Chapter 53

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Chapter 53: Trust I Seek and I Find in You

I looked at him, carefully examining his face and seeing that he was completely forthright. I gave his question very careful consideration. I thought back to the time Cliff had brought up this subject, telling me how much it would have mean to him for me to want to bottom for him. I remember how hurt he had been, and how convinced that I would have willingly bottomed for Jasper had he asked. He had been more right than he realized. I'd just volunteered to bottom for Jasper without him having to ask. Now he was asking me if there was any reason for us to change things, and I owed him the best answer I could give. I saw him looking at me expectantly but patiently, waiting for my answer. I took a deep breath, and tried to reply, but no sound fell from my lips.

"If it makes any difference, I have no particular interest in topping you tonight, so you won't hurt my feelings if you tell me you have no interest in bottoming," he said, as if sensing the reason for my reluctance. His inquisitive gaze was fixed on me and I felt like he could see right through me. I had nowhere to hide.

"Can I ask you a question?" I stalled. He looked at me carefully, as if contemplating something.

"Sure, but it's getting late. Maybe before we start talking we ought to put all this away and get into bed, huh?"

I nodded, my throat dry. I hadn't expected that my offer would turn the night so serious. If I had, I would have never said anything, but the fat was in the fire and it was too late for regrets. We separated and stood up, working together to cover the leftover food and turn off the fondue pot. While Jasper picked up the blanket and pillows in front of the fireplace and extinguished the flames, I threw on a robe and wheeled the food cart into the hallway, then called the front desk to let them know it was ready for them to pick up. Done with the call, I turned around and saw that Jasper had already slipped under the covers in bed, which suddenly looked much more intimidating than before. With no small amount of trepidation I approached and got in, wondering how I had managed to take us from a happy place where all we wanted was to be together yet again, to where we were now, gearing up for a serious discussion I really wasn't ready to have.

"I promise I won't bite unless you want me to," Jasper said, making me realize that I'd been standing and thinking in the middle of the room for too long. Annoyed with myself for letting my distress be so obvious, I walked to the bed and got in with Jasper.

"I'm sorry. It's just..."

"I know. This has gotten a little awkward," he acknowledged as I got comfortable, half laying and half reclining. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought up making love again. It's not like that's the only way we can express our feelings. It's just the most urgent right now, because of where we live and how little time we actually have together."

"You didn't do anything wrong, Jas. I'm the one who ruined it by bringing up my hare brained idea. I was just trying to come up with a way to give you what I thought you wanted."

"And I appreciate that, I do. It's just that, like I said, I'm not really interested in topping," he moved to drape himself over my chest, his hand absently caressing my pec and tweaking my nipple. "I'm so very happy with the way things are, I don't see any reason to change them."

"I'm really happy too," I insisted. "That suggestion was definitely not meant to imply that I wasn't."

"Oh, I know," he looked up at me so I could see his sincerity and conviction. "I know you were only trying to think outside the box. I'm just saying it's not necessary." We kissed, and then he rested his head against my chest again. I moved my hand over his back, scratching him lightly, making him purr and shift under my fingers like a cat. All the while, my mind kept spinning. I thought about Cliff, and his preference to bottom but the occasional desire to top, and also about Emmett and Seth, both of whom had topped their guys despite their preference to bottom. For the first time I wondered if there was something wrong with me for not having a desire to bottom, especially for Jasper. I wondered if he was just telling me that he didn't want to top for the same reason I had offered to bottom tonight - because he thought that was what I wanted to hear.

"Jas?" I asked softly.

"Yes?" his voice was equally soft.

"Can I ask you a personal question?"

He lifted his head to look at me with an arched brow. "You can ask me anything, but when you ask, it'll just be a question. Personal questions are things you ask people you don't know very well or aren't very close with. We're together now, and we need to be able to ask each other anything without walking on eggshells or prefacing. What do you want to know?"

"Why haven't you ever topped? I don't mean to be rude, it's just that pretty much every bottom I know has done that at least once."

Jasper sighed.

"Not that I'm saying you have to be like everyone else I know," I quickly added. "I'd just like to understand."

"I'm sorry if I seem annoyed. It's just I don't think tops get asked nearly as often why they don't bottom, and the double standard ticks me off."

"Oh," I paused, realizing that except for Cliff, no one had ever asked why I didn't bottom. Then again, until just then, I had never asked any bottom why he didn't top. It wasn't a subject I'd ever given much thought. "I didn't mean to offend you, and you know you don't have to answer."

"No, it's okay. I don't mind answering for you," he paused and inhaled deeply before resuming. "It's not really all that complicated. From the start I enjoyed bottoming, and the men I tend to be attracted to prefer to top, so I've never needed to do that," he shifted to lie on his back next to me, with my arm still wrapped around him and his still on my chest. "But on a more philosophical level, I sort of resent the idea that a man has to try both in order to be a real man, or to know what he really likes, or to be in a real relationship. I don't get that. You know what I mean?" he looked to me in confirmation and I nodded instinctively, even though I really wasn't all that sure what he meant. Fortunately, he explained.

"It especially pisses me off when it comes from straight men and some women, the whole idea that a gay man is somehow lesser or there's something wrong with him if he doesn't have the desire to stick his cock into a hole between someone else's legs. People think it must be an inferiority complex or lack of confidence or some other such bullshit. They just can't accept that a guy might just prefer to have someone else stimulate his prostate to make him come. Topping is a big responsibility. I'm not scared to do it and I'm sure I'm capable. But since I don't need it, it would be something I would do for the other person, not for myself, and I haven't met anyone yet who made me want to take that on. Thankfully no one I've been with asked, so I never had to refuse."

