Chapter 37

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Chapter 37: For Others I Put on a Show

Coming back to the Seattle couplehood Nirvana was every bit as difficult as I thought it would be. None of my friends were purposely flaunting their happiness to hurt me, but the richness of their lives with their partners was a constant reminder of the void in mine. I had a game face that I wore whenever I was around them, and I was pretty sure no one but Seth noticed that my smirks and jokes and occasional laughter were all rather shallow. I was glad for that, mostly because I didn't want to have to explain something I had such a hard time understanding myself. I also knew I couldn't really handle all the questions and concerns, and the inevitable suggestions for what I needed to do to feel better. The longer I stayed in Seattle, the more convinced I became that there was only one thing that could make me feel better, and that one thing would never be suggested by any of them.

Slowly and carefully I started gathering information about Rocky Mountain National Park, doing my best not to alert Roger to my efforts, knowing that if he had an inkling of what I was up to he might share that information with Yvonne, who would probably tell her close friend, Maggie. The close-knit family that I had gathered around me in Seattle had never seemed so suffocating as it did when I was doing research on a way to extricate myself from it. I felt a little guilty about all the secrecy and about partially breaking my promise to Seth, but I justified it with the excuse that this was all preliminary and that I would make no final decisions until after New Year's, exactly as I promised.

From everything I'd seen, I needed the extra time anyway. Rocky Mountain National Park was a popular park and high in demand, which meant that on the rare occasions that there was a full time opening, competition for the job was tough. This was somewhat discouraging, as I had hoped to keep my job with the NPS through the move, but I reminded myself that I didn't work for the money and moving down to a seasonal position would not be a hardship. If worse came to worst, and even a seasonal position wasn't available, I could always just volunteer in the park. The NPS almost never turned down volunteers, especially ones as experienced as me. In my off hours I could do other productive things, like maybe extend the operations of Rainbow Beginnings to a new state. In any event, thanks to the generosity of my grandfather, I could make future plans without worrying about a job or a career, and the flexibility was comforting.

Knowing there was a possibility of a move in my future, I took advantage of every moment I could spend with Liam and Owen. Not being able to see the two of them as often as I wished was the only thing that really gave me pause when it came to planning my move. They both grew so much in the five months I was gone. Owen especially had changed. When I left, soon after his first birthday party, he was still only crawling, albeit very speedily, and hadn't really started talking yet beyond a few basic words. By the time I came back he had mastered his center of gravity and I really had to keep an eye on him, because he tended to wander around a lot. He made both me and Liam laugh because for some reason, maybe to keep his balance, he walked flat footed and kept his arms up in front of him, making him look like Frankenstein's monster or a zombie. I privately referred to the evenings I watched him as Nights of the Living Toddler. His vocabulary grew too, with my favorite new phrase being uncle Edward, though the way he said my name sounded more like "Edwood." It made Rosalie laugh every time and she started calling Owen her little Kennedy. He'd graduated to a sippy cup, which he held proudly in two hands as he tipped it to drink and, though still a notoriously picky eater, he was more adventurous with food, willing to at least try different things, especially if his brother tried them first. He was also quite the cuddle bug, melting my heart every time he crawled into my lap for a long hug.

The most interesting change for both of the boys, however, was that Owen was finally able to play with Liam and to express his devotion for his older brother. Owen followed Liam everywhere. Even when he was in his high chair and unable to move, his eyes followed Liam as much as possible. More than half the time, when Owen needed to cuddle he headed straight for Liam, seeking comfort and approval from his favorite role model. And for his part, Liam had grown more tolerant of his little brother, taking time to teach him how to use new toys and playing with him even though he had outgrown the things Owen was just starting to do. He almost always indulged Owen, and he was quickly at his brother's side, ready to soothe, if he heard his brother so much as whimper. There were still times when Owen's limitations annoyed him, and times when he wanted to play with bigger boy toys, especially when Ren was around, but for the most part the two were thick as thieves, making all of us very happy. I could only imagine how much closer they would get as time went on, and it saddened me to think that I might not get to witness it firsthand. My worst moment came one morning after the boys slept over at my house and, predictably, in my bed. With Owen still soundly asleep, Liam and I got up for our ritual morning piss. That's when it dawned on me that I would probably not share that first man moment with Owen. It would be Liam who would have to teach his younger brother the proper way for a boy to take a leak. It was a stupid thing to get hung up about, especially since, even if I stayed in Seattle, Owen would probably learn the skill from Liam anyway, but it did give me serious pause, at least until I remembered that there were plenty of uncles who were not as actively involved in their nephews' lives, like Jason, yet were still loving and loved. We could continue to keep in touch via Skype, and Colorado wasn't so far away that I couldn't fly back fairly frequently to see them.

And other than the boys, there were few reasons to stay. Pretty much everyone else in my life had arranged themselves into family units. Roger and Yvonne had Ren and Larissa, Maggie and Rose had Liam and Owen, and Emmett, Seth, Garrett and Nasir were the four musketeers, needing no kids to form a family of their own. With Zack and Troy in California, that left me the fifth wheel no matter which way I looked, and while I knew none of them minded having me around, perhaps they even enjoyed it, I was no longer comfortable being constantly in that role.

Part of the problem was that in Seattle everyone knew I didn't want to be alone. In other places, where no one knew my tortured personal history, my single status would be viewed as completely normal. Everyone would assume that a guy my age would naturally want to play the field before settling down. And I'd have a whole sandbox full of new guys to play the field with, without worrying about all of them reporting back to Simon or Seth on my performance. I wouldn't have to just trick either. I could reinvent myself - be whoever I wanted to be and do whatever I wanted to do. And maybe, if I just let myself do whatever felt right at the time and rebuilt my ego a little, I finally would be able to open my heart to another guy. I acknowledged that it was a long shot, but at least it seemed like a possibility. The more I considered it, the more logical and promising moving seemed, and the more I looked forward to January, when I could start making serious plans without breaking my word.

In the meantime, there were other things I had to occupy myself with. I spent quite a bit of time in October working with Maggie to get ready for the boys' first Halloween party. Based on Liam's fascination with animals, we came up with a theme of a zoo filled with traditional Halloween and magical creatures. Maggie scoured re-sale shops and toy stores while I worked in my garage workshop to create all the decorations, and then we set everything up the day of the party at Maggie and Rosalie's house. The two magical zoo keepers loved it, as did all of their little friends, staring at the "caged" critters with big, awe-filled eyes. They ate their Halloween themed food and played age-appropriate games, and at the end of the afternoon they were handed off to their parents exhausted from all the excitement. Maggie and I were exhausted too, but also thoroughly pleased with how everything turned out and with how much Liam and Owen enjoyed the whole experience.

The next evening I changed from my park ranger uniform into my cop costume and drove to Seth & Garrett's penthouse for the Halloween party. I was thrilled to find out Seth was not mandating a theme this year. Not that we didn't all look damn good the previous year, but a reminder of the whole group as a unit was not what I was looking for as I tried to mentally prepare myself for a separation. Besides, I liked the way I looked as a cop, and I hoped there would be a waiter or bartender at the party who felt the same way. I ran into Emmett and Nasir in the elevator. I didn't quite guess their costumes, but I chuckled when they told me they were dressed as King Richard and Saladin, appreciating the symbolism all the more since the next day they and Seth and Garrett would be heading to visit Nasir's home land.

As soon as the elevator doors opened I heard the music that gave me a really good idea of what Maggie's costume would be, a suspicion confirmed as soon as we walked into the penthouse. She sat at the portable pipe organ that must have been the surprise she and Garrett had worked on, wearing a Phantom of the Opera costume. I smirked at Rosalie, who walked over looking absolutely stunning in a Wonder Woman costume that hugged every curve of the little of her body that it actually covered.

"She looks fantastic, doesn't she?" Rose asked after kissing me hello. "And she sure is enjoying that organ. I can't get her away from that thing."

"She looks great, as do you. And as organs go, that's probably a good one for her to fixate on," I said with a wink.

Rosalie burst out laughing and play punched my arm. "Funny, Edward," she said and left to greet Emmett and Nasir. Noting that Maggie was mid-song and probably wouldn't appreciate being interrupted, I headed for the bar which, I was pleased to see was manned by a familiar boy.

"Single, sailor?" I asked and watched a welcoming smile settle over Juan's face as he gave his affirmative response. I remember those plump lips well from when he wrapped them around my cock at the Oscar party and I wouldn't mind filling his mouth again. We joked about frisking him for concealed weapons and I leaned over the bar to check out not only his bulge, but also the hot bubble butt that filled out his sailor pants just right. I certainly wouldn't mind sticking my cock between those cheeks if he made the hole available. I ordered my drink, wondering how soon I would be able to lure Juan away from his post, when Seth turned up by my side and demanded my attention. He looked extra sexy in a floor-length red cape and tiny dark brown hard leather shorts with an extra-large front pouch.

"King Leonidas, of course," he said with a dramatic full turn when I asked him who he was, before suggesting that I take Juan to the bathroom for a quick fuck so that he'd be able to concentrate on doing his job for the rest of the night. I smirked and Juan got flustered, but I didn't notice any reluctance on his part, either. Fortunately Seth was distracted by the arrival of Justin and Melinda, sparing Juan further embarrassment. Justin made the mistake of dressing as a construction worker, giving Seth the idea to have a picture taken with him and the rest of us who somehow managed to dress in all the roles of the Village People. Even the hired photographer, Dane, who dressed as a fireman, couldn't escape. Emmett ended up taking the picture so that all the public servants could be represented.

Fortunately, after the photo session everyone's attention was diverted, so that Juan and I could sneak off to the powder room. This time I was prepared and chose a costume with pockets, so I didn't need to rummage in the bathroom for condoms and lube when Juan leaned over Seth's vanity and lowered his pants, looking at me over his shoulder with an inviting smile. Time was short, so we didn't bother with a lot of preliminaries, but we both enjoyed ourselves thoroughly nevertheless. When we were done, Juan washed up first and left to return to his post through the kitchen, while I left a minute later, taking a different route. I saw Garrett looking at me, slightly puzzled, and I couldn't keep a smirk off my face. He was as sharp a guy as I've ever met, and yet I had a feeling he still didn't know what went on in his own home every time I came over for a party. It was probably better that way, though I had a feeling he wouldn't really have minded even if he knew. That feeling was only reinforced as I fully appreciated his pirate costume, which left little to the imagination and served as a great reminder that Seth's man was fine indeed. I figured anyone who would allow Seth to outfit him that way for a public gathering would hardly be able to deny Seth anything else, so my liaisons with their help were safe, probably for as long as I chose to partake.

By the time I re-joined everyone, Leah had arrived with her entourage, the couple of cute, straight boys who worked for Garrett and whom we all met at the Oscar party. They had been lucky enough to leave with Leah that night, and apparently good enough to be asked back for an encore, though they probably hadn't expected that this time they would be just about as undressed as Garrett. I chuckled, not envying their discomfort and wondering how they were all going to be able to look each other in the eye in the office Monday morning, but then my attention was diverted when I heard Melinda ask Emmett and Nasir about their trip. As busy as I'd been helping Maggie over the previous month, I hadn't paid much attention to their planning, so I didn't realize that they were planning to spend a couple of days in London meeting friends of a friend. I didn't know for sure, but I had a good idea who the friend was, and figured these must have been the guys he met when he traveled to London after graduation. The same guys he later met up with in New York for New Year's Eve. One of them could even be the guy who had kissed him that night. I took a bite of the cracker I'd been holding and chewed it carefully before I swallowed, snippets of the conversation filtering past my thoughts. Emmett spoke about one of the men they were meeting being a soccer player, and I remembered Jasper telling me about his friends during one of the long talks we'd had the spring break of our Freshman year. Jasper had laughed when he mentioned that the handsome professional player believed himself lucky to have captured the other guy's heart, while his boyfriend, who had never seen himself as much of a catch, was thrilled that the soccer player wanted to be with him. Jasper said they were perfect for each other, and from everything I just heard they seemed to still be together. I envied them that. I just wished I could remember their names.

