Chapter 46

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Chapter 46: The Path is Clear

It was late afternoon by the time my plane landed at SeaTac and I picked up my A5 from the airport parking lot. The adrenaline that had fueled me the entire weekend was finally wearing off and I was tired, ready to get home, pick up Remmy from Diane's and settle in for an easy evening before having to go back to work Monday. I briefly considered stopping off in Kent to see Maggie, Rosalie and the boys, but I just didn't have the energy. There would be plenty of time for that later in the week, and it would be better to do it after the boxes I shipped arrived, so I could get them their souvenirs.

As I looked around the familiar sights on the drive back from the airport, for the first time ever I didn't feel a sense of relief at coming home. It wasn't so much that I didn't still love Washington, and the mountain and my home and all my friends and family, but I had enjoyed myself so much in Chicago that I wished I was still there, with Jasper. I wished we'd had more time to explore the city and the suburbs, more time to be together, more time to figure out what the hell happened on that dance floor in Hydrate and afterward in my hotel room. It was hard enough to broach the subject when we were still together in person. Too hard, in fact, as evidenced by the fact that we hadn't done it. It would be near impossible now that our communications would once again been reduced to e-mails and calls. But as much as I hated the thought of making him uncomfortable, maybe too uncomfortable, I also didn't want to lose the momentum that we built over all this time we spent together.

It was good, really, really good. He'd been comfortable with me, so much more comfortable than when he was in Seattle for Seth's wedding. And we'd come close to kissing so many times that I had to believe it wasn't just me wanting it, it had to be him too. Otherwise, why wouldn't he just have said that he wasn't interested after the first or second time it happened. I could believe he was struggling with it, maybe he was still uncertain of me, but there had to be something there, something left of the way he felt about me before. I just wished I knew what to do to get him to open up and talk about it, so that I could tell him that I felt it too. More than anything I needed to finally tell him how I felt. Not like the last time, on the sidewalk in a strange town after not talking to each other for months, when he obviously didn't believe me, but sitting face to face, trusting each other and really listening. I wanted to tell him that as outrageous and unbelievable as it sounded, given my past behavior, I really had loved him from the moment we met, and that I never stopped, and that I never wanted to stop. But how could I do that? How could I have this conversation when we only saw each other in person once every few weeks, and even that was far more frequent than I had any reason to hope and might not be possible over the long term. How could I ever tell if he was ready to have the conversation or not?

I sighed, knowing that my uncertainty probably meant another round of calls to gather still more advice from everyone I loved. Bruce and Tyrone would probably be helpful, as would Troy, but obviously the first person to turn to would be Seth, even though that would also entail doing a minute by minute recap of everything that happened. It was inevitable, I knew, but I needed a little time to prepare for that mentally, so I planned to call him mid-week.

Then again, when it came to Seth, sometimes making plans was completely futile. I shook my head as I pulled into my driveway, wondering why I hadn't anticipated the situation. Parked right next to my house was Garrett's Maybach, which meant that at least he and Seth, and most likely Emmett and Nasir too, were waiting for me in the house. I exhaled deeply with resignation. So much for a quiet evening at home alone.

I parked the car in the garage and took out my carry-on before locking the garage and heading back inside the house. Surprisingly, I wasn't greeted by a welcoming committee. In fact, the house was strangely quiet. I set my bag down in the hall and walked through the kitchen into the living room to look out onto the back yard. Sure enough, I saw that the grill was going and the cover was off the hot tub. The deck obscured my view a bit, but I could see several heads above the edge of the tub, so I figured all four of my friends were enjoying my favorite back yard toy. God help the neighbors and their innocent eyes.

For a moment I thought about announcing my return, but then it occurred to me that as long as they didn't realize I was back, I might as well carry on as I would have if they weren't here. They seemed comfortable enough outside and it was still early, so there would be plenty of time for my interrogation after I retrieved Remmy from Diane's house. I left my bags in the hallway, aware that my return could be discovered at any moment and not willing to take any chances of getting cornered before I retrieved my pet. I was also counting on the walk to Diane's and back to help me figure out exactly what I should tell them and what I might want to keep to myself.

My stay at Diane's turned out to be longer than I anticipated. She, of course, wanted the details of the weekend as did her guest, Sophie. It was still a little bit strange for me to interact with Dr. Sophie Kaiser in her non-professional capacity, since I mostly thought of her as the nice dentist who helped fixed my teeth after the fight that landed me in the hospital. I hadn't had any reason to see her since then, until one day I ran into her at a party at Diane's house. It turned out that the two of them met at some professional women's group lecture and struck up a friendship. Sophie didn't even remember me having been her patient, so it was no problem for her to treat me as just as her new friend's neighbor. It was a little more difficult for me to ignore her professional role, but after seeing her a few times I finally got over my hang-ups and now saw her almost as an older straight sister, the same way I viewed Diane. When I turned up at Diane's door they wouldn't hear of just handing over Remmy and letting me get back home, even when I explained the guys were waiting for me.

"They've been there all afternoon," Diane said, "and they've been having a good time, too, from what I could see. They won't miss you if you stay a little. And we're dying to hear what happened."

It was two against one and I figured there was no real harm in relaying what happened, treating it like a dry run for my talk with the guys. Diane poured me a glass of wine to match their own and we settled in her cozy den. I gave Sophie a bare bones background on my history with Jasper, explaining that we'd been good friends once upon a time and hoped to be more, but that I'd ruined it by being a controlling, emotionally stunted prick who's been hoping for a reunion ever since. Once she had the context it was easy to launch into an explanation of what happened in Chicago. Diane and Sophie were a great audience, responding exactly as they were expected to, at times breathless with anticipation, at times groaning with disappointment that seemed to rival my own.

