Chapter 57

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Chapter 57: This Bond Between Us Can't Be Broken

I escorted Nasir's sister into the dining room, with the rest of the Wedding party following. Although I still wished Jasper could have been there with us, I was glad that his absence created a place for Nasir's unexpected family guest. She was unfamiliar with many western wedding customs, including such routine things as being able to sit by her brother's side at dinner, instead of being relegated to the women's gathering. Seth's decision to serve both German and Arabic cuisine seemed as prescient as ever, providing Samira with a small measure of familiarity at this foreign event, even if the traditional goat meat in one of the dishes was, to my and Carson's relief, replaced with chicken.

We talked throughout dinner and I, along with the other three groomsmen, toasted the happy couple. The only time when things became uncomfortable was when Samira relayed what happened at her father's house after Nasir and Emmett fled the country. I was almost glad then that Jasper wasn't there to hear about how Samira's father had hit her, since the last thing he needed was reminders of domestic abuse. It was difficult enough for me to hear. Although I certainly heard enough similar stories from the people we helped at Rainbow Beginnings, hearing it from someone I knew, a sister of one of my good friends, had a much bigger impact. Fortunately, Samira's husband's reaction had been similar to all of ours, so that Nasir could at least be sure that his sister was safe with her husband, if not with her other male relatives. This was especially important given Samira's announcement that Nasir and Emmett would soon be uncles, news that put huge smiles on everyone's faces.

After dinner it was time for Emmett and Nasir's first dance, and then for them to dance with Emmett's mom and Nasir's sister. Maggie accompanied them on a harpsichord as the rest of us watched. Midway through the dance, there was a commotion at the Thompson table and Garrett and Seth ran over to talk to everyone. I took advantage of the distraction and walked out into the Grand Hall and then to the deserted library. I fished out my cell phone and, mentally crossing my fingers that I wasn't interrupting Jasper's sleep, sent him a quick text to let him know dinner was over and I was thinking about him. After pressing the send button I leaned against the wall and closed my eyes, knowing that he probably wouldn't answer, but determined to wait a little while anyway. I got lucky. A couple of minutes later my phone buzzed.

"Jas," I said quietly. "I hope I didn't wake you."

"No, you didn't. I was just about to take a shower and go to bed, but you caught me just in time. Seth sent me a picture of the ceremony. It looked gorgeous."

"You know Seth wouldn't let it be anything but," I chuckled.

"How was dinner?"

"Great. Nasir's sister showed up at the last minute and sat with us. Apparently her husband softened up a little when they found out she was pregnant, though he still wouldn't come to the wedding or speak with Nasir. Still, baby steps, literally and figuratively."

"That's such good news. Nasir mentioned when he was here how concerned he was for her and how he feared he might never speak with her again. And now he's going to be an uncle. Go figure. First Seth has a niece, now Emmett will be an uncle. I guess it'll be my turn next, though I hope not for a long while. Kimmie is still too young for dating, to hear Jerry talk, much less babies."

I laughed, but my throat was tight too. This was a perfect opportunity to tell him that I, too, was an uncle, but there was no way to explain that in the few minutes we had to talk, and the last thing I wanted was to drop news like that on him without an adequate explanation. I decided to just ignore the issue and ask him for an update instead.

"Anything new on your end? How is everyone doing?"

"Dimi's in a regular room now and I finally had a chance to speak with him today. He's in a lot of pain, but in good spirits, considering. They're going to keep him in the hospital for a couple more days, just to make sure there are no complications. Ross is still a worried mess, but we convinced him to come home tonight, for a few hours, at least."

"What about you, Jas? Are you all right?"

"I'm fine. A little tired, but I'll catch up on sleep tonight and try to take it easy tomorrow. I wish I didn't have to go back to work Monday, but I can't take more time off after last week. It'll be all right, though. Ross will be with Dimi during the day and I'll see him in the evenings, hopefully." He didn't sound certain and I remembered the long hours he sometimes put in at work.

"Just please take care of yourself, Jasper. The hospital is an easy place to pick up God knows what, especially if you're tired and run down and your immune system is weakened."

Jasper sighed. "You sound like my mother, Edward. She told me the same thing earlier, almost verbatim. But I know you're both right."

I didn't want to let him go, but I also didn't want to keep him from getting the rest he needed, and I needed to get back to the reception.

"I should set a good example and let you go to sleep," I said quietly, "even though I wish we didn't have to hang up."

"Yeah, I wish we could do one of our long calls too, but I know you have things you need to do there tonight. Go attend your groom and give everyone a hug for me, okay? And then tell one of the guys to give you a hug from me. Maybe Garrett, since he's not one of the Grooms tonight and is closest to me in build. Tell him to make it a long one."

I couldn't keep the smile off my face at his suggestion. "I will do that, Jasper. And you do the same with one of your friends tomorrow. Someone who's got a lifelong partner, though. Don't want you to give any single guys ideas. I know how wonderful it feels to hold you."

"I'll do that, Edward. And I'll wish it was you the entire time."

"Me too, love," I sighed. It was always so hard to let him go. "Sweet dreams, Jasper. Love you so much."

"I love you too, Edward. If they're sweet they will be of you. Enjoy the rest of the reception. We'll talk tomorrow?"

"Definitely," I promised. "Good night."

"Night."

I stood for a moment in the dark even after the connection was dead, just thinking about him and imagining what it would have been like if he had been here for the wedding. Then, with another long sigh, I pushed off the wall, pasted a smile on my face, and went back to the reception. Rather than returning to the head table, however, I headed for the kids' table instead. I wanted to spend some time with my nephews, my little brothers and Cliff.

When I got there, the little ones were all fidgety, though the adults did their best to keep them entertained.

"It's been a long day of sitting for them," Molly shared sotto voce when I asked how it was going with the kids. "We're just waiting for cake, and then I'll take them upstairs where they can play and run around a little. They need to release some of this pent-up energy before they go to sleep."

I nodded. I'd babysat enough to know that was exactly what was needed. Fortunately, it wasn't long after I pulled a chair over and sat down next to Cliff that the DJ announced it was time for the grooms to cut the cake. We watched as Nasir and Emmett fed each other pieces of the first slice, and then the staff quickly and efficiently portioned out the confection, wisely serving the head table and the kids' table first. Ren, Liam and Stephanie all picked up forks, but the younger children automatically reached for the cake slices with their bare hands.

"Whoa!" I said, scooping Larissa off her seat and placing her on my lap. "How about I help you out with that, little miss, okay? We don't want that pretty dress covered with frosting, now do we?"

"Okay Uncle Edward. You feed me." As usual, Larissa was amiable. I saw that Troy, who held Owen in his lap, followed my lead, while Molly took charge of Connor's dessert. From the corner of my eye, I saw Cliff watching with an almost wistful smile as I fed Larissa a piece of cake.

"You're a natural," he said when our eyes met.

"Practice makes perfect. I've done this many times."

"I remember when we used to babysit together. I haven't done it since. We can't exactly have a lot of close friends in North Carolina and even though Derek's sister has a little boy, we hardly ever see them."

I didn't know what to say. I loved Ren, Larissa and Stephanie almost as much as I loved Liam and Owen, and having all the kids drifting in and out of my life at various parties and events definitely took away some of the sting of being alone. But if I had to, I would gladly give it all up for a chance to be with Jasper, which is what Cliff already had with Derek. Except at the moment it didn't seem like it was enough.

I was spared from having to say anything by a commotion around Connor, who was displeased with Molly's efforts to feed him and kept reaching his little hands and leaning his body out of the booster seat towards Owen. My younger nephew had cooperated reasonably well with Troy, but when he saw Connor trying to reach him, he too began to squirm.

"Come on, you guys," Molly pleaded. "Don't you want to finish your cake?"

"Kano wants me," Owen stated, reaching out and grabbing the smaller boy's hand. "I want Kano."

"I think they're done, Molly," I said, knowing Owen had a one track mind and it was no longer focused on dessert. "Why don't I take them upstairs and you can bring the other kids when they're done?"

"That would be great, Edward," she said, relief clear in her voice. "Are you sure you don't mind? You don't have any groomsmen duties to keep you down here?"

I glanced over at the head table, where the rest of the wedding party were having cake and talking. I wasn't aware of anything else I had to do, and if I was needed it would be easy for Seth to find me.

"I think it'll be fine. The rest of these guys will be done soon. Zack, Leo, you'll help Molly bring up the other kids, right?"

"Sure we will," Zack nodded and Troy smiled.

"Here, let me take Larissa," Molly stood up and moved to my chair. Roger's daughter lifted her arms and allowed herself to be handed over without a fuss.

"Do you need a hand, Edward?" Cliff asked. "I could carry one of the boys."

"I'd love some company, sure, but I don't think either of these guys wants to be carried." I stood to pull Connor out of his seat and he began wiggling in my arms before I even had a chance to put him down. Troy just laughed and let Owen slip from his lap onto the floor, where my nephew promptly grabbed Connor's hand.

"Okay, Owen, we're gonna go upstairs. Do you remember where that is?" I asked him. He looked at me with a frown. Owen didn't like admitting that he didn't know something, but he also didn't want to be wrong, and I could almost see him calculating the odds that he could lead us in the right direction without actually knowing where he was going. In the end, he must have decided the risk of making a mistake was too big, because he solemnly shook his head. "We have to go through that door," I pointed. He nodded and set off at a pace that Connor was able to match with his little legs.

"He's so much like you," Cliff said quietly enough so only I could hear as we followed. "I assume you're-"

"A very devoted uncle," I supplied, not wanting to take any chances. "You assume correctly," I confirmed without actually having to acknowledge anything.

We reached the door to the Great Hall. Owen saw the stairs and headed right for them.

"He's a smart kid," I told Cliff under my breath. "He picks up on stuff so quickly. He's always trying to keep up with Liam. And now he finally found someone who looks up to him."

Tired after a long day, the boys were struggling to make their way up the stairs by themselves, so I stepped up to Owen and asked if he'd like some help.

"Okay," he agreed and took my hand. "Kano is small," he pronounced, as if that explained the difficulty. Cliff joined us on the other side and reached down for Connor's hand. Carson's son looked to Owen. Seeing that his older counterpart accepted my hand, he allowed Cliff to take his. The four of us walked up the wide staircase one step at a time until we reached the second floor.

"There's a room up here set aside for the kids," I explained to Cliff. "This way, Owen," I pointed with my free hand and let him go. "Right though that open door."

Cliff and I let Connor and Owen toddle ahead of us, exchanging warm smiles. Without even thinking about it I reached to put my arm around his waist and pulled him into my side.

