Chapter 12

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Chapter 12: I did my best but it wasn't enough

Once Dr. Colby found out that my sister was moving in with me, he became much more willing to discharge me, and I was able to go home a couple of days later. By then Maggie and Rose had moved into the apartment, having put most of their furniture in storage. The only real signs that I had different roommates were the upright piano that now stood against one wall of the living room and a slew of new toiletries and towels in the bathroom.

It was very strange to share the apartment with someone who wasn't Jasper, and especially with two women who were practically strangers to me, but in some ways they really were the ideal roommates. They didn't fawn over me or try to force me to talk or spend time with them. Maggie took her "job" as my aide seriously, making sure I ate at appointed times, took all my prescribed medication and nothing that wasn't, and got to classes and doctor visits on time. What she didn't do was to make a big deal of our accidental relative status or try to force us to develop any sort of a brother/sister bond.

"I'm not doing this because I have a sudden need to be close to my estranged brother," she told me. "If, after your cast comes off, you want everything to go back as it was before your accident, I'd be perfectly happy to do that. Rose and I decided a long time ago that neither one of us needed asshole guys in our lives, regardless of whether they were actually related to us or not."

Maggie rented me a wheelchair and we got a temporary handicapped sticker to make it easier for her to drive me to class, instead of me having to worry about negotiating public transportation on crutches or finding seats in each class with enough room to accommodate the long cast. Because my sprained wrist made it difficult for me to write or type, she also came to classes with me, obtaining permission from the professors to tape record most of them and taking notes on anything that would not show up on tape.

At home she forwarded my new dietary requirements to the food service to make sure they sent along appropriate meals. When I snapped at her that the least she could do for the money is make me home cooked meals, she just rolled her eyes.

"Sorry, Edward, your mother didn't hire me for my skills in the kitchen, and if she had, I would have had to decline. Despite what the Neanderthal in you must imagine, women are not born with innate housekeeping skills. Neither Rosalie nor I cook, and since one of my tasks is to prevent you from starving yourself to death, you will eat the food that the service provides even if we have to tie you down and force feed you. And if you don't think I'd do that with the greatest amount of pleasure, just try me."

The other thing Maggie did with the greatest amount of pleasure was to force me to walk every inch that Dr. Colby ordered. It was much easier to drive to school, but all that meant was sessions of corridor walking when we were home. The doctor suggested walking in the hallway of my apartment building as a safer and weather-proof alternative to the outside, so several times each day Maggie would shepherd me out of the apartment and watch as I completed lap after lap, sometimes walking with me and sometimes reading a book or magazine, picking up her head only long enough to count the rotations. Although I hated to be stuck inside, the decision to stay indoors made sense, considering the near-constant dampness outside. And for the most part I didn't mind the exercise, knowing I had to do something so as not to lose all of my muscle mass. When Maggie wasn't walking with me, I simply put on my iPod and listened to music or my class lectures. Still, if I hoped for any sort of reprieve on days when I was worn out and just not in the right mind set to keep walking, I was always disappointed. Maggie would bring me out a chair to rest in, but I wasn't allowed back into the apartment until my exercise was complete. And since seeing the strange looks from neighbors when I was resting in the hallway got old really fast, I tended to just grit my teeth and pushed myself to finish the walks without any breaks.

By far the greatest indignities when it came to having Maggie assist me came in connection with getting dressed and maintaining personal hygiene. At least initially, the combination of a sprained right wrist and a left leg in a long cast made getting dressed and bathing a huge challenge. The apartment bathroom was absolutely not set up for someone who had limited mobility and a need to keep a plaster cast out of water, especially someone who had full use of only one, non-dominant hand. Even brushing my teeth left handed was a challenge. Actually taking a shower or washing my hair by myself was a near impossibility, even after my mom arranged for a plumber to add a hand-held attachment to the standard showerhead.

Because it just took too damn long in the mornings, Maggie and I developed a routine after I finished my walks for the day. First I would sit on the bathroom floor with my head leaning back over the tub while Maggie used the handheld to wash my hair. That wasn't too bad. It actually felt nice to just close my eyes and get a scalp massage. What followed, however, was always awkward and hopelessly embarrassing. Because the cast had to be kept dry, I couldn't take an actual bath or a shower. Instead, we would wrap the cast in a plastic bag and I would situate myself on a portable bench inside the bath tub that Maggie procured specifically for this purpose. I'd lather myself as best as I could with my left hand and she'd finish those parts of me that I couldn't reach and then rinse me with the handheld. That all worked for everything but the most intimate areas. Even though I'd been with dozens of women and had never a problem stripping in front of them, this was completely different. For one, with the other women I'd always been in control and they wanted to see me naked. But more than that, like it or not, Maggie was genetically related to me, so the whole thing just had the maximum gross out factor. Nor was I particularly eager to share the experience with Rose. The last person I wanted handling my nether regions, other than my sister, was her girlfriend.

As a stop-gap, we thought we might be clever and have me start off wearing something to cover myself up. My first thought was my swim trunks, but they proved much too long and impractical. I then switched to boxers, which were better, but still not great. The following day, Maggie got Rose to buy me a bikini swim suit that didn't belong on any straight guy outside of an Olympic diving competition. The suit was horribly embarrassing, but in addition also pointless, since the cast and the sprained wrist made it impossible for me to remove the suit after I got into the tub.

After a few days of lots of fumbling and attempting to get through the ordeal with a system of towel screens, with me nearly toppling over in the tub a couple of times, Maggie threw up her hands in frustration.

"There has got to be an easier way to handle this," she exclaimed, and left the bathroom.

"Hey," I called after her, alarmed. Perched on the bench as I was, it was impossible for me to get out of the tub without help. She was gone for about 10 minutes, and I was really starting to worry when all my subsequent calls went unanswered. But the real panic set in when Maggie returned, with Emmett in tow.

"Okay, you're a guy and he's a guy, so there should be zero embarrassment there. Emmett has agreed to help with this part, so you boys get to it and let me know when it's safe to come back in.

"Oh hell no," I protested. "Maggie, what the fuck are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking that neither one of us particularly wants me to see you naked or handle your junk, but you need to keep clean, so this is the perfect solution to the problem."

"No fucking way," I shouted. "No way am I letting a fag strip me naked. What the hell? Get the fuck out of here, Emmett!"

"Relax, Edward," Emmett said coolly. "You don't have anything I haven't seen before and I have absolutely zero attraction towards you, so there won't be any problems on that front. Maybe all the women out there found you irresistible, but I'm a little more discerning. Unless, of course, you're worried about yourself?"

I snorted. "As if, McCarty. In your dreams."

"Okay," Maggie said. "I'll let you boys sort out the various dream and nightmare scenarios here. Just get cleaned up, Edward, and for God's sake try to be a little gracious. It's not like anyone is paying Emmett to do this for you."

"Maybe he should be paying me," I yelled behind her retreating back, but I didn't know how much she heard before the door slammed shut behind her.

Trapped in the close confines of my bathroom with my oversized gay neighbor, dressed only in a swimsuit that barely hid anything, I'd never felt more uncomfortable in my life. Emmett and I eyed each other warily as he put down the lid and perched on top of the toilet. Finally, he sighed.

"This doesn't have to be so complicated, Edward. Just pretend you're in a locker room. Plenty of guys must have seen you naked that way, right?"

"Yeah," I admitted, "but none of them were helping me undress and wash."

"And for the most part that will still be the case. I'll help you undress and keep your balance, if you need, but you'll need to do the washing yourself."

After a moment's consideration and the realization that I really had very little choice, I finally agreed to his plan. He helped me stand and told me to hold on to his shoulders. Then he leaned down and slipped his thumbs into the waistband of my speedo, pulling the suit down to my thighs. I was absolutely mortified, as his face was now only inches away from my cock.

"Lift up your right foot," he ordered matter-of-factly as he slipped that side of the suit lower and off my raised foot. "Now the other side, just raise it a little." I moved my casted foot. He stretched the leg opening of the speedo to pull it down over the cast and off me altogether. "There. You're all set. Nice equipment, by the way," He said, straightening up and winking.

"Um, whatever" I said, a furious blush spreading over what seemed to be my entire body. I'd never been attracted to Emmett, but standing in front of this admittedly very good looking and well-built guy, completely naked and vulnerable, somehow made his comment more flattering than it should have been. I stared down at the floor in horror, just praying that I wasn't gonna get hard. Not that I would ever normally worry about that with a guy, other than Jasper, but I hadn't exactly had time or opportunity to take care of those types of needs lately, and sometimes that kind of shit just happened. It was the last thing I needed. I would never live it down.

"The soap is on the vanity," I said, looking for any distraction. He reached over and handed it to me, modestly keeping his eyes high, though since he'd already seen it all, it hardly made a difference.

"Just don't drop it," he muttered. I glanced at him in horror, only to see a giant smirk on his face. I couldn't help it. I burst out laughing, and he soon followed.

"All right," I said. "You've made your point. I'll stop freaking out. You don't have to worry about where to look anymore. I'm sure you, of all guys, really have seen it all."

"Edward, was that a compliment?" he pretended to be shocked. "Or are you calling me a whore? 'Cause between the two of us..."

"Never mind, McCarty," I rolled my eyes. "Forget I said anything. Just... thanks for your help."

"You're welcome," he said. "Now get washing. I don't have all night."

After that night our routine changed. Emmett came over every evening and helped me shower and change into my sleep shorts. Only after that was done did Maggie wash my hair. It made life so much easier for both me and Maggie, and I thanked Emmett by springing for Thursday night beer and pizza for the four of us (though Maggie watched me like a hawk and only allowed me one beer, so as not to unduly impede my recovery). On occasion, when he wasn't otherwise engaged, Seth would join us as well, and to my never ending shock, the group began to gel. For the most part Maggie and Rosalie weren't man-bashing lesbians, and while they referred to gay boys in general as self-absorbed and excessively vain, they conceded that they could put up with a group as small as ours. Of course, I kept telling them that I wasn't gay, but I may as well have been speaking Swahili for all the attention anyone paid me. I finally gave up and stayed silent, though I never once agreed with or even acknowledged their assessment, figuring it was pointless to beat my head against four brick walls. What they thought didn't matter nearly as much as what I felt, and I sure as fuck didn't feel queer.