"Oh, Edward," Diane shook her head at the end. "So many opportunities wasted! Why didn't you just kiss him? It's so clear he wanted you to!"

"Really?" I asked, surprised at her certainty. "Maybe I'm telling the story wrong. It didn't seem nearly so clear to me at the time."

"Obviously we weren't there," Sophie chimed in, "but unless you're deliberately exaggerating, I think the only reason it wasn't clear to you was because your vantage point was too close. You needed to step back for a little distance and everything would have come into focus. From what we're hearing, that boy was ripe for the picking."

"So you both think I made a mistake?" I tried to keep the fear and disappointment out of my voice, but I could tell by their immediate reaction I didn't quite succeed.

"Not a mistake, Honey, not exactly," Diane assured. "You just didn't seize the opportunity."

"But it's not as though that was your only chance," Sophie added. "Didn't you say he's coming here in a month to spend a week with you? And that he already invited you to visit him after that? It might have been nice if you got the ball rolling this weekend, but a slight delay shouldn't hurt anything. He sounds just as eager as you do."

"Eager? You really think he sounds eager? But then why didn't he just say something?" I ran my hand through my hair in frustration at my apparent lack of perception.

"He may feel exactly as you do," Diane pointed out. "Eager, yes, but scared too. It's not always easy to make yourself vulnerable enough to take a first step in a relationship."

I nodded, finally getting a glimmer of understanding. "He wouldn't want to make himself vulnerable," I agreed. "And he shouldn't have to do that. I should be the one to take the first step. But you're right, I'm scared too. I'm downright cowardly."

"Don't beat yourself up too hard, Edward," Diane patted my hand. "Relationships are a challenge under the best of circumstances, and yours is more complicated than most. Just remember, you have to accept some risk if you want the reward."

I left shortly thereafter, heading back to my house with Remmy in my arms, cuddled up and purring against my chest. My conversation with Diane and Sophie still on my mind, I completely forgot I had guests waiting at the house until I saw Garrett's car in the driveway again. I instantly felt guilty for taking as long as I had at Diane's, and quickly shifted Remmy to my left arm as I fished for my keys in the right pocket of my jeans. I unlocked the door and swung it open, only to come face to face with a scowling, near-naked Native American. Seth was standing in the hallway wearing only a towel wrapped around his hips, one foot tapping, and both arms folded across his chest.

"Did you miss the Maybach parked in your driveway when you came home from the airport, or are you usually this rude to your guests?" he snapped at me, making Remmy hiss in warning. I scratched the cat's head to calm him and set him down on the floor, though he pressed himself to my legs and stood next to me, watching Seth suspiciously.

"You guys seemed to be doing all right in the back and I needed to pick up Remmy. I figured you wouldn't mind. In fact, I hoped you wouldn't even notice."

Seth arched an eyebrow and I had to laugh. The idea that Seth might not notice something was pretty ridiculous. "Actually I was a little surprised not to find you at the door when I first came in," I admitted. He rolled his eyes.

"Garrett thought you might like a little breathing room," he grudgingly admitted. "I knew it was a bad idea. I can't believe you ran away."

"I didn't run away, Seth. I went to my neighbor's to pick up my pet. I came back, didn't I?"

"You were gone forever!" he let his outrage show. "I should slap you into next week!"

"How about you hug me hello instead?" I asked, giving him a small smile. "Jasper really liked the clothes you picked for me," I threw out some bait. "For a hug I'll tell you all about it."

"You'll tell me all about it anyway, and you damn well know it," he said, trying to remain sullen, but not quite able to suppress his smirk. "But what the hell, welcome back," he said, his smile breaking out for good as he moved towards me and put his arms around my waist as I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, pulling him into my chest. We both heard the patio door slide open in the living room and then heard Emmett's booming voice.

"Are you still alive, Eddie, or should we call 911?"

He rounded the corner and smiled when he saw Seth and me in a hug.

"I decided to spare his worthless life," Seth grumbled into my chest. "But only long enough for him to tell us what happened in Chicago."

"Good thinking," Emmett agreed, walking up to us and wrapping his big arms around us both.

"Now here is a sight I will never get tired of seeing," I head Nasir's voice and looked over to see both him and Garrett smiling at the three of us. Like their partners, Nasir and Garrett were clad in only towels. "We were a little concerned for your safety, Edward, when the Emira found out you had been to the house and left again, but I see you managed to redeem yourself."

"Not quite yet," Seth announced, pulling away. "But he's about to. Honey?" he said, turning to Garrett, "Would you take charge of the grill and get the rest of the food out while Emmy and I help Edward unpack?"

"But Emmett usually," Nasir started to protest before he felt his best friend's hand on his shoulder.

"Of course, Sweetness," Garrett said calmly. "Nasir and I will be out on the deck. Come join us whenever you're ready."

Nasir finally understood and followed Garrett out onto the deck, leaving me, Seth and Emmett in the hallway. Emmett picked up my carry-on bag and Seth led the way to my room.

Interrogation by Clearwater was a weapon that should have been in the arsenal of the US government, to be used against the most elusive enemies of the state. Still angry with me for my refusal to talk to him Thursday night, Seth settled himself imperiously on my bed and peppered me with questions as I unpacked. Emmett sat beside him quietly, listening and occasionally smiling at the stories I relayed. Seth was relentless. He delved into the smallest details, sometimes asking about things I hadn't taken enough care to think about, much less even notice. Had I not been used to his tactics, this little session would have scared the devil out of me. As it was, although I feared his final assessment, I found myself getting caught up in the excitement the memories brought, and actually enjoyed what otherwise might have been an ordeal.

