Chapter 30

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Chapter 30: Remember Us and All We Used To Be

Two weeks after Memorial Day Troy was back in Seattle, this time with Bruce and Tyrone, for Zack's graduation. Since my graduation was going to be a week later, the three of them decided to make a vacation out of the trip. Zack's high school graduation was the same as most such events. Held at the school's field house to accommodate the large number of guests, the graduates filed one by one across the temporary raised stage to the hoots and hollers of their family members. Afterwards, Zack's mom insisted on taking us all out to lunch, where we all got to meet her sister and some of Zack's other relatives. His father, who had flown out for the ceremony without his new wife and child, didn't stick around for the luncheon. In fact, when he realized how many gay men were attending the graduation to support his son, it was all he could do to stay in his seat until the ceremony was over. To his credit, he kept a relatively civil tongue and made some excuse for leaving that didn't betray him for the bigot he clearly was. But we could all tell that he was there for appearances only.

We parted ways after lunch. I went back home to study for finals while Bruce, Tyrone and Troy went back to Zack's house, along with Stig and Brad, for a heart-to-heart discussion with Zack's mom about Troy's HIV status. Apparently Zack had kept that from her the year that the boys had known each other, fearing it might cause her to keep them from being together. He would not have chosen his graduation day to have the talk either, but Stig had received an offer from a San Francisco law firm that was too good to pass up, which meant that Brad would be moving to California along with his partner, and Zack very much felt he needed his HIV positive cousin's support during the discussion with his mom.

"Brad was so great," Troy explained later that night, when the four of us were having dinner at my house. "You could tell Zack's mom thought I was this psycho murderer coming after her son, even though we told her that we hadn't had sex and had been really careful with everything else to make sure Zack wasn't exposed to the virus. But then Brad started talking about how HIV was a fact of life in the gay community and how lucky Zack was to have met someone who was honest about it and careful, and how uncommon that was at our age."

"I think it's safe to say that Zack's mom is now one of the most educated straight women about the sexual activities of gay teenagers and the mechanics of gay sex," Tyrone added with a slight chuckle. "It was an eye opening experience for her."

"And thanks to Brad and Ty, she also knows all about HIV and AIDS and the methods the boys will use to make sure there is as little risk to Zack as possible," Bruce said with a sigh. "I admit, that was by far the most difficult conversation I've had since telling my own parents that I was gay. I can't even imagine how this poor woman must be feeling. It was total information overload."'

"She has our contact information if she has any questions and she knows she can call us any time," Tyrone pointed out. "It was a lot easier for us, simply because we know the gay community and we're more familiar than most with the sexual habits of gay teenage boys, so we understand just how careful and reserved and responsible the boys have been. I don't think she's ever really stopped to think about what her son being gay meant in terms of his actual sexual activities, or would have known what to think even if she had stopped to do so."

"So it took a while, but in the end Zack's mom seemed to finally accept everything, which is good, because Zack hated keeping things from her. I still wouldn't say she's thrilled with the thought of Zack and me being together, but with Brad on our side it was a lot easier. So now Zack and I can finally be completely open with everyone about everything, and she won't stand in the way anymore," Troy was practically beaming as he finished his story.

"That's great, Leo. I'm really happy for you," I told him. But while I certainly meant it, I couldn't help but feel the ache in my heart too. If Zack and his mom could come to terms with Troy's life-threatening disease, why the fuck couldn't I come to terms with losing Jasper and finally put it out of my mind. If only I had been able to do that, Cliff and I would still be happily together. I just didn't understand what the fuck was wrong with me and why I was always my own worst enemy.

After dinner, Troy made plans to go to a movie with Zack, and asked Bruce, Tyrone and me to go with them. Ordinarily I would not have minded, but that night the thought of sitting in a darkened theater, the fifth wheel to two other happy couples, didn't sound at all appealing, so I begged off, claiming I had to study for finals. I saw a look pass between Bruce and Tyrone and had a feeling they knew I was just making an excuse, but they said nothing, at least not until I went to the office to get some of my books and Tyrone followed me inside.

"You know," he said quietly, "I don't really feel like going to the movies tonight and, assuming that you don't really need to spend the entire evening studying, I think it would be good for us to have a talk."

I couldn't look at him, having teared up at the realization that he saw that I was hurting and wanted to stay and help. Tyrone had become like a father to me since I first met him, but he was Troy's actual father, and I hated tearing him away from his son.

"What about Leo and Bruce?" I asked, not wanting to disrupt everyone's plans.

"They'll be fine. Zack actually asked his mom to go with them, so Bruce will have company. I'm not worried about them tonight, Son. I'm worried about you. What do you say me and you make use of that gorgeous back yard of yours, sit out in nature's beauty and have a good talk? I think you could use it."

I looked over at him, knowing that my eyes were glistening. "Yeah, that sounds good," I admitted. We both heard the front door to the house close, an engine start, and a car pull away. Suddenly we were all alone.

"How about a hug first?" he asked and opened his arms. Gratefully, I stepped into them and began to cry.

