Chapter 40

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Chapter 40: Everything will Change

After my restless night before the wedding, and the emotional rollercoaster of the wedding itself, my body must have been completely spent, because I slept like a rock and had no dreams that I could remember when I woke up. I was almost disappointed, having anticipated some gorgeous fantasy-like dreams now that I'd finally re-established contact with Jasper. Then I reminded myself that I didn't need fantasies. I had Jasper now. I would soon be seeing him in person, and that was better than any dream.

Although it was tempting to stay in bed and ponder how the rest of the day would go, I didn't have the luxury of time. I wanted to make sure I was showered, dressed and ready to check out in time to make it to the Sorrento to pick up Jasper at the appointed hour. There was no way I was going to be late for that meeting. In fact, I wanted to show up early, even if it meant sitting and waiting around in the lobby on the off chance that he might come down early too. I wanted to take advantage of every minute he was willing to give me.

Before I did anything else, I called Martin's to reserve a table. Since Garrett and Seth were valued regulars, I shamelessly used their names to make sure we'd get the best service. This was too important an occasion for me not to do everything in my power to make sure Jasper felt comfortable and special.

Once the reservation was taken care of, I jumped into the shower. It took only a second to decide that the extra few minutes it would take for me to jack off would be more than worth it if they helped me avoid any inopportune reactions later. Whatever hopes I had for our relationship in the future, I certainly knew from the way Jasper acted at the reception that he was barely ready to accept my friendship. Even a hint of any romantic or sexual overtures might scare him off again, so I needed to make damn sure there was none of that at the brunch. If a morning jerk kept me from having to noticeably adjust myself later in my skinny jeans, then it wasn't so much a luxury as a necessity.

Since time was truly short, I took care of myself with as much speed and efficiency as possible. My job was made easier by the fact that this time I had a recent visualization of Jasper. All I had to do was close my eyes and I could clearly see his face, his eyes, nose, cheekbones, dimples, lips, chin, neck... I didn't even need a fantasy to go with it. Thinking about having him within arm's reach, so beautiful and smoldering with sex appeal, was enough. In no time at all I was shuddering against the cold tiles, the shower water presumably carrying rivulets of my ejaculate down the drain, though I didn't see this, preferring the image I had of him behind closed eyes while I finished washing up.

As I dried off, first my body then my hair, taking care to style it as much as I could, I wondered what he was doing at that moment. Was he getting ready too? Had he bothered to bring his favorite shampoo and other toiletries, or did he elect to rely on the stuff provided by the hotel? What would he be wearing? My own jeans and olive crew neck tee seemed nowhere near good enough for the occasion. I cursed myself for not having enough foresight to pack with the possibility of seeing him the day after the wedding in mind. Although in retrospect it would have been logical to consider this, when it came to me and Jasper logic pretty much went right out the window, so I never did. Left with a less than optimal outfit and no time to either go back home or go shopping, I consoled myself with the thought that maybe being so casual would help lower the pressure. After all, this was supposed to be a spontaneously arranged meeting between two former friends, not a date or a fashion show. The only goal, for now, was to put him at ease and keep him interested in maintaining contact after he went back east.

When I was done getting ready I looked at my phone, which had been chirping with texts all morning. There was one from Seth & Garrett, wishing me luck at the brunch. That one made me smile. It also made me want to call Seth to ask him how he thought it would go, but I resisted the urge. I knew the plan was for the two of them to have breakfast in their suite with Emmett and Nasir, and then lunch with the whole family, and I didn't need to interrupt their preparations. Besides, as much as I would have liked to have Seth's insight, there was something exciting about the butterflies in my stomach feeling of going into the meeting without any preconceptions. Seth wouldn't always be there to guide my way, and this was as good a time as any to stand or fall on my own.

The other texts were from Roger, Troy and Maggie. I returned Maggie's text first, telling her about the brunch and letting her know I'd call her later. Judging by my watch and the change in time zones, the funeral had already started, so I knew she would be busy for the remainder of the day. Roger was next, my reply text telling him I was meeting Jasper for brunch and that it was still early in the game, but I was giving it all I had. I knew that would make him smile. I texted Troy last, assuring him that everything was fine and promising to call later. I most definitely wanted to talk to him in person and thank him for inspiring me to keep going even when things seemed hopeless the previous day.

Done texting, I packed up all my stuff and headed downstairs, where I checked out and picked up my car from the valet. Mere minutes later I was handing my keys to yet another parking attendant. With a start, I realized that this was the first time I'd driven to the hotel or arrived during daylight. On all previous occasions, I and Simon, or whichever other trick was with me, had simply walked over from the club. The thought made me uncomfortable, as did the realization that some of the staff might recognize me from previous visits. Even worse was the possibility, albeit remote, of running into someone I'd fucked, he presumably leaving after a night of carnal pursuits with someone else. For a moment I stood just outside the lobby doors, paralyzed with fear. Then the more rational side of me took over and I walked in, silently ridiculing my paranoia. But while I managed to conquer the phobia, a residual discomfort remained even as I settled in to wait.

Jasper was prompt, even a few minutes early. Seeing him step out of the elevator instantly made all thoughts of other men disappear. Fuck, it made all thoughts of anyone and anything else disappear. There was just him, and without even realizing it, I held my breath as my eyes feasted. He was dressed only slightly less casually than me, wearing faded blue jeans and a five button, open, dark gray vest over a dark blue short sleeved Henley shirt, open at the neck. He spotted me when I rose from my chair to greet him and turned to walk in my direction. He had a small, slightly uncomfortable smile on his face. His eyes, more intense in hue due to the reflection of his shirt, were filled with caution. I forced myself to smile in an effort to put him more at ease, but his obvious hesitation rattled me. I wondered if he was having second thoughts.

"Hey, Jasper," I said, trying to sound casual despite the lump suddenly forming in my throat. "Hope you slept well."

If I had been meeting one of my other friends, I would have pulled him into a tight hug. Jasper, however, kept more than an arm's length distance between us, undoubtedly in an effort to discourage exactly that type of a reaction, so I followed his lead and stayed back, making no move to touch him.

"Morning, Edward. I slept great, thanks, but now I'm starving. My stomach doesn't get the change in time zones and it's screaming at me that it's way past lunchtime."

"Oh," I said, mentally kicking myself for forgetting he'd be dealing with jet lag. "Martin's isn't too far so I thought we'd walk, but I can get my car from the valet and get us there even faster."

