Chapter 20

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Chapter 20: From the Moment We Part, I'll be Counting the Days

After the weekend of our dinner with everyone at Benihana, things became a lot easier. Cliff officially became part of the group and we started to spend even more time together, sometimes just the two of us and sometimes with the other members of the gay squadron. Some nights, when both Maggie and Rosalie were home, Cliff would come over for dinner, using the get-togethers as opportunities to teach the three of us how to cook, starting with simple meals and then progressing to more complicated concoctions. After dinner we'd watch movies, or play cards, or board games, the four of us growing quite close.

Other nights we'd go over to Emmett's to hang out with him and Christopher, who by this time had all but moved in down the hall. On rare occasions Seth would join us, though, as good a job as he did of hiding it, I could tell it bothered him that Christopher had managed to harness some of Emmett's attention that had previously been reserved for him. It wasn't jealousy, exactly, at least not a lover's jealousy, but while Christopher and Seth tolerated each other for Emmett's sake, the two of them never developed the kind of close friendship that would be necessary for Seth to fully accept the third man's intrusion into his friendship with Emmett. Always perceptive, Cliff noticed the strained vibe as well, and the two of us spent much time trying to figure out if there was anything we could do to help improve the dynamic between our other three friends, but in the end we always came up short. So we continued to hang out with various iterations of the trio, and hoped time would provide a solution where we could not.

I introduced Cliff to Roger and Yvonne who, as Roger predicted, insisted on having us over to dinner. That turned out to be a fun evening, except for some brief awkward moments when Yvonne railed about intolerant bigots within "our" ranks. Roger had forewarned me that she was hot under the collar and I, in turn, had shared the warning with Cliff, so we'd both been prepared. But it was still something to watch the feisty Latina vocalize her righteous indignation, and I was very glad I hadn't told her and Roger how I used to act before I accepted my homosexuality, lest she make me suffer the slow and painful torture she wished on my former park friends who no longer wanted anything to do with me after they found out I was dating a man.

As I promised Cliff when we were on the mountain, the following Monday, during our regular boys night out, I came out to the park guys. Roger had been spot on with his anticipation of a mixed response. I was glad I had spoken with him in advance, because I was prepared for the negative reactions, though I was still surprised by the sources. For reasons which, in retrospect, seemed incredibly stupid, I had expected the younger guys to be more understanding and tolerant than the old guard. So I was taken aback when Gus, the oldest ranger of all of us, merely shrugged and told me he was glad I found someone, while Chad, a volunteer my age with whom I'd worked quite often and thought of as a good friend, started raging about fags and sin and abomination, sounding remarkably like the old version of me. Evan, a slightly older volunteer, about Roger's age, was less vocal, but his disapproving glare told me all I needed to know. He and Chad left the bar as soon as they realized that the others were not going to exclude me from our group, Chad spouting insults at me and everyone who elected to stay on his way out, garnering an unfortunate amount of attention from the other people at the bar. I was shocked by the amount of hate spewing from him, but what hurt even more than his ignorant remarks was the realization that once upon a time I'd done the same thing to my best friend, as well as Seth and Emmett. Back then it was my intention to hurt them with my words, but now that I was on the receiving end, I knew just how much the things I said must have stung, and I was absolutely horrified and ashamed.

The rest of the park guys fell somewhere in between. A couple of them were uncomfortable, but not enough to leave. Three others were neutral, reserving judgment to see if my declaration had any other repercussions. That was fine with me. I knew I hadn't really changed, so as long as they weren't going to treat me differently, I wasn't going to make any more waves. I offered to stop going out with the group if my presence made the gatherings too awkward, but that offer was soundly rejected by everyone who remained.

"I guess I've never met any homosexuals before," Matt, a ranger who grew up in the south and had only recently been transferred by the National Park Service to Washington from the Little River Canyon National Preserve in Alabama, explained. "I don't really get it, you know? I mean, you're a good looking guy. I bet you could have any girl in here. Why would you give all that up to..." he let the thought trail off, wrinkling his nose in distaste.

"You met Edward before," Roger said, "and if he hadn't said anything tonight you'd still be thinking you never met a homosexual. I bet back in Alabama there are boys just like him, only they don't say anything cause there are more guys like Chad and Evan down there than guys like you, who are at least willing to keep an open mind."

Matt nodded and looked into his beer. "Yup, you're probably right about that. Not sure I'd be so open minded if I was back home either," he admitted. "It's easier to do that up here too."

"As for your question," I offered. "I used to date girls before I realized who I really was, and they never did anything for me. Even if I could have any chick in here, none of them would make me feel the way I do when I'm with Cliff."

"All right, all right," Gus waved his beer in the air. "We don't need to hear the details."

"Yeah, but don't you miss the tits, and the pussies?" Jim, another volunteer my age asked, ignoring Gus. "I mean, shit, there's nothing I like better than to bury my..."

"We're really not interested in your preferences either, Jim," Gus repeated, his voice authoritative and hard, leaving no room for disagreement or discussion. After that everyone quieted and the conversation moved to sports and other subjects, before everyone dispersed the way we usually did. On the way out Roger patted me on the shoulder and told me that the discussion went about as well as it could, and I had to agree, even if Yvonne did not. The following Monday, and each subsequent Monday after that, we met as we always had, less Chad and Evan, and other than no one trying to fix me up with women, my sexuality became pretty much a non-issue. Of course, I hadn't pushed it, hadn't tried to introduce everyone to Cliff, but then I hadn't met most of the guys' wives and girlfriends either, so it wasn't a big deal.

Even when we'd spend evenings during the week together, Cliff and I had an unspoken rule that, except on the weekends, we each slept in our own beds. As much as we truly enjoyed each other's company, we were still getting to know each other, and we agreed that spending more than two nights a week together was probably moving too fast. The fact that our respective therapists agreed and applauded our decision, only helped to reinforce it. And the Friday and Saturday nights we did spend together at Cliff's place provided plenty of opportunities to engage in lovemaking vigorous and frequent enough to more than offset the weeknight abstinence.

The only exception we made all term was for my birthday, which we celebrated a few weeks early. Cliff requested that I reserve the same night as the day of my actual birthday, a Wednesday, for him. I protested, telling him that my birthday wasn't a big deal, but he would have none of it.

"I know everyone makes a big deal about the 21st birthday," he said, "But 21 won't get you anything you don't already have with your fake ID, and 2 decades of life is something to celebrate. Besides, it's the first birthday we get to celebrate together, so that alone makes it special. And don't worry," he added, "It'll be very low key, just the two of us, nice and quiet and intimate."

And so it was. Cliff got me a very simple and tasteful flower arrangement, which he used as the centerpiece for the dinner he cooked for us, from scratch, of course. He closed the blinds to darken the room, put on soft music and we relaxed as we ate, the table illuminated with flickering candlelight. He didn't let me help clean up after dinner, or even take any dishes to the kitchen, doing everything himself and emerging first with the coffees, and then holding a birthday cake decorated simply with a happy birthday sign and 21 flaming candles.

"One for good luck," Cliff shrugged at my questioning raised eyebrow. "Go on, make a wish!"

I smiled at him, took a deep breath and was about to blow the candles out when a thought of Jasper came into my head, a memory of another birthday, my 14th, and a hostess cake he managed to cram 15 candles into, nearly dropping the thing and potentially setting his room on fire after he got all the candles lit. More than anything I wished for him to come back. I shook my head, startled. It would have been so inappropriate for me to make that particular wish at this time. And yet in the back of my head I wondered if I wasted this opportunity, if I wished for something else, would it make a difference? Or was it all just a bunch of superstitious nonsense? Wishes never really did come true, did they?

"Is everything all right?" Cliff asked with mild concern. I looked over at him, the beautiful, caring guy who had just gone so far out of his way to make my birthday special. I couldn't repay this kindness by wishing for the return of someone else. I reached over to take his hand.

"Everything's fine, Sunshine. I just realized I want us to do this together."

It wasn't a lie, just not the complete truth, and the pang of guilt I felt when I saw the smile spreading over his face was quickly replaced by gladness at making him happy.

