Chapter 8

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Chapter 8: Here by my side all the time

It's impossible to put into words how much more I enjoyed this spring break than that of the previous year. So many factors combined to make that Senior year spring break trip a miserable experience. It was supposed to be Jasper and me, with a bunch of other people there just to split the costs and for appearances. I didn't give a shit about any of them - I just wanted to go away and party with my best friend. We spent a good two years planning it, only to have him pull the rug out from under me at the last minute and decide that he was going to stay home. Adding insult to injury, he wasn't staying home alone. Oh no! He was importing his new buddy from New York to spend the week with him. To say I was enraged would have been downplaying how I really felt.

Looking back now, I could certainly understand. By that time he knew he was gay and had feelings for me he could not express. To top it off, he and my girlfriend hated each other. I now understood that better too, realizing the two of them always knew they were rivals for my attention. So I could see how traveling with me and his nemesis might not be too appealing, and how visiting with another gay friend might be exactly what he needed. But that was now. Back then I didn't know any of this, and all I felt was abandoned and betrayed.

It didn't help that I was traveling with Bella. Though we maintained a public front, by then Bella and I had been nearly constantly at each other's throats in private, with her never ending complaints about how little time I spent paying attention to her needs. It was all I could do not to laugh in her face every time she brought it up - as if her needs were of any damn importance to me. I never took it that far, though, because I was starting to get concerned that she would break up with me before I left for college, and I couldn't have that. It just wouldn't do to have a girl leave me. And even though I easily could have, I didn't want to leave her either. She was just too convenient. Being with her meant I didn't have to try to impress anyone with how many girls I could bag. Not that I didn't enjoy a little variety, but . . . oh, hell, I didn't give a damn about variety. They were really all the same. Some more enthusiastic than others, some more cooperative, some more vocal, some more flexible, some more experienced, but in the end none of them had enough of anything to keep me interested.

When I came across Bella, with her chastity vow, the social climbing aspirations, and the desire to overcome the police chief's daughter image by dating the bad boy of Forks, I knew she'd make the perfect girlfriend. Hell, until she turned 18 I didn't even have to go near her pussy. Not that she didn't encourage it, tried to tell me I could do anything but stick my dick in her, but I just gave her a bullshit line about it being too tempting, when in reality nothing could be further from the truth. It was hard enough to keep fucking her face, which at least stopped her from talking. She was one of the worst cocksuckers I'd ever met, and just looking at her, thinking about that bitch temper of hers and her razor sharp tongue, was nearly enough to make me go limp. Most of the time I just closed my eyes and tried to forget whose lips were wrapped around me. When I could, I finished in her ass, because then at least it didn't matter so much if I accidentally blinked or opened my eyes.

Of course that all changed on her eighteenth birthday. There was no getting around fucking her then. But since I refused to wear a condom, at least at first she was all right with finishing sex the way we always did -either in her ass, mouth or hand. By the time of spring break, though, she was getting downright demanding, and I bet it was soon after our return that she started fucking that bastard, Black. Though maybe I'd have to reconsider what I called him these days, since the fucker inadvertently did me a huge favor. I was still pissed as all hell that he thought he could bone my girlfriend and get away with it, but he'd been a young kid, so his judgment was impaired, and especially so when Bella came after him like a bitch in heat, as Jasper eventually told me she did. As a guy, I could appreciate that sometimes the other head did the thinking for us, and that head only had one thing on its mind.

In any case, though I didn't see it at the time, Jake actually did me a favor. If I hadn't walked in on them when I did, I probably would have dated her through the end of the summer and broken up with her only when it was time to leave for school. My summer had been utterly miserable without Jasper, but it would have been even more miserable if I had still been with Bella. Plus, I never would have seen Jasper's revenge, which had been sick and twisted, yet incredibly fitting. I still couldn't believe Jasper, my mild-mannered, anti-violent, wouldn't-raise-a-hand-to-defend-himself friend, did all that for me. First, arranging a cover story with Black and suffering physical pain in the process, and then working with those fuckers, Sam and Paul, to wire up the cameras for the video feed and making sure they had Bella right where she needed to be on the night of the party. She did the rest of it herself, showing off her true nature without any help from others, but in making the arrangements, Jasper showed that he could be stealthy and dangerous, even if only when it came to protecting and avenging me.

Knowing how far out of his usual comfort zone Jasper went for my sake made me feel even worse about how I hadn't been there to protect him from James. But I couldn't re-write history. The only thing I could do was to never let anything even remotely close to it happen again. And in the meantime, I had to spend as much time with him as necessary to show him how much I really cared about him. Which is what this spring break was all about.

Growing up we'd each come to Seattle on occasion on school field trips or with our parents, so the city wasn't exactly a mystery. Still, in the first few months of school, in the little time we actually spent together, we'd hardly ventured out of our apartment, much less our neighborhood, so it was easy to find shit to do that we hadn't done together ever, or at least not in long enough of time to forget what it had been like. I made sure to select things that would be fun, but not too strenuous, since Jasper was still recovering from his injuries. I was really pleased with the plans I put together, especially when I saw that Jasper was enjoying them as well.

