Chapter 54

Click here to read the Disclaimer and Warning.

Chapter 54: Lost in Love is What I Feel

When he pulled me up, I expected him to lead me right inside, but I certainly didn't object as he yanked me closer and our mouths mashed together in a hard, deep, passionate kiss. My cowboy was in charge now, and I happily handed over the reins. He slipped his left arm around me to grasp my ass and pull me tightly against him. He shoved his right hand into my hair and grabbed a handful, using his grasp to move my head into an optimal position that allowed us to continue kissing with the least interference from our hats. The momentary mild pain of him tugging on my hair was arousing as hell, and I felt myself growing harder, my dick rubbing against his thigh. His tongue was probing my mouth and he was kneading my butt cheek with the left hand, making me so hot and almost weak-kneed that I had to wrap my arms around his back just to hold on. Without speaking or pausing, he turned us so that my back was to the room and began to slowly guide us backwards, kissing me the entire time. I couldn't see where we were going, so it was a surprise when, instead of going through the open door, he pressed me back against the full-length glass instead.

I yelped at the shock of feeling the cold smooth surface against my ass and back, then sucked on Jasper's tongue when it seemed like he might pull back to ask if I was okay. I could feel his lips curl up in a smile and knew he realized exactly what I was doing. He relaxed and pressed his entire weight against me, pushing me hard up against the glass doors. This time I could distinctly feel his hard cock digging into my thigh, exactly as mine was doing to his. With the support of the glass behind me I could relax my grip on him, so I began to lower my hands to his ass, but Jasper wasn't having it. As soon as my hands began their downward journey, he released my ass and head and reached back to capture my wrists, then brought both of my arms up and pinned them against the glass above me. My cowboy hat made this slightly awkward, but neither of us minded. He was too busy licking and sucking his way down my chin and neck and I was too busy bucking against him. Even tempered with precum, the friction of his lightly hairy thigh against the soft, sensitive skin of my now fully exposed head was driving me to distraction.

"Easy, Tiger," Jasper rasped, his voice slightly gravely. "I have other plans for that cock tonight."

"Tiger?" I smirked as I spoke. "Don't you mean stallion?"

"You'll always be my Tiger," he insisted. "But I suppose for tonight you can be my stallion too."

"Your tiger, huh?" I breathed

"Yeah. All tiger and all mine," he trailed a series of bites across my neck then back up, nipping at my chin and then pulling my lower lip between his teeth.

"All yours," I agreed when he released my lip. It was all I could get out before he was kissing me again. Then his hands were on my chest and running down my rib cage, settling on my hips to keep them still as his tongue drove deep and ravaged my mouth. I was in such a haze it took a few moments to realize my own arms were no longer held captive above my head. I brought them back down, wrapping one around his neck, careful not to knock over his hat. I slid the other hand down the side of his body and inserted it between us to grasp his hot, hard, cock. He gasped into my mouth when my fingers wrapped around his shaft, then moaned when I began to jack him. He broke the kiss and pulled back, our eyes meeting in a perfect reflection of each other's heavy-lidded lust.

"We need to get inside," he announced, and I couldn't disagree.

I clung to him tightly with the hand I had around his neck as he used his grip on my hips to pull me away from the glass and maneuvered me to the opening that led back inside our room. He let go of me briefly to push aside the curtains, then continued to walk me backwards until my calves hit the mattress.

"Wait here, I'll be right back," he ordered and pushed me onto the bed. I released his neck and cock and fell onto my ass, using my elbows for support to keep myself from falling flat on my back. I watched as he swiftly moved to close the patio door and pull closed the curtains, then retrieved the condoms and lube from his bag. He pushed up the rim of his hat with the lube bottle and winked at me, a sexy smirk painted on his face. What little blood had left my cock as it was lying there, unattended, came rushing right back, returning me to full mast. His own dick stood hard and proud, the head swollen and dark, glistening with precum. It was enough to make my mouth water and I swallowed hard, flicking out my tongue to moisten my lips in anticipation.

Clearly aware of how he affected me, Jasper took his time, sauntering to the bed.

"Did you not have enough to eat at dinner?" he asked with mock concern, tossing the condom and lube onto the bed as he placed one knee on the bed in preparation to straddle me. "You still look hungry."

"The menu didn't have what I want the most," I growled, watching him bring his other knee up so that he was now kneeling on the bed over me, his legs wide spread, his heavy balls hanging within tantalizingly easy reach and his cock up and pointing in my direction. I watched as a bead of precum slowly rolled down his head and clung for a moment before, stretch-pulled by gravity, it fell onto my stomach.

"Fuck!" I whispered, staring at the tiny drop of clear fluid. Wasting it like that was absolutely unsupportable. "Come here," I ordered, finding my voice. I fell onto my back as I reached up to grasp his hips, simultaneously pulling him forward and sliding down below him so that when he lost his balance and found himself on all fours above me, my mouth was exactly where I wanted it to be. I'd lost my hat in the process of sliding along the bed, but in this position it would have been a hindrance anyway, so I didn't care. Using my grip on his hips for leverage, I pulled up my upper body and stuck out my tongue, running it broadly over his full scrotum. He groaned and I could feel his cock twitch where it was resting right against my face. Encouraged, I shifted down and licked him again, then pulled one of his testicles into my mouth, massaging it gently but thoroughly with my tongue. I felt a hint of stubble rasping against my tongue and smiled, imagining a mutual manscaping session sometime in the future.

"Fuck, Edward, the things you do with that mouth and tongue!" he exclaimed as I released one egg and promptly took in the other. I smiled again and tried to be even more diligent in caressing his ball in its fuzzy sac. He spread his knees wider, lowering both of us so I was lying back on the mattress with him just hovering above me. No longer needing to support myself, I reached for his cock, running my thumb over his slit to gather up the leaking precum and spreading it over his head and the rest of his pole. There wasn't enough to slick him up completely, but plenty to make sure my hand wrapped around the upper portion of his dick would move easily as I began to stroke. I loved the way he felt in my hand and in my mouth, and my own cock, which had remained hard despite the lack of attention, throbbed as my excitement and need continued to grow. I reached for it with my free hand and grasped it tightly for a slight bit of relief.

"Get me ready, Tiger. I need to ride that cock,"

I let his testicle pop out of my mouth and pressed my head into the mattress so I could look back at him. His head was hung low, his brow creased, as if in concentration.

"Everything okay?" I asked with worried frown.

"Just trying not to let things get too far too fast. I don't want to come the minute I slide down your cock," he said, his voice tight.

I knew exactly how he felt. The way my dick was throbbing in my hand, there was a distinct possibility that if he didn't come instantly upon mounting me, I would.

"Sit up a little," I demanded, sliding myself a little lower even as he shifted back to an upright kneeling position. I reached up for his hips again, this time pulling him down to me so I could lick his perineum before tilting his pelvis forward so I had access to his hole. "Stay right there," I ordered and put my middle and index fingers into my mouth. They tasted of his precum, making me salivate even more. With my fingers slicked up, I used both hands to spread his cheeks and tapped his hole lightly my wet fingertips, then circled them all around it. In this position his balls were resting across the bridge of my nose, right above my eyes, so I couldn't see a thing, but this wasn't about seeing. What I really wanted was a good long feel and taste. I pressed the tip of my wet middle finger into his opening slowly, going no deeper than the first knuckle, relishing the way his sphincter clenched tightly around it. It was a mere promise of what awaited.

