Chapter 36

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Chapter 36: Worn out places, worn out faces

Even before Zack asked Troy to move back in with him, the amount of time the boys spent together made it obvious that they were once again a couple, or at least well on the way to becoming one. Needless to say, I was thrilled. I wasn't happy that they went through the painful separation and break up, or that they now both had to forgive and forget each other's relations with other men, but at least now Troy was aware of the damage his insecurity could cause and both boys learned to communicate better and trust one another, lessons that would serve them well for a lifetime.

Considering Troy's previous paranoia about Zack hooking up with other men, I was surprised, though proud, that Troy seemed to genuinely take Zack's sexual relationship with Drew in stride. Despite the years that had gone by, I still couldn't think of Jasper with other men, the ones I knew about or the ones I imagined, without feeling intense possessiveness and jealousy. But Troy had a different and far healthier take on it.

"I'd already been with countless guys before Zack and I ever met, and then I cheated while we were still together. If he can overlook and forgive all that, I can't get hung up on a relationship he started after I broke up with him," he told me one night when I worked up enough guts to ask him about it. "It was all my fault that he was with Drew to begin with. I just wish I could take away that time Zack bottomed for the bastard, but even that ended up bringing us back together faster. And it doesn't hurt that Zacky says Drew was lousy in bed. In a way, it almost makes me feel better. Before, I worried that Zack would want to experiment to see what other guys were like. Now he has, and still wants to be with me, so I don't have to worry."

"I can't believe how much you've grown up in the last year, Leo," I told him. "You're smart to have figured all that out. I just hope I can be as mature when and if I ever find someone to be with."

Troy leaned back up against me, and I loosely wrapped my arm around his shoulder and chest. "I don't want to nag you like Maggie does, because I know how much you hate that," he said, turning his head to look up at me over his shoulder, "but I do wish you would find someone so you could be happy again, the way you were with Cliff."

"You know I would love that too, Leo. But I'm not sure a guy who will be able to handle all my baggage exists, and even if he does, I'm not sure I have the energy to try and find him."

"But what's the alternative?" Troy was alarmed. "You're just gonna fuck your way through life and always be alone?"

It was more of the same chorus I was hearing from all my friends, save Seth, who mercifully remained quiet despite having undergone the biggest attitude turnaround of all of us. He didn't preach. In fact, he most obligingly made sure to always hire a nice assortment of young, single and willing boys to help with his parties, almost as if he knew I'd stopped going to clubs, and was doing his part to make sure I didn't turn into a monk. But as convenient as it was to squeeze in a quick fuck or blow job during one of Seth and Garrett's many parties, even that small convenience was usually marred by the attitude I had to endure from my sister, who never hid her disapproval or missed an opportunity to remind me how I'd promised her I'd stop fucking Seth's help, which I actually didn't recall ever doing. The fact that finding me a boyfriend had turned into the quest for the holy grail for so many people in my life was really starting to chafe, and led me to consciously distance myself from them.

I tried spending more time with Roger and Yvonne and my other park ranger friends, and even my neighbor Diane. Unfortunately, my straight friends seemed almost as eager to see me paired up as my gay ones, so the relief I got from hanging out with them was short lived. Which is why the arrival of the fax from the head of North Cascades National Park that had Roger scowling, looked like a golden ticket to me.

"I can't believe they would ask someone to take a five-month assignment at Stehekin, of all places," Roger grumbled. "It's bad enough they're trying to poach staff from other parks, but to ask us to send one of our permanent employees into that environment for that long is ridiculous, unless we're looking for a way to make someone so unhappy they'll quit in order to avoid the post."

"What's the request?"

"The female ranger who had been permanently stationed up at Stehekin apparently got busy with her husband when he was home on military leave last fall, and now her doctor has ordered her to return to civilization for the remainder of her pregnancy."

"Return to civilization?" I asked, confused. "What do you mean?"

"Stehekin is the most remote community in the lower 48 states. The permanent year-round population is only about 100 people, though it does go up in the summer. There are no roads that lead up there – the only way to get there is over the mountains on foot, by boat or float plane. All food and supplies are brought in by boat from Chelan and all the garbage is brought out by boat, since there are no waste treatment facilities. The town is powered by their own local power plant and they only got cable and telephone line connections in the last couple of years, thanks to some government grants for hooking up remote communities. Had to use NPS land to do it, too, which pissed a lot of people off. But before that, the only contact between Stehekin and the outside world was via satellite phone, so I can't exactly begrudge them."

"If the town is so remote, why do we have rangers there at all?"

"Good question. The truth is, in the off season the permanent ranger has very little to do. But spring through fall there are some enterprising hikers and campers who go out there to see the Chelan Recreational Area or the North Cascades National Park. That gateway into the North Cascades is the least attended in all of the NPS system, but there are enough people using it to justify a permanent ranger and a few seasonals.

"Norah was the perfect ranger for a permanent position there. She's a bit of a loner and her husband is in the military, stationed overseas, so it's not like he cared where she lived. But now, with the baby coming, I guess her doctors want her closer to medical facilities, so she asked for re-assignment until a few months after the baby is born. Which means that North Cascades has to find a ranger willing to move out to Stehekin for 5 months and cover for her during the high season, with the help of the usual seasonals. Now, I ask you, who the hell wants to be sent to a place civilization forgot for 5 months, including the whole freakin' summer? It's bad enough that summer's the busy season, which leaves little enough time to spend with friends and family. To ask someone to just abandon their life for that long during that time is really too much."

"I'll do it," I said without hesitation.

"What?" Roger looked at me suspiciously.

"Think about it. I don't have any family that needs me here. And I could use a change of scenery. Really, I think this would be perfect."

"Edward, I don't think you understand. There are no gay clubs in Stehekin. There may not even be a bar in Stehekin. It's pretty much just wilderness as far as the eye can see. And it's damn far away from here. Nearly a whole day's drive and then a long boat ride. It's not exactly a place where a lot of people will be eager to come out and visit."

"Roger, I haven't been going to clubs for a while and I can drink at home, like I do most of the time now anyway. I would miss everyone here, but I love the wilderness and it is only five months. In the grand scheme of things that's a drop in the bucket. As busy as everyone I know is right now, l'll be back before anyone notices I was gone."

Roger was skeptical, but when I insisted he called the head of the North Cascades park and told him his search was over. I did some more research, including a long call with the park ranger who was taking temporary leave, to find out exactly what I would need during my stay. Then I went shopping. Mostly I stocked up on my favorite beer and other food staples, since it didn't seem like I'd have a lot of time for grocery shopping. I upgraded my camping gear, fully intending to use it on the few days I would have off, and I bought a new Canon EOS 7D camera to take pictures of all the new sights. My biggest purchase was an Audi Q5. I splurged for the optioned out Prestige package model with black leather and ash wood accented interior and a Meteor Gray Pearl finish exterior. Although my Volvo held a lot of sentimental value, mostly owing to what happened between Jasper and me in the back seat, it was getting old and it wasn't ideal for mountain roads. I considered purchasing a hybrid, but was discouraged by the long wait times. The Audi offered great safety features and performance, with decent fuel efficiency for a cross-over vehicle, and I could get it before I had to drive across the Cascades at what would be the tail end of winter driving season. Since I couldn't quite bring myself to get rid of the Volvo altogether, instead of trading it in I placed it in long-term storage. Then I loaded up my laptop hard drive with music, movies and e-books to serve as entertainment, and I was set to go.

I shared my plans with everyone at the very last minute, figuring they would try to discourage me if they knew sooner. As I suspected, Maggie was the most concerned, though she tried to disguise her own feelings by pointing out how difficult the separation would be for Liam and Owen. That was actually the biggest fear for me as well. Five months wasn't a very long time for me, but it very much was for Liam and even more so for Owen. I had been spoiled by all the regular contact with the boys, and I hated having to miss any important milestones in their lives. But I also felt I needed this time away by myself. I had to see how I would do without anyone there to coddle and support me. And where better to do that than in a place where just about the only entertainment was communing with Nature? So I made Maggie promise to Skype with me often and e-mail me daily with updates on the kids, packed up the car and left for Stehekin.

The drive up along highway 2 was beautiful. I enjoyed traveling through the Snohomish River Valley and then climbing up into the mountains as temperatures dropped and conditions began to resemble winter on my way past Skykomish, the last all-season community on the west side of the North Cascades, and then over Steven's pass. Since it was already April, the road conditions, even at the highest elevations, were not bad enough for mandatory chains, and with my all-wheel drive and all-season tires I only needed to slow down to accommodate the weather as I drove over the pass and then back down the East side of the Cascades towards the foothills and the cute self-manufactured "Bavarian" village of Leavenworth, where I stopped to grab a bite to eat. I continued along the Columbia river valley until, at the lower end of the 55 mile long, narrow lake Chelan, I reached the town of the same name that served as a starting off point for boat access into Stehekin.

I had no problems traveling by myself, but as I took in the beauty all around me I couldn't help wishing that I could have shared my enjoyment of it all with Jasper. Even as I drove, I fantasized about what this new assignment would be like if I could somehow manage to convince him to forgive me and come to Stehekin with me. I could not imagine a better way to rediscover everything about each other than to spend 5 months completely removed from everyone and everything we knew, with nothing but time to really learn who we both were and to rekindle the feelings we once had for each other that never went away for me, and that I desperately hoped were still there for him. I knew it was a foolish fantasy. After all, even if we reconnected at some point, he had a life and career in New York that he would not be able to abandon for five months in order to humor my obsession with him and nature. But since the whole point of fantasies was to imagine the impossible, I didn't allow my awareness of reality to interfere with the utopia of my dreams.

I spent the night in Chelan, driving up to the dock early the following day to have all of my belongings loaded up onto the Lady Express, a high speed passenger boat that served as a shuttle between Stehekin and Chelan. After all of my freight was loaded I dropped off the car at the private garage that I had rented for the duration of my stay and returned to the dock to board the vessel along with the other passengers. I had read about the lake and topography, but nothing prepared me for the beauty of the trip, marred only by patches of hillsides that once must have been covered by stunning forests, but were now just evidence of destruction caused during past fire seasons. As the resident park ranger, I knew one of my most important duties would be to educate every camper about the importance of observing fire safety and any restrictions put into place during the dry summer months to prevent further damage to these beautiful landscapes.

As we had pre-arranged, Norah greeted me at the Stehekin dock. I loaded up my provisions into her NPS vehicle and she drove me first to the ranger station, where our limited off-season hours required us to man the station while the shuttle from Chelan was in port, and then to the ranger quarters that would serve as my home away from home for the next five months.