Suddenly I felt a presence and a small arm was being slipped around me as Seth commented "You've been nibbling on that cracker for five minutes."

"Just thinking," I told him. And then, when he made it clear that he was waiting for me to continue, I added "Are these Jasper's friends you guys are going to meet in London?"

Seth confirmed my suspicions and Emmett, hearing Jasper's name, turned around and joined our conversation. I didn't want to do it. I tried to stop myself. But in the end, the words tumbled from my lips as though I had no control and I heard myself asking if they spoke with Jasper and how he was. Emmett gave me his routine vague answer. I knew it was vague because Jasper was selective about the information he shared, and I knew Emmett's friendship with me was the main reason for his reluctance to give Emmett any personal details. It hurt to know that even after so many years, I was the one stain on their relationship they could not erase or get past. Yet even though it was painful every time, I had to ask, and it was somewhat of a relief to hear Emmett say that Jasper seemed happy.

"That's good. I want him to be happy," I said, staring into my drink. I wished he could have been happy with me, but since that seemed not to be in the cards, I wanted him to be happy in life, whatever he was doing and whoever he was doing it with. Seth said something about wanting me to be happy as well and I replied with an assurance that I couldn't be anything but with friends like him and Emmett, and as the three of us embraced I did feel that sense of comfort and belonging that I never experienced before the three of us became friends, or at least never experienced it with anyone other than my mom or Jasper. At the same time, the restlessness and anxiety that'd been growing inside me buzzed beneath the surface of my skin, like an itch I couldn't quite scratch. With every passing day, every passing hour, the urge to flee, to leave everything behind, was growing stronger and stronger.

The party went on, as always. Maggie was probably disappointed about my interlude with Juan, as always, but she didn't make a big deal out of it so she didn't spoil my fun. As I was leaving I thanked Seth for his exemplary staff hiring skills, both of us enjoying equally keeping our little secret from Garrett while speaking right in front of him. I was fine driving home, and it was only after I got into bed and curled up with Remmy that the emotional exhaustion hit me with full force. I had such great friends, who really cared about me, and yet as much as I genuinely enjoyed their company, being around them was always so draining. Hearing about Jasper didn't help, even though I had no one to blame for that but myself, and neither did knowing that soon Emmett & Seth would be meeting his British friends, intermingling further with his world while I remained on the outside, hoping for a glimpse of what he was doing and never getting enough.

I didn't sleep much that night. After a few hours of lying in bed, my brain wrestling with churning thoughts, I finally gave up and got up to write in the Jasper journal. It wasn't a daily ritual anymore, but it helped on the days or nights that were particularly painful or confusing. I wrote for a long time, the mere act of transferring my thoughts onto a permanent medium helping me organize them and make more sense out of them. When there was nothing left to write, I went back to read previous entries. I hadn't written much while I was in Stehekin, and what I had written there was more peaceful, merely relaying things I'd experienced and how much I wished he had been there to experience them with me. Even reading about what happened during those months helped to calm me further, reinforcing my belief that it was better for me to be away from Seattle and its constant reminders. As dawn started to break, I closed the word processing program and pulled up the Internet browser, typing in Boulder into the search box and continuing my research of the city I was hoping would soon become my new home.

It wasn't easy thinking about what Emmett, Nasir, Seth and Garrett were up to with Jasper's friends in London. Fortunately, figuring I might get a little lonely while they were gone, I planned a trip of my own to California, to visit Troy and Zack. I left Wednesday after work, arriving in Berkeley late so that the boys and I had little time for more than hello hugs and a quick tour of their apartment before they had to get to sleep. The following day, while the boys were at work and school, I checked out the neighborhood before making my way over to see the campus. As someone who gave tours for a living, I didn't need to be led around to be shown the sights, doing just fine on my own. I made sure to be back in the apartment before the boys returned, picking up groceries and cooking them dinner in a reversal of roles from times back in Covington when they used to do the same for me. That evening we ate and stayed in, the boys filling me in on everything they had been doing since moving into their new place. I'd heard most of it already, of course, during our frequent calls, but wanted to hear it all from them in person anyway. I was happy to see they had settled in well. Their apartment was small and cozy, but they had a small den in addition to their bedroom, equipped with a pull out sofa for guests. Zack loved his school program and the research project he was working on with the professor who convinced him to transfer. Troy, likewise, enjoyed his job and his new co-workers. The owner of the company he worked for was gay and tended to hire gay employees, so Troy fit in and made a lot of friends at work quickly. The best part was that since Troy's friends were in the security business and Zack's classmates and friends, most of whom were straight, were researching security systems, the two groups actually mingled well.

"We pick their brains all the time," Zack confessed. "They have really helped us understand how things work in the field. I mean, we can design the perfect security system, but if it can't be installed in the majority of the buildings, it doesn't do anyone any good. And sometimes it turns out that features we think would be very helpful would turn out to be a nuisance out there in the real world. That kind of information is invaluable!"

"Yeah, I thought I was dropping out of college, and instead I find myself guest lecturing to a bunch of Berkeley braniacs!" Troy laughed. "Who would have thought I'd be teaching you something, Professor?" he teased his boyfriend. I smiled, noticing that he'd adopted the nickname Tyrone used for Bruce. I found that to be extremely sweet.

"Oh, I can think of many things you've taught me, Leo, most of them while we were still in high school," Zack flirted back, all of us laughing, understanding exactly what he meant.

Friday night the boys hosted a party, giving me a chance to meet all of their new friends. I had fun, and even flirted a little with one of Troy's new co-workers, Mac, a smiling redhead sporting tattoo sleeves featuring a variety of mythical creatures, though I declined his offer to give me tour of his place at the end of the night. We spent Saturday in San Francisco, visiting the typical tourist sites and getting together with Brad and Stig for dinner. It was great to see those two again and to catch up on what they'd been up to. Sunday morning we went sightseeing again, and then in the afternoon I tagged along as the boys ran their usual weekend errands before we shared our final dinner before I had to fly back Monday morning. Over our meal I confessed that I envied them the chance to start over in a new place, and that I was thinking about doing the same myself.

"You'd leave Seattle?" Troy looked up, alarmed. I was a little surprised at his reaction, considering he and Zack had just done the very same thing.

"I wouldn't get much of a fresh start if I stayed where I've always been," I pointed out.

"But where would you go?" He was clearly distressed, and I saw Zack move his left hand to Troy's thigh, undoubtedly in an effort to calm him.

"I'm not sure yet, Leo. I've been thinking about Boulder, Colorado. Near Rocky Mountain National Park. It would be a great place for you boys to visit," I tempted.

Troy said nothing, but he seemed somehow deflated.

"Boulder sounds nice," Zack said softly, trying to make up for Troy's lack of enthusiasm.

"I've actually never been, but I've seen pictures and it looks really great. I think I'd enjoy it."

Troy remained silent, his eyes downcast. I shifted uneasily in my seat. "Well, that went over like a ton of bricks," I said with an uneasy chuckle. "I can only imagine what Maggie and Rosalie will say when I tell them."

"You haven't told them?" Troy was surprised.

"I haven't made up my mind yet, and you know how Maggie gets. I figured I would tell them when I was sure it was what I was doing."

"So you'd really move away from them? And the boys? And Emmett & Seth? You'd rather be all by yourself in a strange city?"

"We moved, Leo," Zack pointed out so that I didn't have to. "And Cliff moved by himself too, remember?"

"But we moved so you could go to school and Cliff moved for his job and because..." Troy stopped himself. "You love working on the mountain, Gem," he said, looking back up at me. "Why would you want to leave that?"

"It's not that I want to leave my job, or move away from people. It's more like I need to see what else is out there."

He either didn't understand or wasn't satisfied with my justification. I pressed my lips together in a tight line, frustrated and disappointed. Of all the conversations on this subject that I would have to have, I expected this to be the easiest, especially since I'd always been supportive of the things Troy felt he needed to do. Zack noticed and started to rise.

"I'll just wash the dishes while you two talk," he offered.

"You don't have to leave, Zack," I said. "There's not really anything we need to talk about, and certainly nothing we need to be alone to say. And anyway, I'd better pack up and check in for my flight, so I'm ready to go tomorrow. Excuse me, guys."

I got up and went to the den. I didn't close the door behind me, because that would have been too rude, but I needed to be alone. I was angry with Troy for his lack of understanding. Just because I was the older brother didn't mean that I didn't need him to back me up. And since my moving didn't even impact him, I didn't understand why he seemed so against it.

Checking in for my flight took no time at all, and I didn't bring enough stuff to spend more than a few minutes packing, but I stretched it for as long as I possibly could, folding all my clothes carefully and moving things around my bag, ostensibly to find a better fit, though that was thoroughly unnecessary. I could hear a murmur of conversation out in the living room, but I didn't bother to listen. More than anything, I just wanted to have a drink and stop thinking for a while. I could still taste the beer I'd had with dinner, and I wished there was a way I could go in the kitchen and grab another, or five. A little alcohol induced numbness sounded really fucking good.

Of course, I wasn't at my own place so I couldn't very well just head for the fridge and help myself. Instead, I lay down and closed my eyes, placing my forearm over my face to block out more light. If I couldn't turn off my brain, at least I could temporarily eliminate one of my senses. I felt strange, disconcerted. My insides twisted and throbbed, not painfully, but disturbingly. On occasion a shiver would run through me, like an electrical pulse. I wanted to leave, to have the comfort of my own home and my own things around me. I hadn't expected Troy's reaction to be what it was, but even if I had, I would not have been able to predict that it would impact me so physically. My anxiety was palpable. It was only with great effort that I resisted getting up and looking for a hotel near the airport to move to for the night. Logically I knew that would be an overreaction and that it would hurt the boys terribly, and yet the temptation of having my own space where I could do whatever I wanted without fear of scrutiny was powerful.

"Gem?" Leo's voice from the doorway was tentative. I felt my insides clench again.

"Yeah, Leo?" I asked without removing my arm or opening my eyes. I sounded as worn out as I felt.

"Are you OK? Do you need anything? A painkiller or something?"

"No, thanks. I'm all right." This wasn't the kind of pain that could be defeated with acetaminophen.

"Um, are you really? I mean, can we talk?"

I was tired and wired at the same time, and I really didn't feel like talking, but then I remembered that this was my little brother and that I would be leaving tomorrow. After I was gone we could talk on the phone or even Skype, but that wasn't the same as talking in person. So instead of turning away, which is what I really wanted to do, I took a deep breath, removed my arm, and turned to look at him.

"Sure, Leo. You know I'm always here for you. What do you want to talk about?"

He took a tentative step into the room, then seemed to make a decision and walked forward with determination to sit down beside me.

"When you said you were thinking of moving, earlier, you surprised me, and I reacted badly. I'm sorry for that."