For his part, Seth was fairly calm, until I started to explain what happened when we got back to the hotel after Hydrate.

"He took off your pants?" Seth asked incredulously.

"He did," I confirmed. "And you know what I wore underneath left damn little to the imagination on its best day, and pretty much nothing that night, when everything was soaking wet."

"So he has you there, in the hotel room, practically naked, and you're hard, naturally," I hadn't told him as much, but he didn't even need to be Seth to have figured that part out. "And what?"

I knew this part of the story was getting Seth riled up because he actually sat forward to listen. Emmett looked at me curiously too, with a happy dimpled grin.

"And nothing," I told them and watched the excitement fade from their faces. "I mean, he kind of licked his lips a little and then he closed his eyes and continued to undress me."

"Just so I understand," Seth said. "You were lying there, on the bed, all hard for him with nearly nothing on, and he licked his lips, and NOTHING ELSE HAPPENED?"

I was taken aback by his outburst.

"What was I supposed to have done? Jump him?" I snapped defensively. I'd done the best I could in Chicago, thinking that it was better to go slow and not scare him away. But after everything Diane and Sophie had said, and now Seth, I was no longer sure. Had I managed to mess things up again?

"Of course not!" Emmett interjected, sending Seth a hard look. "Seth didn't mean that the way it came out. He was just impressed with your self-restraint, weren't you, Sweetie?" Emmett's tone of voice was normal, but the look he gave Seth was pointed enough to make our little friend back down.

"So then what happened?" he asked, ignoring both my and Emmett's questions and moving the conversation forward.

I went through the rest of the evening, explaining that Jasper helped me deal with the cut and elevated my leg and then stayed to talk. My brow furrowed as, at Seth's insistence, I did my best to recall verbatim what we'd said to one another. I was a little concerned when I first mentioned Christopher and now, as I told Seth and Emmett what Jasper said about Christopher having second thoughts and my response, but none of it seemed to impact Emmett at all.

"I'm glad he has someone," was all he said. "And I'm glad the guy's cool. I know now that Christopher was just a place holder in my life, something I had to get through to get to the point where I was ready for the guy I was meant to be with forever."

"Jasper said something similar too," I told them. "Something about things being meant to be. I got this feeling that when he said it he was talking about more than you and Nasir, but I couldn't tell what."

"Maybe he meant he and you were meant to be together too?" Emmett offered helpfully. Much as I wanted to believe that, however, I just couldn't.

"If that's what he meant," I said, "then he wasn't happy about it. The mood in the room changed when he said that. I didn't know how to respond. And then I brought up Cliff."

"What?" Emmett and Seth asked in unison. For once, Seth was rendered speechless.

"Um, why would you do that, Eddie?" Emmett filled in for him.

"I don't know. He used to believe in fate and he popped into my head. Then I remembered that Christopher mentioned him at the bar and I figured Jasper heard, so I thought I might as well explain."

"And how exactly did you do that?" Seth found his voice again.

"I didn't. I tried, but Jasper stopped me. He said he didn't want to know. He was pretty adamant about it. What do you think that means?"

"I'm not sure yet," Seth shook his head. "You'd better just keep going and tell us everything else. Maybe once I have the whole picture, some of this will start to make sense."

I told them the rest, all the way up to the near kiss at the airport. Then I looked at Seth expectantly as Emmett reached out to take a hold of my hand. I felt like a potential cancer patient waiting to hear the results of a biopsy. Seth tapped his chin, then took a breath and I started holding mine.

"Overall I'd say it went great, wouldn't you?" he said and I started breathing again. "He still seems tentative, which is only to be expected. But there's no question that he's attracted to you, and I think he may be ready to hear the truth about your feelings, all of them. I think when he comes back here in September you two should have a serious heart to heart."

"Really? You don't think that would freak him out?"

"Not if you go about it the right way. As long as you don't force or rush it, you should be fine. Find a place where you both feel comfortable and where you can watch his reactions and just ease into it. He's sending you enough signals that if you continue to ignore them, he may conclude you're not interested, and you definitely do not want that."

"No," I confirmed. "I definitely do not want that. But how exactly do I ease into confessing that I fell in love with him the day we met and have loved him ever since?"

"First, don't look at it as a confession," Seth said seriously. "It's more of a profession, right? It's a positive thing, loving someone. Nothing to feel bad or guilty about. Tell him what you just said, but then follow it up with why you've loved him for so long. Don't hold back. He needs to know all of it."

Seth gave me some more advice along the same lines, and then we finally decided that we kept Nasir and Garrett waiting long enough and re-joined them outside. Garrett had grilled strip steaks to go with the cold couscous and broccoli salads, and we ate in the light of the setting sun as I gave the other two men an abbreviated version of my weekend. I also finally remembered to congratulate Nasir on his new job in person and we all celebrated together until it was time for the four of them to head home.

Summer on the mountain was as busy as ever, and my days flew by quickly. In the evenings I usually relaxed on the phone. There was always someone to talk to. When I wasn't calling Jasper I was talking to Maggie, Mom, Tyrone or Troy. Every one of them wanted to hear all about the weekend and every one of them had advice for how I should handle Jasper's visit. Well, Almost everyone. About a week after my return I heard from Cliff, but he didn't ask about Chicago, almost as if he'd forgotten I'd gone. That hurt, but when he was similarly reluctant to talk about his and Derek's trip to Spokane or about much of anything, I started to worry. He had been so tight lipped during our call that I began to wonder why he'd even bothered to contact me, since it obviously wasn't to chat. Finally, I flat out asked him what was wrong.