Probably my favorite place to visit with him was the museum of flight. I'd been there once before with my parents, when I was really young, but Jasper never had, and I knew it would be right up his alley. Not that he was necessarily into planes, but he loved history, and there was a lot of history in that building. He liked seeing the barn where the Boeing Company started operations and boarding the first Air Force One plane. He was still a little too sore to climb in and out of the cockpits that were available for boarding, but he made me get into every one and snapped pictures with the new mobile phone I insisted on getting him when I found out that James made him give up his previous phone and plan. He resisted, of course, telling me he just wanted the basic free model since he didn't even have the money to pay the monthly charge, and would have to borrow that from me until he could either get a job or got some cash from his parents at Easter, but I just waved him off and made sure he got a top of the line phone with all the latest features, calling it an early birthday present. I could afford it and it was the least I could do, since I felt responsible for him losing his old phone and plan to begin with.

We also enjoyed the Harbor cruise we took. Temperatures in Seattle were still on the cool side so very few other people braved the upper deck, giving us more privacy. We pulled our white plastic chairs close to each other and the railing as we watched the Seattle skyline while listening to the tour guide outlining Seattle's history over the loudspeaker. Using the cold as an excuse, I put my arm around Jasper and pulled him as close to me as the chair would allow, loving the way he rested his head against my neck and shoulder. When the tour guide made a somewhat funny joke and he looked up at me with those bright blue laughing eyes, it was all I could do not to lower my head and kiss him. I restrained myself, squeezing his shoulder tightly instead, but my heart soared when I saw something like disappointment in his eyes, before he turned back to look at the shore. That one fleeting look gave me hope that maybe he still had some feelings for me too. While it was too soon for me to make any declarations, I started to believe that when the time finally came for me to tell him how I felt, at least I would not have to face stone cold rejection.

Our days together were easy, as were the evenings and nights. Undisturbed by anyone and accountable to no one for our time, we easily drifted from one activity to the next, doing as much or as little as Jasper felt comfortable with, eating meals whenever and wherever we felt like it. We both enjoyed being outdoors, so we seemed to naturally drift towards the waterfront. We grabbed lunch at one of the restaurants on cold days, or from one of the food vendors on days when it as warm enough to eat outside. Each time we went to the waterfront I noticed the sketch artists drawing pictures of tourists and I wanted to ask Jasper about his sketch, which never made a reappearance in his room, but I was almost afraid of what he would tell me. I knew the sketch was done by the guy Jasper lost his virginity with, but knowing that the guy was somewhere in Paris and that Jasper had no intentions of ever getting in touch with him again helped to push that bit of reality to the back of my mind. The truth was, I'd really liked the sketch. It captured all of Jasper's best qualities the way no photograph ever had. It was no wonder the guy who drew it ended up taking Jasper to bed. No one who saw all that in him would have been able to resist.

More than anything, I wanted that sketch to be out again, on display in our apartment. I'd waited, rather impatiently, for Jasper to unpack and put away all his stuff, but even after he was done, the sketch was nowhere to be seen. I knew there was a very real possibility that he had actually given it to James, so I always stopped short of asking about it, but one day, as we were eating lunch and I watched a young girl getting her portrait done, curiosity got the better of me. Against my better judgment, and dreading the answer, I asked what happened to the drawing.

"When I moved in with James, he took the sketch for his office at work. He said he wanted a reminder of who waited for him at home, and that the sketch was better than any photograph. I'm sure by now he's destroyed it," he said with an angry scowl.

Anger boiled within me too at the thought of James doing anything to damage the sketch, but I was slightly relieved to know that at least Jasper hadn't actually given it to him; that the bastard just took it without permission. Since he basically appropriated the drawing, as long as he hadn't destroyed it, I could get it back. It would be a great way to show Jasper how much he meant to me. But I had to keep my plan a secret. I wanted it to be a surprise and, more importantly, I didn't want Jasper to be disappointed if, by chance, I failed. So I simply offered my sympathy and told him how much I had liked the sketch as well, in words that didn't even come close to expressing my true feelings. As soon as spring break was over and I could spend a little time apart from Jasper without arousing suspicion, I knew I would find James and, assuming it still existed, get that sketch out of his grasp just like we did with Jasper. The only reminder James would have of Jasper ever having been part of his life would be the broken nose, courtesy of Emmett McCarty, and whatever other injuries I could inflict if he tried to resist in any way before handing over the drawing.

