Chapter 29

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Chapter 29: It's safe to say that I'm stuck again

Living with Rosalie, Maggie and Liam and resuming therapy helped normalize my life again. I wasn't exactly happy, by any stretch, and I missed Cliff like hell every day, but all the human interaction did snap me out of the deep depression I'd been spiraling headlong into when I found the gay squadron on my doorstep. Once again, I was damn grateful to have people in my life who actually cared about me enough to save me from myself.

I spent my spring break in Port Townsend with my mom. Much as I wanted to do that, at first I was worried that she might ask too many questions about Cliff, which would make things awkward and potentially force me to lie. Fortunately, I was wrong. Right from the start she told me that she was sorry Cliff decided to move and that she was ready to listen whenever I was ready to talk about it, and not before. I hugged her appreciatively and assured her that at some point down the road I would tell her everything. For the rest of the week we never spoke Cliff's name again. Instead, we talked about the B&B, which was doing very well, about school, my career plans, Liam, and about the rumors Mom heard from Siobhan that my father's star at Forks hospital was rapidly dimming. While Mom wasn't particularly eager to follow up on news involving my father, my curiosity got the better of me so, for me, she called the wife of one of the hospital board members to get more information. We found that a nurse approached the board with news that my father was pressuring her to grant sexual favors. She was looking for a payoff in lieu of filing a formal sexual harassment complaint. Apparently this approach had worked in the past, with my father providing the funds to cover the cost of the off the record settlement. This time, however, without the Masen stipend, he was finding it hard meeting the nurse's demands. He told the board that it would be better for the hospital to contribute to the quiet settlement rather than face the embarrassment and expense of fighting formal charges. Apparently he overestimated the amount of good will he had with the board, which was none at all. The board members were willing to contribute to the settlement, but only if it included my father's resignation, which he steadfastly refused, threatening the board with the wrath of his son and the Masen fortune. Mom's friend explained that, without knowing where I stood on the matter, the board was uncertain how far they could go, but were tempted to take the risk anyway in order to eliminate the liability my father presented.

After she hung up, Mom and I discussed what we should do. For reasons I could not fathom, Mom was reluctant to take any affirmative steps to destroy my father's career in Forks. I had no such qualms, but I also realized that in this situation neither one of us had to do anything affirmative. He had destroyed his career all by himself. The only thing I had to do was to let the board members know that I would do nothing to interfere with their decision, whatever it turned out to be. I made my calls that evening and had a great night of uninterrupted sleep. I figured down the road I'd find out what happened, but it really didn't matter. I did as much as I felt I owed the people of Forks. The rest was up to them.

After a few more days with Mom, I returned to Seattle and started my final term of school. I also worked with the law firm to finalize my donations to my favorite environmental causes, as well as to set up the Rainbow Beginnings Foundation for the prevention of domestic abuse in the greater Seattle LGBT community. Armed with research on what other communities had done across the United States, we set up the foundation to cooperate with New Beginnings and provide temporary housing vouchers to LGBT domestic abuse victims who were unable to take advantage of the existing shelter system. Rainbow Beginnings would also sponsor training for counselors who specialized in assisting with and handling the unique concerns of the members of the LGBT community. We interviewed a number of applicants, and finally hired several employees - an operations director, a finance director, a fundraising director and several assistants to handle the foundation's day-to-day operations. Against the advice of my lawyers, I dedicated a large percentage of my inheritance to this project, but it was a cause I felt very strongly about that didn't seem to have a lot of support from other sources. I hoped by raising awareness of the issue we could attract more high-powered donors and expand the scope of the program.

My investigation into James Visser proved fruitful, if disturbing. As I already knew from the search I did before, James was quite a strategic philanthropist, often contributing to high-profile causes at times when the contributions were most likely to garner publicity and put him in the public eye. He also networked extensively in the most prominent social circles, often accompanied by a string of young partners, none of whom seemed to last longer than a year. Information on James' past partners was difficult to find, since often they were students with few local family ties or friends. Suspiciously, each one of them seemed to leave town after the relationship with James was over. The investigator was able to locate three of them and tried to contact them to get more information, but everyone, including Jasper, categorically refused to discuss James.

"I don't know if they just want to put the relationships behind them or if for some reason they're scared to talk," the investigator explained, "but I've never seen a situation where the responses were this consistent and there was nothing bad going on to prompt them. I have no concrete evidence, but my gut tells me there's some sort of abuse going on. It's a classic pattern. If you'd like, I can keep on digging."

Unlike the investigator, I knew for certain that abuse had taken place in at least one of James' former relationships, and most likely in all the others as well. A part of me wanted the investigator to continue searching, but I worried how the investigation might impact Jasper and his privacy. If he wanted to put the whole James episode behind him, did I really want to be responsible for potentially dragging it all up again? It was bad enough that the investigator had contacted him because I thoughtlessly neglected to instruct him not to.

"What about his business dealings? Did you discover anything shady there?" I changed direction in lieu of a response.

"Just like in his personal life, this guy is very good at hiding his tracks. On the surface everything looks clean. However, all of his businesses have had a suspiciously smooth run, too. Permits are always granted without delay and question, everything passes inspection with flying colors, it's not normal. Again, this is a gut feeling only, but I'm guessing someone's getting payoffs or granting favors. Sometimes, though, those are very hard to find. It might require a longer term investigation, maybe even planting an inside man to spot a pattern of corruption. That kind of investigation requires additional labor and isn't cheap."

Everything the investigator uncovered was consistent with what Jasper had told me, including James' powerful connections in city government. I knew it wouldn't be easy or cheap, but I couldn't let that stop me. I asked for the numbers and, while expensive for most, the long-term investigation cost was well within my means. I instructed the investigator to proceed and give me regular reports. Nothing would please me more than nailing this guy to the wall, and if I could humiliate him publicly while doing it, all the better. The investigator nodded and I was about to leave his office when a horrifying thought struck me. I had plenty of time to find the rotten core within James and his businesses, but not everyone might have that luxury.

"Is there anyone he's seeing right now?" I asked. The investigator opened the file to check his notes.

"I have seen him out with a young man, a UW student by the name of Brett Sandys. Things seem very preliminary so far, though. They've met a few times in public and spent the night at Mr. Visser's penthouse. However, Mr. Sandys continues to live at his student apartment."