"I know people think of this post as an equivalent of exile to Siberia or something," she said, "but I really love it up here and wish I didn't have to leave. Still, this isn't the best location for medical emergencies, and this time any emergency would involve more than just me, so I'm following doctor's orders. I'll be back, though," she promised. "This is a fabulous community and it will make a great place for me to raise my kid, at least until my husband is permanently back in the States. Then we'll probably be assigned to a base somewhere, hopefully close to a national park where I can continue working. The joys of being a military spouse," she said with a small laugh and a roll of her eyes. "Well, it's not like I didn't know what I was signing up for when I married him, and life with the person you love sometimes requires compromises. At least I get to enjoy this while he is overseas."

Norah stayed for a couple more days, filling me in on my duties and showing me around the park. While there were no roads leading to Stehekin, there were roads in the town leading up to certain portions of the park, so the NPS had vehicles that made this task easier, especially for a woman well into her pregnancy. By the end of the week I was reasonably comfortable with everything I needed to do, and that weekend I helped Norah load up her stuff onto the Lady Express for her trip back to Chelan.

"Take good care of my park, Cullen," she yelled at me from the boat as it pulled away from the dock.

"Don't worry, I'll be a good steward. When you come back everything will be just the same, as though you never left," I yelled back.

My time in Stehekin turned out to be amazing. Norah had introduced me to all the locals while she was still in town, and I found them to be a close-knit, welcoming bunch, who were very accepting of me as the temporary substitute ranger. I was almost surprised at how quickly and easily I adjusted to the Stehekin pace and way of life. Ranger duties took up the majority of my time and I highly valued my time alone as well, but I still socialized with the locals over coffee and freshly baked goods at the Stehekin Pastry Company and at an occasional town function. I worked up new interpretative walks and lectures and familiarized myself with the hiking and biking tours I would be expected to lead. I also prepared arts and crafts programs for kids, thinking about my nephews the entire time. If they had been a little older, I might have tried to talk Maggie and Rosalie into letting the boys come up for a visit, but as it was they were much too young and a bit too much for me to handle, not to mention they probably would have been homesick within a couple of days.

I did plenty of hiking on the pretext of getting to know the park, and that time was more valuable than gold. I never felt more carefree than when I got to experience nature's beauty first-hand, and while this place was different than my mountain, it had its own unique charm. At times I would reach a certain point on a trail where I would just stop and sit and contemplate how much easier my life would be if I could stay here indefinitely, just me and my thoughts, with no outside pressures and expectations. I was still lonely at times, but it was somehow easier to feel that way when anyone else in the same situation would feel the same, than to experience that awful isolation while surrounded by friends and family, as I too often had in Seattle. My only regret was that I hadn't been able to bring Remmy with me. Since there were a lot of predators in Stehekin who preyed on animals his size I didn't want to risk having him run away and end up some larger critter's lunch, so I gratefully took Diane up on her offer to board him for me while I was gone. He got along with Samson and Delilah, so I knew he would have a good time, a fact Diane confirmed each time I called to check up on him. She even sent me video proof on occasion. I didn't begrudge him and I knew I made the right decision for me, but in the evenings and at night I missed his comforting presence.

In the beginning of May I was joined by one of the seasonals. His name was Rufus and he was a widower and a retired science teacher, who referred to his summer stints in the national parks as paid vacations. This was his first summer in Stehekin, but instead of being upset at the remoteness of the park, Rufus was thrilled to finally find a post where he could enjoy himself in the wilderness without being constantly interrupted by visits from his children and grandchildren.

"Don't get me wrong," he said, "I love them all, but ever since my wife passed they treat me like some precious egg, won't leave me alone for more than a few weeks. I think they have a rotating schedule or something. You should have seen how beside themselves they were when I told them where I was going this summer. It was a miracle they didn't all have a collective heart attack. But I told them I would not under any circumstances turn down this job, so in the end they relented. And now I'm far enough away to finally get some peace and quiet."

I loved his attitude, and Rufus and I got along great. We occasionally got together in the evenings to watch a TV show or play a game of cards, but mostly we respected each other's need for space, which was exactly what we both wanted.

The second seasonal, Janet, was a grad student and joined us after memorial day. She was very gregarious and I wondered if a summer stint in such a remote location, with two guys who could not have been less interested in keeping her company, was going to cause a problem. Fortunately, she quickly struck up a friendship and more with the kid hired to drive Stehekin's Rainbow Falls tour bus, and subsequently we hardly ever saw her in the off hours. Since she was otherwise a perfectly pleasant and efficient employee, this suited everyone involved just fine.

Throughout the summer I kept in touch with everyone back home in the evenings via Skype. I probably enjoyed my conversations with Liam the most, because he was the only one that was genuinely interested in the park and the different animals I saw on a nearly daily basis. He was a little disappointed when I told him I would not be able to bring him back a real live bear cub as a souvenir, but thankfully the promise of a life-size plush cub appeased him. Owen wasn't quite up to conversation yet, plus my work hours didn't really let me call during the day, when he was most active, but my inventive sister figured out a way to affix her wireless webcam to some sort of a headband that she wore while speaking to me so that I could watch his daily bedtime routine as they went through it. I was upset that I'd completely missed his first steps, and really worried that the five months would be too long for him to remember me, but Maggie assured me that she and Liam told Owen about uncle Edward every day. She even printed up a book of various pictures of me, either by myself or with the boys, that she looked over with both of the boys almost every night.

"They miss you a lot, Edward," she told me. "And the rest of us miss you too. I called Yvonne and told her she's very lucky I like her and Roger as much as I do, or else he sure would get it for agreeing to send you on this stupid assignment."

"Mags, we've been through this. I was the perfect person to come here, and I was absolutely fine with it."

"Just because you don't have kids and aren't married doesn't mean that you should be sent into exile to some backwater park no one's ever heard of," Maggie fumed.

"Mags, it's beautiful here and I love it. I'm really doing all right. I know you're worried about me, but you're just stressing out needlessly. This is good for me, and you and Rose deserve a break from me too. Don't you get tired of your brother hanging around all the time?"

"Have you ever heard us complain? But all right. I'll leave well enough alone. Just don't do this again, okay? Like it or not, we do worry about you. And I, for one, hate the thought of you out there all alone. Please tell me that at least you're taking care of yourself."

I rolled my eyes, but answered anyway, even though this wasn't the first time she'd asked me.

"I'm eating three meals a day, Maggie, and I work nearly every day, so I have a beer or two after work at most, if that. I'm fine," I stressed. "Please don't make a bigger deal out of this than it is."

"Okay," she finally relented, that time. It certainly wasn't the last of these conversations over the course of my assignment.

It was almost fortunate that when I left Emmett and Nasir were still in their honeymoon stage after moving in together, so Emmett really didn't have time to worry about me and why I'd decided to abandon my life for five months. Seth just gave me his typical squinty eyed look without saying anything, which of course meant that he didn't need me to tell him what was going on inside my head. In fact, he nearly went one step beyond Maggie and came very close to having Garrett charter a float plane to bring the four guys out to see me. Only my honest description of the extremely rustic nature of the lodging and dining choices available in Stehekin finally convinced him to abandon his plans.

"Just make sure you're back here in September as planned," he warned, as if I'd threatened to do otherwise.

I didn't quite get away with keeping my little North Cascades slice of life separate from everything else. Despite my discouragement, Zack and Troy were absolutely determined to visit me. After a few tries I ran out of excuses to give them and agreed to let them come, promising them an overnight camping weekend at one of my favorite sites. Zack and Troy were just as excited about spending a night together in the great outdoors as Cliff and I had been, so I knew their time with me that weekend would be kept to a minimum. They drove in from Spokane, where they had been visiting Bruce and Tyrone, and since there was no way for them to arrive in time to take the express boat, I chartered them a float plane. They arrived at the dock nearly giddy with excitement, yammering away about how cool the flight had been and how much great stuff they saw from the air. Although I'd been apprehensive about their visit, their reaction completely disarmed me and actually made me nostalgic for Seattle and Covington. Saturday was a regular work day for me, so I gave them a map to the campground as well as the camping gear and sent them off with instructions to set up their camp site so that it would be ready for the night. They returned when they were done and, after I finished my shift, we had dinner together at my quarters. I specifically did not want them to have any food at the site, since just about the last thing I felt like doing was instructing them about bear safety or worrying about them having a close encounter of the wild nature kind. Instead, I told them to meet me in town in the morning so that we could have breakfast at the Stehekin Landing Lodge before I started my Sunday shift. Afterwards they could break down the camp and come see me at the ranger station before it was time for them to leave on the last boat to Chelan. It was a great plan and, for the most part, it went off without a hitch. At least it did until we finished dinner and Troy and Zack timidly said they had something to tell me. They were so hesitant, I became a little worried, which was probably a good thing, because that was the only circumstance under which I could have been relieved, rather than disappointed, at their news.

"We've thought and talked about it for a long time, Edward, and we spoke with my mom and Leo's dads and they understand," Zack started.

"Understand what?" I asked warily. This sounded like the end of something, but the boys certainly hadn't given any indication that anything was wrong between them. Still, based on their tentative behavior, I braced myself for the worst.

"The thing is, Zack never really wanted to go to UW," Troy broke in. "He only chose that school because that's where I thought I wanted to go. He's always wanted to go to Berkeley."

"Okay," I was starting to catch on, but I waited for one of them to confirm my assumption.

"I figured after two years there was no point in thinking about it, but then I met this professor who was in town for a symposium and he's working on a project that is exactly what I want to study. We started talking and he said he'd love to have me on his project team. So I talked to Leo and he encouraged me to explore the possibilities, and after looking into it more it turns out I can transfer without losing too many credits," he paused, as if not wanting to be the one to deliver the final and most important piece of news. He looked to Troy for help. I looked from one boy to another, willing either one of them to tell me what I already knew was coming. I watched their silent communication as they seemed to reach an accord and Troy spoke again.

"Zack's parents worked out a way to pay for it and he got accepted, so we're moving to California next month."

I nodded, knowing exactly what I needed to say, regardless of what I was feeling. "Congratulations, Zack. I'm really happy you found a way to pursue your dreams. And what about you, Leo? What about your job?" Since joining on as a part time apprentice in January, Leo had been promoted to full time employee and he seemed to really like his boss and his job. I certainly understood his willingness to give up the job and move for Zack's sake, but I worried that doing so would place him in a vulnerable position, especially if Zack was busy working on some project, and this time Leo would have no family or friends around for support.

"Louie said he wished I wasn't going, and he told me I'll always have a job if I decide to come back, but he understands that I have to go where Zack goes. He contacted some friends and put me in touch with the owner of a similar security business in Berkely. I already talked to him and he has an opening, so I will have a job when I go. And in addition to the normal vacation time, which isn't much, he said he'll let me take a couple of unpaid weeks so I can come home with Zack to Washington sometimes for longer breaks. We won't be able to come back for the summers, though," He looked at Zack regretfully and made a face.