"I'm so glad you're here, Cliff. It's so good to see you," I reiterated the thought that had been running through my head all day, not caring if I was repeating myself.

"It's nice to be back in Seattle," Cliff agreed. "And really good to see you."

We walked into the kids room and saw that Owen had already found the bag of toys my sisters brought for him and Liam. He'd pulled out the Lincoln logs and was trying to teach Connor how to build a cabin. He didn't seem perturbed in the slightest, though, when Connor was more interested in knocking the logs down than building them up.

Cliff and I walked over to a chaise and sat down side by side along its length.

"So tell me about your trip with Jasper. What happened before he had to leave?" he asked after we had been sitting in silence for a few moments. I wanted to keep the focus on him, but I couldn't keep back a huge smile at the thought of Jasper and our trip.

"We had a great time, Cliff. It was perfect. I know it sounds hard to believe, but it was like he's been waiting for me all these years too. We started making out in the airport parking garage and almost got busted by a security officer."

Cliff shook his head. "That doesn't surprise me at all. It has been such a long time for both of you. I envy you the freedom to do that. I often feel like that with Derek, but when we're out in public we can't..." his voice trailed off and I resolved to make time to talk about whatever was bothering him. Before I could say another word, though, we were interrupted by the rest of the kids joining Owen and Connor.

"Thanks, guys," Molly said as Cliff and I stood. "These four were cooperative, so I left Zack and Leo downstairs. I can take it from here. Go back and enjoy yourselves. The DJ just put on the first song."

We could hear the music all the way upstairs, albeit faintly.

"Come on, Edward," Cliff said, trying to be upbeat, undoubtedly to shift attention away from himself. "Let's see if Seth managed to do what I couldn't and taught you how to dance."

"I still don't dance," I grumbled good naturedly, but allowed him to pull me out of the room and back downstairs. As we got closer to the reception, we recognized the music as Madonna's Give it To Me.

"Huh," Cliff mused.

"What?" I asked.

"Bad Romance? Where's Gaga?" Cliff wondered.

"Oh, I'm sure it's only a matter of minutes. Have you met Seth?"

"Well, it better be. Gaga and Madonna are both required playlist for a gay wedding reception," Cliff pronounced.

"Like I don't know that, Clifton," I rolled my eyes as we made our way to the dance floor. Madonna's song faded out and, as if summoned by Cliff, Lady Gaga faded in with Bad Romance. We heard Seth squeal with delight and watched as he, Simon and Wayne began to dance enthusiastically around the more staid Emmett, Nasir and Garrett. We saw Zack and Troy on another part of the dance floor with Emmett's boss' three kids, and elbowed each other at the rapt expression on the oldest girl's face. Dancing with two cute college-age boys must have been her dream come true, even if they were gay. Other guests were dancing as well, and it took some creative side-stepping to make our way to the grooms, but eventually we did. As soon as Emmett saw us, he swept both Cliff and me into an exuberant hug.

"I'm so sorry your guys aren't here today," he said, still holding us both. "I know first-hand how much it sucks to have to be separated from the man you love. But we are so happy you're here with us today. And I hope you're having a little fun, at least."

"A lot of fun," Cliff corrected. "I'm very glad I made it out to see you get married, Emmett. It's so good to see you this happy and in love. You two clearly belong together."

"Thanks, Cliff," Emmett said, slightly choked up at Cliff's sincerity. He pulled Cliff even closer and kissed the top of his head. "You too, Eddie," in his exuberance he kissed the top of mine too. I saw Cliff raise an eyebrow at Emmett's endearment and I mouthed that I would explain later.

We danced for a couple more songs or, rather, Cliff danced and I compromised on something between standing still and the quintessential white man shuffle. Had Jasper been there, I might have stayed out on the dance floor longer, but as it was I felt I had fulfilled my dance quota and made my way over to the bar. I debated whether to ignore Milan's sexual innuendo or pointedly decline his offer, and settled on a short explanation that I was spoken for, making sure he understood my refusal had nothing to do with him personally. It was flattering to see the disappointment in his eyes, but it wasn't nearly enough to tempt me. I got a beer for myself and a glass of wine for Cliff and made my way to the kids' table with no second thoughts or regrets.

I was soon joined by Zack and Cliff, who decided to take a breather. Troy came over a couple minutes later with a fresh beer, which he shared with his partner. We resumed our conversation from earlier until the boys finished their beer. Then they went back to dancing while Cliff and I continued talking. Cliff did his best to distract me with questions about Jasper, but eventually I shared as much as I was ready to and I turned the conversation back to him.

"I can see you're trying to avoid talking about it, but I know something is wrong, Cliff. What is it? Derek's new job?" I took an educated guess.

"It's not a job yet, just a remote possibility, but yes, I guess."

He fell silent and I waited, reluctant to push him too much.

"It's not like I didn't know what I was getting into when we started seeing each other," he finally said. "I knew he was in the closet. I knew he could never come out at work. I knew this was his professional ambition. I knew all the consequences of my decision to be with him. And I had plenty of other people point out the pitfalls to me as well, including you."

"But you've been telling us all along that you're fine with how things were, so what changed? Something must have happened to upset the balance."

"Nothing happened, at least not one big thing. It's just, with the possibility of this promotion and move, things have been different. Maybe I've just grown more sensitive? I don't know."

"How have things been different?" I probed.

"He's been busy. I'm used to him being gone practically all the time in winter and spring, but the fall is normally our time, and this year that hasn't been the case at all. There's been a lot of meet and greets and dinners, you know how it is."

"And of course you can't go to those with him," I stated the obvious conclusion. Cliff snorted with derision.

"I'm sure he hasn't even told anyone he has a roommate. He definitely could never invite the roommate to one of the events. We live in North Carolina and first impressions really count. There can't be even a hint that he is anything other than a full on heterosexual. He mentioned how conversation at these events often drifts to women, and how some people have taken note of the fact that he's single and doesn't have a steady girlfriend. Or any girlfriend."

"Oh, Cliff," I said miserably, fearing the worst. "He's not considering-"

"Finding a beard? No. Definitely not," he shook his head and I relaxed a little. "But with people talking, he can't afford to be seen with me anywhere. We can't even go to a restaurant for dinner, even if we're careful. He doesn't want anyone asking any questions or getting any ideas. He's just so paranoid. This is the hardest it's ever been, especially after all this time together," he hung his head. I put a supportive hand on his back.

"He says that if he gets the job things will go back to normal, and I think he believes it. But I don't know. First of all, normal wasn't all that great to begin with. And second, with him in Durham and me in Wilmington, we're never going to see each other."

"It is pretty far to commute," I conceded.

"It's a two and a half hour drive each way on a good day. It doesn't even make sense to live together in the middle - that alone would look suspicious. And if I move to Durham at the same time he does, and we get a place together, that is bound to raise eyebrows."

"I can see how it's a tough situation for both of you," I agreed. "I'm really sorry, Cliff."

"Yeah, we're all sorry," he said bitterly. He might have kept talking, but right then the DJ made an announcement.

"Ladies and gentlemen, time to spice things up a bit. Here's Khallouny by Mansour Zayed."

The music changed to one with a decidedly Arabic sound. Given Nasir's ethnicity, this didn't strike us as too unusual. We nearly resumed our conversation when the music stopped again, and this time we could hear Seth over the speakers.

"Sorry for the interruption, everyone. The Emirati groom needs all the men to join him on the dance floor, and bring your camel sticks. All the men, with your camel sticks please. Thank you."

Cliff and I looked at each other with surprise.

"Well, I guess that explains the reason for the wedding favors," he said dubiously. "Do you know what this is all about?"

"No clue, but I'd better go get my stick," I said, heading to my seat to retrieve it before walking back to join Cliff. Troy and Zack were back as well to get their camel sticks.

"Gem, what are we doing?" Troy asked.

"I have no idea," I told him.

I felt someone step up behind Cliff and me and put his arms around us both. I turned my head to see Roger, who very reasonably asked the same question as Troy.

"Sorry, Roger. No idea," I repeated.

"Everyone," we heard Nasir call as we made our way to the dance floor. "First, thank you so much for coming up to join me for what is a traditional dance in my homeland when a man gets married. Does everyone have your camel stick?" he took a quick look around to make sure everyone followed Seth's instructions. "Okay, we need to form two lines. We need two lines of men facing each other. Come, Habibi, stand beside me," he grabbed Emmett. "Garrett!" he searched the crowd for his best man to take the other side.

"Okay, straight guys over here," Roger took charge and found an easy way for us to arrange ourselves into two groups that were surprisingly even in number.

None of us had a clue what we were doing, but we lined up in two rows opposite each other and, following Nasir's lead, somehow got through what I can safely say was one of the most bizarre wedding traditions I have ever experienced. It was, however, totally worth it to see the look of pure happiness on Nasir's face as we completed what had obviously been a very special tradition.

When the dance was done, Troy, more than a little tipsy, draped his body over Zack while leaning his head against my shoulder.

"That was fun, Gem," he said with a wide smile, his eyes slightly glazed over. "Can we do it again, Zacky?"

I glanced at Zack over Troy's head and we shared a smile over his sheer adorableness, though I could see Zack was also a little concerned about how much Troy had been drinking. I shrugged my shoulders slightly to let him know that even Troy should be able to have a little fun on such a special occasion. I knew we would all be keeping a close eye on him, so he wouldn't get into any real trouble.

"I'm warm from all the dancing," I said casually. "I think I need a bottle of water. How about you guys?"

"Water would be great, Edward," Zack said, his eyes signaling gratitude. "We could both use one."

Cliff and I got water for all of us and rejoined the boys on the dance floor for a few more songs. Cliff did his best to look like he was having fun, but I remembered what he looked like when he was really dancing carefree, and this was not it. Knowing that he too was probably looking for an excuse to stop dancing made it easier for me to beg off, despite the pouts from Troy. The water sobered him up a little, but he was still obviously tipsy and vocal in his insistence that his brothers needed to keep dancing with him. Fortunately Zack distracted him with a kiss. Immediately forgotten, Cliff and I made our getaway.

Instead of going back to the table, we headed for the bar and refreshed our drinks. I wasn't sure how to tactfully bring the conversation back to Derek, so I asked Cliff about his work instead.

"It's going well, actually," I was happy to see him perk up a little as he spoke. "I've been doing a lot more on air reports all last year and my numbers have been good. Just last week the station offered me the anchor slot on the late, late and weekend morning newscasts. I'm supposed to start in a couple of weeks. That's another reason I wanted to come out here now. Once I start, I probably won't be able to take too many weekends off."

