Chapter 50

Click here to read the Disclaimer and Warning.

Chapter 50

"Good morning, campers. Rise and shine!"

I groaned at the sound of Rufus' way too loud crackling voice. Overnight Jasper must have turned over, because I was now spooning his warm, naked body, my morning wood pressed into his ass crack. I snuggled closer into him, thinking if every morning started like this, I'd never want to get out of bed.

"You boys awake up there?" Rufus spoke again.

I cursed under my breath, knowing he wasn't going to give up until he knew we were, indeed, awake. With my eyes half opened, I slid my arm out to feel around the sleeping bag for my jeans.

"Edward, Jasper, time to get up," Rufus continued after a momentary pause. My hand finally felt denim. I yanked up the pants to feel around the waistband, glad these were indeed my jeans and the radio was clipped onto them. I unclipped it and pressed the button to talk.

"Morning, Rufus. I'm up. Thanks for the call."

"Late night last night?" he chuckled knowingly. "Do you need some extra time this morning?"

I glanced over at Jasper who, despite the noise, hadn't stirred. I wondered how easy or difficult it would be to get him up and ready.

"Let me give you a call in a few minutes, all right?" I asked hesitantly, knowing I had already put him out.

"No problem, Edward. I'll talk to you soon."

I tossed the radio aside and slid back into the sleeping bag, returning to my previous position pressed up against Jasper's back. I wrapped my arm around him and buried my nose in his hair, inhaling deeply. He stirred and mumbled, but didn't wake up. I knew he was probably still exhausted, but this wasn't the right morning to lounge around. Not without defeating the entire purpose for spending the night in Stehekin to begin with. I began to kiss his neck while drawing slow circles on his stomach with my hand. After about a minute, he stirred and groaned.

"Good morning, sleeping beauty," I said quietly.

"What time is it?" he rasped out, slowly turning to face me.

"It's a little after 8. You missed Rufus' wake up call."

He groaned again.

"I know. I wish we could sleep in longer, but it's just not possible today. We can sleep 'till noon tomorrow," I added as an incentive, "or even longer if you want."

"Oh yeah?" he seems slightly better at hearing that option. "You're not lying just to get me out of bed?"

"I'd never lie to you, Jas," I said seriously, wanting him to know in no uncertain terms that I wasn't joking. "Besides, think for a minute," I added, making my tone lighter. "Do you honestly think I'd ever lie to get you out of bed?"

He chuckled and nodded. "You make a good point."

I stared down into his clear blue eyes and knew there was just one other thing that had to be done before we got up. I leaned my head forward and kissed him slowly. He closed his eyes and melted against me before snapping his eyes open and pulling back, his hand flying to his mouth.

"Cummy morning breath," he mumbled with his hand over his lips.

I shook my head in disbelief. "I couldn't care less. It's your cummy morning breath, and I love it. Unless mine is horrible," I stopped talking.

"No," he smiled, pulled his hand away and placed his lips over mine. We kissed again and then, as if by mutual accord, parted and sat up. He rubbed his eyes, then started laughing.

"What?" I asked, amused and loving the sound of his happy, light laughter.

"We're pitching another tent this morning," he giggled. I looked to our laps, where our morning hard ons had still not deflated.

"Damn," I complained. "We really don't have time to take care of these right now, and I gotta piss."

"Me too," he commiserated. "Come on. They'll go down by the time we're dressed."

"Can't wait that long. I'm just gonna throw on my boots."

"You're going out there naked in broad daylight?"

"What? It's natural. Besides, this time of day there's not gonna be anyone out there to see anything. But you can throw on clothes if you want," I unzipped the sleeping bag as I spoke and reached to pull on my boots. "Though, I'd much rather you didn't," I added with a smirk. He said nothing, just followed my lead. I unzipped the tent and we made our way to the same tree we'd christened the night before.

"Ahhh," I sighed in relief as urine jetted out in a strong stream out of my hose. We both laughed as Jasper did the same, our streams crossing. We continued to piss in silence, the flow eventually slowing. We stood close to each other, and before we were totally done he tipped his head to the side and rested it on my shoulder. I leaned my head so it rested on top of his, then transferred my dick from my right hand to my left while I wrapped my right arm around Jasper's waist. We shook off in unison and just stood there for a moment.

"You know, there may just be something to this camping thing," Jasper finally joked, lifting his head and elbowing me in the side.

"You've just barely scratched the surface," I pointed out, "but if you'd like to do more in the future, I have my own gear. We can always go somewhere closer to home."

"Like the back yard?" he teased.

"Well," I thought my back yard with its proximity to the lake and other amenities, actually wasn't a horrible idea. "Yes, that's one option. Or the Mountain, if you want something more authentic."

"We can figure it out later. For now, we have to pack all this junk up, right? Before Rufus gets here?"

"Right, and I have to radio him back. Come on."

We returned to the tent and I made him crawl in first just so I could get a good look at his ass. He knew it and giggled, even moving his butt from side to side a little to tease me.

"You're a bit of a glutton for punishment, aren't you?" he asked when I joined him inside.

"What do you mean?" I asked, reaching for the radio.

"Our lube situation hasn't changed, yet you torture yourself looking at something you can't have right now."

"Jas, under no circumstances, no matter how painful, would I ever pass up a chance to check out that delectable ass of yours."

"Hmm," he was skeptical. "Really?" he got to his hands and knees again and deliberately gave me a view of his backside as he crawled towards our bag to get out fresh clothes. Unable to resist, I pounced, grabbing his waist and taking a giant, albeit light, bite of his cheek, near where I could still see a faded outline of my teeth marks from the previous night.

"Ugh, you brute!" Jasper tried to fake outrage, but failed miserably as he dissolved into a fit of giggles.

"Edward, did you fall back asleep up there?" We both stopped laughing upon hearing Rufus' scratchy radio voice.

I let Jasper go and grabbed the radio, pressing the send button. "Sorry Rufus, had to answer nature's call. We're just getting dressed. Should be ready to go in 20-25 minutes."

"Roger that, see you boys then."

"Guess we'd better get dressed, huh?" Jasper asked from where he had laid down on the mattress. He turned over and sat up, running both his hands through his hair. "Do you think Norah would let us use her shower? I really need to wash my hair."

His wish gave me an idea. I picked up the radio again.

"Rufus?"

"Yeah?"

"Think you could bring our food up with you and then make a stop at the pastry company on the way into town? I'm gonna get one of those rooms at the lodge that were left available last night so Jasper and I can shower and have breakfast before we head out again."

"Shower, right. Good hygiene is important," Rufus chuckled and I rolled my eyes. "Sure, I can do that."

"Thanks, Ruf."

"You don't have to pay for a room just so we can shower, Edward. I can live with the hair for one more day," Jasper sounded like he was sorry he'd said anything.

"I wouldn't do it if I didn't want to. We could shower at Norah's, but this way we'll have all the time and privacy we'll need. And I thought it might be nice to shower together," I expressed my hope.

Jasper tossed me my shorts and tee shirt and I started pulling them on. "That would be nice indeed," he confirmed. "Our first shower together," he said with a happy grin.

"Right," I confirmed with surprise, having somehow forgotten that this was a milestone we'd never shared. "Our very first."

I pulled on my socks and boots and we packed up the clothes from the previous night into the duffel. We rolled up the sleeping bags and, after deflating it completely, the mattress. Then Jasper arranged everything in a neat pile and helped me pull up the stakes and fold up the tent. We were done by the time Rufus pulled up. We quickly threw everything into the jeep and got in for the ride down to the bakery.