He thought about it for all of a few seconds.

"No, that's all right. Let's walk. That's more my speed these days anyway, and a few minutes' delay isn't going to make much of a difference at this point."

His smile magically transformed into a completely genuine one, sending a wave of warmth and excitement through me. He looked at me expectantly.

"I don't really know where we're going, so you have to lead the way," he pointed out.

"Oh, right," I was downright flustered. I couldn't remember the last time I'd been this nervous around anyone, if ever. I turned and walked out of the hotel, but not before I saw his smile turn into a knowing smirk. With anyone else I probably would have been annoyed, but the smirk was accompanied by a reduction in his wariness, and I figured the more comfortable he felt around me the better. Not to mention that a self-confident, smirking Jasper was sexy as all hell. Yeah, I didn't mind him smirking at me at all.

We walked out of the hotel together. We weren't touching, but pretty damn close. Close enough for me, for now, anyway. Jasper looked more relaxed, and that kept my smile in place. For a while we walked up Madison Street without speaking, Jasper looking around and taking in the neighborhood. There weren't a lot of people out and about, but those who were, mostly men, gave us more than passing glances. We passed one top I knew from the club, a nameless guy who always seemed happy to pick up my rejects, and he in particular looked Jasper over appreciatively. I narrowed my eyes, but resisted the urge to pull Jasper closer and put my arm around him to signal to others that he was taken. I didn't think he'd appreciate it, especially since it wasn't yet true. All the same, I gave the top a hard look, knowing he wouldn't mistake my meaning. Not wanting to get on my bad side, he lifted his hand up slightly as a backing off sign and kept walking. Thankfully, all this happened out of Jasper's line of sight.

"It's strange to be back in Seattle, and especially here," he finally commented. "I mean, I used to live here, yet I don't know this part of the city at all," he laughed. "When people find out I lived in Seattle they always ask me how I liked Capitol Hill, and I never have anything to say."

"I don't spend a lot of time around here either. I drive into the city from time to time, but I don't make it a habit, and more than half the time I'm at Seth's or Emmett's."

"Emmett said yesterday that you have a house in the suburbs?" Jasper asked, unable to keep the curiosity and surprise out of his voice. "I would have thought living around here would be more your style."

I shrugged, hoping his was more of a comment on the fact that I was gay and single than on how I behaved back when he knew me.

"I guess technically I live in the suburbs, but it's not exactly as cookie cutter as it sounds. It's mostly for the commute. Even from Covington, the mountain isn't exactly around the corner, but it's a hell of a lot closer than it is from here. But I don't live in the heart of the suburbs, either. There is a lake and a mostly undeveloped wooded area by my house. It's only thirty minutes out of downtown, but it almost feels like the country. It's peaceful and serene. I can sit on my back porch and just feast on nature."

I looked over at him, my smile now sheepish. I knew sometimes people thought I was ridiculous when I talked about how much I loved the natural surroundings of my house, and I was sure he, a Manhattanite, would be especially prone to that kind of thinking. The way he was looking at me, though, with an intense interest and no hint of the dismissive derision I might have expected, was refreshing and sent another wave of tingles through me.

"You always liked nature," he commented. "But I guess towards the end, Freshman year, your interest seemed to shift elsewhere. I never imagined you'd return to that, or make a career of it."

We reached 14th Avenue and I directed him to take the sharp right turn to walk the half-block to the restaurant. I gave the host my name and he led us to the table. I suggested we review the menu and place our orders first, so that the our food would arrive as quickly as possible, and Jasper seemed appreciative. Only after Ryan, the cute utilikit clad waiter, sauntered away with our order, did we resume our conversation.

"I wish I could tell you that the person you thought you knew at the end of high school and the beginning of college wasn't me," I expressed my biggest desire. "That would make things so much easier. Better yet, I wish I could go back in time and do it all over again. There are so many things I regret and would want to do differently."

"We all have regrets. It's just part of life." Jasper mused quietly. He stared down at the table and played with his flatware. I was almost glad. It was easier to talk about some of these things without having to look him in the eye.

"I think I have more than most," I confessed. "Deservedly so. Some of the things I did were just the result of being young and stupid, but there were others that I damn well knew were wrong even as I was doing them, and I only did them to impress my father, or at least to avoid disappointing him, the bastard. I was confused for a long time, but even after that confusion lifted I was too much of a coward to stand up to him. He'd filled me with so many lies and so much hatred, it was hard to set those aside. Not that I'm trying to avoid responsibility for what I did," I added, because I didn't want him to think I was talking the easy way out.

"We don't have to talk about this, Edward," he said, looking up at me through strands of hair that had fallen over his face, which he promptly pulled back behind his ear with a huff of annoyance. "You don't owe me any explanations."

"I'll stop if you want me to," I said, doing a poor job of hiding my disappointment. "But I would like to explain. I want you to know for sure that I am different now than I was then, and why. I don't want to speak for you, but I think it would be hard for you to consider friendship with me going forward if I was still the same person I was before."

"Yes," he agreed with an incline of the head. "That would be hard, if not impossible. But just based on our talk last night I already see that you've changed. You don't have to make yourself miserable by re-living the past. We could just pretend all that stuff never happened. Start over, as if we'd just met."

I pondered his words. He'd made a tempting offer. It would be so great to put all the pain behind us, lock it all in a box never to be opened or talked about again. This would be the way for us to have that fresh start that I didn't think was possible. All I had to do was agree. But as much as I wanted for us to move forward and for him to see me in a new, different light, I didn't want to throw our entire past away. There were too many good things mixed up with the bad, good things that I wanted to hold onto. I only hoped it was the same for him.

"As ideal as that sounds, I don't think I could put our entire history out of my mind. And I wouldn't want to. I know some of the memories are painful, excruciating even, but others are so great! I know it's cliché, but I don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. I'd rather just tell you what happened, if that's okay with you."

I stared at him as he considered his response. It gave me a chance to notice more details, like the fact that his Henley did not have a snap closure, as I originally thought, but eyelets on each side, with no tie to keep it closed. I liked the way the flaps spread open, giving me a perfect view of his Adam’s apple and a glimpse of his chest, below. I only wished the opening was bigger. I might have kept staring at him forever, if our waiter didn't return with our drinks, promising to be back with the food shortly.

"Okay," Jasper said after Ryan left. "If you're sure you want to tell me, of course I'll listen. But..."