"That's wonderful, Cliff! Why didn't you say something sooner?" I leaned over and gave him a warm congratulatory hug. "I'm not at all surprised your numbers are good. Who wouldn't want to watch you?"

"Apparently not too many people," he said with a self-satisfied smirk. "I did well in all demographics. And thanks. I'm excited about this opportunity. The news execs hinted that if I can manage to improve the news ratings, they'll consider moving me to higher visibility slot. So this is sort of a try-out to see if I can handle anchoring. It could be a good stepping stone."

"I have no doubt ratings for your newscasts will improve. I know I'd make a point of staying up late or getting up early to watch a hottie like you," I grinned and play punched his arm.

"Haha," Cliff joked, but I could see he was pleased with my comment. Then a shadow darkened his expression. "Of course, I don't really know how much longer I'll be in Wilmington. By spring all this it may be a moot point. I may have to start from scratch with a station closer to Durham."

"Is that really the only option? It would be a shame for you to leave your job just as you were advancing towards your goal. I know long-distance relationships are not ideal," I said gently, "but a lot of us can't seem to avoid them. Look at Emmett and Nasir. With Nasir working in New York they only see each other on weekends. Jasper and I may not even be able to see each other that often. A two and a half hour drive is easier than flying across the US."

Cliff sighed and drained his glass.

"I know I'm not the only one in this boat," he acknowledged. "And that might work in the summer and fall. But the other half of a year I only get glimpses of Derek even when we're living together. Between my reporting schedule and his job, sometimes we literally only get to be together while we're sleeping. If I'm working both weekend days as well, there's no way we can make regular visits work with our schedules," he looked down into his empty glass and I could tell he was very emotional.

"Well, you don't even know yet if he'll get the job, so no sense worrying about it prematurely, right?" I tried to inject some hope into the situation. Not an easy task, considering I knew exactly how he felt.

I looked around at the mingling and dancing guests. Between the music, which required us to speak louder than we normally would, and the people, I was feeling weirdly exposed. I wondered if there were any more tasks for me to complete, or if it was possible for Cliff and me to go back to the hotel early, where we could have some privacy. I looked for Seth in the crowd, figuring he was the only one who could officially make that call, but he was nowhere to be found. I shared my idea with Cliff, who was very much on board with returning to the hotel, explaining that he'd come to the wedding directly from the airport and still needed to check in. After we refreshed our drinks once more, we set off in search of Emmett's best man. We thought we got lucky when we saw Emmett and Garrett at the foot of the grand staircase, but when I asked about Seth's whereabouts, neither of the men knew where the little diva was. The looks of extreme concern on both of their faces immediately put me and Cliff on edge as well.

"Em, Garrett, what's wrong?" I asked.

"Nasi is missing. Somebody took him," Emmett was frantic.

"What?" I was filled with shock and fury. "Here? How?"

"I don't know!" Emmett clung to Garrett. "His clothes were scattered all over upstairs. His phone and wallet and everything are up there, and he's gone!"

"Fuck!" I cursed. "We have to find him!"

"We'll need as much help as we can get," Cliff quickly added. "Where did Seth go?"

Emmett turned a stunned gaze towards Cliff.

"Emmett?" Garrett prompted.

"Em, what is it?" I reiterated when he didn't answer.

"Seth is missing too?" Emmett asked, suspicion creeping into his voice as his demeanor calmed.

"Is he?" Garrett inquired.

"Where's my brother? Anybody seen Carson?" Emmett asked.

"We saw his wife talking to Yvonne and Maggie," Cliff noted, pointing towards the dining room.

As soon as Emmett determined that Carson was not with Sonja, he turned and strode into the dining room. The three of us followed, more confused than ever. Sonja, apparently, knew exactly what was happening, and after talking to her, Emmett seemed to get it as well. To our frustration, however, he called his brother before giving us the explanation.

"Seth is with him and they took Nasi," he disclosed after a brief exchange with Carson.

He continued his one-sided telephone conversation, giving the rest of us little to go on.

"Em, for fuck’s sake, talk to us!" I demanded as he hung up with a defeated look.

"Yes, please," Garrett encouraged.

"There is a fine German tradition at weddings that I didn't mention to anyone, because I was hoping to avoid it, and quite frankly, I really forgot all about it," Emmett said.

"The best man abducts the bride, or in this case...," Sonja pointed at Emmett and smiled in silent conclusion.

"The tradition is that the bride is taken from the reception by the best man to a local pub, and the groom has to find her. So Nasi was taken by Seth, and we all know who put him up to that. I don't know where they are. Seth turned his phone off so you couldn't track him down for me," Emmett finished the explanation.

"Ah," Garrett nodded.

"I have to find them and when I do, I have to pay for everything they drank, and everyone drinking with them," Emmett concluded.

"We got you covered, Em. Don't give that another thought," I offered and Garrett agreed.

"How do we find them?" Cliff asked the logical question. "We're in Capital Hill, so there's any number of gay bars where they might have gone. Would your brother go into one?"

"He doesn't know the area at all. I'm sure he would have let Seth pick," Emmett speculated.

"Carson's in a gay bar? I can't wait to hear about this," Sonja said with amusement.

"With so many around, how do we figure out which one? This could take hours," Cliff worried. I wasn't nearly as concerned.

"Carson took Nasir to a gay bar and Seth is with them," I repeated as an answer to our dilemma made itself obvious. "I'll be right back," I turned and headed to the dance floor to find the one man in Seattle who would have the resources we needed.

"Simon, I need your help," I explained as I led him and Wayne to a quieter spot.

"Anything. What is it?" Simon was as helpful as ever. Once again I was thankful I listened to Seth years before when he practically forced me to hook up with the boy who would become his power bottom successor.

"Seth, for reasons too long to go into, left and is at one of the bars around town. I need to know which one and right now," I quickly stated the crux of my request.

"Give me two minutes," Simon said confidently, pulling out his phone and tapping the screen to type out a message. "He's not at The Cuff. He's not at the Lobby," he read off the responses as they arrived. "AllSeeingSeth is at R Place. Looking at him right now. He's with Emmett and Nasir. U coming out?" Simon read the message and then looked at me, confused. "But, isn't that Emmett over there?"

"Someone is just mistaking his brother for him. Seth and Carson abducted Nasir and we have to go get him," I summarized.

"We're in!" Simon and Wayne chorused. We quickly filled Emmett, Cliff and Garrett in on the others' location and headed for the cars. Simon and Wayne drove separately while Garrett, Emmett, Cliff and I piled into the Phantom. Even with Garrett sitting in the front, there wasn't quite enough room in the back for the three of us, so I sat back as far as I could and had Cliff sit between my legs in front of me. I figured that was easier for the four block drive to R place than the three of us squeezing into the seat side-by-side, but I regretted that decision as the car sped up and I had to grab Cliff to stop him from sliding all the way back against me.

"You guys comfy?" Emmett joked, but I couldn't bring myself to laugh and I didn't hear anything from Cliff. Though I was sure neither of us would admit it, our position was much too familiar and, at least for me, it sparked memories that I didn't want to revive now that we were both involved with other men. I loved Jasper and Cliff loved Derek and any recollections of what things had been like when we were together needed to stay buried. I knew by the way he shot out of the car as soon as we reached R Place that Cliff felt the same way.

"There they are!" Seth noticed us as soon as we walked in.

Emmett, who I think was initially truly angry with his brother, allowed the mildly drunk Carson to mollify him with a familial hug before pushing him off and enjoying a tender reunion with his husband. Only then did he quiz Seth and Carson on how they managed to spirit Nasir away from underneath his nose. Cliff and I stood on the periphery of the group and watched. Now that Emmett found his man, I was sure we both wished we could be elsewhere. I felt Cliff tense as he watched the tenderness between Emmett and Nasir, and I wondered what he was thinking. I reached over and squeezed his hand in silent support. He looked at me in surprise, and then gave me a small grateful smile. I returned the smile and gave his hand another squeeze until Carson insisted we all do a shot of tequila, which made it impossible for us to maintain the contact.

There was a bit of a commotion when Simon and Wayne walked in, and I used the distraction to pull Cliff back to an empty table for two in the corner of the bar. I'd known him too well for too long not to recognize that he was barely holding it together. I was sure his physical exhaustion didn't help, but that the real culprit was emotional. Cliff had likely already been in a depressed state when he started drinking earlier in the day, and the additional alcohol only amplified his mood. I took no satisfaction in being proven right when I saw Cliff's eyes fill with tears and heard him choke back a sob as he looked at the newly married couple.

"Cliff, it's going to be all right. Everything is going to work out," I tried to assure him. I wasn't sure he even heard me.

"I know it's wrong, but every time I see Emmett and Nasir or Seth and Garrett or Leo and Zack being so tender and loving with one another, I think about Gio, and I get so angry. This is what it was like for us, every time. We loved each other completely and totally. We didn't let anyone or anything come between us. We never hid our relationship. Everything was just perfect. It was fucking perfect. And then I had to get stupid and drunk and I ruined everything. I shouldn't be alive. Wherever Gio is right now, I should be with him. Or he should be here instead of me."

"Cliff, stop!" Alarmed at his train of thought, I grabbed his hand between both of mine. "Stop talking like this! You know what happened to Gio was a tragic accident. It wasn't your fault. There's nothing you can do to bring him back, and this talk about joining him is just foolish. Think about what that would do to your parents, and Bruce and Tyrone and Leo and Zack. Think of what it would do to me. And most of all, think of what it would do to Derek. Do you really want him going through what you went through after Gio was gone? Do you want that for all of us? Because that's what would happen. Except for us it would be worse, because it wouldn't be a twist of fate that took you away."

"I'm not suicidal, Edward," he raised his eyes to meet mine so I could see he was serious. "I couldn't do that to everyone. But sometimes when Derek's out and I'm alone, I can't help thinking about everything that happened and wishing-"

"Please stop," I squeezed his hand. "Stop thinking about it. I know how tempting it is because I've done that too, once. But all that kind of thinking does is hold you down and back. Have you talked about this with anyone?"

He shook his head. "I stopped therapy a couple years back. It didn't seem necessary anymore."

"I think maybe you should go back. You need to talk to someone, and Derek may not be the right person to help you deal with this."

"If he were ever around for me to talk to," Cliff's not quite laugh lacked any humor.

"Surely he's not out with recruiters every night," I said, frowning. I didn't know much about Derek's field, but if he was going out every night I'd suspect more was going on than just a new job search. And if he was even thinking about cheating on Cliff, I would make sure the universe knew what a scum he was, his career be damned.