The Stehekin Pastry Company had been in business for over twenty years and was operated by the Courtneys, longtime Stehekin residents. It was one of the few restaurants in Stehekin, and very popular with locals and tourists alike. In addition to the pastry shop, the Courtneys also owned and ran Stehekin Log Cabins and in 2007 accepted a license from the National Park Service to operate the Stehekin Landing Resort and a shuttle bus services. The previous summer I teased them mercilessly about renaming Stehekin Courtneysville, since it was becoming a one company town. They were good natured about it and the other residents didn't care. In a town with a population of less than 100, where most folks just wanted to get away from the stresses of everyday life, people were glad that the Courtneys were willing to take on so many roles.

That morning Cragg Courtney was behind the counter and greeted us warmly as we walked in to get coffee and pastries for the four of us. After all they did for us, the least I could do was buy coffee and breakfast for Rufus and Norah. After briefly chatting with Cragg and some of the locals who had stopped in for their morning coffee and conversation, we got back in the Jeep and Rufus drove us to the Stehekin Landing Resort. We left the camping gear in the car, but took out our food and duffel and went over to the office, where I assured Roberta Courtney that we did want the room for just a couple of hours.

"We were camping and you know there are no facilities out there, so we'll just grab a shower here, if that's okay."

"Of course it's okay, Ranger Cullen," Roberta wore a smirk that said she didn't for a moment believe all we'd do in the hotel room is shower. I knew protesting wouldn't make any difference, so I just took the key and gave her a wink, knowing Stehekin could always use some salacious gossip.

"She totally thinks you're gonna throw me down on the bed as soon as the door closes behind us," Jasper chuckled when we were out of hearing range. "Maybe we should have asked if she has what we need to make that happen."

"Ha! I don't think so. Having her believe she knows what we'll be doing in that room is one thing. Asking her to provide lube and condoms is quite another."

Jasper grimaced a little.

"What? Did I say something?" We were at the door to our room, so I quickly unlocked it and we walked in. I put our food on the little table and tossed the duffel onto the bed, then turned to face Jasper.

"I don't know if this is the best time to discuss this," he said reluctantly. "But it is something that's bothered me since that night."

"We have time and if something's bothering you I want to know. Let's just sit and have our breakfast and we can talk. You can tell me anything. And you should tell me everything that is bothering you."

"Okay," he took a swallow of cappuccino and a bite of his cinnamon roll. I could tell he was stalling, but I didn't want to rush him, so I ate my Danish and drank my coffee as well, waiting until he was ready. Finally, he took a deep breath. "Back in Forks, and even in Seattle, you were with all those women and I never once saw you use a condom or even talk about one. But then that night we came back from Easter, you put one on before you...before we had sex. I didn't think much about it during, but afterwards...I hated that you did that. It felt like you didn't want to touch me directly. Like you thought I was dirty. I didn't know if it was because I was gay, or because I'd been with James, but then you had no idea who all those women you'd picked up in bars had been with before you, and you never used one with them..."

He stopped and stared at the tabletop. His shoulders were tense and his free hand was curled into a tight ball. I could actually feel how difficult that had been for him to say, and as his words sank in, my heart broke. All these years I had carried with me the knowledge from Emmett that I hadn't been tender enough with him the first time, that what we did that night had nothing to do with lovemaking. That had been hard enough. Now I was learning that on top of all that, Jasper had somehow convinced himself that I'd used the condom the first time we were together to protect myself from him, instead of the other way around? He actually believed that I did that because I thought he was dirty, when the exact opposite was true? I wrapped my hand around his balled up fist.

"I had no idea you felt this way, Jasper. I never, ever felt that way about you. I'm so sorry I behaved in a way that could even be interpreted that way. I rushed things too much that day. I should have kept my pants zipped and my mouth talking, explaining, asking questions. But it was all so new to me and I wanted you so damn bad."

"But why the condom?" he asked. "Why then and never before?"

"Because of you, but not for the reasons you thought. Just the opposite. I think I told you my father really messed me up," I glanced at him and he gave me a small nod in confirmation. "He told me that real men didn't use condoms. That they just stopped the enjoyment. That the women should be on the pill and we should pull out."

"But he's a doctor!" Jasper exclaimed. "He of all people should know condoms are about more than preventing pregnancy."

"I know," I said regretfully. "I can't explain it. Maybe because we were in Forks so he thought the danger of STD's wasn't as high? I really have no good answer for why he told me what he did. But I listened to him, so I never used them, because I wanted to be a real man."

"Okay," he nodded slowly, as if trying to wrap his mind around what I was telling him. "So what changed?"

"Those pamphlets that Alice dropped off. A lot of them talked about STD's, and about how anal sex was riskier, especially for the bottom. I thought about the women I'd been with and, like you said, I didn't know thing one about them. I got tested, and everything came back clean, but that wasn't good enough. I had to make sure you were safe. So I wore the condom for its intended purpose, because for the first time I was with someone who mattered to me, someone I cared about more than anything."

"You were protecting me?"

I nodded. "Always. As best as I could."

He had tears in his eyes and looked like he was struggling with what to say. I stood up and by the time I walked over to him he was standing too. We embraced wordlessly. I held him tightly, feeling his tears seep through my shirt.

"Jas, don't cry, please. Don't be sad."

"How? How can I not be sad? I was so wrong about everything. I just assumed the worst."

"Jasper, you had enough experience assuming the worst and being proven right that you couldn't have known this was the exception and not the rule. I should have talked to you. And I know from Emmett that the way I took you that night..." it was my turn to choke up. "I know how you felt and I understand. I was a coward, Jas. I had no idea what I was doing and instead of admitting that and asking you, I just faked it. I thought you wanted someone masculine, strong, infallible. I didn't want you to see how scared and confused I was. I didn't think you'd want me if you saw that.

"I also didn't want you to think I considered you effeminate, so I didn't do some of the things I might have done for girls. I thought your experience meant you liked it a little rougher than girls did. That's why the lube, the right preparation, was so important last night... This time I'm going to do everything I wish I had known to do the last time. But that was on me. If I hadn't been too scared to ask... Anyway, I can't blame you for making that assumption. I blame myself, for giving you every reason to think what you did."

He said nothing, just shook his head against my shoulder and kept crying.

"Jas, listen, we stayed up way too late last night and you were already exhausted, so this is hitting you harder than it normally would. Come on, let's go take that shower together, okay? It'll make you feel better, I know it will. All right?"

"Yeah," he sniffed. "I don't even want to know what you think of me. I'm sorry. I'm not usually so emotional. I don't know..."

"I'm only holding it together because I think you need me to right now," I confessed. "If not for that, I'd be bawling too. I'd done plenty of that over the years."

"Really?" he looked up in disbelief, but I could tell he was also searching for confirmation.

"Yeah," I leaned in and kissed him. "And if you really want to know what I think of you, come join me in the shower. I won't just tell you, I'll show you."

His lips turned up in a hint of a smile. He raised his arm and used his wrist to wipe the tears from his eyes. "Promises, promises," he said quietly. "We still don't have what we need for you to really show me, do we?"

"Maybe I can't show you everything," I conceded, "But I think I can illustrate my feelings pretty well anyway. Come on."

I pulled him to the bathroom and turned on the water to warm as he began to strip. I quickly caught up and soon we were both ready to get into the shower/tub combo. I grabbed the hotel provided shampoo and soap.

"These okay, or do you want your own?"

"Oh, I think I'll grab my shampoo. I guess I'm a little picky," he gave an apologetic shrug as he jogged out into the room to get his toiletry kit. "Want me to get yours too?" he called.