He paused for a moment, and then looked over at me, chagrined. "But Edward, I meant what I said earlier. I wouldn't refuse you. If you wanted me to top, I would do it, for you. I'm not saying I'd be a great top, but I'd do my best."

I pulled him closer and kissed his temple, trying to ease his concerns. "I'm sure you'd be incredible," I murmured. "But since it's not anything that interests you, I'm glad you've never been asked and never had to make that choice between saying no and agreeing to do something you didn't want to do. I certainly won't ask you to make that choice tonight. If we ever decide to try that, it'll be out of a mutual desire or curiosity or whatever, not one sided."

"You've had to make that choice, haven't you?" he asked quietly. I tried to swallow convulsively, but my throat was suddenly bone dry.

"Yes, I did, once."

"Sounds like it was difficult," he commented.

"It was," I agreed. I could see the direction of the conversation and I really didn't want to go there, but it was out of my hands.

"Who asked you? Was it the guy who taught you how to be such a good top?"

My breath hitched as he nailed it on the first guess. I always knew he and I would have to talk about Cliff, but I hadn't expected the conversation to happen this soon. I planned to be honest about what happened with Cliff, but I was hoping for our relationship to be on slightly more solid ground before we discussed ex-lovers. I hoped it wasn't too soon and we weren't too fragile.

"Why do you think it was one person?" I queried, stalling for time.

"I guess that was just an assumption," he acknowledged. "But I know you don't learn how to do what you do from a series of tricks."

"I suppose that's true," I agreed. "And you're right. There was just one guy. His name was Cliff and he was the first guy I was even attracted to, after you. Like I told you before, it took a long time for me to come to terms with the fact that I was gay. I saw a therapist to help me and, oddly enough, that's where I met Cliff. In the waiting room. Both of our sessions were canceled so we went out for coffee and one thing led to another. I told him everything from the start and he didn't run screaming. He was, is, a very good man. He was incredibly patient with me, incredibly thoughtful, and he taught me a lot, probably most importantly, just how much I love you."

Jasper frowned.

"I don't understand. Why would he teach you how much you loved me?"

"Well, that wasn't exactly on his agenda. The thing was, he was so good to me, he really deserved all of my heart, but I didn't have it to give. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't love him the same way I love you. Even though I knew it was wrong, there was never a day I didn't think about you in some way. I tried to put you and everything that happened behind me, so that I could be the kind of partner he needed, wanted, and deserved, but I couldn't make what I felt for you go away. And I wasn't good enough at hiding it."

"Did he ask you to bottom for him as some sort of a test, to prove your love?" Jasper curled his lips in distaste as he spoke.

"It wasn't like that," I felt compelled to defend Cliff. "He said something one night when he was drunk and I forced the issue. I don't think he would have brought it up on his own. It wasn't so much that he wanted my ass. He wanted me to want to switch. He thought that would be a sign that I loved him more than you. I didn't really understand it at the time, but I suppose given what happened tonight, he was right. I mean, I was perfectly willing to bottom for you, without you even having to ask, because of how much I love you."

Jasper pondered this for a moment. "So did he leave when you wouldn't bottom for him?" he asked cautiously.

"We parted a couple months later, but it wasn't solely because of that. It came down to the fact that I couldn't let you go, and I made some stupid mistakes that made it too hard for him to keep ignoring it. He told me he didn't want to stay in a relationship where he had to keep worrying about you coming back and changing your mind. I honestly didn't believe that would ever happen, but looking at us now, I guess he was right."

Jasper looked at me thoughtfully.

"He's still part of your life," he stated knowingly, confidently. I felt a heavy weight settle over me. I couldn't lie, didn't even want to lie, but I was terrified that the truth would be too much for Jasper to handle.

"Cliff is a friend. We parted on good terms and he was too good to me when we were together, and afterwards, for me to cut him out of my life. Besides, that would have been too hard on Leo, Bruce and Tyrone. But Cliff's with someone else now. He has been for years. His partner is a good guy. I like him too. And they live in North Carolina. I haven't seen them in over three years. I hope that's not a problem, Jas. Really, there's nothing between us anymore except friendship. I would love for the two of you to meet and become friends, like I have with Derek..." I sounded like an overeager kid, trying to convince his parents to let him do something questionable, and Jasper looked as skeptical as anyone in the same situation would.

"Who are Leo, Bruce and Tyrone?" He asked, instead of commenting on Cliff. I paused for a moment, trying to figure out how to explain my relationship with the three men. I didn't see how I could possibly do it justice without sharing the whole story, from the beginning.

"Bruce and Tyrone are a gay couple, neighbors of Cliff's parents. Leo is their adopted son. I met them through Cliff and we all grew very close, and when Cliff left we made it a point not to let our break up impact our relationships with those three, which would have been impossible if things ended badly between us. I guess that's it in a nutshell. There's more to it, of course, but that's a much longer and more complicated story."

"We have all night," he said, and snuggled up to my side. "And it all sounds very intriguing."