I nodded. It was the best I could do. I wasn't ready to accept his apology out loud.

"I want to tell you why, so you understand. Not that it makes it better, after everything you've done for me, but..." he trailed off. I waited. He took a deep breath.

"When Zacky wanted to come out here for school, it was a big change, but this was really important to him and I didn't want to stand in the way. I guess a part of what made it OK was knowing that even though we lived here, we could always go back to see Dads and you and everybody. It was just one change, and everything else was staying the same," he stopped and I nodded again to show him that I understood. I knew how much importance he placed on stability and his explanation made sense. I could feel myself calming, the earlier anxiety giving way to my concern for Troy.

"When you said you were leaving, not for a specific reason but just because you wanted to try something new, I got upset. All I could think about was how now we would have to go to Spokane to see dads, and to Wilmington to see Cliff, and to Seattle to see Zack's mom and Moose, and to who knows where to see you. And without you in Seattle, we'd probably never see Liam and Owen and everyone else. With all these different places to go and with as little time as I have off, we'd only be able to see everyone once a year, if that much. As long as you stayed in Seattle, things would be easier, but once you moved... I know it was selfish, but that's what I was thinking," he hung his head. I sat up and put my arm around him.

"I was mad at you, because I thought you were being selfish, moving for no good reason. But Zack reminded me that we did what we felt was right for us when we moved here, without really taking other people into consideration, and that you deserve the right to do the same thing, to do what's right for you, without worrying about us."

"Leo, I'll always worry about you two, and I would never do anything to intentionally hurt either of you, but I can't stay in one place forever for you," I said, pulling him closer.

"I know," he looked at me from beneath his dark bangs. "It was wrong for me to expect everyone else to stay the same, where they were, just to make things easier for me. I'm really sorry for how I made you feel. You've always been there for me, and the first time you needed me to be there for you I just thought about myself and completely messed up. I'm sorry, Gem." His eyes filled with tears and he sniffled. "Colorado sounds like a great place, and if you think moving there is gonna help you feel better, then you should go."

"And we will come out to visit," Zack said from the doorway. Troy and I both looked over at him.

"You're both welcome to visit, any time," I assured them. "And I'll come out to see you too. But I'm not gonna give up the Covington house, so we can coordinate our Seattle visits together as well."

Troy turned back to look at me, his eyes wide. I could see this was a possibility he never considered. "So we could see the boys? And everyone else?" He turned to look at Zack, who walked into the room and sat beside Troy as well.

"Guys," I said patiently. "You know everyone would love to see you any time you're in Seattle, whether I'm there or not. But if we do happen to be in town together, I could throw a Bar-b-que at the house and invite everyone, sure. Your dads could fly in as well!"

"Oh, that would be cool! To have everyone together. Maybe even Cliff and Derek!" As soon as the words were out he looked over at me in alarm. "Or maybe not." he added quietly. "I mean, we don't need everyone."

"You could invite them, Leo," I said with a sigh. "Though they probably wouldn't come."

Troy opened his mouth as if to say something, then closed it again. I huffed in exasperation. "What? Just say it."

"Nothing," he muttered and looked away, then looked back. "It's just, it's been a long time, and I thought by now you and Cliff would have patched things up. I know you don't care for Derek, but he's not a bad guy. He's always nice to me and Zack when we visit and he treats Cliff really well."

"I'm not the one who decided to cut off contact with Cliff, Leo," I pointed out.

"Yeah, but Cliff only did that because Derek knew how you felt about him. And he feels bad about it."

"Not bad enough to start talking to me, though."

"Well, no. But maybe if you gave Derek a chance you'd see that he's not so bad."

"Do you really think Derek's the right guy for Cliff? Don't you think Cliff deserves someone who will love him openly?"

Troy shrugged. "He makes Cliff happy. It's not a relationship I would want, but I'm not Cliff and he seems OK with it. I remember when we told Zack's mom about us. I wasn't exactly the guy she would have picked for him either. And it was even worse after we broke up and got back together. But she trusted Zack, both times, and everything's great between us now."

I didn't enjoy it much when my little brother found holes in my logic, but in this instance he was right. We couldn't always find ideal partners for our friends and family. If Maggie and I had been close before she met Rosalie, I probably would not have been thrilled to see her choice of girlfriends. And yet, even though they were completely different, they worked well together. And Zack and Troy were perfect together, even if on paper Troy was not anyone's dream partner for their only son. Still, this was different. It wasn't just a matter of Derek having a medical condition or being a headstrong or temperamental. He was making a choice to keep his relationship with Cliff secret, and regardless of what reasons he might have, even good reasons, Cliff deserved better. I knew Cliff felt differently, but I hated the thought of him being hurt if he changed his mind later and Derek still insisted on remaining in the closet.

"For what it's worth, Derek did come out to his family in Washington," Troy added, as if reading my thoughts. "And I think if he was ever forced to make a choice, he would choose Cliff over his job. He's just trying to avoid a situation where he is forced to make the choice. And Cliff understands and supports that. He knows how important what Derek does is to him, and he doesn't want to jeopardize Derek's success by forcing him to come out."

"Things are good for them right now, Edward. They found a way to make their relationship work within the constraints of the situation, and they make each other happy," Zack threw in.

I shook my head and ran a hand over my face. "Look, I know Derek's won the rest of you over, and that's fine. And I understand it would be a lot easier for everyone if I'd just get on board. But I... I can't," I shook my head again. "Maybe someday, but not yet."

"It's okay, Gem," Troy said quietly, turning to pull me into a hug. "I shouldn't have brought it up. It has nothing to do with us."

"I know, Leo. And things may still change someday. Just not yet. I'm still not there yet," I hugged him back, then looked up, opened my one arm wider and beckoned for Zack to join us, which he readily did.

A couple of days after their return to Seattle, I got together with Seth, Garrett, Emmett & Nasir to hear all about their trip. I had an uneasy, anxious feeling the entire drive into the city. Getting together with two happy couples to hear all about their romantic vacation was not something I looked forward to, but Seth had sounded so excited when he called to ask me over, I couldn't tell him no. And as much as I tried, when Emmett & Seth took me to the den to show me their souvenir picture with the London Arsenal soccer team, I couldn't help staring at the photo which, beside my friends and the players, also included three unfamiliar men.

"These must be Jasper's friends?" I asked, staring at them intently. There was a stocky brunet standing so closely next to a reed thin platinum blond that they were clearly a couple. The third man stood smiling with Garrett. He was good looking enough, with light brown hair and a pleasant smile, but definitely no head-turner. I wondered if this was the man I saw with Jasper in New York.

"Yeah," Emmett replied. "The two guys together are Dré and Vince. Vince is quiet and Dré is a total diva, but they make a good couple. They've been together for years, since boarding school. The guy standing next to Garrett is Greg. His partner, Viktor, is on the team - the striker lifting Seth. Lukasz, the goalie, is also one of us, and he's with Kieran," he pointed to a slight black player standing next to him. "Armand," Emmett pointed at another player, "is straight, but he and his girlfriend, Fiona, came with the rest of us for a private capsule ride on the London Eye. So even without Justin we had our token." This made Seth chortle.

I tried to process the information. If the four men in the picture who were Jasper's friends were all paired up, then none of them were the man he was with in Times Square. I desperately wanted to ignore my curiosity, but I couldn't help asking "So are these the only friends of Jasper's you met? Did they say anything about the time he lived there?" Did they mention anyone he dated? Or what he might be doing now? Anything at all? Most of my questions, thankfully, went unsaid.

"We didn't meet anyone else," Seth supplied, "though the first night we went out I got Viktor to mention a break up before Greg intercepted him. After that, no one said anything else the entire time we were there. We know Jasper lived with Greg & Viktor for part of the time he was in London for his internship, but I could learn nothing about the rest of his time there!" Seth's frustration at his inability to gather more meaningful information was obvious.

"It certainly wasn't for your lack of trying, Sweetie," Emmett tried to soothe his best friend's agitation by rubbing his back. "We were all a little surprised at the lengths Jasper apparently went to, to prevent us from getting any detailed information about his personal life, down to imposing an information blackout on his friends over there," our big friend shook his head, clearly perplexed. "We didn't even meet Rick."

"Rick?"

Seth & Emmett looked at me, surprised. "Yeah, Rick. The guy Jasper hooked up with the first time he was in London, and then again in New York," Seth said cautiously.

"You didn't know about Rick?" Emmett asked gently, as my shock must have reflected on my face. I shook my head.

"Jasper told me about London, but never said the guy's name. And he didn't tell me anything about New York. Was Rick the guy he kissed in Times Square on New Year's Eve our Freshman year?" So I finally had a name to put together with the guy I saw on TV.

"Wait," Seth narrowed his eyes. "If Jasper didn't tell you anything about New York, how do you know he kissed someone in Times Square on New Year's Eve?"

I froze. I'd never told anyone why I was planted squarely in front of the television every New Year's eve, though they had all guessed that I was watching for Jasper. Would knowing that I had seen him that year make me more or less pathetic in their eyes? I watched helplessly as Seth's eyes widened with recognition.

"Oh my God, you saw him that night!"

There was no point denying it, but I couldn't say anything or look at him either. And apparently I didn't have to, because in seconds he was pressed up against me with his arms wrapped around me and Emmett was literally right behind him, hugging me too.

"So it's been more than just a random hope for a sighting?" Seth asked when he finally pulled away, though he already knew the answer. "All these years you've been hoping the cameras would catch him again?"

"There's not much difference between the two," I acknowledged. "But the first time I almost missed him. I'd been drinking and I'd slept through most of the telecast. Some noise woke me up and the TV was on and he was there, on the screen. And I know it's crazy, but I keep thinking that if it happened once, there's no reason why it couldn't happen again. Anyway, I can't stop watching. Besides you guys, it's the only connection to him I have left."

Seth didn't say anything more, just hugged me again tightly, and Emmett squeezed my shoulders. I felt better having told them, but it did nothing to lessen the restlessness and anxiety, which recurred more and more frequently.

I drove to Port Townsend for Thanksgiving and was surprised to find that it was just mom and me for dinner. When I asked about Michael and his daughters mom grimaced.

"Things between me and Michael didn't work out," she said. "We're still on good terms, but we wanted different things and there just wasn't a way for both of us to get what we needed."

"I don't understand. You seemed so compatible."

"We were very compatible, in most respects. We enjoyed spending time together, shared many interests, and liked each other's families. But Michael had been alone for a long time and he wanted to get married again. He was fine with the long distance relationship at first, as we were getting to know one another, but as time went on he wanted more. But between his restaurant and my inn, there really wasn't much more we could do, short of one of us giving up our business. He suggested I give up the inn, because his restaurant had been more established and because his girls were still in school and he did not want to uproot them, which made perfect sense, theoretically. But I'm not ready for another marriage, and I told him I may never be. I also love running this inn, and I'm not ready to give up my dream and my independence. So the distance that made this the ideal relationship in the beginning, ended up killing it too."

"Wait. So when you told him you didn't want to give up your business and move to Port Angeles to get married, he just gave up on your relationship? Despite everything else going so well? As soon as things got a little difficult and didn't go his way, he just quit?" the good opinion that I'd had of Michael disappeared in an instant. Mom sighed.