"Sure," I wouldn't have minded using the hotel stuff, but since he was out there anyway it didn't cause any longer of a delay. He returned with both our bags and we stepped under the water after retrieving our shampoos and his soap. We set everything on the built-in shelf in the tub surround and adjusted the shower head to our height.

"God, this feels good," Jasper closed his eyes and sighed in pleasure as warm water streamed over him. I followed the water's path from his head to his toes. He was so fucking gorgeous, and it was so incredible to be this close to him and be able to see all of him, and touch him! I reached out and placed my hand on his chest, circling my fingers around his nipple before pinching lightly.

"Ugh, that feels better," he looked down on me, "but if you keep doing that we may not leave this room today."

I didn't want to stop, but he did have a point. I was already more than half hard, and we hadn't done anything yet. I glanced down to see him in the same predicament. I promised myself I would exercise self-control, but only after I reached down and wrapped my hand around us both, giving us a long stroke reminiscent of the previous evening at the falls. He groaned and I let go.

"You're right," I admitted, making sure my reluctance to stop was clear. "Tell you what. Why don't you turn around and I'll wash your hair? That way I'll still get to touch you, but we might actually get out of the shower before we turn into prunes."

He chuckled, but turned around. I took his shampoo and poured some into my palm. I set the bottle aside, put my hands together to distribute the shampoo and then reached for his head. I gently and slowly massaged his scalp with my fingers as I simultaneously worked up the shampoo lather in his hair. He moaned appreciatively and brought his hands up as well, slipping his fingers over mine.

"Hey, I thought this was my job," I protested.

"It is," he agreed. "I just thought we could multitask a little." I could hear the smile in his voice and soon understood the reason and he brought his shampoo covered hands down and back, slipping them between us and running his fingers through the hair of my treasure trail down to its natural end.

"Oh," I exclaimed in surprise, even as I continued to wash his hair. "I never appreciated the idea of multi-tasking quite this much before."

Jasper snickered a little as his hand dipped between my legs and cupped my testicles, delivering quite a pleasurable massage. I thought how easy it would be to get used to this kind of attention on a daily basis, and then for some reason was reminded of the time Emmett had to help me with my daily hygiene regiment. The latter made me laugh out loud, which then prompted Jasper to ask what was so funny.

"Nothing, really. I was just remembering a time when I was hurt and Emmett had to help me shower," I explained.

"You and Emmett showered together like this?" his voice was light, but I could tell he was surprised and curious, with what might have been a slight hint of jealousy.

"No, of course not. Nothing like this. It's just that for months my leg was in a cast up to my thigh and the tub shower combo in our old apartment was not an ideal setup for bathing with that kind of an injury, so Emmett would come over and just hand me things or hold stuff like the shampoo or soap. He helped me take off my underwear, but other than that there was definitely no hands on help. That was still back when I refused to acknowledge I might be attracted to guys, and there was no way I would have agreed to it if he'd had to touch me. It was hard to let him help me in any way in that kind of an intimate setting."

"So when was this? It sounds like maybe pretty soon after I left? What happened to your leg?"

I sighed, suddenly realizing I walked right into a conversation I knew we had to have, but had been hoping to avoid, at least while we were bathing together. There was no good way to back out of it now, however. As if sensing the sudden increase in gravity of the discussion, Jasper removed his hand and leaned back against me, but didn't take back his questions or offer me an easy way to avoid answering. I dipped my head and placed a kiss on his shoulder before I started speaking.

"I took it pretty hard when you left," I began. "After Emmett convinced me that you hadn't been kidnapped by James, he stopped talking to me altogether. I thought you'd come back. I had hope while your stuff was in the apartment. I went to my classes, because after the first term I couldn't afford to do badly or I would get thrown out of school, but otherwise I was always in the apartment, waiting. And then one day Emmett came and took all your stuff away and said you decided not to come back. I was devastated."

Jasper whimpered and turned around, wrapping his arms around me and pressing his face into my chest.

"Do you want me to stop?" I asked, swallowing past the lump that formed in my throat as I recalled those dark days. He moved his head from side to side.

"I need to hear this. But it's always been difficult for me to think about you hurting, and knowing that I was the cause just makes it worse. That doesn't mean I can take the easy way out, though, and ignore my role in what happened. So if you can, please keep going."

"All right," I agreed. "But first, let's rinse out this shampoo."

He conceded, moving his head back under the water. I rinsed my hands, then used my fingers to help work all the suds out of his hair, loving the feel of the wet, slick tendrils. Eventually he stood up straight and pushed his hair and water out of his face.

"Why don't I wash your hair while you talk?" he asked tentatively. "It would make me feel useful, give me something to do."

Wordlessly we switched places. I handed him my shampoo bottle and dipped my head under the water spray. I turned away from him but then stepped back so that his chest was right against my back and his cock pressed into the dip between my ass cheeks. I remained silent as I heard him pour out the shampoo and set aside the bottle, and only started speaking when I felt his hands entwined in my hair.

"After your stuff was gone, I started to hate the apartment. I only went back there to sleep. Sometimes I'd drive out to Rainier and spend the whole day there. The rest of the time I was on campus or in bars. It wasn't pretty," I swallowed hard again, remembering the dark time. With the number of people I had around me now that were always there to listen and give advice and support, it was almost impossible for me to believe how alone I had been in those weeks when he was first gone. Thinking back, it was a miracle I'd survived.

I noticed his fingers stilled in my hair and I could hear a change in his breathing. Tensions radiated from his body to mine. I could almost hear his thoughts.

"Don't, Jasper," I told him. "Stop blaming yourself. It wasn't your job to take care of me."

"But it was," he whispered. "It always had been. Until I decided to think only of myself."

In the shower I couldn't feel them, but I heard his tears in his voice. I reached up to remove his hands from my head and turned around, taking his face in my hands and looking deep into his eyes.

"I won't tell you anymore if this is the result," I said seriously. "What happened, happened. There's no point in trying to assign or take on blame. There never was. If I'd been a better friend, if I had done my job protecting you, you would have never gone through what you went through with James. And if you'd never had James to compare me to, you would have never left,"

"But I was done with James by the time I left. We'd talked about it all. I shouldn't have been so damn scared anymore that I couldn't think straight," he protested.

"It had only been a little over a month. Much too soon for me to have done what I did. Obviously I didn't know it then, but I do now. I should have been so much more patient. I should have waited. It was as much my fault as anyone's. Probably more."

He shook his head in denial.

"Jasper, listen to me," I implored. "I'll never be able to say I'm glad you left. It would be an enormous lie. But I am glad that you thought of yourself that night. I am glad you were able to react when you felt unsafe. You needed to learn to do that, and I know all too well how difficult a lesson that is for people who've been abused. You needed to learn to think about yourself, just as I needed to learn to think about people other than me."

"I needed to learn how to be selfish?" he was incredulous. "Why would anyone need to learn that?"

"Not selfish. At least not the way you're making it sound. You needed to learn that sometimes you have to put yourself first and that your needs were just as important as anyone else's. Pure selfishness is doing what I did when we were younger - pleasing myself at others' expense. You didn't leave for pleasure or power. You did it out of a perceived need. It's completely different."

He shivered, and I noticed that I unwittingly had been hogging all the warm water. I stepped back and pulled him towards me so that he could warm up.

"This really is not the best place for a talk like this," I pointed out the obvious. It suddenly dawned on me how much water we had just wasted pointlessly. "Let's finish cleaning up and we can continue after we're dry and dressed."

"Okay," he nodded. "But I do need for you to tell me the rest," he insisted.

"I will, as long as you stop blaming yourself."

"I'll try. That's the best I can do."