I sank my finger in a little deeper, seeking the almond-shaped gland and rubbing it slowly when I found it even as my tongue laved the skin of Jasper's perineum on the other side.

"Oh God," I heard him whisper-groan above me. "I said get me ready, not get me off."

He had a point. I certainly did not want to get him off prematurely. I withdrew my finger and, still holding his cheeks spread, replaced it with my tongue. At first I just lapped at his hole, thrilled to hear him whimpering above me. I knew I was making him feel good, but this alone wouldn't be enough to make him come. Neither would fucking his hole with my tongue, which is what I did next, pressing the tip against his tight entrance and slowly feeling it yield as I curled up my tongue and pressed deeper. I continued to tease him, pausing only when I felt him reaching back and his fingers closed around my dick. He started pumping, not too fast, but fast enough to make me want to feel more than just his fist around me. I shot my hand out to the side of the bed, blindly feeling for the bottle of lube, but missing it with each attempt. I felt him shift above me and then I felt lube dripping into my hand. My hand closed into a fist as I moved my fingers to spread the gel around, taking care that the important fingers were well coated. When I was satisfied, I brought my hand back to his hole, this time focusing on stretching and lubing him up. The entire time he hadn't stopped stroking me, and I was sure both of us were now equally desperate to move to the next step.

"Enough already! Get back up here, I fucking need you now!" he ordered while I was still fingering and stretching his hole. I withdrew my hand obediently and slithered back up the bed until his ass was poised above my all-too-ready hard on. I saw him reach for a condom, and then sit back on his heels to slip the latex sleeve over me. Then he grabbed the lube bottle and poured a liberal amount onto my cock, using his hand to ensure even coating.

"Ready to ride, cowboy?" I smirked, watching him toss the lube aside and rise to his knees again.

"What do you think?" he asked, his head cocked, cowboy hat still firmly on his head. He reached behind him and grasped my cock again with one hand, while parting his cheeks with the other. I moved my hands to his hips to steady him in case he lost his balance. He positioned the tip of my cock at his entrance, looked down at me, smiled and winked. Then he closed his eyes and very slowly allowed his body to lower. The slight grimace on his face when my head first breached his entrance was almost instantly washed away by a look of pure contentment. He rested his hands on my thighs and leaned back as his body gradually descended over my pole until eventually I felt the flesh of his ass against my balls as his nested in the trimmed pubes above my dick. I was as deep inside him as I would ever get and it was the most amazing thing I ever felt.

"We fit so well together," he said quietly, without opening his eyes. "You feel so good inside me. Your cock is perfect. Just fucking perfect!"

Staying still inside him was absolutely killing me, but the expression on his face was so beautiful I would have stayed like that all night if I had to. I relaxed my hold on his hips and ran my thumbs back and forth over his hip bones just to feel like I was doing something.

"You're fucking perfect, Jas," I told him. "I've never felt anything like this before."

He opened his eyes and looked down at me, then pushed himself up off my thighs to propel his upper body forward. He braced his hands on my chest then lowered himself until his torso and face were hovering over mine.

"It's pretty damn great, right?" he asked with a smile. "More than physical. It's like all the pieces finally clicked in to place and this just transcends everything we may have done before. This is beyond just good or even great sex. It's..." he grappled for the right description.

"It's love," I completed the statement for him. "I mean, it's the only explanation. This is what it's like when you're with the man you love, your soul mate, the one you're meant to be with."

He stared down at me with a look of surprise, as if what I'd said was somehow unexpected. I almost became concerned when he dipped his head and kissed me. It was a kiss that perfectly enhanced what we were already feeling, our lips and tongues moving against each other in perfect harmony, emotion flowing between us.

"You're so right," he whispered against my lips. "When you're inside me I'm physically fulfilled, but it's emotional too. It's definitely love."

"I love you so much, Jas," I proclaimed. His forward movement meant that I wasn't buried to the hilt inside him anymore, so I lifted and tilted my hips to remedy that with a careful thrust. His eyes widened as he gasped. Then he gave me another quick kiss and pushed himself up again.

"We need to do a little more of that," he teased, pushing back the hat that had fallen forward when he was kissing me. Balancing with his hands on my rib cage, he slowly pulled his body up nearly all the way off me and then lowered again.

"Yeah," I groaned. "Keep going, just like that."

"Just like this?" he asked and repeated his actions.

"Exactly like that," I confirmed.

"You like me riding you, my stallion, my tiger?"

I nodded, watching his body elevate and descend. "Fuck, you're so tight. It feels so good."

"I know, it does." he leaned on me more heavily as he sped up. I wanted to remain passive for him and let him have all the control, but my hips began to buck up into him involuntarily, meeting him halfway.

"Fuck! Oh!" he exclaimed and I stilled. "No! Keep going!" he demanded. "Fuck me hard." I did as I was told and flexed my hips in time with his movements. He leaned back, angling his body for greatest pleasure. His hard cock bounced against his toned stomach with each movement, precum dripping steadily down the shaft. His balls were pulling up, crowding at the base of his dick. I knew he was close to coming, and I was nearly there too, but it hadn't been enough. I didn't want it to be over yet. So when he reached to stroke himself I caught his wrist, causing him to look at me in surprise.

"Wait," I pleaded. "Just a little, okay?"

His gaze softened and he slowed down, though he never stopped moving completely. Suddenly his eyes lit up with an idea.

"Edward, do you think if I held on and helped, you're strong enough to hold me up if you're standing?"

I furrowed my brow. "I think so. What did you have in mind?"

"I always had this fantasy," he paused, and then shook his head. "No, it's stupid. This is working, we shouldn't mess with it."

"It won't be messing with anything to tell me your fantasy," I prompted, consumed with curiosity.

"I just," he sounded embarrassed. "I've fantasized a lot about you fucking me, standing, with me against the wall, you know. Really fucking me hard and me just hanging onto you," he glanced at me dubiously. "It's stupid, I know. Let's just..."

"Stupid? You have to be kidding me. That's the hottest fucking thing I ever heard. I think I could do that, yeah. I'd like to try, at least. If it doesn't work it won't take us long to get back in the mood like this again," I pointed out. The idea of fucking him against the wall was hot, made even hotter by the fact that he'd requested it.

"Really?"

"What do you think?" I asked and moved my hands to help me push up into a sitting position. With my cock still inside him, Jasper wrapped first one leg and then the other around my waist, bringing his arms up to twine around my neck.

"This is so hot," he whispered in my ear. "You have no idea how many times I made myself come thinking about us like this together."

I grunted using my arms and legs to move the both of us to the edge of the mattress, where I could plant my feet firmly on the floor. Standing up would be the most difficult. I was fairly confident that once we were Up, I could manage to carry him up to the nearest wall, which would then take up some of his weight. Then it was just a matter of gaining a firm and balanced stance so I could fuck him as he requested. Even thinking about pounding him into the wall while his ass was still firmly hugging my dick was almost enough to make me come. I couldn't imagine I'd last long actually doing it, but it would be worth it to fulfill his fantasy.