"It wasn't like that, Edward. This was a mutual decision. I knew from the moment we started dating, even before then, really, how important Michael's daughters were to him. It was one of the things I admired the most about him. But I should have realized that with two teenagers at home a long-distance romance would be challenging for him in the short term and impossible to sustain in the long run."

"Seems to me he should have realized it too. Even more so than you. He shouldn't have started something he knew he wouldn't be able to finish."

For some reason, this made her smile. She reached over and put her hand to my face, running her thumb over my cheek.

"I appreciate your indignation, Edward, I do, but it's not necessary in this case. Michael and I are adults. We both knew what we were getting into and we both realized when it was time to get out. We liked each other well enough to give the relationship a try, but then we didn't quite feel strongly enough to make the sacrifices we would have had to make to stay together so we decided to cut our losses. It's all right. It happens all the time. Not every relationship is meant to last forever. And I'm fine, Darling. I've even been out on a couple of dates since then."

"You have? When did this happen? Why didn't you say something earlier?"

Mom laughed. "Well, let's see. Michael and I broke up in the middle of October and I haven't said anything because I wanted to have this conversation with you in person, and I haven't seen you since then. As for the dates, they were very casual and I enjoyed that. I think that may be a good way for me to go, at least for a while. I'm happy running my business and going out to dinner or a movie from time to time with someone, with no strings attached."

I sat back in my seat and relaxed a bit, until it occurred to me that mom sounded just like me, and I sure as hell hoped the "no strings" wasn't a reference to what it would have been if I'd used the expression. She must have seen it all play out across my face, because she started laughing again. She said nothing, though, just ruffled my hair as if I was still a little boy and went into the kitchen to get dessert.

The weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas were tough. There were just too many social occasions where I was faced with happy couples: friends, family, colleagues, all of them enjoying sharing the holiday season together. And as if that wasn't bad enough, it seemed like everyone had an opinion or a comment about my single status. Sometimes it was envy: "Damn, Edward. Wish I could get head just by walking in the door like you do," and "Yeah, I used to be a player too once upon a time," sometimes followed by a bitter, "Enjoy it while it lasts!" Most of the time, though, it was either "Single, huh? I've got just the guy for you;" or "I get the fear of commitment thing. I used to feel the same way, until I met" fill in the blank with Mr. or Ms. perfect's name; or, worst of all, "Having trouble finding the right guy? I'm so glad I don't have to be out there anymore. It's fucking brutal!"

Yeah, no one had to tell me it was brutal out there or remind me that I couldn't even find a right guy, much less the perfect guy. I was so tired of hearing the same thing, party after party. My nerves were getting rubbed raw and I noticed that it took more and more liquid courage to face people, and more still when I got home to calm down until I could drift off to sleep. And almost always now, underneath whatever persona I'd adopted for the day, there was an urge to turn and run, an urge to get far away where people would have to take the time to get to know me before they could make assumptions and feel free to make obnoxious comments. Even my time with Liam and Owen, usually my solace and escape, was no longer sacred. When I was watching the boys one Thursday to give Maggie time to finish up her Christmas shopping and preparations, Liam looked up at me innocently and asked when I was going to have a boyfriend like uncle Emmett & uncle Seth. Startled, at first I didn't know how to respond.

"I'm not sure, Bud. Why, do you think I need one?"

Liam nodded vigorously. "Boyfriends make you happy."

"They do?" I asked, taken aback.

Liam nodded again. "Uncle Seth always smiles and so does Uncle Emmett. You only smile sometimes."

I had to turn away to compose myself. I'd thought I'd done a good job keeping up a happy front for the boys. Things must have been really bad if even they could see right through me.

"You know," I said, turning back to him with as bright a smile as I could manage. "Not all boyfriends make you happy. You have to find the right one. I guess I'm just not as good at that as uncle Seth and uncle Emmett."

"I can help you look," Liam offered. "I'm good at it. I always find Owen."

My smile widened even as I teared up a bit, the kid absolutely melting my heart. I pulled him into a close hug. "It's a deal, Liam. The next time we're out, you help me look."

Maggie and Rosalie hosted their families as well as me and Mom, so I didn't have to go far, but even this close and familial gathering didn't provide the relief I so desperately needed. As much as I liked Rosalie's brother on a personal level, I thought he had a most rotten sense of timing, choosing Christmas to announce his engagement to Zoe. Of course I was as excited for them as everyone else, especially his parents, who had been waiting for the couple to make this decision for quite some time. What I didn't appreciate so much was that, when he was apparently overwhelmed with the attention and scrutiny brought on by their announcement, Jason tried to deflect some of it in my direction.

"So I guess that just leaves you now, Edward, as the last single holdout in the family. How about it? Any plans to change your status? Any special guys you might bring around for the rest of us to meet?"

I gave him a scowl that was entirely inappropriate given the holiday, but he just smirked and shrugged. I narrowed my eyes, already planning my revenge with a future barrage of questions about when he and Zoe would start having kids. None of those would help me now, however, and there was nothing I could do when Siobhan turned to me and said gently.

"It has been a while, Edward, since you introduced us to anyone. Are the options out there really that slim or are you just enjoying your bachelor status?"

I glanced at my mom who said nothing, but was watching me and listening for my response.

"Well, you know I was up in the wilderness for five months, so I've just gotten back into the dating scene," I replied uncomfortably. "And great guys don't exactly grow on trees."

"Uncle Edward needs the right boyfriend," Liam piped up, happy to be able to contribute to the conversation. "And I'm gonna help him look. We already talked about it," he emphasized his point with a serious nod.

Everyone erupted with laughter. Even I couldn't hold back a smile. Rosalie looked at me with an arched eyebrow. "You have, huh?" she asked her oldest son.

"Yeah. I'm good at finding people. I always find Owen," he repeated the reasoning he gave me.

"I help find too!" Owen exclaimed, not wanting to be left out.

We all laughed again.

"It's wonderful that you two want to help," Rosalie said. "But finding the right boyfriend for uncle Edward is going to be quite a challenge. You'd better eat some more of your dinner, Owen, and both of you will need plenty of sleep, so no complaining at bedtime, all right?" she looked back at me and winked. I wasn't sure how to feel about her use of my personal failure as a motivator for the boys, but Owen, finicky as he was, did need to eat more, and sleep was a good thing for both of them, so I couldn't exactly fault her intentions.

"It might help if uncle Edward set a good example and cleaned his plate as well," Maggie added, looking at me pointedly. I shot her an annoyed look, but she was right. I hadn't been eating as regularly as I should since coming back to Seattle, and it was starting to show. With a sigh, wondering when my sister had turned back into a shrew, I took another bite of the half-eaten food on my plate, happy to see Owen follow suit.

The conversation turned to other topics, but I couldn't keep dark thoughts from flooding my mind as I ate mechanically to serve as a good example for my nephews. No matter where I went or who I was with, I couldn't get away from the oppressive scrutiny. I closed my eyes and daydreamed of a life where I didn't have to answer for my behavior to anyone but myself.

Mom, who had mercifully left me alone during the public scrutiny session, came up to me after we finished eating. She gave me a warm hug, which was probably intended to make me feel better, but put me on guard instead.

"I'm worried about you, Darling. You're doing a good job of hiding it, but I can tell something's bothering you. What is it?"

"It's nothing, Mom. I'm just a little tired," I tried to put her off.

"You miss your friends and Zack and Leo?" she guessed. "And maybe it's a little hard getting through the season alone?"

I looked at her carefully. After all, she was going through the season alone as well.

"I'm okay, Edward. We're not talking about me," she said, reading my thoughts. "But you, well, maybe you should get a little more serious about your search? I know the right boy for you is out there. You just have to open your heart so you can find each other."

"How do you know, Mom? How can you be so sure?" I challenged. "Who says that everyone has a perfect match out there, or that they will necessarily find each other, or realize it when they do? I mean, Carlisle wasn't your perfect match and you stopped looking."

Mom sighed and I instantly felt awful about using my creep of a father against her. "I'm sorry, Mom. I didn't mean it that way."

"I know, Darling. But you're right. I stopped looking for my perfect match. Do you know why? Because I got something better. I got you! So I delayed my search for a while, but I haven't given up, and neither should you. I think if we make a bit of effort we can both find men who are right for us."

I snorted. "You wanna be my wing woman?"

Mom smiled. "Now there's an intriguing thought, and I will certainly keep that in mind, but let's you and I try measures that are a bit less drastic before we resort to cruising bars together, okay?"

I smiled sheepishly as she ruffled my hair again, then slipped her arm under mine and leaned on me. "Do we have a deal?"

"Yeah, Mom," I said reluctantly. "We have a deal."

"Good," she said, rising up onto her tiptoes to kiss my cheek. "Because I'd hate to see you this troubled again next year."

Though Christmas ended on a positive note, riding up the elevator to yet another one of Seth's New Year's Eve parties, the misery that I'd been feeling throughout the holiday season returned. Once again I wished I hadn't let people pressure me into going to this party. The only saving grace was that if I went ahead with my move, this could very well be the last time. They couldn't make me come to the party if I lived in another state.

I stretched my neck from side to side and brought up my left hand to rub away some of the tension I was feeling. I looked at myself in the elevator mirror. On the outside I looked good. After getting a call from Seth that the evening would be semi-formal and I'd better have something new to wear, I went out and bought a new ensemble consisting of a deep chocolate velvet blazer and vest with contrasting black grosgrain trim over a white cotton button-down sports shirt, opened at the collar, and black pin-striped pants. It was the perfect semi-formal outfit, designed to lure in whatever fuckable staff Seth had hired for the night. I hadn't bothered to pick up any tricks since the Halloween party, so my dick was more than ready for action.

Once the elevator doors opened on the 15th floor, I adopted my party face so that no one, with the possible exception of Seth, would have a clue how fucking tired I was of playing this game of pretend, and how impossible it was becoming to spend any time with my closest and so-fucking-happily-paired-up friends. I promised Seth I wouldn't make any decisions until the new year, and I was true to my word, but that deadline was almost up. I finally came to terms with the fact that in Seattle, with constant reminders of Jasper, there was little hope of ever forgetting how I felt about him. The only thing left to try was to relocate, just as he had done. I hoped a new town, new job, and a change of social scene would help me feel better. I'd miss them all, sure, especially Liam and Owen, but it was a price I was willing to pay.

My decision made and my smirk firmly in place, I strolled into the penthouse casually, the way I always did, pausing briefly to chuckle at Seth's latest ice sculpture - Rodin's thinker with a rather impressive hard-on springing from his lap. As always, I shook my head in wonder at Seth's warped imagination and Garrett's willingness to spare no expense to indulge it. Garrett himself was manning the entrance and we hugged closely, exchanging new year's greetings. Moving further inside, I spotted Emmett and Nasir, chatting with Leah and a guy I'd never seen before.

"Eddie!" Emmett boomed, opening up arms I eagerly stepped into, grateful to have this small measure of comfort. "How are you doing, buddy?"

"Oh, you know. Same as always," I gave the routine reply. "Does no good to complain."

Emmett no longer commiserated. After all, these days he had nothing to complain about. He merely patted my back in understanding and released me to exchange an equally close hug with Nasir. Out of respect for her date, I didn't try to hug Leah, opting to kiss her hand instead before being introduced to the man at her side, Sean something or other. That done, Nasir began regaling us with stories from his first Christmas, including how he could not handle the Minnesota weather.

"I did love the snow, though," he related excitedly, "so we're organizing a trip to Telluride in February for Gay Ski Week with Seth, Garrett, Justin and Melinda. We would love for you both to come with us."