I didn't press for more, because I knew all too well how some emotions were too powerful to repress no matter how hard one tried. I just hoped this wouldn't be the case permanently for Jasper. I had to believe that once we talked about everything that happened in the past, we would be able to move on and focus on our future, leaving all our mistakes, real or perceived, behind, where they belonged.

We didn't linger in the shower, though I made sure we didn't rush either. It wasn't the sensual experience it could have been had I not opened my stupid mouth, but we both made an effort to set aside the conversation long enough to help each other cleanse and rinse thoroughly. As awkward and painful as my earlier revelations may have been, once we decided to postpone the discussion some of the heavy atmosphere lifted, and we were able to just be loving with each other. My favorite part was hugging and kissing him softly before we turned off the water, telling him I loved him and hearing him say it back.

We helped each other dry off and put on the clothes we discarded earlier. We brushed our teeth, fixed our hair and put away our toiletries before moving to the table and chairs set up in the room where we had set our breakfast when we first came in. We drank our cooling coffees and ate the pastries as I resumed my story.

"There was a period of time when I didn't speak with anyone except my mom. I considered killing myself, but I was too much of a coward."

"Edward!" he gasped in obvious shock and grabbed my hand.

"I've only ever admitted that to my therapist, and now you," I said. "But I'm telling you only so that you understand what happened. I haven't felt that way for years. Therapy helped a lot, and friends. I'm a different man now. There are no circumstances on earth that would make me consider that as an option, so you don't have to worry, okay?"

"Okay," he nodded slowly. I could see he was trying hard to believe me. "So what happened? Back then?"

I snorted. "Like I said, I was too much of a coward to do it. Too afraid I'd mess it up. Eventually I realized that I needed to talk to someone, so I went out to look for Alice. Only I was a few days too late. By the time I found her address and went over to see her, she was gone. She thought she had the flu, but it was bacterial meningitis. By the time her roommate realized it was more serious, it was too late."

"Oh, God," he whispered.

"I wasn't too happy with God that day. In fact, I'm still not sure how I feel about God and the shit he keeps throwing at us, if he even exists. But anyway, Alice was the one who told me that there was nothing wrong with being different. That just because some people didn't understand our choices didn't make us bad. But when I went to her wake and looked in the casket, her parents had stripped her of her identity. You remember what she looked like?"

He nodded and I could tell he was trying hard to keep the distaste off his face. I reminded myself that his memory of Alice was entirely different from mine, and I appreciated the effort.

"Well, they took out all her piercings and covered her tattoos with make-up and dressed her like a Sunday school teacher. It wasn't her, Jasper, and I totally lost it. Nearly got into a fight with her father."

"Oh, Edward," he commiserated, sounding as though he understood exactly how I'd felt.

"That night I headed out to bars, as usual, and got more drunk as usual, and I thought if I couldn't kill myself maybe I could get someone else to do it for me."

He gasped again, his eyes wide. "What did you do?"

"I found a guy trying to force himself on his date in the parking lot of a bar near our place and picked a fight."

"You didn't really think the guy would beat you to death, did you?"

"I was drunk. I wasn't really thinking. I admit, it may have been the dumbest thing I'd ever done. But I nearly got my wish anyway. A bunch of thugs who had been stalking homeless guys came by and wanted to finish what the first guy started. Thankfully, Emmett happened to be walking home, saw them, and chased them off."

"Thank God," Jasper whispered. "And Emmett. I'm going to have to do something to thank Emmett."

"I have a lot more than that to be thankful to him for," I admitted. "I got pretty banged up that night. Needed surgery. Ended up with a broken leg that kept me in a cast for months. Emmett came with me to the hospital, and then visited while I was there. We talked, and then he convinced Seth that I wasn't the Antichrist. They decided to make a project of me. Help me see the light, so to speak."

"And Emmett helped you shower," Jasper brought the conversation full circle to where it began. I laughed.

"Yeah, he did."

"I bet he helped in other ways too: sleeping with you and giving you his bear hugs," Jasper recited Emmett's remedies from his own experiences. "There's so much healing in those hugs."

"Yup, there sure is. Over the years I've needed a lot of those and Emmett's always been generous."

"That's our Emmy," Jasper mused.

"Yup," I said, draining the last of my coffee. "So that's my story, or at least a part of it. But I don't want to be the only one talking. I need to know what happened to you, too."

He took one last swallow of his cappuccino and grimaced. "I'll tell you, but maybe later? Don't we need to be out there somewhere seeing something right now, before the boat whisks us away?"

I sighed, because even though I desperately wanted to hear his story, he was right. We would have plenty of time to talk later on the boat and in the car on the way to our next stop. In the meantime, we needed to take advantage of the time we had left in Stehekin.

"All right, but don't think I'll forget," I warned.

"I know you won't," he smiled.

We packed up our stuff and checked out, then headed over to the Golden West Visitor's Center to chat for a bit with Norah and thank her again for her hospitality. Rufus was leading a tour, but Norah told me he was planning to stop by the boat landing to say goodbye before we left. Given Jasper's general lack of hiking experience and new boots, combined with the limited duration of our stay, we decided to take the short Imus Creek Loop hike that started near the Visitor's Center and went on for less than two miles.

The easy walking trail attracted other casual hikers, so we kept our conversation light and I easily slipped into the guide role. As other passing hikers heard me talk, they slowed down and tried to be unobtrusively tag along. I was a little resentful of someone cutting in on my time alone with Jasper, but when I looked at him he gave me a grin and an easygoing shrug, and I realized I was being too uptight. I nodded in response to his unspoken question and he quickly officially invited the other hikers to join us.

"Edward is a National Park Ranger and was stationed here last year, so he knows what he's talking about. We're getting expert commentary," he bragged. I was absolutely thrilled to hear the possessive pride in his voice, and made an extra effort to recall all I learned the previous year so my tour would be extra special. It took a little longer than it otherwise would have, but the other hikers enjoyed it and I wasn't about to cut short any activity that put that glow in his eyes. When we reached the end of the trail, the hikers thanked me for letting them join our walk and even tried to tip me, a fact I found extraordinarily amusing.

"Just make a donation to your favorite environmental cause," I suggested.

By the time we were done with the hike, there was just barely enough time left to grab our stuff from the ranger office, buy sandwiches at the Stehekin Landing Resort Restaurant to eat on the boat and head down to the landing, where the crew was already loading up the Lady Express for her trip back to Chelan. As promised, Rufus met us at the dock and we chatted for a while, finally saying good bye and boarding when there was no time left.

On the boat, Jasper and I found a couple of chairs on deck where we could sit and watch the scenery. Norah had kept our remaining beers in the cooler, and I popped a couple open to drink with our lunch sandwiches. When we were done eating, Jasper shifted his chair closer to me so he could lean on my shoulder. His eyes were drooping and I could tell he was exhausted.

"Wanna take a nap?" I murmured into his hair.

"It's not really a question of want," he replied with a low chuckle. "I wanna watch this gorgeous stuff all around us, but my eyes aren't cooperating."

"You saw a lot of it on the way up, anyway. Come on, let's settle in on the deck so you can stretch out a little."

He didn't protest when I pulled him up and led him to a semi shaded spot on the deck against the wall of the inside cabin. I sat down cross-legged and pointed to my lap, indicating he should lie down. He did, stretching out beside me with his head resting on my legs.

"You know," he chuckled again. "This really isn't so much harder than the floor in the tent last night."

"Oh? Did someone put a pea under my prince's mattress?" I teased. He laughed.