"Nothing's wrong," he tried to put me off, but I wasn't having any of it.

"Cliff, I know you well enough to know something its wrong. Now, if you don't want to talk about it, that's fine, but then we either have to find something you do want to talk about or we should hang up. No point in staying on the phone listening to each other breathe."

He gave a heavy sigh.

"Derek's been approached about a possible new job, and this is the one he'd been hoping for. It's just preliminary at this point, there may not even be an opening and several candidates are being considered, but suddenly that remote thing that was far off on the horizon is getting closer and closer."

I stayed silent while the news sank in.

"What would it mean if he got it?" I finally asked.

"It would be a huge step forward in his career. It would justify everything that he had done to this point. He'd get more exposure, more money. And it would put him on a perfect career trajectory."

"I meant what would it mean for the two of you," I said, even though we both knew he understood that the first time.

"I don't know," Cliff said quietly. "He'd have to move, and between his schedule and mine, I'm not sure how often either one of us could find time to visit."

I sank back into the couch and leaned my head back, closing my eyes.

"Would you consider moving with him?"

"If and when he gets the job I will look into it, but TV jobs don't exactly grow on trees. I have a good career going here. I've been getting more air time. I don't know if I'm ready to leave."

"I'm really sorry, Cliff. I know it would be hard, but other people with careers like yours must face a similar predicament. It's kind of the downside of doing what you do, right? Especially when your partner also has a career that is location driven. You knew this was a possibility."

"I knew, but I took the easy way out and put it in the 'we'll cross that bridge when we come to it,' category. I figured there was no point in agonizing over something that may or may not happen. But now... And it's not even just a simple question of me moving. I have a high enough profile that it might raise eyebrows if we both moved to the same place."

"And Derek still isn't ready to come out at work? Not even if he gets this promotion?"

"It might be easier once he gets a promotion, but in that field coming out could be the end of the road. We haven't really talked about it. That's a decision he has to make for himself. But if I move there with him, someone may put two and two together and make the decision for him."

"How's Derek doing with all this?"

"He's conflicted. Obviously this is everything he has been working for professionally, so he's excited. And Nervous. Everything he does this year will be watched very closely."

"Including his personal life?" I ventured.

"Including his personal life. We've been able to get away with the roommate cover for a couple of years now, but this year we might really have to make it hold up. He may have different people stopping by to see him, he may be going out on meets and greets more often. I'll definitely be seeing less of him," Cliff sighed again. "Don't get me wrong, Edward. I love him and I'm very happy for him. I want him to get this job because I know it's what he wants. It's just…" he trailed off.

"I know, Cliff. I wish I had some brilliant advice for you, or a way to resolve the logistics so you didn't have this to worry about," I told him sincerely.

"Thank you," he said. "It's nice of you to say, especially given how you felt before."

"That was a long time ago and I was still working through my issues and jealousy. Now I just want you to be happy, Cliff. Maybe it's still too early to agonize? I mean, he didn't get the job yet, right?"

There really wasn't much else either of us could say on the subject. The situation was what it was and we were both smart enough to realize there was no easy solution. Once he got his worry off his chest, however, he was more willing to talk about other things, so we spent another half hour talking about the weekend he and Derek spent with their families, including Bryce, Tyrone, Troy and Zack.

"I was starting to feel old, Edward. The boys aren't boys anymore."

I laughed. "You're hardly old. You're not even pushing thirty yet. Stop acting like a geriatric."

"You're right, you're right. It's just weird to hear them talking about jobs and graduation and buying a home, even getting married."

"Really?" this news came as a surprise. "They haven't said anything to me."

"It's nothing official yet, but we were talking about Emmett's wedding and Zack got this look in his eye and said that he'd like to get married too, when they finally decided where they would settle down."

"I thought they were coming back to Seattle?" I said, even more surprised.

"Zack is thinking about graduate schools, so the move back may be postponed a little."

"So no wedding for a few more years?" I asked, slightly too relieved.

"I don't know. Maybe not a formal wedding, but the way they looked, I wouldn't be surprised if they exchanged rings soon."

"Okay, well, congratulations," I said. "You've now succeeded in making me feel old."

"See what I mean?" he giggled and then we laughed together.

"And speaking of Emmett's wedding," I threw in. "Jasper will fly out again for that, and this time he's coming a week early and staying here, with me."

"Oh," Cliff said, seeming much more subdued. "Chicago went well, then?"

"We had a great time. Nothing really happened, but we came close to kissing a few times. Seth thinks when Jasper is out here in September it'll be time for me to tell him everything."

"Well, Seth does know best about stuff like that," Cliff offered noncommittally.

"You're still not on board with this, are you?" I asked.

"I want you to be happy too, Edward. And the best case scenario I see right now is the two of you on different coasts. They don't have Mount Rainier in New York City and they don't have the country's number one television market in Seattle. It makes what Derek and I have to think about seem like nothing."

I suspected his personal situation had more to do with his comment than he let on, and also that it was more than the distance between me and Jasper that kept him from being more supportive, but he did have a point. I could not, however, let that become a roadblock. If Jasper and I loved each other, I knew we would somehow find a way to make the relationship work. At least we didn't have to worry about keeping our homosexuality a secret.

"I'm going to take your approach to that problem, Cliff, and cross that bridge when we come to it. I've waited and hoped for this for too long to let some future problem get in my way."