I glanced at Seth's sister who looked just about as non-committal as I felt. I shrugged my shoulders lightly and murmured that I'd have to check my calendar. At least Leah had her pick of boy toys to bring with her on the trip. I'd just be the 9th wheel - not exactly my favorite position. Besides, by February I could very well be setting up a new place in Boulder.

As we chatted, I looked towards the door. More and more people filtered in, including Garret's brother and sister-in law and Maggie and Rosalie. I recognized some people from previous gatherings - Seth and Garrett's co-workers and some of their other, more casual acquaintances. Garrett was still manning his door post alone. I hadn't seen any sign of Seth.

Excusing myself from the group, I made my way to the bar, wondering who I'd find there, actively hoping for an unfamiliar face. Juan was great. He knew how to suck cock and had a nice, surprisingly tight ass. But if I hooked up with him again tonight we'd be dangerously close to forming an exclusive relationship, at least on my part, and I was ready for a change of pace.

One glance behind the bar told me that the clairvoyant Mr. Clearwater struck again. The boy serving drinks was tall with a blond buzz cut, classic Slavic features and a name tag that read "Milan." He filled out his waiter's uniform very well, too. I smiled as I ordered a glass of the Campanile Pinot Grigio, and received a smile in return that assured me before the night was over I'd find out in person if Czech boys lived up to their reputation. I hung around the bar for a while, trading double entendres with Milan when he wasn't serving other guests, until my sister stepped up beside me and gave me one of her pointed looks. I rolled my eyes, smiled apologetically and gave Milan a wink that told him I'd be back later, before accompanying Maggie to re-join our group of friends.

More time passed as I tried to look interested in the group conversation, while really letting my mind wander aimlessly. My musings and all the conversations in the nearly full room stopped upon hearing the sound of metal striking glass. All eyes turned to Garrett, who stood in the center of the room, now joined by Seth.

"Everyone, if I could just have your attention for a brief moment. Seth and I have something that we'd like to share with you all and then, we promise, we'll let you go back to your conversations." Garrett paused a little, making sure that he did indeed, have everyone's attention.

"First of all, we hope you all have had a wonderful holiday season and we'd like to thank you for being here to help us ring in the new year. Secondly, as most of you know, a little more than a year and a half ago I met Seth Clearwater, and I knew from the moment I saw him that he was a very special man. As we got to know each other I realized I was meant to be with him for the rest of my life," Garrett captured his lover's chin with his free hand and gazed down at him with clear devotion. Seth returned the look with equal intensity. My stomach was beginning to knot up in anticipation of what was coming next.

"It took a little longer for my beautiful Seth to accept it, but eventually he too acknowledged the force that pulled us together. And tonight I would like to announce that over the Christmas holidays I asked and Seth accepted my proposal, and that in a few months he will do me the honor of formally becoming my husband and grant me the honor of becoming his. Details of the ceremony still need to be to be worked out, but we hope you will all join us this June to witness and celebrate our commitment to each other."

The crowd broke out into excited applause and cheers. Everyone was smiling widely in approval, even if those of us who knew Seth best were a little stunned. Justin moved forward to join Seth and Garrett, raising his wine glass.

"Ladies and gentlemen, please allow this one additional interruption. As Garrett's older brother, I'd just like to say that from the moment I met Seth, I knew my brother found himself a very special little Injun." As Justin spoke, I saw annoyance cross Melinda's face and heard gasps from a couple of shocked guests who apparently were not used to his complete lack of political correctness and Seth's easy acceptance of it. "And now that they decided to make their union official - or as official as the state of Washington will let them, the bastards - I will proudly welcome him to our family as my other little brother. My very little brother. Seriously, these are the two best guys I know, and I hope you will all join me in congratulating them on their engagement and wishing them all the happiness in their life together."

Everyone in the crowd unanimously raised their glasses to drink to the clearly happy couple. I followed their lead, feeling genuinely happy for the guys, but Garrett's announcement caught me like a punch to the gut. As quickly as I could without seeming rude, I excused myself and made my way to the powder room which, thankfully, was unoccupied. I set down my wine glass and leaned heavily on the counter. I let my mask slip, and the face I saw reflected in the mirror showed every bit of the agony I felt. It wasn't that I begrudged Seth his happiness. He was a good friend who had been there for me countless times, and he deserved to be with a man as good as Garrett. But the constant reminders of everyone else's happiness amplified the emptiness of my life, and as hard as I had worked to get out of it years ago, I knew I was sliding back into depression. My appetite was ebbing and I was drinking more, and my mood had certainly not been positive. I had no idea how much longer I could rely on myself to effectively monitor my behavior. If I stayed in Seattle and kept feeling this way, I would have to ask someone for help, and then everyone would know that I fucked up my own life again, just as I'd fucked up every relationship I tried my hand at. Everyone would realize that I was a complete failure. And even though I knew these people cared about me, I didn't think I could live as the object of their pity.

I put down the cover and sat on the toilet, running my hand repeatedly through my hair, as if I could somehow finger comb out the despondency. After a minute or so of this, realizing the stupidity of my actions, I got up and adopted my party face again. I knew if I didn't rejoin my friends soon, they would start to get concerned. They never did like to leave me alone for long periods of time on New Year's Eve. Smart friends. Good friends. Friends who cared about me and would suffer if I did anything stupid to hurt myself again. I really had to move, get a fresh start elsewhere, for their sake as much as mine.

I picked up my glass, and left the powder room in search of our group. I finally saw them with Seth and Garrett, who were graciously accepting everyone's congratulations. When I rejoined the group I hugged Garrett first, then pulled Seth into a tight embrace, letting him go only to grab his left hand to admire the ring, not because I had any particular desire to see it, but because I knew this would please him. I whistled appreciatively and sincerely upon seeing the opulent yet classy yellow diamond in a white and yellow gold setting.

"Wow, Garrett, you sure don't fool around. This is an impressive and unique piece of decoration. Of course, knowing your impeccable taste in everything else, I would expect nothing less."

Garrett tipped his wine glass to me and took a sip. "Thank you, Edward. You are very kind. Of course, I was inspired by Seth, the most impressive and unique man I know."

"Aw, Honey," Seth purred, reaching up for and receiving a kiss from his man, "that's so sweet."

"It is the truth, Sweetness," Garrett replied. "You inspire me in everything I do."

Seth flipped his hair back to silently acknowledge the accuracy of Garrett's words, but I could see that he was beaming with pleasure, too. He might not ever admit it publicly, but those of us closest to him knew that in Garrett our little power bottom had finally met his match, and that he would be only too happy to cede the position of power to Garrett, if the situation called for it.

"So don't keep us in suspense any longer," Maggie encouraged Seth, "tell us all about it. How did Garrett propose?"

Seth flipped his hair again and took a deep breath.

"Well," he paused dramatically. "As you can imagine, it was very romantic. But Garrett was quite sneaky as well. It's a bit of a long story, though, so perhaps we'd better sit?"

We all moved to a group of seats arranged together for easy conversation. Seth took the center teacup chair that looked remarkably like a monarch's throne, right sized for our small friend. Garrett, always the perfect consort, stood behind him. Several people from other groups joined us to hear Seth's account of the engagement. I wished I didn't have to stay for this story, but there just wasn't any way to leave gracefully or subtly. Resigned to my fate, I planted myself behind the sitting Maggie and Rose, and prepared to hear all about Garrett's romantic overtures.

"It was Christmas day," Seth began. "We had opened all our presents first thing and then had a wonderful Christmas brunch with Garrett's family."

"With our family," Garrett interjected, placing a hand on Seth's shoulder. "They are your family too, now, Sweetness."

Seth moved his hand up to rest over Garrett's for a moment and looked up at him. "You're right, Honey. Of course they are," he said lovingly before turning back to his audience.

"So we'd eaten and we called Nasir and tried to call Emmett, who was too busy playing in the snow with his brother to talk to us," the last was said in a mockingly accusatory tone directed at his best friend.

"The snowmobile was too loud for me to hear the ring," Em protested, rising both hands up defensively. We could all tell the two friends were joking.

"Yes, yes," Seth waived his arm dismissively, "You used that excuse before. Anyway, Garrett and I were in the den, alone, relaxing on the sofa in front of the fire, just talking about families and traditions. We talked about how wonderful and accepting his parents were, both of him and of me," Seth paused for a moment, a bit choked up. Garrett tightened his grip on Seth's shoulder and from the corner of my eye I saw Seth's sister, Leah, tense up. Seth looked over to her and gave the slightest, almost imperceptible shake of the head, causing her to relax. "And then Garret started talking about what a wonderful marriage his parents had and also his brother, Justin, and how he'd always wanted to be a good husband as well.

"So I told him that, of course, he was a wonderful partner, but if he wanted to be a husband he'd have to change his orientation, because in the state of Washington that's the only way it could legally happen. And he pointed out that some gay couples go through commitment ceremonies."

"And Seth was quick to say that a commitment ceremony sounds like something they do to insane people right before they lock them away in a mental institution," Garrett contributed. The group broke into gentle laughter. "He commented that he didn't understand what the fuss was all about, since the ceremony had no legal meaning. He thought if the relationship wasn't broke, why fix it, and if it was broke, a commitment ceremony wouldn't make any difference."

"Yes," Seth continued, rolling his eyes. "Clearly, I had no idea where he was leading me, and until this past week that's pretty much how I felt. But I have, on exceptionally rare occasions, actually been known to be wrong."

Emmett pretended to stumble back a bit and we all laughed appreciatively. "You need to warn people to hold onto something before you say such outrageous things, Sweetie," he teased a none-too-amused Seth.

"I think that's more than enough from you, Emmy," he said frostily, glaring at Emmett for a few seconds before resuming his previous happy demeanor. "Anyway, Garrett just let me go on and on with my thoughts about commitment ceremonies, pointing out the counter arguments, without giving me any hints as to what he may be up to."

"I wanted to give you a chance to get the theoretical objections out of your system, Sweetness," Garrett contributed, "so that you'd know I'd really thought about and considered all of them before I asked my question."

"And after hearing all that, weren't you worried that he'd say no?" Maggie asked, undoubtedly thinking how stubborn and headstrong our little friend could be.

"That had occurred to me," Garrett admitted. I looked at him sharply, admiring his candor. "But I held positive thoughts and hoped for the best. And if that had happened, I was prepared to wait and ask again, and again, and again, until I managed to change his mind. Thankfully, this time Seth made it easy for me."

I chuckled, remembering the machinations Garrett went through to secure Seth's affections in the first place. Seth's immediate acceptance of his proposal certainly must have seemed like a cakewalk compared to that.

"Well, you certainly didn't make it easy on me, Gar," Seth complained, looking up and then turning, once again, to the rest of us. "After I finished my diatribe he turned to me and said, with a Cheshire Cat grin, 'Then I guess you wouldn't be interested in the question I was going to ask you today or the ring in my pocket that goes along with it?' I nearly fell off the sofa! My mouth hung open and my eyes must have bugged out of my head."

"They did," Garrett confirmed. "It was most adorable."

"'So all that talk about marriage and commitment wasn't just talk?' I asked him. And he smiled and shook his head. Then he got all serious and got off the sofa and onto one knee in front of me, and said... wait," Seth paused. "I don't need to tell you what he said. He's right here, after all. Honey, you tell them." He looked back up to Garret and Garrett obediently spoke, though his eyes never left Seth's.