I absolutely loved every moment of the week I got to spend with Jasper with no other human interruptions. It all turned out perfectly. The things I planned in advance went exactly according to the blueprint and the things I couldn't have planned went even better. In fact, as much as I liked our outings, my favorite times were the evenings and mornings in our apartment. I loved eating dinner together, then watching TV or playing video games before playing best out of three games of backgammon and turning in for the night. We grew more comfortable sleeping together and became closer and closer physically, though I still noticed that every morning he felt the need to pull away from me, always trying to do so without waking me. I wanted to ask him why, but not knowing the answer and afraid of what it could be, I decided against it. I was like a man who'd been wandering in the desert for days and finally stumbled upon a well. I just wanted to drink and keep drinking, unable to get my fill. I wasn't about to spoil anything by asking questions about the water source.

As the week drew to a close, though, I became more agitated. Everything had been perfect when it was just the two of us, but would it stay the same when Emmett and Seth returned and we had to go back to school? Would Jasper continue to sleep with me or would he want to return to some sort of rotating schedule. I was able to tolerate it before, when I'd had no other choice and didn't know what spending the night with him was like. Now, though, it would be impossible for me to let him go. And yet, if he wanted to go back to sleeping with them, how would I be able to stop him?

And that wasn't even the worst of it. Seth and Emmett were only the tip of the iceberg. Once we went back to school there would be other people, other guys, at least some of whom would be vying for his attention. I'd seen the looks on the faces of the boys he dated before James. I was certain the decision to stop after one date had been Jasper's every time. No guy in his right mind would turn down a second chance with someone as beautiful, sweet, funny and intelligent as Jasper. He was the quintessential total package, and the thought of all the guys out there on the prow, waiting to get their paws on him, made my hair stand on edge. Especially since so many of them had a distinct advantage over me. They were gay, and they knew what they were doing where it came to dating other guys. I had no such expertise.

Friday night, the night before we were due to pick up Seth and Emmett from the airport, I hardly slept at all. I knew I could eliminate some of the agony by just telling Jasper how I felt, but I wasn't sure if enough time had passed for me to convince him that I really meant it. What if he didn't believe me? Or, worse, what if he did believe me but didn't feel the same way? What if after finding out how I felt he wanted to move out again, doing the same thing I told him to do when he told me how he felt? I couldn't risk losing him right when I got him back. I needed more time. But with extra time came extra risks: who knows what advice from his gay friends and who knows what offers from other gay guys. To make matters worse, I really wouldn't know any of it, because in addition to everything else, we had no classes together, so the only time we'd ever see each other would be at night, when he wasn't studying at the library or hanging out with his other friends, assuming he came home at night at all.

The more I thought about it, the more angry and desperate I became. The last thing I wanted was to go back to how things had been in the fall, except worse, because at least then we had a couple of class sessions together. There had to be something I could do to stop history from repeating itself. There had to be something I could do to keep him with me.

I kept tossing and turning all night long. The answer finally came to me at dawn, when I remembered that Jasper kept his school password by his computer. That would be all I needed to change both his and my schedules so that all of our classes were together. This way we could not only go to classes together, but also eat and study together. There would no longer be any reason for us to be apart. I just hoped I could still find enough open sessions that didn't meet at completely unreasonable or overlapping times to make the plan work. I was so excited I nearly leaped out of bed right then to log in and start checking class schedules. Then I remembered that this could potentially be the last time Jasper and I slept together for a while, and I decided that classes could wait. I moved back against Jasper, who wrapped his arm tightly around me without waking, and finally fell asleep.

When I woke he was away from me, as usual. It still bothered me that he needed to put that distance between us in the mornings, as though waking up next to each other was somehow wrong, but I said nothing, not wanting to upset him. Instead, since we didn't need to get up to do anything in particular, we stayed in bed, laying side by side but not touching, together yet apart. Even though I wanted to be there with him as long as possible, some of my anxiety and agitation were returning too. I was eager to log into the registration system to make sure I could actually find the right class sessions for us, and the longer we stayed in bed and off the computer the fewer chances there were of that happening. I imagined available class sessions getting snapped up like tickets to a popular concert. If I didn't get into that system soon, everything would be gone and this plan, like so many other recent plans, would be completely worthless.

"So are you looking forward to any classes this term?" I asked when the silence between us became too prolonged, because the class schedule was the only thing I could think about.

"Not really. The gen-ed classes are a joke," he opined. "I can't wait to be done with those."

"Yeah, I know what you mean," I agreed, even though I actually did enjoy some of them, now that I was paying attention. "I can't believe that for the second term in a row we don't have any classes together. That sucks!"

"Just worked out that way," he shrugged. "There are so many sessions of all those classes, and it's not like we were trying to coordinate during registration."

"Right. It's too bad. If this was Forks we'd just have to go to the school office and everything would be fixed," for the most part I hadn't missed the power I had over my environment in Forks. Actually, I almost enjoyed the fact that last term I had to work and struggle to keep up my grades, and I was proud of what I accomplished all on my own. But when it came to this, to being with Jasper, I'd give anything to be able to switch our schedules with the snap of my fingers, no questions asked. As it was, I knew I would have my work cut out for me in changing our sessions, with no guarantee of complete success.