Cliff didn't respond, and I knew that was his way of being as supportive as he could bring himself to be. While it would have been nice to have his wholehearted approval, I was grateful that at least he wasn't trying to actively discourage me.

I expected a similarly lukewarm response from Maggie, but she managed to pleasantly surprise me. When I finally made it to their house for dinner, she and Rosalie were both equally happy that things with Jasper were going well. Long after I told them all about the things I saw in Chicago and distributed the souvenirs, as Rosalie took charge of the boys to get them ready for bed while Maggie and I sat together with a cup of coffee, to my amazement she actually said she looked forward to seeing Jasper again.

"I know I've been a bit of a wet blanket when it came to the two of you getting back together," she admitted. "But I really did like him in high school, and I know that if he had not been around, you would have been even more unbearable than you actually were. He was good for you before, so I decided to give him a chance to prove that's still the case. I guess I'm keeping an open mind."

"Thanks, Mags. That means so much to me."

"I know. Rosie told me I needed to loosen up about this a little and she was right. It's not up to me to decide what or who should make you happy and it's not up to me to protect you from getting hurt."

"He doesn't want to hurt me, Mags. I don't think he ever did."

"Sometimes we hurt people despite our best intentions. And Jasper never realized how much power he had over you. Even when I tried to point it out to him, back in senior year, I still don't think he got it."

"I kept too much from him when we were younger, but you know why. Back then I could have never told him how I really felt. I didn't even know it myself. Things will be different this time. This time I'll tell him exactly how I feel, and how I felt back then too, and why."

Maggie nodded her approval, and then lifted her hand to my cheek.

"I hope he listens and appreciates the fine man that you are right now, and doesn't dwell on what happened in the past."

"The last thing he seems to want is to dwell on or even talk about the past. He stopped me when I tried to tell him about Cliff."

Maggie frowned.

"I think it's just because he still wasn't sure if he was ready to talk about personal stuff. But I'm sure that will change after I tell him how I feel. Eventually we'll both have to tell each other everything that happened while we were apart."

"Are you sure you're ready for that?" she asked with concern. "He may have been with someone else, just like you were with Cliff."

I bit my lip. Maggie hit on a pretty big vulnerability. I wasn't at all sure how I would react if I found out there had been another man in Jasper's life, especially if he'd been as important to Jasper as Cliff had been to me. It was hypocritical, but I knew I'd never stopped loving him the whole time I was with Cliff. He, on the other hand, managed to forget me during his time in New York, so if he was with anyone else that other man would have had all of his love. In fact, I thought as my frown deepened, I couldn't even be sure he wasn't with anyone else now, though if he was, the man was extremely trusting and not particularly communicative. Jasper and I spent most of our time in Chicago together, and there hadn't been any mysterious calls for which Jasper had to excuse himself, and not even that many texts. And the way Jasper acted with me, the signals he was sending, were not the actions and signals of a man committed to another. But even if there was no one now, it didn't mean that there hadn't been anyone before.

"It's really hard to think about him with someone else," I admitted. "But if that happened, I'll just have to deal with it. Besides, the only thing that really matters is right now and the future."

"And did you tell him about your life now? Did you tell him about us being related yet?" she asked. "And about Rosie and Liam and Owen?"

I frowned. "I think I mentioned to Christopher that you and Rose had Owen, but I'm not sure I explained who you were, and he didn't ask."

"Wow. Well, that will be a big surprise. I wonder what he'll think of us all?"

I paused for a moment to consider her question. Maggie and Rosalie and the boys were such an integral part of my life, it never even occurred to me that Jasper would be anything but completely accepting of them.

"I'm sure he will be surprised, but other than that, I don't think it will be a problem. I think he'll be happy that I have such a great family."

"Good, then we'll have to have him over for dinner. Or would you prefer for us to come to your place? Maybe after he's had a chance to acclimate and you two have talked?"

"Why don't we play it by ear," I offered after considering the question for a moment. "I will be sharing a lot with him, and I don't want to overwhelm him. If not before, he'll meet you and Rosalie at the wedding. Though it would be nice for him to meet the boys..." I pondered out loud.

"You have a few weeks to figure it out," Maggie said, patting my hand comfortingly. "And we'll follow your lead."

"Thanks, Mags," I leaned over and kissed her cheek gratefully. It was a nice change to have her completely on my side and not having to justify my feelings and actions. "You're a great sister."

"And don't you forget it! You know, my birthday is coming us quite soon," she teased.

"Don't worry, Sis. I remember. And I'm beginning to see why you may have changed your tune about Jasper," I teased her right back, getting a play punch in my arm for my efforts.

Of course I had remembered Maggie's birthday and already had a gift for her, but talking about it made me remember that Jasper's birthday was coming up as well. In fact, he'd be celebrating his 26th birthday the week after the wedding, but there was no reason why I couldn't arrange for an early celebration. I'd missed too many of his birthdays and I wasn't about to let this one go by without some kind of acknowledgement. I knew in the past he'd hated people making too big of a deal out of his birthdays, not liking to be the center of attention, so I wouldn't plan anything big, but a small celebration with just the two of us was definitely in order. I'd have to think hard and come up with something special. At least now I knew to avoid extreme thrills.