"I said 'Seth, you are the love of my life and the man I want to be with for the rest of our days. We don't need anybody's sanction or consent to do that, but it would make me the happiest man alive to be publicly introduced as your spouse in front of our friends and loved ones, and for us to wear marriage bands to symbolize our union. So even if the State of Washington will not recognize the legality of it, Seth Clearwater, will you be my husband?'"

There were sighs from all the women in the group, and even I had to admit, Garrett had a way with words. He may not have been on one knee this time, but hearing him say the words was as good as being there Christmas day.

"I just sat there and kept saying 'Oh my God! Oh my God!' and I actually shed a couple of tears, I think," Seth picked up the story again. "Then I saw him reaching into his pocket for the ring and I didn't even want to see it. I didn't care. Because it wasn't about the ring. So I just threw my arms around him and kissed him and told him 'yes.'"

"Just forgot all about the ring, huh?" I couldn't help but tease him a little.

"At first," he acknowledged after sending me a hard look. "But, of course, Garrett remembered and showed it to me a few moments later. And wow!" Seth looked at the ring on his left hand before holding it out for everyone's examination. "I mean, wow! Have you ever seen anything so gorgeous? My husband to be has excellent taste! Of course," he added haughtily, "I already knew that. It's just one of the many reasons I fell in love with him."

"That's a wonderful story, guys," Rosalie said. "Congratulations! I know you don't have details, but any idea on what you'll do for your ceremony?"

"Of course we have ideas," Seth said imperiously. "Garrett suggested that given my, um, theoretical objections, I might want a very small and intimate ceremony, but that just would not do. If we're going to get married, legally or not, we're going to have a proper ceremony and reception, with everyone there to witness it. I don't know what we're doing yet, but it will be the party of the season!"

We all nodded amongst ourselves, none of us expecting anything less. Maggie and Rose leaned in to talk more about the reception. The engagement story now over, I figured I could excuse myself and get a refill on my wine, to better to drown my misery. Milan was most accommodating, but he was still busy serving the multitude of guests, and could not be lured away from his post. I looked at my watch and realized with a start that the Times Square telecast would be on in less than thirty minutes. I glanced around surreptitiously, making sure I wasn't being watched, before walking out of the living room and making my way into Seth and Garrett's den. Miraculously, I found the room both dark and empty. I locked the door behind me to make sure I wasn't disturbed and turned on the TV, muting the sound. I settled in on the leather tufted sofa, getting lost in my thoughts.

With everyone around me pairing up, getting married even, it was way past the time to cut the cord. As soon as the holidays were over, I'd start looking for a transfer to Rocky Mountain National Park. And if a transfer wasn't in the cards, I'd start looking for a place to live in Boulder to move anyway. I'd try for a leave of absence, but if the NPS wouldn't grant me that, I'd quit. It certainly wouldn't be my preference, but I couldn't continue living in Seattle just because of a job I didn't really need. I'd find some way to contribute at Rocky Mountain National Park, even if I wasn't on the NPS payroll. And I could spend the rest of the time doing other productive things, like building a new network of Colorado friends, starting with Mitch and Teddy.

The thought of the two hikers brought a smile to my lips. We'd exchanged occasional e-mails since August, and talked about getting together, though without making any concrete plans. I once casually mentioned that I was thinking of moving to Boulder, which met with enthusiasm and encouragement, but that's as far as I'd gone, never admitting how serious I was about the idea. Still, while I didn't want them to feel obligated, I liked knowing that there were at least a couple of guys in Boulder that I'd be able to talk to from time to time, so I wouldn't have to be completely alone. And if they were interested in repeating some of our experiences from the summer, well, I wouldn't protest too hard.

Just then the picture on the television changed to the New York broadcast, and all other thoughts receded as I began scanning the crowds for Jasper's familiar features. I knew this was an exercise in futility. Even if he was there, the likelihood of the cameras catching him the way they had our freshman year was so slim, there was really no point in watching. And yet, just as in all the years before, I could not stop myself. I couldn't tear my eyes away from the screen on the off chance that this would be the year odds were beaten again.

About mid-way through the telecast, still with no sighting of Jasper, I felt someone sit on the sofa beside me. I knew I was being rude, but I didn't turn to see who it was. Having locked the doors behind me, there were only two people at the party who could have gained access to the room or given others the means to do so. I was, therefore, reasonably certain the person beside me was a good enough friend to understand why I needed to keep watching. A few minutes later, at the start of a commercial break, I finally turned to see Seth.

"Hey," I said, "Shouldn't you be out there attending to your guests? Tonight of all nights they must be missing their host."

"I'm sure they are," he easily agreed. "But I have a guest in here who needs me more."

I tried to laugh, but it didn't quite come out as light or genuine as I wanted. "Thanks, Seth, but I'm all right. Just taking a break from the crowd, waiting for Milan to get less busy. Thanks for that, by the way." I leaned over and bumped his shoulder with mine.

"Yeah. Thought you two might hit it off," Seth smirked. "But not if you spend the night hiding in here."

"Just another half hour, Seth. You know that." I turned my attention back to the TV as the commercial break ended. Seth leaned against me and put his arms around my waist, nudging my right arm until I wrapped it around his shoulders to pull him closer. Neither one of us spoke as we watched the screen, the cameras annoyingly focused on the hosts instead of panning across the crowd. We stayed holding each other until the next break, when I looked down at him.

"So, you've decided to officially settle down, huh?" I asked, looking at his upturned face.

"I guess so," he shrugged. "Though it really happened when I moved in here with Garrett."

"I know you know this already, but I really like him. You're good for each other. I'm happy for you. For both of you."

"I know you are, Edward, but are you OK? I know this was probably a shock," he scrutinized me closely as he spoke.

"I'm fine, Seth. Like you said, you were already off the market for a while. Ceremony is important and meaningful, but it doesn't change your situation much. I mean, you two were already committed."

"Yes, but the ceremony is a way to include everyone we know and love in that commitment. Garrett and I want all of our friends to be there."

"Sure, that makes sense. I will definitely be there, Seth," I didn't know what he was getting at. Did he somehow sense I made a decision to move and wanted to use this as a way to stop me? That wouldn't be enough. Even if I wasn't living in Seattle, there was no question I would be back for his ceremony.

"I know you'll be there, Edward. I'd feed your balls to the wolves if you even thought about skipping my ceremony. But I was talking about other friends. Friends I might not get to see as often. Like Jasper."

I blinked a few times, not sure I heard him correctly.

"Jasper? You're going to invite Jasper?"

"I'll invite him and if I get anything other than a positive response I'll do my damn best to guilt him into changing his mind. That boy owes me. I went out to that God-forsaken town in upstate New York in December to put things right between him and Emmy. The least he can do is come back to Seattle for my commitment ceremony."

I twisted to the side and grabbed both of his upper arms lightly for emphasis. "Do you really think he'll come?"

"I don't know, Edward," he answered honestly. "I'll do what I can to see that he does."

I let him go and sat back, closing my eyes.

"Jesus, Seth," I whispered. "What do you think he'll do if he does come? Do you think he'll let me talk to him, apologize? Do you think he might forgive me?"

"Um, your show is back on," Seth said, avoiding my question.

I sat up and turned to him again, ignoring the screen. "I've got the DVR set at home. I'll watch it later. Right now I want to know what you think will happen if Jasper comes back." I stared at him, waiting. Seth always had all the answers. Surely he would not disappoint me now. But my hopes faded as I saw his eyes grow dull.

"I wish I knew. None of us have any idea what's been going on in his personal life all these years. He's been so secretive, even warning off his English friends to make sure they didn't give anything away. When he talks to Emmett or me he always sounds too busy with work to have a social life, but that's just an assumption. For all we know he could have a boyfriend or even a husband by now. He might even bring someone with him..."

I cringed at this thought, which for whatever reason had not occurred to me. But Seth was right, this was a distinct possibility. Someone as handsome and good as Jasper would undoubtedly have had many romantic prospects, and he had always been the settling down type. Thinking about it logically, there was almost no way he would have lived for nearly six years without a steady companion. Hell, even I'd had one of those for a while, and I most certainly had not been the type back when he knew me. I wondered now if instead of being hopeful about seeing Jasper this summer, I should start dreading it.

"Look," my mind-reader friend said, "I figure as long as he gets here, it will be a good thing. Even if he's here with someone else, it will give you some closure. And maybe he will be alone and single. Maybe he'll have missed you as much as you've missed him and will welcome the opportunity to talk."

I took a deep breath.

"That might be slightly too optimistic, Seth."

I really didn't want to get my hopes up so high I would crash and burn on the way down. Seth merely shrugged.

"It would mean a lot just to see him and apologize properly. If I knew that he forgave me, it might make it easier to..." I stopped talking. I didn't know how to finish the sentence. Make it easier to do what? Forgive myself? Move on without him? Would anything ever really make that easier? I supposed there was only one way to find out.

Seth shifted to kneel on the sofa beside me, leaned forward and placed his arms around my neck, pressing his lips to mine briefly, then resting his forehead against mine.

"You can't go on like this forever, Edward. It's been too long already. You've punished yourself enough. You've changed. You're a different man now than you were before, a good man, and you deserve happiness too. We'd all love to see you with him, you know that, but if that's not possible then you should let it go and move on. And if it turns out that in order to move on you really have to move, well, I'll support you in that too. Though I hope it won't be necessary."

I wrapped my arms around him tightly and held him close without speaking. Knowing that on the night he announced his engagement Seth cared enough about me to take the time to do this meant more to me than he would ever realize.

"Okay, you brute," Seth said after a few moments, "You adore me, I know, but let go of me before you crush me. I do have to get back to the other guests, and it just wouldn't do for me to look like I've been manhandled by anyone other than Garrett tonight."

I laughed and let him go.

"Thanks, Seth. Really!"

"Yeah, yeah," he said, scrambling off the sofa. "Should I assume you want to stay here until the top of the hour? You did say you were recording this, right?"

I looked from him to the television. I was recording the program, of course, and I did want to join Seth and the rest of our friends to celebrate the new year, yet the TV screen was like a magnet that pulled me in and refused to let go.

"All right," Seth understood. "But it's the last time, okay?"

I nodded and meant it.

"Okay, see you soon, then." He leaned down and kissed me again, before slipping out of the den as quietly as he'd come in.

Another commercial was playing on TV, so I reached into my back pocket to retrieve my wallet and took out my picture of Jasper. I ran my fingers over the photo, not quite believing that in six months I might actually get to see him again in person. There was no way I could leave town now, not when there was a chance that he might want to come back here, come back home. I leaned back against the sofa again with a deep sigh. I couldn't let these kinds of thoughts take over. I couldn't set my expectations so high. But at least now there was hope, and it was so much more than I had at the start of this evening. I recalled the conversation I had with Seth when I came back from Stehekin, the one about his premonition. He was clearly shocked by Garrett's proposal, so he couldn't have known exactly what was going to happen, but the Oracle had been right. I was glad I listened to him and stuck around. This news was worth waiting for.

I watched the last of the telecast, paying less attention than I had in previous years. After the ball dropped and cheers went up from the party goers, I kissed my fingers and touched them to Jasper's photo, then turned off the TV when the broadcast switched to a local venue. Replacing my wallet in my back pocket, I walked out of the den, turning off the lights on my way out. I found Maggie and the others and exchanged kisses with everyone, wishing them all a happy new year, for the first time in many years actually feeling like it was a possibility. Buoyed up by Seth's news, I made my way to the bar, leaned over, grabbed Milan by the back of the neck and kissed him hard. I didn't often kiss tricks, but it was the New Year and I was feeling jubilant and generous.