I pinched the bridge of my nose with my fingers. I knew exactly what was happening and I had a feeling the investigator did too. James was casting another lure, trying to reel in another victim. I could not let that happen. Not after what happened to Jasper and after all the hours I put in volunteering at New Beginnings. I didn't have enough information to put him away, but I might have enough to steer him away from his latest target.

"Follow him and the next time they're out to dinner together, call me to let me know where," I instructed. This time I had no intention of keeping my conversation with James to the privacy of his office.

The call came two days later. I was still on campus, so I didn't even have to drive all the way in from Kent. On the way to the restaurant I called Seth on a lark, and finding him home, asked him to come with me.

"Where are we going?" he inquired, almost as an afterthought, after he got into my car. I'd decided to drive over to the restaurant intending to instruct the valet to circle the block a couple of times instead of parking. What I had to say to James shouldn't take long.

"If all goes well, we're going to put the fear of God into James Visser and scare off his next potential victim at the same time," I replied.

"Ooh!" he said excitedly, "That sounds like fun! But if you want to scare him, why bring me and not Emmy?"

"Ever hear the expression 'the pen is mightier than the sword'? Brute strength won't help me do what I need to do tonight, but the fact that you're a journalist might just do the trick."

"Did you find something out that would make for a good story?"

"Not yet, but I have someone working on it. In the meantime, though, he apparently started seeing this kid, and I don't want him to end up like Jasper, so I'm hoping the information I have so far, combined with your professional credentials and the knowledge that he's being watched, will make him re-think his dating strategy. And maybe we can get the kid to do some thinking too."

"I wouldn't hold my breath," Seth muttered. I looked over at him sharply. He shrugged his shoulders. "The kind of guys that he goes after are desperate for love and approval, and at first he showers them with both, so they're never going to listen to anyone else over him, not their family or friends, and especially not a couple of complete strangers."

I knew he spoke from experience, but I refused to give up hope. "We still have to try. Maybe this kid is not as far gone."

"We'll try," Seth agreed. "And if what you have planned today doesn't work, we can always get Emmy."

"Right, but let's hope that won't be necessary. We might not be able to make the kid listen, but James will know exactly what I'm talking about, and that should be enough."

We pulled up to the restaurant and got out together. I gave the valet a generous tip to have the car ready to go in 10 minutes. I didn't want a long conversation. In fact, the less time Seth and I spent in James' presence the better. Ideally this would go like the perfect military strike. Get in, do what you need to do and get out, fast!

The investigator told me that James liked to be the center of attention when he went out, so I wasn't surprised to find him and Brett sitting at a table for four in the middle of the restaurant, where they could be seen from just about any angle. The kid was dressed in clothes that were much too conservative and grown up for him, causing me to flash back painfully to Jasper, and the change in his wardrobe after his stay with James. I didn't know everything that happened while Jasper was with James, but I knew enough to recognize that James was following the same pattern. Hopefully it would be enough to convince the kid that I knew exactly what I was talking about. I walked confidently right up to James' table and pulled out one of the free chairs, indicating for Seth to do the same.

"Hello, James, long time no talk," I said casually as I sat down, watching fury flood his face.

"Not long enough. This is a private dinner. Leave," he turned to signal for the waiter, presumably to have me and Seth removed if we didn't leave of our own accord. I had to work fast.

"Believe me, we're not here because we enjoy your company either. But if I were you, I'd want to listen to what we have to say, especially since we still have a little video that I'm sure some people in this town would be very interested in seeing, most especially Brett, over here."

He tried, but couldn't quite hide his surprise at me knowing his companion's name. His eyes narrowed as he looked at me and calculated. The waiter approached, ready to do James' bidding. James tightened his lips into an angry line, but said nothing.

"Hi there," I said to the waiter. "We're not staying for dinner, but we will be joining our friends for a drink. I'll have a Jack and coke please, and my friend here will have..."

"I'll have a Cosmo, Leonard," Seth chimed in. "You know how I like them."

"Yes, Mr. Seth. It's nice to see you again." Leonard bowed his head and left for the bar. James shot Seth a nasty look, but I could see he was also a bit impressed. I smiled. As often as he was taken out, I would not have been surprised if Seth knew every waiter in every five star restaurant in town.

"What do you want?" James spat out quietly when Leonard was out of hearing range. "Say what you need to say and get the fuck out of here."

"Tsk, tsk" I mockingly chided. "You should watch your language, James. There are impressionable young people present." It was only out of respect for Brett that I didn't use the word children, though I was sure my implication was obvious. "But very well, we don't want to spend any more time than we have to breathing the same air as you. What I wanted to tell you is that I not only know about what you did to Jasper, I also know about Carey, and Jamie, and Sam, and Lewis," I rattled off the names of James' former boyfriends, given to me by the investigator. "And now I see you starting to do the same things to Brett.

"You see, Brett," I said, turning towards the young blond boy, slight in stature, who was looking at me with large, distrustful, dark blue eyes. "You are just the latest in a long line of James' conquests. And he has a specific pattern that he follows with all of them. Let's see: he spots you when you're alone and he comes on real strong with pretty compliments, he takes you out to expensive restaurants and on expensive getaways, he buys you clothes and gets you a makeover, he won't socialize with any of your friends and monopolizes your time so you can't see them either, any of that sound familiar?"

I could see recognition in his eyes, but his face remained distrustful. He looked to James for a denial, but James face remained locked in the furious, tight lipped expression.

"It's all well and good now, but soon he'll ask you to move in with him, and everything will change. He'll force you to give up your cell phone, he'll take away your access to money, he'll outright prohibit all contact with friends and family, and when he's done all that he'll start hitting you and making you feel like you deserve it because you broke some unspoken rule or haven't fulfilled some completely unreasonable request. He did it to a friend of mine, and we barely got him out of his clutches, though not before the physical and mental abuse. You look like a sweet kid and I would hate for anything to happen to you. So please, do yourself a favor and walk away from this monster now. Nothing he can give you makes what he's going to do later worth it."

"Shut up!" James finally snapped to life. "If you had proof to back up any of these accusations, you would have done something about this three years ago, when Jasper and I broke up. All you have is a video of me trying to reconcile with my boyfriend and my completely reasonable reaction when you tried to interfere with that."

He was staring into Brett's eyes the entire time he was speaking, and I knew Brett was the only one at the table he cared about convincing.

"I have a little more than that. You see, I have someone gathering information, James, and he has uncovered some interesting things in your past. Things that would make for a very interesting story."

I paused, as I saw Leonard approach with our drinks. I waited until he set them down and James waived him away, before I continued.