"No, he's not," Cliff sighed. "I'm exaggerating. But even when he's there, we don't really talk. What's there to say? It's not like either of us doesn't know what's going on without beating a dead horse."

I closed my eyes, my mind traveling back in time. I knew first-hand what Cliff could be like when he withdrew into himself. I'd never forget all the ways I tried to fix things between us after the disastrous dinner with my sisters, each and every one of them rebuffed. If that's what he was doing to Derek, the other man had virtually no chance of penetrating the wall that Cliff could so skillfully put up to shield himself. For the first time I wondered if maybe Derek wasn't the only one responsible for whatever problems they were having.

"Hey, what are you two doing over here? You didn't think you could get away with not drinking with us, did you? I got your tequila right here!"

Carson came to our table before I had a chance to say anything to Cliff, who tensed beside me and attempted to wear a neutrally happy expression. It was good enough to fool Carson, but not me. Had it been at all possible to do without creating a scene, I would have told Emmett's brother to take the tequila the fuck back to the bar and give us some privacy, but in addition to that being completely unfair to Carson, it would have defeated Cliff's attempts at keeping his turmoil from the rest of the wedding party and guests. Resigned, I made no objections as Carson poured us both shots, which Cliff and I obediently drained. Satisfied, Carson returned to the rest of the group. His back was turned so he could not see it, and his size hid Cliff's shudder away from the other guys. I knew Cliff wouldn't be able to handle much more. It was time for me to step in and take charge.

"Stay here for a minute, okay? Don't move," I told him, though it probably wasn't necessary. He didn't look in any shape to go anywhere by himself. I took advantage of the distraction provided by Seth and Carson as they relayed something to Emmett and Garrett, walked up to the other end of the bar, and flagged over the bartender. I gave him my credit card and instructed him to bill me for the entire tab of the wedding party. I signed the slip, adding a very healthy tip.

"You're not worried that I'll over bill you?" the bartender asked, surprised.

"I'm friends with both Seth and Simon, so I don't think I need to worry about that," I smirked.

"You wouldn't anyway, but yeah, I see what you mean," The bartender grinned back. "Thanks for the tip!"

"You earned it. Treat everyone well for the rest of the night, okay?"

He just nodded. I went back to the table and held out my hand. "Come on, let's go back to the hotel. You and I need to talk, somewhere more private than this."

"Are you sure?" he looked uncertain. "I don't want to take you away from the party. We can talk tomorrow morning. I told you, I'm not even checked in yet."

"All the more reason to go now. It's all right, Cliff. Everyone will understand. Come on. Let's just say our good byes."

He took my hand and stood up. He didn't resist as I pulled him into a hug. "We'll talk this out and it'll be better, I promise," I whispered to him.

"Thanks, Eddie," he said, his voice equally low. "I appreciate this so much."

"It's nothing you wouldn't do for me." I let him go, but kept an arm around his shoulder as we walked towards the rest of the wedding party.

"Hey, guys, I think we're gonna call it a night," I told the gathered men. "Cliff's tired. He's been travelling all day. We'll get him checked in and tucked in."

"I'm so glad you could make it, Cliff," Emmett said as he grabbed Cliff into one of his bear hugs. "It really means a lot to me."

"I'm glad too, Emmett," Cliff replied, obviously taking comfort from Emmett’s embrace just as I was pulled into Nasir's arms.

"Edward, thank you so much."

"Absolutely, Nasir. I'm so happy Em has you,"

"Maashallah, my friend, maashallah."

"Brunch in the morning for all the out of towners," Emmett announced as he released Cliff. "You better be there. Unless your flight is too early."

"I would love to, Emmett, thanks," Cliff agreed.

We said goodbye to everyone in turn. When it was time to hug Seth, he pulled me close and quietly ordered, "Take care of him." I didn't need to be told, but I appreciated him looking out for Cliff too.

We were almost out the door when Seth ran to catch up with us. "You guys take the Rolls. We'll be fine in the other car," he offered.

"Okay. See you in the morning," I said, leaning down for a quick kiss on his cheek. "Thanks, Seth."

"Night," Seth called as the bar door closed behind us.

"I swear," Cliff said, shaking his head. "The way he looked through me when we were saying goodbye, I'm sure he knows everything."

"Yup," I agreed. "Seth's like that. He cares about you, you know. We all do. You will always have a place here among us."

We got into the back seat of the limo and I was just about to give the hotel address to the driver when Cliff mentioned that his bag was still at the mansion.

"I'd like to say goodbye to everyone there anyway," he said, as if needing to justify our return to the reception.

I too realized that I hadn't said good bye to any of the other guests, including my family, and was glad for the detour. Our first order of business was to run upstairs in the hopes that some of the kids were still awake. We were too late, however, and all we could do was glance at the older kids all settled on top of the oversized bed and Connor sleeping on Owen's chest on a nearby chaise, where Cliff and I had our earlier conversation.

"The kids will be sad they didn't get a chance to say good bye," I mentioned as we walked back downstairs. "You'll just have to come back to Seattle to see them again soon," I grinned.

"That would be great," Cliff seemed a little more himself after seeing the children. "Now I'm here, I don't know why I haven't flown out by myself before. Especially when Derek's so busy."

Everyone else was following Emmett's orders and keeping the party going. We said our goodbyes and Cliff received another round of warm hugs from my sisters, Roger & Yvonne. Only Zack and Troy were missing. Everyone at the mansion thought they had gone with us to the bar, not having seen them since before then. I contemplated searching for them, but given Cliff's exhaustion and state of mind, I didn't want to waste time.

"They're staying in the suite across from mine," I told Cliff, "so you can see them and say goodbye tomorrow. Let's just get your bag and get you checked in. Where did you put it?"

"In this room right off the entrance," Cliff pointed to the large pocket doors, which were now pulled shut. I slid them open only enough for us to step in and reached to flip the light switch, illuminating the room. A barely oriented, black mopped head rose from the fainting couch as Zack looked towards us from where he was sprawled out with Troy on top of him. He blinked rapidly, trying to get used to the light, his arm protectively wrapping around his smaller partner.

"Hey guys. So glad it's you," he greeted us sheepishly and quietly, obviously hoping not to wake the dozing Troy. Zack's shirt, vest and jacket were completely open, except for the shirt button at his neck which still appeared closed underneath his Euro tie. His pants had been pulled down as well, though Troy's body covered up any flesh that might otherwise be exposed.

"Looks like you two had quite the celebration," I chuckled.

"Yeah," Zack took his arm from Troy's back and ran his hand through his even more disheveled than normal hair. "Lee can be very persuasive."

I smiled and would have joked more, but one glance at Cliff showed me that he did not find the situation as amusing as I did. His melancholia was returning.

"We came to get Cliff's bag," I explained. "He's exhausted, so we're gonna go back to the hotel and get him checked in. How about you guys? Are you gonna stay?"

"Do you think it's okay for us to go with you? Leo's had one or two too many, I think. I don't know that he'd be much use to anyone in this state." Zack pointed at his still sleeping partner.

"Your job is done for the day, as is mine. Cliff, why don't you tell Maggie and Rose that we're taking the guys back to the hotel with us, just so they don't worry when the others return without them. Zack, you wake Leo up and maybe put yourself together, a little," I said. "In the meantime, I'll go up and get our bags form the grooms' rooms."

Cliff and I exited the room and he went back to the dining room while I dashed upstairs. Fortunately, the boys and I had taken care to pack up our bags before the ceremony, so it took almost no time to grab my bag out of Nasir's room and theirs out of Emmett's. I was so fast I actually beat Cliff back, which was fortuitous, because I found Leo awake and doing his best to seduce Zack.

"Come on, Zacky," he whined as he tried to stop Zack from buttoning his shirt. "Don't get dressed. I want you to fuck me. You feel so good inside me, Z."

"We're going back to the hotel, Leo," I said from the doorway. "Once you're in your room, you boys can go crazy all night long, but for now Zack has to get dressed. You two already had enough fun here."

"Oh, Edward," Troy looked at me and giggled. "I didn't know you were there. Zacky's cum is so yummy! It's better than wedding cake!"

"Lee!" Zack was mortified. I could practically feel him blushing from across the room.

"I'm sure it is," I agreed, walking over and pulling Troy up to lean against me, giving Zack a chance to finish dressing.

"You can't have any," Troy sing-songed and laughed gleefully.

"No," I agreed. "He's all yours."

"I'm such a lucky boy!" Troy said with a dreamy expression on his face. "He fucks my cum right out of me."

"You are indeed very lucky," I echoed, unable to keep the amusement off my face. Zack sent me an apologetic grin.

"Come on, Lee. Edward doesn't want to hear all this," he pleaded, placing a calming hand on Troy's back.

"Are you guys ready?" We turned to see Cliff stick his head through the partially opened door. "Sorry it took me so long," he said when he saw that we were, indeed, ready to go. "Professor Crittenton and his wife kind of cornered me and it took a while to get away."

"Ah yes," I nodded knowingly. "Been there, done that. Hey, can you help Zack walk Leo out while I grab the bags?"

"I don't need help," Troy protested, pushing himself away from me only to sway precariously on his feet before Zack stepped up to steady him. "Hee, hee, hee," Tory giggled. "Maybe I need a little help. Everything's spinning. It's you, Zacky!" he said dreamily again, looking back at his partner. "You spin me round, round, baby right round," his loud singing was muffled by Zack's panicked kiss. Cliff shook his head and stepped up to the boys, taking my place at Troy's other side.

"How much did you have to drink?" he asked Troy curiously.

"Not that much," Troy insisted with a sigh as Zack released his lips.

"It really wasn't that much," Zack confirmed. "We're just not used to it. Sorry guys."

"It's no problem. You're young and this is a night for celebration," I said.

"Yeah, Zacky. We should celebrate!" Troy exclaimed.

"Back in your own hotel room," I completed for him. "And maybe at a lower volume."

I led our group out, holding the two small bags belonging to me and the boys in one hand, and picking up Cliff's carry-on on the way. Cliff sat in the back of the limo with the boys while I took the front seat for the short ride back to the hotel. When we got there I declined the bellman's help, taking our bags and leaving Cliff and Zack to handle Troy, who had managed to doze off during the four block drive from the mansion. I thought it would be better to keep Cliff occupied, so he wouldn't have too much time to think, and Troy obliged by being groggy at first, and then very eager to stay at the hotel bar to listen to the soothing harp music emanating from within.

"Let's go in there, Zacky," he pleaded. "It sounds like angels playing in heaven."