Jasper and I communicated daily. Some days, when he was extra busy, we just exchanged texts, but most days we found time for at least a brief call, if not an extended one. After our weekend together our conversations became easier and easier, as he became more trusting and I became less cautious. We still mostly stayed away from intimate topics or discussing the missing six years, but we began to reminisce more about our time together in Forks, and hearing him recount so many fond memories made me feel really great. Remembering our easy access to each other back then, however, made me focus on the physical distance between us now. The time in between visits, while not unreasonably long considering how far apart we lived, was still frustrating And the number of things we had to cram into each visit left little room for spontaneity. It didn't help that with every conversation I was falling more and more in love, not just with the Jasper I remembered, but also with the new confident, easygoing, happy, independent man he'd turned into, And it was getting harder and harder to keep those feelings to myself. Everyone's advice had been to wait and tell him how I felt in person, but I was running out of patience and self-control.

And then another emotion wormed itself inside me. Fear.

Jasper and I were talking on a Saturday evening a couple of weeks after our return from Chicago when he casually mentioned having gone clubbing with a group of friends the previous night. This was not unusual - he'd certainly told me about going clubbing before, though he had been too busy to do so the previous week, so this was his first time since we'd been to Hydrate together. The instant he mentioned clubbing I pictured him shirtless and sweaty, dancing closely with other men who were probably rubbing up against him looking for some action, and I was nearly overwhelmed by a wave of jealousy and possessiveness. I wanted more than anything to mark him in some way that would make it clear to everyone out there that he was mine. Except, of course, he wasn't. And even if he were, I knew that there were some guys who would ignore all signs and come onto him anyway. Short of telling him never to go out without me again, which even I was smart enough to realize I could never do, I knew that if we started dating I would just have to trust him to do the right thing in a club without me. Just as he would have to trust me. All these thoughts went through my head seemingly in an instant and I managed to calm myself enough to keep listening to his story, and that's when ice crept into my veins.

"There was a guy there, he reminded me so much of that guy from Hydrate, you know, Guido? All night long he kept circling, trying to get me to dance. He must have been watching me, because he finally caught me alone when I was coming back from the bathroom. I told him I'd dance with him for one song, just to get him off my back, but it was like dancing with an octopus - he was all arms and just all over me. Really uncomfortable, especially after I asked him to stop. Fortunately my friends were looking out for me and sent Felix out to find me. Felix is a big guy, like Emmett. He just came up to us and grabbed me and told the other guy to take a hike. And no one argues with Felix. After that the guy just disappeared. Moved on to someone else, I guess."

I was angry that I hadn't been there to protect him, but glad that his friend was. "I suppose that explains why women always go to the bathroom in groups," I only half-joked, though he laughed anyway.

"Yeah, I don't think I'll be asking my friends to go to the bathroom with me. I would have been fine without Felix - I just would have made a bigger scene and embarrassed the guy more. I was glad Felix was there - it was easier that way on everyone. It's just funny, it's never the guys you actually wouldn't mind dancing with that are all over you. I'm so glad I have my friends."

Another chill went through me. It was scary enough to think of him out at some bar, fending off unwanted advances. But the thought of him checking out guys, looking for someone he was interested in, was even more terrifying. With alarm, I realized that every day that I delayed telling him how I felt was a day that he could run into some guy that he was interested in. Some guy that would offer him more than I could and who was right there, in New York, while I was in Seattle. Suddenly the weeks remaining until his visit seemed to stretch to infinity. An infinite number of moments when some other SOB in the right place at the right time could swoop in and sweep him off his feet, just as I was working up the courage to tell him how I felt. To know that after waiting for so long to even see him, I could still lose him, was absolutely horrible. I couldn't stop dwelling on it. I had to concentrate so hard on not blurting out how I really felt. I desperately wanted to follow everyone's advice and wait until he was in Seattle when we could talk face to face. The last thing I wanted was another repeat of the night before he left, when I rushed things and didn't say everything he needed to hear, or of the day in Rochester where I'd messed everything up by ignoring Seth's warning about Jasper not being ready to see me. Still, the fear of the phantom perfect man walking into Jasper's life in the two weeks I had left before I saw him again was almost paralyzing.

"Edward, you're awfully quiet," he remarked. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," I tried to reassure him. "Sorry, just got distracted for a minute. Remmy was stalking a spider." Remmy made for an easy excuse, even if he was just lounging and would be appalled at my implication that he'd waste his time with something as mundane as stalking spiders.

Jasper laughed. "I still can't get over you having a cat. But I guess somehow it fits. And it figures he'd be a stalker."

"Oh yeah," I said, though I was still distracted with my urgent desire to tell him everything. "He's a regular stealth predator, Remmy is."

Hearing his name again, Remmy opened his eyes to look at me and meow. He stretched on the floor to his full length, then got up and made his way over to me to curl up by my side. I reached over and scratched his head absently, the soft feel of his fur and the sound of his contented purr bringing some relief from my heightened anxiety.

"So I was thinking about Emmett's wedding," Jasper commented. "You're standing up for Nasir, right? So I won't be able to sit with you during the ceremony. What about at the reception? Will there be a head table?"

"I don't know," I said honestly. "I really haven't been privy to all of Seth's plans. I will ask him, though," I assured him. And when I asked I would also demand that wherever I was sitting, Jasper could sit with me. I liked Nasir and I was happy to stand up for him at the ceremony, but I was not willing to give up my evening with Jasper for the sake of some protocol. Unless, of course, my conversation with him prior to the wedding didn't go well, and he reacted badly and didn't want to have anything to do with me again. In that case, a head table could be exactly what was needed.

I sat up straight on the sofa, alarmed at the direction of my thoughts. I didn't want to consider anything other than a positive result, but what if Jasper didn't feel the way I did? And what if, after hearing of my feelings, he wanted to distance himself away from me again, not even trusting me enough to be friends. What if he felt I had lured him for a week in Seattle under false pretenses, and didn't want to be around me at all. Worse, what if Emmett felt compelled to intervene on my behalf, and Jasper resented it, and that messed things up between Jasper and Emmett, right on the eve of his wedding? I would never forgive myself it that happened.