"I'm sorry," I choked out. "I thought I was holding it together better than this. I thought by now I'd be over it."

"It's all right, Edward. There's no shame in crying, boy, and no rules for how long it takes to get over a break up. Just let it all out. I'm right here to help."

I stood crying in his embrace for a while, completely wordlessly. It felt strange, being so close to and drawing comfort from a man whom I would have never met if not for Cliff. Yet I knew that he was there, completely non-judgmental, to support me. And I drew on every ounce of that support and silent strength. Only when my sobs finally subsided did he pull away slightly and asked if I was ready for that talk. I nodded and we went out onto the deck. We took the nearest two chairs and sat down, not bothering to go down to the actual yard to sit by the fire pit or the water.

"So I know bits and pieces of what happened, and I think I've put it all together, but do you want to tell me the whole thing? Would it help for you to say it all out loud?"

"I don't know. I mean, I've told my therapist everything and that hasn't seemed to help at all. Then again, I suppose it can't hurt."

I started from the beginning, for the first time fully explaining everything that happened with Jasper and after he left, then how I met Cliff and how our relationship developed, all the way to where I hadn't been able to get my act together and Cliff ran out of hope and patience with me.

"I don't blame him, Tyrone, not at all. He did everything right and he deserves a better man, someone like Gio. I just hate myself for hurting him like this and for sabotaging myself. Twice now I've been given this gift. Two guys who tried to love me despite my faults. And twice now I've fucked it up. I don't get it, Tyrone. Cliff was so good to me, we were so good together. We could have had a wonderful, happy life together, like you and Bruce, if only I could have given up on this completely hopeless obsession. What the hell is wrong with me? And what can I do to fix it?"

Tyrone sighed.

"I don't have the answers to your questions, Edward. But I can tell you that sometimes in life we have to stay true to our core, to ourselves, to what we hold dearest in our souls, even though it hurts and messes up other things, even things that are really good. I had to do that too once upon a time, and I didn't know if I would ever get over it. But then I realized that lying to myself and the people around me would have done even more damage. These feelings you have for Jasper, they don't have a simple on and off switch. If they did, I've no doubt you would have turned them off long ago. But they're real and they're a part of you and the longer and harder you try to fight them the worse it will get. Because you're not fighting some outside force - you're battling yourself. And it's a fight you can't win. Sometimes the only thing you can do is make peace, and all you need to do is look around to see that the peace process is not easy or quick. You need to give yourself enough time."

"Tyrone, it's been nearly three years. How much more time can it take?"

"I don't know, Son. I wish I could tell you, but I just don't know. Everyone is different. It took me a long time too."

"Do you mind me asking what happened? I don't need to know if it's too painful."

"No, it's not painful anymore. That's sort of how you know you got through it. It's still not something I share with many people, being ancient history and all, but I don't mind."

He tented the fingers of his hands, resting his elbows on the arm rests of his chair and the bridge of his nose between his index fingers as he leaned forward and considered. Suddenly he sat back.

"Well, guess it's best to start at the beginning. I grew up in a poor neighborhood, the kind of neighborhood not a lot of kids ever leave, except in a back of a police car or an ambulance, if you know what I mean. There were some families like mine, hardworking folks who wanted to better themselves but could never quite make enough to move away, but more folks who just accepted that they were never meant for anything else and fell into a cycle of poverty and crime - all the stereotypes you read about or see on TV. My mother had a devil of a time keeping me off the streets and occupied with activities so that I wouldn't get recruited by this gang or that, or start selling drugs for some dealer. She was a janitor - cleaned offices after everyone went home in the afternoons, and even though it was against the rules, she would take me to work with her every day. I would sit in a room at someone's desk and do my homework while she cleaned, and when it got late I'd open up my sleeping bag and go to sleep on the floor until she was done. It wasn't fun, but she kept me out of trouble and all the studying paid off. I got a scholarship to go to college, and then medical school. You should have seen my mother. She could not have been more proud.

"Spending so much time with my mom didn't give me many opportunities to date. My mother didn't want me dating, anyway. She was too afraid I would knock up some girl and ruin my future and she had plans for me - big plans. I was supposed to graduate and marry a college girl and have a family with the 4 kids and a dog and set a good example for other Black folks. More than anything else she wanted to know that her hard work resulted in me becoming that community paragon, the person everyone else should aspire to be, a role model for all others. Of course, she was completely unwilling to consider that I might not want the same thing. That while I wanted to deliver babies, I didn't want any of my own, or a wife, for that matter. But that was later.

"While I was in high school I didn't see anyone, so my preferences weren't obvious, even to me. I thought some of my school male friends were attractive, but it would have been unheard of to do anything about it. When I went to college I started having sex with girls, because that's what I thought I was supposed to do. For obvious reasons I wasn't very good at it, but the girls I was with just chalked it up to my weird upbringing and lack of experience. And then I got better, but they had no idea that I got better because I started fucking guys. And that's exactly how I thought of it. Just fucking to get experience, because the idea of making love with another man was outside the realm of reason. Only the trouble was I was better at it when I was with guys, and I enjoyed it more, and it became harder and harder for me to reconcile all of that with my supposed heterosexual lifestyle.