Zack sighed and pulled Troy close, whispering something into his ear that made Troy turn obediently and head without any further prompting for the elevators. I snickered as I imagined what Zack promised Troy to get that kind of reaction. Cliff and I got a preview when the elevator closed with only the four of us inside, and Troy immediately pasted himself to his partner and began grinding against him.

"Lee, wait. We'll be in the room soon," Zack implored with little success. Troy only stopped when the elevator bell rang announcing our arrival on the fifth floor.

"Why does the room have to be so far away?" he whined as we walked to their suite at the far end of the corridor. If I didn't know that Zack had the patience and indulgence of a saint when it came to Troy, I almost would have felt sorry for him. As it was, I just wanted to get them both to the room so they could finish what they started at the mansion while Cliff and I went to talk.

We finally reached the door of the boys suite and Zack quickly unlocked it, leading Troy inside and to the bed. "Thanks, you guys," he said gratefully. "I should have kept a closer eye on him during the reception. He was having so much fun, though, and I was too."

"No harm done, Zack," I told him easily, leaning down to give them both a quick kiss on their cheeks. "We'll close the door as we leave. Just remember to flip the security locks before you go to sleep, all right?"

"Goodnight, guys," Cliff said as he kissed them both as well. "I'll see you tomorrow at the brunch."

"Bye Gem, bye Cap," Troy said breezily even as he grabbed Zack's tux jacket and pulled his partner down onto him.

I shook my head and headed for the door, with Cliff following closely behind. I heard him breathe a sigh of relief when we exited into the hall and pulled the door closed behind us. I was sympathetic, sure he was missing Derek as much as I was missing Jasper, and wishing that his man was here so they too could retire to their own room.

"I love those two and I'm happy for them," he said, "but it's not easy being around them when they're like that." I was about to agree when he continued. "I remember when you and I were like that too. Couldn't keep our hands off each other. I miss that," he said wistfully.

I froze and looked back at him. My surprise must have been evident in my face, because he quickly added, "I just meant that I miss being able to do that in public. I miss being open. Derek barely tolerates our feet or hands touching under a table in public. He was getting better, especially after he came out to his family, but now he's more paranoid than ever. I'm just tired of being careful, tired of the denial, of feeling like a dirty secret, like we're doing something wrong."

I huffed in exasperation, but couldn't think of what to say. This was exactly what I didn't want for him. Exactly what I worried about when he got together with Derek. Yet Cliff had been fine with the secrecy. I wondered what changed to make him second guess himself now.

"Thanks, Edward," he said quietly.

"For what," I asked, puzzled.

"For not saying 'I told you so,' even though you have every right to."

"I'm not happy I was right," I told him honestly. "Let me drop off my bag and we can go downstairs to talk. I know things seem really bad right now, but maybe you're too close and the problems are looming too large? Maybe you need another perspective?"

"I'd appreciate your perspective, anyway," he agreed. "I know I can count on your honesty."

I opened the door to my suite just enough to toss in the bag and pulled it closed again. We took the elevator back to the lobby, but rather than checking Cliff in, we went into the bar, where we found a table for two at a far corner. We ordered wine and listened to the soothing music, Cliff obviously needing a little downtime before we resumed our discussion from R Place. Unfortunately, we arrived just as the harpist was ending her shift for the night, and only caught her last song. However, since most people at the Fireside Room took the harpist's departure as their cue to leave, we were left practically alone and the lack of music didn't diminish our privacy. We sipped the wine in silence for a while, until Cliff was finally ready to talk.

"I've been lucky I haven't been outed yet, both at work and otherwise. I think at work everyone suspects, but they respect my right to privacy enough not to ask. It's almost obvious how out of their way they go not to ask. Whenever there's a water cooler discussion about someone's husband or girl or boyfriend, they take care to make sure I never have to answer a gender specific question. And there are these silent permanent air quotes at work around the word "roommate."

"Sounds like your co-workers are very considerate."

"They are. I wouldn't have expected it in North Carolina, but at our station we really are like a family, and I think everyone is happy with the don't ask, don't tell arrangement."

"Everyone?" I asked gently.

"Well, I was happy with it. I guess I still am. Everything would change if I came out. Derek would either have to very publicly denounce me or come out himself, and I would hate to have him cornered like that. For a long time I worried that I'd get outed anyway. I'd dated other guys in Wilmington before Derek. I always tried to keep a low profile, but as I became better known, any one of them could have come forward with the story." he shrugged. "But none did, so after a while I stopped thinking about it."

"So that's still not an issue," I summarized, "and yet it's obviously bothering you."

"I just never imagined I would be in the closet," he explained. "And now that I've been offered this anchor position, the ratings ride on me. If I do well, going forward I'll always have to wonder if my career depends on me staying in the closet. I think I need to decide if I want to be Anderson Cooper or Don Lemon, you know? Except it's not just up to me."

"As long as you don't misrepresent yourself as straight, I don't see what business it is of the viewers who you go home to at night. Don Lemon didn't come out at the start of his career, did he? But if you feel compelled to come out..." I let my voice trail off because I didn't know what advice to give him. I couldn't tell him to do what he felt in his heart was right, without regard to what that might do to Derek's career or their relationship. And there really wasn't a compromise on this issue, except waiting.

"I don't know if compelled is the right way to put it. I'm just tired of pretending and hiding. And I'm tired of him having to do it. It's not so bad at his regular job, because he's young enough not to have settled down, but these recruiters seen kind of relentless...the other day they all went to a strip club. He had to stuff dollar bills into the G-string of some woman. I mean..." Cliff downed his wine.

"I'm sure he hated every moment of it," I speculated. "You're not jealous, are you?"

"Jealous?" he snorted. "No, of course not. Not of the women."

"Then what?" I pressed. He looked up and signaled the lone waitress, ordering more wine for us when she came by. I was worried that he'd already drank too much, but didn't have it in me to stop him.

"I hate that he's willing to do all this for the job. So much deception. So many compromises of his integrity. I hate that he's not even willing to say that he's too religious to go to a strip joint with them. I mean, he could have said that, right, instead of just going along with it?"

"He's scared, Cliff," I tried to put myself in Derek's shoes. "Maybe in that line of work being religious is as bad as being gay? He probably doesn't want to give them any personal reason to reject him. He just wants to be judged for his ability."

"All they have to do for that is look at his record," Cliff said, draining his wine again. "If this were only about ability, he'd have the job already. There isn't anyone out there who's done what he has at his age. Skills wise, this position would be a step down for him. He can do so much more."

"Has he looked anywhere else? Outside the state? Maybe somewhere up north?"

"He has," Cliff nodded. "Last year there was even some interest in New York, but he came to North Carolina for a reason. This is his dream. It's all he's ever wanted. All he's ever fought for. And now it's within his reach."

"It's not all he's ever wanted," I reminded him urgently. "He's always wanted you too!"

"Yeah," Cliff gave a short, humorless laugh. "That's what he says. But he's never wanted me enough to pursue me or fight for me. Not in high school, not when I was with Gio, not when I was with you... He never really fought for me. He asked me out and I accepted. I bet if I'd said no, that would have been the end of it. I just made it so fucking easy for him. 'Sure, we can go for a drink. Sure, I'll meet you for dinner. Sure, we can kept this just between us,'" Cliff paused, and then resumed, more impassioned and angry. "He didn't even fight you after your confrontation at Leo's graduation. I was the one who decided to stop talking to you. I've been the one sacrificing and trying to make the relationship work. And for what? To stay in that damned closet forever? To be left behind while he goes out with the boys and goes on the road with them? It's stripper clubs here, but what if away from their homes they want to do more?"

"Cliff, you can't believe he would ever go that far," I protested, fearing the alcohol was fueling his imagination beyond reason.

"Hey, there they are!" Emmett's loud, booming voice was unmistakable. Cliff and I turned to see Seth leading the rest of the wedding party through the lobby and they were headed straight for us.

"Oh shit. The squadron found us," I said apologetically and placed my hand on his arm as he once again tried to school his features into a forced smile.

"Hey, guys," Emmett greeted, but was immediately pulled away by Garrett towards the bar.

"We thought Leo and Zack would be with you," Seth expressed his surprise. "They turned in?"

"What?" Carson frowned. "They should be able to outlast all of us."

"They don't really drink, so they can't keep up," I explained, all the while trying to think of a way I could extricate us from the group. Cliff was in no emotional shape for carousing or any more drinking. And then, as if he knew what was needed, which he probably did, Seth provided us with the perfect out.

"You're still not checked in?" he asked, pointing to where we stashed Cliff's bag under our table.

"Uh, no. We should go do that now. Let's go get you checked in finally," I said to Cliff.

"Good idea, Edward," he said, tugging on his bag as we got up.

"I'll take that," I said, throwing the bag over my shoulder just as I had earlier. "Go ahead," I pointed him towards the reception desk and followed behind him. The man behind the desk saw our approach and greeted us with a pleasant "Good evening, gentlemen. How may I help you?"

"I'd like to check in for the night," Cliff said, reaching for his wallet.

"Certainly, Sir. Your name, please."

"Clifton Barringer," I supplied. The man typed in the name and frowned.

"I can't seem to find a reservation. Do you have a confirmation number?" he asked Cliff politely.

"Oh, sorry, I wasn't clear. I don't have a reservation. Hopefully you have a room available."

The man looked at us regretfully. "I am very sorry, but we are fully booked this evening. We checked earlier and the Fairmont, the W and Hotel 1000 all had rooms available. Here is some information," he offered a computer printout with information about each hotel along with a map of their location, available room types and rates. "Which one would you like me to call for you?"

Cliff looked back at me, his complete dejection clear in his eyes. "Which one do you think, Eddie? Probably the Fairmont, right? It's the closest."

I quickly glanced at the three maps to confirm Cliff's statement, and then pushed the paper back across the counter. There was no way I was going to send Cliff to stay at another hotel, alone. Not when he was in the shape he was in and we still hadn't even finished talking.

"You're not going anywhere tonight, Cliff. We still need to talk and this is where you should be tomorrow morning for the brunch. I have a perfectly nice suite upstairs that will comfortably sleep two. You don't mind sharing a bed, do you?"

Cliff glanced down at the floor. "Edward, that was supposed to be for you and Jasper."

"Yes, but he's not here and you are, and you need a place to stay. It's just sleep, Cliff. We can pile pillows in between if it makes you more comfortable. I promise I won't do anything inappropriate," I said earnestly, grabbing his upper arm reassuringly. "Your virtue will be safe."

