like he had filled out more in his shoulders. His hair still fell around his face in blond waves, my fingers curling at the thought of running through them. His features were the same, only slightly more mature, more defined, and his whole face just seemed more serious, though I saw a hint of his smile in his profile as he turned away from me to look at Emmett. He was different, and yet the same. The way he'd fit into Emmett's embrace was the same as before, as was his easygoing stroll. I had to wonder, what were the other similarities, and differences? I knew I was merely scratching the surface. There was so much more to find out.

Minutes ticked by and still he did not return. I paced nervously, wondering what to say, how to begin the conversation. Would it be too forward to ask him to sit with me during the ceremony? Obviously that would not be an ideal time to talk, but it would be such a comfort just to know that he was there, by my side, within easy reach. I wouldn't even have to touch him. I would stay completely away. But just having him next to me would take away so much of this seemingly endless anxiety.

Remembering that I was supposed to be paying attention instead of daydreaming, I looked up towards the hallway again and there he was! He looked amazing, but his features were set in a resolute, unwelcoming expression, so reminiscent of the way he looked in Rochester, right before he sent me away. He paused for a moment, as if deciding whether to come in at all. I opened my mouth to tell him how good it was to see him, but just then a couple inserted themselves between us and proceeded inside. Before I could say or do anything, he nodded at me curtly and then walked in beside them, keeping them as a shield between us. He made his way quickly to the seating area and, finding a row in the back with a single seat open in the center, made his excuses to the already seated guests as he shuffled past them to the one seat where I could not follow. My heart sank. In six years nothing had changed. He was giving me the same cold shouldered rejection I encountered the last time. He didn't even want to exchange a greeting.

The plan had always been for me to sit up front for the ceremony, and though I was terrified to let him out of my sight, fearful that he would leave the room as soon as he was able, I couldn't worry Seth and Emmett by deviating from the set course. Resigned, and physically aching from yet another rejection, I walked to the seat Leah had saved for me beside her. She took one look at my face and reached for my hand, but didn't ask any questions. I gave her hand a squeeze, then let it go, not wanting to cling. I always knew this kind of a reaction from him was a possibility and I had tried to prepare for it, but in the end nothing could really prepare me for all my dreams being ground into fine powder with a single scathing look. I hung my head and slumped forward in my seat, but straightened when I heard the music change, a signal that the wedding party was about to enter. No matter how I felt inside, I would not let my personal drama impact my friends on the day of the wedding. It was time to put on the well-practiced happy Cullen facade.

I truly wanted to pay attention to the ceremony, but with all the turmoil inside my head it was all I could do to look pleased and attentive, while my thoughts churned without pause. I modeled my responses and reactions after those sitting around me, but if my life depended on it I would not have been able to repeat a word of the vows or of what Annabell said to the guests. All I could think about was him. Jasper hated me, he wanted nothing to do with me. I wasn't getting my friend back. There would be no opportunity to tell him about what happened when he left, the bad or the good. There would certainly not be any occasion to do as Maggie wanted and demand his apology. I wasn't even going to have a chance to properly apologize for what I did. All that time, all that waiting, all wasted, amounting to nothing. In just a few moments I'd been completely robbed of my life's goal and purpose. I kept a smile on my face, but inside I was spinning out of control.

Then the ceremony was over and we were all standing up as Seth and Garrett made their way to the back of the room together, followed by Emmett and Justin and the rest of their families, including me. Everyone else took up their places in the receiving line, but this was where my responsibilities ended. Since I wasn't a family member and had no role in the ceremony, I didn't have to stand there to greet all the other guests, and I'd never been as grateful for anything in my life.

I gave Garrett a congratulatory hug and kiss first. I knew he noticed something was wrong by the way he looked at me, but he left the questioning to his husband. Seth accepted my hug and kiss and returned both with an unusual amount of sweetness.

"Let me guess. It didn't go well? He managed to somehow get out of talking to you?" he spoke quietly so that only Garrett and Emmett, both of whom were standing next to him and paying close attention, could hear.

"That's it in a nutshell," I admitted.

"Well, remember what I told you earlier. He is emotional and he doesn't like confrontation, never has. I know you don't want to make him feel cornered, but you may have to bend that rule if you really want him to talk to you."

I shook my head. "I've done that to him too often in the past. I won't do it again now. It's hard, but I'll just have to deal with it. And I will. So put me out of your mind and enjoy your wedding day. And that goes for you two as well!" I said for Emmett and Garrett's benefit.

"Come here, Eddie," Emmett said, pulling me into a hug so tight I worried for my ribs. "He's still here and it's early yet. It's not over, so don't give up."

I nodded, hoping what I was really thinking stayed well hidden. It was early, but Seth was right. Jasper avoided confrontations whenever possible, and I would not force him to do anything against his will, even just talking or listening. Emmett let me go and I hugged everyone else before escaping into the mezzanine. I looked around, not knowing what to do next. It was too soon to go into the Garden room, knowing how many hours I would have to spend in there being miserable later during the reception. I looked with longing at the Groom's room, recognizing it would have made a great refuge, but refusing to go back to ask Seth for the key. Lacking alternatives and feeling the need of some sort of analgesic, I decided to go down to the Terrace. I wouldn't drink enough to get drunk, but I sure as hell needed something to dull my senses. I sat down at one of the marble-topped tables and, while I wasn't as fond of them as Garrett, ordered an Olympic martini. I could have gotten a beer, but this moment called for stronger stuff.

Despite my initial plans, I ended up sipping the martini slowly, because even more than the alcohol, I needed to take the time to try to wind down and relax. I knew well enough it would only be a temporary relief, that the tension would return just as soon as I went back upstairs, but I'd to take what I could get. It made sense to start getting used to that sentiment now, since it would be with me forever.

I don't know how much time passed with me just sitting alone, nursing my drink, lost in my thoughts. My phone vibrating in my pocket finally brought me out of my ruminations. I opened to see a text from Roger.

MORE PEOPLE THAN ANTS ON OUR MOUNTAIN TODAY. HOPE YOUR DAY IS GOING BETTER.

I smiled wryly. Herding park visitors would have been a welcome alternative to what I had to go through today, and what I was undoubtedly going to have to go through again during the reception. I flipped open the phone and pressed Roger's speed dial.

"So it's pretty busy up there today, huh?" I asked when he answered the call.

"Madhouse. How about over there? Seth officially taken yet, witnesses and all?"

"Witnesses and all," I confirmed.

"And how about you? Any news?"

"I saw him, but he isn't interested in talking." My response was met with silence. "I guess time doesn't really heal all wounds," I added.

"He actually told you he didn't want to talk?"

"He didn't tell me anything at all. He saw me waiting to talk to him and made sure I had no chance."

I heard Roger let out a big breath. "But that wasn't a rejection, just avoidance," he said.

"I suppose," I acknowledged. "It hardly makes a difference, though."

"It makes all the difference," Roger protested. "Come on, Edward. You played football, right? Quarterback? This was just the first down. You threw and you missed. Doesn't mean the game's over."

I laughed mildly, amused by Roger's use of a football analogy. Trust a straight guy to use sports to explain everything.

"You know I'm right, man," he continued, probably emboldened by my laughter. "This isn't just some pre-season scrimmage. This is the Superbowl. Think about how long you've waited to do this. Now that you're both there, don't tell me you're just gonna give up after one incompletion with plenty of time on the clock."