"But we're not in Forks anymore, Edward," he said curtly, and that tone was surprising. The entire week he had never been this short with me.

It didn't escape my notice that what brought this on was my mention of being back home. Just like he did back in November, he was making his disdain for Forks clear. And now I understood it better, mostly because I heard the explanation from his own mouth. Here in Seattle he made gay friends and, now that he told me everything, he didn't have to hide. Which was all well and good, but it left me the odd man out. In Forks it had been the two of us. Here, as the only non-gay guy in the equation, I didn't belong.

"No, I guess we're not," I observed, wishing we could either travel back in time and place or somehow figure out a way to make Seattle more Forks-like.

"Well, might as well get the day started," Jasper said abruptly. "I'm gonna take a shower."

He got out of bed quickly, grabbed his clothes and headed for the bathroom. I was confused. I didn't know what brought on the sudden change in his mood. Technically, with nothing concrete on our calendar before this afternoon, we could have lounged around a lot longer. But I didn't have much time to contemplate. I needed to change those class schedules, the sooner the better. I scrambled out of bed, turned on his laptop, then logged into the system using his password and started looking for open sessions. By some miracle, luck was on my side. After a couple of failed attempts, I was able to find open sessions of all of our classes with enough spaces for the two of us. Some of them were spaced a bit too far apart and involved a lot of cross-campus walking, but I figured that would give us time to talk, grab a bite to eat, or study on campus, so we had more time to do stuff together in the evenings. I logged out of his account to log into mine and make the same changes. I was sitting at the computer smiling, thoroughly pleased with my efforts, when he walked back into the room.

"Um, Edward? What are you doing?"

"I logged in and looked around and found some gen-ed sessions that would fit both of our schedules so I switched our registration so that we could take those together," I turned back at him, excited to see his reaction. I wasn't prepared for the frown.

"You switched your classes to fit mine?"

"I switched my classes and your classes to sessions we could take together," I explained. He should have known it would have been nearly impossible to find empty seats in all the sessions he registered for. They were at some of the best times and in some of the best locations on campus.

"What?" He shook his head. "You switched my registration? How did you get into my account?"

"I know your ID number and you keep your password written down right by your laptop," I shrugged. It had been the easiest thing in the world. "Not very smart, but the way, you really shouldn't do that," I felt compelled to add.

"Apparently not. I guess it was pretty silly to consider the password safe here, within the confines of my room in my apartment," His tone was thick with sarcasm. "Edward, are you seriously telling me that you just went in and changed my class schedule without my permission?"

"Well, yeah," I admitted, though I was just re-stating the obvious. "We said we'd rather be together, right? So I found a way for us to take these classes together."

"Edward, I worked really hard on putting my schedule together. I had all my classes in the right sequence, on the right days, at the right times. I don't believe you just went in and changed it all. You have to change it back!"

My excitement was suddenly gone. Did he just tell me that he actually wanted his old schedule back? That he was unhappy with the changes I made?

"But isn't being together more important that the time and sequence of your classes?" I asked, desperate for confirmation that it wasn't just me. That he actually wanted us to spend time together as well. "I thought this was important to both of us. I guess I was wrong."

"You weren't wrong." he said with a resigned sigh. "I just wish you had asked me first. It would have been nice to have some input." It wasn't exactly the enthusiasm I was looking for, but at least he seemed to have backed off the demand for me to restore his previous schedule.

"Well," I placated, hearing the request in his last statement for more input into the process and figuring that could still be arranged. "Nothing's set in stone. Why don't you tell me which sessions you'd like to change and we can see if we can find something else that fits?"

We went back on-line and took the time we needed to find an alternate schedule that seemed to make him happier and still had us together for all the sessions. Afterwards I showered and we went out, first to grab a quick lunch and then shopping for books and groceries. I kept glancing at my watch, knowing each passing minute was bringing us closer to the end of our time alone together. I wished I could stop time, or wave a magic wand or something to erase Emmett and Seth from our lives. I had a horrible sense of foreboding that things were about to change back for the worse. That sudden lump in my stomach prevented me from being as responsive to him in those last hours as I should have been, but even though I noticed he was bothered by my agitation, I wasn't able to hide it, which only added to my misery.

At the appointed time we headed to the airport to pick up the two queers. I briefly contemplated lending Jasper my car and asking him to pick them up by himself, before I remembered that it was a really bad idea to have them alone together. If I was there, they would be less likely to try to fill his head up with nonsense and stupid ideas, like starting to date again. Or if they did try, I could do something to intervene. Either way, I had to be there. I wasn't going to let him out of my sight again.