"Yeah? You want to share your wish?"

"Sure. I want to share all sorts of things with you tonight," I dropped my voice suggestively.

"Ah, well," he replied, dropping his voice as well. "Then we seem to be on the same wavelength."

We blew out the candles together as I very carefully kept my mind blank. We ate the cake, which turned out to be a delicious dark chocolate layered with lemon buttercream and raspberry fillings, feeding each other. When we were done Cliff pulled me into the living room, where several attractively wrapped presents were arranged on the coffee table.

"Cliff, You didn't have to. . ."

"Just open them already!" he ordered, cutting off my protest. He handed me the first present and I opened it obediently, finding a book on climate change I hoped to read over the summer. I thanked him with a kiss and opened the next few presents: a shirt, a flash card loaded with MP3s of our favorite songs. The last present was small and light, and obviously made him nervous.

"The other presents are to share with the public," he explained. "This one is hopefully just for me."

Curious, I ripped open the wrapping and took the lid of the smallish box. I paused at what I saw inside, hesitating before I reached in and withdrew a scrap of sheer black fabric that was even smaller than the boxer briefs I got from Maggie and Rosalie.

"Ummmm," I didn't quite know what to say as I held up what some people might very euphemistically refer to as garment. "What do you suggest I do with this?"

Cliff initial grin turned into a leer. "I suggest you put it on and let me take it off you."

I looked at the tiny bit of material skeptically. "Cliff, this is way too small. There's no way I'm going to fit"

"Oh?" Cliff arched a brow. "That would be too bad. I sure would hate for you to grow out of your new bikini," the words indicated regret, but his tone was the exact opposite, "right on the very first night you wear it. But maybe it's more elastic than it looks? Why don't you try it on and see?"

I looked at the bikini again, then back at him. I shook my head. This was definitely going way beyond my comfort zone, but the hopeful anticipation on Cliff's face made it impossible for me to do anything other than what he asked. I leaned over and kissed him, thanking him for all my presents, and then rose, bikini in hand, and headed for the bathroom. Once there I took off my clothes and considered myself in the mirror for a second. I still had a decent body, I decided. I wasn't as muscular as I had been back when I played football, but I worked out most mornings and kept in good shape. I had no reason to be embarrassed to walk into the bedroom in next to nothing, especially since I knew Cliff would enjoy it. Still, the little black panties - there really was no other word for Cliff's birthday present - intimidated the hell out of me. I held them up, noting they were made of sheer fabric that would leave nothing to the imagination and that the sides, instead of elastic, were tied together with long fabric ties. I took a deep breath and slipped one and then my other leg into the bikini, pulling it up over my knees. All this was much too reminiscent of the speedos I struggled with right after I got out of the hospital, and I chuckled remembering how, at the time, I thought those were indecent. The speedos were a model of modesty considering the scrap of nothing I was attempting to put on now.

I quickly discovered that the bikini was tied much too closely for a guy to actually wear. I considered what I should do. Untying both sides seemed unwise, so I decided to adjust one side at a time. I pulled open the tie on the left side, pulled the bikini up so it was relatively in place, and re-tied the side laces. I adjusted my goods in the front pouch and made sure that the back was evenly distributed across my ass, though it barely covered half of each cheek, before re-tying the laces on my right hip. I stood back and looked in the mirror to see the overall effect. It was nothing I would have ever bought for myself and the whole thing screamed gay, but then that's what I was, and I knew Cliff would approve of the way my stirring cock filled out the sheer pouch. I turned around and looked over my shoulder to check out my ass, flexing my cheeks in a fit of vanity, which then caused me to break out into a giggle. Yeah, I decided, I could work with these.

I opened the door to the bedroom to find Cliff, wearing only his jeans, reclined against the headboard with one leg on the bed and the other hanging casually off. He sat up as I walked into the room, the appreciative expression on his face giving me a boost of self-confidence. I walked three quarters of the distance towards the bed, and then turned around slowly.

"So, what do you think?" I asked him with what I hoped was a sexy smile over my shoulder, noting that he was sitting on the edge of the bed now, both feet planted on the ground.

"Turn around," he ordered, his voice husky. He stood up and walked towards me as I complied, slipping to his knees right in front of me.

"Wow," he breathed. "You look even better than I imagined." He wrapped his arms around me to grab my ass and pushed my crotch into his face, rubbing it against my rapidly hardening dick.

"Yeah," I decided to tease him, "I know you said you hoped these would be just for you, but I think there might be lots of others who'd want to see me like this."

He looked up at me, his eyes narrowed in a glower, his chest rumbling with a growl. "I'm glad you decided to share that thought," he said, his voice slightly menacing. "Because now that I know your intentions, these will never leave this room. And I might not let you ever leave this room either," he added before pressing his face into my cock again, wrapping his lips around the sheer fabric stretched over my turgid shaft.

"You'd keep me prisoner here?" I asked, my voice slightly strangled as I felt myself growing harder, feeling his lips and tongue massage my balls through the material.

"Mm hmm," he hummed his affirmation, then leaned back to look up at me. "My own personal sex slave, here to serve my every need. It has a nice ring to it, don't you think?" he returned to nuzzling at my balls, taking the right one into his mouth, fabric and all.

"I thought you liked the thought of me as a park ranger? The NPS will never hire me if I stay here all the time."

"You do have a point there," he admitted as he moved his mouth off me and kissed his way to my right hip. "I love the thought of my sexy ranger Cullen, coming home all hot and sweaty and uniformed after working all day on the mountain," he grasped one of the side laces between his teeth and pulled, releasing the simple knot. The fabric, already strained by my engorged cock and balls, sprang loose. Cliff yanked at the lace on the other side with his hand, releasing that knot as well, and tore off the bikini entirely, tossing it aside. "I suppose I'll just have to settle for confiscating those, to make sure no one but me ever sees you looking this hot!"

He ran his tongue along the underside of my erection, swirling it along the head when he reached the top. "Happy Birthday, Eddie," he purred before he surrounded my head with his lips. All I could do was pant as I watched my rod disappear, inch by inch, into his hungry mouth and down his throat.

The rest of the term passed quickly, and before we knew it, finals week was upon us. Sadly, we hardly saw each other that week, absorbed in studying for what, for me at least, was the most challenging set of final exams yet. This was Emmett, Seth and Christopher's last term, so in addition to studying, they were all getting ready to host their families, who were traveling in for graduation. Even though his last final was Thursday, Cliff stayed in town to attend the ceremonies and the joint celebratory dinner. We met Emmett's mom and grandmother, as well as his younger brother Carson and his girlfriend, Sonja, who all flew in from Minnesota. Seth's older sister, Leah, flew in from Indianapolis, though there was no sign of his parents, nor any explanation of their absence. Christopher's family was from Olympia, so they all drove in, except for his older sister, Julia, who flew in from Chicago, where she worked in the archives of the Chicago Historical Society. With the graduates needing to take care of many last minute details, Cliff and I offered our chauffeur and tour guide services to the out of town guests, distracting them with visits to the Space Needle and the Aquarium while our friends ensured that all the fees were paid and credits accounted for so they could receive their diplomas.

By the time the celebration dinner was over Saturday night, Cliff and I were both exhausted, and we tumbled into bed with barely enough strength to disrobe and spend the night in each other's arms. It was frustrating, because it was our last night together for quite some time, though we certainly made up for it the following morning, before Cliff packed up his clothes and loaded up his car for his drive home to Spokane, to spend the summer at home with his parents.