What I did feel was depressed and lonely, knowing a vital part of me was gone. Since we came back to Seattle after Thanksgiving, there hadn't been anyone other than Jasper whom I found even remotely attractive, male or female. Not that I spent a lot of time looking. There was no point in looking, when I knew the exact person I wanted to be with, and I knew I wouldn't find him in Seattle. So it really mattered little if people chose to call me straight, gay, bi or whatever else came to their minds. I didn't want men or women. I just wanted Jasper.

When I first came home from the hospital, I was too worn out by attending classes and walking and the bathtub acrobatics to do much else other than studying, eating and sleeping. Even though I desperately wanted to continue my discussion with Emmett about Jasper, I simply had no energy for it. On several occasions Maggie asked what happened, but even though she knew Jasper, or maybe because she knew Jasper, I resisted. I didn't feel like sharing those moments with anyone other than Emmett, who could possibly help, and maybe Seth, who already pretty much knew everything anyway.

Once Maggie arranged for Emmett to help with my nightly shower and I got over the anxiety of being nude in the presence of a gay man, it became much easier for the two of us to hang out and talk, and we started spending more time together. Seth was usually out in the evenings, and while Emmett didn't seem to mind hanging out by himself, he also didn't object to coming over to my apartment when the girls were at one of Maggie's receptions, or to me going over to his place to get away from the chicks when they were around. We didn't really have all that much in common, so as often as not we talked about Jasper. Sometimes he would just let me talk without comment. Other times he'd throw in a question. Still other times he'd start me off with a question of his own.

"So when did you realize that you wanted Jasper?" he asked me one night. I knew the answer, of course, as it had been something I thought about quite often, but for some reason I hesitated to share it. It was embarrassing how long I knew before I had the balls to finally admit the truth to Jasper. Still, as much as Emmett already knew about me, what was another embarrassing revelation? So I launched into the story of the night I found Bella with Jacob, and how, even drunk, I was completely giddy when Jasper had told me he loved me and then demonstrated his love with that amazing kiss.

"All the way back then?" Emmett asked incredulously. "More than a year ago? And all this time you didn't just stay quiet, but actually acted the way you did when he came out? Jesus, Edward!" he shook his head slowly. "What were you thinking?"

I cringed, fully aware of how stupid my behavior had been.

"I was jealous when he came out," I tried to explain.

"Jealous? Jealous of who?"

"Jealous of you, of course. I thought you were together. I thought he had already chosen you. From the first day we met you and Seth, there was something in the way you and Jasper interacted. Seth is more like me, I think. We're not as warm, we don't get as comfortable with people as quickly. But you and Jasper hit it off right away. I could see it. I tried to tell him not to associate with you, but he protested, even threatened to move out. He only ever did that when he felt really strongly about something. It hurt that he would do that over a guy he just met."

"Wait," Emmett interjected. "Do you seriously mean to tell me you tried to order Jasper not to be friends with me?"

"Yes," my voice was small. It wasn't my proudest moment.

"Do you realize that's exactly what James did?"

I looked at him in shock. "What do you mean?"

"I mean James also ordered him to stop associating with his friends. I couldn't figure out why he would agree to that, but now it's a little clearer. He stood up to you when you ordered it, and he ended up losing you. When James demanded the same thing, he probably didn't want to risk losing him too, so he did what James wanted. He cut off all contact with his friends and family for James. Having been your friend and putting up with your demands over the years, that request probably didn't even seem strange to him. Not at all," he shook his head again, sadly.

"Wait," my thoughts were all jumbled as I tried to make sense of what he was trying to tell me. "Are you saying that it's my fault Jasper stayed with James?"

He looked at me and opened his mouth, then closed it. He waited a moment before he started speaking. "I don't know if I would use the word fault. Look, Jasper loved you, for a long time. He looked up to you, followed your lead, for the most part let you control his actions. After you rejected him we set him up with really nice guys, but he always said there was no spark. I think he was looking for someone with the qualities you had. And he finally saw those qualities in James. It must be what attracted him to James in the first place."

"It wasn't the Jaguar and all the presents?" I mumbled quietly, bitterly. Not quietly enough, apparently.

"You should know Jasper never cared about stuff like that. He may have been impressed by it, but he wasn't attracted to it."

I nodded. That was true. Jasper had never really cared about material things. But if Emmett was right, then I was even more to blame for what happened to Jasper than I thought. I buried my head in my hands. It was bad enough when I thought what I did when he came out sent him right to James. Even the possibility that what I'd done in the past somehow made it easier for James to do what he did to Jasper made me crazy.

"You can't change the past, Edward," Emmett said, as if reading my mind. "The only thing you can do is learn from it and adjust how you behave in the future."

"What if there is no future, Emmett? What if he never comes back?"

Emmett sighed.

"Even if there is not future for the two of you, it's not the end of your life, Edward. You can still find someone else and build a relationship for the long term on a solid foundation..."

I shook my head vehemently.

"I don't want anyone else. That's not an option."

I hid my face in my hands as the tears started falling. I wanted these conversations. I wanted to know what I did wrong, so I could at least understand why he left the way he did, but learning that I'd done just about everything wrong, not just that night but seemingly for years, was so hard to handle. Emmett moved closer to me and folded his arms around me, pulling me into his chest as I wept.

"Things might still change, Edward," he murmured. "He might still come back."

I didn't answer. I just soaked up as much comfort from him as I could, though it would never be enough until Jasper was back in my life.

There were more evenings like that one - evenings where Emmett got me to talk about my past with Jasper, sometimes outright criticizing, sometimes letting me figure out on my own where and how I made mistakes. I never knew it was possible for someone to cry as much as I did in those weeks. I'd go home, red eyed and exhausted, wondering how the hell Jasper had put up with me as long as he had. Seeing myself through someone else's eyes, the way he must have seen me, I wouldn't have wanted to be with me either.

The more time passed, the more it seemed like Jasper's decision was permanent, and the less hope I had that anything would ever be the same again. My depression deepened, but now that I was being watched like a hawk I did my best to eliminate all outward signs. I showed up for all my doctors' visits, even went to see Dr. Kaiser, a dentist recommended by Rose, to deal with my tooth. That was probably the most pleasant experience of the whole ordeal, as Dr. Kaiser was gentle and kind and she didn't ask many questions, so for once I didn't have to give any explanations. It was a little tough dealing with the soft-food diet immediately after the surgery, but I managed to get through it and, in the grand scheme of things, mushy food was the least of my problems. With a new implant in place and the bruises nearly all healed, I almost looked like my own self. It was amazing how I could look in the mirror and see absolutely no signs of what had happened. Everyone told me I was extremely lucky, and I didn't disagree, at least not out loud.

After a month, the long cast was replaced by a short one, running from below my knee to just above my ankle, giving me a much greater freedom of movement and a whole new exercise regimen. I followed Maggie's instructions and went to all my classes and physical therapy appointments. I studied in the afternoons before doing more exercises, and sometimes again in the evenings, when Emmett was too busy to see me. He never said anything, but I knew those evenings he was talking to Jasper, and I envied him that more than anything. I would have given so much just to hear Jasper's voice. Once I even asked Emmett if he would let me listen in, just for a moment, Jasper would never even have to know I was there. Emmett just looked at me, sadly, and shook his head in denial.

"It would only make things worse for you," he explained. I tried to protest, but he would have none of it. "You're tortured enough right now, Edward. No need to pile on."

So instead of hearing his voice, I had to stay in my apartment, knowing that the two of them were talking, and that Jasper was sharing with Emmett things he clearly did not want to share with me. Maybe it was better not to actually hear his voice, but it sure as fuck didn't feel like it.

There were many evenings when Maggie wasn't at home, playing at some event or another. Most of the time Rosalie accompanied her as her guest, both to be with her and to expand her potential client base by networking with the attendees. During one rare evening when we were all home eating dinner together, curiosity got better of me as I watched little gestures of affection pass between them, so I asked and found out that was how the two of them met.

"I thought it would just be a regular work night," Maggie explained. "Yet another charity fundraiser. Most of the time when I played at those I hardly even noticed the guests, but this time was different. There was this amazing blond that kept crossing my line of sight," she smiled at Rosalie and reached out to grab her hand.

"Imagine how I felt. I'd just donated nearly the entire commission from my last sale to attend this event, fully intending to use it to meet new clients, and instead I found myself distracted by a gorgeous redhead playing the piano," Rose continued the story. "I'd never, ever chased anyone in my life, but that night I found myself orbiting the piano just hoping to get her attention, and hoping that my sixth sense telling me that she'd be receptive to another woman's advances was right."

"When I took my break Rose asked if I wanted company, but I declined. She seemed so far out of my league. I was too intimidated."

"Come on, admit it, you were just playing hard to get," Rosalie ran her fingers over Maggie's cheek with gentle affection. "Trying to drive me crazy. And it worked!"

Maggie laughed, and in that moment I finally saw her not as the girl from Forks I'd known and resented almost my entire life, but as the woman she'd become. She'd never been fat, but since graduation she had lost some weight, so that the beautiful bone structure she inherited from her mother really stood out, accented by my father's green eyes. Her hair, which she'd always pulled back with a headband in the past, was now arranged differently every day into a variety of styles, all of them more flattering than the careless look she sported in high school. With a start, I noticed that she even wore make-up, albeit so light that it was almost impossible to tell. I was suddenly glad that she hadn't discovered this look while we still lived in Forks. If she had looked then the way she looked now, it would have been a hell of a lot harder to keep all those guys away from her, even if she didn't welcome their company.