Just my luck, the first flight to arrive was Seth's. Between him and Emmett, I far preferred the hulking brute, even if I did have a hard time shaking the feeling that he wouldn't have minded if there was more between him and Jasper than just friendship. At least Emmett seemed like a regular guy, for the most part, not some undersized human disco ball, always seeking the center stage and the spotlight. I watched Seth come into the luggage area from the gates and was grateful that at least today he left off the sparkles and glitter. What I didn't care for in the least was the hug and kiss he exchanged with Jasper, before the two of them went over to the carousel to pick up Seth's bags. I would have liked to be closer to them to hear what the hell they were whispering about, but even without the shiny clothing Seth was attracting more than his fair share of attention from other people in the terminal, and I didn't want to be close enough to be associated with him. Though I almost wished I had made a different decision when I saw him wrap his hand around Jasper's neck and pull him in for another kiss, then look at me sideways victoriously. The little bastard! It's like he knew this was exactly what I'd been wanting to do and was throwing his freedom to kiss Jasper right in my face. They're just friends. Jasper said they were just friends, I kept reminding myself, my scowl growing nevertheless. I sighed a little with relief when I saw Jasper pull away when Seth tried to kiss him a third time.

I said nothing as Jasper pulled Seth's luggage off the carousel and decided that we had enough time before the arrival of Emmett's plane to take Seth's luggage to the car. I was grateful for the distraction the walk back to the car provided. At least in the parking garage there were fewer people to gawk at Seth. I would have remained silent the entire afternoon, if it wasn't for the little shit goading me when we returned to the terminal. I really should have known better than to give him the benefit of a response, but as usual, my tempter got the better of me.

"So," Seth asked with false innocence, though for whose benefit I didn't know. "I'm trying to figure out why it bothered you so much when I kissed Jasper?"

I glared at him for a second before my response burst forth.

"It bothered me because I care about my friend and his health and with you, well, no offence but one never knows where those lips have been."

I heard Jasper's outraged gasp, followed by a clear order. "Edward, apologize!"

"Like hell I will. Why do I need to apologize for pointing out the obvious?" I knew it had been stupid to let Seth get under my skin in front of Jasper, but the damage was done and I was damned if I was going to lie and say I was sorry for speaking my mind.

Jasper looked as furious as I'd ever seen him. Pissed enough for Seth to try to restrain him with a hand on his shoulder.

"It's OK, Jasper." he said before turning to me. "Well, if I'm Kettle then you must be Mr. Pot. Very nice to meet you and the scores of skanks you've brought home with you since you arrived in Seattle."

I could feel myself turning red. God, I'd been so stupid to get into a war of words with this little fucker. I knew he was sharp and quick. What the hell was I thinking? Now he'd put thoughts of all the damn girls I'd fucked right into Jasper's head. They meant nothing to me, and we all knew it, but I didn't want him thinking about them.

"That was months ago. I've changed," I said with a sideways glance at Jasper to try to gauge his reaction.

"Yes. Yes you have, haven't you?" Seth said after a moment. "Any particular reason for that change, Edward? Have you maybe found that special someone?"

I saw Jasper's speculative expression and my blush deepened. How had the little asshole come so close to revealing my secret? I glared at him, and then I realized that he knew! He knew exactly how I felt and was doing this on purpose. I had no idea what his motive was, but I was furious that he'd put me in a no-win situation with Jasper. I could either answer honestly and risk public rejection and humiliation or not answer and have Jasper wondering who I might be interested in. Damn it! There was no good way out of this.

"There's no particular reason, Seth," I sneered at him. "Not that I owe you any explanations."

I could see Seth had another retort all ready to go, but I was saved by Emmett's booming "Hey guys, there you are!"

"Emmy!" Seth squealed before launching himself at Emmett, much the same way I had seen him catapult himself into Jasper's arms in January. I glanced around nervously and, sure enough, absolutely everyone in the terminal was observing the spectacle as Seth showered Emmett's face with kisses while Emmett giggled like a tween girl. What the hell was wrong with these guys? First of all, it wasn't like they were a couple. Second, they've only been apart for a week. And third, didn't they fucking have any sense of decorum, how to behave in a public place without drawing absolutely everyone's attention to themselves? Did they really need to announce to everyone at the airport that they were queer?

I turned to look at Jasper and saw that, like everyone else in the terminal, he only had eyes for his two friends. He didn't seem to be at all surprised or embarrassed either. Goddamn it! Did he enjoy doing this kind of shit? If we did get together would he expect me to act like that? Fuck! I wanted to kiss him, of course, and more, but not in plain view of so many people. But maybe being queer meant that you had to be an exhibitionist too, which definitely meant I wasn't gay. I would have rather the earth opened up and swallowed me whole than to admit I even knew Seth and Emmett at that moment, much less that I was there with them to pick them up. Shit! Everyone would definitely assume I was queer just like them.

"Come on, you guys," I heard Jasper say. "I'm sure the luggage is off the plane by now. We'd better go get it before they toss what's left over into the lost and found."

Emmett picked up the carry-on bag he had to drop when he was attacked by his roommate and we made our way to the carousel, with him and Seth leading the way. I was grateful that Jasper joined me in the back so we could leave some space between us all. I was hoping against hope that no one would notice we were with them.