Returning home for the summer had been Cliff's plan ever since he decided to come back to school winter term. After we met and started dating, as our relationship grew more serious, he talked about changing his plans to stay in Seattle, but I vetoed that idea. This would be his last summer before graduation, potentially the last summer he could spend with his parents, and with Wenn gone I couldn't stand in the way of their time together. Not only that, Cliff also had a good summer job waiting for him at a local Spokane radio station that one of Gio's dads had helped him secure, and it didn't make sense for him to pass up that opportunity just to stay in Seattle and do nothing, especially since I had a very busy summer planned as well. After a series of applications and interviews, I had been fortunate to secure a paid internship at the mountain through the Student Conservation Association. The internship, together with my volunteering and summer classes, was going to take up the bulk of my time. Even if Cliff were in town, at best I'd only be able to see him some evenings and weekends, not enough to make changing his plans worthwhile. So while we dreaded the separation, we had both mentally prepared to spend our summer apart, vowing to take full advantage of our unlimited mobile call and text plans until he returned in the fall. So after a particularly hot yet sweet lovemaking session that Sunday morning, I helped Cliff carry his things to the car, and he dropped me off at my apartment, before starting his five hour drive back to eastern Washington.

After his car disappeared from view I walked back upstairs, not at all excited at the prospect of a busy but lonely summer. Two weeks before, Cliff and I talked about how the summer would go. He actually looked me in the eye and, with a completely straight face, told me that he would understand if I wanted to see other guys while he was gone. A solid punch to the gut would not have taken away my breath any more effectively. I stared at him, completely shocked, without a clue how to respond. He and I were together. I didn't want to see anyone else. I may have officially come out, I may have allowed myself to kiss him outside the HUB or to walk across campus holding his hand, I may have even noticed and commented every once in a while that another guy was attractive, but the thought of seeing any guy other than him never once occurred to me. I was perfectly happy with what we had. I knew I'd miss him over the summer, but I also knew I could take care of the basic needs myself until he returned in the fall. And I thought he felt the same way. So when he said what he said I was thrown, hard. There was only one reason I could think of why he would suggest that I should see other guys.

"Are you going to...? I mean, do you want to see other guys while you're gone?" I asked tentatively. We never really talked about being exclusive, it was just assumed. We spent so much time together, there was no way to see other people. I never thought of him as an 'out of sight, out of mind" kind of guy, but that had just been an assumption. He was going home. He said that there weren't any other openly gay guys in his high school, but that didn't mean that there were no prospects for him in Spokane now. And there was that kid he fooled around with before Gio. Maybe he was going to be home for the summer too? "Do you have someone in mind already? Maybe..." I searched my mind for the guy's name, "Derek, was it?"

"What? No!" he looked genuinely surprised, filling me with relief. "Of course I don't have anyone in mind. Not Derek, not anyone. I'm not looking for a summer fling. I'm not that kind of a guy."

"And I am?" I didn't know if I should be hurt or angry, so I settled for a mix of the two as I turned away.

"No. Hey," he put his hand on my shoulder. "That came out wrong. That's not what I meant."

"What did you mean, then?" I looked at him pointedly. I knew I was putting him on the spot, but whether he intended to or not, he'd hit below the belt.

"I...," he hesitated. "I don't know."

"Sure you do," I insisted. "I know you, Cliff. You didn't just think of that at the last minute. You knew exactly what you were going to say and why. So why don't you just tell me? If you don't want to see anyone else, why would you think I do?"

"I didn't say I thought you wanted to," he protested. "I just said I'd understand it if you did. You just came out officially a few months ago and now the only guy you've really been with is leaving for months. You're a young guy. You have urges. You may want to see what it's like with others and if you do, I don't want you to feel like I'd stand in the way. And I don't want you to think you have to lie to me. And I really don't want to come back and find out about it from someone else."

And then I understood. At one point I had told him what I used to be like back when I slept with women. He must have thought I'd behave the same way now that I was comfortable with the idea of having sex with men, that I wouldn't be able to abstain for months. And if he gave me permission first, it would be his choice. I wouldn't be cheating on him.

"Cliff," I turned around and took him in my arms. "We're both practically the same age. We both have urges. I can control mine as well as you can control yours." Though he allowed me to hold him, he kept his face tucked into my shoulder. "Sunshine, look at me, please!" I implored. Slowly, he turned his face up, his eyes glittering with a still contained layer of moisture. "I don't want to be with anyone else but you. This summer is gonna be long and it's gonna suck, but if you can make it, so can I. In the fall, we'll just pick up right where we left off. And in the meantime, we can improvise. We both have webcams on our laptops," I wiggled my eyebrows suggestively and he finally cracked a small smile.

"You're gonna put on shows for me?" he asked quietly.

"I was hoping we'd put on shows for each other," I said, lowering my head to kiss him.

Later, after we were lying naked in his bed, our post-coital breathing finally normal, he apologized for being an idiot. I kissed him to silence him.

"Don't apologize," I said. "But from now on, if there's something on your mind just tell me or ask me, okay?"

"Okay," he said with a nod and curled up against my side. "I'm gonna hate this summer," he murmured.

"Me too." I agreed.

The summer did turn out to be really busy, and lonely, and long. In the evenings, Cliff and I burned up the phone lines and put on more than our fair share of webcam shows for each other, but it was all a poor substitute for being able to hug him or kiss him or having his body draped over mine at night. During the day we texted as often as our various activities allowed, but even though it was probably only as much as we would have been able to do if we had both been in Seattle, it somehow didn't seem like enough. I missed Cliff, a hell of a lot. Summer without him brought back memories of every summer I spent missing Jasper, and there were plenty of days when I found myself thinking about them both. Of course, there wasn't much to think about when it came to Jasper. Eight months after my disastrous trip to Rochester and he still hadn't been in touch with either Seth or Emmett, much less me. We had no way of knowing if he was all right or not, we could only hope for the best. So my thoughts of him had to consist of high school memories, the happier times before I managed to mess everything up between us. I tried to avoid even those and concentrate on Cliff, but my brain seemed to have a mind of its own.

A few weeks into the summer things got marginally better, when my personal misery got some unexpected company. Christopher, who had fruitlessly been searching for a job in Seattle since well before graduation, finally applied for a job in Chicago and received an offer. With student loans looming and the ability to crash at his sister's place for free while he found more permanent, affordable living arrangements in Chicago, Christopher had no choice but to take the job and move. Emmett, who had been working at the design firm he'd interned at the previous summer, put on a brave front while Christopher was still in town, but fell into a deep funk almost from the moment the Chicago-bound plane lifted off the runway. Seth did his best to console Emmett, but as lukewarm as he felt about Christopher, I could tell his heart wasn't really in it. I tried to remind Emmett that the relationship wasn't over, that he and Christopher didn't break up, that there were phones and e-mails and web cams and planes, but he just shook his head.

"We hadn't been dating long enough to make a long distance thing work," he said. "We haven't even figured out if we loved each other yet. I mean, everything was going great, we were heading in the right direction, but now..." he buried his face in his hands.

"Hey, Cliff's been gone for a while now too, and we're making the long distance thing work. Come on, you and me, we're in the same boat. We can help each other stay afloat, right?"

Emmett looked at me sadly. "We're not quite in the same boat, are we? You know exactly how long you have to paddle before you reach the shore. And if worst came to worse, Cliff's only a five hour drive away. Chicago's a lot further than that, and it's not like he went out there for the summer."

"Em, come on," I said bumping his shoulder with mine. "I know the situation is not optimal, but it's not like you to give up before even giving it a shot. Christopher isn't ready to throw in the towel, right? Just try it and see what happens. What do you have to lose?"

I was trying to be supportive, but I was being selfish too. It helped to have Emmett in the same situation I was in. We ended up hanging out and commiserating together quite often. In fact, Friday nights were the only nights we didn't do stuff together, as those were reserved for Cliff. Maggie and Rose were usually out, either at one of Maggie's receptions or out to dinner, and Cliff's parents had a standing bridge arrangement with their neighbors down the block, which meant that on those evenings we could both turn on the webcams and do whatever we wanted without having to worry about being overheard. Not that we ever did anything particularly exotic - just the standard dirty talk, with the added bonus of being able to watch each other as we jerked off. Still, it was great to have the freedom to do that without having to whisper or hold back, so Fridays were definitely my favorite nights.