He looked up and cracked a small smile. "I wasn't really worried about my virtue. But are you sure? I mean, Jasper might object to you sharing a room with an ex."

I glanced over Cliff's shoulder and noted that while the man at reception tried to appear busy with other tasks, he was listening intently to our exchange. This, combined with Cliff's statement, made me feel slightly uncomfortable, but I quickly brushed the discomfort off. Cliff's need was more important right now than my issues.

"Jasper, of all people, understands that sometimes you need to be there for your friends. Look where he is right now. I'm sure he would want me to do this," I said with much more confidence than I felt. "Unless you think Derek would have a problem with you staying with me?" It suddenly occurred to me that Cliff's reluctance could have a completely different source, but he quickly shook his head.

"That's not an issue," he said firmly.

"Should I just add Mr. Barringer's name to your room, Sir?" the desk clerk asked, making it obvious that he heard every word of our conversation.

"Yes, please. I'm Edward Cullen. Suite 526."

Cliff pulled out his license and gave it to the clerk to make registration easier. The man typed quickly and completed his task in under a minute, handing Cliff's license back. "Enjoy your stay, Mr. Barringer."

"Okay then, come on. Let's get to the room before one of the squadron flies out here to look for us," I said, looking apprehensively over my shoulder towards the Fireside Room. I took Cliff's hand and pulled him toward the elevators. In moments we were on our way up to the fifth floor.

"Here it is, home sweet home, at least for the night," I said as I opened the door and led him into the suite. "Make yourself comfortable. There are plenty of hangers in the closet if you need them."

"Thanks. Do you mind if I change? I'd love to ditch this suit."

"Not at all," I said, handing him his bag. "I'm going to do the same thing."

I took out a change of clothes and pulled a couple of bottles of water out of the room fridge for us while he changed. He emerged from the bathroom wearing jeans and a tee shirt, both of which closely hugged his body. It reminded me of how good he always looked when we were together, but it also reminded me of Jasper, and how amazing he looked in everything he wore, most of which was as well-fitted as Cliff's outfit. I quickly realized that I needed to distract myself before my thoughts about Jasper created a visible manifestation, so I pointed him to the table where I had placed the water and explained it was my time to change.

It only took a couple of minutes for me to take off the tux and replace it with my own jeans and tee shirt. I wasn't happy about having to forgo sleeping with Jasper's shirt for the second night in a row, but both Emmett and Cliff had done too much for me in the past. I couldn't become selfish again just when they needed me. And where it was debatable whether Emmett truly needed me to spend his wedding eve night with him and Seth, there was no doubt that Cliff's situation was much more dire.

As I hung up the tuxedo I wondered just how best to help him. My gut told me that he was panicking prematurely, and that he needed to give Derek time to work things out in his own head and come to a decision. Then again, what he'd said earlier about Derek always taking the easy path had a ring of truth to it, and maybe he needed this wake-up call to understand that this time around he might have to make some tough decisions? Knowing Cliff flew out for the wedding without him, Derek had to be going out of his mind with concern. A shiver ran through me as I recalled how I felt when Jasper left Seattle six years ago, even when I still believed it was only temporary. It was almost enough to make me want to call Derek to let him know that I was trying to help. But then no matter how much I might have sympathized with Derek, my loyalty was to Cliff. In the end, the most important thing to me was sparing Cliff any unnecessary pain and ensuring his happiness. If that meant a future without Derek, that's where I would throw the weight of my support.

I joined Cliff back in the room and sat in the chair on the other side of the small round table. He had been slouched forward, staring down at the water bottle he'd held with both hands between his slightly spread knees, but looked up when he heard me approach.

"Thanks for the water. I might have overdone it a little today with the wine."

"We've all tried to drown out our problems at one time or another," I dismissed. "It's fine, especially on a night like this, as long as you don't make it a habit."

"I haven't, though not for lack of temptation. It's not easy. With Derek out all the time, the apartment's so empty and lonely. I can't go out, because where would I go? Gay clubs are off limits and the only thing worse than being home alone is being hit on by lonely single women in a straight bar. I can't even do anything around the apartment, like painting or redecorating, 'cause it's not ours. We'd just have to work to undo everything when we move out, which may not be too far off, so what's the point? It's strange. When I moved back to Seattle after the accident, I avoided people and was perfectly fine being by myself. I don't know why this is so different."

I knew. It was different because back then he was alone by choice. If he hadn't figured it out, though, I wasn't going to plant the suggestion.

"I wanted to buy a place of our own, a condo," Cliff relayed quietly. "It wouldn't have to mean anything - just two friends making a real estate investment together. I spoke with an attorney I know and he said it would be easy to draft the papers, that straight people did it all the time, partners in business, you know? But even that was too much for him. He said it was because we didn't want to be so permanently tied to Wilmington, but I know that was just an excuse. I just wanted something that was ours, other than an apartment lease. It would have been a step forward."

He put the bottle on the table and went to stand at the window, drawing back the sheers to look out at the city. His left arm was at his side, but his hand was curled up tightly. I could feel the pain and disappointment of Derek's refusal rolling off him in waves. I remembered how he had once reacted to my reluctance to move in together, and imagined this felt similar to him. I followed him to the window, wrapping my arms around him from behind in an attempt to comfort.

"Maybe he just wasn't ready. Buying a place together is a pretty big step. And look at what happened, you guys may be moving. He may have been right."

"I know, but I just wanted to feel like our relationship was going somewhere. Like there was progress. It's not like I was asking him to adopt."

"Adopt?" I was stunned. "Cliff, are you thinking about adopting?"

"Not really," he shook his head. "I mean, how can I be thinking about that? People aren't exactly falling over themselves to let single fathers adopt children. But I would like to have kids someday. I didn't even realize how much I want that until I saw Liam and Ren today. They've grown so much, and I missed it all. I didn't even know about Owen. God, Edward, he's so beautiful. He looks just like you. I wish I could have been there the first time you held him, like I was there when you first held Liam." He began to cry, huge sobs shook his body even as I tightened my hold on him and tried to calm him down. When that didn't work, I turned him around and pulled him into my chest, cradling his head with one hand while keeping the other wrapped tightly around his back.

"Come on, it's OK. Ren and Liam still remember you so well, and you can visit them any time. And I have pictures of that first day in the hospital with Owen, if you ever want to see. Next best thing to being there."

"It's not the same at all. If I'd stayed, I could have been a part of it all. He wouldn't have hesitated to hug me today. God, Edward, your son!"

"My neph-" I tried to point out, but before the word was out completely Cliff lifted his head and pressed his lips over mine.

I froze. Every cell in my body screamed that this was wrong, that I should be pushing him away. Kissing another man, especially my former partner and the only other man I ever loved, was a huge betrayal of Jasper's trust, even if I didn't initiate the kiss or respond.

Not responding took a lot of willpower, because Cliff's lips moving over mine felt so sweet and familiar. My brain and heart protested, but my body remembered too well the things Cliff's kisses led to in the past, and clearly wanted to go there again. And even though it may have been the fastest way to stop him, I couldn't just shove him away, not when he was in such a fragile state. I was too concerned with the impact such a blatant rejection might have on his obviously bruised self-confidence. I had to handle this with more finesse.

His lips were still moving against me encouragingly, but as I stood in place and forced my own lips to remain static, he finally stopped and opened his eyes. He stared at me, and then his eyes, which had momentarily dried, began to fill with tears again.

"I'm so sorry, Edward. I don't know what... You must hate me!" He tried to pull away but I held on, keeping him right against me.

"I could never hate you, Cliff. I love you and I always will, just not that way. Not anymore. And if you think about it, you don't love me that way either. You don't want this. I'm not the one you want."

He didn't reply, just buried his face into my neck and cried. Feeling completely helpless, and wondering if I was equipped to handle all this alone, I started walking back, pulling Cliff with me towards the bed. When we reached it, I pulled back from him enough to ask him to sit with me.

"Cliff, do you want me to call Seth?" I asked gingerly. "He might offer a more objective perspective than I can."

As I expected, Cliff shook his head in vehement denial. "No. I'll leave if you want me to. But I can't handle Seth. I just can't"

"I don't want you to leave, Cliff," I told him honestly. There was no way I was going to let him out of my sight.

"I should have never left you, Eddie," his still drunken mind must have latched on to my choice of words and ran with it. "I made such a huge mistake. I should have been more patient. We loved each other. If I hadn't let my ego get in the way, we could have still been together. Happy!"

I held him helplessly, wishing I knew how to take away his pain.

"Cliff, Sunshine," I began, but he wasn't listening.

"And I should have listened to everything you said about Derek. I can't believe I've been this stupid."

"Cliff, you haven't been stupid. Derek loves you. And I love Jasper. I always did. That's why you left me, remember? You didn't make a mistake."

"If I'd stayed instead of running away, you would have gotten over him. I should have given you more time. I still love you, Eddie."

I tensed. I wanted to be there for him, to comfort him, but this was a path that could go too far. Hell, it had already gone too far. I couldn't let it go any further. Cliff was far more drunk than I was, so he had an excuse. I might be able to explain the kiss, which I didn't initiate or reciprocate, but anything more would be beyond explanation and forgiveness. If Cliff was suffering from some sort of delusion that there could be anything between us other than friendship, I would have to end the friendship too.

"You love Derek," I reminded him desperately. "You know you do."

"You of all people should know it's possible to love more than one man at a time," he pointed out. At least he didn't deny his feelings for his partner, which I was almost afraid he would.

"You know," he continued, "when we were together and some part of you always wanted Jasper, I thought that was the worst thing that could possibly happen to me. But I was wrong. At least my competition then was someone who loved you and who had treated you well; someone who had let you be you; someone who gave you something back. Now I'm competing with a job. A fucking job that doesn't give anything back and doesn't let Derek be who he really is. I could lose him to that. It's one thing to not be as good as another man. It's another to fall short of a fucking job," he lamented.

"Just because Jasper is the love of my life doesn't mean you're not as good a man as he is," I protested. "Had Jasper and I never met, I would have gladly given you my whole heart and I would have been the luckiest, proudest man to be your life partner. I was so fortunate to have you in my life for as long as I did. I was the one who wasn't good enough for you, not the other way around. As for Derek, you haven't lost him. He hasn't made any decisions yet."

"But he will. He will soon. And I know he'll choose his work. This position is what he's dreamed of since before he and I even met. It's everything he's worked for. Of course he'll take it. And where will that leave me? Alone again. I won't be able to handle that, Eddie. Not again."