"Then I met Stephen. He was a professor in one of my classes and I was attracted to him from the first moment I saw him and heard him speak. He was so handsome and mature, I could hardly keep from drooling when I was in the same room. He also had a gorgeous deep voice, and he was so articulate, I just loved hearing him talk, about anything. I developed a huge crush and I was terrified that I would be found out, so I didn't even try to talk to him. He was one of those African American paragons my mother wanted me to be. Married to a beautiful, professional woman, with three kids and a house in the suburbs. In other words, completely out of reach. I became so ashamed of my feelings my work began to slip, which only brought his attention to me, and one day he returned an assignment with a note to see him in his office.

"I can still remember how nervous I was, knocking on that door for the first time and then walking into that office. The moment is seared in my memory. Everything. The layout of the room, the light streaming through the widows, the smell of the books on his shelves, and the way he looked, seated behind his massive desk in his leather chair, the epitome of everything I was supposed to be and everything I wanted in a lover.

"I'll never know how I managed to maintain my self-control, but nothing happened that day - nothing inappropriate. We just talked and it was exquisite, even the part where he lectured me on the importance of keeping up with school and continuing to excel in all my classes. After that he became my unofficial mentor. We would meet every week, sometimes two or three times, just to talk. He was so patient with me, but in between guiding me, he got me to talk more and more about myself, and I started revealing my most private thoughts. We continued to see each other even after I was done with his class. Sometimes we'd get together in his office, sometimes at a coffee shop. On occasion we'd go to concerts or lectures together. From time to time even dinner. And he kept probing, until one day I finally told him how I felt about him. I thought he would be outraged and throw me out, but instead he kissed me, and I felt like I finally came alive that day.

"In addition to our regular meetings out in public, we started meeting at an out-of-the way hotel. Those meetings were always on the sly. We had to arrive and leave separately. It was just a stolen hour here and there, but I was so in love with him I didn't care. I was grateful for everything he gave me and didn't feel like I could ask for more. And the whole time he kept telling me how important it was for me to live the expected lifestyle, so I dated and even got engaged. My fiancé was in grad school and I was in medical school so we postponed the wedding until after graduation, and my affair with Stephen continued. The longer it went on, the more in love I was, and the more I resented his wife and family and my fiancé, and the fact that I had to share him and that we had to keep our love a secret. I pleaded with him to get a divorce and for us to come out and be together, but he insisted that he had this responsibility to his family and the community and he could not place his and my needs first. I was still in love, but it was all starting to get to me. I became depressed. I started to hate every moment of my life except when he and I were together.

"And then, in my fourth year of medical school, everything came to a head. My fiancé got pregnant. There was a chance the baby was mine since, per Stephen's advice, I did have sex with her on occasion. But we had always been careful and I suspected she was cheating on me. Still, she insisted it was mine and began pressuring me to move up the wedding. When I told Stephen about it I hoped he would try to stop me, protest, even show some regret, but instead he just told me that it was my duty to marry her and make a good husband and father. Nothing would change between us, of course. I would just be playing my role, the same way he did, doing my part because that's what was expected of me. I was absolutely heartbroken. I knew as a married new doctor with a baby I would have even less time to spend with him, and he didn't seem to mind one bit. I decided I couldn't handle it. I told my fiancé I was gay and broke off the engagement. I intended to fulfill my obligations as a father, but she suffered a miscarriage, so that never became an issue."

"Once I came out, Stephen refused to have anything to do with me publicly. He condemned me and shunned me just like everyone else in my circle of friends. But he still wanted to continue on the down low. I really do believe that he loved me as much as I loved him, but he was so powerfully committed to the idea that he had to serve as an example of a strong, educated, affluent Black family man, that he could not even contemplate abandoning all that to come out and live as the gay man that he was. For a while I continued to meet him at the hotel, but his public rejection was too painful, and I finally had to stop. I finished school and made sure to apply to out of state residency programs. No one attended my graduation ceremony. Not him, not my mother. None of my achievements in life amounted to anything once I admitted that I was sexually attracted to men."

"Ty, I'm so sorry," I told him. No wonder he understood so well the situation with my father and advised me to reveal my homosexuality whenever I was ready to do it.

"It's all right, Edward. It hurt at the time, but I've made peace with it all. That's what I was trying to explain. Even though I made the decision that was right for me, the only thing that could make me happy in the long run, it took me years to get over Stephen. At first I was a new medical resident and I buried myself in my work. It was the biggest irony - I left the man I loved so I could live openly as a gay man, only to go back to the lifestyle I had in high school, with no love life at all. I couldn't stay with him and keep sharing him, but I couldn't imagine being with anyone else either. After I finished my residency I decided to move to San Francisco, where I could finally live out in the open with men who shared my beliefs. But I found so much of it was meaningless tricks and hook ups, not at all what I was looking for. All those traditions that had been instilled in me from childhood were still there, and I started to question if I made the wrong choice. I very nearly went back into the closet. I even signed up with a dating service to meet women."