One Friday in early August, I was particularly ready for our session. For a few days that week I'd been put in charge of a group of high school seniors working on re-building a road that had been washed out by spring floods. Rebuilding roads meant hard physical labor, which meant that the majority of the volunteers were guys, and many of them happened to be well built and good looking. I doubted any of them were gay, and even if they were I wouldn't have done anything, considering my age, supervisory position, and the promise I made Cliff before he left for Spokane. But I wouldn't have been human if I didn't have any reaction to all those boys, their sweat-soaked shirts clinging to their torsos, their muscles flexing and relaxing as they dug and lifted materials, their glutes straining the fabrics of their shorts as they bent over to complete their construction tasks... Yeah, I wasn't in the market to buy, but that didn't mean I couldn't enjoy window shopping, and that week the displays had been particularly appealing. So by the time Friday rolled around, I was really ready to "see" Cliff, even if it couldn't be in person.

I had set up my laptop in the usual place on the nightstand, far enough away from where I would be on the bed to give him a good view of everything that I was doing, but still close enough to make me more than a speck on his screen and, more importantly, to let me see him on mine. The disadvantage of this particular arrangement was that I had to make myself comfortable at the foot of the bed, instead of against my headboard, but that problem was easily offset of with a few strategically placed pillows. At the appointed hour everything was arranged. My baby oil bottle was nearby and ready for use, as was a towel for clean-up; I'd shed my clothing, except for the black lycra boxer briefs with a zipper front pouch that Cliff got for me and seemed to enjoy watching me unzip; and I had my stereo bluetooth headset on, having already said goodbye to Maggie and Rosalie, who would be leaving for the evening momentarily. Reclining comfortably against the pillows, I logged into my on-line account and pressed the button to connect to Cliff. A moment later I saw his face taking up the bulk of my screen. He pursed his lips together in a kiss directed straight at the camera.

"How nice," I commented, adjusting on the bed and moving closer to the laptop cam to return the favor. "What did I do to deserve this special greeting?"

"You didn't have to do anything," he said. "I just really missed you this week. We're only halfway through the summer and I'm already going insane."

"I know, Sunshine, I know. I've resorted to watching the children working on road restoration in the park."

"Children?" he furrowed his brow. "What are you talking about?"

"The high school senior boys working on their summer conservation project," I explained breezily, wanting to be honest without making a big deal.

"High school senior boys, huh? That's not exactly what I call children," he said with slightly narrowed eyes. I lowered my head for a second in an effort to hide my smile. I did enjoy making him just a little bit jealous, only because his reaction was so cute. But I was also quick to reassure him.

"They're children compared to my man. Did I mention that I have a very hot, mature older boyfriend?"

"No, do I know him?" he played, and then pretended to do a double take. "Oh, wait! Are you calling me an old man?" the twinkle in his eye belied the hint of outrage in his voice.

"Never," I protested. "You're not too old and not too young. You're just right for me."

"I am, huh, Bronzielocks?" he teased. "Anything else about me just right?"

"Well," I settled back on the bed and contemplated. "Your eyes are just right and your lips are just right."

"That's all you can think of?" he asked with a small pout.

"That's all I can see at the moment. Maybe you'd like to sit back a little and give me something else to evaluate?"

"Are you in the house alone?" he asked, imitating a slightly sinister tone.

I looked back to the bedroom door. I hadn't heard the apartment door slam shut, which mean the girls probably hadn't left yet, but one glance at the clock told me they'd be gone any minute.

"Not yet, but I'm sure I will be soon. The girls have dinner reservations in fifteen minutes and it takes at least 10 to get there. Besides, we already said our goodbyes and they know I'm talking to you, so they won't interrupt."

"Okay," he accepted and moved away, crawling across his bed away from the camera, giving me a tantalizing view of his ass, fully on display in the cheetah print G-string he chose to wear for the call. One thing I hadn't realized when I brought over the boxer briefs Maggie and Rosalie purchased for me last Christmas, was that I was quite inadvertently stumbling onto Cliff's little fetish. Apparently my boyfriend had quite a thing for funderwear, the slinkier and more revealing the better, and he had quite a stash of them back home that he hadn't felt the need to bring to Seattle with him the past winter, but that he assured me would be in his luggage come fall.

"That G-string is exactly right," I told him in a tight voice, "And that ass of yours is just perfect! God, Sunshine, I miss your ass. I miss squeezing your cheeks and parting them and slipping my hard, long cock inside you."

He wiggled his ass at the camera while looking back over his shoulder, undoubtedly watching exactly what he was doing to me. I reached for the zippered pouch of my briefs and started to stroke myself through the fabric.

"I miss your cock inside me, Eddie," he sighed. "Unzip those briefs and let me see it!" he ordered as he flipped over and lay back on his bed, palming the front of his bulging pouch. I reached for the ring pull on the zipper in the front of my briefs, a bit hesitant, cognizant that I still wasn't alone in the apartment, but just then I heard the outer door slam shut and breathed a sigh of relief. No longer caring about being quiet or having to listen for others, I turned up the volume on my headset to hear every nuance of Cliff's breathy overtures.

"You want to see my cock?" I asked, tracing the outline of my erection with my finger. "Should I pull this down?" I played with the zipper pull, tugging it down less than half an inch.

"Yeah, pull down that zipper," Cliff breathed as he stroked himself through the G-string fabric with one hand, while running the other over his chest. "Show me that big cock I've been thinking about so much."

I tugged at the zipper slowly, until it was finally all the way down and the sides of the lycra pouch flapped open, my hard dick springing up from its confinement.

"Ahhh," Cliff leaned in to get a closer look at his display. "You're so hot. God, I wish I was there!"

I shifted to my knees and moved closer to the camera, knowing my dick would now be featured in the center of his display. I grabbed the oil bottle and poured some out, then started stroking. "Tell me what you'd do if you were here" I requested.

It was his turn to get back up to the camera. He slowly and deliberately licked his lips, now larger than life on my display, and then opened his mouth as he pulled forward and back away from the camera in a simulated head bob. I closed my eyes and pumped my hand over my hard shaft, pretending that my fist was his mouth.

"I'd wrap my lips around you, Eddie, and take you all the way down my throat. And then I'd hold you there until I nearly ran out of oxygen."

I sat back on my heels and leaned back, supporting myself with my left arm while I stroked with my right hand.

"Jesus, Sunshine, you're so good at that. Tell me what else you'd do."

"Um Eddie?" Cliff's voice sounded slightly urgent, but I didn't open my eyes to see what he was doing.

"Yeah, Sunshine? Tell me more, what would you do with my hard cock if you were here."

"Eddie, Seth!"

I opened my eyes in surprise. What the fuck did Seth have to do with all this? "Um, Cliff, I'm really not into threesomes, especially with..."

"No, Edward, Seth!" his voice was very urgent now. "He's in your room, right behind you!"

"What?" I whipped my head around to look behind me and, sure enough, there stood Seth, beer in hand, laughing his stupid little ass off. Furious, I let go of my cock and ripped the headset off my head, turning it off so that Cliff could hear what was going on and so Seth and I could both hear him over the laptop speakers.

"Seth, are you out of your Goddamn mind? What the fuck are you doing here? How long have you been standing there? How the hell did you get in?" I ranted as I hastily tucked myself back into my briefs and pulled up the zipper, my rapidly deflating penis making the task easier than it would have been moments before.

Seth was still giggling like mad, nearly bent in half. "Oh. My. God." he choked out. "Too much! Too much!" he stomped his foot and slapped his thigh as he kept laughing. "But don't stop on my account. I want to see that thing go off!"

"Seth," I seethed. "Either answer my questions or get out before I toss your ass out the goddamn window."

"Well, let's see," Seth paused to take a swallow of his beer and tried to stifle another fit of giggles. "I'm enjoying a damn good live porn show. I've been here long enough to see all the good stuff - nice G-string, by the way, Cliff. And the girls let me in on their way out tonight. I stopped to get this," he held up the beer bottle, "and then I knocked, but you must not have heard me. The girls said you were here so I figured I'd just come in. And boy, am I glad I did. You two are quite the kinky pair, aren't you? I'm impressed! And I love it!"

"Great, Seth, whatever. How long were you just gonna lurk back there and not say anything if Cliff hadn't seen you?" I was still royally pissed for having my evening with Cliff interrupted, and Seth's amusement only fueled my anger.

