Chapter 13

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Chapter 13: A Nervous Boy

I sprinted after Jasper, grateful that I followed the physical therapy regimen religiously so that I could still outrun him, when I suddenly saw him turn and step off the sidewalk. My heart skipped a beat when I realized he intended to run across the street without giving a thought to traffic. I saw a taxi in the distance heading directly for him and I added extra speed to reach him and yank him back against my chest, only moments before the car hurtled past the spot where he had just been standing. My heart thundered and my breaths were labored, both from the run to catch him and from the anxiety of almost seeing him run over. I'd never been much of a believer in God, but I said a thankful prayer to whatever force allowed me to get to Jasper in time and save him from falling under the wheels of the speeding taxi.

"Are you all right?" I asked just to confirm that I hadn't missed anything and truly pulled him to complete safety. All I wanted to do was to wrap my arms around him, breathe in his scent and revel in feeling his body heat. Jasper, however, had a different idea, pulling out of my hold and walking away again, without so much as a thank you. I followed and, when I caught up with him a few strides later, firmly grasped his upper arm to keep him in place.

"Jasper, what the fuck? Are you seriously going to walk away pretending that I'm not even fucking here?" Suddenly I was fuming, not believing that I had just saved him from serious injury if not death, and still he refused to even face me or talk to me. He acted like I didn't matter, didn't exist. But as he threw off my grip and continued walking away my anger left, instantly replaced by despair. I'd been so convinced that he wouldn't be able to just walk away from me, and yet he was doing exactly that, completely ignoring me, without even a second thought. Everything was falling apart before my eyes.

"Jasper, please, look at me, listen to me," I begged, hoping he had some compassion left and would at least give me a few moments to hear me out. "Please, will you just listen to me for a few minutes?"

He slowed, and then stopped, slowly turning around. He looked pained, and I hated knowing that I caused him to look that way. I wanted this reunion to go so differently. I had hoped when we saw each other again our mutual feelings for each other would just take over, and we would have one of those Hollywood embraces. Instead we stood awkwardly on a sidewalk, the distance between us seeming to stretch with each second even as we stood still.

"What do you want from me, Edward?" His voice was soft, resigned. I hated it. I almost would have preferred his anger, because then at least I would know he still felt some passion for me. The way he sounded now I was just a burden, another problem to deal with before he could retire to his apartment for the evening.

"I just want to talk, Jasper. To apologize." I was still begging. I had to. It was clear he had no desire whatsoever to continue speaking with me. "I brought this for you," I added as I held up the bag with the sketch, hoping that maybe getting back the memento would change his attitude. "I think you'll really like it."

He glanced at the bag briefly but said nothing and made no move to take it from me. Crushed, I let it fall back to my side. The invisible wall between us grew taller and thicker with each passing second.

"Is there," I stopped, not sure what to say. I wanted to ask him if there was anything I could do to make him love me again, to take me back, but this was hardly the place for such questions and even if it was, I needed to work up to that so as not to send him running again. "Is there anywhere we could go and talk?" I quickly amended, grateful I could still think on my feet. In the next moment I was overwhelmed with despair again as he shook his head in denial of my simple request.

"Whatever you have to say to me, Edward, you can say right here," he said in a cold voice. I looked around. So I wouldn't even get a benefit of a coffee shop or a fast food restaurant? No sitting down across a table from one another? No intimacy or privacy whatsoever? Had we really been reduced to this?

"Or maybe you should just turn around and go back home. We have nothing to talk about."

I looked up at him, startled, realizing he really, truly wanted nothing to do with me. This sidewalk conversation would be the only opportunity I would get.

"All right, Jas. We can do this your way, here," It was painful, but I was willing to do anything to make this work. If I had to spill my guts on the sidewalk to get him to forgive me, that's exactly what I would do.

"I just wanted to apologize for what I did, for treating you the way I had," I offered. His only response was a blank stare. "I've done a lot of thinking since you left, Jas. I realize how much of an asshole I'd been all the time you've known me, even after I thought I had changed. I know it might take a lifetime to make up for what I did and the way I acted, but I will gladly take that lifetime to make it up to you if it means spending a lifetime with you."

He turned his head away and I knew he didn't believe a word I was saying. And I couldn't blame him. I meant everything I said but it all sounded like a bad line. I remembered Emmett's advice. I had to tell him exactly how I felt.

"Jas, I love you. It took me a long time to realize it, but I've always loved you. I know it sounds stupid, but I think I fell in love with you that first day we met," the words spilled out in a torrent and I was unable to do anything but just let them all flow out. "I know that nothing was ever right when you weren't around. All those summers you spent with your dad – those were the worst times for me. I counted the days for school to start so that I'd see you again. I didn't realize what it was, then. I just always knew you and I had to be together. But I was weak, and I know I fucked it up. I know it was all my fault. I know how much I hurt you.

"All my life I tried to be what people expected me to be and I hurt the person that mattered most to me in the process. I was a selfish prick and I never let you know how important to me you were. Then, when I started to realize that I was no longer as important to you I flipped. I behaved like the lowest life form on earth. And I let my stupid pride and fear get in the way, and I drove you into the arms of that monster! I hate myself for that! And fuck, even when I tried to do better, when I tried to show you how I really felt, I managed to fuck that up too. I know I said all the wrong things, did it all the wrong way. I just didn't know any different, Jas. I didn't know any better.

"And I understand why you got scared and left, I do. And I don't blame you. But Jas, I have changed, I swear I have. And not having you in my life is killing me. When you left, it was like my life ended. I need you. I've always needed you and I will always need you. I love you!"

I stepped towards him, hoping he would reciprocate, but he took a step backwards, maintaining the distance between us. This wasn't working at all. I was telling him everything, laying my heat open before him, but my words were falling on deaf ears.

"I don't want to hear this, Edward," he told me. "I've moved on. I'm stronger."

I didn't understand why he was telling me this. I was glad he was stronger. It was a good thing. But why did that have to stand in the way of our reconciliation?

"Jasper, can't you find it in yourself to forgive me? Isn't there any room in your life for me? I know I don't deserve much, maybe nothing, but if you can give me a chance, I'll do anything, I'll take anything you're willing to give me. Just scraps of your time. Five minutes a day. Fuck, five minutes a week if daily contact is too much. I'll move here. I'll be at your beck and call. Please Jas. I love you so much. Please tell me what I can do. . ." I sounded so desperate, but then that's exactly what I was. I was ready and willing to follow through. If all I could get with him was a weekly conversation over a cup of coffee to start, I'd take it and work from there. If Emmett was right and Jasper still loved me, he would have to see how serious I was. But still he didn't say anything, just stared at me silently, coldly. I suddenly knew it wasn't enough. My talk with Emmett, all the speculation, all the planning. Even all of it put together wasn't enough. I tried telling him how I felt, I tried giving him the control, but he wanted nothing to do with any of it, or with me. I looked down at the sidewalk.