I had a feeling he was trying to postpone having to make any decisions about Cliff, or maybe he just needed more information and reassurance that things between Cliff and me really were over. Either way, I could give him what he needed simply by telling him what happened, so after kissing him deeply and asking one last time if he was sure he wanted to hear it all, I launched into the story. I started the same way Cliff did, all those years ago, explaining about Cliff being the gay twin of a popular straight guy and about Bruce, Tyrone and Gio moving in down the street. I explained about the accident and Cliff's choice to isolate himself from everyone until we met, and how we helped each other heal.

"He was still close with Bruce and Tyrone, and eventually I met them when we visited his family. I was terrified they would hate me, but they were so welcoming. Especially Tyrone. He has really become a mentor to me, the kind my father should have been. He and Bruce had always treated Cliff like a son, and after we met they treated me the same way. They are just two men with really big hearts. That's why they started looking at adoption again, and eventually adopted Leo. His family had kicked him out and he hustled on the streets. He nearly died of an overdose and he picked up HIV. That's how the state found him. He wasn't even sixteen. Fortunately they brought him to the hospital Tyrone works at and he and Bruce were already a state approved foster family, so the state let them foster him at first, and then adopt him."

"Leo's really lucky. We see kids like him in New York all the time. Their families toss them out and they come to New York like it's Mecca, like they will just be welcomed with open arms and accepted by everyone. But there's no New York City gay homeless teen welcoming committee. There are some organizations to help, of course, shelters and such, but so many of these kids never get off the streets. It's so sad."

"Even after it happened to me with my father, I still can't understand how parents can just reject their kids for something so out of their control. And some are even worse than that. Leo's father, for example. Bruce and Tyrone actually had to bribe him to give up parental rights to a kid he threw out onto the streets. Can you imagine? The bastard! But they did it without blinking an eye."

I explained how Leo had a hard time adjusting at first, and how for some reason he and I hit it off. I told Jasper about Leo coming to visit Cliff and me in Seattle, his crush on Emmett, and Seth saving the day by introducing Leo to Zack.

"It was like us, Jas, love at first sight. They were so young and cute together. It wasn't easy for them, either. They didn't live in the same city, Zack's mom was super concerned about the HIV, and Leo battled some serious self-esteem and abandonment issues. He used to be terrified to get really close to anyone, afraid that everyone was going to leave him. That's another reason why it was important for me and Cliff to stay on good terms when he moved to North Carolina. Leo was afraid he'd have to choose between us or, worse, that because Bruce and Tyrone were so close with Cliff, he wouldn't even have a choice."

"That's really amazing, Edward. You obviously made a big impact on his life, for him to feel that way."

"He's like my little brother. Cliff's too. He looks to both of us for advice, but I think he relates more to me. We're more alike, I guess. Like me, he was terrified of losing Zack. And also like me, that fear caused him to do some really dumb things, until he pushed Zack too far. I tried to help, keep him from making the same mistakes I did, but by the time I got involved it was too late. For a while we all thought it was over for good. Fortunately, Leo let us help him, and he straightened himself out. Then he worked hard to regain Zack's trust and showed him that he had really changed. They became friends again, and then Leo was there for Zack when things got bad with Zack's new boyfriend."

"You're right," Jasper commented. "They do sound an awful lot like us. The abbreviated version, I guess. Was Zack's new boyfriend abusive?" he asked reluctantly.

"No. At least not physically. If he had been, Zack would have known where to turn for help. No, the guy was just a jerk. From the start I think Zack was just dating him on the rebound, trying to find someone as different from Leo as possible. He wasn't who Zack needed. Leo was who Zack needed, only the Leo with an improved self-esteem, who wasn't always questioning Zack's commitment. Now they're back together and going strong."

"I'm glad they're doing so well." He looked up at me with a smile. "Do you see them often?"

"Unfortunately, no. They moved to Berkeley so Zack could go to school there. I miss them. They're the little brothers I never had. But they're in town for the wedding, so you'll meet them when we get back to Seattle. You're going to love them, and Bruce and Tyrone too, and Cliff..." I stopped, realizing I had brought the conversation full circle.

"Will they all be at the wedding?" Jas asked with a slight frown.

"No, just Zack and Leo," I replied. "Bruce and Tyrone don't really know Emmett that well, and Cliff and Derek had work conflicts and couldn't fly in. But eventually we'll figure out a way for you to meet them all. They're all looking forward to it."

"Really, Edward? Are you sure? Cliff wants to meet me, the guy who was ultimately behind your break up?" he sounded dubious. "Even if he says he does, for your sake, are you sure you should put him through that? It's hardly fair."

"What do you mean?" I asked, both confused and feeling some pangs of guilt, remembering what Cliff had said about a part of him not wanting me with Jasper. "Cliff wants me to be happy. They all do. They know I haven't been able to be with anyone else, and I've told them all about you, what a great guy you are."

"Cliff probably does want you to be happy, in theory, but he may not want to see it," Jasper commented, and I heard traces of bitterness in his voice. "I feel for him," he continued. "I mean, he suffered a terrible loss when his soul mate died. Then he found you, this great guy, and he had you for a while. I'm sure I know how he felt, believing he was going to spend the rest of his life with you, thinking the two of you could make it work even though you'd both previously been with other men who you thought had been perfect or you. I bet he was devastated when he realized it would never work between the two of you. It kills you to end a relationship like that, even when you know it's for the best. It's heart wrenching to realize you'll never be good enough. You can come to terms with it, but socializing with your ex-lover and his perfect partner? That's asking a lot."