"So what happened?" I prompted when the two of them seemed so lost in each other's eyes that neither remembered to continue the story.

"Oh," startled by my question, Maggie turned her attention back to me. "Nothing else happened that night. Except after the reception I went home and had some fairly vivid dreams featuring a certain someone," she said coyly in Rosalie's direction. It was Rosalie's turn to laugh.

"And, as you know, I did a little more than just dream about you that night, Freckles."

"All right, that kind of stuff I really don't need to know," I interrupted. "I'm good with just the basics."

"Well, I admit I was a little confused and disappointed when your sister turned me down," Rosalie supplied. "I still didn't know if she wasn't attracted to women in general, or if it was just me."

Maggie snorted. "As if anyone in their right mind could help being attracted to you."

"Really, Mags, I don't think your brother here is particularly attracted to me, or Seth or Emmett," Rose replied with a smile, which Maggie promptly waved off.

"Stop with the semantics. You know exactly what I meant."

"Anyway," Rose continued, "I called the event planner for the charity to get Maggie's name and number, and then I conducted a discreet investigation, but no one in my circles had ever heard of Maggie, so that was a dead end. Good thing though," she mused. "If the women in my circle had met her before me, she likely would not have been single that night. I was fortunate to find her before they did."

Maggie blushed. "Rosie, stop."

"So I was on my own, still with no answers and only Maggie's name and phone number. So I did the only thing I could. I got a friend of mine to plan a function and hire Maggie as the entertainment."

"Wouldn't calling her and asking her out have been simpler?" I asked with a raised brow.

"Maybe," Rose acknowledged, "But it also would have been too easy for her to turn down a stranger on the phone. I figured I had a better chance in person."

"Of course I had no idea," Maggie contributed. "I thought it was just another job. Imagine my surprise when I saw this beauty again. And this time she was more persistent."

"Once your sister revealed she was on my team and single, there was no way I was gonna give up without at least one date. I told her that I'd very quickly deplete my bank account if I had to keep organizing functions for her to play at, and that she could make both of our lives easier if she'd just agree to have dinner with me."

"So you agreed?" I asked Maggie.

"I had no choice. Rosie can be very persuasive when she sets her mind on something. It's why she's so successful at work," my sister's pride was evident in her voice.

"So we went out to dinner and it was fabulous, and then afterwards..."

"Okay, I get the idea," I interjected before Rosalie could go into details. She and Maggie both burst out laughing.

"Oh my God, Edward," Maggie choked out as she continued to laugh. "I wouldn't have thought you were such a prude."

"I'm not a prude. It's just that I have zero interest in hearing the details of your sex life."

This was very much true, but it was more than that. I had asked for this story not realizing how painful it would be to listen to someone else gush on about their happiness, while my own life was falling apart. I'd heard just about as much as I could handle. I reached for my crutches and twisted to get up from the table.

"Thanks for telling me the story," I said to them. "I'm glad you found each other."

As quickly as the crutches would allow, I walked away from the table and back to my room, where I threw myself face down on the bed and did my best not to cry again. No matter what happened in the future, even if Jasper came back and somehow we were together, we would still never have what these girls had. He'd never be able to laugh and tell stories of what a great guy I was when we first met, or how I chased after him and made him feel special. The best I could hope for is that he'd forget all the years I'd been a selfish bastard and let us start from scratch.

The door to my room opened and I felt someone sit beside me, placing a hand on my back.

"Are you all right?" Maggie asked.

"I'm fine," my reply was muffled by the pillow.

"I'm really sorry, Edward, we didn't mean to make you feel bad with our story," she was more compassionate than she had ever been since moving in.

"It wasn't the story," I said, turning my head to face her. "It's me. It's knowing that no matter what I do now, I'd already fucked it up, and I will never have the kind of beginning that you and Rose had. I could never make up to..." I paused. I'd never actually told Maggie what happened with Jasper or how I felt about him. I knew she knew, having either guessed it herself or learned it from Emmett, but we had never talked about it and I wasn't sure I wanted to start now.

Maggie didn't push me to keep talking. She just ran her hand soothingly up and down my back.

"You're changing, Edward," she finally said. "For the better. There was a time when you'd never have listened to or appreciated my and Rosie's story. There was also a time when you wouldn't have been able to recognize that you did things wrong, much less admit it. When you strip away all the shit that our asshole father filled you with while you were growing up, there is a good man inside. Find that man and nurture him, because life is all about second chances, and when your second chance comes, you will want to be ready."

Before I knew it, spring term was coming to an end and I was, once again, cramming for finals. Because Rosalie and Maggie weren't in school, I actually spent quite a bit of time studying with Emmett and Seth, either in their or my apartment. While there was still no love lost, Seth and I were starting to tolerate each other. It wasn't easy, because there was no one in the world other than my father who so successfully could make me feel like I wasn't worth the oxygen that I breathed. Emmett was mostly kind as he listened to me talk about my past, and even when it was clear he disapproved of the things I'd done, he was still sensitive in how he offered his advice. Seth, on the other hand, was too much like me, never pulling any punches. And damn if the little bastard didn't know just how to deliver a jab where it would hurt the most. Sometimes Emmett would try to interfere, but Seth never backed off.

"He dished it out to everyone around him for years. It's good for him to get a taste of his own medicine. At least I'm trying to be helpful, which is more than he ever did for anyone."

Seth was definitely the expert in tough love, but after that comment I asked Emmett to just let him say whatever he wanted to say. He was right, I deserved to feel every bit as small as he made me, and I was determined to show him that I could take anything he felt he needed to dish out. Gradually we grew to respect one another and Seth did usually have good points to make, even if he didn't make them painlessly.

Finals this term were harder than the last term. Even though I only missed classes while in the hospital, I hadn't really paid as close attention in class as I had before. I crammed harder than I ever had and was fairly certain I did well in all classes, but I didn't rest easy until I received my report card in the mail, confirming that once again I managed to score a perfect 4.0.

As it turned out, none of us went anywhere for session break or the summer. Apparently Emmett secured an internship at a design firm he hoped to work for after graduation, and Seth decided to stay in Seattle to keep him company and earn money for school. I hadn't known this, but most of Seth's tuition and school expenses were covered by several Native American scholarships, while the rest came from loans and money he earned himself though summer jobs and freelance articles he wrote for on-line gay publications. Emmett explained that Seth's parents did not help with his school expenses at all. This fact alone made me admire Seth more than ever, knowing I'd never be able to figure out how to pay for a college education on my own. Being financially independent of my parents, like Seth, was something I desired above all else.

The Sunday after finals I went over to Emmett's apartment to hang out and talk. I noticed right away that something was off by the way he stayed really quiet and didn't want to meet my eyes. At first I left him alone, not wanting to make him any more uncomfortable than he already appeared, but then our conversation was going nowhere and I figured I had nothing to lose.

"It's Jasper," he said when I asked what was bothering him.

"What about Jasper?" I was instantly alarmed.

"He finally told me why he left," Emmett still wouldn't look at me, which I took as a bad sign.

"Why?" I'd been waiting so long for this information, I didn't even care it was coming second hand. Emmett, however, remained silent. I became frantic. "Emmett, you can't just tell me something like that and then clam up. You know how much I need to know this."

"I don't know if I should tell you. I was afraid it was something like this, and it's not good."

"Wait, what do you mean you were afraid it was something like this? You thought you knew why he left and you didn't tell me?"

"I didn't know for sure and it wouldn't have made any difference. And if I'd been wrong telling you would have only made things worse. Knowing what I now know about you, I wish I had been wrong," he ran his hand through his hair.

"Em, why did he leave?" My voice was grave. I was dreading the answer, but I had to know.

"He was afraid of you. He was afraid you might turn into James."

My breath caught. The room was completely silent. So silent I could hear my own heart hammering in my chest. Emmett lifted his head to look at me and our eyes met. I was dumbstruck. This was the worst possible thing anyone could have ever told me. My best friend of so many years, a man who claimed to have been in love with me, a man who knew me better than anyone else on earth, feared that I would turn into an abusive monster. I felt nauseous and bile started rising up from my stomach. I swallowed convulsively to keep it down. I turned my head, though I saw nothing. How could he think that? How could he ever think that?

I vaguely felt Emmett's hand on my shoulder, shaking me lightly. I heard him saying my name. But I was stuck inside my head, with no way out, trying to understand how things had gotten so fucked up, trying to think what I possibly could have done to make Jasper believe I would abuse him and that he had to leave town to get away from me.

"Edward, come on, say something," I understood Emmett's words, but wasn't able to formulate a response. "Damn it, I knew I shouldn't have told you. I should have kept my mouth shut."

I suddenly snapped to. Whatever else happened, I couldn't let Emmett think that it was better to keep information from me. If there was any hope of fixing this, it absolutely depended on keeping the communication channel with Emmett wide open.

"Why? Did he say why? What made him think I would turn into James? Why were you afraid of that even before he told you?"

"I was afraid of it because I've seen you be controlling, and violent, and I was always afraid that your temper would cause trouble. As for Jasper, some of the things he heard and experienced that night before he left made him too afraid to stay."

"But I told you everything that happened. I didn't say or do anything..."

"I know what you told me you said. I also know what Jasper told me he heard. The two are not the same."

I closed my eyes. I had told Emmett the absolute truth about what happened that night, exactly as I remembered it. But if Jasper was telling him something different, Emmett would believe him over me. But why would Jasper lie to Emmett, especially now, after so many weeks had passed? What difference did it make?

"I know you don't believe me, Emmett, but I didn't lie to you. Will you at least tell me what he said?"

"Let me think about that, all right? Right now I'm just trying to reconcile the two sides. Figure out what might have happened. I know you tried to tell me the truth, and I know Jasper did too. I just have to think about how the two sides make sense together."