I took a deep breath and felt him press himself closer to me, as if trying to make himself smaller. At the same time his grip around me tightened considerably. One more exhale and inhale and I pushed myself up, my arms automatically moving to cup his ass to keep him from sliding down. The maneuver turned out to be surprisingly easy, and with Jas clinging to me walking wasn't difficult either. After only a few steps we were at a wall and, as I anticipated, it became much easier to hold him up. Jasper relaxed his legs a little, giving me room to move, and kept only one arm around my neck, reaching for the wall with the other. I kept a tight hold of his butt and moved my feet slightly wider apart. Then finally, finally, I withdrew a bit and thrust back inside him.

"Is this what you wanted?" I asked, looking straight into his lust glazed eyes. He nodded vigorously, the cowboy hat moving forward and back on his head with the movement. "Harder, please."

I pulled back more and thrust deep again, making him cry out.

"Don't stop," he moaned when I paused to take in his reaction. "Keep going. Fuck me hard and fast. I want it, Edward. I want you!"

There was no way I could have resisted him even if I wanted to, which I definitely didn't. Concentrating on holding him up, I bent my knees more for even greater balance and began pumping my hips, thrusting into him deep and hard. I moved at a steady pace, though not as fast as I possibly could, holding back a little for the finish, which judging by the tingling in my tight balls wasn't far off.

"Feels so good to be inside you, Jas. To fuck you like this, knowing this is what you want. Is this good? Is it how you fantasized it would be?" I was barely aware of what I was saying as I drilled his tight ass as hard as I could.

"Better," he reassured. "So much better! Fuck!"

His head fell forward, forehead resting on my shoulder. I kept thrusting, hoping at this angle I was hitting his prostate. In and out. In and out. The physical exertion of standing and holding him was taking its toll, and I could feel my muscles tense. I broke out in sweat despite the coolness of the room. Jasper's feet began to slide down my ass and I gripped his butt tighter to support him better as he tried to adjust.

"Still good?" I checked with him, continuing to thrust.

"So good, I'm almost there," he panted. Knowing I didn't have long, I quickened my pace, biting my lip in concentration to try and maintain a rhythm. I felt and heard him groan and gasp, then momentarily tense before I felt his cum fountain over both our stomachs. At the same time his ass tightened around my dick and that was enough to send me over the same edge. I delivered one final deep thrust before erupting inside him, my body, mind, heart and soul all exploding in a single glorious release.

For a brief moment everything went blank, but almost instantly I returned to reality. I convulsed a little with each spurt as my fatigued muscles protested against any further activity. My muscles burned and my knees buckled, no longer able to provide support. I was thankful for the wall, which was the only thing keeping us from toppling to the ground, As it was, I slumped against it and Jasper and I both slid down until I was in a catcher's position, with Jasper still seated on my cock, his feet now resting on the ground. The pain in my thighs was excruciating, and I judged the carpet would have to be enough of a cushion as I allowed my body to fall back onto the floor. With his arm still wrapped around my neck, Jasper was forced to fall forward with me and we landed in a heap, my cock still mostly inside him.

I was breathing heavily, but became concerned when I felt his body shake above me.

"Jasper, Love?" I asked anxiously. "I'm sorry, I couldn't keep standing anymore. Are you hurt?"

He lifted his head and shook it back and forth in denial. I could now see that the shaking was a result of laughter. "No, I'm fine. It's just funny, us falling like this."

I smiled, relived that he wasn't injured. I brought my hand up to tip back his hat, which by some miracle managed to stay on his head through all our acrobatics.

"So, other than funny, was it all right?" I asked quietly, stroking his cheek.

All signs of amusement left his face, and he became very serious. "Edward, all right doesn't even come close to describing what just happened. No one has ever done that for me before, fucked me like that, loved me like that. You brought my fantasy to life and it was so much better than I ever dreamed it could be. You're an amazing lover, and man, and I love you so much!"

"I love you too, Jasper. And if I am these things that you say I am, it's because of you. It's a cliché, but you make me want to be better than I've been before. I want to be the man you want and need and deserve."

I saw his eyes sheen over with tears for a moment, but then he smiled and blinked them away. "You are all that Edward. You definitely are."

We kissed again, and kept kissing, pausing only to tell each other again how much we meant to each other and how much we loved being together. The floor was cold and hard on my back but I hardly even noticed. I had the man I loved in my arms and he loved me back. Nothing else mattered.

We both noticed when my cock finally slipped from his ass, and we both giggled about it, though we kept kissing anyway. Jasper did pull back a few moments later, though, and asked, "You think someone is trying to send us a message? Maybe it's time to clean up and get in bed? It will be so much more comfortable for you."

"Yeah, probably," I admitted. "You'll have to go first."

He pushed himself up and lifted himself forward to one knee, placing his semi-soft, cum dripping dick right in line with my lips. I wasn't sure if it was deliberate or inadvertent, and I wasn't going to waste time asking. I just lifted my head and captured it with my mouth, lapping at his creamy jizz. His startled "oh!" was the answer to my unasked question, but he stayed where he was, so I knew my attention wasn't unwelcome. Only when I had licked him completely clean did I let him fall out of my mouth and get up.

"That was pretty sneaky," he pretended to chide, grinning down at me. I gave him a satisfied smile and licked my lips.

"Sometimes a man has to be sneaky to get some dessert."

"Hmm, I see what you mean," he said and quickly lowered himself back to his knee, this time to the side of me, reaching for my cock. Before I could protest or do anything, he had pulled off the condom and dipped his head to swipe his tongue against my cummy cock. "Yummy!" he said, looking over at me with a grin.

"You had the real thing this morning, as I recall, without the latex additive," I teased.

"True," he admitted, "and that was much better, but still," he licked me again, "it's a shame to waste it."

"There's plenty more where that came from," I assured him, pushing myself up to a sitting position. "As much as you want. Now come on, let's clean up and get to bed."

"As you wish," he pushed himself up to stand and extended his free hand to pull me up. Together we walked into the bathroom where he disposed of the condom and took off his hat before we took a quick shower. Freshly clean, we retreated to bed, where we kissed and talked a while longer in the dark before falling asleep.

I woke up to the sound of a ringing telephone and the feeling of Jasper stirring against me.

"That's mine," he mumbled sleepily, reaching to the nightstand. "Shit, where did I put it? I think it's still in my jeans."

Gathering awareness from deep recesses of my brain, I recalled us discarding his jeans by the side of the bed and rolled over to reach down for them, passing them to him so he could take out his phone. He took it out of his pocket and pressed the button to answer.

"This is Jasper."

There was a verbal explosion on the other end of the line, words coming in a torrent that could not possibly have been isolated or comprehended by any human ear.

"Wait, what? Slow down, Levi," Jasper sat up abruptly, his voice extremely alert. Concerned, I sat up as well, listening intently. "I can't understand what you're saying. What happened? Who's hurt?" he paused, giving the man on the other end a chance to explain.

"No, you're kidding!...Where?...But how?...Wasn't Felix with them?" Jasper spat out the questions like a machine gun, but his part of the conversation told me nothing except that something was very wrong. The man on the other end was speaking excitedly, but I couldn't make out the words. The only thing I could do was to reach for Jasper's free hand. He grabbed my offered hand and squeezed it hard, but I didn't complain. I could see the fear in his eyes, making my discomfort irrelevant.