He didn't even have to finish his sentence. All at once I understood his reluctance. He'd told me the previous night that he was uncomfortable discussing personal history. Now that I wanted to tell him about what happened to me, he probably thought I'd expect the same in return.

"That's all I ask," I hastened to assured him. "That you listen. You don't have to tell me anything yourself, or even comment on what I'm saying. I just want you to know what happened."

"All right," Jasper nodded. We both saw Ryan coming with the food.

"This is perfect," I said when he was gone. "You eat and I'll talk."

"You should eat too," he pointed out. "It's almost noon."

"I'll be fine," I waived him off. "This is more important. But you start, please."

He eyed me skeptically, but then picked up his fork and began eating his breakfast. I took a gulp of coffee to gather my thoughts, then started my story.

"You know a little about my father. He was never open minded, and he had a low opinion of just about everyone but himself. He was better in public, around other people, and fortunately he wasn't home much when you were around, so you never got the full brunt of his personality, but if you could only hear him spewing his hate at everything and everyone. . . He was awful. That's what I grew up with. That's what I thought I had to do to make him proud, so that he'd love me. I was just a kid. I didn't realize that nothing I did would ever be good enough."

Jasper was listening with rapt attention even as he ate, nodding on occasion when what I was telling him squared up with what he already knew.

"Because of who my father was and who my grandfather had been, we were Forks royalty. Everyone always did what we wanted. The adults did what I wanted, even when I was just a little kid, because they knew how vengeful my father could be if they didn't. And they taught their kids to act the same way. I never knew what it was like not to have everyone catering to my every whim, not to have everyone afraid of displeasing me. You were literally the first person who didn't know who I was or who my father was when you met me.

"It didn't stop me from doing everything you ever wanted me to do," Jasper said with a slight hint of bitterness, though I wasn't sure if it was directed towards me or himself.

"No," I conceded. "But you were the first person who hung out with me because you liked me, not because you were told to. You were the only true friend I ever had."

Jasper lowered the forkful of food that had been on the way up to his lips.

"Edward," he began, sounding as though he were going to protest, which was the last thing I wanted.

"It's true," I continued before he could speak. "But I didn't know it at the time, not in those terms. I didn't appreciate it the way I can now. And that's why, even though you were different, I still treated you the way I treated everyone else. It was the only way I knew how to be."

"But you did act differently with me than with everyone else," he broke in. "I mean, yes, you bossed me around and told me what to do and expected me to fall in line, especially when we were around other people, but when it was just the two of us you weren't always like that. Sometimes you were really kind and thoughtful and sweet. I don't think I could have ever fallen in love with you if you hadn't been," as soon as the words were out of his mouth a shadow crossed his face and he looked away from me. I didn't have to be a mind reader to know he was berating himself for saying anything, for remembering old emotions. As much as I rejoiced that those memories were still there, I hated that I was causing him pain and anxiety, maybe even resurrecting his fears. But there really was no way to have this discussion without at least acknowledging the way we both felt back then, even if he may have left them in the past.

"Being alone with you was different for me," I acknowledged. "It was the only time I could let down my guard a little and not be this person that my father expected me to be. There were times when I dreamed about running away with you. I fantasized about taking all that camping gear we bought for the back yard and going off into the wilderness, just the two of us, not having to answer to my father or any other adult, for that matter. Just you and me. But then I brought it up once, remember?" I wanted him to remember, but I knew it was a long shot. It was just one conversation out of thousands, and for him it didn't hold the same significance as it did for me. He managed to surprise me.

"I remember it very well. I also remember all my fears from that night we camped out in your back yard coming back an being multiplied a thousand fold, and as much as I wanted to be alone with you out there, I knew I'd never be able to do it. And I didn't want you to see how much of a coward I still was while you were so brave. I remember I gave you every excuse I could think of: food, bugs, injuries, predators. I begged you not to make us go out there."

There was a small smile on his face as he recalled the events. I could see how looking back it might seem amusing to him, but it would never be a fond memory for me. Back then, seeing the terror in his eyes at the mere suggestion of my plan, I knew I could never make him go with me, but I was heartbroken at the realization that my fantasy would never come true. Looking back, what stood out starkly was his pleading, a reminder of how hard it had always been for him to deny me anything. If I had insisted, terrified as he was, he probably would have followed me out into the forest anyway. I didn't take advantage of his devotion on that occasion, but I sure did plenty of other times. It wasn't easy to face what a rotten, manipulative bastard I had been with him much too frequently.

"Well, we never did run away, and then we started high school and my father started harping about girls, and things between us changed. I had no choice. If I wanted to live up to my father's expectations, I had to be this stud. I never let anyone know, of course, but I hated it. I was so jealous of you. Your parents had no expectations and even if they had, you would have been able to tell them no. You talked you way out of the whole dating thing. It was yet another thing we didn't share. There were more and more of them, and I could feel you slipping away from me."

"I always saw it as the other way around," he said quietly. "You found things that you enjoyed more than being with me and I was just trying to compensate for the loss. Not that I blamed you. It was normal to want to be with girls. I was the strange one. It took me a while to realize that the reason I had no interest in girls was because I was attracted to boys, and especially to you. It terrified and disgusted me. I stayed away from you as much as I could. I was so worried that you'd see it somehow, and that you'd be disgusted with me too. All those schedule changes I had to arrange just to make sure we didn't have gym together. . ."

"Ah!" I remembered wondering about that back when we were still in school, but I hadn't thought about it since. I should have realized the explanation was this simple.

"Can I ask you a question?" he was uncomfortable and hesitant.

"Of course," I assured him. "Anything."

"Why Bella? I mean, there were so many other girls, some nicer than others, but she was by far the worst of them all. She hated me from the start, you had to know that, and yet still, she was the one you chose to be with. Why? Was it just that she was new? Or that her father was the police chief? Or the forbidden fruit thing? Why?" he repeated it in a way that made it clear it still bothered him. I hung my head in shame. The whole Bella situation had been such a mistake.

"I knew you two didn't like each other, but frankly, I didn't think it mattered. My needs were more important and I thought I'd kept her in line. As to why her? Well, I just got tired of having to perform all the time. I didn't want to be with a different girl every week anymore. And she was the best alternative for my purposes. It's obvious now why I never enjoyed having sex with all those girls, but back then I would have never been able to recognize that for what it was. So when Bella drew that line in the sand, it was a relief. The other stuff we did wasn't as bad. And even though she was nasty and really got in my head when we were alone, especially about you, I knew publicly she'd be too worried about losing her status to complain about anything we did or didn't do.