I felt a chill and an involuntary shiver flowed through my body. Jasper felt it and looked up, his expression inscrutable.

"You sound like you're speaking from personal experience," I said, extremely warily. He had listened to my explanation about Cliff, and seemed to be taking it well. I wasn't at all sure I would do as well if he had a similar story to tell me.

"I am," he said so softly I barely heard him.

"Do you want to tell me?" I asked, still unsure if I could handle hearing it.

"I don't know," he shook his head and tried to pull away from me, but I tightened my hold to keep him at my side.

"Don't," I pleaded. "You can tell me or not, I'll be fine whatever you decide, but please don't pull away. Not right now. Not when we're talking about stuff like this. I told you, being with you is the most important thing to me. If seeing Cliff will make you feel uncomfortable, then we won't see him. It's that simple," I didn't even feel an ounce of guilt for making the offer, knowing Cliff would understand. After all, it's what he did with me for Derek. "And you can tell me as much or as little about what happened in the years when we were apart as you want. The present is what really matters, not what happened in the past."

"I don't want to hide things from you, Edward," he said, looking up at me , his eyes pleading for understanding. "I just need to know that you'll be able to handle it, and that you'll understand what I'm telling you about is over. Has been for some time."

I swallowed hard. He was right to question me, just as I had been questioning myself. The idea of Jasper with another man was almost enough to make me ill, without hearing any of the details. I wasn't foolish enough to think that he'd been alone the entire time. In fact, I knew he had not been, judging from his insistence on the use of condoms. But vague recognition was one thing. Specific knowledge was something different altogether.

And yet, if I didn't hear him out, if I let this completely irrational and unreasonable possessiveness drive a wedge between us so that he always felt he had to hold things back and couldn't be completely honest with me, it could eventually become the thing that drove us apart. I would not let that happen.

"You can tell me anything, Jas," I said with determination and slightly forced confidence. "I can handle it."

He examined me and, satisfied with what he saw, began to speak. "I think way back when I told you about Rick, the guy I met in England, who, um, who took me to a dance club?" I nodded, instantly remembering what Jasper said happened in the club. I fought the instinct to curl my hands into fists as I imagined a good looking Brit with a sexy accent pulling Jasper somewhere so he could suck...

"He came to New York that winter, with my other friends," Jasper's continuation of the story interrupted my thoughts, which was probably a good thing. "His boyfriend, H., was supposed to come with them, but they broke up right before the holidays because H. refused to come out, yet again, so Rick came alone. It wasn't planned or anything, but with the two of us being the only ones there without anyone else, and it being New Year’s, well..." I was happy he chose to drift off instead of giving me the gory details. My imagination was working overtime anyway. All along I'd known about the kiss in Times Square, but this was so much more disturbing. Again, I had to force myself to keep my breathing even, so as not to give any hint of my increasing agitation.

"Anyway, Rick and his boyfriend kept getting back together and breaking up. I lost touch with everyone in England for a while, but after I moved to New York I started e-mailing with the guys again. Well, specifically with Greg and, to a lesser extent, Rick. By that time Rick's boyfriend announced his engagement to a woman, and Rick broke it off for good. So we were both alone, and neither one of us was ready for another relationship, and it was easy to e-mail and flirt a little. With so much distance between us, it was safe, you know? For a long time that was as much as I could handle, anyway. I had a hard time trusting my instincts when it came to guys in real life, so a harmless e-mail flirtation with someone I already knew was perfect. Then Greg suggested an internship at the BBC and I flew over there, and once Rick and I saw each other again..."

He broke off, wrapped his arm around my chest and hugged me tightly, pressing his cheek over my thrumming heart. "I'm sorry. I know this can't be easy to hear," he murmured. "It's ancient history to me now. I'm only telling you because you asked."

"I know, Jas," I whispered back. I did nothing to discourage or stop him as he leaned up and pressed his lips against mine. We kissed for a long time, both taking comfort from the unspoken reassurance of our love.

"I moved in with him and he asked me to stay in the UK,” Jasper continued when we finally broke apart. He now lay almost completely on top of me, his voice muted somewhere beneath my chin. "I considered it. I would have done it. I didn't feel the same way about him as I had about you, but I'd convinced myself that I needed something calmer, less volatile, easier. I thought he felt the same way. We were happy, or at least I believed we were. Then one night we ran into his married ex, and a few days later the ex asked Rick to meet him at a hotel..." my breath hitched as his ran out, the pause stretching between us as the horror of what he was saying struck home. My nostrils flared in fury at the faceless man who dared to betray my Jasper.

"He felt guilty enough to tell me immediately. I moved to Greg and Viktor's the next day. So yeah, I know what it feels to not be enough. Unlike you and Cliff, though, Rick and I haven't managed to stay friends. Greg mentions him on occasion, so I know that Rick chose to be with H., on a very part time basis, because H. is still married. I feel sorry for him, but I don't think I could ever hang out with him and that bastard, H. I could maybe attend the same event, if I had to for Greg's sake, but I'd keep a wide berth. And I certainly would never be able to be anything more than barely civil with H. So I have to wonder how easy it would really be for Cliff to be around me," he concluded.

"Okay," I replied, noting that despite my inner turmoil, my voice sounded remarkably calm. "I understand now why you might be skeptical, but this situation is very different. Unlike this H., you have no culpability for what happened between me and Cliff. I'm the only one responsible, and Cliff's already forgiven me. Plus leaving me led him to Derek, so it really turned out for the best. If you think about it," I said, finally finding a common silver lining to both stories, "it all turned out for the best for everyone, except maybe Rick, but then he made his bed."

