Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Everywhere I look You're All I See

Once I made up my mind to talk to Jasper, it was hell waiting for him to return from New York. I very nearly called him, but this was not a conversation to have over the phone, so I hung up before I even finished dialing. I needed to see his face, his reaction, as I told him the things I had to say. I wanted to be sure he understood that I felt differently now, that I wanted to change, and that I finally truly realized how important he was to me and how much I needed him in my life. I wanted him to see that I was sincere and that I regretted the way I acted before. I was sure that once he heard me out and knew that I was serious, he would agree to move back and let us try again.

I knew his travel plans from when he had originally made them, and I thought it might be good to intercept him at the airport, before he even saw Seth & Emmett. I didn't know what happened between him and Emmett, why he was with another guy in New York, but I sure as hell didn't want to give Emmett any opportunities to do damage control and steal Jasper away from me again. I had to be smarter this time. I had to control the playing field better so that I had the advantage. I was pretty confident that once I got Jasper to move back, all I had to do was show him that I was committed to making changes and I wouldn't have to worry about him leaving. But as long as he was living with Seth and Emmett, I was in a vulnerable position. That simply had to change.

On the day of Jasper's return I got to the airport early, just in case. Once there, I bought a soda and a sports magazine from the newsstand kiosk and found a seat near the luggage carousels. I pretended to be interested in the magazine for pure cover. The last thing I needed was Security bothering me about loitering at the airport, asking questions or, worse, requesting that I leave. Still, as hard as I tried, I couldn't help glancing repeatedly at my watch and towards the arrivals board. Patience was never one of my virtues, and this waiting was killing me.

After about half an hour I was bored with the magazine and started looking around the terminal. I was never one to engage in people watching. In my experience people watched the Cullens, not the other way around. And as my eyes swept the terminal, sure enough, there were several girls and women surreptitiously throwing glances in my direction. I couldn't even be bothered to take a second look and determine if any of them were attractive. There was only one person I wanted to look at me with interest, and his plane hadn't landed yet.

I kept scanning and gasped when I saw a familiar figure stroll into the terminal. If that idiot midget fairy was here, ridiculously dressed in white leather and silver, like some sort of a human disco ball, could Emmett be far behind? Damn it! I should have known they would be here to meet his flight. I should have planned for this. Now everything would be ruined. There was no way I could approach him with those two by his side. Emmett would never let him listen to a word I said. And I bet only the presence of all the security people would stop him from knocking me flat on my ass. Not that I was afraid of him, but still, this was not how I wanted my reunion with Jasper to go.

I buried my face behind the open magazine to avoid being spotted and tried to think of what to do. Until I actually saw Emmett, there was some hope. I had to believe my powers of persuasion were stronger than Seth's. Besides, if I somehow intercepted Jasper as he was coming out, I might be able to lead him away before he and Seth even saw each other. I carefully looked around again, trying to find a path where we would not only avoid Seth, but also potentially Emmett, who would either be circling the terminal or coming in after he found parking. I figured if we could walk down in the direction away from Seth and used the last exit, we should be far enough away to be able to catch a cab back to the apartment. My car was in the parking garage, of course, but I could come back to get it later, along with the rest of Jasper's luggage. I wouldn't want to risk running into Emmett on our walk to the car.

Satisfied with my new approach, I looked back to Seth and my heart sank. Not wanting to believe my eyes, I looked to the Arrivals board and, sure enough, the plane carrying Jasper had already landed. It must have been in one of the nearby gates, because there was Jasper. He was standing at a far carousel, looking around, undoubtedly trying to spot the midget. Not easy to do even in his flashy outfit. If I ran I might have gotten around Seth and to Jasper, but running in an airport would create a scene that Seth was bound to notice. Fuck! The whole damn plan was ruined. Now all I could do is approach him and pray that Emmett didn't arrive before I was done with my pitch.

Jasper spotted Seth and waved, smiling and shaking his head. I got up and started walking towards him, leaping my eyes on the fairy. Suddenly I saw him start running, apparently completely unperturbed that he himself was causing a scene. I expected him to grab Jasper into a hug, but what I actually saw stopped me dead in my tracks. Seth launched himself at Jasper, jumping onto him and wrapping his legs around his waist, Jasper naturally wrapping his arms around the little fairy as if he'd done it dozens of times. And then Seth kissed him. Not a peck on the cheek or both cheeks - a full out kiss on the lips. Jasper wasn't exactly struggling. I saw him lean his head back and say something to Seth which sent the midget into a peel of laughter.

I couldn't watch anymore. I walked back to the chairs and sat down, burying my head in my hands. I'd been so certain this was going to work. And I'd gotten so close too. But to see this - to see Jasper so easy and comfortable, first with Emmett, then with the guy in New York, and now with Seth. . . I guess he'd decided that variety was the spice of life. But damn it, I didn't want to be one of many. There was no fucking way that would work. I'd been the one that's been shared before. I didn't fucking share with anyone, except Jasper. And I wasn't about to share him with a bunch of queers. God fucking damn it! I slammed my right fist into my left palm. What the hell was wrong with the universe? After a lifetime of things going my way, why the fuck the sudden reversal?