"I thought these two were just friends," I said quietly.

"They are."

"Then what's with Seth being all over Emmett like that. I mean, does he do that with everybody?" I was still bitter about what happened in January. Had I realized that the little fag was just playing a game when he met Jasper back then, I would have been more likely to approach Jasper and . . . my anger increased as I watched Jasper shrug casually.

"In case you hadn't noticed, Seth has a flair for the dramatic. It's just the way he is. He can tone it down if he wants to or needs to, but he's clearly missed Emmett and wanted to show him just how much," he was matter of fact, as if that kind of action was the most natural thing in the world.

"Didn't he care that practically every person in the terminal was watching that display?"

"Were they?" he sounded genuinely surprised. I should have known!

"Yeah. He's so embarrassing. How can you stand it? I hope you're not expecting to make a habit of all 4 of us hanging out together in public," I shuddered at the thought. If I had to be with them when they acted like that I would die of mortification. That was so not gonna happen.

"You're being an asshole," Jasper stopped walking and looked at me coldly. "These are my friends and they have both been very good to me. I'm sorry you're embarrassed to be seen with them. I certainly am not. But if being seen with the three of us publicly bothers you so much, if all that is just too damn queer for you, you certainly don't have to do it."

He was pissed. Even more pissed than he had been before, when I insulted Seth. I didn't want to make him this angry, but damn it, couldn't he think about how I felt at all? This wasn't about him. I'd go with him and be with him anywhere. Jesus, we'd just spent the week together all over Seattle. But would being with him mean that we always had to hang out with his attention whore buddy? Shouldn't I have some say about that?

"Jasper, is everything all right?" I turned to see that Emmett and Seth had stopped and were looking back at us anxiously. I was flooded with even more anger. Did they expect me to hurt him some way? Right in the middle of the airport? I was getting damned tired of being treated like the bad guy.

"Yeah, Em. Everything's fine. I just remembered something about one of my classes for Monday. Let's keep going," Jasper's casual tone was too forced to be believed, and I saw that the two of them didn't buy it any more than I did, especially when Jasper left me behind to walk hand in hand with them. I was getting the message loud and clear, and it reinforced all of my fears from the previous night. Even after all the progress we made last week, if it ever came to Jasper choosing between them and me, I'd be the one left behind.

They walked ahead without looking back and I followed, reluctantly, both angry and despondent. I wondered what they would do if I just left now, went back to the car and drove home without them. Tempting as the thought was, it was also stupid. They'd just take a cab back to the apartment and I will have proven right every horrible thing Seth or Emmett ever thought and said about me. I could not give them the satisfaction and ammunition. I would just have to put up with all this crap and keep my mouth shut. No point in antagonizing Jasper further.

I watched as Emmett pulled his luggage off the belt and hugged Jasper. I followed them out to the car and drove back to our building. I listened as Emmett talked about his vacation and Jasper described what we did while they were gone, but I didn't contribute a single word. Better to say nothing at all than to get caught in one of Seth's traps again. I cringed as Seth pulled Jasper off to the side immediately after we got out of the car in our parking lot. I couldn't imagine anything he was talking to Jasper about would have been to my benefit, especially after I saw them hugging tightly. The little jerk was probably whining about how mean I was to him at the airport. I cursed myself again for my lack of self-control. If I could have just ignored his stupid little digs, all of this would have been avoided.

I figured at this point I had nothing to gain by talking, so I continued to keep my mouth shut, helping to carry the queers' luggage back to their place. My frown, which I hadn't been able to erase, deepened when I heard Jasper announce that he would be back shortly before asking me to come back to our place. It sure didn't fail to make an impression that when he talked about returning, he spoke in first person.

"Obviously I haven't seen either Em or Seth in a week, so I'm going to hang out with them tonight," he said as soon as he closed the door behind us back in our apartment. "You don't have to wait up for me. If we're out too late I just might crash at their place. But maybe we can go out to brunch tomorrow?"

"I take it I'm not invited?" I couldn't keep my resentment from creeping into my voice. It stung having all my fears come true so rapidly. Apparently a week of hanging out together, planning activities that he would enjoy, talking, getting closer, all meant nothing. As soon as the new queer friends returned, I was discarded like a used band aid. I was an acceptable companion when there was no one else around, but didn't make the cut when there were alternatives.

"Well, you're clearly not in the mood for company. And we are probably going to go out to grab something to eat, probably to Mario's, which I know you don't like, and Seth will probably do something that would embarrass you, so it's just not the greatest idea for you to join us. Why make everyone miserable when we can have a perfectly nice evening apart? You and I can do something together tomorrow," his tone was apologetic and, much as I hated to admit it, some of his arguments made sense. I'd already had my fill of Seth's public antics for one day. But shouldn't I at least be given a choice, instead of him making the assumption that I wouldn't be able to handle it? Then again, was this worth blowing up into a bigger thing than it was? I did run my mouth at the airport. Maybe Jasper really was just trying to keep things calm.