"It's okay, Leo," Zack patted his hand reassuringly. "I probably won't even want to come home for the summers, except to visit. I'll be busy working on the project with the team or researching. Besides, California is much better than Seattle. Why would I choose to come here over staying there?"

"Will you be close to Brad and Stig?" I asked, trying to keep the envy out of my voice. It wasn't easy accepting the fact that the boys would no longer be nearby and would not be able to stop by for dinner, or help me babysit Liam and Owen, or just hang out. Since I moved away right as they had really gotten back together, I haven't had a chance to enjoy that for nearly a year, and now I might never have the opportunity again.

"They're in San Francisco and we'll be in Berkeley, so we'll see them on occasion, but probably not that often," Troy explained. "And of course we hope you'll come out to visit. We'll miss you! You and everyone else. You will come, right?"

"Sure, Leo. I'll come out. Probably in the off season, when it's easier to get time off. I've never actually been to San Francisco. I'll come out after you boys settle in, so you can show me all the hot spots and the sights. I bet you'll have a steady stream of visitors. You should get a place with two bedrooms. Do you need any help?"

"No," Troy answered, somewhat indignantly. "I make enough for us to afford a decent apartment. Maybe not too big, but we'll make sure visitors have somewhere to stay. Thanks anyway," he added, as if realizing that he might have come off as ungrateful. I had to smile, noticing how proud Leo was that he could pay their living expenses out of his earnings. I knew Leo's job actually paid fairly well, but I'd heard real estate and rentals in the San Francisco area were expensive. Hopefully near the university they would be able to find something affordable. It would be a great ego boost for Leo to be the family provider, at least while his boyfriend was still in school.

"I'm sorry I'm taking Leo away from you and the rest of his family," Zack said. "I know this will make it a lot harder for you to see each other. But I only have two years until graduation and then, hopefully, I'll get a job somewhere in Seattle.

"You don't have to apologize, Zacky. I'm sorry you felt you couldn't go to your first choice school right from the start because of me. This is important to you so it's important to me. It's my choice to go with you," Troy reassured him.

"Leo's right, Zack," I seconded. "Your needs are important too, and as long as the two of you are in agreement, the rest of us really shouldn't matter. Besides, we all just want you two to be happy. As long as you have that, everything else will fall into place. And like I said before, I'm sure you'll have a steady stream of visitors. You won't have time to miss us. Now, not that I want to get rid of you or anything, but it is getting late and I know you were looking forward to that night out camping. So do you boys want to stick around here for a while, or do you want me to give you a lift to the camp site?"

They elected to hang out with me for a bit longer, and I didn't protest, even though it was a work night for me. This was, after all, our last evening together for possibly a very long time. It was pretty late into the night when I finally drove them to the camp site and walked them to their tent, making sure via a couple of powerful lanterns that everything was set up correctly. I left them with an admonition not to do anything I wouldn't do, which made them both laugh, and directions for how to make their way down in the morning to meet me for breakfast. I had no idea if they would actually wake up in time for breakfast, since I assumed they were up much later than me, but they surprised me by showing up on time, according to plan. We ate and continued the rest of the day's activities as we had previously discussed, except that I did take a little time out of my shift to see them off at the boat dock. I exchanged hearty hugs with both of them, assured them once again that I fully intended to visit once they had settled in, and they were off for the boat trip to Chelan, where they would pick up their car and drive back to Seattle.

I continued to keep up with all the latest news from home via Skype, so I knew all the boys' plans, including the outcome of their visit to Berkeley, where Brad and Stig helped them find an apartment, and the exact day Moose and Emmett helped them pack up their stuff into a rented U-Haul so they could set off for their new home. I also knew that they arrived safely and Troy even gave me a Skype tour of their new place. They were excited and while I was on the videoconferences I acted excited as well, but when we terminated the connection my manufactured excitement faded almost immediately, replaced with a stoic melancholy, which was more typical of my emotional state in Stehekin. I might have gotten downright depressed, if it wasn't for an irate park visitor who came into the ranger station on his way back from a long weekend camping with his wife, to report that they ran into two naked hikers at the higher elevations. While the hikers did not threaten them in any way, the man complained that there was no reason why unsuspecting people should be subjected to that kind of public indecency, even in a place as remote as Stehekin. I knew who was causing the problem as soon as he spat out his outrage. A few days earlier I'd issued a camping permit and assigned a spot at one of the more remote campgrounds to Mitch & Teddy, a couple of boys who very clearly played on my team. They were pleasant, and we talked briefly as they filled out their permit applications. Figuring they might have a propensity to get loud at night, I deliberately steered others away from that small campsite, but clearly that had not been enough. I apologized to the disturbed camper and assured him I would handle the issue personally. I left Rufus and Janet to handle things at the station while I went up to investigate. I only hoped the boys would cooperate, so all I'd have to do is issue a warning.

I drove up as far as the road allowed, then hiked out toward their campground on foot, reaching it well before dinner. The camp was empty, but instead of trying to find the boys I just settled in and waited, figuring they would return soon for their evening meal. Sure enough, the two came walking down the trail right as I expected, wearing nothing but their backpacks, hiking socks and boots, and carrying long walking sticks.

"Look, Teddy, it's Ranger Cullen," said Mitch, the taller one, with shoulder length loosely curled dark brown hair that looked like it had plenty of product in it to keep it tamed. He didn't seem at all surprised to see me, nor did he seem at all bothered to be in my presence completely unclothed. "Hello, Edward. Welcome to our humble campground. We were hoping you'd come out for a visit."

"Guys, come on," I stood up and spread out my hands in a helpless gesture. "I know we're in a remote part of the United States, but it is still the United States. This is not a clothing optional park. Naked hiking is not only prohibited, it's also unsafe. There's all sorts of wildlife and insects out here that you don't want anywhere near your privates. And you were seen by a couple who filed a report with us. This time I'll just issue you a warning. From now on, though, put some shorts on when you leave the tent, all right? If I have to come up here again, I'll have to ask you to leave the park and issue a citation."

"But Ranger, the reason why we let those two see us was precisely because we hoped they would send you up for a visit. You see, we would like you to come up here, again and again," Mitch smiled while he spoke suggestively.

"What?" I asked, confused. I had been under the impression that these two were a couple, out here to spend some quality time communing with nature and one another. The hiker's tone, however, definitely implied that they were interested in me in more than my official capacity. "Aren't you two together?"

"Oh, very much so," Mitch replied, while the sandy-haired Teddy reached over to take his hand and looked up at him adoringly. "But we very much believe that a couple who plays together, stays together. Every once in a while we find a boy who is just irresistible and we invite him to join us for a bit of fun. And you are, by far, the most delectable boy we have met in a very long time. So what do you say?"

I shifted in place uncomfortably. I knew I should have issued a rapid denial, repeated the warning, and returned to my vehicle. I'd had a few offers like this in Seattle, and none had ever interested me in the slightest. But looking at these two guys, both extremely hot in just their boots and backpacks, I actually found myself considering my options. It didn't help that these guys looked good enough to tempt a saint, much less someone who'd spent three and a half months with just his hand for company. Still, I had enough wits about me to realize this wasn't the greatest idea. Engaging in sexual relations with park guests during working hours was one of the fastest ways I could think of to lose the job I loved so much.

"Thanks for the offer. It's very flattering, but that's really not my kind of thing, so I'll just leave you guys to yourselves," I declined as politely as I could. "Just please, put some shorts on next time, so that you can enjoy your vacation in peace and I don't have to eject you from the park."

"Not your kind of thing?" the Mitch asked as he stepped forward and ran his hand up the short sleeve of my shirt to squeeze my bicep. I stood my ground, despite the slight discomfort I was starting to feel standing so close to another nude, gay, handsome, and apparently quite willing guy. "Have you ever tried it?"

"No," I admitted, "But I don't need to try frogs' legs either to know they're not my thing," I grabbed his hand and removed it.

"Ah, but frogs' legs are actually quite tasty. You're needlessly depriving yourself of quite a delicacy. And you'd be doing the same thing here if you just went back down to your ranger station. Why don't you stay for dinner at least? You can get to know us and you might change your mind. I promise if you still want to leave after we eat, we won't try to stop you. On the other hand, if you'd like to be our dinner..."

I stared at him, admiring his forthright, slightly aggressive attitude. This attitude, however, also signaled that he and I had similar interests in bed, which most likely meant that I would not be the best candidate for what he was contemplating. The few times I'd been asked to participate in threesomes, the other two boys had either been versatile, and clearly expected the same from the third, or it had been initiated by a bottom who was looking for another companion for his top. I figured the circumstances here were similar, only the top was doing his own hunting.

"Thanks, again, but I don't bottom," I explained, deciding to be as direct as he was. The reaction to my announcement, however, was the opposite of what I expected. There was a satisfied glint in Mitch's eyes and Teddy gasped, then looked down shyly when his partner and I turned to look at him, finding him semi-hard already. I would have looked away if it wasn't for the fact that, while only slightly better than average in the looks department above the waist, he was very well appointed otherwise.

"Come here, Teddy," Mitch held out his hand, which the smaller hiker eagerly took as he stepped forward towards me, looking up at me through long lashes that matched the color of his hair. "Teddy and I have been together for nearly four years now, but before that Teddy was quite the boy around town and it took a bit of convincing to persuade him to settle down with me. In fact, it took us figuring out that as long as we were both in agreement, we could, from time to time, find another top to play with. It has to be someone I enjoy looking at and playing with too, so that sharing is more fun, but I have no interest in being fucked or fucking anyone other than Teddy. I only have a few rules of play. We both have to agree on the partner. We both have to participate. Any penetration is with a condom. And the most important rule: Teddy's cum is reserved for me and mine for him. Other than that, we all do whatever makes everyone comfortable and nothing more."

I stared at him, slightly taken aback. He'd explained the rules so easily and efficiently it was obvious this was nothing new and that he was perfectly comfortable with the arrangement he and his partner had settled on. His matter-of-fact attitude about inviting other men to fuck his partner as long as his conditions were met was shocking. I could not in a million years imagine sharing the man I loved with a third guy. Maybe it was all those years of growing up thinking I was straight, but I still very much believed in the sanctity of the committed relationship. I was so very glad that this type of arrangement wasn't part of Seth and Garrett's relationship. Still, if this was what added the required spice to Ted and Mitch's relationship, who was I to judge? The only question remaining was if I wanted to take part.