I went back to my apartment, because there was nothing else for me and Emmett to talk about. I felt hollow. I'd seen glimpses of myself in James, sure, but I would have never harmed Jasper the way that sick, sadistic fucker did. How could Jasper not see how important he was to me? Why didn't he listen when I tried to tell him? Opening up to him that night had been the hardest thing I've ever done, and yet all it did was push him away. And if he ran because he was afraid of me, and wouldn't give me a chance to explain or show him that he was wrong, then it was all over. He'd never come back. He was gone forever.

I hadn't driven since coming out of the hospital. At first the long cast made it impossible, and Maggie and I had become so used to her driving me everywhere, that when I switched to the short cast we just continued the same routine anyway. Now, however, I needed to get away. I knew exactly where I wanted to go, and I could not get there on foot. I stepped into the apartment only long enough to get to the side table to pick up my car keys. Maggie, who had been reading on the sofa, looked back.

"Hey Edward. I thought you were going to be at Emmett's. What's up?"

"I'm going for a drive." I said as I headed back out into the hall.

"What?" Maggie sounded alarmed. "What are you talking about?"

I didn't answer her, just pulled the door closed behind me and headed for the elevator. I pressed the button several times, willing it to arrive faster.

"Edward, wait!" I cringed as I heard keys in the lock and then Maggie's voice closing in behind me. The elevator doors were still closed, offering no escape. "What do you mean you're going for a drive? Wherever you need to go, I can take you."

"There's no need anymore, Maggie," I said through clenched teeth. "We both know I'm perfectly capable of driving with this cast."

"Yes, but you might need help once you get there. I'm going with you," she said authoritatively.

"I won't need any help. And I want to be alone."

"Why, Edward? What happened?"

The doors to the elevator opened and I quickly swung myself inside, pulling the crutches in behind me. Unfortunately, there was nothing I could do to stop Maggie from coming in as well. I pressed the button for the ground floor, where we'd taken to leaving the car in the handicapped spot right by the building's front door.

"Edward, talk to me. What's going on?"

"Nothing is going on, Maggie. I just need to be by myself and think."

"Okay, so come back upstairs. I'll go to the bedroom and you can have the rest of the apartment to yourself. I won't disturb you at all."

"No. I need to go for a drive."

"Edward, you haven't driven in weeks. If you want to start today, fine, but I'm coming with you."

"Maggie," I growled in warning as the elevator door opened. I hobbled out, with Maggie right behind me.

"Edward, you may be bigger and stronger than me, but while you're in that cast I still have an advantage and I can stop you. Don't make me do that," she cautioned. I stopped and looked back at her. Her face told me she was deadly serious.

"Fine," I snapped. "Come with me if you want. But don't say anything and when we get there just stay in the car until we're ready to come back."

"I don't know if I can do that, Edward, without knowing where we're going."

"We're going to a place where I can clear my head and think. That's all you're gonna get. If you wanna come, fine, but those are my conditions."

We walked out to the car. I unlocked the doors with my fob, threw my crutches in the back seat and got behind the wheel as Maggie got in on the passenger side. We buckled up and I pulled out, following the familiar route I'd driven dozens of times before. We didn't speak the entire way, not even once it became obvious exactly where we were headed. I could feel Maggie's eyes boring into me the entire way, but she kept her mouth shut and I did my best to ignore her and concentrate on my driving. When we finally pulled in at my intended destination, I was exhausted. I turned off the engine, leaned forward over the steering wheel and just rested against it, black thoughts clouding my brain. At some point during the last few weeks I had allowed myself to feel I was making progress, and to hope it would lead to a better outcome. Now all those hopes were crushed and the progress irrelevant. None of it mattered anymore. And to add insult to injury, I couldn't even come out here and wallow in my misery by myself.

Frustrated, I leaned back and slammed my fist into the steering wheel. I yanked the keys out of the ignition, opened the car door and stepped out, moving to the back and opening that door to get my crutches. Maggie got out of the car as well.

"Jesus, Maggie, can't you leave me the fuck alone?" I asked as I opened the trunk and took out the jacket and blanket I always kept there.

"If I thought it would make things better, I would," she said quietly.

"Nothing is going to make things better," I practically shouted. I saw several people in the vicinity turn their heads in our direction, so I lowered my voice. "Certainly not having you hang around like a Goddamn albatross around my neck."

"What happened, Edward? Things were going better for a while. You were improving. What changed when you went to Emmett's today?"

I turned away from her and started moving on the crutches towards the edge of the parking lot, but of course I couldn't avoid or outrun her, and she followed right behind me.

"Damn it, Edward, don't do this again. Don't shut us all out. Whatever it is you're going through, you don't have to do it alone. You don't have to be like Carlisle, always treating everyone like they're not worth the dirt you step on. And you don't have to assume that we're here to get something from you. Just open up a little and let us help you."

I stopped moving and looked back at her.

"You may not be here to get anything from me, but you are getting something from someone, aren't you? Isn't my mother paying you to do this? Do you expect me to believe that you would have come anywhere near me if my mother hadn't hired you to do it?"

"Yes," she didn't shout, but she spoke forcefully, heatedly. "If you honestly still believe that I did what I did for the money, then you're a bigger idiot than I thought you were. There would not have been enough money in the world for me to jeopardize my relationship with Rosalie by moving in with you if you weren't my brother and if I didn't believe that you really needed my help and that there was some good inside you that I could maybe coax out. Why the hell do you think I did what I did Senior year, the first time you tried to fuck up your relationship with Jasper? I knew you needed him, even if you were too dumb to recognize or acknowledge it. I knew he was the only person that kept you in check all those years, kept you from becoming a mini me replica of Carlisle, though you came too fucking close anyway. Did you for a moment even think about what being around you and supporting you unconditionally all that time did to him, as sensitive and caring as he was? I bet it never even crossed your mind! And then you repaid him for all that by tossing him aside like garbage, making sure he was ignored and isolated from everyone? If I hadn't stepped in then, what do you think would have happened? You would have completely broken that boy, and he would have been lost to you long ago. I helped you then, even though you were too stupid to know it, and I'm trying to help you now. So stop being so fucking proud and difficult, stop acting like our Goddamn bastard of a father, and let me in. Tell me what's going on and let me do what I can to help."

I was speechless. I always hated her for what she did Senior year, thinking she'd purposely tried to steer Jasper away from me. I never would have imagined that by keeping Jasper strong and forcing me to come back to him, she was trying to help me.

"Come on, Edward," she said more softly. "Talk to me. Maybe there's something I can do?"

I dropped my head for a moment, and then looked back up at her. "Okay," I conceded. "I'll tell you what happened. But this time there isn't anything you can do."

We found a place to sit with a great view down the mountain to the layer of clouds that obscured the world below. I gave her my jacket and wrapped the blanket around myself to ward off the cold. Even in the beginning of June, there was still some snow in Paradise, the snowiest place on earth.

"You seemed to know the way to get here pretty well," Maggie commented, "do you come here often?"

I shrugged. "Often enough, I guess. It's peaceful up here, serene. It's not called Paradise for nothing. Sometimes I wish I could just stay up here and never go back down."

"Everyone has to go back down eventually," Maggie said. "Even the park rangers don't stay up here at night."

I followed her eyes to see a uniformed ranger leading a small group of park visitors on a hike. It seemed like an ideal job. So much better than being stuck inside an office behind a desk all day. Being out in nature, teaching others to appreciate their surroundings. I couldn't think of a more productive way to spend time.

"So what happened, Edward?" she interrupted my thoughts. "What did Emmett say that got you so upset?"

"He said Jasper left because he was afraid I would turn into James."

Maggie stared at me blankly. "I'm afraid that doesn't mean anything to me. You're going to have to tell me more. Who's James?"

I sighed. Just about the last thing I wanted to do was to explain again how I drove Jasper into the arms of the man who would ultimately abuse him, or how for some reason Jasper was now afraid that I would do the same. But if Maggie was going to try to help, she needed to know everything, so I took a deep breath and went back to when it all started going downhill - Thanksgiving. I talked for a long time, leaving nothing out, until I reached the morning that I woke up and Jasper was gone.

"I don't understand how he could think that I'd turn into James, Maggie. I would have never hurt him like that."

"I'm sure when he started seeing James he never thought James would hurt him either, until he did. And like it or not, you have a history of violence. There are many boys in Forks who knew exactly what would happen to them if they disobeyed you or got in your way, and being shunned wasn't the worst of it."

I looked down at the ground. She was right. I had used my fists and more with a number of guys who got out of line.

"But I didn't care about any of them like I do about Jasper. They didn't mean anything to me."

"And you never did anything to Jasper?"

"No," I shook my head. "I might have come close once or twice, but I always stopped. I never actually hit him."

"What about spring break senior year? I know the official story was he tripped and fell, but there were rumors that you beat him up."

I glanced over at her, surprised. I wouldn't have expected her to listen to school gossip.

"I didn't beat up Jasper. I never hit him intentionally. Jasper hurt himself falling when he tried to stop me from going after a friend of his."

"So he did get hurt because of you?"

"It was an accident. I never meant for him to be involved."

"But you were trying to beat up his friend?"

I looked down at the ground again. "I guess when you put it like that..."

"Edward, can you see how he may have had reason to be afraid that someday you would get angry enough that you wouldn't stop and you would hit him?"

"But if he was worried about that, why didn't he talk to me about it? Why just run with no explanation? I told him I'd never let anyone touch him or hurt him again. Obviously that meant me as well."

"I don't know, Edward. Sometimes the way things are said can lead to misinterpretation. Only Jasper knows for sure why the things you did and said scared him. But look, at least now you know. That's something, isn't it? You can't fix a problem until you know what it is."

"But how do I fix it, Maggie?" I implored, hoping against hope she had the answer, "when I don't even know where he is?"