My only opportunity lost, there was no point in hanging around any longer. I was just risking getting spotted. I got up and took one last look in their direction. They were talking and walking away from the carousels and me, Seth trying to keep up with Jasper's longer stride. I turned and walked in the direction I had intended to take Jasper, the opposite of where he and Seth were heading now.

I didn't want to go back to the car yet, so instead of leaving the terminal I went over to departures. I stared at the board listing the departing flights and wondered what would happen if I just bought a ticket right now, got on one of the planes and disappeared. How long would it be before anyone missed me? Would anyone other than my mother miss me at all? It was awfully tempting to go and make myself invisible somewhere, start over, leave Edward Cullen behind. I probably had enough money to buy fake documents, even a new Social Security number, to make that possible. I didn't have enough money beyond that and the plane ticket, so I'd have to figure out how to get a job and find a place to live. Shit, that would be uncomfortable. I had no skills to speak of and I can only imagine what kind of a place I could afford on minimum wage. Besides, what would be the point? It wasn't other people I was trying to run away from, it was me. And I would still be there, no matter how I changed my appearance or what new name I decided to call myself. In the end, it was pointless. There was only one way to really run away, and I was too much of a coward to do that.

I glanced at my watch and, figuring that enough time has gone by for it to be safe to go back to my car. I turned to head for the exit and bumped into someone standing behind me.

"Sorry," I mumbled quickly, without really looking at whoever it was.

"Oh, honey, don't be sorry. I'm not. You're just too delicious. You can bump into me any time."

My head snapped up at the sound of the effeminate, but definitely masculine voice. Everything about this guy, from his clothes, to his hair, to the way he was standing, to the smell of his fucking cologne, screamed queer. Was there no getting away from these freaks anywhere?

"I have a couple of hours before my flight," he continued. "How about you?"

"Get away from me, you damn fag." I said as I stepped around him and walked away as quickly as I could. If we had been anywhere but the airport I would have shown him just how badly straight men take being propositioned by queers, but this was too public with too much security. The best thing was to walk away.

"Asshole," I heard him call behind me, followed by, "Come find me if you change your mind."

I didn't even turn around, just raised my hand and flipped him the bird as I left the terminal.

I went back to the apartment, grateful that amidst preparing my speech and getting my books for the next term over the last couple of days, I also took time to re-stock the liquor. Just for variety, I elected vodka. I slammed down two shots. Nothing drastic, certainly not enough to get me drunk. It was barely enough, in fact, to act as the sleeping aid I needed.

I took off my shoes and jacket and left them on the floor where they fell. I walked to Jasper's room and lay on his bed. I'd fallen asleep in here from time to time since he left. I didn't do it often, 'cause I didn't want to pollute the room with my scent, but even so there was less and less of him here each time I came in. Pretty soon there would be nothing left. Nothing but the furniture to remind me that he had ever lived here. I closed my eyes and breathed in deep until eventually I fell asleep.

Over the next few weeks I saw Jasper a few times in the hallways of the building. Mostly he was with either Seth or Emmett, but a couple of times he was alone and I thought about asking him to talk, explaining everything, finally delivering the speech I'd planned to give him at the airport, but I could never bring myself to do it. Before he came back there was hope. The things I'd seen since his return completely erased it.

Although we had no classes together this term, I'd taken to following Jasper when I could, in between classes and in the evenings. It wasn't always easy. I had to be very careful not to be spotted and some of the places he went to, well, I would have stuck out like a sore thumb. There was no good reason for the stalking. It was getting me nothing but pain, but I continued anyway, perhaps because seeing him made the pain worth it, or perhaps because I felt I deserved it. It seemed that even if he hadn't done it before, in this winter term Jasper was hell bent on doing all of the things I'd accused him of the night he told me he was gay. Night after night I watched him meet guy after guy in restaurants, cafes, movie theaters, and bars that clearly catered to a specific audience. Each one hurt like hell, with the only silver lining being the fact that he never went out with the same guy twice. I figured that was a good sign, as it meant he wasn't getting attached. Hell, I'd done the same thing often enough with girls to know he was only meeting a need. I even allowed myself a small hope that maybe after a while he would tire of the constant stream of guys and realize that he needed to be with me after all. I could almost picture it in my head. A knock on the door and him standing there when I opened it, telling me that he'd tried to date others but there was no one like me, and begging me to give him a second chance which, of course, I generously would. But until that image could become a reality, I was the one freezing on the sidewalk, being careful not to be too conspicuous lest I be spotted or arrested, watching him and someone else talking and laughing, while a constant ache gnawed at my very core.