"Thank God, but you said hospital...How's Ross?...That's it? Are you sure?...And Dimi?... Fuck!...Which hospital, Levi?...Do you know who the attendings are?...Listen to me, Levi, this is very important. You need to go find a doctor Lance Burris. Tell him that you're my friend and then tell him what happened. I'll try to call him too, but you may be able to find him first. He knows Ross and Dimi. He'll help. Tell him he needs to make sure they get the best care, all right? The very best!" Jasper was clearly agitated and concerned, but he paused for a moment to look at me, his eyes full of apology. "I'm going to be on the first flight available back to New York, Levi. When you get a chance to talk to them, tell them that, all right? Are their families there yet? I'll get there as soon as I can. Just take care of them until then. I'll call you as soon as I make the arrangements. Is this the right number? All right, Levi. Standby. I'll try to reach Lance and I'll call you as soon as I know my plans."

He ended the call and dropped the phone in the bed, freeing his hand so he could bury his face in both hands. I slid closer to him and wrapped my arms around him for comfort, which he obviously needed.

"What's going on, Jasper? What happened?" I asked, filled with dread.

"My best friends got jumped on their way back from a club. It was a bunch of gay bashers with bats and who knows what else, 'cause apparently they're not men enough to take on their gay victims bare handed. My friends tried to fight back, but they were outnumbered even without the weapons. Our friend Felix usually walks us back, and he's built so he scares idiots like this off just by looking at them, but he was sick so he wasn't there tonight. Thankfully someone called the cops and some good Samaritans stepped in even before the cops came and scared the bashers off, but not before my friends got hurt. One has some contusions and a broken arm, which isn't too bad, but the other was unresponsive. They're at the hospital," he was choking up with tears as he spoke.

"Shit, I have to call Lance," he remembered, pulling away from me and wiping at his eyes with his bare arm. He picked up his phone and pressed a speed dial. The phone rang, but no one picked up.

"Lance, it's Jasper. Listen, I sent my friend Levi to find you and tell you, but just in case he doesn't, Ross and Dimi got bashed tonight and they're there at St. Luke's. You have to make sure they get the best care! I'm out of town, but I'm catching the first flight back, so I will see you tomorrow. Please, Lance, take care of them. I think Dimi is really bad. Make sure the attendings know these are your friends, please. Call me when you can. If I don't answer, it means I'm on the plane."

He terminated the connection and tossed the phone on the bed. I reached for him again and he collapsed against me.

"Levi said they don't know about Dimi. He's in really bad shape. They took him right into the OR. I just hope Lance is working tonight."

"I'm sorry," I said helplessly, holding him close and rubbing circles on his back with my hand because it was the only thing I could do. "I'm so sorry, Jas. Just think positive thoughts."

I wanted to tell him everything was going to be all right, but platitudes weren't going to help anything and I had no idea if there was even a chance of that being true.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he wailed. "Why does this world have to be full of hateful assholes who feel the need to hurt us? How the fuck have two men ever harmed anyone or anything by loving each other, except when society has forced them to live a lie and hide who they are? Why can't people just let each other be?"

"I don't know, Jas."

"And how the hell does this happen in New York City? In Manhattan, for Christ's sake! It wasn't a bad neighborhood. I don't even know if the cops got these creeps. And if they did, they'll probably get off on some technicality. Jesus."

His tears fell hot on my skin. I'd never felt so helpless.

"And the worst part is I can't even go see them. They're so damn far away. Oh," he pulled back. "I have to call the airlines, change my reservations. I have to go back, Edward. I'm sorry, but I have to go back."

The news that he was going back to New York, that he would not be there for Emmett and Nasir's wedding, had already hit me, when he mentioned it earlier. The selfish part of me wanted to rage or whine, anything to keep him with me. The rational part knew he had no choice. His friend was badly injured, and while he might not be able to do anything to help, I fully understood why he felt he needed to be there. Hell, I'd never voice it and I hope he didn't even think it, but from the sound of the conversation I'd overheard, it could well be his last opportunity to say goodbye. Obviously my own needs and desires, and even those of Emmett and Nasir, paled in comparison.

"Let me get my computer," I told him, getting out of bed as I spoke. "We have to check the ferry schedule first and then figure out what the first flight is that we can reasonably get you to and book your ticket. We'll get you back as soon as possible."

He looked at me gratefully. Sitting naked in the center of the bed, shoulders slumped, his face splotched with tears, he suddenly looked young and vulnerable, and all I wanted to do was go back to bed and gather him to me and do whatever I needed to take away the pain, but there was nothing to be done. I reached into my bag and pulled out the computer, carrying it over to the bed, opening and turning it on before I even got there, so that by the time I sat down everything had spooled up and was ready to go. We pulled up the ferry schedule first, noting that the first ferry to the mainland was at 4:40 am.

"It says that mornings are peak times, so we should plan to get there well ahead of time, to make sure we get on that first ferry," I told him. He nodded mutely, but the way his eyes were glazed over I couldn't be sure he heard or understood.

I clicked over to Travelocity to find the earliest available flight. I calculated that it would take us about an hour and a half to get to the airport once we left the ferry. Jasper would need a minimum of one hour to make sure he had enough time to get through security and make it to his gate. The best we could do was an 8:30 departure on a flight that would take him directly to New York City, which I booked for him immediately. Over his objections, I purchased a first class ticket, explaining that he would need sleep, since he was unlikely to get much more tonight and probably none after he landed, and with his height he was unlikely to get any sleep in coach. In full possession of his faculties Jasper would have put up more of a fight, but his mind was obviously only half on the travel plans, the other half already with his friends in New York, so he quickly acquiesced.

I could tell he was agitated about having to wait and not being able to make the very first flight out of Seattle. I wished we had made the decision to keep going, instead of spending the night in Langley, but what had been done couldn't be undone. Instead of dwelling on it, I encouraged him to pack up his overnight back and think about what else, if anything, he needed to take with him, explaining that I would ship everything else back to him on Monday so he didn't have to worry about it now.

"Do we have time to shower?" he asked as we packed up our possessions, leaving only the clothes we planned to wear. He seemed so lost and distraught, like he needed me to outline everything for him, step by step, and make all the decisions. I glanced at my watch. We were both clean form our last recent shower, but another would help wake us both up and feel more refreshed.

"Yeah, a quick one."

We washed each other quickly and then took a few precious minutes just to stand under the spray holding each other close. "I hate that I won't be here for the wedding," he whispered. "I hope you know, and tell Emmett and Nasir, that I wouldn't miss it for anything other than something like this."

"I know. I'll tell them and they'll understand. We would all do the same thing under similar circumstances. I just wish I could go with you, be there for you. But since I'm standing up..."

"No," Jasper shook his head vehemently in his first perfectly lucid moment since he hung up the phone after leaving his friend a message. "You need to be here, and not just because you have a role in the ceremony. You need to be here because these are our friends and we need to be here for them, and you need to represent us."

My heart clenched and I tightened my embrace. He was leaving Seattle in a few hours, but he wasn't leaving me. There was still going to be an us after he was gone, and somehow we would figure out a way to make this distance thing work.

We dried off and dressed, put our bags and hats in the car and walked over to the main building to check out. I wasn't sure if anyone would be there at that hour, so I was pleasantly surprised when I saw a teenage kid behind the reception desk who was able to prepare our invoice and accept the keys. He even prepared us two cups of steaming hot coffee in "to go" cups. I noticed that Jasper's hand was shaking when he took the offered cup, so I quickly grabbed both of them and ushered him back out to the car. I placed the cups on the roof and pulled him into my arms and held him tightly again until he stopped trembling.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I don't know why I'm so..." he began.