"What can I say? I'm a city boy used to nice, soft beds. Tell you what, though," he said, his countenance angelic as he looked up at me, his face framed by the halo of blond waves, highlighted with sunshine. "This here is the best pillow I could ever ask for." He reached up to pat my thigh. "If I wasn't so tired, I'd be getting ideas."

"Save those for later," I suggested, running my fingers through his hair. "For when we have that soft bed and more privacy."

"And lube!" he remarked with a smirk.

"Definitely, lots and lots of lube," I readily agreed.

We talked a bit more, but his responses came slower until he finally stopped. I glanced down just to make sure he was asleep and then leaned my head back against the wall and closed my eyes for a moment. The trip wasn't going exactly according to plan, but it was perfect nevertheless. The fact that he had agreed - no, requested - to spend the previous night in Stehekin, in a tent, no less, meant so much to me. And while I knew I would never in my life live down my extreme forgetfulness, I was glad that I'd left the lube in Chelan. I was, of course, eager to make love with him properly, to show him how much I'd learned since the last time we were together, but I was nervous about it as well. Considering the first time around I rushed into things too quickly, I couldn't be too upset by the forced slow-down this time around, however unintended. Doing what I did by the waterfall and in that tent, bringing him the ultimate pleasure with my mouth and drinking him down, was a better first step in our physical relationship. It helped ease the pressure a little. And hell, I'd been fantasizing about doing just that for a long time, so making those dreams come true wasn't exactly unwelcome. Not to mention having him reciprocate. Fuck! I inhaled deeply, feeling myself harden thinking about the things he did to me with his tongue and mouth. No, what we did inside that tent the night before was no consolation prize. It was just an amuse bouche; a delicious, concentrated hint of the good things yet to come.

Jasper slept for the remainder of the trip and, despite my legs falling asleep after a while, I was content to serve as his pillow, occasionally combing my fingers thought his hair. About a quarter hour before we reached the Chelan dock I woke him gently, knowing he'd appreciate the extra time to become fully alert and aware of his surroundings. He was adorably grumbly at first, but his mood improved quickly and soon he pushed himself up to a sitting position.

"Thank you for being my pillow the entire time. That couldn't have been comfortable."

I shrugged as I straightened my legs and bounced them a little to get the blood flowing. I grimaced at the familiar pins and needles sensation.

"Aw, I'm really sorry, Edward. You should have woken me sooner."

"It's no big deal. A few more seconds and I'll be good as new."

He looked at me, almost shyly from beneath his lashes.

"I really wish I could kiss you right now, to show you just how much I appreciated that."

"So what's stopping you?" I queried, genuinely puzzled.

"Well, with all these people around," he turned to look at the other passengers on deck with us. "I don't know what's okay out here. This isn't exactly New York or Seattle or Chicago. In Stehekin everyone seemed to know you were gay and didn't have a problem with it, but then they knew you well. I guess I'm not sure what you're comfortable with and how much is safe."

Instead of replying with words, I just leaned over to him and kissed him softly, lifting my hand to slip beneath his hair and caress the back of his neck.

"All right, then," he said with a sigh when we pulled apart. "That answers that question."

"I'm comfortable with whatever you're comfortable with," I told him. "And as for safety, we'll just use our best judgment. I'm not afraid of bigots making comments and I promise I won't be too much of a hothead about stuff like that," I assured, remembering how he'd held me back at the airport and figuring it might be something that concerned him, given my unreasonable behavior in the past."

"Is it possible to fall more in love with someone you love immeasurably already?"

His question was probably rhetorical, but I answered, "Yes," anyway. "At least it's possible for me, because I've been falling more and more in love with you this entire trip, and I have no reason to believe that's going to stop anytime soon."

He leaned against me, wrapping his arm around my waist.

"I would have never figured you for such a romantic," he gently teased.

"Only with you, Jas," I admitted openly.

"It's your turn now," I said after we put our stuff in the car and got back on the road towards Winthrop. "What happened that night, and after?"

I glanced over at him, but he turned away and stared out the passenger window.

"I told you a lot of it already," he finally said quietly. "Afterwards you fell asleep, but I couldn't. My mind kept running, trying to put pieces together, but for a long time I couldn't. It was all just a jumble. And then I saw the condom wrapper, and it was like a puzzle that started to assemble itself. All of the pieces fell into place and there was only one picture that made sense. I thought you used a condom and didn't touch me because you through I was dirty, or a whore, or used, or something. I remembered you never told me you loved me or cared about me, only that you wanted more from me. You said no one would ever touch me again, and I thought you were talking about Emmett and Seth, and how you didn't want me to see them. I remembered how you rearranged my classes and I figured it was because you wanted to keep an eye on me, didn't want me to be alone. It all seemed exactly like what happened with James. He didn't start hitting me right away either. I was scared. Terrified. I knew if I stayed and my worst fears came true, I wouldn't have been able to handle it. I really don't know what I'd do if you ever hit me. I had loved you so much for so long, it would have killed me if you turned out to be like him. Like that monster."

Even from the corner of my eye I saw a shudder go through him as he remembered James, making me want to kill that bastard more than ever.

"So I did the only thing I could think of," he said, turning towards me. "I ran. I knew I couldn't go to Forks - you would have found me there too easily. The only other place I knew was New York. I had no idea what my father would say or do when I showed up unannounced, and especially after I told him why, but I felt I had no options."

Feeling an intense need to touch him, I reached for his left hand and squeezed it lightly, feeling slightly better after establishing that connection between us.

"I get why you left. I understand how it all must have looked to you. I know you weren't really over what happened with James, and that made it worse. I just wish you had taken my calls, or answered my e-mails. Let me explain."

"Looking back, with what I know today, I wish I had done those things too. But back then all I could remember was how I had almost decided to stay in New York Senior Year, and one phone conversation with you made me go back to Forks. It was always so hard for me to resist you, and you knew it. I knew if you had begged and pleaded for me to go back, I would. Hell, I probably would have comeback if you had just asked or even told me to come back. I wanted to be with you so badly. I wanted everything you were telling me to be the truth. I wanted you to love me. I was so desperate for it, I didn't trust my judgment."

"It was all true," I whispered painfully. "I did love you."

He let out a whimper and covered his eyes with his right hand. He pulled on his left to withdraw it from my grasp, and much as I hated to l I let it go.

"But you couldn't have known that, then," I said resolutely. "Everything you said was true. I didn't touch you the way I should have, I didn't say the things I needed to have said. I loved you, but I was too afraid to admit it out loud. I counted too much on being irresistible to you."

He said nothing, his face still partially hidden with his hand. We both knew this would be difficult, but it was even harder in practice than I imagined.

"What happened when you got to New York?" I asked, desperate to break the silence.

He turned towards me, confused. It was as if he'd disappeared into his own world and hadn't even heard my question.

"What happened in New York?" I repeated.

"Oh," his face still reflected some surprise. "Well, I had no idea what to expect, but I figured since Mom and Jerry already knew, I should come out to my dad too, so I did. I told him everything, including what happened when I came out to you, and then about James, and about why I left Seattle."

"And he was cool?"

"He was fantastic. Dad had always been cool, but also sort of detached, you know? I mean, we got along, but he was so used to living alone I think when I was there with him he didn't quite know what to do with me. He never knew quite how to act. So I always knew he loved me, but that day I realized just how much."

"I'm glad for you, Jas. That's how it should be for everyone, really."

"Yeah, I know. I was very lucky. I'm sorry your father..."

"My father was an asshole long before he knew I was gay," I interrupted. "To be honest, I'm almost glad he was as much of a bigot about my homosexuality as he was. The kind of man he was, I wouldn't have wanted anything to do with him even if he'd embraced me with open arms when I came out. His consistency just made things that much easier."