"Well, I saw your instrument very clearly, Edward, but I was waiting for Cliff to take off his G-string to see what he's got. I mean, that pouch looks nicely filled out, but how big are you, anyway, Cliff? And are you cut or whole, like me and Edward?"

"Oh for fuck's..." I huffed, exasperated. "That is so none of your business! That's it. Get the hell out of my apartment, Seth, and the next time you knock on this door, stay the fuck out unless you're invited in. You little perv!

I looked at the screen to see how Cliff was taking all of this. At least he hadn't taken off his G-string yet. Thank God for small favors. Still, this had to be as uncomfortable for him as it was for me. I saw that he was sitting close enough to the laptop to be seen only from the waist up. His expression was hard to read, but he didn't seem angry. If anything, he seemed frustrated, and sad.

"Come on, guys, don't be mad," Seth tried to appease us, perhaps getting a glimpse at Cliff's face as well. "You would have done the same thing if you'd been me."

"Probably not, Seth," Cliff said dryly. That seemed to sober up Seth more than my anger.

"All right, I apologize. Maybe I went too far. It was just the heat of the moment kind of thing, you know? And damn, you guys were hot, even with being only able to hear one side of the conversation. But that's not why I came here, of course."

"Why did you?" I asked, still hostile.

"Emmy's moping, and he seems worse than usual. He and Christopher usually talk on Friday nights, but tonight one of Christopher's new buddies had a birthday or something, so Christopher is out at some bar and Emmett is miserable. I was hoping you and I could take him out somewhere, help to cheer him up."

"Oh, shit, Seth. You know I would, but Friday nights are for Cliff..."

"It's all right, Edward," Cliff said. "Emmett needs you. You should go."

"But," I hesitated. I owed Emmett my life. He had always been there for me. I should try to do what I could to make him feel better. But I also owed Cliff my time. We didn't get opportunities like this often. Fuck!

"Seth, give us a few minutes to talk, OK?" Cliff asked. "Edward will be at your place in a little while."

Seth looked at the screen and then at me. "Okay," he said simply. "I am sorry for interrupting, guys," he threw in apologetically as he was closing my door. I snatched up the headset and turned it on again.

"He's not at all sorry," I growled. "Damn it, Sunshine!"

"It's all right, Edward. He's just worried about Emmett. Em must be pretty bad if Seth can't cheer him up by himself. You should go."

"But what about us? I was really looking forward to this call. Maybe we could still... I mean it wouldn't have to delay us too much."

Cliff arched his eyebrow. "Are you really in the mood right now?"

I looked away. "No, not really," I admitted. "But now we'll have to wait a whole other week."

"We could talk tomorrow," he suggested.

"With your parents home and Maggie and Rose in the next room here? How's that gonna work?"

"So we'll wait a week. I don't like it either, but we'll survive. This is important."

"Are you sure, Babe? I care about Emmett, a lot, but you are my priority."

"That's really sweet, Edward," I could tell by the tone of his voice I managed to say the exact right thing. "But I'm sure. Go cheer up your friend. We may not be able to do all this tomorrow night, but we can still talk. In fact, call me tonight when you get in, no matter how late, okay?"

I was about to protest, but I caught a look in his eye that showed me how important it was to him to know that I was home safe, so instead I said "I will, Sunshine. Hopefully it won't be too late."

After we hung up, I got dressed and went over to Emmett and Seth's. The little guy was right to be concerned. As always, Emmett tried to put on a brave and happy front, but he was in pretty rough shape. He didn't want to do anything, but we dragged him out anyway. We didn't do anything fancy, just shot some pool at the Blue Eyed Dog, but at least he didn't spend the evening home, staring at the phone. By the end of the night I thought he actually felt a little better, but on the way home, beer loosening his tongue, it became obvious that the improvement in his mood had only been temporary.

"This is worse than being alone, I think," he said. "At least when I was alone I wasn't missing anyone. If I wanted to, I could have gone out to try to meet someone. But this, this, limbo - it's terrible. It's like being in a relationship with a ghost. He's there, but not really, do you know what I mean?"

My thoughts should have drifted to Cliff. That would have been natural. But my brain, as if it only had one functioning synapse, automatically jumped to Jasper. I knew very well what it was like to always think about a man who wasn't really there, even though sometimes I felt his presence as keenly as if he were standing next to me. I didn't say anything. I just put my arm around Emmett's shoulder in an attempt to comfort him, as Seth slipped his arm around Emmett's waist.

"Do you want to end it?" I asked him tentatively after a while. He responded with a vigorous shake of his head.

"No, I'm not a quitter. As long as he's willing to give this long distance thing a shot, so am I. It's just," he paused. "Sometimes it's almost like I feel us drifting apart. But maybe it's just me feeling sorry for myself. He has to build a whole new life over there. He doesn't have friends in Chicago like I have you guys here. He has to go out and meet people so he has some support too."

I didn't know what to tell him. Despite what I said earlier in the summer about him and me being in the same boat, Cliff wasn't going out and meeting new people in Spokane. He spent most of his time with his parents or Bruce and Tyrone, on occasion seeing a friend from high school. Mostly, though, we were both just in a holding pattern, waiting for the summer to be over and for him to come back.

"Just give it a little time, Em," I offered. "Once he settles into a routine and meets some people, his schedule will even out, and you guys can set up a more permanent calling and visiting schedule."

"Yeah, I'm sure you're right," Emmett sighed. The entire time Seth held Emmett supportively, but said nothing.

I was scheduled to work both Saturday and Sunday on the mountain, and I knew that I'd enjoy my weekend there, but missing the Friday night call with Cliff put me out of sorts and left me feeling sorry for myself most of Saturday. That was until I reported to the ranger station at the end of my shift and found him waiting for me.

"Cliff?" I couldn't believe my eyes. Not caring who was around to see, I pulled him into my arms and kissed him fiercely, only letting him go after a few minutes, when we were both breathless. "What are you doing here?"

"I told you I was going insane without you, and last night didn't help, so I decided I couldn't wait 'till the end of the summer. I needed to see you now."

"But... how?"

"I just got in the car and drove. It's really not that far. I mean, I couldn't do it every weekend, but once a summer, it's not that big of a deal."

"Okay, wow!" I still couldn't believe he was actually there. I pulled him into my arms again, this time just to hug him tightly. "But damn, I have to work all day tomorrow, so we only have a little time tonight."

"Nope," he shook his head with a smile.

"What do you mean, no?" I was confused.

"After we hung up last night and I came up with this plan I called Roger, and he found someone else to take your shift tomorrow. He also found a cancellation at one of the campgrounds and brought up his camping gear, and I've got some extra clothes and toiletries for you. So if you're game, we can go camping tonight, and tomorrow I won't have to leave until the afternoon."

I stared at him, mouth agape.

"You did all that for us? Since last night?"

"Well, I called Roger about your shift. The camping was his idea. I wouldn't have been able to do that without him. And if you don't want to camp, we can go back to Seattle or find a hotel. . ."

"No," I protested. "Oh, my God! This is fabulous. A night with you up here under the stars? Are you fucking kidding me? That is awesome! Wow, I will seriously owe Roger for this one."

Cliff smiled again. "Yeah, me too. I was thinking we'd set them up with a date night and throw in babysitting services. You think that would be enough?"

I crinkled my forehead. "I think that would be great, but shit, Ren's still a baby, you know. Diapers and bottles and all that? What the hell do we know about stuff like that?" Cliff merely shrugged.

"I'm sure Yvonne can teach us. It'll be good practice for your nephew, right?"

"Oh, Sunshine. You are so much braver than I am. But okay. If you're game and she trusts us enough to go for it, I guess I'm in. Now, where is the camping gear and which campground are we at? Oh, and I should call Maggie to let her know I'll be spending the night up here, with you."

"Already taken care of," he said with a big grin, obviously pleased with all the plans he'd put together, as well he should have been.