I stared at him with wide eyes. I would not have believed this story if I had not heard it from his own lips.

"What stopped you?"

He smiled. "Can't you guess?"

"You met Bruce?"

He nodded. "I did indeed. I met my Chop Chop and found that we wanted the same things in life. He made me forget all about Stephen. Well, not forget, exactly. He didn't even try to do that. It was more like he helped me place Stephen in the right context. Stephen was important. He helped me grow as a man and even, though he'd never admit it, as a gay man. But though he and I loved each other deeply, we both needed things the other couldn't give. It was completely different for Bruce and me. From the very start we complemented and completed each other. Each one of us was the Yin to the other's Yang."

"It was like that with me and Jasper," I said quietly. "And I thought Cliff and I had that too, but I guess the pieces didn't quite fit perfectly."

"I've never met Jasper, so I can't speak to your relationship with him. I do know from what you've told me, though, that you have changed a great deal since he left Seattle. Undoubtedly he has changed too. And if you're both different men now, you may not be the perfect fit that you were before."

"I have changed," I admitted, "But I hope I changed in a way that would make me an even better fit for him."

"What if he changed in the other direction?"

I shook my head in denial.

"I'm not saying he did, but you have to at least consider the possibility."

"I can't consider that possibility, Ty. If it's true, then I will have lost Cliff for nothing, and I can't face that."

"Edward, the reason you and Cliff didn't work is the same reason that Stephen and I didn't work. You couldn't give each other everything you needed. Jasper left a void in you that Cliff could not fill, and the same was true for Cliff and Gio. I think if you focus on the positive aspects of your relationship, you will see how much you benefited by being with each other as long as you were. The Cliff that I knew before would not have been able to stand up for himself and determine that he needed to leave. And it sounds like the man you were before he came along would not have accepted his leaving with the grace you ultimately did. As a result, you are still friends, and I really hope you'll remain that way forever."

"Did you and Stephen remain friends?"

"No," Tyrone shook his head sadly. "That was not possible for us. But thanks to Bruce, I did reconcile with my mother. A neighbor contacted me to tell me that she had taken ill, and we flew out together to see her at the hospital. At first she was cold. Well, cold to me, and absolutely frigid to him. But Bruce is a stubborn man, and he refused to let her get to him. And then she saw how happy I was, happier than she had ever seen me before, and she finally cracked. We were fortunate that she lived several years after that, and we spent some wonderful holidays together, the three of us. She even lived to meet Gio, when he first came to stay with us. We went to visit her for Christmas that year and she put on her best dress and best hat and insisted that the four of us go to Church. And she introduced us as her son and her son's husband and grandson. She sounded so proud. More proud than she ever could have been on the day I became a doctor."

I watched a tear slip from Tyrone's eye as he choked up, and I felt my own tears slide down my cheeks as well. Tyrone noticed and sat up straighter in his chair.

"All right, enough of that. I'm supposed to make you feel better."

"You are making me feel better, Ty. I had no idea you went through all that. You're even more of an inspiration to me now than you were before."

"Ah," Tyrone waved his arm dismissively. "Go on!" and then, when I fell silent, he continued. "No, I really meant that, Son. Go on! A man my age can never get enough fawning from a handsome young stud like you."

I giggled. "What would Bruce say if he heard you talking like that?"

"He'd tell me to stop hogging the stud and let you fawn over him for a while. A couple of old queens like us? We don't get thrills like this every day!"

I giggled again. I loved the way Tyrone could go from the deepest philosophical discussion to the lightest banter in three seconds flat.

"Now come over here and give me a hug so my night can get even better."

I knew that buried within Tyrone's joke was a serious request, so I stood up just as he did and readily walked into his warm hug. "Thank you, Ty. You really have been great through all this. I wasn't sure if Cliff and I breaking up would mean losing you guys too, and I'm really glad it didn't. All that time you've spent talking to me, I really appreciate it! And tonight... Ty, you've been more of a father to me in the last year and a half than my own father has ever been."

"Well, since I'm a happily married old queen, I'll take that as a compliment. Take the time you need to get it all right inside, Edward. It doesn't really matter what everybody else thinks. You have to work on your own timetable. I guarantee when the time is right, you will know exactly what to do and how to move on."

"And in the meantime?"

"In the meantime you'll have plenty of days when you'll be perfectly fine, and some when you'll hurt like a sonofabitch. That's just the way it is. But when you're hurting, there's nothing wrong with calling your gay dad. I'll always be there to listen and help as much as I can. And we'll have visits just like this one," his arms tightened around me, "for me to hold you just like this."

I stayed in his embrace for a long time. I started crying again as I thought about Jasper and Cliff and all the healing I had yet to go through. Eventually, I stopped. Tyrone said nothing. He just held me until I finally was ready to step back.

"Bruce and Leo will probably be back from the movie soon, plus it's getting chilly. We should go inside," I said.

"Sure, let's do that," Tyrone agreed, placing his arm around my shoulder as we walked back into the house. "And I know you really do have to study, so don't let me get in the way. Even though it's your last semester, school's still important."