The more he talked, the more I realized that he was right. It was too early to give up. Hadn't Seth and Emmett just told me the same thing? No, it wasn't yet time to pack up the equipment and go home. I could and should try again. He couldn't hate me or want to avoid me any more than he already did. The worst that could happen is I'd get rejected again. I had nothing to lose.

"Roger, you're absolutely right. I am not just gonna give up like this. I can't believe, after all these months of waiting, one missed opportunity and I just let this defeatist attitude take over."

"You can't do that, Edward. You've got to stay focused. Keep your eye on the prize."

"Damn right!" I was getting excited, because what a prize it was. Much too valuable to let one little obstacle get in the way. So he didn't immediately want to talk to me. Well, that was to be expected. But now he'd had some time to think about it, maybe he'd changed his mind. And here I was, by myself, away from the reception, crying into my martini. I was such an ass! I flagged down a waiter to charge the drink and tip to the room, then quickly made my way back upstairs. Most of the other guests were already inside, though the wedding party hadn't made it in yet. Annoyed by the milling groups of strangers, I looked around the room as inconspicuously as I could, trying to get a glimpse of Jasper. It was a frustrating exercise, with people moving from group to group as they ran into friends they hadn't greeted yet. I catalogued cluster after cluster, with no sign of the only man I really wanted to see. I clenched my fists and furrowed my brow. Where was he? Did he decide to leave after the ceremony? I cursed myself for running like a coward to the Terrace, where I couldn't keep track of him. Now I had no idea if he was even still in the building.

More frantic and no longer concerned with appearances, I scanned the room again. God, did I run out of time? Was it really over? My eyes shifted from person to person, looking for even a hint of his blond hair or the navy suit he'd been wearing. I didn't dare to breathe or blink as my gaze darted back and forth across the crowd, my nails digging into the palms of my hands. I didn't see him anywhere. He was gone.

I turned around, ready to sprint the hell out of there, to check with Seth and Emmett just in case he was talking with them. As I did I scanned the room one last time and then, finally, I saw him. He was in a far corner of the room, leaning casually against the wall, his eyes closed, lips curved up into a small but happy smile. I let out my breath in a huff and inhaled deeply in relief. I relaxed my hands, noting with surprise the angry red lines I'd etched into my palm. Only now was I actually able to feel the pain, not that it mattered in the slightest. The only thing I really cared about was that he hadn't left.

I forced myself to relax, took another deep breath, and started walking towards him, trying to remember what I'd planned to say. I stopped when I saw him open his eyes and reach into his pocket. He took out his phone and flipped it open, smiling again as he read the screen. He typed something, waited, and then started typing again. I sighed. I had no idea who he was texting, but by the expression on his face I figured it might take him a while. I didn't want to start off on the wrong foot by interrupting him, and I felt a bit foolish just standing in the middle of the room by myself, so I decided to get a drink. At least with a glass in hand I'd be able to take a sip from time to time as I waited, and not look like a complete moron.

I walked to the closest bar and ordered a jack. The bartender tried to flirt, but I paid no attention. I just wanted the drink so that I could get back to watching Jasper, waiting for an opportune time to approach him. I dropped a generous tip into his glass and grabbed my tumbler, turning to walk away. I didn't even have a chance to take a single step. Jasper was right behind me.

I was startled and, once again, breathless. He was right there, less than a foot away. I had to stop myself from reaching out to touch him, to make sure he was real. The glass in my hand forgotten, I drank in every detail of his appearance. He was so damn beautiful. My memory didn't do him justice. It couldn't, since I'd never seen him like this. He wasn't the boy I knew anymore. The mature way he carried himself now was all man. He stood tall, the suit he wore hanging on him as it would on a runway model. I noted that the cut was similar to mine. A small similarity, but nevertheless something we had in common that I didn't know about before. Our differences showed up in our choice of ties. Where I had chosen a more traditional solid black on black jacquard, his tie was an abstract of multiple blue hues. It not only brought out the blue of his eyes, but also showed a whimsical, yet bold and confident style.

"Hello, Edward," he greeted me in a cool, detached voice. His face lacked emotion, but his eyes bore into me, staring me down. He was using all his boldness and confidence to wear down mine. And it was working.

"Jasper, hi." I wanted to sound strong and warm, but none of that came across. Instead, my voice was tentative, full of uncertainty.

"It was a beautiful ceremony, wasn't it?" he asked without looking at me as he passed me on his way to the bar. I was confused. He was the one who started the conversation, and yet his signals could not have been any clearer. He didn't want to have anything to do with me.

"Yes. Yes it was. Seth was very excited when he found out you were coming," I paused, watching the silent flirtation between Jasper and the bartender, who seemed to already know what Jasper was drinking. "We were all excited," I added, wanting him to know just how much him being there meant to me. I watched him slip a bill into the tip glass before he turned around.

"It is nice to be back," he said with detachment. "I shouldn't have stayed away as long as I have. I let some unfortunate memories get in the way of my friendship with Seth and Emmett and I regret that."

No one who knew our history could have possibly missed the veiled reference to what happened between us. My heart clenched in pain as I realized that I and our whole relationship had just been relegated to a status of an unfortunate memory. I had no words, no idea how to respond. As it turned out, however, no response was necessary.

"You look well, Edward," he continued without pause. "Have you kept in touch with any of your high school friends? How are they doing?"

What the fuck? He wanted to know about our high school friends? For a moment I was confused, until the full weight of his words sank in and I realized he referred to my high school friends, not ours. Once again, through a handful of well-chosen words he managed to let me know that he'd dismissed me, erased me, moved on to a place where I might as well not have existed.

"I haven't really kept in touch with anyone from high school," I replied. I couldn't play his game, couldn't pretend that he hadn't been my best and only friend. I looked away, afraid that if I met his gaze, which I was sure would be ice cold, it might actually shatter my heart and soul.

"Yes, well, I too have lost touch with all of them," he said, sounding so very distant and remote. "But then I think sometimes you just have to move on and live your life as an adult, without reminders of an unfortunate youth. I'm sure you'd agree."

Reminders of an unfortunate youth. I mulled the phrase in my head. Unfortunate youth? It had certainly been that, for so many reasons. But Jesus, it was exactly that. Youth. Like Maggie said, we were both young and stupid. We both made mistakes, we were both less than honest with each other and, in my case, myself. And sure, as adults we did have to move on past the mistakes we'd made. But that didn't mean we had to throw away all of it, did it? We'd been so close as boys and had some great times. And we'd loved each other, damn it! Whatever else happened since then, and regardless of whether we could be honest about it with each other at the time, I knew there was a time when we both loved each other. Was he really able to just forget all that and move on, writing me out of his life completely? I sure as hell wasn't able to do that, and I could never agree that it was the right thing for him to do.

"I...," I began to protest, but he cut me off after the first word.

"You know, Edward, I just remembered that I have to call someone back home and it's getting late over there, so I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to cut this short. It was nice chatting with you." The way he spoke made it clear that the conversation was over. Even as I tried to protest, to tell him how badly I needed to talk to him, he merely nodded dismissively and walked past me, taking his phone out and pressing a button before moving the speaker to his ear.