"I suppose you're right," he admitted after considering my point for a moment. "In the end, we all got what we wanted, or some version thereof, in Rick's case. So if you're sure it won't be a problem I would love to someday meet Cliff and Derek, and of course Leo, Zack, Bruce and Tyrone too. And maybe someday we can go to England so you can meet Greg, Victor, Dré and Vince, and if we run into Rick while there, so be it."

He was still sprawled on top of me, so I could feel and hear him yawn and I followed suit.

"You know," he said drowsily, "even if I wanted to top you tonight, I doubt I'd be able to. I'm so damn tired. Everything is just catching up with me, I guess."

In the position we were in, I could just reach his forehead with my lips, so I went ahead and gave him a small kiss.

"We did have an early morning, and a lot of excitement today. We should get some rest. Let me just turn off the light," I started moving to reach the bedside lamp when I realized that he was already asleep. I felt an overwhelming sense of tenderness as I felt his breath ghost over my chest and felt his fingers curling convulsively against my side. I wrapped my arms around him to hold him to me as tightly as possible without waking him and closed my eyes, easily drifting off to sleep, blanketed by his body heat.

I woke up near dawn with Jasper still draped over me and the light still on. I would have liked to have stayed there with him, going back to sleep, but my full bladder disabused me of any such notion. Fortunately Jasper was deeply asleep, so I was able to carefully extricate myself from under him without disturbing his rest. He murmured in protest, but then adjusted his body on the mattress and began breathing evenly again. I went to the bathroom to relieve myself, and then turned off the light before finally getting back into bed. It would have been impossible to wiggle back under him, so I settled for lying on my stomach next to him, my arm thrown over his back, and fell asleep again.

The second time I opened my eyes that morning, Jasper was looking straight at me, his face arranged into a soft, caring smile that grew as he realized I was awake. We were both lying side by side on our stomachs, my arm still wrapped around his back and his folded and crossed beneath his head.

"Good morning," he said happily, shifting towards me to give me a kiss. "I'm sorry about last night. I think I fell asleep before we could do that."

"I gave you a kiss on the forehead. I'm pretty sure that counted," I said, pulling him towards me with one arm while shifting to lie on my side so I could free the other. "I didn't want to wake you, since you were obviously exhausted."

"Yeah, it came on very suddenly," he spoke as he snuggled into my chest. "One minute I was fine, and the next I couldn't keep my eyes open. I slept like a log, too. You must have woken up though, huh?"

"I had to go to the bathroom. No big deal. I fell right back asleep," I was astounded I could maintain a normal conversation with him all the while marveling at how good it felt to wake up next to him and gather him into my arms. "Are you hungry? I thought we'd order room service."

"After last night's gluttony I think I just want coffee and maybe some toast," he said with a half groan. "Oh," he brightened with an idea. "Think we could have that on the balcony?"

"Sure, that sounds perfect."

I rolled onto my back, keeping him close, and reached for the phone. He nuzzled at my neck and nibbled my ear, giggling when he heard me having a hard time keeping my composure while placing our order. When I hung up it was time for revenge, and this time he was gasping as I rolled the both of us over and proceeded to discover all the spots on his body that made him laugh and squirm. We played around for a few minutes, until Jasper laughingly announced that he absolutely had to use the toilet. We went to the bathroom together, and I turned on water for a quick shower while he relieved himself. We had finished washing and were drying off, with Jasper giving me quite a show as he turned away from me and bent over to dry off his feet, his full balls hanging heavily between his legs and his long, thick, semi-hard, mouthwatering cock visible beyond them. I was having no luck controlling my reaction to this tempting sight, which only created a problem when we heard a knock at the door. I scrambled for the robe I'd discarded on the floor by the bed the previous night, while Jasper stayed in the bathroom. Thankfully, the folds of the robe masked, if not fully disguised, my condition. I quickly signed for the breakfast and tip and took the tray from the server, closing the door firmly behind him. Jasper emerged from the bathroom as soon as the door was closed and ran to the sliding glass door that opened onto the balcony with gorgeous mountain views, pulling it open so I could bring the tray to the little bistro table.

"Do you think I need to put anything on?" he asked, obviously not fond of the idea of getting dressed. I looked around. The area of the balcony where we would be eating was fairly secluded. Someone hiking in the mountains with a good pair of binoculars could possibly see something, but the possibility was so remote it wasn't worth worrying about.

"Nah. In fact, I'll take this off too," I said, setting down the tray and shrugging out of my robe, "though I'll keep it out there with us just in case we need a quick cover."

"Good idea," he slid the door closed behind him and sat down in one of the chairs at the bistro table. I sat in the other and began to pour the coffee, and then added cream and sugar to his just like he liked it.

"Thanks," he said gratefully, taking the full cup from me and inhaling the aroma deeply before taking a swallow. "Mm, perfection. The coffee, the surroundings, and the company - it's all perfect!"

I smiled and drank some of my coffee as well. I sat back and looked around, trying to appreciate nature's beauty, but my eyes kept drifting back to him. The way he rested, completely relaxed in his chair, his hair still disheveled from sleep, he could easily have been an artist's model. Had I even an ounce of artistic ability, I would have tried to sketch him to capture this moment. I was tempted to run in and grab the camera, but I was afraid my movement might disturb the moment. It was better to just sit and commit every detail to memory, so I could recall it at will when we couldn't be together.