"Yes, Dad," I teased and rolled my eyes.

"Don't you sass me, young man," Tyrone rapped the side of my head lightly, and we both laughed.

Because it was finals week for me, Bruce and Tyrone arranged for a trip to Lost Angeles for them, Troy and Zack, to give me peace and quiet and time to study. I didn't really need the time alone, but I knew the boys would enjoy the vacation more than hanging around my house, which they could do any time, so I didn't complain. I took my last final on Wednesday of that week, giving me enough time to get the house ready for all the guests. My mom arrived Saturday and took up residence in the guest apartment above the garage. Bruce, Tyrone and Troy were back on Friday. I had invited Amelia and Thorpe. Now that Cliff and I were no longer together, we were obviously not as close, but Amelia and my mom, who had become friends, still corresponded, so I felt obliged to invite them. It was almost a relief when they sent their regrets, along with a card and a gift. Siobhan and Liam and Mary and Steven came out, but were staying with Maggie and Rosalie. Jason and Zoe were driving in the day of graduation and heading back that night. The only person I was uncertain about was Cliff, who wouldn't know if he could come out until the very last minute.

In the four months he'd been gone I had talked to him every day, but I still surprised myself at how disappointed I felt contemplating the possibility that he might not be there to see me get my diploma. I knew it was a foolish pipe dream, but I hoped that maybe seeing me take that final step into adulthood might rekindle some feelings and get him to consider a reconciliation. But when he called the morning of the Friday before graduation and told me that he would have to work late into the evening and would not be able to fly out until the next day, and would have to go back mid-day Sunday, I could not make myself encourage him to do it. There was no way for him to leave Saturday morning and still make the ceremony, and it made no sense for him to go through two plane changes each way only to spend less time in Seattle than he would on the various planes.

"I'm sorry, Eddie. I really hoped I could make it out there."

I could tell he really meant it. I was still disappointed, but I knew it wasn't his fault. "Me too, Sunshine. Everyone was looking forward to seeing you, especially me. I've really missed you. But I completely understand. I know you would be here if you could."

That night everyone who was in town went out to dinner together. We tried calling Cliff but only got his voice mail, which I figured meant that he was still at work. I left him a message asking him to call me whenever he got in, frowning when I realized how late it was out on the east coast already. We were long done with dinner and driving back to the house when he finally called, at what was 1:30 a.m. his time.

"Is everything all right, Cliff?" I asked as I answered the phone. I'd been worried about him, but resisted the urge to keep calling him. Hearing his voice was a relief, but it didn't completely alleviate my concern.

"I'm fine, Edward. I was working late, as I told you, and then I went out after work."

"Oh," I said, surprised. "You don't usually stay out this late. Special occasion?"

"You could say that," he sounded deliberately vague and reluctant to offer more. I didn't want to press him, not while in a car full of people, but I felt my stomach clench painfully.

"Well, I'll let you talk with everyone. Hold on while I pass the phone."

I handed the phone to Bruce and kept my eyes on the road as my mind churned. He was out late on a Friday night and didn't want to discuss why. It didn't take me long to leap to a conclusion. My thoughts turned darker as I wondered if he really had to work late, or if he bailed out on my graduation so he could go out with some guy. My grip on the steering wheel tightened as I tried to control the suddenly overwhelming mixture of anger and anguish. It's not as though I wasn't theoretically aware that he might start dating at any time, but I wasn't prepared for it actually happening, and for him to choose a date over coming back for my graduation. I wasn't really entitled to feel that I should have been more important, but nevertheless, it felt like a slap in the face to find out otherwise.

Eventually the phone made it back to me. I'd almost hoped the last person to speak with Cliff would have hung up, but apparently he expressed a wish to talk to me again.

"It looks like we're not going to have a chance to have a proper talk tonight," he stated the obvious.

"I know it's really late for you. You should get some rest."

"I do have to get up pretty early tomorrow," he agreed, "but I'd stay up talking if you weren't in a car full of people and driving."

"It's all right," I said, trying to keep the bitterness from my voice. "We'll find some time this weekend to talk longer."

"Yeah, I hope we can."

"Well, talk to you later, then," I nearly ended the call when I heard his voice asking me to wait. I placed the phone back to my ear.

"I've really missed you, Eddie. I didn't get a chance to tell you this morning how much. I really wish I could have been there with you all tonight."

I didn't know how to respond. Were these his true feelings? Was he regretting not coming out to Seattle? Or was he trying to ease his guilt? "Me too, we all missed you tonight. Your ears were probably burning," I gave a small laugh, as much as I could manage.

"Was that what it was?" he asked, his voice slightly playful. "I was thinking about you guys too."

"Okay, well, I'd better let you go. Sweet dreams."

"You too, Eddie. I'll see... I mean good luck tomorrow."

I frowned. Was it an innocent slip of the tongue or did he really wish he could see me tomorrow? "Thanks. I'll give you a call tomorrow. Good night."