"Emmett said if I was honest, if I told you everything..." It was the only thing left I could think of. Surely if he knew that Emmett had spoken with me he would believe I had really changed. But as I looked up at him I knew that wasn't the case. If anything, his face became paler, harsher, and now there was an anger in his eyes that I hadn't seen before.

"There's nothing here for you, Edward," he said, and the icy finality in his voice sent shivers down my spine. "It took me a while the first time, but I did learn. I didn't fall for this with James, and I'm not falling for it with you. Go home. Don't try to contact me again, and tell Emmett the same."

"What?" Jesus, there it was. The comparison to James had hurt when I heard it from Emmett. It nearly killed me coming from Jasper's own lips. "Jasper, no! Please don't do this."

"Go home," he said again and tried to walk around me. I stepped in his path. I couldn't just let it end like this. Hadn't he heard anything I'd said?

"Jasper, please, listen to me," I begged. He tried to step to the other side and I got in his way again. I couldn't think of anything I could do to make him listen, but I couldn't let him leave until I did. I saw him look at something over my shoulder, but I didn't dare take my eyes off him to see what it was.

"I have to go," he said.

"No," I grabbed his arm but he shrugged me off. A woman came up to him from behind me and touched him on the shoulder. She looked at me briefly before reaching up to kiss his lips.

"What's going on, love?" she asked, still paying no attention to me. I stared at them, completely confused. Who was this person and why was she kissing my Jasper? I wanted to rip him away from her, to shout that he would never be interested in her, that he would never be her love, that he belonged with me, but as I watched them exchange a long, meaningful, intimate look, I found myself unsure. Then she turned back to look at me.

"I'm Angela," she said, clearly only introducing herself to receive a similar response from me. Her tone of voice indicated that I should have known who she was. I felt ill, lowering my head to stare at the sidewalk.

"Edward," I gave her the bare minimum. If she didn't know who I was, that would mean she wasn't important to him. It would mean he hadn't shared anything with her. Maybe he was trying to hide the fact that he was gay again, to fit in better at a new school? Maybe that's why he was so nervous about me being here? But if that was the case, why did he insist on talking here out in the open?

"I see," she said. "What the fuck are you doing here, Edward?" The way she said my name made it clear she knew exactly who I was. I looked up at her in shock. "Did you think that after doing what you did to him," she continued, "you can just waltz back here with a present in hand and pick up where you left off fucking up his life?"

She knew. It was obvious she knew everything. She wasn't just some ignorant girl trying to snag a good looking boyfriend. And the way she sounded, she hadn't heard anything positive about me. Was that really how he saw me? As someone who'd fucked up his life?

"Well, guess what?" she kept on talking. "He's moved on. He's a changed man, a stronger man, and he has people who love him and really care for him, including me. And I'll be damned if I'm going to let you or anyone else ever hurt him again. So take your sorry ass to whatever rock you crawled out from under, Edward. You're not welcome here."

I stared at her, wide eyed. She was acting as his protector, but that was completely fucked up. That was my role. I was supposed to protect him from other people. He didn't need anyone to protect him from me.

"What's the matter, Eddie?" she taunted. "Surprised you're not as unforgettable as you obviously think you are?" She looked me over derisively. "You are good looking, I'll give you that. No wonder Jasper lusted after you all those years. But that's all it was, and it's over now. Now he's learned that you're nothing but a parasite, feeding off his good nature and kindness. And he's never going to fall under your spell again. So take your fucking present and get the hell out of here."

"It's not like that," I didn't know who this woman was, but she was twisting everything, making it all sound so horrible. "You don't understand. You don't know anything. That's not why I'm here."

"It's not like that?" she was relentless. "You didn't come here with grand speeches about how you've changed? How everything is going to be different if Jasper just takes you back? How losing him has made you a new man?"

At that moment I knew it was over. No matter what I said, she would find a way to interpret it in a way that made me look like a monster. Once upon a time I would have been able to count on Jasper to defend me against such accusations, but I knew that was no longer the case. Now he believed I was the man she described. And with her by his side, reinforcing his decisions just as I'd done earlier when he was trying to resist James, he would hold his ground and would not listen. It didn't matter that the situation was completely different. I could tell that in his mind James and I were one and the same. I'd lost him.

The woman kept speaking, but I was no longer listening. It really didn't matter what she said. I focused on Jasper, trying to look deep into his eyes and into his soul and implore him to recognize me for the friend he always knew. The friend who was an idiot and a fuck up, but who had never hurt him. The friend who'd just confessed how much he loved him and needed him. But instead of responding, Jasper simply turned away. With that single motion, he gave me his final answer. And for once, I decided to honor his wishes, because it was literally the last thing I could do to show him that I had changed. Instead of standing there on the sidewalk and continuing the verbal battle, I turned and walked away.

I didn't know where I was going. I only wanted to get away. I felt numb and empty, but I knew that was only temporary. Soon the shock would wear off and the debilitating pain of what had just happened would set in. I saw little and heard less as I moved one foot in front of the other, just trying to remain upright and not collapse under the weight of this ultimate rejection. I thought about the taxi careening down the street and Jasper's non-reaction when I pulled him out of the way. Would he really have preferred death to talking with me? But perhaps that wasn't so surprising. At the moment, I would have preferred death over being with myself as well. I glanced up and down the street. Just my luck, there was no traffic, and if there had been the drivers could easily swerve to avoid me even if I decided to leap out at the last second.

My legs weakened then buckled and I sat on the sidewalk where I'd been standing. I buried my head in my hands. It was all over. All the changes I made, all the admissions and realizations, they were all for nothing. I'd sealed my fate the night Jasper left and there would be no second chances. I didn't want to go back to the person I'd been, but neither was there any point in going back to the person I thought I'd become. No matter how anyone else saw me, I could only ever remember the way Jasper's eyes looked right through me. I could tell he wished I didn't exist, and I could honor that wish too.

My mind made up, I started to rise, ready to head out in search of a way to accomplish my goal. The movement caused something to fall out of my pocket. I looked down and saw my phone. Sitting back down, I picked it up and opened it, realizing I'd never turned it back on after turning it off in Seattle prior to take off. The power button enticed me, and I pressed it against my better judgment. It took a few moments to find the network, and then it started buzzing with the alert that I had messages. I checked my texts first. There were two from Emmett, the first wishing me good luck. The second asking me to call him to tell him what happened. There was another one from Maggie, asking me to call her as soon as I got the text. I had a few more voice mails and debated whether to listen to them or not. Most likely it was more of the same. Then again, maybe Jasper changed his mind and called Emmett for my number? Hope suddenly flaring to life again, I dialed my voice mail. The first message was from Maggie, cautioning me against acting too rashly and asking me to call her before I spoke with Jasper. Too little, too late, I thought bitterly. The second message was from Emmett, pretty much repeating what he'd already said in his texts. There was a third message from Roger, reminding me I had agreed to work this weekend with a crew helping to re-build a road in the park that had been washed away by spring mudslides. That was it. Nothing at all from Jasper. Hope crashed and burned itself out.