"Worried? Concerned?" I finished for him. "Jasper, I would feel exactly the same if I were in your place. I felt almost the same way when Nasir and Emmett were in the Emirates, and they weren't even hurt. It sucks to know people you care about are in danger and there's nothing you can do. It especially sucks when you're far away from them. But we're doing something about that last bit right now. We'll get you to New York so you can be with them. All right?"

He nodded against my shoulder. "Thank you," he whispered. "You're so good to me. I'm such a basket case. I should pull it together."

"Save that for when you're in New York. For now, I'm here, so lean on me and don't think twice about it. It's my job to do this for you. It's what boyfriends do for each other."

I held him for a while longer silently, then pulled back to ask, "Ready to go? We want to make sure we're at the ferry landing early to get a spot on the first one."

He nodded and I opened the door for him. When he was inside I leaned in to put his coffee cup in the cup holder and gave him a quick kiss before pulling back and closing the door. By the time I rounded the car and got behind the wheel, he had buckled in and was sipping some of his coffee.

"It was nice of the kid to get us these," Jasper said. "Coffee is a good thing."

I nodded, but didn't bother to drink mine. I pulled out the paper on which I noted the address of the ferry dock and programmed it into the navigation system instead. Once the route was determined, I pulled out and followed the computer instructions. Jasper drank more of his coffee, and then replaced the cup in the holder and moved his left hand to rest on my thigh.

"I hope this is okay," he said. "I know you need both hands to drive on these dark, unfamiliar roads, but I need to touch you."

I took my right hand and placed it over his, squeezing it lightly before returning to grip the steering wheel. "Of course it's okay, Jas. I like it."

"I really don't know what I'd do if you weren't here to be my anchor," he said, leaning back in his seat, his head thrown back against the headrest. "You've always been that for me. Ever since we met. You were both the anchor and the hurricane."

I glanced over at him and noted a faint smile gracing his lips. His eyes were closed, but then he opened them and turned his head to look at me.

"I'm sorry about the hurricane part," I told him. "As for the anchor, you were just as much my anchor as I yours. So many times it was only your presence that kept me from flying off the handle. You were able to calm me with just a few words, or a hand on my shoulder, or sometimes with just a look. Half the time I bet you didn't even know it. I'd be ranting and raving, about to beat the shit out of someone for some stupid thing and I'd look at you and you wouldn't have said anything, but you looked so disappointed. And that look was enough to stop me sometimes. Those kids never knew how much they owed you."

"I didn't know that," he said quietly. "I never realized my opinion mattered, or showed."

"I didn't want you to know. But yeah, it did. Sometimes I'd get furious at how much it mattered, and I'd deliberately do things to hurt you or piss you off, just to prove to myself that I could. But I always felt like crap afterwards. I could tell myself that it didn't matter until I was blue in the face, but I'd feel your disappointment and sadness rolling off you and it was even worse. Sometimes, when I was particularly stupid, it would be so bad that you'd stop talking to me. I don't think you did it deliberately. You probably didn't even realize you were doing it. You'd get all withdrawn and you'd only reply to questions, and even though you were right there I felt so damn lonely. The only thing I could do was to stop being a jerk for a while until eventually you came back to normal."

Jasper sighed. "Yeah, there were times when I really questioned my own sanity. I loved you. I had no doubt about that. And none of the things you did changed that. But I wondered what kind of a person could love someone who seemed to enjoy hurting people as much as you sometimes did. I really thought there was something wrong with me. Except that until Senior year you never really hurt me, so I justified it that way. That year, when you started to take your anger out on me too, it got even harder."

"I was so messed up then, Jasper. I was trying so damn hard to be what my father expected. Whatever feelings I had that told me what I was doing was wrong I took as a fault, a sign of weakness, and I did my best to shut them down. Whenever I had the urge to go easier on you than on the others, it scared me. I didn't even allow myself to consider the reason. And Senior year was the first time I realized I could lose you. No, that I was going to lose you, that it wasn't a question of if, but when. I assumed I had until graduation and then that summer all you could talk about was Peter, and that pissed me off so bad. I hadn't even met him, hadn't even seen his picture, and I hated him. And then you e-mailed a picture of the two of you, remember?"

I stopped. My hands were gripping the steering wheel so tightly my fingers were white, and my entire jaw was tight with stress. I glanced at him again and saw him watching me carefully, his brow furrowed with concern. I took a deep breath, wondering how to proceed. I didn't know if it was better to back pedal and sugarcoat or to be honest and get it all out at once.

"He's a good looking guy and you two looked so happy in that picture. As soon as I saw that, I hated him," I confessed, deciding that honesty was a better course. "You were with him, having fun, while I was miserable and alone in Forks. And that resentment and hatred just never went away. In truth, I may still hate him. I know it's not his fault. I know I'm being irrational. But if it hadn't been for him that summer fooling around with you and monopolizing your time, I never would have felt as threatened when you came back. I never would have shunned you. You never would have..." I stopped. I had been so close to taking the extrapolation too far.

"I never would have made plans with him in New York. I never would have met up with Rick. I never would have made the pact to find someone else. I never would have called James. Hell, I never would have even met James," he completed the extrapolation for me. "And if I'd never met James, I would have never compared you to him and we might have been able to work things out sooner and we could have been together all this time."

He sat in his seat silently, thoughtfully.

"But Edward, none of that was Peter's fault. He didn't want any of that to happen."

"I know. I know that, Jas. I know it's irrational. But I hated him then, and I as much as I know I should be over it, my mind just links him with everything that happened. I guess I've never really tried to untangle the chain."

"So if you saw him today, you wouldn't be able to separate him from these events you blame him for, even though they're not his fault?" he asked carefully.

I took a deep breath. "I'm sure I could be civil. But I don't know if I could ever see him without thinking of everything that happened. I mean, I would try, but I don't know. Why? Are you still friends?" I asked slowly, cautiously.

Jasper opened his mouth to respond, but his words died on his lips as his phone began to ring. He sent me a terrified look, and then pulled the phone out of his pocket. He took a quick look at the caller ID and put the phone to his ear.

"Lance, thank God. Did you get my message?"

I wanted to be able to watch him as he spoke, to read his expressions, but I had to content myself with listening and an occasional glance in his direction as I concentrated on driving.

"So did you see them? How are they?" There was still concern in his voice, but he seemed to take some comfort from speaking with his friend, the doctor.

"Okay, I'm glad to hear that. But can I get some details?"

Jasper seemed agitated, and became even more so as he listened to the voice on the other end of the line.

"I get that there are privacy laws and hospital rules, Lance," Jasper said, frowning, "but come on, you know how close we all are, and you know they'd want you to tell me. I swear I'll keep what you tell me in confidence. I'd never jeopardize your career."

There was another deep indistinguishable rumble from his phone, longer this time. The occasional expletives that slipped from Jasper's lips did nothing to calm me, and gripped the steering wheel even tighter than before. "Lance, straight up, what are his chances?" Jasper finally said. "I mean, is the worst over or... Fuck!...No, no, I know you are all doing everything you can. I'm so grateful that you were there tonight. I feel better knowing you were on the team. I just...I'm so fucking far away! It'll be hours before I can get there. I just want to be there for..." his voice broke for a moment, then restarted, "for Ross. How is he doing? Levi said his injuries weren't as bad?"