I ended the call and slipped the phone into my shirt pocket. No matter what he had been doing to stay out this late, I was glad he'd called.

The next day I got dressed, put on my gown and we all drove out to campus. Emmett and Seth had gone ahead and staked out the seats for our whole group, as we'd done for Cliff the previous year. I exchanged hugs with my Mom and the guys and went to join the rest of the graduates. Fortunately, the ceremony wasn't a terribly long event. A few people got up and made the traditional speeches, though I hardly paid attention. I spent nearly the entire time we were sitting down thinking how I should have been sharing this day with Jasper. Through Seth and Emmett, I knew that he had already graduated in May and moved back to New York City, having secured a position with the TV station he'd interned at the previous summers. Though he could have lived with his dad to save money, he'd decided to get his own studio apartment. Apparently he'd scrupulously avoided discussing his love life with them, but I figured there was only one reason a guy his age wanted to live alone, especially somewhere as pricey as Manhattan. The fact that it was a studio and not a larger apartment did at least give me hope that he wasn't moving in with anyone, though as soon as I thought that I remembered that two people in a relationship didn't really need a lot of room. It would have been the easiest thing to tell my investigator to look into it and let me know what Jasper was doing and if he was in a relationship with anyone, but I knew if by some miracle I ever did see him again and he somehow found out that I'd had him investigated, that would be the end of any possible reunion, and that was too high of a price to pay for a bit of ultimately useless knowledge. Besides, I was still trying to make myself stop thinking about him, and having him investigated would definitely be a step backward on that path.

Eventually the speeches were over and it was time for our march across the stage to get our rolled up pieces of paper letting us know that the diplomas would be mailed after the registrar made sure we'd satisfied all our financial obligations. It didn't matter that the diploma wasn't real. The walk still symbolized a transition, and I was ready to stop being a student and start living my life as park ranger. I smiled as I heard the loud noises coming from the audience when it was my turn to step onto the stage. I looked in the direction of our group and saw the giant "Go Ranger Cullen" banner. I gave them a wave and then filed off so as not to cause a back-up on stage. I returned to my seat as directed and, when everyone was done, flaunted the rules by tossing my cap up along with all the other graduates, though knowing my mother still wanted to take pictures, I tossed it low enough to ensure I could catch it and bring it back. Cap in hand, I made my way through the auditorium to my family, expecting to be grabbed up in a series of hugs. What I didn't expect was a familiar, gorgeous, smiling face.

"Sunshine!" Pure happiness exploded within me like fireworks as I ran to him and grabbed him in my arms, hugging him to me fiercely and feeling his arms wrap around me. "Oh, my God. Are you really here? How?" I leaned back to look into his icy blue laughing eyes. "I thought there were no flights that could get you here on time today."

"There weren't," he nodded. "Not if I left Wilmington this morning. But I actually took an evening flight to Charlotte after work yesterday and made it to Houston last night, then left there early today."

"So yesterday, when you called . . ?"

"Texas, Baby,' he nodded. "Thank goodness Seattle is two hours behind. By the time I made it to the hotel from the airport it was after midnight."

"And you had to get up early this morning to catch the flight out here?" I asked regretfully, noticing the shadows under his eyes. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"I wanted it to be a surprise. And I didn't want you to be disappointed if something happened and the plane was delayed."

"Cliff, you shouldn't have. You're gonna be exhausted by the end of the weekend."

"Are you kidding? I couldn't let a stupid thing like a late work day stop me. I wouldn't miss this for anything. Congratulations, Eddie!"

"Oh, Sunshine," I was dumbstruck. I wanted so badly to kiss him, but I didn't know how he would react and we had a fair sized audience. I settled for lifting my hand to his face and stroking it gently. "Thank you. You being here means so much!"

"I know you'd do the same for me, Eddie. But now I'd better let you go. There's a line of people waiting patiently for their turn to congratulate the graduate."

I let him go, reluctantly, and made my way to hug the other people in the group, graciously accepting their congratulations but thinking about how good it had felt to have him in my arms and how I wanted nothing more than to hold him again. I was giddy, ecstatic! There was no new boyfriend. He had only been out late last night and sounded so suspicious because he was trying to surprise me. And he was clearly happy to see me. Maybe there was some hope left for us after all.

After the hugs and congratulations were done, and Mom took enough pictures to run out of room on her SD card, I told everyone to go back to my place for the bar-b-que. Although we weren't a huge party and we could have found a fancier way to celebrate, I also didn't want anything too formal. I did hire a caterer, however, who came up with a hearty and appropriate menu, and whose staff would take care of all the cooking and serving, giving me time to spend with the guests. Bruce, Tyrone, Troy and my Mom took my car back to the house, while Cliff went with me to return the gown so that I could ride back to the house with him in his rental car. Even away from the others, I was afraid to do more than grab his hand as we walked, not wanting to spoil the mood by doing something inappropriate. I was just so happy he was there, walking beside me again. He could not have given me a better graduation surprise.