"Let's go ring in the new year together while everyone's busy toasting," I whispered into his ear. "I know the perfect place."

He threw down the towel he'd been using to wipe down the bar and took the hand I offered. I dragged him around the periphery of people, back to the still empty den. I flipped on the lights, closed and locked the door behind us, then leaned back against the door, pulling Milan to me as our bodies pressed together and our hands roamed freely. After a few initial passes and gropes over the clothes, we both reached for each other's belts and flies. Milan got my belt and pants undone in record time, and quickly slid to his knees. He nuzzled his face into my brief-clad erection before reaching in to pull it out and cover it from base to tip with wet, open mouth kisses and his broad tongue. After a minute of being kissed and licked I watched my dick disappear, inch by inch, into his mouth and down his throat. I groaned with pleasure, the back of my head hitting the door.

"You like going down on me, Milan? You like sucking my cock?"

He hummed his answer, causing another wave of pleasure to roll through me. The boy sure was good at what he did, and as he started to suck and slide his lips up and down my hard pole, I knew it wouldn't take us long at all to get back to the party.

"That feels good," I encouraged. "Take it all, let me fuck your sweet mouth." I started moving my hips in time with the movement of his head, hitting the back of his throat with each thrust. Our tempo increased and I felt myself getting too close for comfort. I could have just come in his mouth, but he was hot and the thought of seeing him bent over Seth and Garrett's sofa, his ass on display and ready for me, was too appealing to pass up. I grabbed his head with both hands and pulled it back off my dick, looking down into his lust glazed, semi confused eyes.

"Let's see what you're hiding under that uniform, Milan," I smirked. "Is the rest of you as pretty as your face?"

His eyes flashing with understanding, he got up and backed up to lean against the leather sofa. He finished what I started earlier, unbuckling his belt, undoing his pants and pushing both the pants and briefs down to his thighs. I stared for a moment in appreciation as he stroked his hard, long cock, proving all the rumors about Czech boys right. I had intended just to take his ass, but Milan's dick was too beautiful to pass up, and the temptation to take a detour off my planned path proved too overwhelming.

"Well, well, well," I said, walking up to him and replacing his hand with my own. "What have we here? A Czech national treasure?"

I used my free hand to apply pressure to his chest and push him over the back of the sofa. He threw his arms back instinctively to support himself up off the seat, his upper body parallel with the seat, but at the height of the sofa back. The perfect height for me to bend over and take his gorgeous cock into my mouth.

"Ahhh," he breathed, throwing his head back and arching his back and hips, pushing his rod deeper in. I pulled up slightly, wanting to work him over a little before I took him down my throat. My tongue circled around his head, which despite his fully aroused state, was still partially covered with his foreskin. I wrapped my right hand around his shaft to pull down the skin and swirled my tongue around him again, eliciting the sweetest moan. His breathing grew louder as I ran my tongue over his slit, lapping up his slightly salty precum, before finally lowering my head to draw in his entire length. The smooth, thick, long cock fit like my throat was made for it. I gave a few shallow sucks before pulling off him entirely, holding my tongue against his bulging cum tube the entire way.

I glanced over to see him watching me, panting through moist, parted lips. I could tell just by looking at him that he wanted me to keep going, so I obliged him by licking his shaft base to head again, and then lowering my lips to his shaved sack. His scrotum was super smooth, a detail I most appreciated as I delicately paid homage to his impressive pair of nuts. Loving the way I was making him squirm in response, I sucked his balls into my mouth one by one and massaged them carefully with my tongue before moving back up and encasing his entire hard-on in my mouth and throat. I sucked his dick while rubbing his balls, but pulled off when I felt them start to contract to the base.

"Are you ready to get fucked, Milan?" I asked, staring straight into his eyes. He nodded. He supported himself on one arm as his other reached out for my offered hand so I could pull him back up to stand against the sofa.

"I hear you good top, yes?" he flirted, reaching out to grasp and squeeze me.

"Haven't had any complaints," I tried to be modest. I took a couple of condoms out of my pocket. "One for me and one for you," I said, "So we don't mess up the room."

"Ah, you are like boy scout, prepared, yes? I was scout also," Milan offered, reaching into his inside jacket pocket to produce a folded thin microfiber towel. "I do not like this latex," he added. "Skin on skin feel better, no?"

I clicked my tongue in appreciation of his foresight. I didn't find jacking off a guy wearing a rubber particularly appealing, but it did avoid clean-up, especially in the den where that was a more difficult task than in the powder room. However, when a trick brought his own towel, the second condom was rendered entirely unnecessary.

"Skin on skin feels better, yes, but I will still wear one." It was tempting to forgo protection altogether, but it sure wasn't smart. And I was not about to get stupid right before Jasper's potential return.

"Top wear condom," Milan inclined his head in agreement. "Is safety."

"Right," I confirmed and turned him around, pressing my hand against his back to indicate he should lean forward and rest against the back of the sofa. He followed my silent direction, dropping the towel to the floor beneath him. Once he was in position, I took a moment to admire his firm butt, squeezing his round cheeks appreciatively with both hands. Then I reached into my pocket to retrieve the travel size bottle of lube. I squirted some on my hands and used my left hand to reach around and start stroking him as I prepared him with my right. He rolled his hips beautifully into my hands as his back undulated in sensual waves and his voice box emitted lusty, throaty moans. As soon as he was ready, I poured more lube over my dick and between his cheeks. I placed myself against his opening, sliding back and forth a couple of times just inside his crack before pressing slowly past the tight ring of muscle until my head was firmly encased in his tight tunnel. I stopped and waited for him to adjust to my girth. It didn't take long for him to move back against me.

"Is good. Give it to me. I want all," Milan's accented broken English was as sexy as his moans. I complied with his request, impaling him completely, then pulling out nearly all the way before burying my cock to the hilt again. I began moving in and out of him at a steady, slowly accelerating pace.

"Ach tak dobře," he exclaimed. "Dej mi víc. Hlubší. Rychleji."

"In English, Milan," I prompted, gripping his hips loosely as I continued to pump into him. "I don't speak Czech."

"Give me more," he grunted and I increased the tempo, pounding into him harder now. He moved his hand to his cock, but I pushed it away, leaning over and wrapping my own slick hand around him to stroke him in time with my thrusts.

"So, Milan," I breathed in his ear as I continued to plunge. "You like my cock filling your ass, don't you? You want me to fuck you hard?"

"Yeah," he whimpered, "Fuck me hard. Tak dobře," he repeated the phrase from earlier in his native tongue. I could only guess from his tone that it meant he was enjoying himself.

"I like having your dick in my hand and jerking you off as I plug your ass. Does it feel good, Milan? Are you gonna come?" I thrust faster and harder, feeling his erection grow harder still and knowing he was on the verge.

"Yes. Ježíš Kristus. Tak blízko."

"That's it, Milan. Right there. You're ready, just let go," I encouraged, getting closer and closer to the edge myself as I felt his body start to quiver beneath me.

"God, I come!" he cried out, muffling the sound with his forearm. His cock pulsed in my hand as his whole body jerked through his orgasm. I rammed my dick into his ass a few more times before his spasms pushed me to my climax, my cum flooding the condom inside him. I slowed down, but continued to drive into him and to milk his cock until we were both completely spent. Both of us still breathing hard, I rested my chest and face against his back as I wrapped my free arm around him in a brief embrace.

"That was great, Milan. Thanks!" I said sincerely.

He turned his head back to look at me with a smile. "Good way to welcome new year, yes?"

I chuckled and agreed. "But we better get you back to work, before the guests start serving themselves." I stood up, pulling him up with me.

"Yeah, okay."

We put ourselves together and I let him out first, locking the door behind him to give myself time to dispose of the evidence of our activities. A few minutes later I exited the den as well. I took the long way around the apartment, stopping by a guest bathroom to wash my hands and ensuring that most people wouldn't connect the dots between Milan's and my absence. Still, Maggie gave me a disappointed head shake when she saw me come back into the living room. Knowing what she was thinking, I made my way to her side to explain.

"Seth and I had a talk earlier," I whispered to her as I grabbed her elbow and pulled her towards the much less crowded dining room.

"Yeah? Must be nice to have a pimp who keeps throwing comps you way," she answered testily. I could see she was pissed and I knew exactly why. A year to the day after our last heart to heart talk about love and relationships, and she thought I hadn't changed a bit.

"Don't be mad at Seth, Maggie. He's just helping out a friend," I said when we reached an isolated corner of the dining room, out of earshot of the other guests.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I know you both see it that way, but I disagree. All these random tricks and hook-ups are only helping you avoid trying to find someone to get serious about. And it's not like Seth doesn't appreciate the value of love himself. He and Garrett are getting married, for goodness sake. He should be trying to help you find a life partner, not a piece of ass to dip your dick in," she was spitting mad, hissing her way through her speech.

"Maggie, please calm down and let me tell you what Seth and I talked about tonight."

"What?" she snapped, obviously not letting go of her anger.

"He's going to invite Jasper to the ceremony," I told her.

She looked at me silently. I could see she was trying to interpret the information, but hadn't quite put it together.

"Maggie, if anyone can bring Jasper back to Seattle it's Seth. The commitment ceremony is the perfect occasion. Don't you see? This is my chance. It's only six months away. I have to wait to see what happens."

Maggie's face twisted painfully. I could see she wanted to be happy for me, but was overwhelmed by doubts.

"Edward, Honey, even if he comes back, and that's a big if, it doesn't mean he'll be any more willing to talk to you than he was when you went to see him in Rochester. You can't keep putting your life on hold, waiting for something that may never happen."

"Mags," I paused, trying to come up with a way to make her understand. "I wasn't able to make a full commitment to a good man, a man I loved, when the situation with Jasper was hopeless. Do you honestly think I could do it now, when there is a possibility of Jasper coming back and maybe forgiving me? Would that be fair to the other guy?"

Maggie sighed. "All right, Edward. I get it. And you know what I want more than anything is just for you to be happy. So I hope it will all work out. I hope Jasper will come back and will realize that he still loves you as much as you love him, and that you'll live happily ever after together. But what if for whatever reason things don't work out with Jasper, or if he refuses to come back at all, what then?"

I sighed. I knew she had a good point, but I didn't want to dwell on the negatives.

"I have a plan," I finally confessed. "Don't ask me what it is, because I don't want to talk about it, but I do have a plan. I've been thinking about it for a while and I just finished working everything out right before Seth came to talk to me. So I'll be all right either way, I promise. It just might be a little longer before I implement it. Though I hope never to have to implement it."

Maggie looked at me closely. She must have decided I was telling the truth, because her face relaxed and she leaned in to give me a kiss on the cheek, her hand pressed against the other side of my face.

"I just want you to be happy, Edward," she repeated. "We all do."

"There you are!"

Maggie and I both turned at the sound of Rosalie's voice.

"Is she giving you a hard time about the lovely bartender, little bro?" Rose asked conspiratorially when she was close enough to us for others not to overhear. "Cut him some slack, Freckles. The boy needs to have a little fun on New Year's."

"Thanks Rose," I murmured. "I appreciate the support, though I think we've got it covered."