I contemplated throwing the phone away, but then I realized that no matter what I planned to do later, Emmett and Maggie, at least, deserved a final phone call. I debated who to call first, finally settling on Emmett.

"Edward, how did it go?" He didn't bother with preliminaries.

"Not so good, Emmett," I replied, my voice cracking a little. "He doesn't want anything to do with me."

"Oh shit," I heard the mouthpiece being covered up as Emmett relayed information to someone else in the room. Though it was quiet and muffled, I knew I heard Seth's voice. Though his words were unintelligible, the tone was unmistakable 'I told you so.'

"What happened? Did you tell him everything? That you loved him?" Emmett asked.

"Yeah, but he didn't want to hear it. He thinks I'm lying. He thinks I'm a monster, a parasite," I started sobbing.

"Jesus, Edward," Emmett sounded concerned. "Where are you?"

"I don't know," I choked out between sobs. "It doesn't matter. It's all over. There's nothing left."

"Don't say stuff like that. When are you coming home?"

I didn't respond.

"Edward, when are you coming home?"

"I..." how could I tell him this? "I don't think I am. There's no point. Thank you for everything..."

"Edward," he was suddenly stern, "You had better not be thinking what I think you're thinking. Do not make me regret all the time I spent with you over the past six months, do not let me regret becoming your friend, and do not make me responsible for what you're thinking of doing."

"What?" I was confused. "You're not responsible for me Emmett. You never have been."

"If I hadn't given you his contact information you would have never gone there and this would not be happening. That makes me responsible. Please, Edward, I feel horrible enough as it is, do not lay any more at my feet. Come home. I'll talk to Jasper. Maybe Seth was right and this was too soon, but it doesn't mean that you can't try again. But for now you have to come home. When is your flight back?"

"I never booked a flight back," I told him honestly. "I didn't know how things would go here so I didn't know when to book for."

"Damn it," he cursed, "All right, give me a moment. Hold on. Don't go anywhere."

"Emmett..." I knew he was trying to figure out travel plans and I wanted to tell him not to bother, but his words had rattled me. Things were different now I realized that if I did anything to myself, it would impact him too, leaving him with the guilt of having been the one who gave me the information that allowed me to put this fiasco in motion.

"Hold on, Edward. Just hold on," his voice was muffled again as he spoke to Seth, though I could clearly hear his agitation.

"Edward, we're checking flight combinations now. Stay on the phone, but start figuring out how to get to the airport. It's getting late and if there's any hope of getting you here we need to get you on a flight soon. Do you have a car?"

"No, I took a cab," some of his frenetic energy was coming through the line and rubbing off on me. I pushed myself up to a standing position and looked around. Rochester wasn't exactly a city where all you needed to do to find a cab was step off the sidewalk with your hand raised in the air. "But I'm in the middle of nowhere, Em. I would have to call for a cab to take me back."

"Is there anywhere you can call from without getting off the phone with me?"

I looked around, spotting a gas station on a corner. I started walking to it, but stopped when I could see, from a few feet away, that the pay phone had been taken out.

"There's a gas station, but no pay phone," I explained.

"Go inside and ask the guy to call a cab for you. He'll be able to give them an address."

I followed his instructions, handing the guy ten bucks in advance just to do me a favor. He pocketed the cash and eyed me warily, but picked up the phone and dialed, giving the dispatcher the address.

"Someone should be here in 5 minutes," he told me. I barked a quick thank you and went to wait outside.

"All right, listen," Emmett came back on the line. "There's no way to get you back to Seattle tonight."

I was crushed again. In all the excitement and energy he generated, I suddenly wanted to go back home, to see him and Maggie. Now that too was snatched away.

"That's OK," I said dully. "I can get a hotel near the airport, leave tomorrow."

"No," Emmett's voice was categorical. "We can't get you back to Seattle, but you are not staying in Rochester, alone. You can fly as far as Denver tonight, and I'll meet you there. Tomorrow we can come home together."

"Em, that's not necess..."

"Damn it, you let me decide what is and what is not necessary," this was a different Emmett than I had ever heard before. He was commanding, and he wasn't taking no for an answer. "You just get your ass to the airport and on the plane. You'll be making one connection."

"The cab's here," I told him as the taxi pulled into the station.

"Good," he said. "Tell the guy to step on it. And stay on the phone so Seth can give you the details. I need to pack a few things. And don't you dare hang up!"

Emmett knew me too well. He figured out Seth would be the last person I wanted to talk to in my current state of mind.

"Hey, Edward," surprisingly, Seth's tone was kind and held none of the gloating superiority I expected. "Do you have something to write all this down?"

I reached into my inside jacket pocket and pulled out a pen. I decided to write on the gift bag.

"Go ahead, I'm ready."

Seth gave me the flight information. I glanced at my watch. It was going to be tight. If there was any delay at security I might not make this flight, and apparently it was the last flight that could get me to Denver tonight. Seth kept talking to me, telling me all the other different flight combinations they'd tried - irrelevant drivel designed solely to keep me on the phone. Finally, a few minutes later, Emmett came back.

"All right, I'm heading for the airport too. As soon as you get into the Denver airport tonight you call me, all right? I should be there before you and I'll take care of the hotel. Just call me and I'll get you at arrivals. And stay on the phone with me now until you're at the airport going through security. I want to make sure you get on that flight."

Emmett kept me on the phone the entire ride to the airport talking about the most ridiculous things, like traffic in Seattle, advertisements he was passing, the people in the car next to him. I knew he was trying to distract me and stop me from thinking about what happened with Jasper. It wasn't really working, but I didn't have the heart to tell him. He was trying so hard.

I got lucky at the airport. There were only a few people at the check-in counter, so I was able to pay for my ticket and pick up my boarding passes quickly. With just the gift bag in hand, going through airport security went smoothly as well. I hung up with Emmett, assuring him that I would make the flight and that I would see him in Denver. Now that I knew he had spent the money and was going to fly to Colorado, I couldn't change my mind.

My first flight was short, taking me to Washington DC, where I caught the connection to Denver. There was little to stop me from thinking about Jasper while I was up in the air the first time. On the flight to Denver, however, I sat in front of an obnoxious six year old who must have been an aspiring soccer player, judging by the way he relished kicking the back of my seat. It pissed me off and aggravated me to no end, but I said nothing, knowing that however annoying, the distraction was actually priceless.

I arrived at the Denver airport close to midnight. As promised, I called Emmett as soon as it was permissible to turn on my cell phone. He was waiting for me at arrivals, easy to spot, exactly where he told me he would be. I couldn't help it, as soon as I saw him I started sobbing again, and was so grateful for the huge arms that wrapped tightly around me and held me close to him.

"It's gonna be all right, Edward," he soothed. "We'll work it out so that it's all right. Now come on, you look dead on your feet, let's go get some sleep."