When I wasn't stalking Jasper I was studying, as hard as possible. I'd been right in my assessment of the previous term. My notice of two failed classes and being placed on academic probation arrived soon after Jasper came back from New York. Since I didn't get any nasty phone calls from home, I had to assume no progress report had been sent there. Still, I knew it was time to fucking buckle down if I wanted to stay at UW, so I started taking classes seriously. To my surprise, for the first time in my life I actually started to enjoy school, especially my science courses. My father had always told me I wasn't very smart and I'd never measure up to him, and I seemingly did everything I could to meet his low expectations. Everyone knew that of the two of us, Jasper was the smart one and I was the jock. I saw no reason to upset that image by actually taking the time to learn anything. Besides, in Forks it didn't really matter how I did in school, as no one would dare to give me anything lower than a C.

Here at UW, though, I was no longer the jock and no one had any expectations of me in relation to Jasper or anyone else for that matter. And the Cullen name didn't carry any weight with the professors, as evidenced by my first term grades. I finally needed to step up and I shocked myself by being able to do just that. Even more, I was astonished at how big of a distraction from my problems schoolwork turned out to be. Whenever I got too depressed over Jasper I buried myself in my textbooks and my problems were temporarily forgotten.

Things with Jasper were getting worse, though. I noticed it was getting harder and harder to follow him or to see him at all. It was almost like he knew where I would be at all times and deliberately avoided those places. I got more paranoid and desperate. I randomly visited places where he'd been on dates before, hoping for a glimpse of him. Sometimes I'd sit by the door to the apartment, shoes and coat on, listening for sounds in the hallway, hoping to hear him leaving so I could follow a few moments later. That's what I was doing the day he set off for the cafe.

Following him, at first it seemed just like any date. He was dressed a little better, actually wearing slacks instead of jeans, and I could tell he was a little nervous. He actually hesitated at one point and I wondered if he had changed his mind, but then he just kept going. He was heading for the neighborhood cafe, which wasn't that unusual. I was prepared to see him meet some college punk and watch for a few minutes before heading back home. But when I saw the two of them embrace before walking into the cafe, I realized this was something different, and it put terror into my heart. For one, this wasn't one of the typical college boys I'd seen Jasper hook up with before. This was an older guy who carried himself with confidence and authority. There was something familiar in the way he, as if he owned the sidewalk he was standing on and everything else on the street too. Even more disturbing was the way Jasper reacted to him. I knew my best friend well enough to know that, unlike with all the other boys, he was actually impressed with this guy.

Most times when I'd watched Jasper in the past I left after a few minutes, confident that the date wasn't going anywhere serious. This time I couldn't tear myself away. I plastered myself near a doorway of an office building across the street and strained my eyes to see as much as I could of what was going on in the cafe. They sat too far from the window for me to be able to see much, but I saw them get up and I saw the guy pull Jasper into a kiss, which Jasper clearly enjoyed. Then I saw them walk over to the guy's Jaguar and I realized this man had something to offer. For the first time I found myself hoping that this would just be a one night stand, that the guy would find something lacking in Jasper, because I could already see Jasper found nothing lacking in him.

Of course, the way my luck was running, that was just so much stupid wishful thinking. This guy was not some dumb college kid who couldn't appreciate a good thing when he found it. Obviously he didn't find Jasper lacking. He grabbed onto him and held tight. So tight, in fact, that Jasper virtually disappeared. I saw him picking Jasper up a few times on campus or from the apartment building, but my circuit through Jasper's typical hangouts yielded no results. I could only conclude that they were hanging out at the guy's apartment or in places few college students ventured to. The few times that I spotted Jasper on campus during the day I noticed some changes. He started dressing differently, and he carried himself differently too. He was more confident and happier, for lack of a better word, but also more distracted, not paying nearly as much attention to is surroundings, which is why I was able to observe him so closely to begin with.

I was sick about it. Sicker than I had been before. I sat in the living room and questioned everything, especially my decision not to talk to him at the airport after I saw him with Seth. Again, I'd let my stupid pride stop me from doing what I knew I should have done. I thought he wanted to play the field, but I should have known Jasper wasn't like me. He was just looking for someone he wanted to be with, and I could have been that someone if I hadn't pushed him away and then been too stubborn to ask him to come back. And now he found someone. Someone more worthy of him. Someone who wasn't embarrassed to be seen with him. Someone who wanted him because he was gay, not despite it. Someone who was undoubtedly experienced and could offer him so much more than I could.

You should still talk to him. Fight for him. You're not a quitter, Cullen. Don't just fucking give him up.

The voice in the back of my head was relentless.

But what if he says no?

Then at least you'll know for sure. Wouldn't that be better than all this second guessing? Besides, Jasper will never say no to you. Don't even give him the option. Man up, you pussy, and fucking take what's yours. He belongs to you. He's always belonged to you. You know it and he knows it. You know all you have to do is say the word and he'll be right back in this apartment. But you have to act now. Don't give this other asshole the chance to take your place.

But what if this guy really is better for him? After all the shit I put him through, do I really deserve him, and do I want to interfere with his chance to find someone who is actually good for him? Or at least better than I am? Can I take all that away from him just because I suddenly realized what he'd known and suffered for all along? Didn't I deserve to suffer too?