"I never imagined she'd end up cheating, but looking back I can't even say I'm sorry about that, because if it wasn't for that night you and I would have never... Well, that was what set off the entire chain of events that ended with me finally coming to terms with who I was, that I was gay. So as much as I hate what happened with her and how it happened, in the end, if it wasn't for her, it's possible that today I'd still be the closeted asshole I was back then. You know?"

"You really subscribe to the butterfly theory, huh?" Jasper asked thoughtfully. "I mean, that's quite an extrapolation."

"Someone whose opinion I really value once told me that everything happens exactly the way it's supposed to happen. It was the only way he could make sense out of some pretty tragic things that happened in his life."

Jasper considered my statement for a moment, then shrugged. "I guess whatever doesn't kill you, and all that. It's one way to make peace with things that are out of our control. But I'm not sure I buy it when it comes to the choices we make. It's too easy to avoid responsibility by chalking everything up to fate."

"True," I nodded. "I know taking responsibility is important. Eat," I encouraged, noticing that he was merely using the fork to push food around on his plate. Startled, he brought another forkful up to his mouth as I continued my story.

"In retrospect, I don't know how I was able to stand Bella as long as I did. I guess I was biding my time, waiting to graduate so I could get out of Forks and out from under my father's constant scrutiny. By the time she cheated with Jake our relationship, such as it had ever been, was long over. We were both just acting, and I would have kept on acting too, through the end of the year, if Bella had just kept up her part of the bargain. But she didn't and I couldn't keep my cool when I found out, and everything just spiraled out of control. When I came to your house that night, it was the first time that I felt completely out of control. I had no idea how I would explain everything, especially to my father. But then you fixed everything. And even more importantly, you held me and told me you loved me and said you'd do anything for me."

"You remembered all that? I thought... I thought you were too drunk to even listen to what I was saying," his shock was evident.

"I heard and remembered all of it. At the time I convinced myself you were just being a good buddy, saying what I needed to hear. I didn't think you meant it literally, and I didn't want to think about what it meant that I wanted you to really mean it. But I remembered every word, and I replayed that night in my mind so often that summer, even though I hated myself for doing it, and even though I convinced myself that I was only remembering it all so clearly because I was lonely. Other than coming to Seattle to scope out our apartment and neighborhood, I didn't really do anything that summer. I didn't hang out with the guys or see any girls. I mostly stayed home and punished myself for not being able to stop thinking about you. I couldn't, wouldn't admit I was gay. That was unthinkable. But I knew I wanted and needed to share more with you, for us to be as close as we had been that night in your bed, or the night after my party."

"I wish you'd told me," Jasper whispered.

"I do too. You don't know how much I've wished that over the years. But you came back from Europe and told me about your experiences there, which I thought were with women. And then you didn't want to do anything with me, even though I basically asked you to join me. I was so confused. I started to look for women who were open to being with two guys and bringing them home, hoping that might sway you, but nothing worked. You just started to disappear. Then came Thanksgiving and more confusion, and then it all fell apart."

He wasn't looking at me and I couldn't keep talking, so I looked down at my plate and started eating. A bus boy came by to refill our coffees and I took a swallow just to have the hot liquid in my mouth to warm up the now cold food. I wasn't done with my story, but I needed a break.

"I know we already talked about this once before," he said after a while, "but I should have been more honest with you then. I was such a coward, so afraid I'd lose you altogether if you found out the truth, that I kept things hidden at the worst possible time. A lot of things might have been different if I'd had the balls to admit to you who I really was."

I took a deep breath wishing I could have agreed with him wholeheartedly. It would be so much easier to shift the blame to him, rather than keeping it for myself. But although I too wished he had been honest from the start, I wasn't disillusioned enough to believe everything would have been different if he had told me he was gay. I still hadn't been ready to hear that, and my reaction would have undoubtedly been the same. It might have accelerated everything, but I wasn't fool enough to think we would have fallen into each other's arms and lived happily ever after. It took me a long time to get over my fear of queer. I had to tell him that, to put his mind at ease.

"I don't know, Jas. I knew I wanted you then, but I still wasn't willing to admit who I was. If you'd told me you were gay it might have made things better, it also might have made them worse. I just don't know. Even after I realized that I loved you and wanted to be with you, I still didn't acknowledge I was gay. I convinced myself that I only wanted you, not men. It wasn't until months after you left, with Seth and Emmett pushing and shoving the entire way, that I was able to step out of the closet to myself, and longer still until I could admit it to others outside my immediate circle. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if you'd stayed that night instead of leaving. I was still so confused and misguided, and with you by my side I don't know if I would have had any reason to question myself as much as I did later, or to change my behavior. It's possible I would have been tempted to stay in the closet forever."

"What finally convinced you to come out?" he asked with curiosity.

"You did."

"Me?" he was rightfully puzzled. "But that's impossible, after I left, we didn't..." he trailed off. Both of us knew what he intended to say.

"One day Seth and Emmett, who of course both knew damn well I was gay, were harping on me to admit it. So I flat out asked them what did it matter what I called myself, as long as I acknowledged that I loved you and wanted to be with you? I asked them who cared what label I put on that, and they said that you cared. Emmett told me that you thought I would never publicly admit I was gay or come out, and that was one of the reasons you didn't want to be with me. That's what finally made me face what I hadn't wanted to face before. So indirectly, it was you."

"But..." he hesitated. "It's not just me, right? I mean, you really are..." he couldn't finish his question.

"I'm attracted to men. Of course, some more than others," and you most of all, I thought, "but I'm definitely gay, and proud of it," I pronounced. "These days I'm out and proud in every facet of my life."

"Even with your parents?" He seemed shocked and I couldn't blame him.

"Even with my parents, though I haven't spoken with my father in years. I came out on my 21st birthday and found out some truly disturbing things about my family at the same time. I won't bore you with the details now, though I'd be happy to tell you some other time if you want to know. Suffice it to say my father didn't take my announcement well. Mom divorced him, and now she owns and runs a Bed & Breakfast in Port Townsend. She and I get along great, and neither of us have any idea where my father is these days. The only thing we know is he left Forks after the board of directors at the hospital demanded his resignation following yet another sexual harassment complaint, and he hasn't been back since."