"I don't know," she shook her head. "At least he's talking to Emmett. For now you'll have to rely on him. It might take more time. I know how hard it is for you, but you have to be patient. He was only now ready to even tell Emmett what happened. It can't be easy for him. He's obviously been through a lot of trauma recently. It may cloud his perception and it may take longer for him to be ready to talk to you, but I'm sure eventually he will. He's always loved you, Edward. It was obvious. I'm sure he won't stay away forever. You just have to give him the time and space he needs to figure things out. And while you're waiting, you need to sort yourself out too. And please, stop shutting me out, or the other people trying to be there for you."

I pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration. "I'm trying. But it's hard. And it all seems so pointless right now."

She slid over closer to me so that we were sitting hip to hip, and put her head down on my shoulder. "Don't give up. It's never pointless to become a better person."

I wasn't exactly comfortable with it, but I wrapped my arm around her shoulders, because it seemed like the thing to do.

"See," she looked up at me and smiled. "You've learned so much already."

I rolled my eyes, but my lips almost involuntarily curled up into a smile. My sister, in her own way, was every bit as strong willed and as persuasive as I was. I looked out over the clouds and noticed that I felt better, all thanks to her. It was time to head back home.

"We should drive back," I said. "Rosalie will be getting home from the open house soon."

"Okay," she nodded and got up, holding out her hand to help pull me up. I took it gratefully and stood while she picked up and handed me my crutches. We started walking back to the car. "You know, I've never actually been up here before. Can you believe it?" she asked, her voice filled with the same awe I felt every time I was up here. "And it's so beautiful. I'd love to come back with Rose sometime. Can we stop in at the visitor center before we go?"

"Sure," I wasn't about to object. I liked the visitor center and all the information about the park. Inside, Maggie looked at the displays, while I picked up a copy of the summer program schedule. The cast would keep me from hiking, but I could come out to do some of the less strenuous activities, like the evening programs at Paradise Inn or the presentation on climate change. I also looked for volunteer opportunities, though with limited mobility and a full summer session class schedule, I wouldn't be able to do much.

"Do you have any questions?" I heard a deep male voice behind me. I turned to see a tall African American park ranger, looking official in his uniform. Since we were indoors, he wasn't wearing his hat, so his short, neat braids were clearly visible. A mustache and full, but very closely and neatly trimmed beard, surrounded his large lips. His deep brown eyes were topped by distinctive full dark brows. His expression was professional, but friendly.

"Not really," I replied. "I'd like to volunteer, but I need to wait until I'm in a bit of a better shape," I said, pointing to my leg.

"Tough luck," he said sympathetically. "Are you a member of the Student Conservation Association?

"No," I shook my head. "What is that?"

He launched into an explanation of a national program designed to help high school and college students interested in environmental conservation find internships and conservation projects. He spoke excitedly of becoming involved in the program while he was still in high school and continuing throughout college, eventually meeting his future wife during one summer internship.

"I went on to major in Environmental Science and Resource Management at UW and got a job with the Park Service. My wife is a grade school teacher, but she sneaks in conservation messages into her curriculum as often as she can. So we're both doing our part to teach future generations."

"Wow, that's great," I said, impressed. I'd never really considered getting more involved with conservation efforts, but this guy was giving me a lot to think about. "I'm Edward," I said, holding out my hand.

"Roger," he said, shaking my hand firmly. "You seem like a new convert."

"I guess," I admitted. "I just never gave this kind of thing much thought. But I'd love to do what you do. Tell me more about this Environmental Science major?"

Roger and I talked for quite some time, until I finally noticed Maggie out of the corner of my eye, clearly done with her visit and just waiting for me. Feeling guilty after realizing that we probably were not going to get home before Rosalie, I quickly made my excuses to Roger. We exchanged contact information, though, and he encouraged me to contact him if I had questions about any of the things we talked about.

"Sorry about that," I told Maggie sheepishly on the way back to the car. "I totally lost track of time."

"It's no problem, Edward," she said with a very genuine smile. "I called Rosie, so she knows we'll be late and is picking up Chinese."

"What? No nutritionally correct meals today?" I teased. "Dr. Colby wouldn't be pleased."

"One day off the prescribed diet won't kill you. You'll have to start eating regular food eventually. And I thought we could all use a bit of a break."

Back home Rosalie was waiting with our take-out dinner.

"So, Maggie said you got really wrapped up in talking to a super-hot park ranger," she teased. "Did you get his number?"

I balked a little, but eased up when I saw Maggie scowl and elbow Rosalie.

"As a matter of fact I did," I replied, "but that doesn't mean I'm gay, and neither is he. He's married and has a baby on the way," I added, just in case Rose planned to take her teasing further. "We were talking about the environment and the National Park Service."

"Huh," Rosalie was speechless, at least for a moment. "So are we living with the future Ranger Cullen? That is so cute! I love a man in uniform," she broke out into a song.

"You don't love men in or out of uniform," I said scornfully. "And yeah, maybe I will be a park ranger. It sure would piss off my father."

I looked at Maggie and we exchanged a smile. "Sounds like a great plan, Edward," she enthused. "You'd make a great ranger!"

Maggie, Rosalie and I spent a fun evening together, almost making me forget about Emmett and Jasper. I still had a hard time falling asleep, but I was thankful that at least I didn't spend the entire day dwelling on the situation. And now I had something else to think about. A potential new major and career. That was definitely a positive development.

Emmett and I didn't see each other for the next few days. I was reluctant to approach him and he didn't seem eager to re-establish contact. I finally started to believe that Jasper told him things that convinced him I was a liar and that my circle of friends, small and tenuous as it was, had just shrunk again, when Emmett called and asked if I wanted to come over. I didn't have to think about it at all. I dropped everything and hobbled over to his place.

"I decided to share what he's telling me with you," Emmett explained, "because I think he misunderstood many of the things you said and did. I get why he misunderstood. After James, he didn't want to take a chance on being wrong again, so he believed in the worst case scenario, and ran before it could escalate into the same thing that happened to him before. But I also get that you didn't mean things the way he took them. You were thoughtless and you said and did things that were just dumb, in light of what he'd just been through, but he took everything more seriously than you ever intended. And maybe he even got some of it right, but you still didn't mean things the way James did."

"I would never hit him, Emmett," I said emphatically, willing him to believe me. "But I talked to Maggie, and she reminded me of some things from our past that maybe he could have misunderstood."

"Like the fact that you used to beat up people when they didn't follow your orders?"

I hung my head and nodded. Maggie had been right. My past behavior with others made him afraid of me.

"He was terrified you'd start hitting him, and he said he couldn't stay because if you had hit him like James did, it would have hurt him a thousand times more."

I looked up at him, startled, not really understanding.

"He loves you, Edward. And he has loved you for such a long time. James was practically a stranger and they were together for a pretty short time, so he could forgive himself for making a mistake and not seeing the signs. And he didn't have so much invested in James. He realized that James only wanted to be with him because he sensed his weakness and he needed someone, anyone, to control. But he had known you forever and he needed to think that you felt about him the same way he felt about you."

"And I do!" I interjected.

"I know. But he wasn't sure, and he said if he found out that you only wanted to control him too, it would kill him."

I turned away, but the mirror created by Emmett's words, showing me the monster Jasper was afraid I would become, didn't disappear with the movement.

"He said you changed his class schedule, and he was afraid it was only so he wouldn't be on campus without your supervision."

"I just wanted us to be together," I whimpered.

"He said you told him you stressed that you wanted to be with him in the apartment, and that no one would ever touch him again. It was too similar to what James had done. He kept him in that apartment like a prisoner, and he was insanely jealous of even the most innocent interactions Jasper had with other men."

"Oh, God," I buried my face in my hands. I was starting to understand so clearly now. I'd been so stupid. "I didn't mean any of it that way," I protested, shaking my head in my hands. I felt moisture fall from my eyes onto my palms.

"Why didn't he tell me he thought those things? I would have explained."

"He left precisely because he knew you would explain, and convincingly too. He knew your explanations would be better than James', though he always had explanations as well. And Jasper knew he would want to believe your explanations more, because he loves you so much. He didn't trust himself to be able to tell when the explanation was real or when it was just something said to continue to control him and keep him from running away."

"So then I can't win? No matter what I say or do, he will think I'm lying!" The obviousness of my statement hit me hard. I looked at Emmett, hoping for a denial, but he just shrugged his shoulders heavily.

"I think the only way you can show him that he was wrong is by changing your behavior and doing that long enough so that he knows it's not just a trap, an elaborate ruse. And by giving him all the power and all the options, so that he's in control."

"Do you think that would work?" I didn't love what I was hearing, which sounded like even more time apart from Jasper, but I would do it if that was the only way to get him back.

"It's the only thing I can think of," Emmett explained. "He's seeing a therapist, so he's working on his problems and getting stronger. If he knows that you've made steps to change too, it could be the difference he needs to see to be able to trust his own judgment again."

Jesus. It hurt to think that something I did made Jasper feel like he couldn't even trust himself. I knew it wasn't just me. I knew James had a lot to do with that as well, but the things I did and said didn't help. Maybe there was some justice in what I was going through, having put him through a lot of pain as well, not just in the last year, but throughout our friendship.

"I'll do it, Emmett," I said with conviction. "I'll change. I want to change anyway, and not just for Jasper. I don't want to be a monster like my father. I'm gonna be different, and then Jasper will see that I really love him. Will you help me?"

''Sure, of course," Emmett looked surprised at the determination in my voice, and he sounded a little distrustful himself.

"I mean it, Emmett. After I left here Monday, Maggie and I went to Mount Rainier and we had a long talk. She told me a lot of the same things, and she hadn't even spoken with Jasper. But she said I should stop trying to do everything myself and let people in to help, so that's what I'm doing. I need help Emmett. I need your help more than anyone else's. You're my only link to Jasper, and I need that so much."

"Okay, Edward," he reiterated. "This is good. We should do something. Celebrate the start of a new you."

"We can do something, sure, but not as a celebration. We can celebrate later, when I really have changed. For now we can just hang out. What do you want to do?" It was surprisingly easy to ask the question I'd never asked before. It felt good to let someone else make the call. I smiled, and Emmett smiled back, and I felt I had taken a first step on a journey to a new me.