The Holiday Inn Express shuttle was waiting at the curb and it whisked us back to the hotel quickly. Tucked under Emmett's arm and hiding my face in his side, I didn't even look at the hotel lobby as we walked with through it. I finally peeled myself away from him when we got to the room, and I was startled to see a single king sized bed. I looked over at him in alarm.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to try anything. But you're not sleeping alone tonight," he said in explanation.

I was reminded of the way Seth and Emmett both comforted Jasper after he escaped from James, and while I would have never thought to ask for this on my own, I was grateful that Emmett thought to do the same thing for me. He also must have stopped in at my apartment while I was on the phone with Seth, because my own tee shirt and sleep pants were laid out on the bed for me.

"I got you a change of clothes for tomorrow, too," Emmett explained. "Are you hungry? I bet you haven't eaten in a while."

I shook my head just as my traitorous stomach grumbled loudly. Emmett snorted.

"Too bad. You should eat anyway," he said, pulling a sub sandwich and a bottle of water from the mini fridge in the room. "Maggie will have my head if I don't get something in you," he paused for a second. "And I have the feeling you'd prefer the sub to the alternative."

It took me a moment to catch the implication. I stared at him in shock, wondering how he could even joke about something like that at a time like this, but when I saw his small smirk, I had to return it. I shook my head, but took the sub and water and walked with both over to the small table by the window. I ate quickly, suddenly feeling ravenous. Emmett just watched.

"I put your toothbrush and toothpaste in the bathroom," he said when I was done. "You should get ready for bed."

I didn't argue, just threw away the sandwich wrapper and bottle, feeling guilty knowing it was probably not going to be recycled. I grabbed the tee shirt and sleep pants and headed for the bathroom. A few minutes later I was changed and ready for bed.

"Choose a side," Emmett said. "Our flight doesn't leave tomorrow until 11:30, so we can sleep in. I'll just go change and be right back."

I pulled back the standard issue hotel bedding and crawled in. Even though I knew Emmett was harmless, I was apprehensive. The only man I had ever slept with was Jasper. I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to change that record.

A few minutes later Emmett emerged from the bathroom wearing sleep pants and a white tank. I had to admit, he was a pretty impressive specimen of a man. I was fortunate that I couldn't think of him as anything other than a friend. If I felt even a hint more towards him, it would have made this situation completely unworkable.

Emmett got in under the covers and we both reached to turn off our bedside lamps.

"You're too far away," he said in the dark. "Come here. I'm not gonna hurt or molest you, but I know you could use a hug."

I shifted closer to him so that our sides were touching. His frustrated sigh was quiet, but still audible. I took a deep breath and turned towards him, wrapping my arm around him and laying the side of my face on his chest. He put his arm around me and pulled me closer.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked. I shook my head, but the question sliced right through the wound, opening it up again. I started to weep. Emmett brought his other arm around and pulled me in even closer, so I was nearly lying on top of him. He held me, murmuring soothing words, as I cried until I fell asleep.

The next morning I woke up with warm arms surrounding me, and for a moment I was taken back to those weeks when Jasper and I spent every night together. Within seconds, however, I realized that the body spooning up behind me was much larger than Jasper's, and that the hard cock that was pressed into the crack of my ass felt different as well. With a start, I remembered everything that happened, and knew I was in bed with Emmett. An Emmett who, judging by his heavy and even breathing, was still very much asleep, though one part of him apparently decided to wake early. Of course, I was suffering from a similar predicament. I remembered how much I'd enjoyed this part of the morning when I was sleeping with Jasper. Of course, back then I actually allowed myself to hope we had both been hard not just because it was morning, but also because we were attracted to one another. Shit! What if Emmett thought the same thing when he woke up? This was definitely not how I wanted my morning in bed with my very-large-all-over friend to start.

As gently as I could, I lifted Emmett's arm and slid my body from under it towards the foot of the bed. Once I'd cleared his arm, I slithered to the side and out of bed. I padded quietly into the bathroom and closed the door behind me. I started the shower and stripped and relieved myself while the water was warming up, before stepping in and using the hotel provided toiletries to complete my morning routine. I forgot to grab my clothes on the way in, so when I was done I wrapped a large bath towel around my waist and headed back out into the room in search of something to wear.

"Good morning," Emmett was still in bed, though he was now sitting up against the headboard and rubbing his eyes. "How are you doing?" He pressed his folded arms back as he stretched, his massive chest straining the fabric of the tank.

"I'm OK," I told him, and it wasn't far from the truth. I hadn't yet had time to think about and dwell on what happened yesterday. "You said you had a change of clothes for me?"

"Yeah, in my bag in the closet," he said. "Can you make some coffee?" he asked, pointing to the small in-room coffee maker.

"Sure," I got the coffee started first, then retrieved my clothes and got dressed. Emmett took a quick shower and he too got dressed. We each drank our first cup of coffee, and then went downstairs to grab the breakfast offered by the hotel. Afterwards we packed up our few belongings and took the hotel shuttle back to the airport. A few hours later we were home, still not having discussed anything that happened.

Maggie and Seth were both waiting for us at the SeaTac airport. For once Seth remained subdued and didn't jump all over Emmett as soon as he saw him, though as I stepped into Maggie's arms, I saw the two men exchange a close hug as well. We drove back home in separate cars, Emmett leaving with Seth and Maggie coming in my car with me. Maggie and I didn't really talk on the way home. She just held her hand over mine on the gear shift, just to let me know she was there. It wasn't until we were settled in on the sofas and armchairs in the living room of my apartment, that I knew I was expected to tell them all what happened. Fortunately, the story wasn't overly long. Still, it was painful, and I couldn't get through it without bawling. It was amazing, though, how much of difference being surrounded by friends made. Just knowing that everyone in the room cared about me and wanted to make me feel better had a huge impact, as did having Maggie by my side to hold me through the worst parts of the story. No one said anything. Even Seth, who I expected to rail and rant about the warnings he issued before Emmett gave me Jasper's contact information, stayed remarkably quiet. When I was done and cried myself out on Maggie's shoulder, he came over to the sofa and sat on my other side. He turned towards me and wrapped his arms around me tightly.

"That wasn't the real Jasper you were talking to, Edward," he said. "That was just the persona that's guarding him, because he's still too fragile. I should have realized he wouldn't have been able to get over what happened with James so quickly and insisted that Emmett and I coddle him longer, maybe worked with you too, to help you change more before letting the two of you be alone together. I should have been able to see through all that crap you put up and realized that, with a little work, you could become the man Jasper needed. I'm sorry for that. I feel I failed both of you. And I wish you had listened to me and waited a little longer to go see him, but what's done is done. Now we just have to wait."

Emmett tried calling Jasper, but only got voice mail all evening long.

"Guess he's not ready to talk to me yet," he said, sadly.

"I'm sorry, Em. I wish I hadn't said anything about you. I didn't need to drag you into it."