On the drive back to the house we talked, conversation flowing as easily as it ever had, in person or on the phone. Although he'd heard it all before, he asked details about the party and the house. I couldn't wait for him to see it in person, which would be different than the skype video tours I'd done for him since I'd moved in. I found that virtually everyone else knew he was planning to surprise me, but I couldn't even find it in myself to be mad. Just having him there was such a thrill.

As a guest of honor and host, once we got to the house I had to attend to my party guests, so I told Cliff the tour would have to wait until later. We didn't even go inside, opting to walk around the side of the house to the back yard, where the caterer had set up food and beverage stations along with places for everyone to sit and eat. I saw that Ren and Liam were already in their swim diapers, happily splashing in the mini water slide and wading pool I bought just for them, while Roger carried the sleeping baby Larissa, the new addition to his family, facing him on his chest in a Baby Bjorn. With everyone already having met each other either at various gatherings or the previous night's dinner, it was easy for everyone to move between conversation groups without anyone needing to bother with introductions. Even Jason and Zoe, arguably the least familiar to all of us, were friendly and mingled easily.

The party continued well into the evening, with the catering staff providing a continuous supply of food and beverages. After lunch people changed into the bathing suits I had suggested they bring with them and took advantage of the lake and hot tub. Later, with everyone back in street clothes, those who were still left gathered around the fire pit to joke and laugh. We all liked having Cliff back in town, and while I may have been the graduate, he was a star attraction in his own right. Although I would have liked having a whole day alone with him, I also enjoyed just being able to watch him interact with others, and there wasn't much time during the party when I wasn't aware of exactly where he was and what he was doing. At one point in the afternoon we snuck away from the other guests and went into the house so I could finally give him a tour.

"This is a fabulous place, Eddie. Amazing. I'm really happy for you," he said as I concluded the tour in my bedroom.

"Thanks. It really is perfect for me. Not too far from the city or the Mountain, yet close to nature and the girls and Liam. I got really lucky with this place. And ordinarily I have plenty of room but this weekend..." I trailed off, suddenly uncertain. I took a deep breath and continued. "My Mom's staying in the guest apartment over the garage. Bruce and Tyrone have the guest room. Leo is staying in the kid’s room. That leaves the living room couch, which is not a fold out but I've napped on it and it's actually pretty comfortable, or the other twin bed in the kids room, or..." I paused again and swallowed hard, pushing down my anxiety. "Or you could stay in here with me. The bed's certainly big enough."

I couldn't look at him as I was waiting for his answer. I kept telling myself to accept his choice with grace, whatever it was. He walked up to face me until I couldn't help but turn to him and look down into his eyes.

"I've really missed you," he said. His voice conveyed the depth of his feeling, but he reinforced it by taking my face into his hands and leaning up to kiss me softly. "I would very much like to stay here with you tonight."

I closed my eyes as we kissed again. Given how often I'd thought about him since he'd been gone and how lonely I had been, the kiss was surprisingly soft and slow and intimate. It was also perfect, the familiarity of our lips gently moving together warming me from the inside out without any danger of overheating. We broke apart and exchanged another long look before linking our hands and re-joining the others, only to be separated shortly thereafter by different groups of guests competing for our attention. I kept watching him, though, loving the way he stopped at one point to play with Ren and Liam, and to admire Roger and Yvonne's new baby girl. Briefly, I indulged myself in the fantasy that this wasn't just the present, that it was a glimpse into the future too, even though deep down inside I knew it could never be. I turned to find Tyrone looking over in my direction with a reserved expression. Our eyes locked and I was reminded of our conversation on the deck. Nothing had really changed since then. Cliff and I were still misaligned. But was it such a crime to ignore that while he was here?

As the evening wore on I started noticing signs of Cliff's fatigue, and it was that more than anything else that caused me to exaggerate my own yawns and complaints about being tired. Those who still remained picked up the hints fairly quickly, and the house finally emptied out of everyone but those who were staying the night. The caterers folded up their furniture and equipment as Cliff, Troy, Zack and I put away the lawn games I had put out for people to enjoy and dragged the beach towel hamper into the laundry room. Once I knew Cliff would be staying in my room with me, I told Zack that he was welcome to spend the night, thrilling both of the boys, who were none too pleased about Troy going back to Spokane the following day. He would be back to stay with me for a couple of weeks later in the summer, and then the boys would both go out to stay with Cliff, but despite this both of them hated even the relatively brief separation they would have to endure.

When everyone else finally left and it was just us 6 men in the house, we said our good nights and retired to our separate rooms, Bruce admonishing the boys to be good with a single look.

"Tread carefully, Edward," Tyrone whispered to me as we hugged good night. "Don't make this more painful for the both of you than it already is."

I promised him that I would be careful, though I had no idea if I would be able to keep my word. A lot of it depended on the man walking into my bedroom with me, and what ground rules he wanted to impose.

"You look tired, Sunshine," I said, working up the courage to ask my question. "Do you want to go to sleep?"

I held my breath waiting for his answer.

"I am a little tired," he admitted, "but not quite ready for sleep. Why don't we just go to bed?"