"Please, Edward," Ted said quietly, his voice soft but somehow still lust filled and seductive. "I promise you won't regret it. Mitch and I will make you feel really, really good," he reached for my crotch as he spoke and stroked my hardening cock through the fabric of my uniform shorts. My resolve was weakening as his touch had exactly the effect he wanted. Mitchel stepped closer and reached for the back of my neck, gripping it lightly but enough to keep me from moving away as he lowered his lips to the left side of my jaw, licking my skin there, then moving down to my neck. Without moving his right hand off my cock, Teddy stepped in and mirrored Mitch's actions on the other side of my face. It felt good. So good I couldn't help the sigh that escaped my lips as my head fell back to give them better access to my neck.

"Do you prefer we use your first name?" Mitch purred smoothly. "Or do you want us to keep calling you Ranger?"

"Edward," I groaned as I felt Teddy unbuttoning my shirt and lowering his lips to my chest. This felt too good and I quickly mentally calculated that I was probably already off the clock. Either way, I was ready to take the risk. "But guys, someone may see us out here. If we're going to do this, we should go inside the tent."

"By all means, Edward. Let's make you comfortable inside the tent," Mitch agreed, pulling me towards their sleeping quarters. Teddy, now separated from my cock, moved quickly ahead of us to take off his backpack and unzip the tent flaps. He took my hand from Mitch's and pulled me inside as Mitch took off his backpack and followed. The tent was only tall enough for us to stand up at the center ridge, so we ended up on our knees on the double air mattress and fully opened sleeping bags that served as their bed. Teddy nimbly unbuttoned and pushed off my shirt while Mitch removed first my hiking boots and socks, then his partners and, lastly, his own. By the time he was done, Teddy had unbuttoned and unzipped my shorts and pushed them down to my knees, along with the boxer briefs I wore beneath. We were both hard now, and both let out a low groan and he moved forward on his knees and pressed himself fully against me, rolling his hips so that our erections rubbed against one another. Behind him, Mitch spread his legs a bit wider and moved forward as well, sandwiching Teddy between us. His arms were long enough so that he could wrap them around both of us, grasping my hips as he started to thrust against Teddy's ass, with Teddy forced to then move against me.

"Does this feel good, Bear Cub?" Mitch asked Teddy. "Is this what you wanted?"

"Oh yes," Teddy moaned, throwing his head back against Mitch's shoulder and turning it for his lover to kiss him passionately. The open display of affection sobered me a little, and I started to feel like the intruder that I was. Although I was still hard, a condition difficult to eliminate after months of self-imposed celibacy, my second thoughts prompted me to try and pull away. Mitch sensed the movement and tightened his grip on my hips, forcing me to remain where I was as he broke their kiss.

"We mustn’t neglect our guest, Cub," he said. "He still seems a bit reluctant. Let's convince him to stay, shall we?"

"It's all right, really," I pronounced. "You two seem to be doing just fine. I'm just gonna..." I didn't get to finish my thought as Teddy turned back to me and silenced me with a kiss. He moved his lips against me and parted them, running his tongue over my mouth but passively, not seeking entry. I closed my eyes at the delicious sensation. I very rarely kissed tricks, and it had been so long I couldn't even remember when I had done it last, so his soft, undemanding lips on mine felt so good I couldn't have pulled away if I tried. I noticed that Mitch was no longer holding my hips and I wondered in passing what he was doing, but without enough interest to actually open my eyes to see. I wrapped my arms around Teddy and deepened the kiss, pushing my tongue inside his mouth and exploring it fully. I was vaguely aware of Mitch moving up behind me, but he didn't get close enough to make me uncomfortable. A few moments later I felt his broad tongue lick the back of my neck and move down to my shoulders and shoulder blades, then down my spine and around my lower back, thoroughly covering every inch of my exposed skin. As if on cue, Teddy broke our kiss and began to lick my neck and chest, covering my front as diligently as Mitch was covering my back. I let my arms fall to my sides and allowed the two men explore my body from both sides. As Teddy lowered his head to lick and suck at my nipples, I felt Mitch's slick hand grasp my cock at the base and begin to gently stroke.

"I think we were very lucky to have found Edward, Cub. He's even better without his clothes on. We're going to have an incredible time."

I wanted to answer, but only managed to mumble something incoherent, overwhelmed by the pleasure coming at me from multiple directions. Mitch was licking and gently biting my ass now while continuing to languidly stroke my stiff pole, as Teddy moved to my stomach and over my hips.

"Lie down, Edward," Teddy encouraged with a push to my shoulders. Mitch released me and moved back so I could fall to my side and roll onto my back. "Perfect," he added as both of them descended to lick my hips, thighs, and down each leg to the tops of my feet, where their lips briefly left my body and I felt them kiss each other over me. Then they were reversing their course and moving back up my legs, finally meeting at the juncture, each of them lapping at my stones and then sucking them into their mouths until they half kissed again with my sac between them. I'd never felt anything like it before, and my hips bucked of their own accord until they both placed a restraining hand on either side of me and held me down. After gently suckling my balls for a while, they both moved to my cock and licked their way up to my head, once again kissing with me between them. I could feel the precum seeping copiously out of my slit and felt them both lick and swallow, which only brought me closer to orgasm.

"Guys, maybe you should slow down," I gasped. "It's been a while and this feels too good."

"Slow down?" Mitch chuckled. "Why? We have plenty of time. You might as well take advantage of us while we're here."

They split up, Teddy moving back up to suck my nipples while Mitch took my entire length down his throat. I tried to hold off as hard as I could. I really did my best to stave off my release. But the sensation of being engulfed by a warm, slick, tight tunnel was too much. Teddy gently bit on my nipple while Mitch swallowed around me and I was done.

"Shit," I cursed, giving Mitch just enough warning to pull off until he was sucking just my head and a few inches of my shaft. "Fuuuck!" a cry ripped from my throat and my whole body convulsed with the force of the orgasm as my seed spilled into his waiting mouth. He swallowed once, and continued to caress my dick with his tongue as I kept spurting. Within moments Teddy joined him, and for a few seconds Mitch's mouth was replaced by his hand as he and Teddy shared a kiss, during which I knew Mitch was also sharing my cum with his lover. Then I felt another set of lips and mouth sliding down over my rod, and gently siphoning out my remaining cream. My body stilled and I just lay back, breathing heavily, and feeling like a total jackass for coming so quickly, like a Goddamn inexperienced teenager.

"I'm really sorry. This is not how I usually perform," I tried to explain. Mitch and Teddy moved up to lay on either side of me, running their hands over my midsection. Teddy leaned over me and kissed me, inviting my tongue in again. This time, when I acquiesced, I tasted myself inside his mouth.

"Don't worry about it, Edward. Remember when we first came into the ranger station for our permits and the three of us talked? You told us then that this was a 5 month assignment and that you were up here alone," Mitch reminded me. "We figured all that time with probably not a single gay man in sight, you were bound to be too keyed up to last long the first time. It's not a problem. That was just an appetizer, and a delicious one at that. Wasn't it, Teddy?"

"Hmmm," Teddy hummed around my tongue in response. I grabbed him around the back of his neck and pulled him closer to kiss him harder. I wouldn't be ready to go for a while yet, but that didn't mean that I was incapable of making them feel good. I did, after all, have fully functional hands and mouth.

As if he could read my mind, Mitch moved to kneel by my head. "Are you interested in more than kissing and fucking, Edward?" he asked, rubbing his hard cock first against my cheek, then his partner's. I let go of Teddy's neck to respond and he immediately turned his head in an effort to capture the other man's dick. Anticipating this move, Mitch pulled his hips back. "It's not your turn, Teddy," he admonished. "You'll get to finish me off. Edward can get me started. If you'd like," he added for my benefit. Instead of answering, I followed Teddy's lead, turning my head in an effort to catch Mitch's erection. This time, instead of moving back, he thrust right between my waiting lips. Teddy whined in wordless complaint.

"Why don't you work on Edward, Cub. He'll need a little help before he's ready to fuck you. And if we arrange ourselves right, I will get you ready for him at the same time."

It was like a well-orchestrated dance. The two of them knew exactly what to do and how to position themselves. I needed only to turn to lie on my left side as they arranged their bodies beside me. At Mitch's suggestion, Teddy immediately switched his body orientation so that his face was between my legs while he was curled to my left in a near fetal position, except that he lifted his right leg to provide his partner with easy access. From where I lay, I had a perfect vantage point of his impressive hard on and balls that were still somewhat loose in their sac. Understanding the plan, I continued to suck Mitch's hard rod, just barely holding him between my lips as he rotated his body so that he too was lying on his left side to the left of me. I watched him rub his free right hand along Teddy's raised leg from the knee down the thigh to the hip, before grabbing the other man's buttock and squeezing it roughly. Teddy moaned and began covering my balls with slow, easy strokes of his tongue. Despite having just come, Teddy's attention and the general erotic nature of the position caused my heart rate to quicken and blood to return to my cock. Without thinking, I started moving my lips up and down along the pole lodged in my mouth. Mitch was fairly average in length and girth, so I knew I would have no trouble handling him, even in this position.

Although my vision was obscured by Mitch's swollen testicles as I continued to suck him, I felt the slight change in his frame and knew something was going on when Teddy moaned loudly around one of my eggs, which he had been sucking gently but persistently.

"Oh, yeah, Mitch," The smaller man sighed as he released my testicle. "That's it, Baby. Eat my ass!"

I teased Mitch with my lips and tongue as I continued to listen to Teddy's excited moans and sighs. A minute later I felt the sandy haired man grip my cock and pull it into his mouth. I gasped, then moaned around Mitch, who in turn out let out his own groan of pleasure. In no time we left all words behind and the tent turned into a concert hall filled with a symphony of groans, moans, gasps and sighs as the three of us brought each other closer and closer to the point of no return.

Mitch pulled away from Teddy first, something I knew only when he announced "We'd better stop, Bear Cub. You're getting pretty close."

"I know," Teddy confirmed, letting my now very fully erect dick fall out of his mouth. "I can't help it. You know how much I love when you fuck me with your tongue."

"I know, Teddy, but wouldn't you rather Edward and I fill that sweet ass of yours with something harder and longer? Is Edward ready? Do you wanna go for a ride."

I released Mitch's member to listen to their conversation, which I figured was as much for my benefit as their own. I didn't need to be told to lay back and wasn't at all surprised when I felt Teddy rise up and straddle my hips with his back to me. I saw Mitch roll over to the side of the mattress and reach out for the lube and condoms. He handed me the lube and pushed Teddy to all fours. Without the need for any further communication I coated my fingers with the lube and reached for Teddy's ass. Mitch had already partially slicked and stretched his opening, so I encountered little resistance as I began to fuck him first with one finger, then two. Ordinarily I would have paid special attention to his prostate, but cognizant of Mitch's warning that Teddy was getting too close, I did not follow my typical, more considerate pattern. Even so, the way Teddy pressed his ass back into my fingers and the sounds he made throughout made it clear that he was not complaining.