"Want me to butter some toast for you?" He eventually roused from his contemplations and turned towards the basket of assorted toasted and untoasted breads delivered by room service. "Or would you prefer jelly? Looks like we have a few flavors to choose from. Do you still like strawberry best?" He asked, rummaging through the smaller basket of preserves. "Oh, they have orange as well!"

"Plain butter is fine," I said, getting an inordinate amount of pleasure from the fact that he remembered the flavors of jelly I liked all those years ago. "And you don't have to..." I reached to butter the toast myself, but he grabbed my wrist to stop me.

"I want to. You prepared the coffee, I'll prepare the toast. It's a fair division of labor."

I watched him spread the soft butter carefully, making sure to cover every inch of the toast slice. I was surprised when he rose and walked over to my side of the table, then knelt before me and moved closer after nudging my legs apart.

"I thought I'd feed you too," he said suggestively, ripping off a piece of the toast and bringing it to my lips. "I hope you don't mind."

I shook my head mutely, obediently opening my mouth and taking the offered toast. His eyes were fixed on my face, locking my gaze to his, but his free hand roamed down my body over my chest and stomach to rest at the top of my thigh.

"Ready for more?" he asked when I was done chewing.

"Yeah," I breathed the reply, knowing he was asking about more than the bread. Still, he ripped off another bit and put it in my mouth again. This time his hand slid and rested lower, on my inner thigh, fingers brushing my scrotum.

"I can just bite off the next chunk, no need to move your hand," I suggested helpfully when I was done chewing and swallowing. His fingers lightly massaging my balls had set all my nerve endings on fire, shooting currents of excitement throughout my body. Mercifully, he followed my suggestion, lifting the toast to my lips so I could take a bite, his free hand never leaving my sac. Still keeping our eyes locked together, he moved his hand to fully cup my balls, maneuvering them and making my breath catch. I forgot about chewing, getting lost in the depths of his ice blue eyes and the static current that filled my ears with white noise and put my body in a state of eager anticipation. I waited as his tortuous fingers explored the entire surface of my scrotum until finally, finally his hand traveled up and he wrapped it around my erection.

"Another bite?" he asked, teasing, though his own voice was measurably thicker than before.

"Later," my voice was slightly hoarse, but I resisted the urge to clear my throat.

"Good answer," he commended, setting the bread back on the table and resting his now free hand on the inside of my other thigh as he dipped his head and wrapped his lips around my head, sucking me into his mouth until his lips met the hand he'd wrapped around the base of my shaft.

"Fuck!" I exclaimed, lifting my hips and arching my back a little.

"I know," he said, pulling off and looking back up at me with a wicked grin. "Delicious!"

He leaned forward and softly pressed his lips against the tip of my cock, then slid out his tongue and ran it along my slit.

"Your cock is so beautiful!" he spoke quietly, though loud enough for me to hear, stroking me firmly but at a relaxed pace, his eyes focused on his task. "When we were in high school, after I finally admitted to myself that I was gay, I tried so hard to avoid looking at it, knowing exactly what it would do to me," his voice took on a slightly dreamy quality as he reminisced, his hand never stopping its up and down motion. "But there were times when looking away would have looked too suspicious, like when we'd have a sleep over and you'd change for bed right in front of me. There were at least two times when I saw it clearly. It was so perfect, so tempting. I remember pressing my fist as hard as I could against my hard on, hoping the pain would make it go away, which it finally did, thank God. But those images were and still are burned into my mind. I can recall them on a moment's notice. I have recalled them many times when, against my better judgment, you invaded my dreams and fantasies."

He stopped stroking and looked at me earnestly. "I tried to convince everyone, including myself, that I was over you. But that was never the case, Edward. A part of me refused to let you go. And here, today, I'm so glad for that."

I opened my mouth to respond, but used it to take a quick breath instead as he went down on me again, this time moving his hand away so that only his thumb and forefinger encircled my base. I felt him relax his throat around me as he took me in deeper and then just held me there for as long as he could without needing air. When he pulled off, it was only enough to inhale deeply, before my head hit the very back of his throat again. The fingers of the hand that wasn't holding my cock moved down to my balls, his massage intensifying the sensations passing through me in electrifying waves.

I brought my hands to the back of his head, winding my fingers loosely in his hair. I didn't know which I wanted more: for things to stay as they were, with me completely sheathed in his mouth and throat, his tongue moving on me in exactly the right place, or to have him caressing the length of my pole as he bobbed up and down. I whimpered with indecision and frustration at not knowing what to beg him for. Then he began to hum, and my entire body became a vibrating tuning fork of pleasure, starting with my cock and spreading with a tingling wave to my furthermost extremities.

"Jas," I choked out, feeling him finally pull off to catch a breath. "Goddamn!" my voice was filled with awe.

"I'm glad it feels good," he smiled, his hand resuming the slow stroking as he spoke. "You have no idea what making you feel like this means to me."

I was about to tell him that, on the contrary, I had a very good idea, but he again took me into his mouth, making me lose my train of thought. This time he used his hand grip to push my foreskin up as he slipped his tongue inside it and ran it along the circumference of my head, starting from one side of the frenulum and nearly completing the circle before he was forced to stop on the other. Head thrown back and breathing uneven, I wound my fingers tightly in his hair now and pressed my fingertips into his skull with each microburst of pure ecstasy delivered directly to my most sensitive nerve endings.