"Well, I'm sure he has a plan and whatever it is it's the only plan that will work. I just hope I will get to spend some time with you at the reception," Jasper continued, oblivious to what was going on inside my head.

"Yeah, right," I muttered distractedly, still trying to figure out what I should do. The need to let him know was all encompassing and now I had another reason not to hold anything back. Telling him now would give him time to consider the possibility of building a relationship with me, time to adjust his expectations for the week in Seattle, time to work out his own feelings so that when we finally had a chance to sit down face to face, he wouldn't be completely blindsided. And if it turned out that he didn't want that with me, telling him now would give him time to change his plans, and gave me time to let Seth know so that he could make sure the wedding and reception would not be too awkward for anyone.

"Edward," he said hesitantly. "I should let you go."

"What?" I was startled by his words. I was pretty sure my thoughts stayed in my head and I hadn't actually told him anything, yet here he was, already rejecting the idea of being with me.

"You don't seem in the mood to talk tonight, so. . ."

"Oh," Stupid, stupid, stupid! I berated myself. I'd been so wrapped up in my thoughts I was neglecting our conversation, causing him to want to hang up. "No, please don't go yet. Let's keep talking."

"A conversation usually requires two participants," he reminded, "and you seem distracted. It's all right. We'll catch up some other time," he tried to sound casual, but I could tell he was hurt. I pinched the bridge of my nose in frustrations as I squeezed my eyes closed, as if that would make any difference.

"I'm sorry, Jas. I have been a little distracted tonight. There's something I've been wanting to say, but I'm not sure how or if this is the right time."

My words met with silence. I held my breath, already regretting having said anything. Now that the words were out of my mouth, it was too late for second thoughts.

"What did you want to say?" he finally asked, with obvious reluctance.

"Jasper, I know I said I wanted to be friends, and I did, do want to be friends," I started.

"But?" he prompted.

"It's not a but, not really, more like an and," I floundered.

It was almost imperceptible. In fact, I might have imagined it, but I could have sworn I heard a slight sigh of relief, and that gave me a little hope and courage to keep going. Only I didn't know how to keep going. How did I explain what I felt without bringing up the night he left, or the time I saw him in Rochester. Did I just start at the beginning? Or was it better to not mention the past for now and just talk about what happened in Chicago. At least Chicago didn't have anything negative associated with it.

"When we were together, in Chicago," I started, "There were times when I thought," I stopped again. This was so difficult. It was like walking through a minefield, a single step in the wrong direction and everything could be destroyed.

"What did you think?" he encouraged quietly.

"You remember the day we met, right? We talked about it at Seth's reception. You said you'd never forget it." I decided it might be easier to go back to the very beginning.

"That's right," he said cautiously.

"I could never forget it either. It was too important. Probably the most important day in my life, even if I didn't know it at the time. I was walking to school, dreading the start of another year, when I saw Sam and Paul picking on you, shoving you to make you fall down because you obviously didn't just do whatever they wanted. I liked that. I was impressed that even though you were smaller than they were, even though there were two of them, you still were brave and stood up for yourself."

"I was on my back when you met me. Not exactly standing up for anyone," he chuckled at the memory.

"I took one look at you," I continued, ignoring his self-deprecating joke, "and there was something about you, something that made me want to be near you."

"You decreed that we would be best friends and suddenly we were attached at the hip," he recalled. "I felt like I was swept up in a tornado."

I considered his words, wondering if they were a cause for concern. If he was merely swept up in everything, did that mean that given a choice he would not have been my friend? Did he only hang out with me because he felt he had no choice and were his feelings for me caused by mere proximity? If so, they would have faded away in the years he'd been gone.

"I was like that back then, I suppose. I never asked anyone what they wanted, I just told them what to do. And yet I always felt that with you it was different. That you actually wanted to be my friend. That you weren't just doing it because you had to. Or because it would be in your best interest."

"I did want to be your friend," he told me. "Although you really didn't give me a choice. But if you had, I don't think I would have changed anything. When it was just the two of us you were different with me than with the others, and I liked that. I liked the Edward only I knew."

"You were the only one who saw that side of me," I confirmed. "I felt safe with you. I trusted you'd never tell anyone that I wasn't always the guy they knew, and you never did."

"I think I wanted to keep it a secret as much as you did. It made me feel special."

"You were special."

We both fell silent for a moment.

"You still are special," I finally said.

"Yeah? You still think so?"

From his tone of voice I couldn't tell if he was teasing or seeking reassurance.

"I do," I decided it was safer to reassure, figuring he wouldn't mind, even if he had been teasing.

"Oh," he seemed surprised at my instant confirmation. "Well, I do too. Think that. About you, I mean."

I could feel my skin warming with a flush of pleasure. But I knew I still had a lot of talking to do.

"Ever since that first day you were different from everyone else in Forks. You spent time with me, but not because of who my family was and not because your parents told you to or made you," I tried to explain. "You were the first person to do that, and I was always so scared that one day that would change. That you'd meet someone else, either in Forks or in New York City, and I wouldn't be important anymore. I needed you in my life and I needed for you to feel the same about me. I didn't realize it at the time, but that was love. As I look back now, I see things much more clearly and I really did love you from the day we met."

Another long silence. I could hear him breathing on the other end of the line.