While I was preparing his partner, Mitch prepared me, slipping a condom onto my erection and making sure that it was well coated with lube. "You have a gorgeous big cock, Edward," he whispered in my ear as I continued to finger fuck the excited bottom. "Teddy is going to love riding you. Just let him do all the work for now and take our lead. We know what we're doing and we'll make sure this will be as good for you as it will be for us." He leaned down and captured my mouth in a hard, passionate kiss, so that the only way I could answer was to nod in agreement. Without breaking our kiss, Mitch pulled my hand away from Teddy, who shifted back and grasped my cock, positioning it at his entrance. Even this external contact felt incredible, a sensation that was magnified tenfold as he began to lower himself onto me with deliberate and controlled movement.

"Ugh. Edward! You feel so good!" Teddy exclaimed. I could only moan into Mitch's mouth in response. Meanwhile, Teddy rose and slowly sank down on me again.

"Mitch, Baby, I need you too. Please!" Teddy continued.

"Follow our lead and enjoy," Mitch reminded me as he broke our kiss and rose to stand in the center of the tent in front of his lover. As Teddy continued to ride me, Mitch shoved his meat into Teddy's mouth and began to thrust. The smaller man's groans got louder as each of his open and willing holes was stuffed with hard cocks. He grabbed the back of Mitch's thigh for leverage with his left hand and stroked himself with his right. Mitch grabbed his head with both hands and began to fuck his face in earnest, on occasion pausing to hold Teddy in place as his bone lodged in his partner's throat. For his part, Teddy seemed to love taking Mitch deep the most, and only hummed contentedly as his lover held him firmly in place, releasing him only when the other man needed to take a breath.

"Is this what you wanted?" Mitch asked in a demanding tone. "Do you like getting your ass and mouth filled at the same time?" Teddy tried to moan his excited affirmation, but Mitch had another idea. He pulled his hard member out and moved his right hand to firmly grip his partner's chin, forcing him to look up. "Are you ready for my cum? Do you want me to come right now?"

"No!" The bottom protested. "I want you inside me. Let me ride your cock too! Please, Mitch."

Mitch took a while to respond as he stood above Teddy, stroking his cock right above his partner's face, but evading all of Teddy's efforts to suck him again despite the bottom's pleas, almost as if he was trying to punish the other man for voicing his desire. The smaller man continued to ride me, but his pace was slower now while he begged for his lover's cock, in whatever manner Mitch was willing to give it. I moved my head and body slightly so that I could watch everything over Teddy's shoulders, and I actually began to wonder if Mitch was going to deny the requests altogether, when he finally spoke. "You beg so beautifully, Teddy. I love that. I love how much you want my cock. It's right here for you, Cub. Stick out your tongue."

Teddy obeyed and I watched Mitch position the head of his dick right above Teddy's waiting tongue and slap himself against it softly several times before giving himself a hard stroke that coaxed a good amount of precum out of his moist slit. The clear liquid dripped from the head almost as if in slow motion, the thin strand momentarily connecting the head and tongue before Teddy broke the connection, following Mitch's instruction to swallow the offering.

"Keep riding Edward while I get ready," Mitch directed, lowering himself to the mattress and reaching for the condoms and lube. With a soft sigh of relief, Teddy followed the instructions, continuing to move up and down on my spike, increasing the tempo once again. He leaned forward, bracing his hands on my thighs, and cried out in pleasure. I knew the changed angle would result in the head of my cock brushing against his prostate with every thrust, but I trusted him to know when he needed to slow down or pull back. I brought my hands to the smooth, tanned globes of his ass, enjoying not just the feel of his warm skin, but also the complete lack of color delineation that on someone with his coloring could only come from spending a lot of time outdoors in the nude.

The feeling of being encased in his ass, surrounded by the warm walls of his tunnel, was absolutely incredible. In the three and a half months I'd spent in Stehekin taking matters into my own hands, I'd almost forgotten how amazing this sensation really was. It was only the fact that Mitch and Teddy sucked me off earlier that allowed me to maintain some measure of self-control now and hold off my orgasm, waiting for the next cue from Mitch.

The other top had finished his preparations and lay down beside me. As soon as he did, Teddy sank all the way down on my cock, sat back upright and turned to look at me over his shoulder. "Time to change horses for a while," he said, his voice slightly apologetic.

I smiled at him to let him know that I was fine with what he was about to do. "Go get 'im, cowboy," I said, slapping his rump in encouragement. He lifted himself off me slowly, drawing out the pleasure, then surprised me by bouncing on my cock a few more times before pulling off completely. I expected him to immediately mount Mitch, but he turned and kissed me very sweetly, if briefly. "That felt really good, Edward," he told me quietly. "And we're not done with you yet," he added, his voice full of promise. Only then did he move to straddle his partner's body, this time facing the man beneath him. Mitch, who had been stroking himself while waiting for Teddy, now held up his engorged member as his lover positioned himself above it and sank down in one smooth motion. "Oooh!" "ugh" the two men cried out simultaneously as they were finally joined. "That's it, Mitch. That's where you belong. Fuck me hard, Baby," Teddy urged.

Mitch reached up to pinch and twist the other man's nipples. "You want it hard?" He asked aggressively.

"Hard and fast, Baby. You know what I like," Teddy confirmed.

Mitch lifted his hips, throwing the smaller man forward onto the top's chest. Their mouths met in a hard, hungry kiss as Mitch bent his knees, planting his feet flat for leverage. He gripped Teddy's hips tightly and began to thrust into him hard and fast, as Teddy requested. The bottom's moans were muffled by Mitch's mouth, but not muted completely. And possibility of me going soft as a result of a lack of attention was completely offset by the extremely erotic scene unfolding before me. Mitch fucked Teddy with wild abandon, his lover wearing an expression of pure bliss. It seemed like they had forgotten all about me, and as hot as the show was I couldn't just lay back and watch, doing nothing. I was about to pull of my condom and start jerking myself off when Mitch turned his head towards me.

"Not yet," he ordered, slowing down his rhythm. "Join us."

"Where do you want me?" I asked, unsure of what he meant.

"Lube up again and then get behind Teddy and join us. He loves taking two cocks at once. Tell him, Cub."

"Please join us, Edward," Teddy turned towards me and echoed his lover. "I want you both to fuck me at the same time."

I arched my brow and, though I wouldn't have thought it possible, I could swear my dick hardened and lengthened at the thought. I'd seen this kind of thing in porn, of course, but never imagined I would be a participant in this type of a scenario. I scrambled for the lube and coated the condom with it liberally. Then I rose to a half-squat behind Teddy and poured some more lube near his opening and onto Mitch's condom-clad dick, which continued to pump in and out of Teddy's ass. I took my rod in hand and moved the head to the very top of Teddy's opening. Mitch stopped moving, giving me the opportunity to slowly press my head against the muscle of Teddy's entrance which, though already stretched, needed even more elasticity to accommodate my erection. I pressed forward, but stopped when I encountered resistance, not wanting to cause him pain.

"It's okay, Edward," Teddy assured, looking back at me. "Just push it in. It feels good. I've done it before."

I accepted his statement at face value. I couldn't imagine how taking so much cock wouldn't be painful, but he was the one that asked for it so I had to believe him. I positioned myself once again and pressed, this time pushing against the initial resistance until I was inside him. And holy fuck! The sensations was unreal. Teddy panted as I pushed forward, feeling him nearly all around me except for where I was sliding against Mitch's hard cock and cum tube, until I was all the way in.

"That's perfect, Edward," Teddy huffed. "Now move."

I didn't really want to move - just being inside him, sharing the space with another man, was blowing my mind. I didn't know how much more I could take. But they asked me to join them for a reason, and not wanting to disappoint them, I pulled back until I was nearly all the way out, and thrust in again, slowly. I gasped when my head was in deep enough to slide past Mitch's. My nerve endings were on sensory overload, even though the condom. I could only imagine what this would have felt like if Mitch and I were both barebacking.

"Again, Edward. Faster," Teddy coached softly. I looked past him to see Mitch watching me from below. He arched his eyebrow at me, as if he was wondering when I would start acting like the top he knew I could be, and then winked. I released the air out of my lungs loudly, took a deep breath, gripped Teddy's shoulders with both hands and began to move. I moved steadily and purposefully, slowly at first but faster with each thrust, until I was fucking him almost as hard and fast as Mitch had been. The other top had also started to move again, creating that much more contact for all of us. Once again the sounds of our heated, animalistic intercourse reverberated off the tent walls, and the air was thick with pheromones and lust. Teddy's moans got louder and louder, until he finally cried out, almost desperately, "I'm gonna come!"

"Hold up, Cub, wait for me. Just a moment," Mitch said urgently. I felt him pulling out of Teddy as he slid down the mattress between our legs until his face was in perfect position for him to swallow Teddy's cock. I continued to pump in and out of Teddy's ass, knowing that now with each thrust I was also shoving Teddy's dick deeper into Mitch's mouth and throat. The groans of the man below us told me he didn't mind in the slightest. The bottom began to tremble beneath me, and then he let out a hoarse cry as the walls of his ass began to spasm around me. Recognizing that Mitch was now likely swallowing mouthfuls of cum, I slowed down, not wanting to choke him. It was a good thing, because Teddy's ass tightening around my cock almost sent me over the edge as well, as any additional friction surely would.

"Now you, Mitch. Get up here," Teddy panted after he apparently finished coming. Mitch pushed himself back up the mattress, so that his cock was directly below Teddy's mouth. When he cleared our legs, he spread his wide and leaned back on his arms.

"Keep going, but don't come in my ass. I don't want to waste it," Teddy ordered over his shoulder before lowering his head to take Mitch's dick into his mouth. Undoubtedly sensing his man was revved up and ready to blow, he began bobbing his head without any preliminaries. As he directed, I continued to fuck Teddy, matching my pace to his. Without Mitch sharing the space, the tunnel was considerably less constricting, but as arousing as everything else was around me, it didn't make that much difference. I had been turned on for too long to be able to hold my own orgasm off much longer, and I really hoped Mitch was in the same state. He had thrown his head back as Teddy sucked him, so I couldn't see his face for any hint of how close he was to the edge. Nevertheless, I got my answer after another minute of Teddy's aggressive sucking, as Mitch gave out a harsh yell and fell back onto his elbows. Teddy stopped bobbing and just held Mitch's throbbing shaft in his mouth, bringing his hand to the base of Mitch's cock to stroke him slowly and gently. Feeling entirely overheated, I pulled out of Teddy and fell back on the mattress myself, wrapping my thumb and middle finger tightly around the base of my cock and balls to keep myself from coming.