Besides, it's only been a few days. He's infatuated, that's all. Older women have an allure that younger chicks just do not. Maybe it's the same with guys. Let him have some fun for a week or two and the novelty will wear off. And then I don't have to be the asshole who broke them up and I don't have to risk being rejected.

Fucking coward! All you've been doing for months is running away from risk. How far has that gotten you? For God's sake, grow a pair and say something to him, already. Before it's really too late.

My head ached as my mind kept debating with itself, but I was no closer to a decision. I was a coward, there was no doubt about that. I'd never felt this way about anyone, and putting myself out there, making myself vulnerable by laying my feelings out, open to rejection, was absolutely terrifying. The fact that the person I had those feelings for was a guy and my best friend didn't help matters, either. Why the fuck couldn't I have felt this way about a girl? I still would have hated being vulnerable, but at least I wouldn't feel like such a freak, like there was something wrong with me. But there'd never been a girl that made me feel anything at all, much less anything like what I felt for Jasper. So I had a choice to make. Say something and count on Jasper not to be as much of an asshole to me as I'd been to him, or stay silent and watch some other guy swoop him up right from under my nose. Fuck! Instead of making a call I took the easy way out and went to sleep, hoping to wake up to some sort of epiphany.

The morning brought no epiphany, but it did produce resolve. I decided I couldn't let my fear of his reaction paralyze me. It was time to tell him how I felt and hope for the best. I would wait for him after his last lecture, ask him to have a coffee with me and spill it all. Then it would be up to him.

I was nervous and agitated all day. It was hard to keep still and pay attention in my classes, though I forced myself to go to every one. I caught a brief glimpse of Jasper between his morning lectures, but didn't see him at all in the afternoon, which only contributed to my nerves further. After my last class got out I walked over to the building where I knew he had his last class for the day and slid down to sit on the floor opposite the door to his classroom. I looked at my watch every 60 seconds, each minute taking forever. With five minutes of the class to go, I got up and started pacing. Finally the doors opened and students poured out into the hallway. I glanced over their forms and faces, but saw no sign of Jasper. That didn't surprise me. He wasn't usually in a rush to leave a classroom. The students thinned into a trickle, and there was still no sign of him. Finally the professor came out, but still no Jasper. What was he doing in there? I couldn't wait any more. I walked up to the door and stuck my head in, glancing around the room. It was empty. Jasper hadn't been to class.

Instantly I felt fear. He didn't normally skip classes and I saw him on campus this morning. Did he get sick and have to go home? Was he in an accident? I could think of no benign reason why he would have gone home early when he was already here for some of his classes. I thought about calling him, but would he take my call? If he didn't, would he refuse to see me later? I decided it was better to just get back home and try to see him in person without any advanced warning.

I rushed to get back to the apartment until I came into the parking lot and saw the Jaguar in one of the visitor parking spaces. He was here. On the one hand, that bode well. It meant that whatever happened wasn't too serious and didn't require overnight hospitalization. On the other hand, he'd never done anything other than pick up Jasper here before, so that probably meant that something was wrong. And if he was here the chances of me getting to talk with Jasper were not very good. I cursed fate for foiling my plans again as I opened the door to the building lobby. The sight that greeted me there was fate's response.

Jasper was being pressed into the wall by Jag-off, as I'd started calling him. He was whispering in Jasper's ear, but the acoustics of the lobby let me hear everything as clearly as if he'd been speaking in his natural voice. I came in the middle of the conversation so all I heard was:

"...much rather spend tonight in bed with you, watching you writhe beneath me as I fill your sweet little ass with my hard cock."

A cold chill swept through me. It was one thing to consider the theoretical possibility that Jasper was fucking this man, it was another to see and hear it confirmed in person. Especially when what followed was Jasper's excited whimper followed by a question that hit me like a high caliber bullet shot at close range "There . . . There's no reason why we can't still do that after we're done here, is there?"

And then his eyes caught mine and I saw his shock realization that I'd witnessed this exchange. Jag-off followed his gaze.

"What the fuck are you looking at?" he barked.

Instantly the part of me who never took any crap from anyone was back and I had my game face on, ready to take him on if necessary.

"Two goddamn queers who ought to get a room instead of forcing other residents watch their aberrant behavior," The retort flew out of my mouth before I even had a chance to think about what I was saying.

I saw Jasper flinch and I knew I'd hurt him. I would have apologized, but Jag-off looked ready for a fight, and this was not the right time to show weakness.

Jasper wrapped his arms around the guy's waist to retrain him. I turned away. I just couldn't watch.

"Don't stoop to his level, Sweetheart," he said. "It's just some ignorant, bigoted jerk. We have some great plans for the evening. Let's not let this ruin that."