"So none of you live in Forks anymore?"

I shook my head.

"My family moved to Arizona," he supplied.

"I heard that," I told him. "It must be a big change from Forks."

"Well, except for Kimmie, we're all originally from Texas, so in some ways it was like coming back home. I don't think any of them miss Forks. Mom and Kimmie like the dry heat and sunshine, and Jerry's happier in his larger school district. He says he feels like he's got more to offer them, his skills are actually getting utilized. Mom is working too, and Kimmie has grown so much. I go down to visit them at least a couple of times a year."

I nodded, my mouth full of my cold breakfast. "How's your dad?" I asked after I swallowed. I didn't really know his father, having only met him that once, at graduation. But I knew he took Jasper in after he ran and took care of him, so he was miles ahead of my father on the parenting front. Then again, pretty much any parent would be.

"He's good. He's been amazing, really. Very supportive. I don't know what I expected when I went to New York, but he exceeded every expectation I could ever have. He still lives in the city, so I see him pretty frequently. I can always talk to him about anything. Mom too, though she freaks out more and she's still way overprotective. But they've both been great, as has Jerry. Even Kimmie now knows. I am sorry to hear about your dad. Maybe someday he'll come around? If he could see you now the way I'm seeing you, he'd have to be proud of you."

I shook my head. "He wouldn't be, but it really doesn't matter. He's a jackass, and I wouldn't want him to have a good opinion of me, because of what that would say about me. Mom and I are so much better off without him. We can finally be happy."

I ate some more and he finished his breakfast as well. We were silent, but it was an easier, companionable silence. The kind of silence you don't have to fill up with words to take away the awkwardness.

"So, I know you love your work. What do you like to do for fun?" he asked after Ryan took away the plates and refreshed our coffee yet again.

"I'm pretty much a homebody," I confessed. "I like to hang out with my friends and relax. I like movies and music, but mostly when I go out it's because someone I know is dragging me along. I'm quite content just sitting on my porch or hiking somewhere. What about you?"

"I don't have much time for fun. Work keeps me pretty busy. But I pretty much do what you do. Relax and hang out with friends. Only in Manhattan we're mostly hanging out in clubs, not on porches. I do love the theater, so I go as often as I can. And I still enjoy all the museums," he shrugged. "I'm as nerdy and boring as ever, I guess," his lips curved up into a smile as he spoke.

"You'd never know it by looking at you," I commented. "Unless nerds in your part of the States keep up with latest fashion trends."

He looked embarrassed as he glanced down at what he was wearing. I followed his gaze. His clothes were certainly tasteful, and his five button gray vest, with its two front flap pockets and what I now saw was a very subtle herringbone pattern, might even be considered conservative, if paired with an altogether different shirt and pants. But put together with the Henley and jeans, he was definitely not looking nerdy. Once again I wished the eyeleted V opening at his neck was bigger, or that the shirt was a little shorter. Hell, as much as I liked it, I wouldn't have minded if the shirt disappeared altogether.

"Working in television, in New York, this is pretty much par for the course," he said, suddenly regaining his confidence and looking back up at me. "We're all a little vain, I guess. Doesn't make me any less of a nerd, though. At least compared to many of my friends. You can take a guy out of the pacific northwest, but..." he trailed off. "I like your look too," he added. Once again I wished I had taken greater care in choosing my outfit for today, but only until he said "That shirt color looks great on you."

"Thanks," I replied simply, though I was thrilled with his observation. I was about to continue the conversation when he turned his wrist to look at his watch.

"Shit, it's getting late. I really should be getting back. I got a late checkout, but I still need to load my luggage into the rental and then return that before I catch my flight back."

My disappointment must have shown on my face, because he reached over and put his hand over mine. "I'm glad we did this, Edward, and I wish I had more time. I do want us to keep in touch and get to know each other again. The distance makes some things harder, but it might make some things easier. We'll have lots of time to talk," his tone was persuasive, as if he was trying to sell me on the idea. He should have known that was unnecessary. I would have preferred to be in the same city as him, of course, but talking across the miles was so much more than I'd had for so long. I would gladly accept that to start.

The hardest part of the conversation was concentrating on listening to him and then formulating a response while his warm hand was covering mine, making my skin tingle and my heart accelerate. It was such a little thing, but it meant so much to me. And yet I had to think past it, to reply to his question. It was torture.

"Thank you, Jasper. I'd really like that. Let me give you my contact information."

"Tell you what," he said, taking out his phone. "Why don't we do this the easy way? What's your number?"

I gave it to him and heard my phone ringing. I took it out to save the number with his name. "What's your e-mail?" I asked, and programmed that too as he gave it, then watched him do the same. I flagged down Ryan and insisted on paying the bill, reminding Jasper that I was the one who extended the invitation.

"All right, but when we do this in New York, it'll be on me," he said with a smile, and I soared with the hope and possibility of his implication.

"I won't say no to that," I stated the obvious with a wide grin. We walked out of the restaurant still apart, but somehow closer together. And when we said goodbye in front of the hotel, a hand shake no longer seemed appropriate. I took one look at him and accepted his silent permission before wrapping my arms around him in a loose but warm hug. I wanted to pull him in tight against me, but I knew it was better to take things slowly and leave him some space. We had already made so much progress in just two days, I didn't want to spoil it by pushing too hard.

"You sound busier than me, so why don't you give me a call when you have some free time," I offered, feeling it was important to give him that control.

"All right, I will," he answered with a smile. "And, Edward?" he paused. "It was really good seeing you again. Sorry I almost ruined it by being such an ass yesterday."

"It was understandable, Jasper. And it all turned out fine, so let's just forget that part, okay?" It certainly would cause me no pain to put that part of the day out of my mind forever.

"Okay. Well, bye again. I'll talk to you soon," he said, then turned for the lobby, though he seemed as reluctant as I did to walk away.

"Bye, Jasper. Have a safe flight. I'm looking forward to that call."

I handed the ticket to the valet and waited for my car, never taking my eyes off Jasper's departing form until he disappeared around a corner. Watching him depart, some of the anxiety I felt before the weekend returned. The way he didn't hesitate before giving me his phone number and e-mail meant a lot, but it wasn't enough to completely wipe out my fears that whatever good impression I'd managed to make would fade away once he left Seattle. It would be so easy for him to decide that if he hadn't needed me for the past six years he still didn't need me now, and allow the promise to keep in touch to simply fade away. Of course, I now had a way to call him myself, but since I made a conscious choice to let him initiate the contact, I would only do that as a last resort, and by the time I did maybe it would be too late.