I closed my eyes, but I couldn't turn off my hearing, and even though he was quiet, I could still hear Teddy move to kiss Mitch and tell him he tasted delicious, Mitch responding in kind and whispering how much he loved his Teddy Bear Cub. I was breathing hard, waiting for something to happen, hoping it would happen sooner rather than later. I relaxed my makeshift cock ring, as the tender conversation between the two men had a rather cooling effect. Witnessing their loving interaction reminded me of how long it's been since I'd lost that kind of a relationship with Cliff, and how I'd never even had it with Jasper. Fortunately, before I had too much time to wallow, I felt a pair of hands reaching to remove the condom.

"We're sorry, Edward," Teddy cooed. "We didn't mean to ignore you like that. Poor baby. Here, let us make it all better."

My cock, which had detumesced a bit during the interlude, sprang right back to life as it was pulled between Teddy's lips. He sucked me expertly, and that felt incredible enough, but then everything intensified as I felt Mitch's tongue on my balls.

"Shit!" I exclaimed at the onslaught of sensation. Little did I know they were just getting started. Teddy bobbed up and down on my rod, taking me deeper and deeper. Mitch caressed my eggs with his tongue and lips until I felt them tightening and retracting to the base of my swollen shaft. Then he lifted one of my legs and moved his mouth lower, sliding his tongue over my perineum and down to my tight opening. This was definitely not part of my usual tricking ritual, but knowing Mitch was aware of my limits and had just come himself made me feel comfortable enough not to try to resist and just to accept the pleasure he was offering. And what pleasure it was, especially when combined with Teddy's attentions. Mitch circled his tongue around my opening as his lover took me in balls deep into his throat. My entire body was on fire and my muscles trembled as though someone was using me as a conduit for electricity. I felt the orgasm building deep inside me, the sensation growing and growing until I didn't think it could grow anymore. That's when I felt Mitch enter me with his tongue as his partner flicked his tongue rapidly against my frenulum, and the dam inside me burst. I tensed for a moment and then released, feeling my dick convulse as my jizz flooded Teddy's mouth. He moaned and swallowed, then sucked me gently for another shot of my ejaculate. As before, I felt Mitch move up to kiss him and I knew they were sharing my cum. Then someone was sucking me again and teasing my balls, but I was too weak from the force of this second and yet more intense orgasm to lift up my head and see who was doing what. I took deep, ragged breaths through my wide open mouth, trying to slow my accelerated heart rate, even as Mitch and Teddy continued to suck and milk my cock of its creamy essence.

A few minutes later, after they had apparently decided that I had nothing left to give, Mitch and Teddy moved up to lay beside me, just as they had after the first time they made me come.

"So," Mitch teased as Teddy nuzzled my neck and Adam's apple, "are you ready to give frogs' legs a shot?"

"I don't know about that," I said, "but you two are incredible. I am thoroughly and completely spent. I don't know how the fuck I'm going to make it back into town."

"Don't go," Mitch said simply. "At least not yet. The dinner invitation still stands, and we'd love for you to spend the night."

The way I felt, thoroughly exhausted but also more relaxed than I'd been in weeks if not months, I knew I could fall asleep right there if I just let myself close my eyes. I tried to think of what exactly was wrong with me staying up here with them for a while, or even the whole night, but absolutely nothing came to mind. My shift was long over and I was sure Rufus or Janet could handle things at the station even if I didn't make it into town on time the next day. I looked from Mitch to Teddy "Are you guys sure you wouldn't rather be alone?"

"We're sure we'd like you to stay," Teddy said simply.

"All right," I conceded. "Let me just radio the other rangers so they know what's going on."

Teddy scrambled for my shorts, where I had clipped my portable radio. I took the radio and pressed the button, calling for Rufus. When he came on the line I told him that I issued a warning to the hikers and that I would be back in town the next day. "Hope you can handle Little Miss Sunshine by yourself tonight." I told him. He chuckled and assured me that he would do exactly that before signing off.

"It's just the nickname we gave our fellow ranger," I explained when Mitch gave me a quizzical look as I reaffixed the radio onto my belt. In fact, it was no such thing. Little Miss Sunshine was the code phrase Rufus, Janet and I agreed to use to signal that everything was going well whenever one of us had to go out into the park by ourselves. Since this portion of the park was extremely isolated, yet possible to hike into on foot from one of the towns at the bottom of the lake, there were times when certain unsavory characters had the idea to use it as their haven. We hadn't had any trouble all summer, but the code phrases were a necessary precaution nevertheless. Our S.O.S. code phrase was any reference to Woody Woodpecker.

With Rufus taken care of, the three of us decided that a nap was a great idea. Teddy pulled their backpacks into the tent, zipped up the flaps, and the three of us curled up together, with Teddy in the middle. I slept like a rock, only waking when Teddy gently shook me later to tell me food was ready. The boys were fortunate that there had not been a complete drought that season, so open flames were still permitted for cooking purposes in the park. Mitch had prepared a simple meal of canned potatoes, peas and carrots and beef stew, which he made more interesting by adding his own special spice mix. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed not just the normally unappetizing canned food, but also the company and conversation. Over dinner I found out that Mitch and Teddy were both nurses in the same hospital in Boulder. Mitch was a surgical nurse while Teddy worked in the intensive care unit. Teddy had grown up in Colorado, and started his career in Boulder. Mitch was a transplant from Kansas City, who moved to Boulder five years before to be closer to the Rocky Mountains. The two of them hit it off from the moment they met but, like Garrett and Seth, Mitch had to work hard to convince Teddy to cut back on clubbing and dating in order to focus on their relationship.

"I didn't make it easy for him," Teddy admitted, "But he persevered, and I'm glad he did. We found an arrangement that works perfectly for us. Until I met him, I didn't really believe in love, only lust and physical attraction. But I fell in love with Mitch and, even though I know it sounds trite, I love him more every day." He leaned against his partner's shoulder and Mitch wrapped his arm around his partner.

"What about you, Edward? There must be a reason why a good looking guy like you, in his sexual prime, would accept a five month assignment in a place like this. Bad break up? Crazy stalker of an ex?"

I laughed. "No, nothing like that. I just volunteered because I had no one holding me to Seattle, and it made more sense for me to come out here than someone with a family. I haven't had a boyfriend in over 2 years. When I need sex I just go out and pick up a trick - you know how it is."

Teddy nodded, but Mitch looked at me with a raised eyebrow. "You don't have to answer, of course, but I'm curious so I have to ask. What went so wrong in your last relationship that you don't want to have another one? Or are you still pining for the ex?"

I laughed bitterly. "Actually, the reason my last relationship failed was because my first relationship failed and I couldn't stop thinking about that ex. Still can't. I just figure it's easier to avoid the strings now. That way no one's hurt and disappointed when I don't have enough to give."

Mitch nodded in understanding and Teddy reached for my hand with a sympathetic look.

"I think it's very noble that you know your limitations and are trying not to hurt anyone, but you seem to be hurting yourself in the process. No offence, but it doesn't seem like you're happy by yourself. Even if you don't want to start a relationship with another boyfriend, have you ever considered something less traditional?" he asked.

I furrowed my brow in confusion.

"Mitch and I, we have a total emotional commitment, but sexually we give ourselves room to play, just to let off a little steam, spice things up. Some people, I think you included, don't understand that, but it works for us. It sounds like you might need something like that on an emotional level. What if you found not just one but two other partners? That way you wouldn't need to give all of yourself - the third partner could pick up the slack, so to speak?"

I stared at him for a moment, dumbfounded. This thought would have never even occurred to me, though it was intriguing. But as quickly as I considered the notion, I dismissed it too. I certainly didn't know of any such arrangements and even if I did, I could not imagine anything even remotely like it fitting into my circle of friends and family. My poor mom. It was hard enough for her to find out her son was homosexual. How the hell would I explain living a lifestyle that was alternative even within my own alternative community. Besides, how would I even approach anyone with this idea? I shook my head.

"That's a really interesting thought, Teddy, but I really can't see it working for me. My friends and family, well...," I hesitated. "They're all happy couples. I don't know how willing they would be to welcome a triple into their midst, even if I could find willing partners, which I think would be a long shot."

"It probably would be a little difficult at first," Teddy conceded. "But if they love you, wouldn't they understand?"

I shook my head again.

"Honestly, I'm not sure I'd understand. I guess I'm just too traditional."

"I get that," Mitch offered, "but that's not the only option. You said all your friends and family were coupled up. I can see how that would drive a single guy like you nuts, especially if you're not ready to be in another relationship. It sounds like what you need is to make some new single friends and develop a network of fuck buddies. You know, friends with occasional benefits. Have several, so if one gets into a relationship there are others to fill his place. It's not as good as a real relationship, but you get more out of them than tricks and you don't have to make as much of an emotional investment."

"That's a great idea, Mitch!" Teddy exclaimed enthusiastically. "A perfect solution. Too bad you don't live in Boulder," he added. "You could add us to your fuck buddy network," he said with a wink.

I looked at him, surprised, then to Mitch, to make sure he wasn't offended. Mitch saw my concern and laughed.

"Don't worry, Edward. Teddy and I both feel the same way about that. You were a fantastic third. While you were sleeping, we talked about what a shame it is you don't live closer. I suppose that means we just have to make the best of the time we have together here," he said suggestively. "Let's clean up and retire to the tent for the night."

We placed the food and food garbage in bear-proof containers and tied them up high away from the campsite as we were supposed to before we retreated into the tent for still more lovemaking. I left them early the following morning, completely satisfied, with another admonition to keep their shorts on when they were outside the tent.

"We'll do that, Edward, as long as you come back up here to visit us willingly tonight, and don't force us to resort to extreme measures."

I laughed, but I went back that night, and the next few nights, and the boys made each and every encounter as exciting as the first. We were all sorry when it was time for them to pack up and head back home. We exchanged contact information and promised to keep in touch, and definitely to call each other if we were ever planning a visit to each other's home towns.