"I suppose when you put it like that," he eventually replied, "I felt the same way. But Edward, why are you bringing all this up, tonight?" he was clearly uncomfortable. I swallowed hard, wondering yet again if I'd made a mistake and if it was too late to go back. I decided that it was. It took so much to work up the courage to do this, I couldn't let it go to waste.

"Because I never stopped, and you need to know that. I don't want to keep the truth from you anymore. I started loving you the day we met and I haven't stopped since. Not as we were growing up, not as I was trying to prove to myself and the world that I was straight by being with all those girls, not during the time you were gone, and especially not after seeing you again. I love you, Jasper, as much as I ever did. Maybe more, because you're everything you ever were, but more confident and even sexier. That weekend in Chicago there were so many times when I just wanted to pull you into my arms and kiss you, and I thought maybe you felt the same way? I wanted to wait and tell you in person when you got here, but I just couldn't. I want your friendship, desperately, and if that's all you have to give I'll learn to live with that. But even if we're just going to be friends, especially if we're going to be friends, you deserve to hear the whole truth, and that is that I still love you, and that I would really like another chance for us to be together, to build a relationship, like we were never able to before. And I hope you feel the same way," I stopped talking, even though that was hard. As long as I kept talking I didn't have to listen to his answer. Once I stopped, however, there was the dreaded silence again. It was so quiet in the house, I could hear my heart thundering in my chest as seconds ticked by without an answer. Then I heard a deep inhale and I cringed, bracing myself for the worst.

"Edward," he began and paused. I was completely still. Remmy pressed against me in complaint, trying to force his head underneath my hand for me to continue scratching him, but I pushed him away. My nerves were completely raw and I kept swallowing back my terror at what his answer might be. "This is so hard for me," he confessed and I heard the difficulty in his voice. All at once I felt the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that came with the knowledge I messed things up again.

"It's okay, Jas. Whatever you have to say, however you feel, it's okay. You can be honest with me, always," I said, trying to soothe him even as unshed tears were burning my eyes. How could I have been stupid enough to think after all that time he'd want anything more from me than friendship, when even that had been so difficult for him to accept.

"You're right about Chicago," he murmured. "It was the same for me. I wanted to kiss you too."

"You did?" I sat up, feeling the slight ray of hope illuminating me from the inside.

"I did, so much. I spent years trying to forget you and how I felt about you, but when we finally talked at the wedding and the next day, it all came flooding back. And then spending all that time together. It felt so right, so easy. But I thought in Chicago my imagination getting away with me. I never expected you to feel the same way. I still can't get over what you just told me. I can't believe you might actually love me," he sounded slightly dazed.

"Believe it, Jasper, because I do. I always have, I just didn't realize it until you left. But I never stopped. Like you, I tried. I tried so hard, because I thought I'd never see you again. But I was never able to. I love you, Jas. It's always been you."

"I love you too, Edward," he said softly, but with a depth of feeling I could hear across the entire distance between us. "I always have. I won't lie. It scares the hell out of me, not the least because I'd basically been lying to myself all these years, thinking I could forget you. I can't deny how I feel, though. And knowing that you feel it too? I'm almost afraid to believe it," he confessed. "I feel like I'm dreaming,"

"You're not," I assured him. "Or if you are, I am too, and we're having the same damn beautiful dream."

"It is beautiful, isn't it?" his voice had an awestruck quality to it. "Well, if it's a dream, I hope we never wake up."

I closed my eyes and imagined he wasn't across the country, but right there beside me. I almost moved my hand to the other side of the bed to touch him.

"It's not a dream, Jasper. Know how I know? Because if it was a dream, you'd be here with me. As it is, I can't wait until you get here," I whispered. "I need to see you again. To touch you."

"I need that too," he agreed with a sigh. "But Edward," he said cautiously, "even if we both feel the same way, it may not be enough. It wasn't enough before."

"I know. But back then we were kids with so many other issues. Now we're adults and we've changed and matured. Don't you think we owe it to ourselves and each other to give it another try? We don't have to rush anything. We can slowly get to know each other again. Nothing has to change from the way we were in Chicago, except now we know the whole truth about how we feel. Please Jas, just say yes. Tell me we can try to build a relationship."

"Okay. I mean yes. We should try. I want to try. But how?"

"Let's both think about that and figure out what we want, what we'd be comfortable with to start. And then we'll just figure it out as we go along, like everyone else does, right? God, I wish you were here. I want to kiss you so badly right now."

He groaned quietly.

"If you had waited two weeks to tell me, I could have been there," he pointed out.

"I know. Believe me, I wanted to wait. I wanted to see your face when I told you I loved you. But I was terrified of someone else coming into your life at the last moment and losing you before I told you how I felt. I couldn't take that chance. But when you do get here, may I? Kiss you?"

"Yeah," he breathed. "I'd love that. And Edward?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

"Okay," I was confused. "For what?"

"For having the courage to be honest with me, and to make yourself so open and vulnerable. I know how scary that can be. I'm sure it wasn't easy, and I'm not sure I would have been able to do it if you hadn't."

"Oh," I said, taken aback, but pleased that he understood some of what I went through. Then again, he had been through something similar with me years ago, only his effort met with quite a different reception. "I always figured I would have to be the one to say something this time. It was just a question of when. I'm just so... happy and overwhelmed. I still can't believe I, we, did it. We talked. We shared our feelings. We feel the same way. It's beyond words."

"Hmmm," he nearly hummed. "Tell me again. Please."

"I love you, Jas," I didn't hesitate.

"I love you too," he echoed. The four sweetest words I ever heard in my life.