Emmett and I continued to hang out that summer, as often as our schedules allowed. His days were taken up with his internship and I had my summer classes. We talked a lot, when he wasn't talking with Jasper, and we went out too, sometimes alone, sometimes with Seth and, on rare occasions, even with the girls. Seth was growing on me. Sure, he could be a pill sometimes, but as I got to know him better I saw through the sarcasm and the bluntness, and even started to appreciate those qualities, knowing I could always count on him to tell me the truth, no matter how unpleasant.

It was surprising to me how well the five of us got along when we were all together. I was amused to no end by the interaction between Seth and Rosalie, both of whom teased each other mercilessly, but good naturedly. Emmett and Maggie, on the other hand, seemed to have taken on the role of my protectors, often stepping in when either Seth or Rose got on my case too much, even though I told them both repeatedly that I was fine, and I could take it. Well, I could take most of it. While Emmett and Maggie seemed to understand that my single focus was to try to get back together with Jasper, Seth and Rose continually tried to push me in the direction of other men. It didn't matter how often I told them that I simply wasn't attracted to anyone else, they kept at it every time we went out, until it got to the point that I dreaded going to bars or any places where they might spot a potential sex partner for me.

"It's not healthy to abstain as long as you have," Seth opined. "Especially for someone like you. You need to find a fuck buddy, and soon. Even if you do get back with Jasper, you won't last more than a couple of minutes after going without for so long. Is that the kind of impression you want to make?"

"Emmett hasn't been with anyone for at least as long as me," I pointed out, trying to deflect Seth's attention. "Why don't you try to find someone for him."

"Emmett's different," Seth waved his hand. "He has his stash of porn to keep him busy between boyfriends. And he's never been one to fuck around in the first place. You, on the other hand. . ."

"Enough, Seth," my sister stepped valiantly into the fray. "He's not ready yet. And besides, he's trying to change, not do the same things he's always done."

"Oh, come on, Freckles," Rosie piped in. "Pipsqueak here is right, all that sexual frustration can't be good."

"Pipsqueak?" Seth huffed, crossing his arms. "I'll take that as a compliment, coming from the 50 foot woman."

Thrilled that the squabbling caused a shift in their focus, I signaled Maggie with my head and eyes and left the four of them in the bar while heading for home. Seth and Rose didn't mean any harm, but every one of their comments was a reminder of just how much time had passed since Jasper left town. I knew I needed to be patient, and I was trying hard, but my need for him never ebbed and the hole left by his absence was growing deeper and deeper, despite all my new friendships.

Partly in an effort to avoid Seth and Rosalie, I started hanging out with Roger and his wife, Yvonne. Despite the age difference, we found that our interest in the environment gave us plenty of things to talk about, and Roger became a mentor. He even introduced me to some of his former professors at UW, and talking with them convinced me that I wanted to follow in his footsteps. By the time fall term started my cast was finally off, and I officially declared Environmental Science and Resource Management as my major. The science classes I needed to take to satisfy my new major requirements were kicking my ass, but all the time I had to spend studying made for a good distraction. I also joined the SCO and I started volunteering at Mt. Rainier, finally feeling like I was doing something right.

Roger and some of the other rangers and volunteers went out to a local bar every Monday night, and I gladly accepted an invitation to join them. Since most of them worked or went to school, it was all about hanging out with the guys and there was no excessive drinking, something that had concerned Maggie when I first brought it up. I enjoyed the company and the conversation, though things often got just as uncomfortable for me as when I was out with the gay squadron, as my new straight friends seemed just as hell bent on setting me up with girls as the gays were about finding me a guy. I kept offering excuses about being too busy with school to bother with girls, but the guys, especially the ones who were married or in long-term relationships, and therefore off the market, seemed determined to live vicariously through me, and weren't inclined to listen to my protests. I considered telling them I was in love with someone and waiting for the right time to reunite with him, but I figured that would just create more problems than it was worth. I didn't know how they'd feel about my love interest being a guy, and since it hardly mattered while Jasper and I were apart, I said nothing.

My Monday night outings did not go unnoticed, and they seemed to especially annoy Seth. One evening he and Emmett and I were hanging out at their place watching a movie, when I was reminded of a raunchy joke I'd heard from one of the rangers, which I promptly shared. Instead of laughing, Seth just threw up is hands, exasperated, and headed to the fridge to get another beer.

"What's your problem?" I wasn't really in the mood for one of Seth's tantrums or lectures, but his sour mood was spoiling the evening for all of us.

"What's my problem? You really want to know what my problem is?"

"Yeah, I do. Quit huffing and puffing and let's just hear it."

"Okay," he set his beer on the kitchen counter and placed a hand on his hip, his face scrunched up belligerently. "My problem is that you sit here night after night, moaning about how you want to be with Jasper, yet you won't admit that you're gay and you set up these ridiculous outings with a bunch of straight guys to what, prove a point? It's ridiculous! It's insulting!"

"You're being ridiculous!" I exclaimed. "I get together with those guys because I like them. It has nothing to do with them being straight. That's just what they happen to be. And what does it matter? People are people, right? Did you sign some sort of a contract when you got your rainbow card that doesn't allow you to be friends with straight men?"

"Don't you dare try to make me out to be some kind of bigot. You should know damn well most straight guys couldn't handle hanging out with me and my friends. And it matters because you're still living a lie. You're in love with a man. You know what that makes you? Gay, Edward! It makes you gay!"

"Look, Seth. I don't care what you think. You saying it over and over does not make me gay," I looked to Emmett for support, but I quickly saw that was pointless.

"No, Edward," Emmett said calmly. "Seth saying it doesn't make you gay. What makes you gay is the fact that you're sexually attracted to another man. I mean, you told me you love Jasper and want to be with him. If that's true, you can't be straight."

"Fine," I conceded. "Maybe I'm not straight. But I'm not gay either."

Seth threw up his arms to the sky. "Are you fucking kidding me? What exactly are you, then?" He started pacing.

"Hold on a second, Sweetie," Emmett said, his voice still level. "I suppose he could be bi."

Seth stopped pacing and looked at me carefully. "He's not bi," he decreed and started pacing again.

"Are you still attracted to women, as well as Jasper?" Emmett asked, gently, apparently trying to make up for Seth's rudeness. As tempting as it was, I couldn't lie to him when he spoke with this much concern.

"No," I admitted. "But I'm not attracted to other men either. I just want Jasper."

"Oh, great! Brilliant!" Seth exclaimed. "What we have here, Emmett, is a brand new specimen of human sexuality. He's not a heterosexual, he's not a homosexual and he's not a bisexual. What exactly are you, then? Some sort of a unisexual? One unique partner only?"

"Seth," Emmett tried but completely failed to rein in his roommate.

"No, Emmy. This is great! Edward, here, can be our own little find. The unisexual! Oh, wait, I know! The Unihorn! We can put him in the same league as vampires, werewolves, Nessie, and other mythical creatures. Let's alert the media! We can sell tickets! We'll be rich!"

"Fuck you, Seth," I got up off the sofa. "I don't really care what you think. And I don't need to sit here and listen to you insult me anymore," I said, heading towards the door.

"Edward, wait!" Emmett implored behind me. "Don't go."

I paused and turned to look at him over my shoulder.

"Why does this matter so much to you guys? You already think what you think, and I admit I love Jasper. Isn't that enough? What difference does it make if I say I'm gay or not?"

"It makes a difference to Jasper," Emmett said quietly.

All the righteous indignation I built up during Seth's diatribe drained right out of me.

"Did he actually say that? That it makes a difference to him?"

Emmett nodded. "You've told him many times how much you hate gay people. . . "

"But," I tried to protest, but Emmett silenced me with his hand.

"And even though you told him it didn't matter to you that he was gay, he's still not sure you can accept him totally. He's worried you won't want to be friends with his gay friends and, worse, that you won't let him stay friends with them. And he's worried that you'll never acknowledge your relationship with him publicly."

"But that's not true. You know that's not true."

"Did you tell him that you didn't want to be seen with Seth and me in public?"

I frowned. It seemed my words were like spirits, ready to come out and haunt me when I least expected them.

"I may have said something like that before, but you know that's no longer the case. I go out with you two all the time."

Emmett sighed. "I know, but I can't tell him that. I think it would freak him out to know I'm friends with you."

I came back to sit on the sofa. Seth stood in the kitchen, drinking his beer.

"Edward," he said thoughtfully, "Have you ever asked yourself why you're trying so hard to deny that you're gay?"

I looked over at him, surprised by the question. I didn't know how to respond.

"Okay," Seth continued. "We know you've had sex with lots of women, but did you ever really enjoy it?"

I kept staring at him. These were questions that I'd had in the back of my mind, but never allowed myself to ask or answer.

"Let's try a different way," Emmett offered. "Why did you have sex with all those women in the fall, even though you already knew you wanted to be with Jasper? Did you really want them, or were you trying to prove to yourself, or him, that you were straight?"

"Neither," I answered honestly. Seth came in from the kitchen and perched himself on the coffee table right in front of me.

"Now I'm really confused," he said. "You're not making any sense."

"I thought he was straight," the sentence came out whiny and I saw Emmett wince.

"Why would that make a difference?"

I took a deep breath as I thought about the logic that led me to act the way I had in the fall. It made perfect sense at the time, though I could certainly see the idiocy of it now. Could I possibly explain it in a way that didn't make me seem like the biggest imbecile on the planet?

"Back in Forks, I once arranged for a double date for us. At one point Jas and I were both with this one girl, at the same time."

Emmett's eyes opened wide. "You and Jasper had sex with a woman?"

"Well, if you want to get technical, she was blowing him while I was banging her."

He grimaced. "Nice, Edward! That's very sensitive. Banging her?"

"Well, that's what I was doing. I sure as hell wasn't making love," I said scornfully.