The remainder of my time in Stehekin was uneventful. I spent more time than ever talking and e-mailing with Nasir, who had taken upon himself to organize an anniversary trip for Seth and Garrett. He needed a local's advice on who to contact and where to go, but for obvious reasons could not rely on his partner. If Emmett knew anything about this surprise, Seth would soon know it too, so it was critical for Nasir to keep his partner in the dark. I looked back to the time I helped Amelia organize the events for Cliff's graduation weekend, and happily shared all I knew with Nasir. In the end, he decided to arrange for a dinner and overnight stay for Seth, Garrett and their closest friends and family at a lodge in the winery region just outside Seattle, and even hired a party bus to take them there. Of course he wanted me to go too, but I told him I would still be working in Stehekin. It was a lie. My last day was actually the Wednesday before that weekend, but having gained a modicum of peace in my five months of solitude in the North Cascades, being thrown back in amongst happy couples celebrating the anniversary of the one friend I had who I was sure would never be in a permanent relationship felt like a full frontal assault. I decided that rather than participate in the group event. I would take Seth and Garrett out for a special dinner the following week, where I could congratulate and celebrate with them in a more private and less stressful setting. In the meantime, instead of going home as soon as my stint in Stehekin was done, I would take a few more days off and spend a little time with Bruce and Tyrone. My time with Teddy and Mitch gave me an idea, and I was eager to talk it out with Tyrone and get his advice.

True to her word, Norah arrived in Stehekin two days before my last day there, a beautiful baby girl wrapped snugly in her arms. Norah was a little surprised when I expertly took little Bianca into my arms and took care of her as Norah settled back into her quarters, but a simple explanation about Liam and Owen calmed any doubts she may have held about my ability to handle babies. I used the two overlapping days we had to fill her in on what happened in the park while she was gone and to introduce her to Rufus, who would be staying on until October. Then it was time for Norah to hand over Bianca to the local woman who would be providing child-care while Norah worked, and for Norah to return to her full time duties as the boat crew loaded my stuff onto the Lady Express for a return trip to Chelan. It was a bittersweet moment for me. I had missed my friends and family, not to mention Remmy, and would be very glad to see them all again, But Stehekin had been a very special place and I hoped to return there in the not too distant future, even if it wasn't as a park ranger.

When we reached Chelan I retrieved my car from storage, loaded it up with my things and drove east towards Spokane. Bruce and Tyrone were expecting me and, as usual, Bruce cooked some of his fabulous dishes. Throughout dinner I regaled them with stories from my summer in Stehekin, though I did not tell them about Mitch and Ted, preferring to save that story for my private conversation with Tyrone, feeling that somehow he would be more accepting of their more unusual lifestyle choice than Bruce.

Since I was tired from the trip and it was a work night for Bruce and Tyrone, that talk didn't happen until the following day, when Tyrone scheduled an afternoon off just to spend more time with me. His concern for me was touching, and I was most appreciative of the gesture. I made us lunch and after we ate we settled into a couple of comfortable rocking arm chairs on the patio. Only then did Tyrone turn to me and asked me what was wrong.

"Nothing's wrong," I replied, surprised by his more direct than usual approach.

"Edward, you voluntarily chose to spend five months in virtual solitary confinement and now, instead of settling in back at your own house, you're here chatting with me. Not that I mind. You know you are always welcome here. But the fact remains, Son, you're running away from something. What is it?"

I shrugged helplessly. "It's nothing new, Tyrone. I guess that's the problem. When I'm home I feel like life moves on for everyone else except me. They've all found partners, they're all happy, and I'm happy for them. But I'm still alone, and when I'm with them I feel like I have to put on a smile, because no one wants to hang out with a downer. Sometimes it's just too much. I went to Stehekin because I knew there, for five months, I wouldn't have to pretend. It was a relief, Tyrone. It felt good to just be able to feel whatever way I felt without anyone worrying about me or trying to fix me."

"It's natural for people who love you to worry about you and want to help you, Edward," Tyrone pointed out the obvious.

"I know it is. I don't blame them for it. It's just they don't seem to understand and I've never been able to explain it well enough. I can't stop thinking about Jasper. Everywhere I look there are reminders of him. Hell, nearly everyone I know is a reminder of him. Every time Emmett or Seth talks to him I get another dose of information that keeps me tied to him, but I'm not strong enough to stop asking. And it's not that I didn't think about him in Stehekin, but it was different. I mean, it wasn't all memories and I didn't think about him all the time. I know it sounds strange," I said, running my hand through my hair, frustrated by my inability to articulate what I was feeling.

"There's nothing unusual about wanting to leave a place filled with painful memories. I did exactly that after I came out and lost Stephen. But it was easier for me. I was moving away from nothing but bad memories. If you leave Seattle, you'll leave the bad memories behind, but also a lot of good, caring, loving people. Your mom, sister, nephews, friends... Before you make that kind of decision you should be sure that the benefits of leaving would really outweigh the cost of being apart from your loved ones."

"Zack and Leo left loved ones and friends behind to move to California," I pointed out. "This would be no different."

"Zack and Leo left to move towards something that was important to them. You would be leaving to get away. That is a difference. There is no guarantee that wherever you move to would be better for you than Seattle."

"No guarantee," I admitted, "but at least there's hope. I ran into these guys in Stehekin. They had a suggestion." I told Tyrone all about my time with Ted and Mitch, and their idea of a fuck buddy network.

"It's not a bad suggestion," Tyrone conceded. "Certainly better than picking up random guys. Why couldn't you implement it in Seattle, though? It's a major metropolitan area, certainly large enough for you to make some single friends."

I sighed.

"Seattle's a large city, but it can be very small. Everyone knows Seth and he's in everyone's business. Even if someone doesn't know him or me from the start, it would only take about 15 minutes for that to change. If I made any gay friends, I would be expected to integrate them into the group. I still keep a bit of a separation between my gay and straight friends, but even that line has been blurring. I just feel like in Seattle I'm always Edward Cullen, Maggie's brother, or Edward Cullen, Seth's friend, or Edward Cullen, Park Ranger. I'm never just me. There's no anonymity there. When I was with Mitch and Ted, they knew nothing about me I didn't tell them myself, and I liked it. Maybe moving to a new city, where I would be forced to make some new friends on my own, would be good for me? And it's not like I could never go back to Seattle. Hell, I'd even keep the house so I could visit any time."

Tyrone was silent for a moment, contemplating his response.

"What about your job? You love working on the mountain. Are there any other big, gay-friendly cities where you could still be a park ranger?"

He had zeroed in on the weak point of my plan. There really weren't many places for me to move where I could have a job I really loved.

"Actually, Boulder is a good option. It's close to Rocky Mountain National Park and I already know a couple of people there. I would just have to wait until a position became available."

Tyrone sat forward and gave me a sharp glance. "Is there more going on between you and these two boys than you're telling me?"

"No," I shook my head in denial. "It just what I said. It was nice to make friends with people who don't know my entire history or my other friends. And I think if I moved near them, we could continue to be friends."

"With benefits?"

"On occasion," I shrugged. "Nothing heavy or permanent. But Tyrone, sex with the two of them was great. As long as I'm single and available, I'd be an idiot to turn down an invitation for another round."

Tyrone leaned back in his chair and thought again.

"If this is something you feel really strongly about, and if living in Seattle is as difficult for you as you say, they perhaps it's worth a try. After all, you can always move back if things don't work out the way you envision. Just don't make any hasty decisions. Go back to Seattle and see if maybe this time away made a difference."

I nodded, then confessed the reason why I didn't want to go back until Sunday. "It really would just be too much to see all of them and have to be all happy and celebratory. I think it might put me back right in that place I was in when I left."

Tyrone frowned. "It's not that I don't understand what you're saying and feeling Edward," he began and I cringed at his disapproving tone. "But do you really think that's a good enough reason for missing your friends' important celebration? You may feel better in the short term, but just imagine how you'll feel later, when everyone is talking about the event and you're the only one who wasn't there, not because you couldn't have been, but because you elected not to go and lied about it."

The Catholic and Jewish faiths combined had nothing on Tyrone when it came to laying on a guilt trip. I suddenly felt very, very small.

"Wow, Tyrone, when you put it like that..."

He frowned again, then looked at me apologetically. "I'm sorry, Edward. That wasn't the most tactful or productive way to put things. If going to the party will cause you pain, then you may be doing the best thing by staying here. I'm just concerned that this is a decision you may regret later, especially if your plan is to leave town, so in the future you will no longer be able to attend as many of these as you might like."

I mulled his words in silence for a while. I was being pretty selfish, skipping a very important day in Seth and Garrett's life just to avoid some potential personal discomfort. I hadn't done that for Troy's graduation, even though I knew seeing Cliff with Derek was going to be much more painful. There really wasn't a good excuse for doing it now. And Tyrone had a good point about how much more difficult it would be for me to make it back for future events like this if I left Seattle.

"No, you shouldn't apologize. You're right. I'd feel like a huge asshole for missing this, knowing that I could have gone. If I leave tomorrow morning, I should have plenty of time to make it to the lodge before they will. You and Bruce won't mind?"

Tyrone reached over for my hand and grasped it firmly when I extended it. "Bruce and I will be fine either way, regardless of what you decide. We'd love to have you here until Saturday, but we'd also understand if you wanted to get back for the anniversary dinner. It's up to you, Son. And don't let my earlier comment influence your decision. I was being insensitive. You are the best judge of how much pain you can and cannot handle."

"I can handle this. I was just taking the easy way out, but it would have bothered me in the long run. I'm glad you said what you said. Someone needed to make me see exactly what I was doing."

We stayed outside and talked until it was time to go in and make dinner, which we did together, not nearly as well as Bruce could alone, but well enough for the three of us to enjoy. As Tyrone predicted, Bruce was very understanding about the change in my plans, especially since we did still have one evening to hang out together. The following morning I put my stuff back in the car and backtracked along the same route that got me there two days before, though when I hit the interstate 97 interchange I headed west towards Leavenworth, instead of driving back to Chelan. I enjoyed my trip back just as much as I enjoyed the original drive to Chelan, once again stopping in Leavenworth for lunch and to purchase Bavarian souvenirs for everyone and toys for all the kids. I was especially happy with the couple of authentic German beer steins I got for Emmett and Nasir, knowing exactly how much my big friend would enjoy those. I also managed to find a great anniversary gift for Seth and Garrett at the Nussknacher House - a Wizard of Oz and Dorothy Nutcrackers, both signed by Christian Steinbach.

I got back on the road and arrived at the Willows Lodge in plenty of time to have a beer in the lobby wine bar, much to the horror of the other patrons. I was keenly aware of how out of place I was here, drinking the wrong type of alcohol, under dressed in my jeans and thick cotton button down, with at least a week's worth of facial hair that I hadn't thought to shave or trim and messy hair that I knew was begging for a cut. I briefly thought about getting a room to hop in the shower and maybe shave, but I didn't want to miss my friends as they arrived. Besides, a shower and shave would only offer a partial solution. I didn't have any nicer clothes with me and my hair would be wild no matter what I did. It made a lot more sense to just wait for everyone to arrive, have dinner, and be on my way back home.