"Don't worry about it, Edward. He would have figured it out soon enough anyway," Emmett reasoned. "And if he asked me, I wouldn't have lied to him. I just wish I told him earlier that I'd been talking with you and about all the changes you made. Maybe that would have made a difference."

"No," I shook my head sadly. "If you had only seen how he looked at me. Telling him that you were talking to me would have only stopped him talking to you sooner."

The following night Emmett finally got through, but he didn't get to speak to Jasper. The fire breathing dragon named Angela apparently intercepted his calls as well, and told Emmett in no uncertain terms that Jasper didn't want to speak with him, and that Em was never to call Jasper again.

"You're not going to listen to her, are you?" I asked anxiously, horrified that not only did I manage to make Jasper hate me, but I also caused a rift in Emmett's friendship with him.

"I'm going to follow his lead and let him figure out what he needs. I'll tell him I'm always there for him and let him decide if he still wants to take advantage of that or not. It's all I can do, Edward. I can't force him to forgive me," I could tell that, for my sake, he was trying to hide how upset he really was, and I felt horrible. But as with everything else, I could not undo the damage I'd already done, and Emmett seemed to understand that I hadn't meant to hurt him, even if that's how things turned out.

The first few weeks back in Seattle were hard. I couldn't stop thinking about Jasper's indifference towards me, and the contempt I heard in his 'protector's' voice, that could have only gotten there based on things she heard about me from him. As before, during the day I went through the motions, attending all my classes and studying, but I couldn't face the guys at the park, so I withdrew from all volunteer activities for a while, citing tough coursework and a death in the family. It was a lie, but not much of one. Jasper had always been closer to me than any of my real family, and now he was gone. When I was alone I thought of nothing else but my disastrous trip to Rochester, and would often spontaneously burst into tears. When my friends finally figured that out, the four of them barely ever left me alone. I was spared the indignity of having Emmett in the shower with me, but otherwise someone was always around, making sure I ate and didn't hit the liquor. Maggie tried to be there with me during the day. In the evenings it was Rose or Emmett who kept me company and, on occasion, even Seth stayed home with me. They did their best to distract me, but my mind held fast to the horrible memories.

In the beginning, I even had company at night, as Emmett insisted on sleeping with me, sometimes at his place sometimes at mine, depending on who had earlier classes. That was a greater comfort than I could have ever imagined it would be, despite the awkwardness of the occasional erection, from either of us, and not all of them in the morning. After the second or third time we finally just laughed it off, conceding that it was inevitable that one of us would get hard on occasion lying next to another warm body, and that it had nothing to do with how we felt about each other. After that, stuff still happened, but we barely even noticed. It was over a month before we finally agreed that I no longer needed that kind of support.

Eventually, with all this TLC from the people around me, I couldn't help but start feeling better. I wasn't normal. I still ached for Jasper and thought about him every day, but for the most part I was able to push all those thoughts and feelings to the back of my head. I went back to the volunteer work at the park, and the things I did there helped me focus on something outside of myself. Maggie and Rosalie helped me out with that as well.

When I came back, the two of them put their house hunting plans on hold, and I had no will or desire to protest. A few weeks later, after I started feeling better, they sat me down in the dinette again. I knew they hadn't yet gone to look at houses, so I had no idea what this talk would be about.

"We're still ready to move," Rose began, "if you want us to."

"But we're also happy to stay, if you don't mind?" Maggie added.

I was wary. I did not want them putting their life on hold out of pity for me, and told them so.

"As it turns out, this would help us as well. We looked into artificial insemination and child birth and it's all not exactly cheap. Rosie has health insurance through her work and I'll be eligible to use it as her domestic partner, but it doesn't cover elective procedures like artificial insemination and it doesn't cover 100% of the cost of birth. So if we stay here and split the rent with you, even now that I'm no longer working for Esme, it would still help us out financially. Once I get pregnant and we get closer to the baby's birth, we can start looking again," Maggie explained.

My head swam with foreign terms like artificial insemination and domestic partner, but it sounded like staying with me would actually benefit Maggie and Rose.

"So you're actually going through with it? The baby? Who's gonna be the father?"

"Well, we thought about that. We considered going to a sperm bank, but that seems so impersonal. We thought about asking some friends. . . "

"I sure wouldn't mind our kid took a dip in Emmett's gene pool," Rosie threw in. The girls both looked at each other and giggled.

"But in the end we decided that we wanted the baby to be related to both of us, so we asked Rosie's older brother, Jason, and he agreed. This way, if God forbid something ever happened to me and the state was giving Rosie a hard time about keeping the baby, her own brother would be the natural father and he would make sure the baby stayed with her."

It seemed like a thought out plan, though I still didn't understand why my sister felt the need to have a child before the age of 20. But I hid whatever misgivings I might have had and congratulated them, and happily agreed that it made all the sense in the world for them to continue living in the apartment, at least for the time being.

Maggie and Rose registered their domestic partnership and had a small ceremony and reception to celebrate, with just me, Emmett, Seth, some of their other close female friends and Rosie's co-workers, as well as Rosie's parents and brother, who drove over from Tacoma, and Maggie's parents, who drove in from Forks. At first it was a little awkward socializing with Maggie's parents, both of whom were clearly highly distrustful of me, but as time passed and they saw for themselves how close Maggie and I had gotten, our interaction became a lot more comfortable. By the end of the weekend it felt like I'd gained another set of parents. Parents who were, by any measure, more accepting of my true self than my own parents ever had been.

Shortly after the reception Jason contributed his stuff and Maggie went through whatever procedures she needed to go through to get herself knocked up. We all celebrated when we got the news that the insemination took, though Emmett, Seth and I could not imagine why the women were so excited about taking on a highly disruptive, clingy, 18-year-long responsibility. Maggie's only regret as the pregnancy progressed, though, seemed to be the inability to satisfy a suddenly overwhelming and persistent craving for Guinness, something I was only too eager to tease her about, given her complete inability to abide the stuff before.

I continued with my studies and volunteer work at the park, and kept hanging out with Roger and the other guys. A couple of months after returning from Rochester I finally told Roger and Yvonne I was gay. I had little choice, as Yvonne was even more tenacious than the guys about setting me up with some of her younger single girlfriends. I didn't know what to expect, but I should have known two die hard environmentalists wouldn't blink an eye at my announcement. Yvonne's only disappointment was that she didn't have enough younger gay male friends that she could set me up with. The woman was absolutely relentless in her desire to see me paired off.

On Roger's advice, I didn't make a public announcement to the rest of the guys.

"If it comes up, tell the truth, and don't try to hide it by pretending to be interested in girls," he said. "But there's no need to stir the pot for no reason. Some of the guys will be cool. Others, I'm not so sure. So let's just wait and the news will get out on its own eventually, maybe when Yvonne finally manages to find you that special guy," he winked, elbowing me in the side.