We drove to the parking lot nearest to the campground, took Roger's equipment out of Cliff's car, hiked out to the camp site and set up our tent. Roger made sure we had everything we needed for the weekend, and Yvonne even packed food. It was perfect. After we had everything set up, we went on a hike together and found a spot remote enough that I was sure gave us enough privacy to fool around a little, albeit quickly. Fortunately, not having seen each other for over 6 weeks, neither one of us was much interested in delayed gratification. That came after dark, when we made love in the tent with starlight streaming in through the tent window, and the following morning, when we woke to the first rays of sunlight breaking through the same, still uncovered window. We had barely 24 hours together, but it was the best 24 hours of the summer, and it made me long for his return that much more.

By the time mid-September rolled around, I was chomping at the bit to see Cliff again. Emmett and I had made a fine mopey pair, so much so that Seth, exasperated with the both of us, suggested that we fuck each other just to relieve the tension. Needless to say, we ignored his suggestion, but I couldn't deny that I was counting days if not hours until the start of Fall term. Poor Emmett had to wait even longer, until Columbus Day, which was when Christopher was finally able to take a couple of days off to fly back to Washington for a long weekend.

I didn't know what to do on the day Cliff was due to drive back from Spokane, so I went the corny route and got him a plush Marmot from the park gift shop. Around its neck I tied a black velvet pouch, stuffed with a black net bikini that I hoped he'd model for me that evening. It was a bit self-serving, but since I planned to blow him just as soon as I got him out of the bikini, I figured he wouldn't mind.

I made him call me when he was an hour out of Seattle, so I had time to dash to the grocery store to pick up staples that he might need for the week, just to save him that chore and eliminate a reason for us to have to leave the apartment. After so many weeks apart, I knew I wouldn't even want to leave the bedroom. While there I also grabbed a roasted chicken dinner and, on the way to the register, a mixed flower bouquet. Feeling way too Goddamn domestic, but proud of myself anyway, I pulled up into the parking lot in front of his building and waited for him to arrive. After a few minutes of sitting in the car I began to feel cooped up, so I exited and started pacing the lot next to the car, occasionally pausing to lean back against the side casually, my eyes trained on the lot entrance in nervous anticipation. My heart rate accelerated when I finally saw the familiar Audi pulling into the lot. I continued to lean against the car in an attempt to appear casual, but the excitement I felt at finally seeing him again and being able to hold him in my arms, was almost impossible to contain. I watched him park the car and turn off the engine, smiling in my direction as he unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the driver side door. I pushed myself off my car and walked rapidly in his direction. He rounded his car and we met moments later in the open space between us. He threw his arms around my neck as he stepped into my kiss. I wrapped my arms around his waist and lifted him off the ground, spinning him around in my exuberant happiness. He threw his head back and laughed, the laughter catching in his throat when I lowered my lips to his newly exposed neck and sucked at his Adam's apple.

"I've missed you so much, Sunshine." I told him sincerely when I finally set him back down. He moved one of his hands to caress my face.

"I've missed you too, Eddie. You know I did. I love my parents and I was glad to be able to spend this time with them, but being away from you was torture. I don't ever want to do that again."

"No," I shook my head. "At least not for this long. Come on, let's get your stuff."

It took a few trips to bring up all his things as well as the groceries I bought. Cliff was surprised but thankful for my spur of the moment shopping trip, especially when he found out it included dinner. Not that either one of us had food on his mind. It was all we could do to put perishable stuff in the fridge and for Cliff to stick the flowers into a vase, leaving everything else to be put away later, before we made our way to his bed, stripping off articles of clothing as we went. It was hours later, after we'd made love, taken a shower and woken up from our recovery nap, that we realized we were both ravenous and remembered the chicken. We ate the bird straight out of the fridge, cold and with our hands, not wanting to deal with plates and utensils that would only slow down our intended return to the bedroom. We actually devoured the entire thing, tossing the carcass into the trash and washing our hands at the kitchen sink, before returning to Cliff's room for a more leisurely and sensual second round.

"It was really nice of you to bring the groceries and dinner and the flowers," Cliff said after we finished and cleaned up. He lay on top of me, his chin propped up on my chest so he could look at me as he spoke, his left hand gently stroking my right hip, his right entwined in my hair. "Thank you!" he punctuated his thanks with a kiss to my chest as he lay his head down sideways, with his ear over my heart.

"I love listening to your heartbeat," he declared. "It's so strong, so beautiful. I've always liked to do that. Gio's heartbeat was..." he paused, suddenly aware of what he was saying. He looked up at me "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up. . . I really thought I had managed to stop doing that."

It had happened a few times since we started dating. It was usually when we were relaxing in bed, though sometimes elsewhere as well. Something we were talking about would trigger a Gio memory, and the words would be out of his mouth before he could stop them. It wasn't the easiest thing for my ego to accept, and the first couple of times really bothered me, enough that I spoke with Emmett about it.

"Cliff and Gio were together for a long time and Gio's loss was so sudden, and so relatively recent, it's inevitable that Cliff will think of him. He probably thinks about him more than he actually lets on, so as not to hurt your feelings, but when he lets down his guard things slip out. You should look at it as a compliment. It means he's comfortable with you. He's willing to share his deepest thoughts."

"I just wish his deepest thoughts weren't about another guy," I complained. "Especially another guys who's perfect, when I'm anything but."

Emmett nodded. "I imagine that's hard," he allowed. "But can you honestly say you never think about anyone else?" He didn't have to say the name. We both knew he was talking about Jasper. And we both knew the answer to his question without me having to say anything. I couldn't meet his eyes. "You're just better at keeping those thoughts hidden, am I right?" he asked. "You've never let down your guard enough to let them slip out."

He was right, of course. I thought about Jasper daily. In some ways he and Cliff were so similar to each other, it would have been impossible not to. But I'd be lying if I tried to convince myself or others that this was the only reason. Truth was, no matter how I felt about Cliff, and I was developing some really strong feelings for him, there was a part of me that would always be occupied with thoughts of Jasper. So I forced myself to accept that the same was true for Cliff with Gio, and I convinced myself that Emmett was right and Cliff mentioning his name out loud was more of an indication of his growing feelings for me, than the strength of his feelings for Gio. The next time Cliff slipped, I explained that it was fine, that I understood, and that it didn't matter. I offered the same words of comfort every time he was contrite after mentioning Gio in front of me. Yet each time Cliff was just as sorry, and I didn't know what else to do. This time was no different than all the others.

"Sunshine, how many times do I have to tell you? It's all right. You loved him very much. That didn't go away just because of what happened. It's natural for you to think of him and talk about him."

"I know," he said, "but still..." he paused thoughtfully. "It's probably because I had dinner with Bruce and Tyrone a couple of days ago, and of course we talked about Sergio. They're thinking about adopting, did I tell you?" he looked up at me again. "They think maybe they can help another teenager, a gay teenager, if they can find one. Maybe someone whose family threw them out, like Gio's did. Those guys have such huge hearts. I can't wait for you to meet them."

I smiled at him. He had talked about introducing me to his family before, and he included Gio's dads in that definition. The whole idea of meeting parents was not at all pleasant or welcome to me. It's not like I could ever introduce Cliff to mine, and meeting his close-knit family was intimidating. Having to basically deal with four parents instead of just two was even worse, especially when two of them just happened to be parents of my predecessor.

"Do you really think Sergio's fathers would be interested in meeting me?" I asked him gently, though we'd had this discussion before as well.

"I know they would," he replied, and this was different. In the past he had always assured me they would, but it was clear he was merely making an assumption. This time there was an unmistakable air of certainty in his response.

"You do?" I was incredulous. "How?"

"They told me. Thursday night, after dinner, we sat down and talked, and I finally had the guts to tell them about you. I'd been avoiding it," he admitted, "because I was still trying to sort out my own feelings about everything and I wasn't sure how they would react to the idea of me with someone else so soon after..." he paused and looked down, but in moments looked back up and propped his chin on my chest again. "But they were fine," he continued. "In fact, they were amazing. When I told them that I loved you they were really happy for me, and they told me they knew Gio would be happy too. And I told them all about how we met, and about the dinner I cooked for you, and the menu, and how I felt that Gio approved. . ." he kept on talking but I could no longer concentrate on his words. All that kept going through my head was that he'd told his former boyfriend's fathers that he loved me.