"Okay," he nodded. "But I'm still sorry you didn't have the kind of support at home that I did."

"My Mom was actually really great. Still is. We're very close now, and we talk about everything. It's actually better that it's just the two of us, you know?"

He considered it for a moment.

"Yeah. I guess that's how I feel about Dad. I was always close with my mom, and Jerry and Kimmie, but the three of them are a family of their own too. My dad only has me. And since I moved to New York, we've grown really close. We talk about everything too."

"Does he know you're here with me?"

I wasn't sure what compelled me to ask, or if the answer he gave would make any difference. I became a little concerned when he didn't answer immediately.

"Yeah, he knows," he finally said.

"I take it he wasn't pleased?"

"That's not it, exactly," Jasper said, shaking his head. "You have to remember he doesn't know you. He's only met you once, very briefly. All he knows about you is what I told him over the years and when I came back, at first I pretty much told him the worst. For a long time, after I left, I only ever allowed myself to talk about the bad stuff, because I was too afraid if I thought or talked about the good things I wouldn't be able to stay away. And then my mom didn't help."

I snorted, remembering how much Joyce Barnes had always disliked me, then frowned. I had no idea how much influence she had on Jasper, but I imagined she would not be in favor of this relationship, at least not until she saw me again and was convinced that I had changed. Until then, she was someone I really had to worry about. I glanced over at him and found him looking at me with understanding.

"I didn't tell her yet. I think there's time to do that. My dad was concerned, but he treats me like a man. He trusts me to make the right decisions, especially after what happened before and all the therapy I've been through. He knows I'm different now. He knows I can take care of myself and I'm a better judge of character. My mom still sometimes thinks I'm fourteen, I think. She doesn't see me all that differently from Kimmie. I won't keep this from her forever, obviously, but I just, well, I didn't want to deal with having to explain, you know?"

I nodded. "Do you think it would be easier if maybe she saw me in person? Talked to me? That way she could see for herself what you saw? Your mom has always been a good judge of character. I know she never liked me, but she was always fair."

"You'd go see my mom with me?" his eyes widened in surprise at my offer.

"Absolutely," I confirmed. "I know your family is important to you, and I don't want to come between you and them. And I don't want you to have to explain things or make excuses for me, not when I should be doing that myself."

"Um, okay. I'll have to think about that. I guess we can plan a trip out to Arizona sometime," he paused in contemplation, then turned to me with a smile.

"I think that would be good, Edward. Really good. Thank you! Of course, you can meet and get to know my dad when you visit next month, if you want."

"Oh, right," I said, a little taken aback. I hadn't exactly considered the possibility of meeting Jasper's father. The thought was a little intimidating, but I had a few weeks to prepare. I'd have to meet him eventually and sooner was better than later. It would be good to have him in my corner in case Mrs. Barnes was overly skeptical of my transformation.

"So your dad was all right with you switching schools, obviously," I prompted, getting us back to the main topic of conversation.

"Yes. Obviously with most schools being on semesters, I had to take some time off, but that was good too. Dad convinced me to see this therapist he'd met while doing research for one of his books. She's an abuse survivor too, so she understood a lot of what I had gone through. She made me understand that growing up I got used to equating control with friendship and affection. That because my obedience and willingness to follow your lead had been rewarded, I became used to that and thought it would always be that way.

"I assumed that James was like you. I figured that he would be the leader, and I was fine with that. And I figured as long as I did what he wanted, I would be loved and taken care of. That's probably why later, when doing what he told me to wasn't good enough anymore, my reaction wasn't what other people's might have been. Others would have realized that he was being unreasonable, and to a certain extent I did too, but I also accepted some of the blame for not following his directions. I thought if I had followed his demands correctly, he wouldn't have been so mean. I refused to believe that he just enjoyed hurting me, that he didn't love me at all. That's exactly what it was, of course, but I didn't see it that way until so much later.

"I don't know if I ever would have realized it by myself, without therapy. The only reason I left when I left was because his punishments for what I saw as my mistakes and misbehavior had gotten so severe, that I was afraid for my life. On some level I realized that nothing I could do would ever really please him, but I felt compelled to keep trying. I felt like a failure for not being able to be who he wanted. And I felt embarrassed that I didn't listen to friends who tried to warn me against the relationship. I didn't want to prove everyone right. And then I was so embarrassed ashamed of letting him do the things he did, for not fighting back and leaving earlier. My emotions were in such conflict. On the one hand, I didn't want to give up too soon. On the other hand, I worried that it was already too late. And to the bitter end, even as James became so abusive and unreasonable, I believed that things would be better if I could just follow all those damn rules. I would have never even thought about talking to Seth that day, if he hadn't forced me to. Of course, I couldn't say no to him either," he let out a mirthless chuckle.

"I know now it's ridiculous, but at the time I actually believed I was wrong to talk to Seth and my mom against James' instructions, and that I was wrong not to call him at the pre-arranged time. I knew I would be punished for missing that call, but I had no idea he had someone following me and would know about Seth and my mom too. He was just so furious on the message he left for me, and I was already hurt. I just didn't want to die for doing those things, and I really feared he might kill me. That's why I left. It was the fear that finally drove me to run, not any instinct to assert myself."

I gripped the steering wheel tightly and fought hard to keep my expression and breathing normal. I wanted him to tell me these things and I knew it would be harder for him if I interrupted. And what could I say, really? I'd already apologized for my behavior and there was nothing I could do to change the past. How could I possibly convey how wretched I felt that his friendship with me caused his brain to make these connections, thus predisposing him to becoming James' victim?

"Even after I left him and things were getting back to normal, I still had a hard time standing up for myself, remember?" he continued. "I was so angry when you changed those classes, but in the end I didn't want to make you mad or disappoint you, so I compromised instead of making you change everything back. I was such a pleaser, you know? It was so hard to tell anyone no, but especially someone who was naturally authoritative with me.

"Recognizing that and coming to terms with it was the first step in therapy. Once I realized that I was equating control with love and protection, the next step was to figure out if it was natural or learned behavior. There are people out there who need to be controlled, I guess. Emily, my therapist, wondered if that was the case for me. We talked about it a lot, and went through some exercises. In the end, we determined that it wasn't a need, but there was no question that I had a habitual preference for a dominating, controlling type of guy," he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. It was very clear how difficult talking about all this was for him, yet how determined he was to get through it. I unclenched my right hand from the steering wheel and reached for him. This time he squeezed my hand and looked over at me gratefully.

"Take your time," I whispered. "Or stop if it's too much right now."

He shook his head in denial. "It's okay. I just haven't talked about all this in a long time. It's more draining than I thought it would be. But you have a right to know. I want you to know."

"Okay," I agreed, "so just go at whatever pace makes it easiest for you. And tell me if you need me to stop or if you need anything, all right?"

He nodded, then smiled. "Contrary to all appearances, I am a lot stronger now. Mentally, I mean. Going back and re-living this stuff isn't easy, but I am fine. Really," he insisted. He took another deep breath, then continued.

"Breaking the habit, trying to unlearn that preference, or at least to turn it into something positive, wasn't easy. For a long time I felt like an addict. I'd go out with friends to a club, and inevitably I would be drawn to someone who took charge. But then I was immediately afraid that he'd want more than I was willing to give. Or, worse, that I would give more than I should, because I wouldn't want to say no. I didn't know how to tell the difference between guys that were just self-assured and confident, the natural leaders, and guys who got off on telling people what to do. But at the same time I wasn't attracted at all to anyone who didn't have that self-confidence and attitude. It got to the point where I was so disgusted with myself, so unable to trust my judgment and instincts, that I stopped going out altogether. I decided that being alone was better than being with the wrong guy."