"I also have a best friend who works for the Seattle Gay News," I picked up my glass and raised it to Seth, with him mimicking my movement. We both took sips of our drinks. "Who would love an opportunity to write a feature on one of Seattle's most successful gay businessmen, and what he does in his spare time behind the closed doors of his apartment."

"You print one word of this unsubstantiated garbage, and I'll sue you and the paper so fast your head will spin."

"You could try," Seth said, swirling the liquid in his glass, "but truth is the ultimate defense. And I'm sure my good friend Edward would happily pick up the defense costs for me as well as the paper."

"As your friend and concerned citizen of the Seattle gay community, Seth, I most certainly would."

We both took another sip of our drinks.

"Well, all we really wanted to tell you was that we are watching, and gathering information, James. So whatever your plans for Brett might have been, you may want to re-think them. As for you, Brett, if you ever want to see a video of your new boyfriend at his finest, when he tried to take my friend back into the hellhole he managed to escape from, you give either of us a call. I'm Edward Cullen and you can find me in the book or at New Beginnings - that's a domestic abuse prevention organization that I hope you never find yourself in need of. And that's my friend, Seth Clearwater. As you already heard, you can find him at the Settle Gay News. Do yourself a favor, Brett, and stay as far away from this man as you can."

Seth and I exchanged a look and both rose simultaneously. We left without another word.

The valet had the car waiting for us and we quickly got in and drove back to Seth's place. Even though I never touched him, just being in the same vicinity as James made me feel like I needed a shower.

"Do you think it worked?" I asked Seth before he got out of the car and into the building.

"I don't know. He sure as hell didn't deny much, but that can cut both ways, I suppose. He was definitely surprised at how much you knew, and he was trying to intimidate me which means he probably has things to hide. We know what he did to Jasper and I'm sure that wasn't the first and only time. I just hope now that he knows you're having him watched he'll back off this poor kid. I've been away from the UW campus scene too long. I should try to get a sense of what's going on there, see if someone can take Brett under their wing. Though really, since you're still a student, you're the one who should be more involved with the student gay population."

"Seth," I sighed. "You know when I was with Cliff we didn't have time for that, and since he left... that just hasn't been a priority. Even without being a student you have more contacts there than I do, and it would be good if one of them could help Brett. Thanks for that, and for coming with me today."

"Edward," he said seriously as he turned his body to face. "I would like nothing more than to nail this guy so hard he could never do this to anyone else again. If your investigator uncovers more, let me know. I'd love to write that story for real."

"Okay," I nodded. "If he finds enough, you'll be the second to know."

I was actually hopeful when I heard from the investigator a couple weeks later, but he wasn't delivering quite the news I was waiting for.

"Looks like you scared him," he told me.

"What do you mean? Is he staying away from Brett?"

"You could say that. Very far away. You see, Mr. Visser suddenly and inexplicably decided to move to China."

"Huh?" I was dumbstruck and wasn't sure I had heard him correctly. "Are you sure he isn't just on a business trip there?"

"Well, of course he could return at any moment, but the official line is he moved there to personally oversee one of his businesses. We could try to keep an eye on him in China, but the cost of that would be much higher. I'd have to bring in someone local and I'm afraid I have no experience in international surveillance operations."

"No, it's all right," I was shocked at this turn of events, but there would be nothing I could do to him in China even if I managed to find some proof of him abusing boys there. "Just keep looking here in the US and let me know what you find. And continue with the investigation on his businesses." I added.

"You got it, Mr. Cullen. I'll be submitting my reports as usual."

Seth was as surprised as I was to hear of James' disappearing act. "I guess he figured you could track him anywhere in the United States, and in China he can probably get away with just about anything, as long as he has enough money to pay off the right authorities."

"What about Brett?" I asked him. "Have you had someone talk to him?"

"They tried and got nowhere fast. The kid didn't want to hear anything from anyone, just as I predicted. In a way, James moving to China is a blessing. At least Brett won't look at this as getting dumped."

"True," I agreed, but it turned out we were both wrong. A few days after my conversation with Seth someone shoved me angrily from behind as I was walking on campus between classes. I stumbled, but didn't lose my footing, turning around instead, ready to confront my attacker.

"Brett?" I couldn't believe he'd been the one to push me. It must have taken all of his strength and courage. He didn't look like he would be over 120 pounds soaking wet.

"It's all your fault, I know it is."

"What are you talking about?" I knew very well, but pretended to be confused. I wanted to hear it from him.

"You're the reason James left me to go to China. You and the lies you threatened to print about him. He was good to me. He loved me. He even asked me to live with him. I was finally gonna have a chance to move away from my asshole roommates and be with someone who cared about me and understood me and wanted me to improve and be a better person. But then you had to come along and lie and ruin everything. You fucking jerk!"

"Brett, I have no idea why James went to China, but if it got him away from you that can only be a good thing."

"What would you know about it? You don't know me. You know nothing about me. James was the only good thing that had happened to me in so fucking long. I was finally going to be someone. I felt special. Now I'm going to be miserable all over again, only it'll be worse. My roommates are already talking about how my boyfriend had to go to China to get away from me. Everything was wonderful for a while and now I have nothing. I am nothing," he broke out into sobs. Without even thinking about it I stepped up to him and folded him into my arms. He tried to pull away but I held him fast and it didn't take but a few seconds for him to stop struggling and just cry against my chest.

I looked around. There was nowhere to sit outside, but we were near the building that held many smaller classrooms and I took a chance on one of them being empty. When he quieted down a little I led him inside and found a place for us to sit and talk in private. My heart broke when I found out more about him. A small town boy like me and Jasper, but from a broken home and without many financial resources. He had enough scholarships and financial aid that he could just afford UW with a near full time job and sharing an apartment full of frat boys who, I suspected, only agreed to let him live with them so that they had someone readily available to pick on. He had no friends or family in the area and no money for trips home, not even enough for a lot of phone calls. I could easily see that, to someone like him, James would look like a knight in shining armor, at least at first, until he showed his true colors. Of course, by that time it would be too late.