Yeah, I'd heard all about their great plans, I thought as I walked past them to the stairway. Well, they didn't have to worry about me ruining anything. It was very clear what Jasper wanted, and it wasn't me. He found himself a sugar-daddy and if that was what he was looking for, then I clearly didn't fit the bill. And fuck him, anyway. I didn't need him in my life. I'd made it these past couple of months and it was getting better, easier. I'd study, meet new people, make new friends, maybe even find a girlfriend. My mom would love that. He already did a great job avoiding me, so all I had to do is stop stalking him and I'd practically never have to see him again. It was better this way. Healthier. I wouldn't have to worry about this queer shit anymore. My stupid obsession with a guy would be over and I could go back to being a normal, straight 18-year-old guy. It was for the best. I kept telling myself the same thing over and over again as I drank myself to sleep.

I did stop stalking him after that and, therefore, stopped seeing him too. I studied even more. Not only was I caught up with all my classes and even ahead in some, I also started going through the materials from first semester, figuring I'd have to repeat the classes anyway and I might as well start now, when I had time, just in case I actually did have better things to do in the summer. I still felt like crap, so I didn't go out much beyond classes. It wasn't like there was an expiration date on making friends. I could do that later, when my disposition improved. For now, as miserable as it was being alone, it was the best I could do.

A couple of weeks after I'd seen Jag-off and Jasper in the lobby, I heard an argument down the hall. I couldn't make out what was being said, but I definitely recognized Seth and Jasper's voices. Then the door slammed and moments later I heard Emmett call "Seth, wait up." Curious and unable to stop myself, I walked up to the door as quietly as I could and pressed my ear against it to see if I could hear what was going on.

"Emmett, you know as well as I do that this is stupid. I can't put my finger on it, but the whole thing gives me the creeps. And don't try to tell me you don't feel the same." Seth's raised voice rang clear through the door.

"I know," Emmett replied, "but clearly he's not going to listen to us."

"Well, then, screw him. He had the fucking balls to imply that I was jealous of him? I wouldn't let James touch me if his cock was made of gold. Please! He thinks he's all that but I bet there's nothing there worth talking about at all. I know the type. He's clearly compensating for lack of something."

"Seth," Emmett soothed, "You know that's not what this is all about. Don't make it personal."

"He started it," Seth whined petulantly.

"He was wrong, and he didn't really mean it. He just wasn't thinking and said the said the first thing that came to his head."

"Why are you defending him? You've done everything for him and this is how he repays you? Fucking know-it-all snot nosed brat. He's been out of the closet for what, like three minutes, practically holding your hand the entire time? And now he's too smart to take our advice? Let him leave. Good riddance. We can go back to just the two of us, the way it should be. And now I'm going out. I deserve to have a little fun after all this bullshit. Come with me."

"No, Seth. I'll stay here. He's not rejecting us - he just fell in love and he's not thinking clearly. We've all made bad decisions. Sometimes we need to learn from our own mistakes. And we don't know anything for sure. Maybe this will work out for him."

"Fine, Em, whatever. You do what you need to do. I'm going out. I'll see you tomorrow."

I waited, but didn't hear anything else, so I walked back to the living room. So Jag-off's name was James and Jasper was in love with him and was moving in with him, apparently against Seth and Emmett's advice. I felt sick again. I thought I was over it, past it, but this news felt like another strong punch in the gut. How important could I have been to him if only weeks after meeting this guy Jasper was so in love he was ready to move in with him? I thought I knew what losing him felt like, but there must have always been some shred of hope left, some expectation that he would never be able to truly move on, that was now struck down completely. My Jasper was gone. He was James' Jasper now.

The movers came for his stuff the next day. I watched them load up the van in just a couple of trips with his few possessions. Then the van pulled away, and with it any fantasy that he might have a change of heart. For the first time in the term I didn't go to class. I just sat and stared out the window and wondered how I could have been stupid enough to push away the only person I ever really cared about and then, time and time again, been too cowardly to tell him how I really felt, until it was too late.

This time I didn't allow myself more than 1 day to wallow. I had no choice. I had to keep up with school this term or I wouldn't be around the next one. And if I flunked out there was no telling what my father would do. He might pay for another school but, then again, he might not. Without his money my only choices were to go back to Forks, a fate worse than death, as far as I was concerned, or stay in Seattle and try to find a job with no experience and education that would somehow pay enough to cover rent, food and utilities. Forget comforts and luxuries. Flunking out meant potentially being forced to live in a way I didn't even want to contemplate, so it wasn't an option. Which mean that I had to go to class; had to somehow deal with my personal shit in a way that didn't interfere with that aspect of my life.

Outside of class I started to venture out of the apartment more. Now that Jasper was with James, I figured I didn't have to worry about seeing him in the neighborhood, so I resumed rounds at the Blue Eyed Dog and my other favorite watering holes. I thought about my grand plan to make new friends, but fuck, I had no clue how to actually do that. In Forks guys just flocked to me because of who I was. Everyone wanted to be friends with Edward Cullen. Jasper was about the only person who didn't approach me wanting to be friends, and it's not like it was hard to convince him, with those assholes Sam & Paul all ready to kick the shit out of him if he refused. And if I really thought about it, Jasper had been my only real friend. All the other jerks just came along to ride the Cullen coattails. I didn't give a shit about them and they didn't give a shit about me. It wasn't like I would ever confide in any of them or let them confide in me. So what the hell did I really know about making friends, especially here, in Seattle, where I had nothing to offer anyone except maybe slightly deeper pockets than most other students?