He just walked away, leaving me there, drink in hand, as though I was some sort of door to door insurance salesman interrupting his day, and there was absolutely nothing I could do. Oh sure, I could have chased after him, the way I did in Rochester, but undoubtedly that would have met with similar results. It was all too clear that for him nothing had changed in all those years, except that he was willing to confront me now, however coldly. I knew instantly that he had done it deliberately to catch me off guard. This time he'd chosen the time and place and he'd prepared, all to his advantage. I understood the tactic, having frequently used it myself in the past. Fuck, he probably learned it from me all those years ago, and had circumstances been different, I would have been proud of him for such flawless execution. As it was, though, our role reversal was just painfully ironic.

"Edward, hey, are you all right?" I was so lost in thought the question caught me completely off guard. I looked around, eyes unfocused at first, until I finally fully roused myself and saw Brad and Stig standing beside me.

"Hi, guys," I said, still a little disoriented, not quite understanding why everyone else's lives continued while mine came to a grinding halt. "Did you have a good flight?" I uttered the first question that came to mind.

"Yeah, we did, but... Edward, you really don't look good, man. Do you need to sit down?"

"Yes, I think maybe I should," I agreed. "I'm sitting...," I looked around helplessly, not having a fucking clue where I was supposed to go.

"You're at the same table as us, we know. We found your place card," Stig took charge. "Come on, we'll walk you over there."

When Seth was preparing the seating arrangements, he originally wanted to put me at the table with the other family members, but I asked him not to. I was too worried about the spillover. If things went badly, I didn't want Jasper to so clearly see how close I was with Seth and Emmett, worried that it might, once again, cause a rift between them. I asked him, instead, to put me at the table with Brad and Stig, and laughed when he told me that since I wasn't bringing a date, he'd put Dane next to me for dinner, while the photographer was taking a break from his duties. I told him Dane was a good guy and it would be fun to talk to him at dinner, as long as he shared stories from the boudoir photo sessions he'd had with Seth and Garrett, individually and together, prior to the wedding, and a peek at the final album, which had been Seth's wedding gift to Garrett. Seth just swatted me on the shoulder painfully and told me Dane knew damn well the fate of his balls rested on those stories and pictures remaining private. I just rolled my eyes, considering I'd already seen as much of Seth and Garrett as I ever wanted to. I was so much more thankful now for knowing that Dane and Brad and Stig would be there at that table with me. People that I knew, but that didn't necessarily know what I was going through and might help distract me from what was happening or leave me alone, instead of constantly asking me how things went and how I was dealing with it.

Stig and Brad brought me to our assigned table and I sank into one of the four empty chairs, placing the drink on the table in front of me. Stig and Brad sat to my right. I still felt a little dazed, so I just sat motionless, staring at the glass.

"Why don't you drink some of this, Edward," Stig suggested, pushing the glass towards me. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

I wanted to laugh, because it seemed incredibly funny that he could hit the nail on the head with just one try. I had seen a ghost. Or rather, I'd seen the flesh and blood embodiment of an ethereal figure that had shadowed me for over six years, and the things he said and did in person were so much more haunting than I could ever imagine. I reached for the glass and took a swallow, the alcohol burning its way down into my stomach. I could easily have kept going, downing the contents and seeking another to chase the first, but I knew from past experience there were no answers at the bottom of the bottle. It was one thing for me to make an ass of myself in front of Garrett's family in his and Seth's penthouse. It was another to do this here, at their reception, in front of dozens and dozens of their friends and colleagues. This time I would have to bear the pain sober.

Stig looked like he was going to say something else, but just then the DJ began the wedding party introductions and everyone's attention shifted towards the doors. I was grateful for the distraction. I dutifully turned to look at the grand entrance, but I wasn't really seeing anything that went on in front of my eyes, lost in recollections of Jasper's icy demeanor and detached dismissal.

Dinner was served. I ate, answered questions, smiled at the guests sharing our table, and remembered none of it. My responses and actions were all automatic, just like that day on the Mountain where the autopilot took over the hike. Outwardly I knew I had calmed, but inside I was in turmoil. Remembering Roger's football analogy, I noted that this time I hadn't even had a chance to release the ball. I'd been blindsided and sacked and hit hard in the process. Every part of me hurt and I didn't know if I had another pass left in me.

Garrett and Seth came to our table as part of their room-wide tour. They thanked us all and spoke with everyone and they seemed happy and lighthearted, but when Seth caught my eye I immediately saw his concern. I shook my head to warn him off and, to his credit, he immediately realized that this wasn't the right time and place for an interrogation, though that didn't stop him from coming over to me and wrapping me in a tight hug.

"I'm sending Emmett and you'd better tell him everything," he whispered and then was off with his husband to the next table before I could dissuade him.

Sure enough, shortly thereafter Dane was back in photographer mode as Seth and Garrett got ready to cut the cake, and Emmett was heading directly for Dane's empty seat. It wasn't easy to suppress my groan. I really did not want to do this during the reception. Not with Seth, not with Emmett, not with anyone. I briefly wondered what Emmett would do if I got up and tried to leave. Would he follow? Would he pursue? If I broke into a run would he do the same and try to tackle me? Fuck! The football analogies were messing with my head. Not to mention that by the time I finished my musings, Emmett was already in the chair next to me, saying brief hellos to the rest of the guests at my table, whom he knew though various other social gatherings.

"What's going on, Eddie?" he asked me quietly when all the pleasantries were over.

"Look, they're cutting the cake," I said in an attempt to distract him.

"We'll watch the video," Emmett said, still quietly but curtly. "What happened?"

I sighed, knowing that I wouldn't be able to stonewall him forever.

"He came up to me and basically told me that he'd forgotten me and moved on."

"In so many words?" Emmett was incredulous.

"In not many more."

"Shit!" I wasn't sure of the emotion behind the quiet exclamation.

"It was always one of the possibilities, Em," I said with resignation.

"Oh, Eddie," Emmett put his arm around me and pulled me close. As always, he brought me much comfort, and I stayed in his arms far longer than was appropriate, considering he had a partner.

"Em, where's Nasir?" I asked, suddenly realizing that I hadn't yet seen said partner.

"Homeland Security," Emmett practically growled.

I nodded my understanding. "At least he's on the ground in the US," I tried to find the bright side, though I could see I wasn't successful. I could certainly sympathize. Today of all days I knew what it was like to be in the same city as the man you loved, but unable to be with him. Of course, in my case, there was little hope that the situation would change, but that wasn't Emmett's fault and it didn't make his plight any easier. So we just continued to hold each other in silent communion, until finally Emmett pulled away.

"He's sitting by himself over there," he said, tilting his head in the direction of Jasper's table. "I'm gonna go talk to him."

"Emmett!" I grabbed his hand in alarm. "You swore you wouldn't."

He put his other hand over mine, gently. "I said I wouldn't try to get him to talk to you. I didn't say I wouldn't talk to him at all."

My lungs deflated as I let out my breath. Of course. Jasper was Emmett's friend and they haven't seen each other in years. Emmett had every right to talk to him. And I knew I could trust him to keep his word.