I skipped my class and called Seth, who took the afternoon off work and joined us on campus. We took Brett out to eat and Seth called for more reinforcements, this time in the form of his on-campus gay network, the same guys who had tried to talk to Brett before. He had been so blinded by James, he didn't want to have anything to do with them when they first approached him, but now, vulnerable again and stripped of all defenses, he actually listened and agreed to stay with one of the boys at his apartment while we looked for alternate living arrangements for him. I felt responsible for the kid and I had the resources, so I told the boys to find him housing with someone trustworthy and gay friendly, and let me cover the costs. I also told Brett I would cover the cost of his share of the other apartment, too, so he could cut down his work hours and have a little fun. By the way he looked at me I knew he was waiting for the catch, but eventually he realized I meant what I said, and that my help came with no strings attached.

"I didn't realize there were people like you out there," he said softly when we finally hugged goodbye, after many hours of discussion and planning.

"I know. But it's about time you did."

"Are you sure I can't do anything? I don't have money, but I could do something to repay you. Clean your car, apartment, something?"

"Just stay away from James and guys like him," I told him. "These are the good guys," I said, pointing to Seth's friends. "Listen to them and try to have a little fun. That's what college is supposed to be all about."

For me, college fun, such as it had been, was almost coming to an end, and plans for my post-college life were firming up. Towards the middle of the term I got a call from an excited Roger.

"Changes are afoot, Edward. I sure hope you have your resume in the system."

"I do," I confirmed. I'd uploaded my resume into the government job applicant database in the beginning of the year, listing my preference to obtain a position at the Mount Rainier National Park. I didn't expect anything to happen with it, though, until I graduated and updated my information. Now, however, it sounded as if Roger thought something might happen sooner than that. "Why?" I asked curiously.

"Rumor has it that my boss' boss is getting promoted to a position at the regional office in California, which means they'll either bring in someone from another park to fill her spot or, more likely, there'll be promotions within the park right up the ladder. What that means for you is that there will be an opening for a full time ranger this spring."

"Seriously?" I got excited. "You mean I wouldn't have to start out as a seasonal? Do you think I have a shot? What about all the current seasonals? Don't you think they'll apply?"

The National Park Service had a lot more seasonal positions than full time work, so I had always assumed that I would start out in a seasonal position just to get my foot in the door. Thanks to my grandfather, I certainly didn't have to worry about working to support myself, so working on a seasonal basis and volunteering the rest of the time wouldn't be a particular hardship. But it would be great to get a full time job right from the start. If nothing else, it would mean I wouldn't have to explain to anyone I met how I could afford to live on just a seasonal income.

"Some of them will, sure, but a lot of them like the seasonal work and wouldn't want to work full time. Out of those who would, many don't have your qualifications, either in terms of education or experience. I mean, you've been volunteering with us year-round for three years now. The seasonals would have a leg up on anyone brand new, but you've been around longer than most of them and have been more dedicated. Everyone at the park knows how cool you are and that you know what you're doing already. We wouldn't have to train you at all. I know you'll get a hell of a recommendation from me."

"Roger, man, you don't know how cool it would be to be a full time employee of the NPS."

"Oh, hells yeah, I do! I am one, aren't I? It was my dream job too. In fact, if I recall correctly, I'm the one who turned you onto all this in the first place."

I laughed at his choice of words.

"What?" he asked, confused. "Am I wrong?"

"No, Rog, you're not wrong. I was just remembering that day I met you and came home with Maggie. Both she and Rose thought that you literally turned me on, to the job and otherwise."

"Oh," he chuckled. "You never told me that before. Were they right?"

"I'd be lying if I said I didn't notice that you were a damn fine looking guy, but at the time I was only focusing on Jasper, so you reeled me in with your environmentalist prowess, not your bod."

"Huh, knowing how focused you can get when it comes to that guy, I guess I won't be insulted. I may be hot as hell, but I never could compete with blue-eyed blonds."

"And, lucky for you, that's so not what Yvonne is into. So shut up and tell me what I have to do to get this job, if it even becomes available."

Roger talked me through the process and I followed his instructions to the letter so that I would be prepared when the opening was announced. Things got a little weird when we discovered that Roger would be the ranger promoted to replace his boss, and he would be hiring his replacement. I worried that as close as we were, someone might complain about favoritism if he hired me, but Roger dismissed my concerns. I went through the application and interview process along with everyone else, the candidate pool narrowing with every step. Eventually, I was the last man standing, with an offer to join the NPS full time right after graduation.

By the time I got the job offer, my last term was nearly over and I decided it was time for me to get a place of my own. I wanted to be settled in before I had to start working. Rose and I talked about location, and after careful consideration I asked her to look for something near Kent, so I could still be close enough to see Liam on a regular basis. However, I didn't want to stay in the overly urban area of Kent, and asked her to find me something a bit further away from people and closer to nature. She had a list of properties for me the next day and we set of on our house hunt. Fortunately, it didn't take long. I fell in love with the third house we looked at, hook, line and sinker, without even stepping foot inside. It was located in Covington, less than a 15 minute drive away from the girls' place, at the end of a dead-end street right on Pipe Lake. The shaded, tree-lined driveway led to a stand-alone garage with living quarters above it and a relatively modest ranch house. Instead of walking in, I walked to the back yard, and needed only one look at the million dollar view to convince me. Other than the house next door, there was nothing but a wooded undeveloped area with what looked like a small, private beach at this end of the lake, and the trees surrounding it and reflected in the water made for a beautiful vista. The house had a partially sandy and partially rocky beach front, and a floating dock with a slip for a small row-boat. A large, multi-tiered deck with broad terraced stairs led down to the yard. A screened gazebo near the corner of the house held a party-sized jetted hot tub. Between the gazebo and the beach there was a seating area around a square, above-ground fire pit. It was exactly what I'd been looking for.

"I want it," I told Rose in no uncertain terms. She laughed, then furrowed her brow when she realized I was serious.

"Edward, it's a nice piece of land, but you're buying a house, remember? What if it's completely unsuitable for you inside?"

"I'll tear it down and rebuild," I shrugged, completely unconcerned. There was absolutely no point to being a millionaire if I couldn't live exactly where I wanted to, which was right at that very spot.

"Even if that made any sort of financial sense, which it does not, I thought you wanted to move in before you started working? I don't care who you hire and how much you pay them, they will not be able to tear down and build a house that quickly. Now, come on. Let's go see what's already here. Maybe it's not so bad."