Loved me! Fuck! Was he serious? He never said anything about this to me. When had he decided that he loved me? How did I feel about this? How did I feel about him? What if he told me he loved me tonight? How would I answer? Did I love him? I loved Jasper, but Jasper wanted nothing to do with me. Sure, I could have just gone through life waiting for him to change his mind, but I chose to be with Cliff. I loved being with Cliff, in every way, in and out of bed. I'd missed him like hell over the summer, couldn't wait for him to get back. Did that mean..? It had to, didn't it? It had to mean that I loved him. I loved him!

As thoughts tumbled around my head, my breathing quickened and my heart rate increased. Suddenly I was terrified. Now that I realized I loved him, what if I I'd misheard or misunderstood? What if he hadn't meant it in the way I thought he did? I looked down at him and noticed that he was watching me intently.

"Is everything all right?" he asked, clearly concerned. "Where'd you go?"

"Cliff, Sunshine, what did you tell Gio's dads about me?"

He looked confused. I realized my question wasn't targeted enough. I had to be more specific, and that frightened me. But I couldn't allow myself to avoid this like a coward.

"Did you just say that you told them you loved me?"

For a moment his face remained confused, and then a look of shock mixed with horror washed over him even as he lowered his face and, in classic Cliff style, buried it in my armpit. The room was silent except for our breathing. I waited, but it quickly became obvious that Cliff was not going to face me willingly.

"Sunshine, look at me," I shifted beneath him, trying to get my hand to his chin to encourage him to follow my request, but he dug his chin into the space between my torso and arm so well, it was impossible for me to do so. "Look at me, please!" I implored. Slowly he raised his face and eyes to mine. "Did you mean it, Cliff? Do you love me?"

He was scared. I could clearly see that. And I could understand, too. He hadn't meant to tell me at all, at least not tonight, and wasn't ready to deal with the consequences of his slip, afraid of what my reaction would be. In his place I would have felt exactly the same way. I did feel exactly the same way, and I hadn't even told him anything yet. But as I watched him lower his eyes with uncertainty and felt the sudden tension radiating from his body, I knew at this moment I couldn't worry about me. I had to even out the playing field.

Fortunately, this time he hadn't buried his chin, so I was able to grasp it and nudge it upward. Once again I was looking into those beautiful icy blue eyes, so very tentative and uncertain tonight.

"Would it help if you knew how I felt?" I asked. "Because I love you."

He blinked, but his face did not otherwise change. Suddenly I felt a flood of panic coursing through me. I'd just walked out onto a very thin limb, and I got nothing. But there was no going back.

"Did you hear me Sunshine? I love you."

"You do? Really?" he was still hesitant. "You're not just saying that because..."

"No." I shook my head. "You know me. I'm not the guy who would say that because you slipped up, or because it was expected of me. I didn't figure it out until I heard you say it, but I'm sure of how I feel. I love you!" I said with total conviction. And then, with a lot less confidence, I added, "Do you? I mean, did you mean it when...?"

Suddenly his face broke out into that megawatt smile. "Of course! Of course I meant it. I love you, too, Edward. I figured it out when I got home after seeing you in August. There just wasn't any other explanation for how I felt. Being with you that weekend just completed me in every way. It was so powerful. I started thinking about it more and more. You don't know how hard it was not to say anything all those nights on the phone. But I didn't know how to tell you. I wanted to make it special, somehow, and to make sure you were ready to hear it and that you felt the same way. And here, the very first day I'm back, I just blurt it out. I'm so sorry."

"What? No! You can't apologize! You can't apologize for telling me you love me. Do you really think I care when or how you tell me how you feel? What am I, a girl? It doesn't matter. I just can't believe... You love me? Really?"

"Yes, really! Absolutely! I love you, Edward Cullen. Why would I tell other people if I wasn't absolutely certain about how I feel?" He pushed himself up towards the headboard and planted his lips on mine in what, for Cliff, was a very masterful kiss. "I love you," he stressed, following with another kiss. "I love you," and yet another kiss. "I love you," and another. He was playing a game now, clearly relieved of all the stress and tension that was there minutes before, and I was elated, overjoyed, thrilled. I wrapped my arms around him and flipped us so that I was lying on top of him.

"And I love you, Clifton Barringer," I said, looking deep into his eyes before it was my turn to kiss him. "I do," I repeated as I kissed my way across his face and to his ear. His hands traveled to my ass and pulled me close into him as our hips began to move in unison. Despite having already come twice, the adrenaline and excitement of the evening's declarations, combined with the close physical contact, were causing my dick to stir again.

"I love you. I really, really do, my Sunshine, my love" I whispered these last words, barely breathing them across the outer shell of his ear. Cliff moaned quietly, continuing to move beneath me as his hands massaged my ass and lower back. We were both fully hard again and I desperately wanted to tell him I loved him as I showed him exactly how much. It didn't make sense. We'd already made love once before dinner and sucked each other off after. Technically this third time wouldn't be any different. And yet my desire to somehow commemorate our shared declaration was overwhelming. I pulled back and gazed at him earnestly.

"I need you, Sunshine. I need to be inside you. I know you've had a long day, and you must be tired, but can I make love to you again?"

He smiled a soft smile. "Of course. Please! I was hoping you would. I need you too, Eddie. I want us to feel our love for each other tonight, in every way."

We kissed, lips and tongues sliding, hands exploring, groins grinding, hips rocking, cocks brushing, in a primal exhibition of our needs and desires. We didn't take long. In no time I was more than ready to slip into his welcoming warmth, and the vice-like grip of his thighs told me he felt the same way.

"How?" I asked him simply. "Like this?"

In our time together we'd experimented with many positions. This was one of my favorites and I knew he enjoyed it as well, but tonight I wanted more than mere enjoyment for him. I wanted perfection, and I was happy to let him make the choice.

"No," he shook his head in tandem with his response. "I want to try something different."

Against my will, I frowned a little. "Are you sure this is the right night?" New positions were great when they worked, not so great when they didn't. I was struggling with my desire to give him what he wanted and my concern that it wouldn't be as good as I wanted it to be for him.

"Yeah, Eddie, I'm sure. I think it will help us feel closer, and that's what I really want tonight."

"Okay, Sunshine," I gave in, leaning down and peppering his jaw with kisses. "Tell me how you want me."

He brought his hand up and ran it through my hair. "Giving in just like that, without any protest or struggle?" he teased. "You really do love me, huh?"

"That's what I've been trying to tell you," I teased him right back. "Now what is this something different? Should I do a headstand?"

"Hmmm," he considered. "I hadn't even thought of that. Could you?"

"No," I shook my head. "Not even close. Hopefully whatever it is you have in mind is actually within my capabilities."

"Don't worry, Eddie. Who knows you better than I do? Of course it's within your capabilities. Sit up," he pressed his hands up against my chest. I lifted off him, instantly missing the feel of his body against mine. He quickly followed suit, grabbing our pillows and placing them together against the headboard. "Sit here," he indicated the space directly in front of the pillows, "and lean back."

I obeyed, stretching my legs out straight in front of me for lack of other instructions. Cliff looked around, then got off the bed and began searching for something, returning in moments holding a neck roll pillow that had fallen to the ground earlier in the day, which he promptly placed behind my neck.

"Comfortable?" he asked as I adjusted my back and neck. He was on all fours, arms and legs on either side of my legs. Sitting up with the mirrored dresser directly opposite the bed, I had the most delectable view of his completely hot and incredibly fuckable ass.

"Uh-huh," I confirmed. "That's some view," I jutted my chin out in the direction of the mirror. Cliff looked back over his shoulder.

"Hmmm, I didn't even remember that was there. You like what you see?" he slowly circled his hips and butt, his glutes clutching and relaxing as he completed the rotation. "You'll be in there soon enough," he promised.