Another pause for more rumbled explanations. I knew there was no real reason to include me in this conversation, but I wished there was a way to hear the whole of it anyway. Even without actually knowing Jasper's friends, I was as nervous and worried for them as he was.

"Thank God! You're sure? They checked everything and that's it?" I heard Jasper's relief, and exhaled as well. Clearly he'd just gotten a bit of good news. "Oh, shit, I bet he hates that. But it's not like they would let him stay in ICU even if he was totally healthy, right? Are their parents there? Good. Between them and the guys they'll keep him calm until later."

Jasper stopped speaking again for another longer interjection from the man in New York.

"I know, Lance," he finally said, sounding contrite. "I've been meaning to reach out, but I've just been very busy lately. You know how it is...Yeah, and I appreciate that, but there just hasn't been a good time. Will you be at the hospital tonight? Maybe we can grab a coffee and talk?...I know...I know I do..."

I furrowed my brow. I didn't like Jasper's tone, the way he seemed to be apologizing to this doctor for some unnamed slight or oversight, especially if the slight was not keeping in touch lately, which is what it seemed. A good friend would have understood that Jasper had been busy, and would have been respectful of that. I had half a mind to take the phone from Jasper's hand and tell the guy to lay off, that Jasper had enough to worry about right now without worrying about someone's hurt feelings because they may not have been first on his speed dial.

I looked in his direction and saw that he was looking back at me, his face etched in worry lines. Feeling guilty, I consciously smoothed my expression. I had to remember that his life in New York, and the people in it, were his to deal with, and absent a compelling reason, it would be best if I didn't interfere.

"Okay, Lance. I'll be back in New York this evening, so I'll see you later. Thanks for filling me in. I'm gonna call Levi now and let him know I'm on my way back. Bye."

Jasper pressed the off button, but didn't immediately make another call. Instead, he leaned back into his seat and heaved a heavy sigh. Seeing that the road ahead stretched straight in front of me for a while, I took my right hand and placed it over his thigh, squeezing lightly just to let him know that I was there to support him if he needed it. He put his left hand over mine at first, and then slipped it under and intertwined our fingers.

"Thanks, Edward," he whispered. "This is so difficult. I wouldn't be able to get through it without you."

I didn't repeat my earlier speech, feeling it was unnecessary, simply accepting his gratitude instead.

"Dimi is out of surgery and stable, I guess, but still in ICU. They put him into an artificial coma of some sort, so that he won't do himself more damage by moving around. There is another surgery scheduled for tomorrow," Jasper's voice was dull, as if he were reciting the stock market report. I knew it was only a defense mechanism. I could sense how much tension was coiled in his body just by the way he held my hand. "Lance says they got him to the hospital on time, and that tomorrow is more corrective, but surgery is surgery and...Fuck, they don't keep you in the ICU if they're certain you're out of danger," his voice rose, almost in accusation. Then he turned towards me and relaxed again. "I'm sorry. It's just hard being so far away. I know I wouldn't be able to do anything even if I was there, but I sure as hell would feel better..."

"You'll be there as soon as possible," I tried to reassure him. "And he's got others there, right? I heard you mention families? And your friend Levi?"

"Oh, yeah, both their families are there, and a lot of our friends, I'm sure. You're right, Edward. I need to stop thinking about shit I can't do anything about."

"What about your other friend, Ross? How is he doing?"

Jasper took a deep breath. "He's fine. They're apparently keeping him overnight for observation too, though Lance said it's more to make sure he gets some rest, otherwise he'd spend the night in the waiting room or on some chair in ICU. He has a broken arm and needed some stitches, that's all. I'm so thankful for that, because I don't know what I'd do if both of them were in intensive care."

"You seem really close with these guys," I observed, wanting more information but not wanting to seem like I was prying.

"Yeah, we're very close. They're really great, always there for me when I need them, you know? And they're so in love, still, after so many years together. They just celebrated their sixth anniversary."

"So they're kind of like your Seth and Emmett, only together?" I asked, trying to place these men in a familiar context.

"Yeah, exactly. Well, not physically. But Ross is a lot like Seth, he won't hesitate to call me out or tell me the truth I refuse to see. And Dimi is more the jokester, but he'd give you his last dime if you needed it."

"I'm glad you have them in your life," I expressed my thoughts. I couldn't deny I felt a twinge of jealousy when Jasper described these men so fondly, but my concern for him overrode those feelings. It was good to know that he had people in his life who had his back when I wasn't around. Besides, this was a committed couple. They weren't a threat to me. "And your other friends?" it was a half-statement, half-question.

"They're all good guys. Felix is even bigger than Emmett and he's a bit of a leather bear, at least in appearance. He and Dimi have known each other forever, so he often goes out with the rest of us. All the twinks at the clubs love him and he humors them, though they're not exactly his type. A couple of weeks ago he met a pretty sexy otter, Anton, a stock broker no less, and the two of them have been spending a lot of time alone," Jasper who had been smiling as he relayed the story, suddenly frowned again. "Last night Felix was supposed to bring Anton to the club with him, to introduce him formally to everyone, but Levi said he got sick...He must feel horrible, especially since he can't even go to the hospital."

"Obviously what happened is not his fault."

"Of course it isn't," Jasper shook his head, "but he'll blame himself anyway. I'll have to make sure I stop by his place, too. That'll probably have to wait until tomorrow, though. I won't have time tonight."

He would have kept talking, but just then we saw the sign for the ferry terminal. Predictably, we had beaten all the other commuters here. One of the employees was just unlocking the gate that led to the waiting area as we pulled up. I waited for him to pull the gates open, then drove in and followed the signs to park the car first in line for the first ferry of the day. Jasper nodded when I asked if he wanted to stay in the car while I took care of the tickets.

"I'll call Levi and give him my travel information," he said.

I nodded and jogged out to the ticketing office. Since there was no one else there, it took no time at all to purchase our fare. In fact, Jasper was still on the phone when I returned to the car. I walked up to the passenger door and watched him wrap up the call when he saw me outside.

"What's up? Everything ok?" he asked when he opened the door.

"Yeah, everything is fine. We just have to wait for them to start boarding. We've been sitting in the car for a while and then you'll be in a car or plane all day, so I thought you might like to get out and stretch your legs while we wait," I suggested.

"Oh, sure, great idea," he agreed and unbuckled his seat belt before getting out of the car. He shut the door and I locked everything with my remote before taking his hand and leading him to a spot where we could lean on a bit of fence while looking over the water. When we stopped I pulled him into my arms for a tight hug, followed by a very slow, gentle kiss. He was so pliable in my arms, so yielding, so different from the man who took such charge of our lovemaking earlier, or even the man who allowed me to take back control but remained a strong and active participant. The contrast was stark, but while I loved both sides of him, this was the Jasper that was more familiar, the one I'd grown up with, sheltering and protecting him from harm. Back then the danger was usually more physical than emotional, or at least that's how I'd perceived it, but now he needed me on a whole different level. He needed me to be strong for him and to pass as much of that strength to him as I could, and this time I was determined to satisfy that need.

When we finally pulled apart he turned around and leaned against the fence. I stepped up behind him and put my arms around him, resting my chin on his shoulder as we both looked out on the water, shimmering darkly in the light from the ferry terminal.