Frustrated, I shook my head. I was being stupid. This wasn't the time for defeatist negative thinking. Jasper had met with me, he listened, he touched me - God, I could still feel the ghost of a sensation of his warm hand on top of mine! - he let me hug him goodbye and he'd said things, all good, hopeful things. They all ran through my mind like a news headline montage: "It was really good seeing you again"; "I'll talk to you soon"; "When we do this in New York, it'll be on me" - "when," he'd said, not "if". When! Yes, it could easily have been an off the cuff remark but Jasper had been so careful with everything else he'd said I couldn't believe he would have just let something like that slip if he hadn't meant it. Maybe he wasn't making plans yet, but he was clearly at least considering the possibility of me visiting him in New York. He was thinking about sharing more of himself and his life with me. That was amazing, and I wondered how long I would have to wait before I could take him up on the offer. No matter what my heart desired, my brain told me that buying a ticket on the same flight back as him today was too soon; "I'm glad we did this and I wish we had more time. I do want us to keep in touch and get to know each other again." - he had volunteered all of that unprompted, which had to mean that he was sincere. He didn't have to spin me a line and the Jasper I used to know would never have done that, would never have been dishonest for no reason. Of course, he could have changed over the years, but I certainly didn't get that impression. Although my gut wasn't always reliable, it was pretty insistent right now that Jasper meant exactly what he said.

And then there was his statement about my father. "If he could see you now the way I'm seeing you, he'd have to be proud of you." There weren't too many ways to interpret that. Jasper saw that I was different now than I had been before, and he thought it was a good thing, something that would inspire pride in my father. He was, of course, way off base on Carlisle's reaction, but I didn't give a shit about my father and what he thought of me. The only person whose opinion really mattered was Jasper, and his approval was clear. My chest puffed up with joy and it was all I could do not to grab the first available guy to high five or bump fists or do anything to express my jubilation. Fortunately, I was able to restrain myself, and just then the valet pulled up my car. I satisfied my urges by giving the attendant a much too large tip, got behind the wheel and headed for Covington.

I was torn between wanting to call everyone I knew to tell them what happened and wanting to keep the news to myself for a while, to wrap it around me like a comforting blanket and enjoy its warmth all on my own. My phone rang before I had much time to make a decision. With a smile, I pulled it out of my pocket, recognizing Emmett's ring tone.

"Hey, Em," I answered the call, still grinning.

"Edward, how did brunch go, buddy?" he asked enthusiastically. I could hear in his voice how much he wanted to hear good news, and for a second I considered telling him all the things I'd been thinking about, all the positive interpretations I'd had of the things Jasper said, but then I realized that maybe it would be better to play it cool. It would be hard enough if I turned out to be wrong without having gotten everyone revved up too.

"Brunch went... okay," I said carefully.

"Talk to me, Eddie," Emmett encouraged. I should have known he wouldn't let me get away without sharing the details. I thought about the best way to phrase things to make them sound as neutral as possible.

"Well, we met at his hotel and walked over to Martin's. It was easier than yesterday, but still a little awkward, you know? At least at first. But it was really great seeing Jasper and talking to him. So great. We just kept catching up. And then he had to go back to the airport. He's flying back east this afternoon," I made sure I kept my tone light, though mentioning Jasper's flight back caused a pang of disappointment.

"All right. And?" Emmett prodded, obviously eager for more information.

"And we're gonna keep in touch. We exchanged information. I think I might wait for him to make the first contact, as long as he doesn't wait too long," I chuckled. It had already been too long as far as I was concerned. No matter when he called, the wait was going to be interminable. "You know, Em, I really think we can be friends again," I told him with more confidence than I intended. It was true, though. I really did think that we could be friends. The only question was could we be more, and could I stand it if the answer turned out to be no.

"I can't tell you how glad I am to hear that, Edward," Emmett said warmly, and I could almost see the giant smile on his face. Then I heard a loud roar of a large engine.

"Where the hell are you?" I asked curiously. The day after Nasir's return I would have expected them to be ensconced in their bedroom, except for the time they had to spend with Seth and Garrett.

"Just out for a walk," he said, making it sound routine. I knew it wasn't, however, and my brows drew together as I contemplated his statement. However, he cut me off before I could ask a follow up question. "So, Edward, do you think, somewhere down the road, you two could be more than friends?"

There it was. The question I'd been asking myself all along. The one I was almost afraid to attempt to answer.

"Honestly, I don't even want to think about that yet," I replied truthfully, though we both knew it didn't stop me from thinking about it constantly anyway. "You know better than anyone that I would love it if we could, but I barely got him to talk to me yesterday. I just gotta take things slow. See where it goes, you know? But I'll tell you what, if it ever goes further than friendship with Jasper, you'll be the third to know, all right?" I tried to be even keeled, but I couldn't help getting a little excited and hopeful. I so much wanted to be able to someday call Emmett to let him know that Jasper and I were indeed more than friends.

"I'll hold you to it," he warned. "I love you, man."

"You're a good friend, Em. I love you too," I expressed and hung up. I reflected on how strange it was that once upon a time Emmett had been my greatest enemy and competition for Jasper's affection and attention, and now he was one of my biggest cheerleaders in my comeback effort to regain Jasper's love. It was yet another example of the huge changes that had taken place over the years. I had to believe that if Emmett and I could overcome our differences and become as close as we were, Jasper and I would be able to do the same.

It wasn't until after I flipped the phone closed and put it back in my pocket that I realized I hadn't even asked Emmett how he and Nasir were doing or how their breakfast and lunch went with Seth & Garrett and their families. I took the phone out and flipped it open again, but before I could even press the speed dial, it rang in my hand. This time it was Maggie. My smile disappeared mostly, remembering the somber occasion that took her and her family out of town.

"Hey, Mags. How are you doing?" I asked.

"I'm okay. Rosie's still shook up, but the funeral and luncheon are over so we're back at her grandma's house. The boys are out in the back yard playing with their cousins. There's a whole gaggle of them - all eleven of Grammy’s great-grandkids. The grandparents are keeping watch and reminiscing. It's been a tough day for all of them. Despite Grammy’s age, no one was prepared for this."