"He's still here, Eddie. Don't give up," Emmett said to me as he hugged me closer, before letting me go and getting up. I watched him make his way across the room, stopping on the dance floor to talk to the other members of the wedding party and then at the bar to collect a couple of bottles of beer before finally walking up to Jasper and sitting down. I saw the smile that lit up Jasper's face when he realized who had joined him and my heart clenched again. Once, a long time ago, he used to smile that way at me. I remembered it all too well. When we were still in grade school, every morning I would come to his house on my way to school, and every morning he would be sitting on the front stairs, usually looking at the sidewalk or, occasionally, up at the sky. I'd walk up pretty close without being noticed, because he was always so lost in thought he was easy to sneak up on, and I'd say "Howdy, Pardner," in my imitation Texas drawl, meant to mimic his then still thick Texas accent. He never got offended. His reaction was always the same. He'd look at me and say "Edward!," with that big smile, like nothing could have pleased him more than seeing me did. And then he'd say, in his genuine drawl, "Never go to Texas, boy. Deep south they'd hear one note of your Yankee twang and they'd eat you alive!" It was a routine we didn't get tired of until we started junior high, when his house was no longer on my way to school. The first few days he came to walk over with me, I still tried to greet him with a "Howdy," but since it was impossible to surprise him, the rest of the routine fell flat. I never told him, but the reason I'd been so surly the first few weeks of seventh grade was precisely because I missed our daily greeting and that damn, warm smile.

I opened my eyes. Emmett and Jasper were still talking. Jasper seemed quite animated and happy as he was obviously relaying a story. Such a marked contrast to the way he acted earlier with me. He had been so unnaturally cold, it was almost unreal. Almost... something prickled in the back of my head. A distant memory that I couldn't quite bring out of deep storage. Something, obviously Jasper related, but what was it? I closed my eyes again and I was back in Forks, on the day he and I met. I saw him standing on the sidewalk in front of Sam and Paul, the two of them older, bigger, and damn intimidating with their scowling faces so close to his. And yet he didn't run, he didn't try to get out of their way. I saw it even from the distance, the determined set of his jaw. He was trying so hard not to look scared. It was useless, since guys like Sam and Paul didn't need to see fear, they could smell it. But that reaction, that firm stance against not just one but two predators, that had been amazing to see, and with a start I realized that's exactly what I saw tonight. I knew with an unshakable certainty that the thing I perceived as chill was really well hidden fear. Time may have gone by, but Jasper was still afraid of me. My mind flashed again and I saw another scared boy: Zack, the night he came to my house for the talk with Troy. He too was trying to be stoic then, as he explained that he couldn't give Troy another chance. It wasn't hatred or resentment that prompted that reaction, it was fear. Fear of getting hurt again. And as clearly as I remembered Zack's fear, I remembered Troy's dogged perseverance. He was rejected more than once, but he kept trying. It took him some time, and Moose's help, to even see and talk to Zack again, and then more time still to demonstrate that he'd changed. I stared into the glass in front of me and remembered everything. It might be a rocky path, but I had to at least get to a point where I could apologize. If Troy had the tenacity to stick it out, then so would I. It was third and long, but I did have another pass in me, damn it! In the Superbowl you go down fighting, or there's no point in showing up at all.

I glanced in Jasper's direction again and noticed that Justin was talking to Emmett. Then Emmett got up, said something to Jasper and walked away towards the grooms. This was it. This was my opportunity. The field was wide open. It was time to throw the fucking ball. I stood up and, like Emmett before me, got a couple of bottles of beer. Drinks in hand, I went to his table. Maybe third time was going to be the charm.

"Need a refill?" I asked, immediately cringing at the clumsy opener. He sat without moving for a few moments, then slowly turned to face me.

"Hello again, Edward," it was the cold detached voice again, but this time I knew what was hiding behind the mask of indifference. Could I really do this? Could I force him to interact with me knowing how much I scared him?

"Hi, Jasper," I said, deliberately trying not to sound too forceful or commanding. "Mind if I join you? I thought maybe we could talk?"

He said nothing, but gestured to one of the empty seats. I sat down beside him and placed his beer in front of him. He thanked me and took a drink. I followed his lead. Neither of us said anything. I was too terrified that any word from me might send him running.

"So," he finally started. "Long time, no see."

"Yes," I replied. We both drank again and once more let silence fill the void between us. I could feel his tension and wondered if he could feel mine as well. I wanted to say something, anything, but didn't know where to start.

"Well," he said suddenly, pushing himself away from the table, "It was nice seeing you again..."

"Wait! Please, don't go yet," I pleaded. He seemed unsure, but he remained in his chair. "I'm sorry, Jasper," I said thickly. "This is even more difficult than I thought it would be." He nodded his agreement, but remained silent, waiting for me to continue. This was it. This could be my last chance. For all the rehearsals, all the thinking I'd done about this very moment over the past few months, I was now struck dumb. Perfect timing! I knew I couldn't wait to remember the perfect speech. I just had to start talking and hope that what I said would be good enough.

"I guess I really wanted to apologize for showing up without warning six years ago," I began. "I should have realized that you wouldn't have been ready for that. I should have tried calling first, or writing. Of course, you'd ignored all those forms of communication already, so seeing you was the only way I could be sure you'd hear what I needed to tell you. But I realized too late how much that visit shook you up. I don't have a good excuse. I was just desperate. And stupid."

"OK."

I wasn't sure what his one word response meant. Was it an acceptance of my apology or just an acknowledgement of my statement? God, he wasn't making this easy. Not that I necessarily deserved easy, but fuck! I struggled with what to say next, worried that anything coming out of my mouth would be met with the same indifference. Maybe instead of telling him things he already knew, I should tell him something he didn't? But what? Where should I start? It took an absurdly long time for the answer to come to me. Begin at the beginning. Or, I supposed, the end, depending on the point of view. I took a deep breath and started talking.

"The day you left, I didn't know what to do or think. At first I was frantic. I thought maybe James had somehow gotten in and grabbed you. You didn't leave a note, didn't call, and wouldn’t take any of my calls... I finally went to Emmett and all he would tell me is that you left town to think and that he didn't know where you were. And I didn't understand, Jasper. You told me you wanted more too, and then you left without a word..."

I saw the sharp and somewhat surprised look he gave me as I spoke, and I knew this was something he hadn't considered at all. Then he closed his eyes and shook his head. I didn't know if I should stop or keep going. I could see him growing more uncomfortable, but I was in too deep to go back now.

"Time went by and you still wouldn't call me back or reply to e-mails. I had to find out from Emmett that you were gone for good when he came to pack up your stuff. That was..." I choked up. Could I really make myself this vulnerable with him? But as Maggie reminded me, I knew what he felt after he left, but he'd never heard my side of it, and I had to be the one to tell him. "Oh fuck, I promised myself I'd be honest...," I paused again, realizing that I'd said the last thought out loud. But there was still nothing to do but continue. "That was devastating. To find out that you were running from me, and then to know that I terrified you so much that you actually left town permanently. I mean, you didn't even run that far from James. And you gave him face to face closure."

There, I'd put it out there, all the pain I felt when he abandoned me without a word or a second glance. I looked up at him slowly and found him staring back, his expression inscrutable. He looked at me for a long time, but I knew he wasn't seeing me. Then his face began to change before he pushed back his chair and folded down in it, lowering his head to between his knees. He was sick! Oh, God, on top of everything else I'd ever done to him, I'd made him physically ill. Helplessly, I watched his back move up and down with quick, shallow breaths.