"I really wanted to be there for Emmett's wedding," Jasper said, full of regret.

"You'll be with us in spirit. And there'll be pictures and video plus all of our memories. By the time we fill you in you will feel as though you were there. And everyone will understand, Jas. Your New York friends need you more right now."

"You know, I love New York, Edward. Really love it. I love my job, I love being able to see my dad whenever I want, I love my friends and even the constant hustle and bustle. But this, this violence," he shook his head.

"It could happen anywhere, Jas. Matthew Shepard didn't live in a large city. There are bigots everywhere you go. At least in New York there were good Samaritans who stepped in to help. Your friends may be alive because of them."

"That's true," he acknowledged. "But between this bashing and having to say goodbye to you, not knowing when I'll see you again...I need to go back, but I no longer want to go back the way I used to before."

"I don't want you to go back," I admitted. "I'd love nothing more than if you could stay here with us for good. I'd love to go to sleep next to you every night and wake up next to you every morning, and to be able to have dinner with Seth and Garrett and Emmett and Nasir during the week and think nothing of it. But I understand that right now that's not our reality. And look, it's not Emmett and Nasir's reality either, right? They're getting married, but right after Nasir has to go back to work in New York. So as much as I hate you having to go, I understand."

"Wow," he turned his head back to look at me. "You know, I completely forgot that Emmett and Nasir are in a similar situation. That's really horrible."

"It is, and I know they miss each other terribly, but they are making it work. And so will we. Until we can figure out something better, we will make this work. I know Nasir and Emmett plan to fly back and forth on weekends, we can do that too."

Jasper snorted. "Except you work weekends, remember? And half the time I do too. My damn work schedule is so unpredictable. And I took so much time off in recent months, I may not be able to do much of that for the rest of the year. Fall gets pretty hectic in the television world."

"Fortunately fall means a slow down for me, and I have a great boss, so I'll be able to fly out to see you more often. And you did invite me for a visit in the beginning of October, remember? I already have the tickets."

"Of course I remember. I suppose that's just a few weeks away," he turned back to look at the water. "I'm gonna miss you so damn much!"

Even though I could no longer see his face, I could hear the tears in his voice, and I knew that between the stress of the situation and the lack of sleep, he was reaching breaking point. I hugged him tighter and nuzzled his neck, whispering "I know, Jas, I'm going to miss you every bit as much. But we'll call and text and Skype and the time will fly by, you'll see. We've waited for years. What's a few short weeks?"

Fortunately he seemed to accept my words. I was glad, because I wasn't sure I believed them myself, and I sure as hell doubted I could come up with anything more convincing.

In the time we had been standing and talking, more cars arrived and lined up behind us, and the ferry terminal was starting to look alive. I glanced at my watch to confirm it would soon be time to board.

"We're going to have to get back in the car soon," I told him. "Turn around for one last kiss here?" He didn't hesitate for a moment, which made me feel so good. As soon as the request left my mouth he had twisted his body 180 degrees in my arms and had his lips pressed firmly against mine. This time the kiss felt a little desperate, but this was understandable. I, too, hated what getting on that ferry represented.

Of course the kiss could only delay the inevitable, not avert it, so we returned to the car and sat back inside.

"So you're sure you put everything you'll need in your carry-on? I'll ship the rest of the things to you like we always planned, but even if I shipped them today they won't get to you until tomorrow."

"Don't worry about shipping anything today. There's nothing in the rest of my luggage I can't live without until next week," he said and sighed. "I wish I could take something of yours with me. Something tangible that I could hold onto."

I glanced at my watch and then out. By my count we still had a few minutes before boarding. I unbuckled and stepped out of the car, walking to the back. I opened the rear door and rummaged through my bag until I found the shirt I wore for his arrival in Seattle. I quickly stuffed it into his carry-on bag and looked up. I noticed he was twisted in his seat, watching with an almost full smile.

"Your wish is my command," I told him with a grin. "Will a shirt do?"

"A shirt is great, Edward. Having something that has your scent, something I've seen you wearing, will really help. I just wish I didn't feel like such a perv admitting that."

"You know I, of all people, understand that," I said when I got back in the car. "And you're not a perv. Nor are we alone in doing stuff like this. There was a night before Seth's wedding when we were all there for dinner with his and Garrett's family and I got drunk, so Emmett offered to have me stay with him. Nasir was at his brother's wedding in the Emirates so we slept in their bed, but Emmett made me use a different pillow, so I wouldn't contaminate Nasir's scent with mine."

Jasper grinned at me "Really?"

I held up two fingers of my right hand in what I thought was a scout's salute. "Scout's honor." This made him laugh,

"Edward, I know you were never a boy scout."

I laughed with him.

"Ranger's honor, then," I conceded.

"Oh, I never made the connection. You are sort of like a boy scout now, aren't you?" Jasper teased. I merely shrugged. At that moment, we were signaled that it was time to pull the car onto the ferry. I started the engine and followed directions, pulling the car all the way forward, ensuring that we would also be the first passengers off the ferry on the other side. Although we were allowed to exit the vehicle and go up on deck to use the restroom or purchase food, practically speaking the crossing just didn't take enough time to bother, so we elected to stay in the car for the duration. We finished our now cold coffees and then held hands and talked about a time when we were younger, about 13, when my mom took us on a day trip to Victoria. We took the car ferry that time from Port Angeles, and loved hanging out on the deck during the trip. We both thought it was the coolest thing that we could take a boat to another country and still be able to drive around in our own car. Mom took us to the Imax theater and to the gardens, but the ferry crossings were by far the most exciting and memorable parts of the day.

"I love being able to do this with you again, on our own this time," I told him.

"Yeah, we'll have to find other reasons to take a car ferry the next time I visit."

"Well, one weekend we could drive out to Port Townsend and spend a night at my mom's Bed & Breakfast, then take the ferry to Whidbey Island the next day and do this drive again," I suggested.

"That would be fun," he became animated, almost enthused. "I've never been to Port Townsend. Is it a nice town?"

"It is. Lots of Victorian homes built for sea captains at the turn of the century. You'd like it. We'll have to figure out a good time to do that. I'll talk to Mom. I know she'd love to see you."

We talked some more about a future trip to Port Townsend and before we knew it the ferry was docking at the mainland terminal. I programmed the GPS to get us to Sea-Tac the fastest way possible, and we proceeded following the electronic directives. In the light of dawn and on bigger and more familiar roads, I no longer needed both of my hands on the wheel, so Jasper and I rested our elbows on the center console, our hands joined and fingers intertwined. I wanted to take his mind off what was happening in New York, so I started speculating about what Seth could possibly have planned for the wedding party get-together that required bathing suits in September, in Seattle. Anything and everything I could think of that would normally require bathing suits, I knew Seth would insist on us doing in the nude. I was completely stumped.

"Maybe he'll take you to a winery somewhere to stomp grapes," Jasper suggested, clearly pulling at straws himself. I considered the idea.

"Well, that's not the kind of thing anyone would let you do naked," I speculated, "and I suppose it might get your clothes very messy, if you were wearing a lot. And with all the wineries around here, that's actually not a bad guess."

"Great, now I'm going to have the image of all you guys in your swimsuits standing in a big tub and stomping together. If that's what it turns out to be, you'll have to take pictures!"

"If that's what it turns out to be, I've no doubt Seth's photographer friend and colleague, Dane, will be there with his camera at the ready. Seth would never let something like that go undocumented."