"Please tell everyone how sorry I am. And give Rosie an extra tight hug from me," I requested.

"I will do that," Maggie agreed. "And how about you? Hopefully I'm not interrupting anything. I figured Jasper would have to be on his way back home by now. How did it go?"

I took a deep breath. I wanted to be honest, but I knew I had to be especially careful what I said to my overprotective sister.

"It started out awful yesterday," I confessed. "At first he ignored and avoided me. Then he came up to me, but he was so cold and dismissive I really thought it was going to be all over before it even started. Then it occurred to me that maybe the frigid exterior was just a front to cover up his fear, and I decided to try again. And that started off badly too, but we kept talking and eventually we both relaxed and it got easier. We didn't stop talking until the reception was over and it was time to leave, and then I realized that I wasn't ready to just let it go, so I asked about brunch and he agreed. We had another good talk today, though it's still not enough. I don't know if I'll ever get enough, Maggie."

"And what does he have to say about that?" I could tell she was carefully trying to hide her reservations.

"Like I said, he was reluctant at first, but after today I think he wants for us to get to know each other better. That's what he said, and he gave me his contact information and said he'll call me soon. And we hugged goodbye. Mags, it was just a friendly hug, but it felt so good. I didn't know if I would ever get to do that again."

"So Jasper seemed the same as always? He hasn't changed at all?"

I paused to think. Jasper had changed, but as far as I could tell the changes were all good. He didn't change in any way that made a difference in how I felt about him.

"At first he was more reserved with me, but I think that was just because he didn't know what to expect. Underneath all that, though, he's still Jasper. He's still the one."

She was silent for a while, and I knew it was because she was worried about me. "I assume you talked about what happened when he left. I hope you gave him your side of the story. What did he have to say about it all?" She finally asked.

"We discussed it. I told him how I felt when he left. It wasn't easy. I was so scared telling him the truth would drive him away. For a while, I thought that it did. He became so upset, Maggie. He was almost sick. I thought I was the one that sickened him. I was going to leave, but he made me stay. And then he explained that after he left he did everything he could to forget me and what happened between us, so he never thought about how I might have felt after he left. And he apologized, Maggie, sincerely."

I heard a tiny, almost imperceptible snort and I became angry. I knew her feelings about Jasper grew out of her concern for me, but she had no right to judge him this harshly. In the last two days I saw with my own eyes how much it had taken for him to overcome his apprehension, and how willing he was to admit to having made mistakes. She had no idea. She was thinking of him as the bad guy, when he was nothing of the sort. He may have been thoughtless and maybe even selfish, but so had I been in the past, far more frequently than he. That night had been the first time he'd ever been that way and he never meant to hurt me, any more than I meant to hurt him. I wasn't interested in holding grudges and I certainly wasn't expecting him to beat himself up or beg for my forgiveness. I knew, and Maggie should have remembered too, that in the course of our relationship I had many more things to apologize for than Jasper did, and yet he had forgiven me everything and didn't expect anything in return. Neither I nor anyone else had any right to expect more from him than he expected from me. If Maggie wasn't going to let this go or adjust her attitude, well...

"Okay, so now what?" Maggie asked, clearly unaware of all the turmoil in my head. I inhaled and exhaled deeply, willing myself to calm down. This would be something she and I would have to discuss further in person.

"For now, we'll keep talking and e-mailing. We have a lot to catch up on. We didn't make any other concrete plans, but he mentioned the possibility of me coming out to New York someday," I knew this was a stretch, but I wanted to hold on to that little scrap of fantasy.

"Really?" she was surprised. "It sounds like his attitude really changed over the weekend."

"Like I said, we made no concrete plans. I think it was just his way of letting me know that he wasn't afraid of me anymore. I'm not running out to book my flight, or anything like that. Still, it felt so good to even just hear him say that. To make me feel like I'd be welcome."

"It all sounds really good, Edward," she said cautiously. "Just be careful, all right? At least you two had a chance to talk and now you both know what happened that night. That was the most important thing, right?"

"Right," I replied automatically, though I resented her attempts to keep me grounded when all I wanted was to spread my hopeful wings and fly. There was enough uncertainty and insecurity stored up in my own head weighing me down without the need to add hers.

"So how was the wedding? Did everything else go well?"

I paused, embarrassed. I had been so preoccupied with Jasper I hardly paid attention to the main event. But as far as I knew everything had gone according to plan, which is what I told Maggie. "As you can imagine, I didn't get to spend a lot of time with Seth and Garrett, but when I did see them they seemed as happy as ever. In fact, I dare say they were both glowing."

"Even Garrett?" Maggie laughed. "I wish I had been there to see that."

"It was a little like watching him back when they were first falling in love. Seth too. You know, I am so glad they found each other, and Emmy and Nasi too. And now maybe there's even hope for me," I couldn't help the wistful note of my voice.

"Oh, Honey, of course there is," she said encouragingly. Then I heard a faint "I'll be right there!" before she came back with, "Sorry, Edward, looks like Rosie needs me. I'll talk to you soon, all right? Stop by after work tomorrow for dinner? We should be back by then."

"Sure, Maggie. Give Rosie and the boys big hugs!"

I didn't get any more calls for the rest of the drive home. When I got there, however, I barely had time to pick up Remmy before Diane called for news. She came over and made banana splits while I relayed what happened. She left when we finished eating, but then I figured I needed to call Roger and Troy, both of whom were happy to hear my news.

"I'm a little worried, Leo," I confessed in my conversation with Troy. "When you were working on rebuilding your friendship with Zack you were both in the same city, you could see each other every week. With so many miles between me and Jasper, we can only do calls, and I don't know if that will be enough."

"There were a couple of years when Zack and I lived in different cities and the phone calls were enough for us," Troy pointed out.

"Yes, but you were in love then, you weren't trying to make up for six years of no contact."

"True, but even though I'd never want to do that again, I actually think living in different cities helped us get to know each other better. We couldn't do anything other people could do, like go on dates or hang out together, so we actually had to talk to each other. And you know, some things are easier to talk about when you're alone in the dark with just a voice in your ear. You can say things you might be too uncomfortable or embarrassed to say in person."

"Huh," I pondered his words. "I guess I never thought of it that way. I suppose talking will be good for our friendship..."

"But you're not really concerned about the friendship, right?" Troy guessed. "You want more than that."

"It's the world's worst kept secret," I admitted. "Friendship would be great to start, but if that goes well then, down the line... yeah. I am hoping for more."