I breathed out in relief and nodded. We stepped closer to each other and slowly helped each other undress. I hadn't been expecting him that morning, but after swimming I had changed into his favorite pair of my mesh lace-up boxer briefs, in the hopes that he would give me this answer. I was pleased to see that he too had worn black web bandeau briefs he knew I enjoyed. Clad only in our underwear, we made our way to the bed and reacquainted ourselves with each other's bodies, once again moving slowly and taking our time, letting the passion and pleasure build gradually until we were both crazed with need. I hadn't been with anyone since he'd left, so I still didn't have condoms, but one shake of the head in response to my question made it clear that we had no need of them. Slipping my hard cock over and over into the warm embrace of his tight ass felt even better than I remembered it. But in the end it was the look in his eyes, and the bliss on his face as he came beneath me, that sent me over the edge into a powerful and all-consuming orgasm.

It was only afterwards, as we lay in each other's arms, gently kissing and caressing various body parts within reach, that I understood. I knew it even before he said it, though I let him go on anyway, because it needed to be said out loud, and I knew I didn't have the strength and conviction to do it.

"This was beautiful, Eddie. Worth every second of the time it took me to get here and then some. But we can't do this again."

I didn't argue or try to deny it, but I couldn't say anything to indicate my agreement either.

"I'm so glad I came back and that we did this, because it shows that, despite me moving away, we still have a special bond. We haven't broken everything."

"We knew that already, Sunshine," I pointed out. "We would not have talked daily if everything had been broken."

"I know," he let out a soft sigh. "That's another thing that can't continue the way it has. Eddie," he paused and put a hand to my face, "Edward," he corrected.

I winced. "Just because we're not partners anymore doesn't mean that we can't use our nicknames as friends, does it?"

He paused to consider and frowned a little. "Ordinarily, no, but these weren't just any nicknames. They were intimate nicknames, for our private use. I just worry that as long as we continue to call each other by those names, we'll continue to blur the lines between friendship and more."

I nodded. I hadn't thought this through like he had, but what he said made sense. If we were, indeed, finalizing our break-up, those nicknames would no longer be needed.

"So it's back to Edward and Cliff?" I asked.

"I'm sure on occasion we'll forget and slip. But normally, yeah," he said, regretful but resolved.

"All right," I nodded. "I wish it wasn't necessary, but I understand your point. I'm sorry I interrupted. You were going to tell me something."

He frowned again, undoubtedly retracing our conversation back mentally. His face cleared for a moment when he remembered, then clouded again.

"Right, I was going to say that while I love talking to you every day, I think I'm too dependent on it. Having you there for me all the time makes it too easy not to try to meet other people. You know I'm not very social, and I tend to avoid situations where I have to interact with strangers. I find meeting new people nerve wrecking, and talking with you is comfortable and safe. But the point of moving away was for us to move on, and that means that I have to take risks, and be uncomfortable, and I won't be able to force myself to do that as long as I can use you as a crutch."

I winced again. I didn't particularly enjoy being compared to medical equipment, to be placed in the corner when the person using it has healed and it was no longer necessary. But as I considered his statement, I had to admit he was right. I was using him as much as he was using me, for similar reasons.

"So you're going to start going out, meeting new people?" I asked, even though he'd already told me as much.

"I am, and I think you should do the same. We both need to try to find those people that will fit our needs completely. And we can't depend on occasional friendly visits to fulfill our sexual needs."

I was shocked that he'd decided to be so blunt about it, but I suspected this was, at least in part, the reason for this conversation. Our lovemaking had been wonderful in part because we still loved each other, but also because, having been used to regular sexual activity, both of us had gone without a partner for too long.

"In fact," he continued, when he'd encountered no resistance from me, "this should be the last time for us. As good as we are when we're together like this, it only makes it harder not to compare others to this benchmark, and that's not fair. No one could compete out of the gate with what we'd spend two years building."

I smiled. "I know the me from two years ago could not have competed with the me of today. Jesus, you had to teach me everything."

"You were a fast study," he was smiling too now, "but that's exactly what I mean. I love you. I will always love you, but in a different way than I did before. I hope you will feel the same. But in order to do that, to move on to that true friendship love, we need to give up the benefits."

I was silent again, thinking, still unable to verbally acknowledge that this was the end, until Cliff prompted me and I nodded my head.

"We'll still talk occasionally, though, right?"

"Of course. That's what friends do. Just not every day."

More silence as we both contemplated our futures with even less of each other in them. I wonder how long we could last as friends. Once we started seeing other people, how long would it be before the phone calls got less and less frequent and, eventually, stopped altogether? Or would we be like Emmett and Jasper, still talking from time to time despite other interests, except better, because there would be no taboo subjects between us? And what if we found other partners? Would they be able to handle a close friendship with an ex any better than Cliff could handle my memories of Jasper? And what would we do if they could not? So many questions and so few answers. I finally forced myself to stop thinking and asked a question of my own.

"So when you say we have to give up the benefits, does that start right now, or when you get on the plane tomorrow?"

He hesitated for a moment, then placed his hand over my heart and leaned in to kiss me.