"Jasper, are you OK? Do you need a doctor? Should I get help?"

He just groaned in response as my panic grew. I was just about to rise when I heard him say "I'm fine." Slowly he sat back up, leaning heavily against the edge of the table. "I'm fine. I just need a minute."

He didn't look fine. He looked like death warmed over. He crossed his arms on the table and put his head down between them. My own stomach turned at seeing what I was doing to him. For all the difference the time away from him made, I was still a selfish bastard, only caring about myself, insisting on having my say and completely disregarding what that might do to him. Jesus!

"Can I get you anything? Do you need some water?" I asked as I pulled my chair up and put my hand on his back. I retracted it immediately when I felt him flinch at my touch. I didn't know what to do, so I just sat and watched his breathing deepen and even out. Finally he sat back up and looked at me with so much distrust, it actually hurt.

"It was not my intention to make you sick or uncomfortable," I told him quietly. "I'm sorry for bringing up painful memories on what should have been a happy day for everyone. It was selfish. I should have taken the hint earlier and accepted that you didn't want to talk. I'm really sorry. Other than going away, is there anything I can do to make this right?"

Wordlessly, he shook his head in response. I cringed at the thought that I'd made him so uncomfortable he didn't even want to speak to me. Not wanting to subject him to my presence any further, I pushed my chair away from the table. His hand shot out to grab my wrist. I stared down at it. He was touching me. I felt his warm skin on mine and I wanted to shut everything out, to isolate this sensation and just revel in it. I craved this so much and it had been so long and I had feared I would never feel it again. I didn't dare move. I didn't dare breathe. He had restrained me to keep me from leaving. Could this mean that he actually wanted me to stay?

"No. Please stay," he spoke in confirmation of my silent question. "This isn't your fault," he added. I exhaled. I'd been granted a reprieve. For now, at least, there was a little more time. I relaxed slightly, only to panic again as he dropped my wrist and shook his head.

"I know I'm acting strangely," he spoke quietly. "I apologize. It's just that, until now I never considered how you felt when I left. I didn't realize how different things might have looked from your perspective."

I heard his words, but I wasn't sure if I could believe them. Was my mind playing tricks on me or was he actually apologizing? To me?

"You're absolutely right," he continued. "I should have said something, left you an explanation. I behaved like a complete thoughtless asshole. I'm sorry Edward. Regardless of how I felt, I hadn't intended for you to be left in the dark or to suffer the way you had. I never intended to treat you worse than I had James. I really regret that."

I forced myself to breathe deeply and evenly. Everything felt otherworldly, surreal. When I told him how I felt, I did it to give him information. I never expected an apology. Yet he was there, next to me, not just listening or even acknowledging and validating my feelings, but actually apologizing for what he did. I wanted to pinch myself to make sure I hadn't slipped into some sort of an altered state of consciousness. It was all too much, too heady. I was getting overwhelmed and dizzy even as I tried to calm myself. I had to concentrate on the breathing. In, two, three four. Out, two, three, four. In, two...

"Thank you," I said when I finally felt calm enough to speak. "Over the years I forced myself to believe that, because I really needed to believe it to get on with my life, but hearing confirmation from your lips? Well, it means more than I can say." As tongue tied and rattled as I was just by being close to him, it really did mean so much more than I could say. But there was no good way to explain that, so I just repeated, "Thank you. I know that couldn't have been easy, especially if you've never thought of it that way before."

"I really hadn't," he assured me, sounding a little shocked. "Leaving was an instinctive response. I needed to protect myself from pain. I didn't realize that in the process I'd be causing you pain. I wish I could explain to you what happened to me that night, what went through my head. I was terrified of what was happening. Some of the things you said and did just seemed so similar to what initially happened with James, and I was scared. I thought if I went away I could save myself and maybe even you. I considered leaving an explanation, but I didn't know how to say what I was feeling. I really am sorry for that, Edward."

He wasn't telling me anything I hadn't already heard from Emmett all those years ago, or anything I didn't understand after working at New Beginnings. If only I could go back in time and share some of this knowledge and understanding with the old me, back when it would have made a difference.

"I never thought about how what I did could be perceived as treating you worse than I had James," his voice was pained as he spoke. "For whatever it's worth, the face to face confrontation with James would never have happened if he hadn't shown up at the apartment. And I went further away when I left you... " he stopped. My heart beat furiously as I waited for him to finish. The seconds stretched, seemingly to infinity, and I began to worry that he would never complete his thought.

"Why?" I finally prompted gently. "Please, I need to know."

"I went further away when I left you because you had more power and influence over me. Because I had never been able to resist you. Because I was even more terrified than I had been with James that if I had any contact with you, the smallest contact, you'd convince me to come back. And when you came to see me in Rochester, you very nearly did just that."

My breath caught again. Was I really that close to achieving my dream in Rochester? Could I have avoided all these years of heartache and pain if I had stayed and kept trying? But if I had succeeded then, would we have worked, or would he forever see himself as giving into his weakness and me as the malevolent manipulator? My mind was spinning again. I had to stop thinking about the past, stop second-guessing. It didn't matter. We couldn't turn back time. I had to concentrate on the present, where there was at least the possibility of future with him in my life, regardless of capacity. I stared at the table and forced myself to think hard about my response. I needed to say the right thing. He had been very open and forthright with me, far more so than I would have expected. I needed to do the same. I took a deep breath. This was going to be a long speech.

"You don't have to explain, Jasper. I know how you felt that night and I know what I did to make you feel that way. Obviously you already know this after my unfortunate slip in Rochester, but when Emmett and I started talking, which was a while after you left, he told me exactly why you felt you had to leave. Once I knew, once I saw it from your perspective, I understood. It wasn't your fault, Jasper. After James, how could you have seen it any other way? I should have realized, but back then I was messed up as well..."

I paused, considering the understatement of what I'd just said. Messed up didn't even come close to describing my state of mind back then.

"Anyway, I was so grateful to Emmett for opening my eyes, for making me see what you saw. It finally made me see that I needed to change, and that I needed help to do so."

I paused again, suddenly realizing that I was reminding Jasper of an event that caused a year-long rift between him and Emmett. What the hell was I thinking? Jesus!

"I hope bringing this up again doesn't change things between you and Emmett again," I said quickly, trying to do as much damage control as possible. "I was so happy when you two reconnected. I hated that he had lost you too because of me, even for a while. And it's water under the bridge now anyway, right? But at the time, if he hadn't explained..."

I had to think about that for a moment. What if Emmett had never told me why Jasper left? If I knew that he knew and wasn't sharing it with me, and if I hadn't been able to explain to him what I'd been thinking that night, would we even be friends today, or would that night get between us as well? Knowing why Jasper left made me look at myself a different way, made me understand my mistakes better, made me volunteer with New Beginnings, made me a better person. But all that was a long and intricate story, and now was not the time to get mired down in details.

"It was a pretty dark time in my life, Jasper," I summarized. "He may have saved my life, and I think he knew it."

He sat up straight in his chair and looked at me with a wide-eyed, shocked expression.

"You stopped eating again when I left?"

I wasn't sure if that was a rhetorical question, and I nearly chuckled darkly. Not eating had probably been the least of my issues back then. But he didn't need to know any of that. Not yet, if ever.