I knew it was probably a bad idea, but he was too distraught not to pull him to me. He clung to me tightly, his body wracked with sobs, his tears soaking my shirt. I felt so helpless. I hadn't lied when I told him I loved him. I wasn't in love with him the way I was with Jasper, of course, but I did love him and wanted him to be happy. And as distrustful as I'd been of Derek in the beginning, I grew to believe he loved Cliff as much as I loved Jasper. If that was the case...

"Cliff, listen to me. Derek loves you! I'm sure he loves his career too, and if he can figure out how to take the job and be with you, he'll do that. I'm certain he's trying to figure out how to make that work as we speak. But at the end of the day, if he has to make a choice, I'm sure he'll choose you."

Cliff shook his head from side to side against my shoulder.

"You can't know that, Edward. You don't even know him."

I bristled a little at his words. It was true, I didn't know Derek as well as I might have had I not been such a prick when he and Cliff first started dating. And we hadn't really spent much time together in person. But he and I had spoken more often over the last six months, and I now considered him a friend. And then there was that time he confronted me at Troy's graduation. The things he said to me that day had a whole different meaning now than they did then.

"Cliff, listen to me. Remember when Derek cornered me at Leo's graduation? He told me that day how much he loves you. He told me he'd waited years for you, that he'd been afraid he'd lost you forever, and that it meant everything to him to have you back in his life. He told me he'd never hurt you, and never let you go. He said that you were more important to him than anything else. He told me you were his Jasper."

Hearing Jasper's name only made Cliff cry harder.

"Cliff, please. You know there's nothing I wouldn't do to be with Jasper, especially now that he's back in my life. If Derek feels the same way about you, there's no way he would ever choose a job over you. I do not believe for a moment that he will choose this job over you. But you have to let him make his choice. You have to trust him and give him the opportunity to show you how much he loves you."

"So I just wait?" he sobbed. "I wait while there's a sword hanging over us, ready to cleave us in two, and I let him have all the control? That's what I should do?"

"I know it's hard, Cliff, but if you love him, if you believe he's the one for you, it's the only thing you can do. Think about it. You just said that leaving me and not giving me enough time was a mistake. Don't make the same mistake again. Self-inflicted wounds don't really hurt any less, do they? Whether you walk away from him or he walks away from you, the pain will be the same. Except if you walk away first, you'll always wonder if it was the right thing to do."

His sobs subsided a little and I knew he was listening and thinking.

"I'm scared, Eddie. I'm scared that he doesn't love me as much as I love him."

"I know, Sunshine. But that's a lousy reason to leave someone or to cheat on him."

Cliff froze in my arms, the started crying hard again.

"God, I'm such an asshole. He should leave me. I deserve it after what I did tonight."

I gave myself a hard mental head slap for saying exactly the wrong thing.

"No, Cliff. That's not what I meant. This kiss tonight was nothing. Just a drunken mistake. It doesn't mean anything. You love Derek and I love Jasper and we'll just forget this was anything but two friends talking about their partners, because that's all it is, right?

"Except we haven't even talked about you and Jasper. I can't even imagine what he'll think of me when he finds out..."

"He doesn't need to find anything out because nothing happened, Cliff," I reiterated firmly. "It was an accident. A meaningless slip. And nothing good can come of us making more out of it than it was by telling other people. Let's just forget about it, okay?"

"Okay," He nodded tentatively.

"Look, Jasper will understand us talking tonight, and I'm pretty sure he'll be okay with you staying here, as long as nothing happens. But he had a bad experience with this. One of his exes cheated on him with a guy he'd been dating on and off all his life, and after Jasper broke up with him the guy went right back to the ex, even though the ex was married. So as understanding as he might try to be, I don't know how he would take, well, anything more than us talking and sleeping in the same bed. I don't want to do that to him. I don't want to plant a seed of doubt, because there is nothing for him to doubt. I would never cheat on him. And I know that if you hadn't been drinking as much as you did tonight, you never would have... Anyway, there is no point in telling Jasper and Derek about something meaningless that will only drive a wedge between all of us and possibly force us to give up our friendship."

"You're right," he said with more conviction. "I won't say anything. This was an anomaly and it won't happen again. I couldn't live with myself if what happened tonight damaged your relationship with Jasper, not when he obviously makes you so happy. He's just as you remembered?"

I considered his question for a moment, and then shook my head a little. "He's not the boy I remembered, but he's grown into an even more amazing man. He's more confident, and more cautious, if that makes any sense," I frowned at my inability to explain. "I can tell that he's still holding back a little, but then so am I. I haven't told him about Maggie and the kids. There hasn't been a right time for that whole story, especially since I want to tell him in person. But those are all things that will work themselves out with time. For now, I can't even describe how I feel when I'm with him. It's like we're in some sort of fantasy. That piece of me that has always been missing has finally found its way home."

"I'm glad, Edward. I can feel it. As dumb as it sounds, that's what makes you more attractive than you've ever been. The broken boy is gone. I just wish Jasper was here. I wanted so badly to meet him this weekend."

"I wish he could have been here this weekend to meet you. I know the two of you will like each other when you do meet. You have so much in common."

"I am happy for you, Eddie," he said as he burrowed into my chest. "I'm sorry for dragging you into my drama at a time when you should only be thinking good thoughts about Jasper. It's not fair to impose on you like this."

"Hey," I chastised gently as I began to rock back and forth, our bodies moving together. "I told you I would always be here for you and I meant it. You've hit a rough patch, and I know right now it just feels like you're slipping and sliding without any traction, but that will pass. Derek has a hard choice to make, but I have faith in him and you need to as well. In the meantime, try not to put too much pressure on him. I'm sure he's feeling a lot of it already."

"He is," Cliff confirmed. "I can feel the tension when he is home. I know how heavy this all weighs on him. Edward?" he looked up at me again. "What if he chooses me and then resents me forever because he gave up all his aspirations to be with me?"

"That's why you have to let it be his choice. If he chooses, he can't resent you. And he doesn't have to give up all his aspirations. I'm sure there are places in this country, more urban, progressive places, where he can be out and still do what he does, and where you can do what you do as well."

"Not many," Cliff said darkly.

"Perhaps not, perhaps not today, but things are changing," I reminded him. "It'll be all right," I leaned down to kiss his forehead. "Have faith."

We sat just holding each other. I knew he needed time to process everything and I was more than willing to be there for him for as long as that took. My thoughts, of course, were focused on Jasper. We were both tending to close friends who needed us. His friends' injuries were physical and obvious, but Cliff emotional pain was also very real. I was glad that I had the time and ability to offer him the comfort he needed. As much as I would have wanted Jasper to be there for the wedding, it was almost good that things worked out this way. With him here, I wouldn't have been able to do this for Cliff, and clearly he very much needed it.

"Do you really believe Derek will choose me?" Cliff asked again, his voice small.

"I very much do."

"I shouldn't have left him this weekend," Cliff said regretfully. "I think he suspected that the wedding was just an excuse, that I was actually coming to see you. He tried to hide it, but I could see he was upset. At the last minute he even offered to cancel his dinner with the recruiters and fly out with me, but I turned him down. And then, except for texting him when I arrived in Seattle, I haven't contacted him all day. I can't imagine what he's thinking."

"Call him now," I suggested.

"I can't do that. It's nearly four in the morning in North Carolina. He's fast asleep."

If Cliff was right and Derek was suspicious about Cliff's reasons for coming to the wedding, I doubted very much he was enjoying a good night's rest. And regardless, I was sure he'd want to talk to Cliff. He could always catch up on sleep the next day.

"I'm sure he'll be glad to hear from you, regardless of the time. Go on, give him a call. It will make you both feel better."

Cliff pulled away from me and took out his cell phone. "Are you sure?" he asked and I nodded my affirmation.

"I'll give you some privacy," I told him, getting up to go to the bathroom.

"That's not necessary, Edward. I mean, it's not like we're gonna. . ."

"You do whatever you need to do," I cut him off. "I'm just gonna wash up and change for the night."

Cliff pushed a speed dial without further protest. As I rummaged in my bag to pull out my sleep boxers, I heard him say, quietly "Hey Baby, it's me. I'm sorry I'm calling so late. No, nothing's wrong. It's just the reception is over and I've been thinking about you. I miss you..."

I pulled the bathroom door closed behind me, cutting off his voice. I sighed, a little envious that he could call Derek in the middle of the night without any repercussions. I wanted to call Jasper too, but I knew he was catching up on much needed sleep. Unlike Derek, Jasper wouldn't have the following day to recover from a late-night call. No, much as I wanted to hear his voice, that would have to wait until later.

I took my time in the bathroom, wanting to give Cliff as much privacy as he needed. I drained some of the alcohol I'd imbibed throughout the evening and debated what to wear to bed. I didn't want to make a big deal of it, but the kiss earlier worried me a little. My physical reaction to Cliff was so ingrained after all our time together, I was worried about what might happen at night, when my mind wasn't in control of my body. On the other hand, I didn't want him to fixate on what happened or make it into something bigger than it was. In the end, I decided to shed my tee shirt, but I kept my boxer briefs on and slipped my Mr. Lickey boxers over them, as if the double barrier was somehow the equivalent of an anti-erection superman suit. The idea was so ridiculous I nearly laughed out loud, but I kept both pairs of underwear on anyway. Then I brushed my teeth and washed my face, and sat around for a bit when I ran out of things to do.

Cliff was still talking when I finally emerged, but it would have been too awkward for me to go back into the bathroom, so I walked over to the bed and sat down on my side. Cliff was lying curled up with his back to me, cradling the phone against his ear. When he felt my weight on the bed he flipped to face me.

"Edward's out of the bathroom, Honey. I should let you go to sleep and him as well. I love you and miss you and can't wait to see you later today," he said into the phone, then listened to Derek's response.

"Derek says goodnight," he told me.

"Goodnight, Derek," I said loud enough for him to hear me. "We missed you tonight."

"He says he wishes he could have been here," Cliff relayed.

"Next time, no excuses," I joked, then reached to Cliff in a silent request for the phone. He hesitated, but then said, "I'm going to put Edward on, okay?" and handed me the phone.

"Seriously, Derek, I'm sorry you're not here now, and that I missed you guys when you were here during the summer. I hope we can find a way for the four of us to get together. You and I need to get a fresh start in person, and both you and Cliff need to meet Jasper and he you. As it turned out, he was called away on an emergency, so you wouldn't have been able to meet him this weekend anyway, but we should plan something."

"Why don't you and Jasper come out to visit us here?" Derek posited. "He's already on the East Coast, right? You can meet him in New York and fly down together."