"I think that was a good call," I said quietly, moving my thumb over his hand. "It's the conclusion I came to as well."

"For different reasons, though," he pointed out.

"Yes," I agreed.

"You don't seem as surprised by all this as I thought you would be," Jasper commented.

"I am surprised, but at the same time, it explains a lot. I understand now why you weren't attracted to all those other guys you went out with that winter, and why you had such a different reaction to James when you finally met him."

"Wait, how do you know how many guys I went out with that winter?" he asked, confused.

I squeezed the steering wheel harder with my left hand. I didn't understand how I could always come out with exactly the wrong thing to say. I completely forgot that he didn't know I'd turned into a total stalker that winter. Then again, we had said we wanted to be honest with each other and put the past behind us, so this was something he needed to know and it was the perfect time to tell him.

"I, um, may have followed you a little," I said, then cleared my throat. "Or a lot," I admitted

"Followed me? You watched me go out with other guys?"

"Yeah. I'm not proud of it, but yes. I missed you, and even though watching you with other guys hurt, at least it was a connection. And it was a relief to see that you really weren't attracted to any of them. It gave me hope. I usually left when I saw that there was nothing serious going on. But with him, even that first time you met him, you were different."

"You saw that? The time I met him at the cafe?"

I nodded, swallowing hard.

"Did you stay the whole time? Did you watch me leave with him?"

"Yeah," I whispered. "I did. And it just felt different. I saw how impressed with him you were, how eagerly you followed him. I wish now I had stopped you, but I had no idea what kind of a man he was. I was just scared of you falling in love with someone else. Of course now it makes more sense why you would go off like that with an older guy who was a complete stranger."

"He wasn't a complete stranger," Jasper said quietly.

"Huh?" I asked dumbly. "I hate to say it, but I followed you around pretty thoroughly that winter. I would have known if you'd seen him before."

"I didn't meet him our freshman year. It was earlier."

"Earlier?" I asked, even more perplexed. "When?"

"In the beginning of our senior year, when that girl who played the piano sort of adopted me, remember? I went with her one night to this charity event in Seattle where she was playing the piano. That's when I first met him. He freaked me out a little, because I still wasn't out and he came right up to me and asked me to go with him to the coat closet."

I gasped. "But you didn't!"

"No, I didn't. I was too intimidated. He gave me his number, though, and he'd been so, I don't know, bold, commanding, I kept the number. I figured I would go to UW and maybe look him up. So then after all those guys Seth and Emmett set me up with didn't work out, I finally had the courage to call him. And he remembered me, even after all that time. He instantly knew exactly who I was. It was impressive. I didn't realize at the time that he had a phenomenal memory - trained himself to remember people, for his business. Anyway, he asked me to meet him and, well, you know the rest."

I was stunned. So shocked I barely noticed that I moved my right hand back to the steering wheel. I kept my eyes on the road as I absorbed what he'd just told me. Basically, if I hadn't been such a selfish jerk our senior year, if I hadn't forced him to spend time with Maggie, he would have never met James. I wondered if she even knew that he had met him while he was out with her. I'd be willing to bet she didn't. She would have said something if she had.

"You're awfully quiet," Jasper said, breaking into my thoughts. "What are you thinking?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to zone out like that. It's just, well, it's even more my fault than I realized that you got involved with him, isn't it?"

He frowned. I kept glancing over at him until I saw recognition dawn on his face.

"No, Edward," he reached over and placed his hand over mine on the wheel. "James had nothing to do with you. I suppose what you did senior year led to our first meeting, but you didn't make me keep his phone number. You didn't make me call him."

"No, I didn't make you call. I just pushed you away, the way I had senior year, and forced you to seek other people to be with. I only sent you out into a minefield, twice. Even if I didn't push you onto the mine, does that make a difference?" I shook my head. Thoroughly disgusted with myself. I thought I had faced everything I'd done already, but obviously even I didn't realize the extent of the damage I caused.

"How can you forgive me for all that, on top of everything else I've done?" I queried, though I was terrified of his answer. What if after considering everything carefully he decided that all the things I did simply weren't forgivable?

"I love you," he rubbed his hand over mine as I steered, "and I don't see this as something that requires forgiveness. It wasn't like you wanted it to happen. To use your analogy, you had no idea it was a minefield. I know you would not have done it if you could have foreseen what was going to happen. And now it's done. It's been done for a long time. I'm better. I've gotten to know myself. I changed some bad habits. It was a learning experience, however difficult. And while I would never give that bastard James credit for any of it, I think what happened was, in the long run, good for both of us, right? And now our story is getting its happy ending?"

I was overcome with emotion at his capacity to forgive and look for the good in the situation, and with my love for him, which really did seem to grow even more than I thought possible. I saw the shoulder widen up ahead for roadside emergencies and pulled off the road when we reached it.

"What are you doing?" he asked, confused.

"I can't do this while driving, and I really need to," I said, releasing my seat belt, turning in me seat and leaning over the center console to pull him in to my arms.

"I love you so much, Jas," I whispered in his ear as he relaxed against me with a deep sigh. "Thank you for giving us a chance to have this happy ending. I probably don't deserve it, but I'm gonna grab it and make sure you never regret your decision. I want to spend the rest of my life keeping you safe and making you happy."

"Just be with me," he said softly. "Be with me, and love me, and be mine. Everything else will fall into place."

We embraced for a long time in silence, then pulled back and kissed slowly and lovingly for several minutes before we finally pulled apart and got back on the road. We both knew there was a lot more to talk about, but we'd reached our quota for the day and by silent accord spent the rest of the drive discussing more general subjects.

A little more than 90 minutes after we left Chelan we passed the town of Twisp. Since the Lodge where we'd be spending the night was nearby, we elected not to stop, but to return later, either after we had a chance to check in or the next day. It seemed we were both eager to leave the heavy conversation behind us and get to the hotel where we'd spend the night. In fact, Jasper was not at all subtle about what was on his mind.

"A bed would be great, but I'll take anything. A wing chair, ottoman, a desk chair or a desk I can lean over...hell, a carpeted floor will do nicely. All I want is lube, condoms and your hard cock in my ass. Once we get in that room, I'm not accepting any excuses, or delays."

"Believe me, I don't plan to offer either," I affirmed, squirming in my seat as my dick grew down my shorts. Jasper noticed and reached to rub me with his left hand, leaving his right to do the same with his own erection. "Shit!" I exclaimed, my excitement building.

"How much further," Jasper asked, leaning his head back and closing his eyes as he stroked us in unison.

"Not much, thank God," I observed. I checked the directions and noted that we were close to milepost 196, where we had to turn off onto Twin Lakes Road. The turn was well marked and we drove for another mile and a half, where we followed the signs to Patterson Lake Road. We passed the lake and continued up until we reached the mountaintop location of the Sun Mountain Lodge. The lodge buildings loomed at the top, partially hidden by numerous mature pines. The surrounding mountain views were absolutely breathtaking. Even Jasper was impressed enough that he stopped stroking us to take in the magnificent scenery.

"Wow, Edward, it's so beautiful here."

"It is," I agreed. "I never actually drove out this way, so it's my first time seeing it too, except in pictures on the Internet. Pretty spectacular. And there's lots to do. Hiking, boating, swimming, horseback riding..."

Jasper turned to me with a slightly disapproving frown.

"You're talking about tomorrow, of course. Right?"

I chuckled as I pulled up to the front door of the lodge.

"Yes, oh impatient one. I'm talking about tomorrow."

"Well, if I'm the only one who's impatient," he crossed his arms in front of him as he spoke and pouted.