"I can't wait," I told him honestly. I didn't know where to look - the view was equally erotic right in front of my eyes or reflected in the mirror. I stayed focused on the mirror as he prowled, cat like, forward towards my chest, and leaned in to suck my nipple. I threw my head back, the neck roll providing just the right support, and arched my spine into him with a groan. He switched from one nipple to the other.

"Maybe we shouldn't rush," he suggested with a leer.

"Perhaps not," I rasped as I felt his lips move down my chest and stomach, and then inhaled sharply as I felt my cock sinking into the depths of his mouth and throat. "Oh, God," I breathed out, looking down at the top of his head, the only thing visible from that angle, then shifting my gaze back to the mirror, where I saw his backside, all stretched out and calling for me. I put the index and middle fingers of my right hand in my mouth to coat them with saliva, before I leaned forward over him and grasped his taut buttocks with both of my hands. With my dick still all the way down his throat, he moaned around me, causing me to suck in my breath again. I released the oxygen from my lungs and bent my knees slightly so I could lean forward further, finding his opening with my wet fingers. I'd already stretched him out earlier in the evening, and the position he was in helped stretch him further, so both fingers slipped in easily.

"Ugh," he cried, lifting his mouth off my cock. "Deeper," he ordered, sliding his head forward under my arm and next to my torso to put his ass within closer reach. He sank his teeth into my ass cheek, sharp enough for me to feel it, but not to cause more than pleasurable pain. I pushed my fingers deeper inside him, watching us in the mirror.

"Yeah, more," he demanded. Without waiting for me he shifted back, further impaling himself on my fingers, and then slowly began rocking back and forth, quiet moans leaving his throat in time with his reverse thrusts. I watched the whole thing in the mirror, finding it erotic as hell, until I felt him grab my swollen dick with his right hand and start to pump, keeping his hand in one place while he moved what little excess skin remained, now that I was very fully erect, back and forth across my shaft. I squeezed my eyes as hard as I could and tensed, bringing my left hand back to grasp his and stop it from moving. The show in the mirror had me too charged up, and if I'd let him continue I would have been in serious danger of never getting this erection anywhere near his ass.

"Sunshine, I'm sorry, but if you want me inside you tonight..." I let my voice trail off as I continued to watch him pleasuring himself on my hand while I squeezed and rubbed the rounded globe of his butt with the other. Suddenly he stopped and clenched his muscles with my fingers deep inside him, then continued to push back until my fingers slid from him and he could sit back on his heels. He bent forward to place a soft kiss on the tip of my cock, flicking out his tongue to gather some of the precum that was already dripping down my entire length.

"I don't just want you inside me tonight," he purred. "I need you!"

He lifted off his heels and reached to the nightstand, where the bottle of baby oil was already waiting, having never been put back in the drawer after our earlier reunion. He poured some oil into his hand, closed the bottle and set it near us on the bed, then proceeded to coat my shaft with the lubricant. His touch, soft and gentle, was not intended to be erotic, but as turned on as I was my hips involuntarily lifted off the mattress as I bucked into his hand. He gave me a few light long strokes, and then released me to pour out more oil into his hand before offering some to me. His legs still straddling my body, he shuffled forward on his knees until his chest was only inches away from mine. He leaned over so that his lips were near my ear.

"Get my ass ready for you, but make sure you cover the entire crack," he whispered.

Oh Shit! I had no idea what he had planned, but I didn't know if I had the stamina to withstand it. I watched as he spread oil on his own rock hard rod with his hands, and then rubbed the remaining oil onto his and my stomachs. Obediently, I reached behind him and massaged the oil not just into his hole, but into the entire crevice between his smooth, hard cheeks. I was getting more and more turned on by the second, and I didn't even know what was in store yet.

"Now, pull your feet up with the knees bent and slide down a little," he directed, lifting his butt up slightly to make it easier for me to move. I did as he asked and watched him grasp my cock with one hand and hold it upright, close to my thighs, as he settled back down in front of it into the delta of the v formed by my thighs and torso, with his cock pressed up against my stomach. He reached behind him with the other hand, using it to spread his cheeks even more while pushing my pole into the space between with the other. "Link your hands together behind my butt to make sure it stays right where it is."

Understanding now what he was planning, I linked the fingers of my hands to form a basket that pressed up against the underside of my shaft, the only part of it that was not cradled between his cheeks. Just the feeling of my cock nestled in the crack of his ass was incredible enough. Then he started moving, and everything became even more intense. I felt his hard dick sliding against my stomach as he lifted himself up and down, in essence riding me, but without any actual penetration. The sensations were a mix of bliss and agony. Between his ass and my hands I felt so good I could easily come from this alone, but I used every ounce of restraint I had to hold back my orgasm, the reduced friction due to the slickness of his crack and my hands the only thing making such control possible, though just barely. I had to tell him I couldn't guarantee that I'd be able to hold on much longer.

"I love being this close to you, sweetness. It feels amazing. But if you want us to be any closer, we may not want to wait too long,"

"I know, Eddie. It won't be long for me either," he conceded. "God, I love feeling you encased in my ass slit."

He pressed himself even closer against my chest and stomach, wrapping his arms around me to ensure full body contact as he continued to move up and dawn, albeit more slowly. "Someday I want us to do this again and I want you to keep going until you come. I want to feel your hot cream spilling out over my back and down my ass."

"Keep doing what you're doing, Sunshine, and you'll get your wish tonight," I groaned, only mildly exaggerating.

He stilled, his body lifted so that my head was as buried as it could be in his crevice without actually being inside him. "Let's just stay like this a moment," he panted. "Just calm down a little."

Though it was almost painful to do nothing, neither one of us moved except for our heavy breathing, which we were both trying to slow down.

"I love this," he said after a while, "I love feeling the soft skin of your cock head pressed up against my opening. But what I love even more is when you push yourself inside me. You fill me up, Eddie. Physically, spiritually, emotionally. You make me whole," I chose that moment, to press my fingers against my head, changing the angle just enough for my thrust to easily push my dick all the way into his tight tunnel, causing his breath to catch momentarily, before he released it with a soft "I love you."

"I love you too, Sunshine," I said quietly. "I love your whole and complete embrace. I love when you surround me, protect me, shelter me." I simultaneously used my hands to lift and lower him onto my shaft and my hips to propel it upward, meeting his every downward trip to ensure I was fully seated within him each time. "This always feels so right."

"It's so good," he agreed. "We're so close like this, almost one." He tightened his arms around me, pressing our upper bodies even closer together, something I wouldn't have thought possible. I continued to thrust into him with small movements, the only kind available in this position, while I used my arms to drive him over and over onto my throbbing pole, each synchronized maneuver bringing me closer to the abyss.

"Sunshine, I want us to come together, but in this position I can't use my hands. Will you...?" I hated asking him to use his own hands, hated not being the one who stroked him to his orgasm, but this position had been his choice and it made it impossible for me to touch his dick as we made love.

"No," he shook his head against my shoulder, his body still pressed tightly against me. "I won't need to. This is enough. Almost there. Go faster!"

I finally understood. The proximity of our torsos created a tight sleeve for him as well, providing stimulation with each movement. I wouldn't have thought it would be enough, but I had no reason to disbelieve him. Against my better judgment, feeling how close I was to going over the edge, I increased the tempo of our movements. It was as if the change in pace flipped a switch, and suddenly Cliff became more vocal, his moans and grunts spurring me on even more.

Our communication became entirely non-verbal, each of us picking up on each other's physical cues that needed no language. In the instant before, everything about his body announced that he was about to explode, and my body, already aroused to its maximum limit, responded in kind. We erupted simultaneously, my load deposited deep within him while his found its way into every valley between our tightly fitted chests, spreading between us in sticky rivulets. I sank back into the pillows, still thrusting into him but no longer lifting his body. He pumped his hips slowly, shuddering with the last waves of his orgasm. He lifted his head off my shoulder and pressed his lips to mine, his tongue first entering my mouth, then backing off and allowing mine to enter his. We still didn't speak. There was no need. We both knew that, as Cliff wished for earlier, we'd just loved each other in every way.