"Yes, among other things," I replied honestly, but vaguely. His reaction was striking in its physicality. I watched as he ran his hands over his face and through his hair before weaving the fingers of the two together behind his neck and leaning forward on the table again, his whole body convulsing in a single tremor, as if a powerful electric current was using him as a conduit. I hated that the things I was telling him were causing him this much obvious discomfort. I watched him struggle to get his rapid breathing under control and I wondered if perhaps I should leave, if that might be the best thing for him, if not for me. But he had asked me to stay, so I would stay until he either left or told me to go.

In time his breathing evened out and he sat up again. I watched him carefully, unsure of which path our conversation would take.

"Again, Edward, I don't know how I can ever apologize enough. I'm glad Emmett was there for you. I'm so sorry I couldn't be. I never wanted to hurt you. I just didn't want to be hurt myself."

I hated hearing all the pain and guilt in his voice. I didn't want him to feel those things, knowing how horrible it was to live with the knowledge that something you did hurt someone else, someone you really cared about, especially when the pain was inflicted completely unintentionally. My worst fear was that if being around me now brought him nothing but pain, I would just lose him again. I hated that by merely sitting beside him and talking I could still cause him so much distress, when all I wanted to do was love him and make him happy. Was there nothing I could do to make him stop feeling this way? I had to try, even if it was hopeless. I had to tell him what I really wanted.

"Jas, I'm not looking for an apology," I assured him. "Really, I understand why you left, I do. I was just hoping for a chance to explain my side, and that maybe we could re-connect, like you did with Emmett? We were friends for so many years. I know I was a total shit for a lot of that time, but I always cared about you, you have to believe that."

Even as I was speaking I could clearly remember his request to Emmett the day he moved out of our apartment after coming out. "You can remind me if I'm ever fuckin' stupid enough to think he ever cared about me." Would he remember that too? Was it even possible for someone to forgive and forget as many awful things as I'd done over the course of our friendship? I had cared about him, deeply, the entire time, even as I was trying to convince myself otherwise, but I knew I covered it all up well, probably too well. I desperately needed him to believe me now, but there were all those years of hurtful words and actions between us. I felt a deep sorrow and ache inside me. No matter what happened between us now, I could never take those things back.

"I know you did," he said quietly, pulling me back into the present. "I haven't forgotten everything you've done for me."

For a while we were both silent again, lost in thoughts and memories.

"I'll never forget the day we met," he finally said. "I was a new kid, a nobody, and I made such an easy target. If you hadn't come along, Sam and Paul would have made hamburger out of me that day. I sure as hell wouldn't have been able to stop them. I was so scared that day, but too stupid to back down. You really saved my ass, and that wasn't the last time."

I chuckled a little, finding irony in how I had just been thinking about that very moment when I made my decision to try again.

"I didn't think that was stupid," I told him. "I thought you were incredibly brave."

"Sometimes being brave and stupid go hand in hand." he said sadly, and the truth of the statement sobered me up, especially when I realized the converse was also often true. Sometimes doing what some might perceive as cowardly was the smartest thing to do, like running away from a jealous, possessive, controlling man before things could get out of hand.

"Jas, I know you left because you were scared that I would turn out like James. And I am so, so sorry for the things I did that made you think that. So much of it was because I was just stupid and had no idea what to do or how to properly express myself and what I was feeling. But you couldn't have known that and I don't blame you for thinking what you thought or doing what you did," it was time for complete and total honesty. I took a deep breath and continued. "I don't want to believe that I could have been capable of doing what James did, but I won't try to tell you that you were completely wrong. I understand why you thought there were similarities between us. I've had a lot of time to think about this, and I think the difference between me and James was that he just wanted someone to control, he got off on it. It wasn't like that for me. I mean, I was controlling and insensitive and possessive and hurtful, but that wasn't because I enjoyed those things. I just didn't know any other way to be. And that was totally separate from how I felt about you. You had always been the most important person in my life, and underneath the way I behaved, I really cared about you. I just didn't know how to tell you, or show you."

He looked at me and I saw his eyes glistening with tears.

"Oh, shit. Please, don't cry. I didn't mean to... Fuck!" I swore quietly, running my hand through my hair in frustration. "I should go. This isn't helping anything. I'm just hurting you more."

"No," he protested. "I mean yes, this is painful, but it's necessary. It's just that talking about it brings up so many things I buried deep inside and never thought I'd have to reconsider."

"I'm sorry, Jasper. I've been living with all this the entire time and it hasn't been easy, but I guess I have gotten used to it."

"Not me," he shook his head. "You have to understand, in the beginning, when I thought about it all the time, it paralyzed me. I couldn't move on. So I put it all out of my mind and for years I did everything I could to keep it out. As much as was possible, I avoided any and all reminders of you and what happened between us. I surrounded myself with people who made it their mission to help me forget. And for the most part it worked. Until I saw you earlier today, it had been years since I allowed myself to really think about any of the stuff that happened Freshman year, or before. I really thought that was the best thing for me. But I didn't realize how the whole thing impacted you. I guess based on how you'd behaved before, I just assumed, if anything, that you'd be angry at me for leaving. I thought you'd want to bring me back just to show that you could, not because I mattered. And I figured when I didn't come back you'd be furious, but then you'd just move on to someone else."

I stared at the table which might as well have been a mirror since, instead of the tablecloth, I saw myself, the way I looked six years ago in Jasper's eyes. He had no idea how deep my feelings for him were back then, never mind how deep they still were right now. He really believed I could just replace him with some stranger. Was that because...

"Is that what you did?" The question was out before I had a chance to consider how I'd feel about his answer.

He took a deep breath.

"Edward, um, I don't really know how to say this. No matter how I put it, it's going to come out the wrong way. Please humor me because this may be circuitous and know that it is not my intent to offend you."

He looked pained again. I wished there was something, anything I could do to take some of that pain and discomfort away.

"You can say anything to me, Jasper. You can be brutally honest. But you don't have to tell me anything, if you'd rather not."

"Right," he sighed. "That's partially it. What I need to tell you. See, when I started seeing James, he wanted to know about my past and I told him very nearly everything. And he used it all against me. Then, after I left Seattle, I told Emmett everything and..."

"And he shared it with me and you felt that was used against you too." I completed his thought.

"It wasn't just that he shared my most private and confidential information with someone else. It was that he shared it with you, knowing how I felt about you, knowing what lengths I went to..." He paused and shook his head. "It was the worst kind of betrayal from one of my most trusted friends. After that, I just didn't trust my judgment. I had been so wrong about people. . . So I stopped sharing personal information, except with my family and people who already knew everything about me anyway."

I remembered well how lonely and debilitating it was when I had no one to talk to, and how much it helped when I finally did open up. What a relief it was to share even some of what I was feeling and going through. Unlike me, Jasper had always been open with others. It killed me to know that I took that away from him. Of all the things I'd done to him, that was probably the worst. How could he ever forgive me?

"Jasper, I am so sorry. I was so desperate to see you and try to explain and apologize, I begged Emmett to give me the information. I thought if you knew he'd told me where you were, it would make me more trustworthy, not that it would make you lose your trust in him, and people in general, or in your own judgment."

"I figured you found a way to manipulate Emmett into giving you my information. I'd seen you do it so many times before. I knew you were the master. But I guess I thought as close as he and I were, Emmett, of all people, would have been able to resist you. And when that turned out to be wrong, well, I never wanted to be in that position again."