"Have you ever?" he asked quietly.

"Have I ever what?"

"Have you ever made love? To anyone?"

I looked at him, confused. What the hell was he getting at?

"Never mind," he said. "Let's go back to how thinking that Jasper was straight led you to fuck all those women."

I winced. "I wanted him, but when I asked him to be with me, trade hand jobs the way we had in Forks, he said no," I started to explain, desperate to make him understand. "So I thought if I found women who didn't mind two guys, we could do them together."

"Ah," Emmett started to understand. "That was also the brilliant idea the night he came out, right?"

I hung my head.

"But if you guys traded hand jobs in Forks, didn't that give you a clue that maybe the two of you weren't exactly straight?"

"I guess I thought doing that wasn't gay. I mean, it's just jerking off. It's not really sex."

Emmett buried his face in his hands and exhaled loudly with frustration. Seth rolled his eyes slowly, purposely exaggerating the motion.

"Oh yeah," he said. "Of course all guys do that, and of course it doesn't make them gay. Enlighten us, Edward, what other sexual things do straight guys do with each other?"

I stared down at the floor. In retrospect, it did seem a little foolish for me to have thought straight guys let other guys jerk them off. But Jasper had gone out of his way to make me think he was straight, and I knew I wasn't gay, so what was I supposed to think?

"Cat got your tongue?" Seth prodded. "That's because there isn't anything, Edward," he continued when I remained silent. "Straight guys don't do anything sexual with each other. That's what makes them straight. And you know the real reason why you can't answer my question? Because you're not one of them!"

"Edward, did you ever enjoy being with a woman as much as you enjoyed being with Jasper?" Emmett's question was gentle.

"No. But how could I have had sex with all those women if I was gay?"

"Being gay has nothing to do with who you are capable of having sex with," Emmett stated. "It has everything to do with who you want to have sex with. If you want to have sex with women, you're straight; if you want to have sex with men, you're gay; and if you want both, you're bi. That's it. It's that simple. You want to have sex with a man and aren't attracted to women. Therefore, you're gay, regardless of how many women you sleep with. Do you understand?"

I nodded. I was tired of the debate and they were right, I had no need to be straight. I didn't want any women. I did want one man. And that one man wanted me to be gay. By Emmett's definition, which seemed accurate, that was the only option that made sense for me. So I decided to stop fighting it.

"All right," I capitulated. "I'm gay. I'm a gay man who loves another gay man. And so to answer your earlier question, Emmett, I guess I have made love, once, when I had sex with the man I love."

Emmett and Seth exchanged a look. "Finally!" Seth exclaimed in triumph and got up. "But you're on your own with the love making, Emmy. You know I'm not one for that either." He walked to the kitchen, tossed his beer bottle into the recyclable bin, grabbed a fresh bottle from the fridge, and went into his room.

I looked over at Emmett. "What did I say?"

"Edward, the difference between fucking, or banging, as you so eloquently put it earlier, is more than the identity of the person you're with and how you feel about them. You had sex with Jasper, but did you really make love?"

I could tell by the way he asked the question and the tone of his voice that it would be wrong to answer in the affirmative. I felt foolish again. Was there really such a big difference between fucking and making love? I knew how to fuck. I had no idea what more I needed to do to have fucking turn into lovemaking.

"Do you want to tell me what you did when you and Jasper were together?" Emmett asked.

"Not really, Em." I was suddenly feeling very self-conscious.

"Okay. Let me ask you a question, then. How was what you did with Jasper different than what you did with the women you've fucked?"

I frowned. "Well, he was a man, so I tried to be even more, I don't know, masculine. I figured that's what he would want. Someone commanding."

"Masculine? Commanding?" Emmett furrowed his brow. "What exactly does that mean?"

"I don't know. We kissed and we were getting excited, so we went into the bedroom, stripped, kissed a little more and then we made love."

It felt wrong somehow, giving Emmett the details. Then, as I watched his facial expressions, I suddenly knew that I wasn't really relaying any information he didn't already have.

"Jasper already told you all about it, didn't he?"

"Yeah, he did," Emmett was unapologetic, but he was also cautious. This couldn't be good. Fuck! My first time with Jasper and clearly I came up short. I assumed I knew enough to wing it, but it sure as hell didn't look like that was Jasper's assessment. So not only was Jasper afraid I would turn into an abusive monster, he also thought I was an inferior lover. No wonder he took off running at the first opportunity. In his mind, I had absolutely nothing good to offer, nothing that made it worth it to risk staying.

"Obviously I screwed up," I grimaced. "Can you just tell me what I did wrong instead of making me stumble around answering questions on a subject I clearly know nothing about?"

Emmett let out a heavy sigh, followed by a nod, as if he'd answered some sort of silent question. "Jasper said you weren't," he seemed to search for the right word, "tender."

I sat back, surprised. "I don't really do tender," I acknowledged. "I never have with anyone. And I thought with two men that really wouldn't even be an issue."

He shook his head in disappointment again. I was starting to hate that move, as it was so often directed at or caused by me. At least he didn't yell and belittle me, like my father would have and had under these types of circumstances. But still, the inadequacy I felt every time I saw his head move from side to side was as strong as anything I'd ever experienced.

"Everyone needs tenderness, Edward," his tone was actually kinder than I imagined it would be. "You don't have to treat other men with kid gloves, but everyone needs to be kissed, and stroked, and touched in a way that lets them know you care about them and want to please them. When you make love to someone, you take the time to do things that make them feel desired, and special, and cherished. That's the biggest difference between just fucking and making love. Fucking is all about you getting off. Making love is about making sure the person you're with gets as much out of it, if not more than you do. That's the best way I can explain it."

"I didn't know," I said, and it was the truth. I never really cared about getting anyone else off during sex. I figured everyone should just do what they needed to make sure they got as much out of sex as they wanted.

"Jasper said you never touched his cock during sex, and that you did it from behind, as if you didn't want to see his face."

"He was stroking himself," I protested, "and what other way is there for two guys to do it? How could I possibly see his face?"

"He said you didn't prepare him, and he's seen you prepare at least one girl for basically the same act."

Oh shit, Lauren! Blood drained from my face as I remembered stretching her before I fucked her in the ass while she was blowing Jasper. But it had been her first time, and she was a girl, so much smaller. I stretched her as much for myself as I did for her. Jesus, was Jasper comparing himself to her? She was a skank, she meant nothing. And he thought I cared about her more than I cared about him?

"I thought since he'd had sex before he didn't need..."

"Oh, come on Edward," Emmett got to his feet and walked away in frustration. He turned back to look at me. "You can't be serious," he said. "You're an athlete, right? Or used to be? It's a muscle, for Christ's sake! Just because you work it out doesn't mean it stays stretched forever. Forget lovemaking, it's just basic courtesy, even with a trick. I mean sure, sometimes in the heat of the moment you can get carried away, and if the guy is experienced and had sex recently enough it may not be an issue, as long as you use lube. You did use lube, at least, right?" he looked at me expectantly and I just nodded my head. "But when you're with someone for the first time, especially someone you claim to love," he picked up right where he left off, "you should damn well make sure that they're prepared and ready."

"I guess I should have thought about that, but I didn't know. How the hell was I supposed to know?"

"You could have asked," Emmett pointed out. "Jasper was experienced, he would have gladly told you what he needed, showed you what to do."

"But I didn't want him to think I was so inadequate I had to ask," Even as I said the words I realized the folly of my thinking. By not wanting to appear inadequate, I ensured that I had been exactly that. And being inadequate was a thousand times worse than looking inadequate. Emmett was right, Jasper would have told me what to do. He wouldn't have held the fact that I had to ask against me. I would have done things better the first time, and maybe had opportunities to improve. Instead, my pride ensured that I did exactly the wrong thing and drove him away. And now I might never have the chance to make up for it.

I saw Emmett watching me, his silence a clear sign that he knew I already figured out for myself everything he might have said. He came back to the sofa and sat beside me.

"You didn't even think to kiss him afterwards?" He asked quietly, almost reluctantly.

I didn't respond. I put my head down and ran my hand through my hair, resigned. I was a hopeless fuck up. Completely unredeemable. I had no idea how I would ever make this up to Jasper, assuming I would even have a chance to try.

"Despite everything, Jasper still loves you, and misses you," Emmett once more showcased his mind reading abilities.

"How can you possibly say that?" I asked, looking up at him through my tears.

"I can say it because he told me so himself. He's not happy about it. He feels it's a weakness. But his feelings for you are very strong. I can hear it in his voice. All hope is not yet lost. You may still have a chance to show him you've changed for the better."

"When, Emmett? How long? What do I have to do?"

"I don't know," he hesitated. "He just started school again. He's settling in. Right now it may not be the right time. It might be too much?"

"But soon?"

"I don't know," he repeated.

The wait was killing me. Every day seemed like an eternity. Actually, the days were all right. School and working at Mt. Rainier kept me too busy to think about much else. But evenings were something else altogether. Even when I was with other people, on some level my mind dwelled on Jasper. I couldn't help wondering if all this extra time was helping him heal and put things in perspective, or if it was helping him forget me and everything that happened. Emmett said Jasper still loved me, but he also said Jasper saw it as a weakness, and I knew damn well a weakness was something you worked to eliminate, not grow.

There had been a shift in the dynamics in the apartment as well. It was subtle, and it crept up on me, because I was spending less and less time at home with all the other stuff I had going on, but eventually I noticed that sometimes I would walk into the room to find Rosalie and Maggie reviewing some papers and brochures. They weren't necessarily secretive about what they were looking at, but they didn't seem to do it when they knew I'd be around. It wasn't any of my business and I didn't mean to pry, but I wondered what was going on and it was yet another agitation, rubbing my nerves raw. Finally, one evening Maggie said she and Rose needed to talk to me about something. We sat down at the dinette table and I was surprised at just how much unease I felt about whatever it was they were about to tell me.