I truly didn't care what the house looked like on the inside. After all, what more than four walls, a roof, electricity and plumbing did I really need? I followed Rosalie inside only because it would be too much trouble not to. Once there, however, we were both pleasantly surprised. The house wasn't huge, but since I would be the only one living there, it didn't need to be. What it may have lacked in size, it made up in layout and flow. The public areas of the house were all to the right of the entrance, starting with a recently remodeled and well-appointed u-shaped kitchen that opened onto a large dining room and a spacious living room. While the kitchen and dining room had regular windows looking onto the driveway in the front of the house, one of the best features of the living room was a wall of large pane glass windows and French doors that opened onto the deck we saw from the outside with a gorgeous view of the lake, beyond. Another wall of the living room was covered with stone around a wood burning fireplace and hearth.

"It's a perfect hang-out house, Rose. I can definitely see myself living here."

Rosalie had a perfect poker face on. "Let's take a look at the bedrooms," she said.

On the other side of the house there were three bedrooms and an office. Like the living room, the master bedroom featured a wall of large pane windows and doors overlooking the back yard, plus an adjoining master bath with a separate large shower and a two-person jetted tub. At one end of the tub was a shared fireplace, accessible from both the bedroom and bathroom. Beyond the bathroom was a huge walk-in closet that would not only swallow my wardrobe, but probably most of my other possessions as well. The other two bedrooms and office were smaller, but still plenty large for my purposes, and faced the front and side of the house. They all shared a nicely decorated and outfitted guest bath.

"Really, Rose, it's everything I need and nothing I don't. I want to make an offer. How quickly can I move in?"

"Let's check out the garage and the apartment above," Rosalie was still cautious, but I could see her reservations were ebbing. Again, I indulged her because it was easier than resisting. Besides, even though I already knew I would make an offer on the house, it wouldn't hurt to see the rest of the property.

The 2.5 car garage was a stand-alone 2 story structure. The garage took up the bottom floor, with enough room for two full size cars plus a motorcycle or other type of recreational vehicle. There were cabinets and counters along the back with ample storage. It was clear by the tools stored along the pegboard that the current owners liked to garden. I'd never given gardening a thought, but looking at the tools and thinking about the yard and flower boxes in the windows on the front of the house gave me all sorts of ideas.

"You know, Rose, there's plenty of room in this yard for me to have that compost ball I've seen on TV, and plenty of places to use the compost too."

She sighed and smiled. "Does that mean you'll finally stop giving Maggie and me a hard time about not composting?"

"No, it means I'll get you a ball too, and I'll find ways to use your compost as well as mine."

Rosalie muttered something that sounded like "good grief" as she led me out of the garage and up the single outdoor flight of stairs up to the second story apartment.

"This is supposed to be a finished studio with bath," she said, looking at her listing sheet before unlocking the door, "but we shouldn't expect too much."

"Or perhaps we should," I said as we walked into a large, bright room. Immediately to the right and on the same wall as the door was a small kitchenette area, complete with sink, a mini fridge and a microwave. It certainly was not equipped for day-to-day living, but perfect for guests. The open living/dining area had large picture windows that looked out over the roof of the main house and onto the lake, as well as smaller double hung windows on the wall above the front of the garage. The open area turned out to be L-shaped, with the recessed part serving as a perfect bedroom alcove. The bathroom was accessible from the bedroom area as was a good size walk-in closet. In the main living space there was another door leading to a coat closet and to a locked door which led to the utility room and more storage space.

"This would be absolutely perfect for when my mom comes to visit. Or anyone else, for that matter. Okay," I said decisively as I turned to her, "no more stalling. Let's write up the offer. I want this place, the sooner the better."

Whether because she could sense my determination or because she'd become convinced herself that this was the right property for me, Rosalie didn't protest, just pulled out the forms and began to fill them out. Within the hour the offer was submitted, and by the end of the day it was accepted. An inspector recommended by Rose went out the following day and while the house needed some minor repairs, I didn't even bother trying to negotiate with the owners for their cost. Instead, I sweetened the deal to entice them to move out earlier. A week later the deal was done and Benjy, an interior decorator recommended by Seth, was instructing the painting contractors on which color went in which room.

It was almost surreal how quickly my life was changing. So many things were happening, I could barely keep them all straight. Working with Benjy to make decisions about the house was immensely satisfying, but also time consuming. On top of that I had my regular coursework, volunteering, and meetings about Rainbow Beginnings. Thank God I had my electronic calendar on my mobile to tell me where I needed to be at any given time, because otherwise I wouldn't have a clue if I was coming or going. But no matter what else was going on, I always made time for certain people and calls.

I spoke with Tyrone every couple of weeks. It had been an unspoken arrangement between Cliff and me, but after we split he'd chosen his Bruce as his confidant and I gravitated towards Tyrone. It wasn't that the men were choosing sides, since there really wasn't any reason to do so. It was just that I felt a certain level of comfort with Tyrone that went beyond what I felt for Bruce, perhaps because Tyrone was the leader in their relationship and I could identify with him more as a result. In any case, talking with him helped me as much, if not more, than my talks with Dr. Furman, and I looked forward to them each and every time, even when the things we talked about were not of any real consequence.

I spoke with Troy a couple of times a week. He was doing better now, having finally made some friends, but he still seemed a little insecure about what my break up with Cliff meant for him, and our regular talks helped reassure him. There were a lot of changes in his life as well. After spending spring break together in North Carolina, the boys were more serious about each other than ever, but the forced long separations were hard for them, especially Troy, who had ever present concerns about Zack leaving him that bordered on paranoia. He became particularly concerned when, in addition to Moose and his other straight friends, Zack started getting close with a couple of his gay classmates.

"He hardly has any experience, Gem," he complained, "and I can't do anything with him, and the other guys aren't positive. What if one of them comes on to Zack and offers to do more than I can?"

"Do you think Zack cares about you so little that he'd risk what you have for some action with another guy?"

"I don't know," Troy was hesitant. "I don't think so, but if he gets curious and I'm not around..."

"Leo, Zack never struck me as the kind of guy who can't say no or doesn't consider things carefully before he does them. I think you're worrying yourself over nothing, but if you really are this concerned, maybe you should talk to him about it? When are you going to see him again?"

"Um, well, I was going to talk to you about that. Zack asked me to go to his Senior Prom with him. It's in May. I was hoping I could come out and stay with you?"

"Senior Prom, huh?" I'd taken Bella to our Junior Prom, but skipped Senior Prom altogether. I envied Zack and Troy the ability to go together. That would have never been an option for me and Jasper, even if we had been willing and able to admit how we felt about each other. "That's great, Leo! And of course you can stay with me."