"I'll stay behind if that's what you want," I conceded. "But I'd like to go out with you guys. I should get to know Seth and Emmett," I made a last ditch argument for going along, hoping he would be convinced.

"Edward, they've just come back from break. I'm sure they just want to relax and be themselves, and that makes you uncomfortable. There's no need to torture yourself."

He was firm, so there was no point in beating a dead horse.

"Fine, I'll find something to do today and we'll do brunch tomorrow. Have fun," I said with absolutely no enthusiasm. Jasper looked at me and for a second I thought he was going to say something, but then he just sighed and turned for the door.

"Have a good day, Edward," sounding slightly more sincere than I had. "I'll see you tomorrow."

I stared at the door long after he closed it behind him, fruitlessly hoping he'd change his mind and come back either to ask me to go with them after all, or to tell me he'd rather spend the evening with me. It was stupid, and I knew it, but I couldn't help myself. Of course, the longer I waited, the worse I felt, until finally I heard them walking past the door on their way out, and I knew beyond any doubt that Jasper's decision had been final.

I resisted my first impulse, which was to follow them. There was no point. It would do me absolutely no good to know where they were going, since I'd never be able to get close enough to hear what they were talking about. The way my luck was going, I would be spotted, giving Seth and Emmett yet another reason to keep Jasper from me. I wasn't about to make that any easier for them, not when there was nothing to gain in the process.

I tried to weigh my options for the evening. I could go to the Dog, as it wasn't a bar that Emmett & Seth frequented on a regular basis, if ever. But the Dog on a Saturday night also likely meant running into Alice, and that was just about the last thing I needed. I felt miserable enough not to want to socialize with anyone, so I decided to stay in. I ordered Chinese food and tried to distract myself with video games, but it wasn't working. When the food arrived I realized that I didn't really have an appetite, and gave up after a couple of bites, shoving it all in the fridge. I paced the apartment angrily, not knowing what to do with myself until an idea struck. I went to my room and booted up my computer. During the week, among many other things, Jasper told me James' last name - Visser. Now I had something to go on to help me figure out how to get that sketch back.

Two hours later I had what I needed. Learning all about James made me sick. The guy was clearly loaded, but he used his money strategically, making contributions to numerous charities and civic organizations, always in a way that would get him lots of press coverage and make him look like a fucking saint. Staring at a newspaper photograph of him posing with a group of prominent Seattle businessmen, I noticed something about his cold, calculating smile. It reminded me of my father.

Fortunately, living in the spotlight meant that it was very easy to get all sorts of information about him. I cataloged everything carefully, making a list of all his published donations and then cross checking to compile a list of e-mail addresses for the various organizations and their lists of other large donors. I could have looked for more, but I figured for now that was all I really needed. I wrote down his office address and put the information away so that Jasper wouldn't find it if he, by some chance, made his way into my room.

Lacking the drive to do anything productive, I went to bed early. There was no point in staying up, watching the clock, wondering what Jasper was doing and whether or not he was coming home. I debated for a second if I should go back to my own bed, but quickly decided against it. If he came home and didn't want to share the bed with me anymore it would be easy enough to move back to my room in the middle of the night, but I certainly didn't want to be the one who took that step first.

Sleeping in Jasper's bed turned out to be a total misnomer, though. I tossed and turned, but no matter what I did, I could not fall asleep. Although I tried to bore and tire myself by thinking about the classes we'd be taking this term and the reading that had been pre-assigned and would have to be completed the next day, in no time I found myself back to listening for every little sound, wondering if a car pulling into the parking lot might be Emmett's or if a noise in the hall might be Jasper coming home. Each time it turned out to be neither, I felt a new wave of disappointment wash over me. Again and again I berated myself for my lack of self-control, which resulted in me being left behind like a temperamental child, and little else.

The more I thought about it, the less I blamed Jasper for going out with the two of them instead of staying with me. I'd shown myself that I'd been right about those two bringing out my anger, but I hadn't ever shared that observation with him, so he couldn't have known that regardless of how I felt about his friends, I would never be angry with him. It was becoming more and more imperative to share my feelings with him, while I still could, before I did something so stupid I would alienate him forever. I wondered if it could wait until we went back to Forks for Easter? His friends wouldn't be there and it would be so much more meaningful to tell him how I felt right where it all began. The idea made me smile, my first smile since Seth's arrival.

Just then I heard the unmistakable sound of Jasper's key in the door. A quick glance at the bedside clock told me it was close to midnight. I sighed in relief, both because he hadn't been out too late and because he'd decided to come home. Of course, he could still refuse to spend the night with me, but at least he wouldn't be sleeping with anyone else. I turned to my side and deliberately evened out and deepened my breathing, pretending to be asleep as I listened to him go to the bathroom and then come to his room and change for bed in the dark.