So that part of the plan wasn't exactly working, though I found some regular guys to play pool with and regular guys to drink and watch sports with. They weren't friends. In fact, most of the time I couldn't even remember their names, if I ever knew them to begin with, but hanging out with them helped pass the time.

A couple of weeks after Jasper moved out, his mom started calling. I ignored the messages on the voice mail, figuring sooner or later Jasper would call her and she'd stop. But that didn't happen. Instead, she started calling my cell. Not having any clue what to say to her, I ignored those calls too, until my mother called me out on it. Apparently Mrs. Barnes contacted her to see what was up with me and Jasper because she hadn't heard from him in a while and I hadn't been picking up her calls either. I evaded my mom's questions about Jasper, telling her I had no idea why he wasn't calling home and explaining that I hadn't taken Mrs. Barnes' calls because I had nothing to tell her. More than once I had been tempted to answer her calls and tell her that her son was shacking up with his new sugar-daddy, but some bizarre remaining sense of loyalty stopped me. still, after she spoke with my mom I could no longer ignore her calls, so I had to keep making up excuses. No, Jasper wasn't home. School was keeping him very busy. He spent a lot of time in the library and probably turned off his mobile. Yes, I had passed on the messages. No, I had no idea why he hadn't called.

Finally, unable to listen to any more about how she and Kimmie missed Jasper, I bought a pay as you go mobile phone and gave Mrs. Barnes the number. I figured she could just concentrate her energies on leaving messages on that thing, which I gave to Emmett and Seth with instructions for them to pass it on to Jasper, along with her previous messages.

In the meantime I started looking at girls again, hoping that if I couldn't make any guy friends, at the very least I could score a girlfriend. After all, I'd never had any problems lining up girls. For some reason, though, it was more difficult now than it had ever been for me to get into the process. I checked out scores of girls at the bars, but found none of them appealing. Some of them, girls that I would have eagerly taken home to fuck a few months earlier, I found downright repulsive now. Other girls, that looked like they might be worth getting to know, still didn't inspire any reaction other than passing interest. It was as if the door to my apartment operated like an "off" switch for my dick. Inside the apartment, in bed or in the shower, I could get myself off easily enough, especially if I let myself think about Jasper, which I tried really hard to avoid at all costs. Outside the apartment my cock stayed down no matter how many girls I checked out and no matter what they looked like. This was not something I had ever experienced before, and I fucking hated it. But short of stroking myself in public, I just couldn't get anything going. Which wasn't a problem, I supposed, because it wasn't like I would have to fuck any of these girls in public. Still, my cock had always served as a sort of barometer, and now I had nothing but my eyes to go on, and to them one girl was as good or as bad as the next.

Finally, after a couple of weeks of watching, I spotted a chick who seemed both pleasant and attractive. She'd been at the Dog a few times with some friends and tended to stay in the background next to her flashier and louder companions. She didn't drink too much, certainly not enough to be as obnoxious as some of the bitches she came in with. Even more importantly, she didn't seem to talk much, though she seemed like a good listener. She had long, strawberry blond hair that was pulled back off her forehead with some sort of a fastener, but otherwise fell in waves around her delicate, heart-shaped face and onto her shoulders. Her light pink lips, small nose, and blue eyes were perfectly proportioned and she usually sported a pretty flush, which seemed more natural than generated by make-up. One evening, as she hung back while her friends were flirting with a bunch of frat boy, I decided to make my move.

"Hello, my name is Edward Cullen," I introduced myself quietly enough not to attract the attention of the other girls, flashing her my trademark crooked smile. "I've seen you here before, and really would like to get to know you better."

She flushed more than usual and smiled, but said nothing more than a soft, "Hi."

"Maybe we could start with your name?" I prompted, leaning towards her with my arm resting on the bar next to her so that our forearms brushed against one another.

"Genevieve," she said, "but most people just call me Gen."

"Genevieve," I repeated slowly, in a sexy drawl. "That's a beautiful name. Very fitting."

She smiled and looked down at her lap. The she raised her eyes to me again. "I like Edward too. It sounds very . . . I don't know . . . Regal."

She flushed again and looked away.

"Regal, huh?" I prompted. "Well, if you'd like to be my princess, I could be talked into being your prince charming."

She giggled quietly. It was a pleasant enough sound. She was a pleasant enough girl. And I was bored as shit. Then again, I had nothing better to do and this was exactly the kind of chick my mother would love for me to bring home.

"So, what are you studying, Genevieve?"