He'd assumed the absolute worst about me, but I couldn't blame him. He was right. If I really wanted his information, I could easily have taken as much time as I needed to accomplish my goal by charming if out of Emmett. And what I ended up doing wasn't too different. I'd basically used emotional blackmail to get Emmett to disclose Jasper's address in Rochester.

"And now here we are, over six years later, and I want to believe that you wouldn't have played this game of pretend for so long just so you could get close enough to hurt me, but a part of me isn't sure."

I nodded, though I was filled with despair. If he really believed I would masquerade as a gay man for six years in order to find him again to satisfy some vendetta, was there any hope? If six years hadn't been enough time for me to prove myself, what would be?

"I've changed, Jasper," I whispered. "After you left I went through a lot of stuff, some of it very painful, and I've changed. I'm not the guy you knew before you left, not anymore. I've worked really hard to leave him behind me. Probably even harder than you worked to leave him behind you," I chanced a glance in his direction and saw his surprised look, followed by a small smile at my joke attempt. I continued, feeling so much better for seeing that smile. "I know these are just words, but I don't have anything else. Nothing that would be completely believable, anyway. The only thing I can say is that no one is good enough to fool Seth Clearwater for six years."

"It would be quite a feat, I'll grant you," he agreed. "You're the only one I can think of who might have been able to do it."

It was the worst kind of a backhanded compliment. He made me sound like a psychopath. Was that really how he saw me? If so, it was no wonder he wanted to avoid any chance of running into me again for so long. We both got lost in our thoughts again, leading to another long and painful silence.

"So what happens now?" I finally asked, telling myself I would accept whatever he decided. I would not force my company on him any longer if he preferred to be alone.

"Well," he took a deep breath. "I don't feel comfortable talking about personal stuff, but I suppose we could talk about something else. Emmett mentioned you worked for the National Park Service? I never pictured you as a public servant."

I smiled. "It's not about the public service as much as it is about the parks and the Mountain. At some point after you left I realized that I really cared about the environment, and conservation, and that led me to spend a lot of time on Mount Rainier. And one day while there I met this park ranger..."

The story flowed easily, not just because I was talking about one of my greatest passions in life, but also because I was talking about it to him. And he was listening, with great interest. I watched him carefully, taking in all the details. He slowly relaxed as I spoke, eventually placing his elbows on the tabletop and nesting a fist made with one hand into his other open hand to create as a resting place for his chin. His eyes seem to grow larger and brighter with curiosity and fascination while I told him about the various projects I'd been involved in at the park. His lips, as soft, full and beautiful as ever, curved up into a gentle smile that grew from time to time when I talked about something he found more amusing, making that adorable dimple appear on the side of his face that I could see. There was one stubborn strand of his wavy blond hair that kept sneaking out from behind his ear and falling into his face, forcing Jasper to push it back in place with annoyance, and every time it was so hard not to reach over and do that for him. In fact, it was so damn hard to keep my hands off him in general. I wanted to feel the warmth of his skin again, like I had when he'd grabbed my wrist, and I would have even settled for keeping a hand on his back or shoulder, thought the shirt and the suit, just to have the tactile reminder that he was actually there, in person, not some dream or fantasy or figment of my imagination. I resisted the temptation to touch him, though, especially now that he finally seemed comfortable with me after he'd been so uneasy initially. The last thing I wanted to do was to make him nervous again or, worse, scare him away.

I kept talking and he kept listening in virtual silence, until I described a project that he was actually familiar with.

"We did a segment about that on our show," he recalled. "There were a couple of expert guests, and I think one was from the National Park Service. I didn't pay much attention," he admitted, almost apologetically. "I edit so many of those, the subjects tend to blur one into the other. And since so many of our segments are live, there's not much time to review tape. Oh, I work in television, editing," he explained. "I work on a daily morning show and then some news specials, but on occasion I'll edit other specials as well. I'm not the primary editor, just an assistant, but things have been going really well so far."

"You like your job, then?"

"Yeah. It's great. I never really thought I'd be able to do anything like this, growing up in Forks. But then I went with my dad on that interview in London and met Greg..." Jasper stopped speaking abruptly, as if he'd just caught himself spilling national secrets.

"You told me about him. He and his friends are the ones who came to visit you in New York City for New Year's Freshman year, right?" I knew the answer to my question, but I wanted to remind him that he wasn't revealing any new information, which was obviously his concern.

"Right," he said, sending me a look that was at once thankful and relieved. I smiled, hoping he would keep going. "Greg works for the BBC. Well, he works there now. Back then he was an intern. But anyway, it was talking to him that made me realize that I could pursue a career behind the scenes in the media. My father had some contacts who helped me get an internship at a station in New York City and they hired me full time after graduation. It all worked so smoothly, sometimes I still find it hard to believe."

"I'm glad to see you so happy. So what exactly does an assistant editor do?"

It was my turn to listen intently as he launched into his explanation. It was wonderful to see him so animated, so happy, especially having seen a hint of it earlier, from afar, when he was talking with Emmett. Thanks to Cliff, I found I could follow what he was telling me pretty easily, and I threw in some questions that I could see both surprised and impressed him. We got lost in our conversation. So much so, that the rest of the people and the entire room might as well have disappeared. It was just me and him together, and while it was clear we weren't the same boys who last sat together talking happily six years before, some part of that amazing feeling I always had when we were together like this returned. At least it did for me.

I was so lost in my little bubble of happiness that it didn't really register when Jasper looked around and sighed with relief at seeing something. I never wanted the night to end, and as far as I was concerned it never had to, but he obviously had a different idea.

"This has really been great, Edward," he said, turning towards me, "and I'm glad we had a chance to talk, but it's getting late. I think we'd better leave before the staff has to chase us out."

I looked around the room and noticed that the reception was definitely drawing to a close. In fact, we were the only two people still sitting at the tables. Everyone else was milling about saying their goodbyes or, in the case of the DJ and the hotel staff, packing up and cleaning. I saw Garrett, Seth, Emmett and Nasir, posing for a picture and I smiled, happy that Nasir had finally arrived. I was sure Emmett was eager to get his partner home and the grooms were equally eager to retire to their newlywed suite, but I wasn't ready for my time with Jasper to be over. We'd only started talking and getting to know each other again. It couldn't all come to an end so soon.

"Are you staying here? The hotel bar stays open pretty late," I asked, turning towards him, holding my breath to hear his response.

"No. I'm staying at the Sorrento, actually."

"Oh, well, I could give you a ride, or did you drive?" My windows of opportunity were closing fast.

"I walked, but I'm not exactly going back to the hotel. I'm actually meeting a friend for a drink. Tonight was the only time we could get together..." He offered the explanation with reluctance. Suddenly I felt completely deflated. He didn't want to keep talking. The story about a drink with a friend was just an excuse, and not a very convincing one. After all, he hadn't been to Seattle in six years, and he didn't have any close friends other than Seth and Emmett when he was living here. I was so disappointed that he was so eager to finish our conversation that he'd make up this flimsy lie to get away from me. Had I just imagined that things were going well between us or was it all one sided? Regardless, I couldn't just let him slip through my fingers again. I had to let him know how I felt.