"Do you have any idea how he feels?"

"Nope," I shook my head as if he could see me. "He's still playing his cards close to the vest," I explained, repeating what Jasper had said about sharing personal information.

"So you don't really know anything about him now? Like is he seeing anyone?" Troy sounded incredulous.

"Well, I know a little about his job, and a little about what he does in his free time, but otherwise no. I suppose the first order of business will be to get him comfortable enough to open up about other things. Really, I have a long way to go before he'll be ready for anything more than friendship. As usual, I'm getting ahead of myself."

"If he's that cautious then yeah, it might be a little soon," Troy admitted. Unlike Maggie, he at least sounded sorry about it. "Keep the faith, though, right? Isn't there some saying about every journey beginning with a step? Kind of a cliché, but true too, you know?"

I started laughing.

"What?" he bristled. "It is true."

"Oh, Leo, you're right and that is very true. I'm not laughing at you. I'm just marveling at the role reversal. I used to give you advice. When did you get smarter than me?"

"I'm not smarter than you, Edward. I just have more perspective, having been there before and all. You know Bruce talked me through everything I did with Zack."

"He's a good man, your dad. Both of them are."

"They think the same of you. And speaking of my dads, have you called them yet? Or Cliff? I was going to call Cliff next, but I won't say anything if you'd rather tell him yourself."

I thought about it for a moment.

"You know what, Leo? Go ahead and tell him. I know he feels much like Maggie and I don't think I could handle another conversation like that one today. I'll talk to him later this week."

"All right, Edward, take care. Right about now I wish Seattle was a little closer. You deserve a hug and a high five. I feel so bad being away when, for the first time, you actually might need me."

I sighed, thinking how much I'd love to see his smiling face, how much he would keep up my spirits just by being in the same room. But he had the best sort of reason to be where he was right now.

"I'll be all right, Leo. You don't have to worry about me. Besides, I can Skype you if I need you, right?"

"For sure, Edward. Anytime."

My next call was to Tyrone, who was happy for me in his typical calm and measured manner. I was most pleased that, after I carefully relayed what happened, his interpretation of my conversations with Jasper pretty much echoed my own.

"It certainly sounds like you're on the right path," he encouraged. "And while he didn't welcome you with open arms right from the start, you managed to get past the initial defensive wall pretty quickly and he is letting his guard down more rapidly than I would have expected. That comment he made about your father being proud of you..."

"That was important, right? Not because of my father, of course, but it does mean he sees something in me he hasn't seen before and approves of it himself, right?"

"I can't think of any other way to understand it. Clearly you made a good impression. And you haven't even scratched the surface of all the ways you've changed and the different things you've done. The way you've helped Leo, and the way you've been there for your sister, helping her and Rosalie with the boys. Not to mention setting up Rainbow Beginnings and your help with all the environmental causes. You're a good man, Edward, and Jasper is only beginning to see that. He'll need time to absorb it all and process it, but I have to believe over time whatever impressions he had of you from before, right or wrong, will be erased and replaced by others."

"I can only hope, Tyrone. That would be great."

"What about him, Edward? What are your impressions of him?"

I sank deeper into the sofa, running my hand over Remmy's fur as I contemplated his question, taking more time than I had when Maggie asked the same thing earlier.

"Obviously he's pretty cautious, much more so than he'd ever been with me before, but I understand why, or at least I think I do, so that doesn't bother me. He's more mature. He loves his job, I could see that clearly when he talked about it, and it's not really something we had ever talked about before, so that's all new. He had always been interested in that kind of stuff in high school, but I never knew he wanted to pursue it as a career," I laughed.

"What?" Tyrone asked, and I could hear the smile in his voice.

"He said the same thing about what I do. That he knew I was interested in nature in high school, but he didn't think it would be my career. It's just funny that as well as we knew each other, we could still surprise each other in such a similar way."

"It's good to hear you both followed and realized your dreams."

"Yeah, and we would not have had the same opportunities if we had stayed together. So I guess that's another part of the silver lining?"

Tyrone chuckled. "I'm glad that you finally realize there was a silver lining. A few months ago you didn't have that perspective. That's another good outcome of this weekend. Overall, are you feeling better now, Son? Did this weekend bring you some of the calm that has been so elusive lately?"

"I'm definitely calmer. No question. Now I just have to wait for him to call."

"Don't spend the next few days staring at the phone," he advised.

"Sure," I laughed. "Easier said than done. But I do have stuff to do around the house and I'm scheduled to work all this week, including some extra hours to make up for taking the weekend off, so that will provide some distraction. And the boys will be back tomorrow. I think I'll be all right, Tyrone."

"Call me if you need me," he reminded. I assured him that I would and we hung up.

My last call of the evening was to my mother. I had been extra careful to hide most of my pre-wedding anxieties from her, but she knew this would be a big weekend for me. It was a testament to her self-discipline and her effort to treat me like an adult who deserved privacy and space that she hadn't phoned or texted me already. Happily, I could now tell her that things went well, and that there was a good chance I have won back my best friend. Mom probably knew I wanted more, but I wasn't ready to speak with her about that. Instead we talked about a guy she'd been seeing, whom I haven't met yet. He sounded nice enough, but Mom assured me it was nothing serious, so I didn't bother to make any immediate plans for a visit. After the 4th of July I was going to bring the boys out to Port Townsend for a couple of days anyway, so I'd have time to meet the new boyfriend then, if he was still around at that point. I would have never suspected it, but apparently Mom liked to play the field.

After Mom and I wrapped up our conversation I unpacked, did laundry and prepared my lunch for the following day. I was suddenly exhausted, and though I really wanted to call Seth and Garrett, I figured they had to be tired too and otherwise occupied, especially since they weren't planning to go on their honeymoon until January. I was a little surprised that Seth had not called to quiz me about the brunch, but given everything that went on this weekend, and the fact that Emmett probably already filled him in on our conversation, it didn't seem like a huge deal. I knew one way or another I would be speaking with Seth the following day.

I got ready for bed early, taking my phone and placing it on my nightstand. I imagined Jasper would have been home already, but of course I didn't expect him to call me back immediately. Still, I wanted to keep the phone nearby, just in case. I turned off the light and climbed into bed, Remmy purring loudly beside me. I enjoyed the soothing sound, but I still hoped that someday in the not so distant future I might fall asleep listening to a different sound altogether.