"Good, though I...," he hesitated again. "I don't really know what I'm supposed to do. Prom's a big deal, right? Dad T. said I have to rent a tuxedo. I've never worn a tuxedo before. And I should get Zack a flower or something?"

I laughed. I never had to worry about stuff like this for my prom, as Mom had made all the arrangements. "Yeah, I think it's called a boutonnière. I'll find a florist around here and get you all fixed up. What about a limo?"

We spent a lot of time talking about the Prom, especially as the day got closer and Troy had to coordinate activities with Moose, who was in charge of organizing pre and post prom activities for a large group of kids all going to the dance together. Moose was also organizing things for the group to do the day after, but Troy asked if he and Zack could spend that day with me instead, to see the new house and just hang out. I suspected there was more to it than that, and there would be afternoon napping going on, but I went along with his plan because I'd missed the boys and wanted to see them too.

There was one other person I never missed a call with - Cliff. Despite breaking up, despite the distance between us, he'd remained the one daily constant in my life. We had a standing arrangement to talk at 9:00 p.m. his time, which was 6 in Seattle. If for some reason our normal time didn't work for one of us, we'd text and arrange an alternate time, but not a single day went by without us talking at least once.

While living with the girls I had forced myself to stop crying at the mere sound of his voice, so though I still missed him and my heartbeat quickened with anticipation before every call, we could now have actual conversations, with both of us contributing. Not all the talks were long. Sometimes all we'd have time for was a quick synopsis of what went on that day. Other times, especially on nights when neither of us had to get up the next day, we'd talk for hours. Cliff was doing well at work, getting along well with most of his co-workers and happily bitching about a couple that got under his skin. His social life was less fulfilling. He'd looked into the gay community in Wilmington, but was reluctant to get involved as their official focus seemed to be on living loud and proud, which was not exactly what he was looking for.

"I'm not trying to hide my sexuality, you know that," he explained, even though I assured him he didn't need to. "It's just that as a semi-public figure who is sometimes on camera, the pressure is even higher to serve as some sort of role model, and I don't want to be that. I just want to let people know on my own terms, over time, as the subject naturally comes up."

"You want to do it exactly the same way I did," I pointed out. "Except for Roger, I only came out to my co-workers after I met you and had a reason to tell them, remember?"

He sighed with relief at my easy understanding. "I'd forgotten, Eddie, but that's it in a nutshell. Until there's a reason to talk about it, I just don't see the need to discuss my lack of personal life. I'd just have to explain what happened with us and..."

This too was easy for me to understand, since I also hated talking about what happened in our relationship with anyone outside a very small and select group of people. I knew it was rather delusional on my part, but I felt if I didn't tell people that my relationship with Cliff was over, then it really wasn't, especially if he did the same thing. And even though he moved away, even though the rational part of me knew we could never sustain a long-distance relationship when we could not make one work living under the same roof, I still could not let go of the idea that things between us might not be over, that we could still re-unite, that our love would somehow overcome the force that tore us apart. If I just buried myself in finishing up school, and then graduation, and my new job, and the new house, and gardening, and spending time with Liam, surely I would finally stop obsessing about Jasper until I could, with all candor, tell Cliff that he was the only one on my mind. I held on to that hope and stopped myself from pointing out to Cliff that his strategy placed him in a perfect Catch 22. He didn't want to tell his co-workers about his private life until he had someone in his life worth telling them about, but he was reluctant to meet any gay men, one of whom might become that someone, because he was afraid he might be forced to reveal too much too soon to his co-workers. I felt selfish holding back that observation, but I convinced myself that Cliff was smart enough to figure something like that out for himself. Although he'd given me no real reason to think it, I wondered if maybe he was using this as an excuse to avoid forming any new attachments, because he was still waiting for me?

Like so many other things in my life, this was completely irrational. And stupid. And unrealistic. And a waste of everybody's Goddamn time. Because no matter what I tried to tell myself, no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, as much as I wanted to get back together with Cliff, and as many times a day as I fantasized about him moving back to Seattle or me moving out to Wilmington and us picking up exactly where we left off as if nothing happened, there wasn't a single day that went by when I didn't think about Jasper too. And without Cliff around, it only got worse.

I wasn't seeing anyone, so I was pretty much left to my own devices and imagination for physical release, and my fantasies involved Jasper as often as they did Cliff. I started dreaming about him more often as well. Strange dreams, mixtures of past, present and future. Sometimes I dreamed both about Jasper and Cliff, coexisting side by side in my life. Once I even dreamed they were together, and I was the odd man out, on the outside looking in.

Since nothing I did seemed to help, and since I was now living alone with all the privacy I could ever want, I decided to follow Dr. Furman's advice and write to Jasper. Instead of writing individual letters, I began keeping an electronic journal. Writing in the Jasper journal became part of my nightly routine, just like the calls with Cliff, to the point that I couldn't fall asleep unless I'd written something. But even though the goal of the journal was to help me make peace with the things I did in the past and to share the feelings I couldn't share with Jasper in person so that I could move on with my life, the journal seemed to have the opposite effect and simply churned up more memories. No matter how I tried, I simply could not put him out of my mind. Still, I had hoped that when the novelty of being able to think about him and write to him freely wore off, I would be able to commit myself totally and completely to Cliff. The only question was would I be able to do it before Cliff got too lonely and found someone else?

Zack's Prom was over Memorial Day Weekend. I picked Troy up at the airport Friday night and left him in Maggie's capable hands Saturday to get him groomed, dressed and prepared for the big dance while I worked one of my last volunteer shifts on the mountain. I couldn't believe that in a couple of weeks I'd turn in my volunteer clothes for the official ranger uniform. That thought actually made me sad, remembering how much Cliff had been looking forward to that change. Now it wouldn't matter to anyone. There was no one in my life who'd fawn over the drab olive and brown shirts and pants and actually think they were attractive, despite all visual evidence to the contrary. I told myself there was no reason for me to be so vain, but deep inside I knew that wasn't it at all. I'd just always imagined Cliff would be by my side as I went through the transition, and knowing he would not be was yet another reminder of what I'd lost.

The limo dropped the boys over at my house early Sunday morning after the dance, so I let them sleep well into the day. When they got up I made us a hearty frittata, just like Cliff taught me, and they told me about Prom as we ate, showing me some of the pictures they took at the dance and afterwards. It was rather uplifting and inspiring to see the group photo of all their friends, most of them traditional boy-girl couples, right alongside Zack and Troy and another couple of Zack's gay friends from school. The pictures were all pretty routine, but it was meaningful for me to see images of Troy and Zack slow dancing together, and posing for their formal portraits. These were the high school moments I could never have with Jasper, even if we had been together, and I wondered if the boys would even be able to repeat this experience the following year in Spokane. Most places in the United States just weren't as progressive as the big city high school Zack attended. But that mattered little to these two, who were just basking in the afterglow of their big experience.