"I guess I just feel like this wasn't enough time," I said, desperately. "Like we have so much more to talk about. I think it says something about us that we can have the kind of conversation we had tonight, even after all these years with no contact. I can see that you've changed, Jas. I've changed as well. I'd like to think we both changed for the better. I know we can't go back to the way things were before, but I do miss our friendship, all the time. I would really like to get to know you again. I'd really like for us to be friends again. Do you think that's possible? Do you think that might be something that interests you?"

He gave me a long, searching look. I could see he was really weighing his response carefully. I held my breath again and waited.

"Sure, Edward," he finally said and I breathed out. "When I get back to New York I'll get your contact information from Emmett and get in touch."

"Okay," I said, but inside I was screaming 'No!' He hadn't rejected my idea, exactly, but this wasn't what I wanted. He was clearly reluctant, and if we left everything up to him I could easily see us never being in touch again. I couldn't just let him leave like that. Then I remembered what Derek told me, and how he immediately asked Cliff out again when it looked like the two might part without exchanging contact information. Unlike him, I didn't have the luxury of time, but Jasper was staying overnight. I had to at least try.

"Maybe we could still do something while you're in town? Are you free tomorrow morning? We could get together for breakfast," I had no idea what time he was flying out, so I suggested the earliest meal possible. He looked at his watch and I could tell he was reluctant. I remembered he never had been a morning person. "Or maybe brunch?" I suggested.

"OK, sure," he finally agreed. I was so thrilled, it was hard to stand in place.

"I'm staying here tonight, but I can pick you up tomorrow at your hotel. There is a restaurant, Martin's, not too far from there. The guys and I go there from time to time. They do a good brunch. What time works best for you? And what room are you in?" I knew I was babbling, but I felt like a freshly opened bottle of champagne, everything just gushing out from the sudden release of pressure.

"The restaurant sounds fine, and I should be up and ready to go by 11:00. Maybe we could just meet in the lobby? If I'm late, you can have the desk call me, but I think I'll be fine."

I noticed that he avoided giving me his room number, but it didn't matter. The most important thing was I would be seeing him again tomorrow.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Edward," he continued as he stood and held out his hand. I stared at it, desperately wanting to touch him but worried that if I touched him the way I wanted it would be too forward and might scare him away. I decided a neutral handshake was better, and shook the same way I would with one of my lawyers.

"See you tomorrow, Jasper. I'm looking forward to it," I said. Then, deciding that was too formal, I added, "And thanks, for tonight. For talking to me. After what happened before dinner I was afraid. . . "

"You really didn't give me much choice, Edward," he pointed out and I froze. I had forced him to talk to me. No wonder all of my attempts to convince him I'd changed were so unsuccessful. Actions spoke louder than words, and I acted just like the controlling bastard he used to know. For a split I had a vision of me sitting in the Sorrento lobby, waiting, minutes ticking away until I finally decided to ask the desk to call him only to find out that he had checked out and was gone. I had no idea what to do, how to fix this.

"And I'm glad." he added, turning his lips up into a smile. "This was good. It was necessary. And I wouldn't have initiated it myself. Thank you. I'm... I'm looking forward to being friends again. But now I'd better go and say my goodbyes to the grooms."

Relief flooded through me. I nodded and watched him turn and walk over to our friends, who were sharing a celebratory champagne toast. My heart was beating again. He had only been joking. I wondered how long it would be before I would find a comment like that funny. Probably not for a long while, but at this point it didn't matter. He was comfortable enough with me to crack a joke. That was fantastic. I could feel a giant grin spreading over my face and suddenly I felt lighter than air. After such a horrible start earlier, the night turned out really well. He was looking forward to being friends again. That's what he said. And we would be friends again. We'd get to know each other again slowly and eventually he would see for himself that I was a different man. And then... I shook my head. I couldn't let my thoughts run away like that. I needed to concentrate on the reality. There would be time to dream later, as they became more achievable. For now there was brunch. One thing at a time.

I saw that Jasper had finished his goodbyes and left the room. Seth was berating Emmett about something, poking him in the midsection and then standing with his hands on his hips. I had a feeling they were talking about me and Jasper, which only made me grin wider. Emmett was the first to see my approach, and alerted Seth, who whirled to face me.

"Hey, guys," I gave them a little wave before Seth grabbed my arms.

"Edward, I am so sorry I have not had the time to sit down with you. And I am handicapped by being forced to rely on the dim," he pointedly looked over his shoulder at Emmett, "observations of others. Tell us everything!" He ordered and stepped back. I was still grinning. For a moment I wondered if I'd ever be able to stop.

"We had a long and productive talk," I told them, after taking a deep breath. "It was hard at first, but in the end I think we both got some long overdue closure to many old wounds. He said he is looking forward to being friends again and we're meeting for brunch tomorrow. It's a good start. It's more than I dared to hope for."

In a blink of an eye Emmett pulled me into his arms, with Seth squished between us. I closed my eyes, absolutely loving my friends and life, knowing that they were as happy for me as they could possibly be. I could have stayed in the embrace longer, were it not for Seth's sharp elbows.

"You two oxen are smothering me down here!" He exclaimed. I smiled and bent to give him a kiss on his cheek.

"Thank you, Seth," I said, staring into his all-seeing eyes. "I know this is your and Garrett's special day and it should be all about you two, but you just gave me the best gift ever." He didn't even have to say anything. From his expression I could tell that the day had gone just as he hoped it would, or how he knew it would.

"I'm gonna take off, guys," I said as I straightened up. I kissed Emmett on the cheek as he slapped my ass.

"Remember if you can't be good, be good at it," he said with a wink. I giggled and moved on to catch a quick hug from the other groom and Nasir, whom I gave an extra tight squeeze as a welcome home. I waved, still smiling, and left the room.

I was too keyed up to go right to sleep, so I went back down to the Terrace and had another martini, this one in celebration. Only then did I finally go up to my room, the permagrin still affixed to my face. I couldn't believe in less than 12 hours I would be seeing him again, sitting across from him, and sharing a meal. I was so thrilled I wanted to burst! I finally knew exactly how Troy had felt when Moose finally convinced Zack to meet with him again. This was a victory of the grandest kind.

I practically levitated to the bathroom, almost not recognizing myself in the mirror. I didn't know if I had ever seen myself this happy. If I had, too much time had passed for me to remember it. However slow, however painful, this was a start, and now I knew exactly what I had to do. It was all about patience and perseverance. Brunch would give us another opportunity to find out more about each other and, one way or another, I would make sure before he left I would have his contact information, so even when he was back in New York I'd be able to call or at least e-mail. I'd follow Bruce's advice and I'd do exactly what Troy did. I wouldn't push for anything, I'd just be there until he realized how much he meant to me and how much I still loved him.

The fact he had tried so hard to put me out of his mind while he was gone sounded horrible before, but the more I thought about it the more hopeful I got. Maybe by relegating me to the back of his mind he had actually done me a favor, because now those thoughts of me that he never really got over might come to the forefront again, and he might just remember that once, a long time ago, he'd loved me too. I held on to that thought and kept grinning as I shed my clothes, turned off the light and slipped into bed. I knew that eventually I would start to feel the emotional drain of the day, but that time had not yet come. Even as I closed my eyes, my high was nowhere near wearing off. My smile never leaving my face, I fell asleep imagining my brunch with Jasper.