We continued to make small talk, discussing one inane subject after another. A few minutes later I suggested that she join me at a table in the back of the bar, away from her friends, and, after a moment's hesitation, she agreed. We kept talking, though it took all of my effort to maintain my charming demeanor instead of breaking out into yawns. It wasn’t that the girl was stupid or couldn't carry a conversation; it was just that I found myself supremely uninterested and my attention kept wandering. That was how I noticed a little black tornado called Alice rapidly approaching our table as if on a fucking mission? I cringed silently, but gave no outward sign of emotion or recognition.

"Hello, Edward," she said and slid onto an open stool at our table. "How nice to see you tonight. And who's this tasty little morsel you caught us this evening?"

I stared at her, shocked. Fortunately Genevieve did not notice as her expression mirrored my own and she appeared incapable of taking her eyes off Alice.

"Go away, Alice," I growled as I shook myself out of my stupor.

"Whatever for, baby, when in a couple of hours or however long it takes you to reel this pretty little fish in, I will be joining you at your apartment so that we can both thoroughly enjoy her?"

Genevieve's lips formed a perfect shocked "O".

"Don't listen to her, Genevieve," I requested. "Alice just likes to mess with people. She's into multiple guys, not girls. Ask anyone in this bar."

Alice flashed me an evil look and then turned to Genevieve, who looked like a fish caught out of water. "That's right, Genevieve," Alice pronounced the name with distaste. "Go ahead and ask anyone in this bar. And while you're at it, ask how big of a man-whore this asshole is. Trust me, honey, with or without me in the mix he only had one intention tonight, and that is to thoroughly screw you and move on to someone else tomorrow. Now, you may be into that sort of thing, but by the looks of you I doubt it. So do yourself a favor and scram back to wherever he initially cast his net. And if you're looking for a date, find another place. None of these assholes here are what you want."

Without a word, Genevieve slipped off her stool and ran back to her friends. I scowled at Alice, pissed that my entire evening's investment just went down the fucking drain.

"What the fuck did you do that for, Alice? Who the hell are you? Some sort of personal demon sent by Satan to torment me for the rest of my days?"

"Well, you think pretty highly of yourself if you think Satan would find you worthy of sending a personal demon after you. Sorry, Eddie. Wrong guess. And I wasn't trying to hurt you, you dumb son-of-a-bitch. I was trying to save you and that poor little twit you were busy seducing a lot of pain.

"Next time don't bother. Any sort of pain with her would have been worth not having to deal with you. And trust me, she would not have been in any pain either."

"Really, Edward? You think she looks like the kind of girl who would be OK if her boyfriend fucked her and his best friend? Or, worse yet, just his best friend? 'Cause I sure as fuck don't think so. And as for you, do you really need to traumatize her and yourself by taking her back to your place only to find out that you can't get it up when you finally both get naked?"

"Shut the hell up, Alice. You don't know shit about me. I've never had a problem getting it up . . ."

"Really, Edward?" her eyes pierced through me and I swore she could clearly see I was lying. "I've been watching you. You've been coming here for weeks and not once left with a girl. You. The horn dog of this bar before the night we met. How is it possible that a guy who used to take home a different girl every night, sometimes two, suddenly hasn't taken a woman home in weeks? Is that a coincidence, Ed, or did those pamphlets I dropped off for you give you something to think about?"

"It was you? You gave me that shit? I didn't read any of them," I lied.

"No? How unfortunate for you. You could have actually learned something. Maybe if you'd open up some of those pamphlets you'd get a little insight into what's eating you and be able to actually eat something yourself. Have you looked at yourself lately? You look fucking awful! I guess all that self-denial doesn't leave much time for meal, huh? But regardless, it doesn't change the fact that taking that girl home tonight would not have done you any good. There's only one way you're gonna figure out who you really are and that's to take home and fuck a Goddamn boy."

I could no longer contain the fury I felt. Every time I came across this bitch I came closer and closer to strangling her just to avoid having to ever hear her ridiculous speculations again.

"Listen to me, you inked up little whore, stay the hell away from me and out of my business. You may think you know me, but you don't know crap. If you know what's good for you, you'll walk away now and leave me the fuck alone. Tonight and forever."

Alice looked at me for a long moment. Then she smiled a wicked smile. "I've said all I ever intended to say, so I'll go. But you're wrong about one thing. I do know crap. In fact, I'm talking to a piece of crap right now. And I do need to go, before the stench gets the better of me."

She slid off the stool and walked away. I stared after her, wishing looks really could kill. I'd thought after our last run in we had struck some sort of a truce, but the bitch clearly had it in for me. I couldn't believe she had been the one to drop off all that queer shit. She wanted to mess with my head, and for a while she'd succeeded, but I was damned if I was going to let a little cunt like her put ideas in my head. I wasn't gay. I wasn't bi. There was only one guy that had ever interested me, and now that he was out of the picture I was just the same as I'd ever been. Maybe I didn't fuck as many girls, but so what? Everyone was entitled to a slow down every now and then.