After brunch I gave them some privacy out in the hot tub, at one point looking out to check on them and seeing Zack sitting on the edge of the tub, leaning back on the surround, with Troy's head between his legs. I shook my head but said nothing, since Zack was over 18 now and in a couple of weeks would be a high school graduate. If he was old enough to vote, he was certainly old enough to consent to a blow job from his boyfriend. I was just thankful that the previous home owners were thoughtful enough to plant greenery around the gazebo to obscure it from the neighbor's view, so the boys didn't have to worry about anyone interrupting their intimate moments.

That afternoon everyone arrived for a Bar-B-Q and stayed late into the evening. After dusk I lit the fire pit and we roasted marshmallows and, in light of the boys' big rite of passage, reminisced about high school days. I listened to and chuckled at everyone's stories, pulling out my best acting skills so as not to show anyone how painful the evening really was. It was only when Stig, totally unfamiliar with my history, asked me to share a story from my past, that it all got to be too much. I made an excuse about having to get more wood, tucked tail and got out of there before the tears that I'd been keeping at bay all evening spilled in front of all my friends. I was pissed when I heard someone following me, until I turned and realized it was Maggie and Liam. The little guy reached out his arms for me as soon as our eyes met and Maggie wordlessly handed him over.

"Uncle sad," he said to me, touching his hand to my face. At 19 months his vocabulary wasn't exactly extensive, but the kid sure had that one spot on.

"Yeah, I'm a little sad, buddy. But it's okay. I'll be better soon," I tried to smile, but didn't quite succeed. "Say, isn't it just about your bedtime, young man?" I asked him instead. "Do you want me to get his playpen out here?" I asked my sister. During the renovation I had one of the bedrooms turned into a kids' room, so now I had everything I needed to babysit Liam or Ren at my fingertips.

"No," she shook her head. "It's a little chilly out here. I'll get him to sleep inside and bring out the baby monitor. I just wanted to make sure you were all right first."

I shrugged. "You know as well as I do that I don't have a lot of happy high school memories. And what few were happy at the time, wouldn't be if I talked about them now." I didn't need to say that they all involved Jasper. My sister already knew.

"My high school experience wasn't so great either, if you recall," she pointed out. "And let's face it, most people's high school experiences suck. Don't worry about what came before. You've reinvented yourself in college and you're a much better person now."

"Yeah," I said bitterly. "I'm so great that, once again, I drove the guy I loved to move across the country and I get to live here, all alone, with just the echo of my own voice for company."

Maggie grimaced and I felt awful. I was supposed to have gotten better - that was a condition of me moving out on my own. Now she would be worried about me needlessly, when really, I was fine.

"I'm sorry, Mags," I quickly added. "I swear, I'm not this maudlin day to day. It's just having the boys here this weekend, seeing them so happy together, it reminds me of what I lost. I miss him."

She frowned and said nothing. It occurred to me that she might not know who I meant. Then I realized that I myself didn't know who I meant.

"I miss them both," I augmented.

"Is Cliff coming out for your graduation?" she asked, knowing I had intended to ask him.

"He doesn't know yet if he'll be able to get the time off work. He said he'll try, but he won't know until the last minute." Liam put his hand up to my cheek and lips, and I kissed his palm, making him giggle.

"Uncle alone" he said. It figured that out of everything I'd said, that would be the word he'd choose to repeat.

"Not for long," Maggie said definitively, taking Liam back into her arms. "Pretty soon uncle Edward will meet a great new guy, and then he won't be alone any more."

I half-smiled, but unlike the 19 month old in her arms, I didn't believe in fairy tales. Maggie leaned over and kissed my cheek.

"Take my word for it, Big Brother. I know it feels hopeless right now, but things will get better. Just give it a little time and be open to possibilities."

I watched her take Liam into the house, then bent down to retrieve some wood and went back to the fire pit, which by then really did need my attention. Maggie returned a few minutes later, baby monitor in hand. The conversation turned to more adult subjects. Zack and Troy, undoubtedly bored with the conversation and eager for some more privacy, announced that they were still exhausted from their post-prom late night and went to bed. Roger and Yvonne also took that as their cue and departed with their sleepy son. Over the next hour others started drifting away, until it was just me, Maggie and Rose.

"You know, one of the best things about this house is how close it is to yours," I told them sincerely. "I really like how easy it is now to see you both and Liam."

"It sure is great to have such a willing babysitter nearby," Rosalie laughed.

I smiled. It wasn't like the girls asked me to babysit that often. They were still pretty attached to the baby and hated to go anywhere without him. But I made sure the entire house was childproof nevertheless, figuring as Liam got older they would get less possessive and I would have more time to spend with my nephew.

"And speaking of help with babies," Maggie began, then paused. I glanced over at her and furrowed my brow as I saw her reach for Rosalie's hand. It sure sounded and looked like she was going to make a big announcement.

"Oh my God, are you girls expecting again? Congratulations!"

"Oh, no," Maggie looked a bit sheepish, "we're not. Not yet, anyway. But we think we're ready to try again. Liam's at that age where he would be ready for a new sibling in about a year."

"Of course he is. That's really great!" I got up from my chair and gave each of them a hug. "And good luck! Hopefully this time there won't be as many complications," I looked at my sister, suddenly a little concerned. The bit of bed rest at the end of her last pregnancy hadn't turned out to be such a big deal after all, but I would still feel better if this time she didn't have to go through anything like that at all.

"Yeah, we hope so too," Maggie added. "But this time things are going to be a little different. You see, I'm not going to carry the baby, Rose is. Or at least that's what we'd like."

"Oh," I said, pleased for them and, though I felt a slight twinge of guilt about it, also a little relieved. "That's great too. That way you can both experience the whole pregnancy thing."

They exchanged a look and I was confused again, unsure where this conversation was going. I was happy for them, of course, but they could have waited to say something until Rose was already pregnant.

"Yes, and I'm really looking forward to that," Rosalie confirmed, "but we have a question, well, more like a favor, to ask you before that can happen."

"A favor? Sure. Do you need some help with the costs?"