"Jas, please," I moaned as his tongue frantically flicked against my frenulum, releasing the hormonal torrent within me that could only lead to one destination. "Oh, God, please," my voice had lowered to a whisper so I could concentrate on the slurping, sucking noises he made as he devoured my cock, all the while emitting a low level cross between a hum and a purr, corralling all my instincts towards that single, most basic, desperate need for release. I didn't really want it to end, but as he drew me back into his throat's deep, warm embrace, I knew my climax was near and inevitable.

"I'm close," I groaned, feeling the increasing tension everywhere, mounting and climbing while he began to bob again, his tongue massaging me as he sucked. He didn't stop to speak, just looked up and communicated with his eyes that I had no reason to hold back. There was something about the way he looked at me with raw need and hunger in his eyes that was beyond anything I'd seen before. It at once turned me on beyond reason and triggered my instinct to provide him what he needed, and since our desires happily coincided, that was precisely the trigger I needed to propel me over the edge. No longer able to passively lie back as he worked my cock, I began flexing my hips, feeling him relax and stay still as I began to fuck his mouth, a low moan indicating his complete approval of the role reversal. He had primed me thoroughly, so it didn't take long. After no more than a dozen thrusts I felt that moment when everything stills and any semblance of physical control is lost. Then I resumed pumping, an incoherent shout signaling my release an instant before I began filling his eager mouth with measure after measure of my cum, which he swallowed around me even as I continued to buck up, and later still, when I drooped back into the chair, slack-bodied with exhaustion and satisfaction.

He didn't let me go, leaning his scruffy face against my inner thigh and suckling me long after he had milked me of every drop, until my cock was nearly completely limp. It was only then that I had regained enough strength to reach under his arms and pull him up to me, devouring his lips and tasting myself while sweeping the inside of his mouth. Finally thinking rationally, I reached down in an attempt to grasp his erection, only to find him limp as well, and sticky with remnants of his cum. My eyes, which up to then had been nearly closed, snapped open in surprise. He didn't try to turn away, though his face was full of regret.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I tried to delay it, but that was just too hot. I barely touched myself..."

I didn't let him finish, silencing him with an all-consuming fiery kiss. The thought that serving me and giving me pleasure was too overwhelming for him to stave off his own orgasm was nearly enough to make me hard all over again. My only regret was that I didn't get to contribute to his release and that somehow, in the mindless throes of my own climax, I had completely missed his. I gathered up some of his remaining semen onto my finger and broke our kiss just long enough to lick it off, before bringing our lips back together. Though it was precious little, I didn't begrudge him when his tongue sought entrance into my mouth to sample his flavor. There wasn't anything that I wouldn't share with the incredible man I was so fortunate to hold in my arms again.

"The deck will have a rather unfortunate stain on it," he commented after our kiss ended and he was curled up in my lap, with my arms wrapped securely around him.

"I'm sure it won't be the first time the staff will have to clean up stains out here, but we could spill coffee on it if that would make you feel better," I offered. He only chuckled in response and tweaked my nipple teasingly, though not hard enough to really hurt.

I held him for a while longer, until it was time to get up and get ready to check out. Time pressed as we were, I simply couldn't resist and slipped to my knees before Jasper as soon as he stood up, taking his spent cock in my mouth to lick him clean. Even soft, he felt and tasted so damn good, I didn't want to let him go. I ran my tongue over every surface, not just his entire length but also slipping it all around his head under his foreskin and then, using my hand to pull the foreskin back off his head, making several more circuits to make sure he was ultra-clean and not a drop of his delicious juice was left behind. He gasped in surprise at first, but then put his hands on my shoulders and let me work, uninterrupted. When I looked up at him I saw that his eyes were closed and his face was painted with a beautiful, contented smile.

"Trying to conserve water, Edward?" he teased when I finally released him. "Making sure we won't need another shower?"

"That's just an added bonus," I said as I got up, licking my lips.

Back inside the room we went to the bathroom and washed ourselves off quickly anyway, then got dressed and packed up our belongings. When it came time to packing up the sketch, Jasper asked how I had managed to hide it from him during the first part of the trip, which led to me showing him the box along with the rest of its contents.

"You've kept these things all this time?" he asked in wonderment as he fingered his jeans and looked over the toiletries he'd left behind.

"They were all I had of you," I explained. "These and the pictures from when we were younger. I know I should have sent them back to you, but I just couldn't let them go. I hope you understand."

He nodded. "I probably would have held onto your things if I had any," he acknowledged. "I did hold onto the pictures, even though several people had encouraged me to destroy or erase them. The most I could ever do was stay away from you, Edward. I couldn't destroy any of the actual reminders." Then, most likely to break the suddenly gloomy mood, he added "I wonder if I can still fit into these. I haven't really changed sizes since college..."

I grasped him by the waist, as if to measure. "I'm sure they'll fit just fine, but you'll have to try them on at our next stop. Right now we really should get on the road."