Of course, I still wasn't any more interested in looking for a special guy than I had been before. I'd had my special guy, and just because he didn't want to have anything to do with me didn't mean that I could just forget him and move on to someone else. The gay squadron took me out to bars and clubs and tried to set me up with different people, but I stubbornly resisted. I even started to feel that maybe going through life single and celibate wasn't the worst thing. I was very comfortable with my own hand, and even if living with Rose and Maggie showed me that I missed out on some good aspects of a committed relationship, I avoided plenty of bad ones too. Of course, Seth still tried to get me to just go out and screw guys, but I had no interest in that either. I simply didn't find myself attracted to anyone enough to want to do that. Plus, my first time with a guy sent him running across the country. That sort of thing didn't exactly inspire a lot of confidence in my abilities. And even though Seth and Emmett encouraged me to watch gay porn, just for the visual education, I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Finally, the four of them grew so frustrated with my recalcitrance that they insisted I see a therapist. I resisted that too, for as long as I could, but eventually I gave in and started seeing Dr. Furman. My sessions with him were fine and, for the most part, pleasant. Even after months of seeing him, though, I didn't feel I was making any real progress. It was good to talk about some of the stuff, and get it out in the open, and I was thinking about Jasper less often than I had before, but I was never able to put him out of my mind completely or shift my focus to someone else. Still, I continued to go, because I knew there'd be hell to pay if I didn't.

One April afternoon Dr. Furman was running late. The receptionist, Molly, had told me when I signed in that some multi-car pile-up had traffic all snarled up, with all lanes blocked to clear a landing space for a helicopter, so the victims could be air lifted to the hospital. I felt badly for the injured, of course, but I was annoyed as well. The last place I wanted to sit for any extended period of time was Dr. Furman's waiting room. I asked if I should reschedule, but the receptionist just shrugged and told me the doctor asked me to wait. Trying as hard as I could not to show my aggravation, I proceeded to the waiting room and sat down, scanning the titles of magazines on the side table for something to read while I waited. None of the magazines interested me, so I looked around the room instead. That's when he walked in.

Ordinarily, I tried to avoid looking at anyone in the waiting room. We were all there to deal with our problems in the relative privacy of our therapists' offices. We didn't need to give up that privacy just because sometimes we were early or the therapists late. There was something about him, though, that made me keep staring.

He was slightly shorter than me, but still tall. He had a nice slim build and a mop of dirty blond hair, brushed from the center of his head to the sides and forward, so that it came down to cover his ears and what looked like a high forehead, and nearly obscured his eyes. In the back the hair was left long enough to curl slightly at the very bottom away from his scalp. He spoke quietly with Molly, so I couldn't hear exactly what he was saying, but I liked the smooth tone of his voice. He was dressed casually but well, obviously having taken care with his appearance. He had a perfect profile. Strong chin, straight nose, high cheekbones, full lips - definitely a good looking guy. I felt a tightening in my jeans as I stared at him and, for the first time, I didn't want to look away or start thinking about dead puppies.

"Well fuck me stupid," I thought, "I think I just had a gay breakthrough."

Of course, I had no idea whatsoever if the guy was gay or straight. He didn't exactly scream straight, but he was no Seth Clearwater, either. I suddenly found myself needing to know, but I had no clue how to go about finding out.

He finished speaking with Molly and made his way over to the chairs, keeping his eyes downcast. I couldn't stop staring, noticing more little details. He had long fingers, with no visible roughness or callouses.

"Not a sports player, then," I thought.

He sat in the chair calmly, without fidgeting, his right ankle resting atop his left knee, his hands lying flatly across the tops of his thighs. Almost despite myself I looked at his crotch, appreciating the sizable bulge in his jeans. Was he a "shower, not a grower," I wondered, or was there even more where that bulge came from? And, Jesus Christ, I really wanted to find out, didn't I? At least that's what the boner growing in my jeans was trying to tell me.

I looked up again. Fortunately he hadn't, so he hadn't seen me checking out his goods. I was shocked at my reaction to him. This hadn't happened to me since... well, never. I had never allowed myself to consciously and freely check out another guy before. This really was a breakthrough. Maybe too much of a breakthrough. My dick was threatening to break through my underwear and jeans. As surreptitiously as I could, I reached over to the side table and picked up a magazine, which I placed in my lap. It wasn't subtle, but it should do the trick until I managed to make the damned thing go away.

I opened the magazine and started leafing through it. It figured I would have picked up Good Housekeeping. Still, it turned out to be an inspired pick. Nothing made a hard on go away faster than a discussion of possible medical causes for heavy periods. As soon as I was comfortable again, I tossed the magazine back to the table. I looked back at the guy, who'd hardly moved since his arrival.

"Your Doctor running late too?" I asked. Normally I'd never engage another patient in conversation, but this was different. I wanted to hear his voice again, and to see the color of his eyes.

He looked up and I nearly gasped, reminding myself at the last moment to keep it together. His face was long and nearly emotionless, except for an air of melancholy. He had a smooth, pale complexion, thick eyebrows, slightly darker than his hair color, and a fabulous cleft chin. His lips were light pink and full, almost pouting. His eyes were pale blue, nearly gray, but even with the lightness of color his gaze held an amazing intensity. I found it impossible to look away.

"Yeah," he said quietly and shrugged. "Bad accident, I guess."

He looked back down, sparing me from feeling like I fool for not being able to stop looking at him. I was both relieved and frustrated. The conversation was over before it had even begun, and I could not think of what else to say.

"Have you been coming here long?" I blurted out, and could have hit myself on the forehead, Homer style, for using a bad bar pick-up line. So inappropriate on so many levels. What therapy patient wanted to talk about how long they've been seeing their therapist?

"I'm sorry," I hastily added, "Forget I asked that. It's clearly none of my business."

He looked up at me again, his face a little more animated with traces of curiosity.

"That's OK," he said. "You're nervous. You don't like to wait."

I blanched a little, feeling like I was being mentally evaluated right there in the waiting room, by a non-professional, at that. Then I realized I was being ridiculous, and forced myself to calm down. I smiled at him sheepishly.

"That obvious, huh?"

He smiled back, and his whole face brightened beautifully.

"A little obvious, yeah," he teased. "And I've been seeing Dr. Brenner for about four months."

"Oh," I was surprised by his openness. "You like him?"

"Sure," he nodded, his face falling a little. "He's been helpful," his voice trailed off and he looked down, the smile completely disappearing. I cursed silently. He was about to withdraw again, and I wasn't ready for the conversation to be over.

"I like Dr. Furman," I offered. "He's pretty easy to talk to. Although I sometimes wondered if this therapy stuff was doing me any good. Until today, that is."

He looked up, once again curious.

"Really, today? You haven't even seen him yet."

Oh, that's just fucking brilliant, Cullen! Way to go! Really wanted to bring up that boner, didn't you?"

I laughed nervously.

"Maybe sitting in the waiting room works as therapy too."

The phone rang and we both looked over at Molly, who picked it up and spoke quietly. She hung up moments later.