"No, Love," I reached over to untuck his left hand and brought it to my lips, dipping my tongue into the knuckle valleys with each kiss. "You're definitely not the only one who's impatient. I can't wait to get you alone in that room." I lowered my voice suggestively and gave him a little growl, which made him giggle. He opened his mouth to say something else, but just then the bellboy pulled open his door and Jasper scrambled to quickly throw a hand onto his lap to cover his obvious erection.

"Good afternoon, gentlemen. Welcome to Sun Mountain Lodge. Will you be staying with us tonight or are you here to dine?"

"We're staying the night," I said, opening my own door. I slipped my hand in the pocket of my shorts and held down my hard on so as not to be too obvious around the bellboy. I got out of the car despite the slight bit of difficulty, not appreciating the snicker I heard from Jasper. I walked around slowly to unlock the hatch and point to the luggage stored within. "We'll need everything back here brought to our room."

"Very good, Sir," the kid walked to where an empty luggage cart waited by the large front door, giving me a few more seconds to adjust my thankfully softening dick, and wheeled it over to the car. He unloaded all of the items in the back and rolled the cart towards the front entrance.

"Go ahead inside, Jas. I'll just go park the car," I offered.

"I'll come with you," he said, staying put in the passenger seat. I closed the hatch and got behind the wheel again. With the bellboy gone and the doors closed, he was now chortling loudly.

"Enjoyed that, did you? You know, seeing me as hard as hard as I was for you and not knowing the reason, that kid could have been mentally scarred for life."

"Come on, Edward, I'm sure he's seen men with a stiff one before. I'm sure he does every time he looks down first thing in the morning. It's no big deal."

I huffed in mock annoyance. "If it's no big deal, how come you didn't get out of the car?"

"Because I wanted to go with you to park," he answered easily, "so I could do more of this." He reached over to me again and began stroking my semi. In no time at all I was rock hard again.

Thankfully, the parking lot was deserted, with no other people in sight. I pulled into an empty space, turned off the engine and threw my head back against the headrest.

"You're such a fucking tease," I groaned as he continued to move his hand up and down along my shorts-covered rod.

"I may be teasing, but you're hardly the only victim. You have no idea how much I want you right now. I'd pull those down and suck you off out here in a second if I didn't need you at peak performance level when we get to that room."

"You'd better stop what you're doing then, Jas, because another few minutes and you won't even have time to pull the shorts off to suck."

His hand retracted instantly, as though he'd touched burning coals. I laughed, but I was also glad he took my warning seriously. He really had me all overheated, and while I wasn't quite as close as I threatened, I would certainly have gotten there quickly if he had kept going.

We cooled off for a few minutes in the car, just sitting together, holding hands. When we had calmed sufficiently, we got out of the car, locked it up and walked to the front entrance of the lodge and into the spacious and impressive lobby. The floors of the large, open room were lined with quartz stone tiles, the walls and ceiling were supported in part with enormous natural wood beams, and a fireplace built into a river rock covered wall dominated the room. It felt every bit the mountain lodge it purported to be.

Jasper and I walked to the front desk, where we were greeted by a smiling woman in her mid-thirties with sandy-brown hair pulled into a loose knot.

"Good afternoon, Gentlemen. Do you need rooms for the night?"

"Just one room," I explained, "and we have a reservation. It should be for a Mount Robinson room, under Cullen."

The woman's smile faded slightly, but she quickly covered up any reaction by directing her attention to the computer screen, where she typed something to locate my reservation. Jasper looked over at me with a slightly concerned expression. I took his hand and smiled reassuringly. Gay couples may have been few and far between at the Sun Mountain Lodge, but I was sure we weren't the first. And even if we were, I had no doubt the staff would remain polite and professional.

"Ah, yes, Mr. Edward Cullen. Here it is. May I have your credit card and photo ID, please?"

I handed over my credit card and driver's license, and signed the paperwork she placed before me. She prepared two card keys and handed them to us, explaining that our room was in the Robinson building and suggesting that we follow Jeremy, the bellboy.

"Also, you don't need to make any decisions now, but I wanted to mention that tomorrow we do offer our morning horseback ride and cowboy breakfast. The gathering point is here in the lobby at 8:30. If you're interested, please just call the desk to reserve your places."

I looked to Jasper and saw that he was trying hard not to laugh.

"Is that something that might interest you, Love?" I asked, my voice deliberately sweeter than it ordinarily would be.

"I don't know, Edward. Horseback riding and a cowboy breakfast? I thought this was Mount Robinson, not Brokeback Mountain. Do we get to see the cowboy we'll be having for breakfast before we have to decide?"

The woman behind the desk tried hard to hide her amused and slightly shocked expression. I just laughed.

"Eight thirty is rather early for this here city slicker, Ma'am," Jasper continued, switching to his thick Texas drawl. "I reckon we'll just have to think on your proposition and let you know later."

"That will be fine," she said, openly smiling. "Have a pleasant stay," she added as we left, and there was absolutely no indication that she was anything but sincere.

Jeremy, on the other hand, was clearly surprised and a little perturbed at having to accompany a gay couple to their room, glancing back at us surreptitiously, his eyes repeatedly drawn to our joined hands. Poor kid, he probably had no idea what to make of us. A few years ago I would have been just as surprised and disturbed by seeing two men together. Actually, I mentally corrected, I would have been a lot worse.

I glanced over at Jasper, who no longer seemed concerned, but wore an amused grin instead. When he caught my eye, his right eyebrow lifted up as he tilted his head towards Jeremy. I saw a glint of mischief in his eyes, and I could nearly hear his thoughts, his desire to tease the poor boy a little. I rolled my eyes and shrugged. I wasn't necessarily averse to teasing straight boys every once in a while, but on this particular occasion I had other things on my mind. Jasper seemed to understand and squeezed my hand in acknowledgement. I smiled, enjoying how we'd just had an entire conversation without exchanging a single word. It was exactly how it had been when we first met.

"Here we are," Jeremy said, stopping in front of a door and pulling out one of our keys. He unlocked and opened the door, indicating for us to go in ahead of him and following us with the cart. "The bathroom is through there," he pointed. "It's stocked with the standard amenities, but if you need anything else just call the front desk and we'll be happy to get it to you. Your complimentary robes are in the closet. The refreshment center is over here," he pointed again. "The directions for the hot tub and gas fireplace are printed in your guide. Now, where would you like your luggage?"

"For now, please just stack everything except that bag in the closet," I directed, indicating the bag that I was absolutely positive held my supply of lube and condoms. "That bag should go on the luggage rack."

"Very good, Sir," Jeremy unloaded our baggage expertly as instructed. "Will there be anything else, Sir?"

I looked to Jasper, who was too busy taking in the room and the view to pay us any attention.

"We'll be fine for now, I think," I said, retrieving a twenty dollar bill from my wallet. "If we need anything else we'll call the front desk. Thank you for your assistance, Jeremy," I pressed the bill into his hand and pointed him towards the door.

"Thank you very much, Sir," he said, giving me the keys to the room. "Enjoy your stay."

I walked to the door with him and made sure to throw the security lock in place when the door closed.

"So," I said, turning around. "This is a nice..." I didn't have a chance to finish as Jasper, who had walked up silently behind me, pushed me against the door and silenced me with his lips. I moaned into his mouth, wrapping my arms around his back and pulling him closer. We kissed each other, hard, our pelvises grinding against one another, until we were both panting.

"You and me, in that bed, right now," Jasper nearly growled as he pulled away and grabbed my hand, yanking me in the direction of the king size bed. I was certainly not going to object.