"Thanks, Derek," I said, surprised by his spontaneous and unexpected invitation. "I'll speak with Jasper about it. We may not be able to make it until spring, but we'll definitely consider it."

"Good. And Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you for being there for Cliff tonight. Things have been a little stressful around here this fall and I know he can use your friendship. Take good care of him for me, okay?"

I tried not to let my surprise show so as not to alert Cliff.

"Of course, Derek. Definitely," I said, hoping Cliff couldn't tell by my response what I was talking about. I quickly realized I shouldn't have been so surprised that Derek knew Cliff's mood as well as he did. I was a little taken aback at how much he trusted me, given that I hadn't always supported their relationship. Then I realized his request was a way of letting me know that he knew Cliff was vulnerable, and he expected me to be a friend and nothing more. I admired his gentlemanly approach. Instead of macho threats, he used the power of suggestion infused with some guilt. It was a much more effective motivation mix for me and I started to understand exactly what made Derek so good at his job. The better I got to know Derek the more I liked him, and the more certain I was that my reading of the situation between him and Cliff had been correct.

"I'll talk to you soon, Derek. Goodnight," I said in closing before handing the phone back to Cliff. They spoke for another minute before concluding the call.

"I should have let him fly out here with me," he said quietly. "This would have been a good event to attend together."

"Yes," I agreed, "but there's no point in dwelling on it now. And if he had been here, you and I would not have had a chance to talk. It's all right, Cliff. It's all going to turn out fine."

He nodded, still looking a little doubtful. "Guess I'd better get ready for bed too. Oh," he gasped, looking over at me. "I wasn't expecting to share a room with anyone, so I didn't pack boxers. You wouldn't happen to have an extra pair?"

"No," I said with a frown. "I do have shorts with me, or I guess I could change into my swim trunks and you could wear these."

"Well, I am wearing underwear," he said tentatively. "I was in a suit all day, so..."

"There's no problem then," I replied, puzzled.

"I suppose, but my underwear is not quite as substantial as yours. I mean, you know I'm not a fan of boxers."

I immediately remembered Cliff's underwear fetish and some of the barely there pairs he used to wear for me. I flushed, thinking that my double underwear armor would be no match if he'd chosen to wear one of his net G-strings underneath his suit.

"It's respectable," he added, as if reading my mind. "Just not as substantial."

"I'm sure whatever you're wearing is fine. If you're comfortable, then I'll be too," I said, trying to infuse my voice with confidence.

He sat up and pulled off his tee shirt, then reached for the fly of his jeans. I swallowed, suddenly uncertain if insisting that Cliff stay my room had been a good idea. For the life of me I couldn't picture how his understanding of 'respectable" might translate in underwear. He stood up and pulled down his jeans, revealing a pair of black and white snakeskin print briefs. I was relieved to see that while the print was decorative, the cut of the briefs was fairly utilitarian, without being too high or low for my comfort. I had no problem nodding in answer when Cliff asked if the briefs were okay.

"I'll just go brush my teeth," he said, picking up his clothes and walking to his bag, where he folded them before reaching in for his toiletry kit.

While he was brushing his teeth I arranged for a wake-up call, turned on a bedside lamp, and turned off the main room light. The bed had already been turned down by the hotel staff, so I just lifted the top sheet and cover and got in on my side. Then I reconsidered and shifted to the side Cliff slept on when we were together, thinking the less familiar I could make the experience, the better. Cliff seemed a little taken aback when he exited the bathroom, but then I saw understanding fill his eyes.

"Good thinking," he murmured and joined me, sliding down into a prone position. I turned off the bedside lamp, explaining about the wake-up call.

"I wish we could sleep in late. I'm sure you could use the rest. But you told Emmett we'd go to brunch."

"It's all right," Cliff said. "I'll have time to sleep on the plane."

"Okay. But we should still try to get as much sleep as possible tonight. So, goodnight."

"Goodnight," he echoed and we fell silent. It was strange lying there in the same bed with him again, but on the wrong side and with a chasm of mattress between us. I could hear him breathing and knew he was nowhere near falling asleep. He shifted onto his side to face away from me. Then, a few minutes later, rolled onto his back again with a soft but frustrated grunt.

"You need to stop thinking," I suggested gently. I remembered this behavior from when we lived together. When Cliff was stressed out, his brain went into overdrive and he could toss and turn for hours. Back then I had many ways to distract him, but those options weren't available to us anymore.

"I know," he sighed. "But that's easier said than done. I hate all this uncertainty. And I hate even more that my childish behavior only made an already bad situation worse."

I wrestled internally for a moment, then made an executive decision and slid over, reaching for Cliff, simultaneously turning him onto his side and pulling him to me so his back pressed against my chest.

"Edward?" Cliff's voice was full of surprise and doubt.

"I fell asleep last night holding Emmett because he needed his friends with him. This is no different. Unless it makes you uncomfortable? Do you want me to move back?"

"No," he quickly answered. "I always feel calmer like this. It really helps," he put his arm over mine, clasping our hands together. "Thank you!"

"For what it's worth, I don't think you made the situation worse. Derek needs to know how you feel, and it sounds like before this weekend you were just shutting him out instead of communicating. I remember the helplessness I felt when I was on the receiving end of that. I did all kinds of stupid things just to get your attention, to provoke a reaction, remember? But you never did open up. You just made a decision and left. Now, for you and me that may have been the right end result, because no matter what I couldn't be the man you deserved, but I don't think it would be the right decision for you and Derek. He really loves you."

"I know he loves me, but I'm worried that he doesn't quite love me enough."

"I suppose only you can decide if he loves you enough. All I know is that he loves you as much as I love Jasper, and maybe more."

Startled, he turned his head to look at me. "I don't understand. How can anyone love anyone else more than you love Jasper?"

I took a deep breath. "I've been thinking about what you said earlier, about Derek always taking the easy way out and never fighting for you. At first I thought you might have a point, and that maybe this trip you took out here would finally spur Derek to fight. But after talking to him, I think you and I have it backwards."

"What do you mean?"

"I think that never fighting for you shows that he loves you more, not less."

"Huh?" Cliff turned partially in my arms to see what he could of my face in the dark room.

"I think of all the times I fought to keep Jasper with me, or to get him back, when I should have respected his need for space and his right to make his own decisions, to choose what made him feel happy and secure, even if that meant being away from me. All I had to offer Jasper was my love, but that love came with a lot of baggage that made him miserable. I pursued him anyway, forcing him to reject me. I think the difference between me and Derek was that he always considered your happiness more important than his own. When he saw that you were happy with Gio, and then with me, instead of trying to disrupt your happiness to make things better for himself, he let you go. It takes a very strong man with a lot of willpower to do that."

"But if that's true, why hasn't he come out yet? He must know this secrecy is what's causing the problems between us. Maybe this is the limit? Maybe this is the one thing he won't be able to do to keep us together?"

"I'm not a mind reader, so I have no idea what he knows or doesn't know. He's not a mind reader either, so it's unfair to expect him to know what's making you unhappy if you haven't told him. And as much as I love you, Cliff, I know you don't always tell your partners what you're thinking. Just the opposite. And it's not fair. It's like some sort of a test. You did that to me after you asked me to move in, remember? Thank God I had Seth to help me figure it out then. And later, before the split, you only told me what was bothering you because I forced you to."

"Am I really that awful?" Cliff asked miserably.

"You're not awful. You're just afraid of being hurt. I think it's easier to be disappointed with someone because they didn't guess the problem right, than to tell them what the problem is and have them refuse or be unable to fix things. I think this is your defense mechanism. It was Jasper's too, but I noticed on this trip that he's changed. Before, he never told me things bothered him or called me out on my behavior until he was pushed to the brink and felt he had nothing to lose. Now, he speaks up. I can see it's not easy for him, but he tells me if I'm doing something that makes him uncomfortable. He gives me a chance to change my behavior before it becomes a huge problem."

"So you're saying Derek may not realize his staying in the closet is at the root of our problem?"

"He might suspect that's the root, but have you ever told him? Correct me if I'm wrong, but everything you ever said or did signaled the opposite. When you first got together you told him you understood why he couldn't come out and were fine with it. When I tried to call him out on it you shut me down and stopped communicating with me. That all signaled that you were fine with his behavior. You have a right to change your mind, but you need to tell him that's what's happening."

"I guess maybe he really doesn't understand," Cliff's voice was full of sudden insight. "I can't believe I caused the problem and didn't even realize."

"It's nothing you can't fix," I pointed out. "Very easily, too. All you have to do is sit down and explain why you're feeling the way you are, and then listen to his explanation. The good news is that, unlike my feelings for Jasper, this is not an insurmountable problem. This is the two of you against the outside world, and if you put your heads together I bet you'll be able to find a solution that works for both of you, or at least some sort of a temporary compromise until a solution can be found."

"Edward?"

"Hmm?"

"Nothing, I just wanted to make sure it was still you. That you haven't switched places with Seth when I wasn't looking. You're giving me such excellent advice, I don't think he could have done better. I guess being friends with him all those years has been rubbing off on you," he teased.

"Why you," I didn't finish my thought, preferring to let my tickling fingers convey the message. Cliff began to giggle and squirm, and I quickly stopped the tickling, realizing it probably wasn't a good idea.

"Seriously," he said when he regained his breath. "Thank you so much. I feel so much better. It's easier to hear about all my faults from a good friend who has my best interests at heart."

"I'm glad, and I hope you'll do the same for me if I ever need it."

"I'll do my best Edward. Let's hope it's not necessary, though, right?"

We both laughed.

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"What did Derek say to change your mind?"

I debated for a moment, wondering if I was betraying Derek's confidence. I decided he hadn't told me anything I couldn't repeat. "He told me to take good care of you."

"He did?" Cliff sounded as surprised as I was.

"Yeah. Instead of warning me off, which is probably what I would have done if I learned Jasper was spending the night with one of his exes, he asked me to take care of you. It has to bother him to know you're here with me. He wouldn't be a human if it didn't. And he didn't have to say anything. Even if he didn't want to come across as jealous or over possessive, he could have stayed silent. But he told me to take care of you, instead. Because that's how much he loves you."

"Wow," Cliff whispered.

"Yeah. So when you get back, you need to talk to him, and then the two of you need to figure out how to make things work. You love each other too much to let something like this get between you."

He shifted in my arms and turned to face me. "Thank you for telling me, along with everything else. Maybe I didn't screw up as much as I thought by coming out here."

I pulled him close in an approximation of a hug. "I told you, I think everything will turn out fine," I told him. He nodded against my shoulder and we held each other for a little while longer before he turned around again and we settled in for the night.