"Edward?" she said to draw my attention. Realizing that I was already looking at her, she continued, "That was Dr. Furman. It looks like the road is going to be blocked for quite some time, so he asked me to tell you that he won't be able to make today's session and to please reschedule."

I sighed and got out of my chair to walk over to her. Just my luck, the one time that I was more than willing to stay and wait so that I could continue my conversation with the brooding hottie, my own doctor totally cockblocks me, exactly the opposite of what I was paying him to do.

Before I made it to the desk, the phone rang again. After another brief conversation, Molly hung up once more and looked towards the guy.

"Cliff, Dr. Brenner won't make it in either."

I looked back to see him get up, resigned. Suddenly, I felt a little more hopeful.

"Kind of weird not talking to anyone today," I said, trying to sound nonchalant, "You wanna grab a cup of coffee or something? I know we're not professionals, and we don't have to talk about our problems, or anything like that. We can just, you know, chit chat for a while."

"Oh, umm," he stammered, clearly caught off guard. He was studying the floor intently, obviously wanting to avoid looking at me directly.

Well, that answers that question, I guess. Back in the saddle for about a second and Cullen is thrown again.

"Hey, no worries," I quickly added, before he had to make up some lie of an excuse. "Dumb idea, really. I mean, we don't even know each other."

I looked back to Molly and found her suddenly all too interested in the appointment book, attempting to hide a smirk. Guess she knew something I didn't, like the name of Cliff's girlfriend. Shit, this whole gay thing was so much harder than being straight. Definitely bad for the ego. Once upon a time I never had to worry about striking out.

"Does this Friday at 2:00 work for you, Edward? Dr. Furman had a cancellation," Molly asked.

"Sure," I said, not really caring what the day and time were. Whatever it was, I would make it work. I just needed to get the hell out of there, before I died of embarrassment.

"Coffee sounds good," he suddenly said behind me. Both my and Molly's heads snapped up. I don't know which of us was more surprised. "I mean, if you still want to go," he sounded tentative again.

"Yeah," I said, trying to be as convincing as possible. "Absolutely, I still want to go."

He nodded as Molly handed me the appointment reminder card. "I just have to re-schedule my session," he said, looking to Molly to give him some options.

"Dr. Brenner has an opening Thursday at 10:30," she said. He thought about it for a few seconds, and then nodded again.

"I can do that," he said. He waited for his appointment reminder to be filled out, then took it from her and looked towards me. "Where should we go?" he asked.

I wasn't really familiar with this neighborhood, but this was Seattle, for Christ's sake. There wasn't a block in this city without some sort of a coffee establishment on it. "Why don't we just walk and see what's around?" I suggested. "Or did you drive?"

"I did, but it's no problem. I'm sure we won't be walking far. I'll just come back for my car when we're done."

We walked out of the office and waited for the elevator, keeping a reasonable distance from each other. I suddenly realized that I still had no idea if he was gay or not. Going out for a coffee wasn't exactly a strictly homosexual activity. He might be straight and just thinking I was looking to make a friend or something. Or maybe he really needed to talk to someone. I had to have some evidence more tangible than his answer to this invitation.

"So, we weren't formally introduced. I'm Edward, Edward Cullen" I said, offering him my hand. He looked down again, a little uncertain. I found his shyness incredibly attractive, especially when he looked up from beneath his thick, gorgeous lashes, as he did right then.

"I'm Cliff. Well, Clifton Berringer, I suppose, if we're going to be all formal."

He took my hand. His hand shake was as soft as his skin. It was almost as if we were holding hands, instead of shaking. Then it hit me. We were holding hands. This was no accident, no weak handshake. This was his signal. The exact signal I was looking for. I glanced at him to see him watching me cautiously. I gave him a small smile, the one that used to make all the girls swoon.

"Nice to meet you, Clifton Berringer," I said quietly.

He smiled back, tentatively at first, and then into the wide smile I saw earlier in the waiting room. He looked at our hands, still clasped together.

"Nice to meet you too, Edward Cullen," he declared.

A bell signaled the elevator's arrival. Startled, we released each other's hands and faced the doors, which slid open to reveal an empty car. We stepped on and rode down to the lobby without exchanging a word. I balled my right hand into a fist, trying to retain the warmth I felt when his hand was in mine. Strangely, as brief as it was, I found myself missing his touch, and thinking how nice it would be to feel that again.

We walked out of the elevator and out of the building. Turning to our right, I saw a Seattle's Best sign a few hundred feet down.

"Seattle's Best okay with you?" I asked, pointing with my chin.

"Sure," Cliff replied, and we walked over to the coffee shop. He ordered a cappuccino and I got the largest cup of Henry's Blend. I insisted on paying, since I threw out the invite and, thankfully, he didn't put up a fuss. It was, after all, just a cup of coffee. When our drinks were done we took them over to a small table by the window, settling in and each taking sips of coffee, before we started talking.

"So, um, Edward," he began, "do you always use your full name? Not Ed, or Eddie?"

I shuddered at the sound of the diminutives I'd loathed my entire life.

"No, it's just Edward. Sorry."

I didn't really know why I was apologizing. I had never felt the need to apologize for using my full name before. Then again, no one had ever questioned me when I introduced myself. Cliff, however, seemed to take it in stride.

"No need to be sorry. I just thought I'd ask. Personally, I always hated Clifton. It sounds so stuffy. I prefer Cliff."

Great, so now he thought I was stuffy? That was definitely not the image I wanted him to have of me.

"I suppose it wouldn't kill me if you called me Ed or Eddie," I offered, "if that's what you prefer."

He looked at me again from beneath his thick lashes and straight dark blond bangs, his lips curling up into that disarming smile.

"I prefer for you to be comfortable, Edward. But I appreciate the gesture."

He took another sip of his cappuccino and I did likewise with my coffee. Ironically, drinking the hot caffeine-laden liquid actually calmed me a bit, giving me a chance to think about what to say next.

"So what do you do, Cliff? Are you a student?"

"Yes. I'm a Junior at UW. How about you?"

"Sophomore. I'm majoring in Environmental Science and Resource Management in the college of Forest Resources."

"Wow, that's impressive. So you're an environmentalist?"

"Sure," I answered, this time with no apologies. This issue was important enough to me that he might as well know where I stood right away. If he was on the other side of the fence, there was no point in continuing the conversation anyway. "I believe in using resources responsibly and conserving the environment for future generations. If we all do our part we can stop and even reverse a lot of the damage that mankind has done over the past few centuries."

"That's great, Edward," he seemed sincere. "It's nice that you found a cause you feel so passionate about and are so committed to."

"Do you have a favorite cause?" I asked, genuinely curious, since it seemed protecting the environment was not at the top of his agenda.

He shook his head and took another swallow of his cappuccino. His smile faded again.