I looked over at Genevieve and saw her whispering with her girlfriends, throwing furtive glances in my direction. What a fucking nightmare! I decided the Dog had been burned for me for the night, so there was no point in staying. I went over to the bar, settled my tab and headed home.

About halfway there I heard a voice calling my name. Unfortunately, the voice was altogether too familiar. Nevertheless, I stopped and slowly turned around, giving her a chance to catch up.

"I thought we were fucking done?" I nearly spat at her as she advanced towards me.

"We were. Or at least I'd like to be. Done with the hostility anyway." Alice's voice was calmer and carried none of the sarcasm and venom of earlier. "Look, clearly we're like oil and water - not a good mix. But I want you to know, I'm really not trying to hurt you. I guess I see something in you that maybe you don't even see yourself. And maybe I'm pushing you too much. But look, society has these norms and they're fine for most people, but that doesn't mean that those of us who may not fit are freaks of nature or that there's anything wrong with us. I like to fuck more than one guy at the same time. So what? And if you want to fuck boys and girls, or just boys, what the hell is wrong with that? It's okay. It's who we are. You can go through life pretending to conform, pretending that you fit the mold, but what will that get you except a lifetime of unhappiness and dissatisfaction?"

I was still pissed at her, but listening to her speak so calmly and almost rationally, much of the anger was ebbing away.

"I had a feeling that after tonight you'd be staying away from the Dog for a while, and I can understand that. But Edward, don't go around fucking a bunch of different women, especially innocent girls like the one you were with tonight, just to prove to yourself and God knows who else that you're a straight guy. That won't do any of you any good. If you really want to fuck them, then fuck them. And if that's really what you were doing tonight then I'm sorry I screwed it up for you. But don't do it just to make a point."

I just kept staring at her. I could see she was being genuine, but I had no idea what to say.

"Look, I know you don't think of me as a friend, and fuck knows I don't consider myself a friend to many people, but if you ever need someone to talk to, about anything, really, but especially about this stuff, I'm at the Dog pretty regularly, and if I'm not, Walt knows how to reach me. OK?"

I nodded at her curtly and turned around again. I probably should have thanked her or something, but I wasn't sure the words would get past my throat. I could see she was trying to be helpful, but she didn't know me like she thought she did, and listening to her was only going to confuse me. Silently, I continued my walk home, trying to ignore the guilt I felt at leaving her alone on the sidewalk without even a courtesy of a response or a goodbye.

Even though I tried not to let the things she said get to me, after the run in with Alice I once again started avoiding not just the Dog, but all bars. I knew this time around I wasn't just looking for someone to fuck, but I still felt like what I was trying to do was somehow wrong. It was easier to just stay home and avoid interaction with other people altogether.

Of course, staying home also meant listening to Mrs. Barnes' messages. For a while she stopped calling me and I thought that was the end of it, but a couple of weeks after I gave her the new number she started calling again. One day she called and told me that if she didn't hear back from Jasper by the end of the week, she was coming out to Seattle the following weekend and would camp out at the apartment until she saw him. I did the only thing I could do. I told her again that I'd relay the message to Jasper and I headed back for Seth and Emmett's. The fags claimed not to know where Jasper was and not to have had any contact with him in weeks, but I knew that was a lie. For some stupid reason they found it easier to pretend they didn't know where he was than to tell me that they just wouldn't share the information.

"Whatever," I told them. "We all know Jasper is happy as all fuck living with his new boyfriend and I really do not care. Just give him the damn message and tell him to call his Goddamn mother, because once she gets here it's gonna be pretty clear that he's not living with me anymore. And since I have no idea where the fuck he is, who do you two think I'm gonna sic her on when she arrives?"

"We'll give him the message if we see him," Emmett said. "But we really don't..."

I held up my hand to stop him. "Like I said, I don't really care," I repeated, turned around and walked back to my apartment.

The next day after classes were over I came home as usual and started on my reading. Sometime later I heard a knock at the door. Puzzled, because no one I could think of would ever come to see me at my apartment, I got up to open the door. I was really taken aback at the sight in front of me. Emmett stood there holding someone in his arms. I couldn't have been more surprised if my visitor had been fucking Santa with all the reindeer and elves in tow.

"What the fuck do you want, Emmett?" I snapped, annoyed at having been disturbed for this. "Did you finally find a little fairy to take as your bride? You're at the wrong threshold. Your apartment's down the hall."

"Cut the crap, Cullen. We need your help. And the fact that I'm asking you should tell you how serious this is."

I looked at his face for a second, wondering why the fuck he would ever come to me for help. Then I looked more closely at the person he had in his arms, and my heart dropped to my stomach in sudden recognition and fear.

"Jasper? What the fuck happened?"

Author's Note: The opinions that Edward expressed in this chapter and story are his own - they do not reflect the opinions of the author. The chapter title and mood come, once again, from the song "Something I Can Never Have" by Nine Inch Nails. As always, your thoughts and comments are much appreciated.