"No, we've got that covered," Rosalie was quick with her response.

"Yeah, Rose has really been doing great lately," Maggie added proudly. "So great that she can afford to slow down a little and have a baby."

I looked at Rose skeptically. Somehow I didn't see her as a slow-down type, unless her pace was actually hurting the baby. More than likely she would be on the phone during labor, negotiating terms of sale or purchase. The look she gave me back confirmed my thoughts.

"So what can I do, then? Do you need someone to watch Liam during the procedure?" I was starting to feel like I was really missing something in this conversation.

"Sure, that would be good," Maggie confirmed, "but there is something else, too. You remember when we had Liam we wanted him to be related to both of us, so we asked Jason to be the sperm donor. Well, now that Rose is going to carry the baby, obviously that won't work, so we were hoping..." her voice trailed off again. She looked to Rose.

"Maggie and I were hoping you'd consider being the donor this time," Rose completed the request. I stared at them in silence. Of all the things they could have asked me tonight, this was the most unexpected. I saw their expectant faces and knew I should respond, but I simply was not able to. Up until that moment I had been completely and totally convinced that the issue of my contributing genetic material to the formation of a child was a moot subject. I had no interest in being a father, and I'd always thought that was the only thing that mattered. I'd never even considered the idea of being a sperm donor.

"You're my brother and I love you," Maggie said after a while. "You're also the only male genetic relation who is suitable for this. There isn't any way Rose and I can both be biological mothers and give our children exactly the same genealogy, but if you agree, then at least we can make sure they are both related to each of us and each other. And like we told you before, if something happens to one of us and the other has any issues regarding custody, we would know that the genetic fathers would help the remaining mom keep the kids together."

"Mags, Rose..." was there any good way to tell someone very important to you that as much as you wanted to help them, you didn't feel qualified? If there was, I didn't know it, so I decided to go with the truth. "You know I love you both and Liam, and I really wish I could help, but with my family history, my crazy father and grandfather, I just don't think it would be a good idea for me to contribute to the earth's gene pool." The thought of my grandfather reminded me of how hard I laughed when I found that not having children was a condition of my inheritance of the second of my grandfathers' trusts. I never even bothered looking into the definition of children or what would happen to the money if I had any. Would donating my sperm to a lesbian couple mean giving up my inheritance? I snorted. As if that even mattered. It was far more important to keep my sperm from getting anywhere near any eggs for the sake of the general population.

"Edward, don't be ridiculous," my sister chastised. "You forget, you and I have the same crazy father and it didn't stop me from having Liam, did it? And hasn't he turned out to be a sweet and wonderful little boy? Jason doesn't get all the credit for that."

"Yeah, Mags, but my grandfather..."

"Isn't the one we're looking to for help," Rosalie finished for me. "It's you, Edward. We both know you and love you and, genetics aside, we could not think of a more worthy person to ask for this favor. And fuck, just think about it. Between you and me, we would make one hell of a gorgeous child!"

I couldn't help it, I had to laugh. An appeal to my vanity ordinarily would totally fall on deaf ears, but I had to admit, she did make me wonder what a kid of ours would look like. Would he or she share Liam's features or would we generate a completely different combination of physical traits? I saw that Maggie and Rose were laughing too, undoubtedly generating their own images.

"Come on, Edward," Rosalie said, still laughing. "Don't force us to rely on some anonymous donor in a sperm bank. I don't want to expose my eggs to just anyone. Just think, it could end up being someone like David!"

Though I was still laughing as well, I physically shuddered at that idea. I definitely did not want my sister to have to mother a child of anyone even remotely like David. No matter how messed up I was, I was still a better choice than that creep. I suddenly realized that my resistance was dumb. The girls had done so much for me and now needed my help, and I had to do so little to give them what they needed.

"All right," I said, slightly more seriously. "You've convinced me. I'll do it."

"Really?" Maggie seemed afraid to believe it. I could have just reassured her, but I decided to go a step further and have a little fun.

"Yeah, and I'll do one better. I'll save you some money too. I haven't done it with a girl in a while, but I bet I could still get it up for a cause as noble as this. Let's just do it the old fashioned way. Come on, Rose," I said, holding out my hand. "We'll go to the bedroom and I'll fuck you stupid. You'll be pregnant in no time, no artificial insemination required."

Maggie's mouth fell open and she looked appropriately shocked, but Rose was onto me.

"In your dreams, Edward. I am way too much woman for you to handle and my pussy only likes girls. You stick your cock in there, it's liable to get torn off. You'll just have to be a good boy and jerk off into a cup like my brother did a couple of years ago. Think you can handle that?"

"Depends on who's holding the cup," I countered. I could see Maggie finally started to get the joke and cracked a small smile. Rose and I went back and forth a couple more times before we finally gave up and got serious again.

"You should know that I wouldn't do this for anyone other than you two," I told them. "And also that I would ask you to keep my donor identity a secret unless it's absolutely necessary to reveal it. It has to do with my crazy grandfather again," I added when Maggie looked puzzled, before explaining about the conditions on the second trust.

"Oh my God, Edward. We had no idea," Maggie said as Rose, for once, was stunned into silence. "We can't ask you to risk your inheritance so that we can have another baby."

"Well, that's the whole point of keeping my identity a secret, isn't it? I honestly don't know if donating my sperm to your offspring would count for the purposes of the trust, but I've made up my mind. And as long as I'm not named as the father on the birth certificate, who will ever know? Just tell people that you went to the sperm bank for a donation. If down the line it's necessary for me to assert any sort of parental rights, it will be easy enough to prove paternity at that point. There's no way I'm going to let that crazy old coot stop me from helping my sister, and I'm not going to voluntarily give up the inheritance either. If things come out, they come out. Otherwise, what people don't know won't hurt them."

"Okay, if you're sure," Maggie still sounded uncertain.

"I'm positive," I assured her. "Now come on, let's do a group hug and then we can go inside. I have a bottle of champagne in the fridge that Benjy gave me when he finished decorating the house and we can put it to good use before you two start tetotaling again."

A few days later, after confirming once again that I wanted to go through with the donation, the girls called with details of the mechanics. On the appointed day at the appointed time I went exactly where I was supposed to go and obediently deposited my seed into the provided cup. It wasn't one of my favorite lifetime memories, but I wasn't exactly a stranger to self-gratification, so it wasn't a big deal either. And there was one thing I had to admit - I'd never jacked off for a better reason.