"It hasn't been the best year for me and causes, I'm afraid. Though, I suppose, something like that would be a useful distraction," his voice drifted off as he obviously retreated into his thoughts. I could have easily confirmed that yes, I knew damn well from personal experience, finding a cause was an excellent way to distract yourself from other problems, but I didn't really want him to think about the problems that seemed to have him so down. I wanted to keep him talking about himself, to get to know him better, fully cognizant of how unusual such behavior was for me.

"Well, you're not in the college of Forest Resources. What are you studying, then?"

"I'm a communications major, communications and journalism."

"Oh, a friend of mine is a journalism major too," I said happy to have found something in common, however insignificant. "Do you know Seth Clearwater? He's a Senior."

He looked up, and while he tried to keep it hidden, I saw a bit of fear in his eyes.

"You know Seth?" he asked. "I guess it really is a small world."

"Yeah, Seth lives right down the hall from me. Is he a friend of yours too?"

"Not exactly," Cliff hedged. "More like an acquaintance. Seth and I were in some of the same classes when we started. We spoke a few times, but I wouldn't say we were friends. And then..." his voice drifted off again. He looked like he was contemplating something. I wasn't sure what I should do, so I went back to drinking my coffee and waited. Finally, after a few minutes, he looked up at me again, unhappy but seemingly resigned.

"I wasn't planning on telling you this today, but you know Seth, and Seth knows everything about everyone. And if you were to ask him about me he'd tell you anyway, so you might as well hear it from me."

Even though I could tell by his expression and his tone of voice that what he was saying was important, I found it very hard to concentrate on anything he said after the first phrase. He wasn't planning on telling me today? That meant that he was planning on telling me some other day, right? So he wanted to see me again, right? YES! I sure as hell wanted to see him again. And this was the first time I'd felt this way about anyone since Jasper left Seattle.

Now, what else was he saying? Oh, right, he wanted to tell me something before Seth did. But that wasn't right. If he did tell me today, there might not be another time. I saw him start to speak and quickly placed my hand over his to get his attention and stop him. I felt a little jolt as I covered his hand with mine, and I could tell from his reaction that he felt it too.

"You don't have to say anything you don't want to say today, Cliff," I made sure I threw in the time reference. I wanted him to know I was aware of his implication. "I won't ask Seth about you and I won't even tell him we met, in case he wants to volunteer information without me asking. I don't want you to feel pressured to reveal things you're not ready to reveal."

No, I certainly did not want him to feel pressured. I remembered all too well what happened the last time I'd pushed for too much too soon. I wasn't about to make the same mistake again.

He looked at me with a mixture of gratitude and relief.

"Are you sure?" he asked. "It's not a secret. Many people know. I guess it's just when I meet new people, people who may not have heard yet, I prefer they get to know me first, before I share the story. But don't worry," he quickly added, "It's nothing illegal and I'm not a serial killer, or dangerous, or anything like that."

I smiled. He seemed so calm, mild mannered and nice, the thought of him doing something illegal or dangerous would have never entered my mind.

"They do say it's always the quiet ones," I mused, just to tease him a bit.

He understood, smiling and shrugging his shoulders. "I'm afraid of that, I'm guilty as charged."

We kept talking, moving on to general, neutral subjects, and Cliff started to relax. He stopped fading off at the end of every sentence, and even chuckled once or twice. It was a nice sound, and I found myself looking for patterns, trying to make him laugh again. We kept talking long after our drinks had run out, until my phone rang with Emmett's ring, and I realized that I was supposed to meet the guys at Mario's for dinner.

"I'm sorry, I have to take this," I said apologetically. He just shook his head to let me know it didn't matter.

"Hey Em," I said quickly, before he could get in a word. "I know I'm late, big guy. I got held up. I'll be there in 20, all right? Just get the usual for me and I swear I'll be there before the check arrives."

I re-assured Emmett that I was all right and hung up, frustrated that my coffee date with Cliff had to end prematurely.

"I'm sorry," I said, "I had plans tonight with Seth and his roommate, Emmett. This had been so great, I guess I lost track of time," I tried to not so subtly let him know how much I enjoyed spending time with him.

"It's OK," he reassured, "I have to get going too."

Crap! He didn't indicate one way or another how he felt about this afternoon. I knew I wanted to get together again, but I had no idea if he wanted that too. This was such a new experience for me. I didn't know what to do.

"So, um, I enjoyed our talk today. We should do this again some time." Come on, Cliff. Give me something to work with, here. Something that will tell me one way or another if you think there's something to this, too, or if I'm just imagining the connection.

"Yeah, OK," he said, "That would be fine."

It wasn't exactly the enthusiastic exuberance I was hoping for, but it was better than nothing. I pulled out my phone again.

"Give me your number. I'll call you so you'll have mine and we can call each other. Or you can call me when you're ready," I added, when I sensed his reluctance. "I swear, I won't pester you. The ball will be in your court, OK?"

He nodded and gave me his number, which I promptly dialed. I hung up when I saw my number registered on his caller ID, and watched him save it along with my name.

"You seemed in a hurry and you didn't drive, right? Can I give you a lift somewhere?" He offered. I considered my options. On the one hand, I didn't want to make him go out of his way. On the other hand, I was late, and I did want to spend a little more time with him. The other hand won out.

"Sure, if you don't mind. I'm meeting the guys at Mario's. It's on..."

"I know where it is," he interrupted. "It's actually on my way."

"Really? Well, would you like to join us, if you don't have other plans, that is?"

I was hopeful, until I saw that panicked look on his face again and remembered that I was meeting Seth.

"Oh, right, never mind. Sorry. I completely forgot. Maybe another time?"

"Maybe," he conceded.

We walked to the garage where he had parked his car and he drove me to the restaurant, getting me there well ahead of the 20 minutes I promised Emmett. He pulled over near the restaurant, but far enough not to be seen through the windows. I sighed. He clearly knew Seth well enough to realize it was better to stay out of his sight and mind.

"Thanks for the coffee, Edward," he said pleasantly.

"Sure, Cliff. Thanks for the ride,"

Again, I was on completely new ground. I had no idea what to do next. Did I just open the car door and get out? That seemed really abrupt. I decided to take a risk and leaned over to give him a rather awkward hug, made even more so by the console between us. He didn't respond at all at first, but then placed his right arm around me and patted my back, the way one might pat a distant relative one was meeting for the first time. Well, fuck! Way to go, Cullen! A swing and a miss again!

"I hope to hear from you soon?" I asked as I pulled away, feeling so damned self-conscious.

"Uh-huh," it was as non-committal of a confirmation as I've ever heard. Oh well. I'd run out of stalling methods, so I pulled open the car door and got out, shutting the door behind me. Cliff waited until I reached the sidewalk before pulling away. I ran my fingers through my hair, frustrated as all hell, but determined to keep my end of the bargain. I would not call him and I would not mention him to Seth. I would let him make the next move. I sighed and headed for the restaurant, thinking of a story that would explain why I was late without having to mention Cliff and raise Seth's suspicions.