I resisted the strong urge to hold my breath as he pulled back the covers and slid into bed, knowing he couldn't miss the fact that I was there and wondering what his reaction would be. I kept breathing but smiled again as he pulled up next to me and threw his arm around my waist. I sighed and pushed back even closer against him, still pretending I was lost in slumber. I wished I had been able to turn around, wrap my arms around him to warm his cooler form, but it was safer to leave things as they were. Then he leaned over and I felt his lips ghosting across the skin of my neck in a gentle, fleeting kiss. He whispered something, but in a voice so soft and quiet I could not make out the words. Desperate, I replayed the white noise in my head, trying to filter out the meaning, pretending my mind was one of those sophisticated machines they used to isolate and amplify sound on TV criminal investigation shows, but to no avail. Soon I couldn't even replicate the sound in my head, drowned out as it was by Jasper's even breathing. I sighed again and closed my eyes, willing myself to let the curiosity go. Content in the knowledge that the way he behaved tonight must have meant he had forgiven me on some level, I finally fell asleep.

Sunday morning I awoke before him. As was becoming usual, Jasper was still curled up behind me, his arm holding me close, my hand resting on top of his. Other days when I was fortunate enough to wake up first I had just lain there, basking in his warmth and proximity, enjoying both the softness and the hardness pressed up against me. Our routine was pretty fixed. Eventually he would get up too and pull away, while I pretended to sleep a little longer. That morning, however, I really didn't want to feel him slide away from me, so I decided to do something a little different.

I let go of his hand and flipped over to my other side to face him, aware that this might wake him up and would certainly reveal that I was already awake. To my surprise, he didn't stir or seem to notice my movement. His arm remained draped over my waist, his face a picture of calm, his blond waves, still too short but growing rapidly, framing his features like a halo on an angel. I watched him for a while, taking in his soft yet very masculine perfection. I desperately wanted to touch him, to run my fingertips over his features and his lightly stubbled cheeks and chin, but I didn't want to do anything to disturb this beautiful view. A few months ago I would have hated myself for having these kinds of thoughts about anyone, much less another man, but all that seemed like a very distant past. Right then all I knew was that I would be perfectly happy waking up exactly like this every day for the rest of my life.

I don't know how may minutes we laid there together. The only change I allowed in our positions was to tuck my right arm under my head for a little extra support and to place my left hand on his chest over his heart, where I could feel the soft rise and fall of his lungs. Eventually he stirred, opening up his piercing blue eyes, still a bit bleary with sleep, his lips curling into a smile upon recognizing me.

"Hey," he said softly and sighed. Then, as awareness crept in, his face hardened and his expression changed to wariness. "Hey," he said again, cautiously, as if expecting me to launch into a diatribe.

"Good morning," I said quietly, with what I hoped was an encouraging smile. I wished I could have said more, but I was too afraid to say what I was really thinking and too scared that anything else would come out wrong, so I stayed quiet and just watched him as he, too, seemed at a loss for words.

"So, are we still going out for brunch?" I finally asked, happy to see his face relax back into a smile.

"Sure, if you want. Maybe a little later, though? I'm still full from last night. We did go to Mario's," he explained.

I nodded, hoping that was enough to keep him talking. It was a tenuous balance. Though I wanted to hear what happened the previous night, I didn't want to pry. But I also didn't want for Jasper to start thinking about things and pull away. So far, he seemed not to have noticed that his arm was still wrapped around my back, his thumb absently stroking my spine, or that my hand was still pressed to his chest. If he stopped talking and realized the position we were in, he'd probably shift to his back and not only would all contact be lost, but I wouldn't have the perfect view of those full, kissable lips of his. I remembered what it had felt like to kiss him the few times we'd done it in the past, and I couldn't wait to do it again. If all went according to plan, it would be less than a week before I had my chance.

My luck ran out shortly thereafter. I watched awareness creep into his eyes and, as I feared, he flipped onto his back, folding his arms behind his head, making my hand fall to the mattress between us. Trying hard not to let my frustration show, I shifted to my back as well. We talked for a while, then went to shower and get dressed. I brewed some coffee and we each got started on our reading for class. Eventually Jasper announced that he was hungry again, and we headed out to brunch. The restaurant we went to catered mostly to the college crowd, so the food was simple but filling and good for the budget. Not having eaten the previous night I was actually starving, and quickly inhaled the largest breakfast they had on the menu, plus an extra side of corned beef hash. I saw the surprise on Jasper's face, but he made no comment and we simply continued the conversation we started on our way to the restaurant. 

Afterwards we went back to the apartment and kept reading. I offered to share my barely touched Chinese food with him for dinner, and he suggested ordering more and inviting Emmett and Seth. Feeling fairly content and generous, having spent nearly the entire day in his company, plus wanting to make up for my behavior the previous day, I agreed. The four of us ate while watching a movie, reminding me a little of the routine we'd fallen into before Emmett and Seth left for break. At the end of the evening they went back to their place and Jasper and I retired to his room after changing and getting ready for bed. That night I had absolutely no trouble falling asleep.