The road back to Seattle took us through Winthrop and then back up into the North Cascade Mountains through Washington Pass, where we paused at the lookout and took the 1/4 mile loop hike to the scenic overlook at the highest point on the North Cascades Highway. Back on the road and driving down the western side of the mountains again, we passed through the Ross Lake Recreational Area, pausing at both the Ross and Diablo Lake overlooks to take in the fantastic scenery, including a magnificent glacier alley and the unique teal colored water of Ross Lake and jade colored water of Diablo Lake, which looked almost as if someone squeezed out so many tubes of gel toothpaste instead of water to fill up the canyon. It was easy to understand why Jasper was awed by these natural wonders, but even I, certainly not unused to the beauty of Washington, was left a little breathless at the sights.

A little further down we arrived at the other, far more accessible entrance to the North Cascades National Park. I made sure Jasper knew we didn't have to stop, but when he found out I'd never actually made it to this side of the park he insisted that we pause for a visit. I knew many of the full-time Rangers staffing the visitor center through the numerous phone calls and e-mails we'd exchanged while I was working in Stehekin, and it was great to finally put faces to their names and voices. I proudly introduced Jasper to everyone as my boyfriend, finding that I could never get enough of the rush of happiness I felt when doing that. Even though I'd never made any announcements about my sexual orientation, no one seemed the least surprised, which spoke volumes of the way information traveled within the small world of NPS Rangers. I was a little annoyed at this tacit confirmation that I'd been the subject of at least some gossip, but at least no one we met had any obviously negative reaction, which was good, as I didn't want Jasper to have to deal with any bigoted crap like I did when I first came out at work.

We didn't linger at the park, feeling the pressure now to head towards Seattle, knowing that we needed to be back by 11 the following morning at the latest to meet the rest of the guys for whatever plans Seth had cooked up. I was determined not to make this part of the trip too harried, thus building stress into what had so far been a mostly idyllic vacation. So we stopped for a late lunch at the Buffalo Run Restaurant in Marblemount, where Jasper tried the salmon burger and I the elk burger, and then continued through Skagit Valley to Fidalgo Island, where we drove up to the summit of Mount Erie to take in the views of Anacortes and Puget Sound before following the North Cascades Highway over the Deception Pass Bridge onto Whidbey Island. We continued our drive along the second longest island in the United States, taking in some of the historic towns along the way and observing nature-made sights such as the kettles, geological formations from the ice age. We paused for dinner in Langley and ate on the outdoor deck at Prima Bistro, with a beautiful view of the Sarasota Passage, opting for salads and a selection of seafood appetizers so we could nibble and share. As sunlight began to disappear, we debated whether to keep going or stop for the night. We easily could have pushed it, taken the ferry to the mainland and reached Seattle before bed time, but driving beyond that to Covington seemed inadvisable, given that we would just have to come back to Seattle the next morning.

"So either way, we'll be spending the night in a hotel?" Jasper confirmed.

"It's the only thing that makes sense. I wanted to take you back to see my home, but that would just add hours to all the driving we already did and we wouldn't be able to stay long enough to appreciate it. I think it makes more sense to go to Covington Sunday after the wedding. That will give us a whole day there to relax and unwind before I have to take you back to the airport Monday morning."

"Okay," he shrugged easily. "So the only question is which hotel. It doesn't really matter to me, but you've been driving all day, so maybe it makes sense to pull over now and get an early start tomorrow to make sure we're there at the appointed hour?"

I chewed my lip as I considered the options. "If we stop now, we can make sure we'll go to bed at a reasonable hour so that getting up tomorrow won't be an issue, and we can enjoy this scenery for one more night and morning before we're back in the city," I posited.

"Sold," Jasper said with a smile. "I spend all my time in a big city - another night of this would be ideal."

We asked our waiter for lodging recommendations and were directed to the Saratoga Inn, where our good luck continued when we found the Carriage House Suite, located in a private building just next to the main Inn building, was available for the night. The woman at the reception desk seemed surprised that the two of us wanted a single room, but remained professional while taking my credit card information, giving us the keys and explaining the breakfast policy. Knowing that our stay would be brief and wanting to minimize our work the following morning, Jasper and I only took our overnight bags into the Carriage House, though Jasper also insisted on bringing our Cowboy hats. We both giggled in amusement as we wore the hats while soaking in a two-person claw foot tub with views of the Cascade mountains, and kept them on even as we donned our robes and sat on our private terrace.

The chairs on the terrace were oversized and had separate foot rests, and while they weren't quite large enough to perfectly comfortably accommodate two grown men, Jasper and I opted to sit together anyway. He sat in front of me between my spread legs, one of which I hung over the arm rest to make him more room. With the drawn curtains in the room blocking most of the light, we were able to see the stars strewn across the sky, with the waters of the Saratoga Passage providing a soothing soundtrack.

"What a wonderful and relaxing few days we've had," Jasper murmured. His back was pressed against my chest and his head thrown back to rest on my shoulder. "I haven't felt this happy..." he paused in consideration, "ever. I've never been this happy," he concluded, turning his head towards me for a tender, lingering kiss.

"But I can," he added slyly after we pulled apart, "think of something that would make me even happier."

"Oh," I arched a brow curiously, knowing that I would do anything in my power to do what he needed. "What's that?"

"Well, I've got my hat on, which is good, but now I need something...correction, someone, to ride." His wink was hard to catch in the scant light, but I saw it.

"Oh, really?" I teased. "Wanna go for a ride, cowboy?"

"Yes, Sir, I do! And I have it in my mind to save a horse as well," he chuckled and reached behind him to stroke my hardening mast through my robe.

"I think that can be arranged," I replied, my voice husky.

"Let's not dally, then," he said as he stood up and held out his hand to pull me up into his embrace.