"So you're obviously feeling better these days," Maggie started. I nodded, because to an extent it was true. Physically, I was pretty much back to my old self. "You haven't needed any help in a while, and you're probably getting tired of the two of us always hanging around."

I was surprised, both at her words and at the feeling of dread that filled me as she said them.

"You know Rosalie and I were about to look for a new place when Esme called," Maggie continued, as Rosalie grabbed her hand and smiled. "And that we put those plans on hold to move in here. But obviously that was a temporary situation, and now that you don't need us anymore, it's time for us to move on."

"Oh," I should have expected it, but for whatever reason I did not, and the announcement hit me much harder than I would have thought possible. As much as I resented the idea when Maggie arrived at the hospital, I'd begun to enjoy living with the two of them, knowing that there would almost always be someone at the apartment to talk to, even if the conversation was just casual, about the events of the day. Even Rose, though she could, at times, be a giant bitch and a pain in the ass, especially when she got on one of her OCD cleaning streaks, had grown on me. I completely forgot that our living situation was not permanent, and was completely unprepared for being abandoned yet again.

The old me would have spewed something caustic and sarcastic to hide my real feelings. I was trying hard not to be like that anymore, so I said nothing, though I still tried to bury my disappointment. The two of them needed to get on with their lives, and I didn't want them to even think about staying out of pity for me.

"When?" I asked the logical question. How long did I have before I was alone again?

"Well, we've been looking at listings for a while, trying to decide whether we wanted a condo or a house," Rose offered. "A condo would work for the short term, but we do want a family, and a house would be better suited for that, so maybe it makes more sense to just get that now."

My head shot up in surprise. "A family?" I asked. "But..."

I caught myself before I said something stupid. That in itself seemed a miracle. Rosie and Maggie, however, didn't miss anything.

"I know what you're thinking," Maggie said. "It's what everyone else thinks too. We're young, we haven't been together long. But we know what we want. We love each other and this is the perfect time for us to start a family. Rosie's career is taking off, but I'm at home during the day and I can stop playing at night if necessary, maybe teach lessons from home instead."

"That's," I really didn't know what to say. My sister was talking about buying a house and having kids with another woman, and she wasn't even 19 years old. It was crazy, and yet she seemed perfectly happy and committed, in direct contrast to me, miserable and alone, stuck in a holding pattern, waiting and hoping for a reunion that might never come. "Wow, that's really something."

Maggie and Rose exchanged a look. I guessed mine wasn't the reaction they were hoping for. "I mean, that's really great," I tried to recover. "Good for you. So I guess you found the house you want? Is that why you're telling me now?"

"We have a few homes in mind. We'll go through them this weekend, pick our favorite and make an offer" Rose said.

"Oh, okay. Good luck," I was so out of my element here. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't build up enthusiasm, not even fake enthusiasm. "Um, I have a lot of reading for my class and lab tomorrow, so I'd better go do that," I rose from the table. "I hope you find the perfect house," I offered before retreating to my room.

"Would you like to come with us?" Maggie asked behind me. I turned just in time to see Rose's surprised look.

"No, that's all right. I have stuff to do in the park all weekend," I could tell by her expression that Rose was relieved, but Maggie seemed unconvinced. "Besides, I know nothing about houses," I added for her benefit. "I'd just be bored and get in the way."

Back in my room I didn't even bother opening my book. I'd lied about the reading, which I had finished earlier in the day. I just needed to think, start figuring out how I would deal with the empty apartment again. At least Emmett and Seth would be down the hall, my friends now, so I wouldn't be completely alone. And my Monday nights were covered with Roger and the other guys from the park. But I'd still have tons of time by myself. Too much time. Time to think, and miss, and worry. Was I strong enough to make it? How long before I started to backslide? I couldn't take the risk of falling into my old habits before I got a chance to show Jasper how much progress I'd made.

I got up and strode out of my room, startling Maggie and Rose who were still at the dinette, looking over what I now realized were home listings.

"Everything OK, Edward?" Maggie asked, alarmed.

"Fine. I just need to see Emmett."

I strode down the hall and knocked on the door. "It's me, Em," I called. "Are you home? I need to talk to you."

Seth opened the door, wearing a slightly puzzled expression.

"What's up, Edward?" he asked. "You sound awfully determined."

"Is Emmett around?" I cut right to the chase. I didn't have time to play Seth's games.

"I'm here," Emmett said, coming out of his room. "What's going on?"

"I need to see him, Emmett. I don't want to wait any more. I need to go see Jasper now. Where is he?"

"What happened? What changed all of a sudden?" Seth asked behind me.

I turned back at him and scowled.

"It's been almost six months, he's been at the new school for more than a month. There's no point in waiting any more."

"There is if he's not ready to face you yet," Seth observed. "And when I spoke with him the other day he didn't seem ready."

"How do you know?" I challenged. "You're making an assumption. You can't know that. Even he can't know that," I turned back to Emmett. "I need to see him," I implored. "More time won't make a difference, except to give him a chance to forget anything good about me. This is as good as I'm ever gonna be. I need to show him I've changed. Please, Em. Just tell me where he is and let me try."

"Don't do it, Emmy. It's not time yet," Seth opined. I ignored him and concentrated on convincing Emmett.

"Maggie and Rose are moving out," I told him. "I'll be in that apartment alone." I watched his face and knew he understood without me having to say more. He was vacillating.

"I'll do whatever it takes, Emmett. I'll move to wherever he is, if I have to. I just can't wait anymore. I can't take the chance that he'll forget, or meet someone else. Please."

"You'll be honest with him? You'll tell him everything? You'll share your feelings and won't hold anything back?"

"Yes, Em, I swear."

"Emmy," Seth sounded a warning. "This won't end well."

I didn't look back or acknowledge him. Only Emmett mattered. "Please," I repeated.

Emmett sighed. He rubbed the back of his neck with his right hand, thinking. He looked at Seth, and I was certain that all was lost.

"All, right," he said. "He's in Rochester, New York. I'll get you the exact address. And we need to talk."

I followed him to his room and we spent the next few hours talking, trying to figure out what I should say and how I should say it when I finally saw Jasper again. When we were done, I went back to my apartment and booked a flight for the following day, frustrated that the earliest flight I could catch still didn't get me into Rochester until almost 4 in the afternoon. Then again, Jasper would probably be in class during the day, so evening was a better time to catch him.

I debated on what to pack, and in the end decided to take nothing except for the sketch I had intended to give him before he left. I didn't want to be bogged down with luggage, having to figure out what to do with it once I landed in New York. I didn't know if I'd have to stay in a hotel or if Jasper would let me crash at his place, as I fervently hoped. Either way, I was sure I could find a store to buy whatever new clothing and toiletries I might need. With nothing in hand but the gift for Jasper, I could take a cab directly from the airport to his apartment, getting me closer to him that much faster.

I didn't sleep at all that night, instead going over my conversation with Emmett and all the different permutations of my meeting with Jasper. I briefly thought about my work at Mt. Rainier and school, but decided that I would be willing to give that all up if I had to in order to be with Jas. I had absolutely no doubt that if I could work things out with him, however long that took, everything else would just naturally fall into place.

I wrote a note for Maggie, letting her know where I was heading, and left the apartment at 4:00 a.m. to drive myself to the airport. Only once I was actually in the air did I allow myself to give in to exhaustion. I slept all the way to Chicago, and then grabbed some food to go from the food court in the American Airlines terminal, before boarding the next flight. A couple of hours later I was walking out of the Rochester airport, looking for the next available taxi.

I was filled with a mixture of excitement and trepidation. The cab ride from the airport to Jasper's apartment was absolutely nerve wrecking. I had no idea what to expect. I knew he didn't really want any contact with me, but while he could easily refuse to take phone calls or read e-mails or letters, I hoped he wouldn't be able to turn away from a face-to-face meeting. It was a huge gamble, but I was ready to tell him and show him just how much I'd changed. I was ready to put everything on the line for him, to do whatever I had to do to rebuild our relationship and make it work.

The cab pulled up in front of an apartment building with Jasper's address. I gave the driver enough cash to cover the ride and a generous tip and hopped out. The building had a locked front door and an intercom to notify residents of visitors waiting to be let in. With no small amount of fear, I pressed the button beside Jasper's name. I looked around, but didn't see a security camera anywhere, so I figured it was a voice-only system. After a few moments with no response, I pressed the button again, shifting my weight from foot to foot in nervous anticipation. The whole plan could fail entirely at this point, if Jasper refused to see me after hearing my voice. I had to be as convincing as I could be right from the start.

There was still no answer after the second and the third buzz. He wasn't home. I didn't know if I should feel disappointed or relieved. I decided relief was more appropriate. If I stood in front of the door, he would have to walk past me to go inside, and that would give me the face to face meeting I was hoping for.

It was cold and windy, and the sidewalk in front of the building provided no shelter from the elements, but I barely noticed. I alternated between looking to my left and my right, trying to spot Jasper's familiar figure. On occasion I would look down at the sidewalk, just for a change of scenery, then look up across the street. I was just at the end of one such visual circuit when I looked up and saw him, standing on the sidewalk on the other side, obviously staring at me. When our eyes met, my whole body reacted. I'd been waiting for this moment for six months, and now it was finally here. I felt a wave of hope and jubilation. Despite the distance, I could see that he had a reaction to seeing me as well. I was about to break out into a smile, when I saw him turn and start to walk away.

I felt confusion, and then panic. This was not what was supposed to happen. I couldn't let this happen. He couldn't just walk away after all this time without hearing me out, giving me a chance to explain.

"Jasper!" I yelled his name, hoping it was a mistake, that once he realized it was me he would turn back, but he just kept walking away. "Jasper, wait, please!" I yelled again as I looked for a break in traffic. Finally the cars cleared and I was able to run across the street and after him. My heart broke when I saw him start running, but I knew I this time I could not let him get away. There would be no other chances after this. I had to catch him and make him hear me out.