I had just started to feel uncomfortable at the attention from a nearby table full of women, when everyone arrived. Grateful for a reason to get away, I grabbed my beer and walked up to Nasir, who was obviously checking everyone in at the lodge's front desk. He greeted me with a hug and a kiss on both cheeks, and before I could say anything booked me a room. This wasn't the time and place for arguments and explanations, and even if I wanted to protest I would not have been able too, having been swept up into hugs with Emmett, Seth and the rest of the gang. We talked while Nasir completed the check in process and distributed the keys, then everyone disbursed to unpack and freshen up before dinner. Since my luggage was still in the car, where I anticipated it would remain, I made my way back to the lobby bar and got my third beer, which I promised myself would be my last, since I knew we'd have a different wine selection with every course at dinner and I still had to drive quite a ways to get back to Covington.

While waiting at the bar, I ran into Justin, and we joked around for a moment before he left to take up a glass of wine for his wife. Eventually the whole party re-assembled in the lobby and we were escorted to the restaurant across the garden. In the main dining room of the restaurant, a guitar player was strumming softly, adding to the ambiance but doing little to calm my nerves. There was something about the man that had my sense of déjà vu humming and brought my desperate yearning for Jasper to nearly unprecedented heights, and it was all I could do to keep a smile on my face and make my way to the private dining room instead of turning heel and driving back to Covington at the highest possible speed. I managed to hold it together and drew on my best acting skills to appear normal and happy as we conversed throughout dinner and later, back in the lobby of the hotel. I could tell Seth sensed something was off, but fortunately he got distracted. When he told me we needed to talk the following day, however, I knew I was in trouble.

After the night wound down, we all retired to our respective rooms. In what had become a near ritual for us, Leah made another valiant effort to convince me to join her, and managed to be fairly gracious in defeat. While it was good to have another single person in the group, I knew that, unlike me, she enjoyed the status thoroughly, so we couldn't exactly commiserate. Back in the room I drank a few glasses of water and relieved myself, doing my best to expel and dilute the alcohol in my system. I needed to sober up so that I could drive back to Covington. I had absolutely no desire to stick around for the Clearwater interrogation I was sure to be subjected to the following morning. I'd spent too much energy pretending to be happy this evening, and I knew by morning my resistance would be extremely low. It wasn't even so much the fear of Seth getting to the bottom of my feelings, as not wanting to be in the way of his celebration. I was glad I came for the dinner, but that was all that I could handle.

Knowing I still wasn't in any shape to drive, I set the alarm in the room and then a back-up on my phone before collapsing on the bed, exhausted. I knew acting took a lot of energy, but having taken a five month break I must have gotten out of practice. I didn't want to worry them, and I thought for the most part I succeeded, but it had been a lot of fucking hard work. Drained and drunk, I fell asleep almost immediately, hopeful that a few hours of rest would be enough.

It was harder than hell to get up when the alarm went off at 3:30 a.m. My head hurt a little, but my mind was clearer. I took a shower, which helped to really wake me up. I figured I could find some place along the road that was open at this hour to get some coffee, but even without it I knew I'd be able to make it home. I'd brought nothing into the room with me, so I just took some money out of my wallet to leave for the maid and was about to leave the room when my eye fell on the pen and stationery laid out on top of the desk. I sat down and wrote a brief note to Emmett, explaining that I couldn't sleep and really just needed to go home, unpack and get Remmy. I told them to have fun and asked him to give Seth and Garrett a big hug, and to tell his partner that he did an awesome job with the arrangements. Then I promised that I would talk to him soon and signed the note, hoping it would be enough to keep all of them from freaking out at my early departure. I was sure Seth would figure out the real reason I left, and possibly Maggie too, but I would deal with them later, when I had a little more time to get my emotional guard up and was better equipped for those conversations.

The sun rose on my drive home and by the time I reached my driveway dawn was giving way to full daylight. I had missed my home while I was gone, but I was unprepared for just how good it would feel to pull up in front of the house. I got out and took a deep breath, though the air here was really no different than in Stehekin. My time away had offered me peace, serenity and solitude, but while this place did not have as much of those qualities, it did give me a sense of calm. For better, for worse, this was where I had set down roots, and even as I contemplated moving away, I knew I would never give up this home.

I unpacked my stuff leisurely, placing the camping gear in the garage and bringing the rest into the house. I had actually left a lot of things in the lidded box at the end of the pier in Stehekin - what the locals affectionately referred to as their free community store, where your neighbor's trash might literally become your treasure. The stuff I left - clothing, some books, some of the outdoor gear - had no sentimental value to me and was easily replaceable here in Seattle, but would have been quite a find for the locals there. Leaving stuff helped me contribute to the community I'd become very fond of, while at the same time lightning my load and giving me less to do upon my return - a total win-win.

I brought everything inside, put away the things I could put away and started the first load of laundry, before heading to the bathroom and tackling my facial hair. Up in Stehekin it wasn't uncommon for me not to shave for days at a time, but the scruffy look didn't seem appropriate for Seattle. Plus I knew I would be seeing Liam and Owen soon, who would undoubtedly want to snuggle up, and I didn't want to hurt them with my whiskers. In the comfort of the oversized shower stall in the master bath, I had time to condition the hair and then methodically remove it until my face was as smooth as everyone here was used to. Feeling a bit more civilized, I got dressed and phoned Diane to let her know I would be coming over to pick up Remmy.

She was waiting by the door when I walked up to the house, laughing. She came out to give me a hug and tell me how handsome I looked, then explained that Remmy had been circling the front hallway like a cat possessed all morning. "He hasn't done that the entire time you've been gone," she marveled. "He was a little lonely when you first left, but Samson and Delilah didn't let him wallow, and he really settled in here well. But this morning it's like his sixth sense kicked in and though all three of us tried, no one could tempt him out of this hallway. He's just so anxious waiting for you." A pitiful wailing meow from inside the house confirmed the truth of her statement. I shook my head with incredulity.

"They're amazing animals," Diane said. "So don't keep him waiting any longer. Go on in and say hello."

We walked into the house and Remmy was instantly pressed against my legs, waiting to be picked up. I obliged him, pulling him up close to my chest and letting him rub his face against mine, listening to his comforting purr. "I've missed you too, Remmy," I told him when he looked at me and meowed.

I put Remmy's essentials under one arm while holding him close to me in the other and walked back to my house, where I set everything up exactly the way he was used to. He meowed in appreciation as he followed me from room to room, not leaving my side for a moment. Even later, when Maggie and Rose brought the kids over along with a couple of pizzas, Remmy hovered around us. And once he realized that the boys were staying overnight and, per Liam's demand, would be sleeping with me, instead of running away the way he usually did under those circumstances, he begrudgingly made a space for himself at my feet and slept with us.

Surprisingly, no one gave me a particularly hard time about leaving the Willows Lodge early. Even Maggie said she understood why I wanted to get home and settle back in as soon as possible after such a long absence. If I had to bet, I would have placed money on the ever-omniscient Seth Clearwater figuring out exactly how I was feeling and calming everyone down so as not to agitate me further. My suspicion was confirmed a couple days later, when he called to arrange a lunch date for just the two of us, absolutely refusing to take no for an answer and telling me in no uncertain terms that we needed to talk. I gave in without too much of a struggle, knowing that the conversation was inevitable and figuring it was better to get it over with sooner rather than later. We met at Martin's and engaged in small talk until our food arrived and Seth could be sure we would not be interrupted.

"So I take it you didn't find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow over there in no man's land?" He asked.

I smirked. "I didn't go to Stehekin to look for Leprechauns, Seth. Why should I, when I already have you right here? You just need a green coat and hat."

"Oooh," he grimaced. "You're lucky this table's between us, or you'd really get it," he distracted himself by taking a bite of his food and chasing it with water. "Seriously, though, I hoped after being away for so long you'd come back happier, or at least more at peace. Otherwise, what was the point of leaving and having us all miss you for so long?"

I looked at Seth carefully, surprised by his choice of words and wondering if he was messing with me, but he seemed perfectly serious.

"I don't know, Seth," I shook my head. "I didn't really go there with any specific purpose, except maybe to have time to think."

"And did the thinking help?"

"I guess. Maybe. A little. I don't know."

"Edward, I can see being here with all of us is hard on you. I knew you needed a break. But we care about you and we don't want to lose you permanently. What can we do to make it easier?"

I shouldn't have been as surprised by Seth's ability to dissect the issue and reach directly to the core, but his statement still took me aback.

"I don't know if there is anything you or anyone else can do, Seth. I love you guys. You know I do. And I am really happy that all of you have found such perfect partners. But living here in Seattle, every day is just a reminder of him and how I'll never have what you guys have, because my perfect partner thinks I'm a monster and never wants to see me again or even hear my name."

Seth looked at me with incredible sadness, then reached out to take my hand. "Edward, you are not a monster. You know what you are? You're a butterfly. Back when Jasper was here you may have been an ugly caterpillar, but you've grown and changed and you're so very beautiful now. If Jasper were here right now he would see that too. You know what?" He was suddenly energized. "This has gone on long enough. I'm gonna go to New York and tell him. Better yet, I'll get his stubborn ass over here so he can see for himself."

There was a brief flash of hope that sparked inside me, before reason took over "No!" I commanded. "I don't want to force him like that. I don't want him to see me because he feels coerced or because he thinks he owes you a favor. It wouldn't be the same. And I definitely don't want to be the source of discord between you and him or him and Emmett again. Better to leave things as they are. This is my problem, not his."

"If you're thinking what I think you're thinking, then it's our problem too, not just yours," Seth said. "We don't want to lose you," he repeated.

"I haven't made any decisions yet, Seth," frustrated, I ran my hand through my already messy hair. "I know it wouldn't be easy, but sometimes doing what's easy isn't the best thing, you know?"

"Better than most," he nodded sagely, and I instantly remembered how hard of a time he had coming to terms with his feelings for Garrett.

"Well, then you understand. Sometimes things just have to change. No matter how difficult that change may be."

"Okay, but," he hesitated. "Just promise me you won't be too hasty. I have this feeling, and don't ask me for details because I don't have any, but I have this feeling that you should be here with us, at least for the immediate future."

I looked at him suspiciously. "You told me once you weren't a fortune teller."

"Do you see me trying to read your palm, Cullen? It's not like I'm having visions of what's gonna happen or anything like that. It's just a feeling. A premonition. But it's pretty strong. I just really feel you should be here for at least a few more months. Can you indulge me and promise me that you won't make any immediate plans?"

I sighed. There was no one better than Seth Clearwater at extracting those kinds of promises. He knew damn well it was near impossible to deny him, with or without spooky premonitions.

"All right, Seth. Fine. I'll hold off making any decisions at least until next year."

"Good," he nodded and tried very hard to keep the smug expression of his face. It looked like I was going to stay in Seattle, at least until January.