Jasper laughed, and then dissolved into a fit of giggles and chortles. I started laughing too, as much with the pleasure of hearing him carefree and happy as at the image itself.

Too soon we arrived at the airport. I hated the heavy feeling that settled in the pit of my stomach as I pulled into the garage and circled until I found an empty spot. I tried to hide my distress as I turned off the engine and we got out of the car. I retrieved Jasper's carry on from the back and set it on the ground. It was hard to look at him, knowing he would be gone soon, but I also didn't want to miss a second of my opportunity to see him and touch him. I pulled him into my arms and kissed him, keeping it chaste so as not to provoke another visit from the security guard. We kept it short and stepped apart when I knew we should, though long before I was ready to. I grabbed the handle of his bag to pull it despite his protest. With my free hand I took his and directed us to the elevators.

Despite the early hour, the airport was fairly busy. Fortunately, since Jasper wasn't checking any luggage, check in through the electronic kiosk was a breeze. With his boarding passes in hand, we first made sure security lines weren't unreasonably long, then searched out a place to sit and have our last breakfast together. We grabbed coffee and egg sandwiches and Jasper and I enjoyed our remaining minutes together as much as was possible under the circumstances.

I wanted to keep him with me longer. Hell, I didn't want to let him go at all. But I could tell from the way he was fidgeting and surreptitiously glancing at his watch that he would be uncomfortable until he was through security and sitting by the gate, ready to board as soon as the aircraft was available. So after we were done eating and drinking, I reluctantly suggested that he should probably go through security and offered to walk him to the line.

Jasper threw me a grateful look. "Thanks, Edward. It's not that I don't want to be here with you for as long as I can. It's just..."

"You don't have to explain. I get it. Let's go get you through the line so that you can breathe easier and not worry about any delays. I'll stay here for a while, until I'm sure you're up in the air."

"You don't have to do that, Edward. It's still such a long time 'till take-off. And besides, if anything goes wrong with this one, I'll just re-book onto another flight. I probably won't even come out of the gate area."

"All the same," I said stubbornly, and he knew my tone well enough to let it go. "Call me when you're on the plane, and then when you land in New York, all right? I don't know what I'll be doing later, but leave me a message if I don't pick up. I just want to know you got there safely." I remembered his fear of flying and glanced through the airport glass wall at the sky, which was overcast, but didn't look particularly alarming. I hoped the weather would hold up for him, not just here but throughout his flight.

Jasper put his hand to my face and gave me a look filled with tenderness before leaning in to give me a soft kiss. "You worry too much, Edward. I'll be fine. But I will call. Before we take off and when we land."

"Good," I approved, relieved that he didn't choose this moment to try to prove he could out-stubborn me.

"Enjoy the wedding and don't let the stuff that's happening in New York distract you from what you need to do here. You represent us, remember? Be the best groomsman you can be and make me proud," he commanded softly, half joking but half serious too.

"I will, Jas. For them and for you. And as soon as we have time, I'll tell you all about it."

"Sounds good, but now I have to go. I am going to miss you. I guess all we can do is remember that October is not that far away."

"Not far away at all," I confirmed with false confidence. "We made it through longer than that since Chicago. We'll be fine."

I could see he was torn. He wanted to get to the gate, but he clearly didn't want to leave me. It was somewhat gratifying and reassuring to know that this separation was going to be difficult for both of us. But now it was time for me to do what needed to be done.

"One last kiss and then you'd better get in that line, Jas," I told him." He looked a little taken aback, but then smiled as he realized what I was doing.

"We'd better make this one count, then," he said, his lips pulling up into a slight smile. "If it's the last one we'll have for weeks."

We did make it count, embracing and kissing as though we were in the terminal all by ourselves. Our lips caressed each other gently as love flowed between us. I held him firmly and closely, imbuing him with as much strength as I could, while at the same time memorizing the feel of the contour of his body up against mine. With every second we spent in that kiss, I wished for a thousand more. But we knew that couldn't be, so finally, after exchanging quiet "I love you"s, I released him and wordlessly pointed him to the line. He took the handle of the bag and pulled it behind him, periodically looking back over his shoulder. Each time I saw him look I waved him into the line, until he was there with people behind him, being propelled by the human current towards the security scanners. From my vantage point I could see him place the bag on the x-ray conveyor, extracting his toiletry kit and placing it in a gray tray along with the shoes he removed like the experienced traveler that he was. He answered the security questions then, pausing one last time to give me a wave, walked through the x-ray scanner himself.

Something about that scene triggered a memory and I remembered a dream I had about Jasper leaving me, at an airport, Peter waiting for him on the other side of security. Involuntarily, I looked to make sure there was no one there to meet Jasper, and then felt foolish when I, unsurprisingly, saw him alone. It was weird how this situation dragged up something from so very long ago, and I was angry at myself for letting me feel even a moment of uncertainty, when Jasper gave me no reason to doubt him. I should have known better than that. And I should have worked harder to get rid of all those idiotic feelings about Peter, blaming him for things that had nothing to do with him. I wished Jasper and I had had more time to talk about that, and about so many other things. With a start I realized that I still hadn't even told him about Maggie and the boys! I shook my head in self-disappointment, knowing that I didn't want to have that discussion over the phone, and would therefore have to wait to talk to him about my sister in October. It was all just a bad reminder of the physical distance between us and the challenges it posed. Somehow we'd have to work out a solution, and ideally sooner rather than later.

I barely had time to find a place to sit when my phone started ringing. I pulled it out of my pocket and smiled when I saw Jasper's number.

"You can't be boarded already," I mused, glancing over at the departures board which definitely was not flashing the boarding sign for his flight.

"I'm not even at the gate yet," he admitted, "but just because you can't be back here with me, doesn't mean we can't keep talking until they make me turn this thing off."

"You'll run down your battery," I cautioned lightly, though I was absolutely thrilled that he had thought to call me when I figured he would want to sit and think on his own.

"I'm flying first class. I'm sure they have outlets by the seats for me to plug in my charger. But I'll try to find a seat by an outlet at the gate just in case."

A few moments later he was seated and plugged in. At first, we didn't know quite what to talk about, so we discussed the people around us. Soon, though, Jasper said he wanted to go over our time together, and everything we did on our trip, so that he wouldn't forget any details. For the rest of his time in Seattle we did just that, separated by several hundred yards but still together in spirit. We didn't hang up until he was in his seat and the flight attendant announced it was time to turn off electronic devices.

I could easily have left then, but chose to linger instead, my eyes glued to the departures board. I watched as the status changed, and continue to watch until his flight disappeared from the board altogether. Only then did I get up and, with a heavy and lonely heart, made my way back to the car. A quick glance at my watch told me that it was still early, and I could have gone home to Covington before heading into the city to meet the rest of the guys at the Sorrento. I realized, however, that I didn't want to go home without Jasper. I knew I would have to do it, eventually, but I was not ready to be there without him yet, not when I had so looked forward to showing him my home while he was here on this trip. It was difficult to get over that disappointment, but I figured it would be easier to do it on neutral ground. There was also a chance that I might run into some of the guys at the hotel early, which would help take my mind off things. I didn't cry, but I might have wiped away with the back of my hand some moist perspiration that had gathered in the corners of my eyes before I started the engine and drove out of the parking garage, heading towards Seattle.