"Well, just so you know, I'm only in your corner tonight. Overall I'm totally on Maggie's side. You need to start acting like a grown up."

I rolled my eyes. "Did you two give the same speech to Seth a couple of years ago? After all, he is more than two years older than me and he's only been with Garrett a year and a half."

"You're not Seth and he's not family," Maggie pointed out. "But he's right, Rosie. We've called truce for now. I guess Seth plans to invite Jasper to the ceremony, and Edward says he won't be able to commit to anyone else until all that is settled, either way."

It was Rosalie's turn to scrutinize me.

"Right," she said after a moment, "I can see how that would not work. I guess we'll all be keeping our fingers crossed for the next few months, huh?"

I hung my head. It seemed I was destined to be a problem child, the one everyone worried about no matter what.

"It'll be okay, Edward," Rose continued. "I've got that Hale sixth sense kicking in and I'm picking up a good vibe."

"Rosie, don't..." Maggie tried to interject but I held up my hand to stop her.

"It's all right, Mags. I promise I won't rush out to buy monogrammed towels based on anyone's sixth sense. But all the same, thanks, Rose. I appreciate that."

"You're welcome, little bro. Happy New Year!" She held out her arms and I stepped into them for a tight hug. Maggie came up to us and wrapped her arms around us both. We stood that way for a while, before breaking up and re-joining the other guests in the living room.

The party went on for another couple of hours before guests finally starting leaving. Our group, of course, stayed until the end. We exchanged one final toast in honor of our hosts, those of us who were driving switching to non-alcoholic sparkling cider, before leaving them to celebrate their engagement in private. I rode down the elevator with Emmett and Nasir, giving each of them a hug when we stopped on their floor, before continuing down to the garage. Keeping a lookout for the typical New Year drunk drivers, I finally made it home at close to 3:00 a.m. Remmy was waiting at the door for me, weaving impatient circles around my feet when I came in until I bent over to pick him up and gave him a nice long scratch. I refilled his water bowl, then carried him to the bedroom and deposited him on the counter in the master bath as I brushed my teeth and got ready for bed. When I turned off the light he jumped to the floor lithely and padded to the bed, where he waited for me to settle in before mushing his face against mine and carving out a space for himself up near my head.

"Good news, Remmy," I told him quietly, reaching over to scratch him some more. "Seth and Garrett are getting married and Jasper might be coming to Seattle this summer."

Remmy replied with a short meow. I closed my eyes to the soundtrack of Remmy's contented purr, and dreamed of happy reunions.

The next day I got up to feed Remmy and promptly went back to bed, sleeping for another few hours. When I finally got up I made an omelet for breakfast which I partially shared with Remmy. My stomach no longer growling, I settled in on the sofa and flipped on the TV and DVR, pulling up my recording of the Times Square telecast. It was more habit than anything else, but I needed to watch the program again, to see if I missed anything the night before, especially since I'd paid less attention during my talk with Seth than I otherwise would have.

The first half of the program was much as I remembered, routine, boring, and without anyone to spark my interest in the few rare pans of the crowd. The second half was less familiar, and I knew this was when Seth was telling me his plans. It was much the same, though, with no one interesting on the screen at all, until... I grabbed the remote and hit the pause button, then rewound the recording frame by frame. It was just a glimpse of profile, the right color hair, a pan of the camera so quick and the image so small even when I froze the frames I could not be sure. So familiar, it could easily have been him, but not having seen him for over five years, I couldn't be sure. I moved closer and closer to the television set, trying to see something, anything that would tip the balance on the scale, help me figure out if I was seeing Jasper or some impostor. But no matter what I did, there was nothing but a vague image that may have been him or someone who just had similar features and hair color. The brief glimpse of the profile before the man in question threw the hoodie he wore beneath an outer jacket over his head to shield him from the camera just wasn't enough. I stared instead at his outer jacket, a tan, fitted, blazer cut, with a large scrolled gray cross motif on the back. It was stylish and hot, and any guy wearing it would immediately get my attention. Was it the kind of jacket that Jasper now wore? He'd been a more conservative dresser before, but that was so long ago. He was a New Yorker now, and he'd lived in London. He easily could have developed a new, edgy style. I didn't know if the man captured by the cameras was Jasper, but I knew this was how I would imagine him from now on until I saw him again.

I watched the rest of the recording, but the camera never caught the mystery man again. Still, I chose to view it as a sign. In the five years I'd watched the show since he left, I'd never seen anyone who looked this much like him. It had to mean something that the New York cameras caught someone who could have been his double the very night Seth announced his plan to get Jasper back to Seattle. I refused to believe that it was just a coincidence.

When I was convinced that I had seen absolutely everything worth seeing, I turned off the TV and sat back on the sofa, thinking. With Jasper potentially coming back, I tried to imagine how he would see this new me, what would he think about the way I behaved now, as opposed to the way I behaved back when we were boys in Forks or in our Freshman year at UW. So much had changed in that time. I was no longer the scared kid, trying to live up to his father's warped idea of what it meant to be a man, controlling people through use of fear and power because he felt unworthy of anyone's love or friendship. I had friends now, and family. I had nephews who loved me, I had Seth and Emmett who would vouch for me, I was even on good terms with my ex-boyfriend. Well, sort of good terms. As I looked at my life this was by far the weakest link. I was startled to recognize that my inability to approve of Cliff's choice of partner still held a shadow of my former controlling self. I disapproved of Derek because I wanted the best possible partner for Cliff, but I didn't trust Cliff enough to determine for himself who that best partner was. Everyone else close to Cliff accepted Derek. Cliff's parents, Bruce and Tyrone, even Zack and Leo, all talked about how happy the two of them were together. If Derek was truly as selfish as I thought, would he have been able to fool as many smart people for as long as he had? I had to admit it was unlikely. I had to admit I'd been wrong.

The more I thought about it, the more convinced I became that I had to make things right with Derek and Cliff to be able to get any peace. I was scared, though. What if the damage I'd done was unrepairable? What if Derek threw my apology right back in my face? I'd certainly understand it if he did, but I knew I couldn't let my fear stop me from doing the right thing. Still I vacillated. Should I call on a holiday, or wait until a different time? What was the right thing to do? I went back and forth until finally I couldn't stand it anymore. I pulled out my cell phone and dialed the number I never took off my speed dial.

"Hey, Edward," Cliff answered immediately, but his voice was reserved. "Happy New Year. Everything okay?"

We've only spoken a few times since his termination of our regular contact, exchanging wishes on birthdays and holidays. Our last brief conversation had been just a week before, so I understood why he thought something might be wrong.

"Everything is fine, Cliff. Actually, to be honest, I called to speak with Derek. I just didn't have his direct number. Would you mind putting him on?"

"Um," Cliff hesitated. "Can I ask why you want to speak with him?" he asked, his reluctance palpable.

"It's nothing you need to worry about, honest," I assured him. "I'm not calling to spoil your holiday. Please, Cliff. I swear it won't take long."

"Okay," he was still reluctant, but I could tell he was going to oblige me. "It's Edward," I heard him say in the background. "He'd like to speak with you."

I waited as seconds ticked by with no one on the other end of the line. I imagined the silent communication between them. I didn't really blame Derek if he was reluctant to speak with me after our last conversation, but I wished he would man up already. It's not as though I was cornering him in the men's room. He could hang up on me any time.

"This is Derek," he said when he finally came on the line. "What can I do for you?" he asked stiffly and formally.

"Hi Derek. This is Edward. I'm not calling because I need you to do anything. I'm calling because I've been thinking a lot lately, about a lot of things, and I owe you an apology for the way I behaved at Troy's graduation and since then. I was more protective of Cliff than I had a right to be and I should have trusted him more. I'm sorry for the way I acted. I know from Leo and Tyrone that you and Cliff are happy together, so I just wanted to let you know that going forward, unless you affirmatively do something to harm him, you don't have to worry about me interfering in your relationship in any way."

I had thought long and hard about what I wanted to say to him and rehearsed exactly how I wanted to say it and in the end I thought I summed it up pretty well, so the prolonged silence that greeted my announcement was a little nerve wrecking. I pulled the phone away from my ear to make sure the call hadn't been dropped, but the connection was still showing as active.

"Um, Derek? Are you still there?"

"Yeah. I'm still here. I guess... I'm not really sure what to say. I know this sounds strange, but I have to ask, what brought this on?"

I couldn't blame him for being suspicious. Were I in his shoes, I'd mistrust me as well.

"Like I said, I've been doing a lot of thinking and I decided that I'd been really stupid. When Cliff and I broke up we said we'd be friends, but I hadn't lived up to my end of that bargain. I should have been more supportive of him and I should have been more open minded with you. You were right about a lot of the things you said that day we talked, but I wasn't able to admit that then. And I was jealous. Not so much of Cliff, though I'd be lying if I said that had no part of it, but mostly I was jealous because, like you said, you found with him what I always wanted with Jasper. I took my anger and disappointment out on you, and that was wrong. So again, I apologize. And though I probably have no right to ask this, I hope maybe going forward we can try to be friends."

"You do know I haven't come out yet, right?" he asked, still sounding very cautious.

"I know you came out with your family. And I know how much coming out in North Carolina could hurt your career. And I know Cliff is okay with your decision. That's really all I need to know."

"Well," he hesitated. "I accept your apology, Edward. And I'd like for us to get to know each other better. It would be good if we could all be friends. I know Cliff's missed you. And I want you to know that I never asked him to stop..."

"I know," I interrupted him. "He did what he felt he had to do and it was the right thing to do. I put him in that position by acting the way I did and I have no one to blame but myself. And Derek, I have no ulterior motives here. I guess maybe it's a New Year's resolution or something. I just wanted to clear the air, start the year off on the right foot. Anyway, I know with your schedule it's not always easy to get away, but if you guys ever want to come out to Seattle, I have a guest apartment that's yours whenever you need it."

"Thanks. That's really nice of you. It is a little hard for us to find time to travel together, but maybe sometime this summer. I'll talk to Cliff. Maybe we can coordinate a visit with Zack and Leo. He'd like to see both you and Leo together."

"Good idea," I agreed. "So, Happy New Year, and I guess let's keep in touch?"

"Wait, don't you want to talk to Cliff?" he asked, surprised.

"That wasn't the purpose of my call. I don't want either of you to think that I'm doing this just to talk to him," I explained, happy that I'd managed to express myself without having to lie. I did want to talk to Cliff, I did need his friendship. But I called to apologize because it was the right thing to do and it was high time I did it. Period. If renewed communication with Cliff was the result, that would just be a happy byproduct.

"Well, I think he would like to talk to you. One moment."

This time the pause was brief, and then Cliff was speaking. "Edward, I don't even know..." he began awkwardly.

"You deserve to be happy, Cliff," I interjected. "And Derek is the man who makes you happy. I owe you an apology too. I'm just glad the two of you were smarter than I was and didn't let me get in the way."

"It takes a big man to do what you just did, Edward," Cliff said quietly. "It means a lot, to both of us." I could almost see him taking Derek's hand and squeezing it, his eyes full of love, and I was somewhat surprised to find myself indifferent. This was a new and unexpected development, but a welcome one too. Apparently I was actually capable of letting someone go.

Cliff and I spoke briefly, but this wasn't the right time for the kind of conversation I really wanted to have with him - the conversation where I told him everything that happened since we last talked and where I explained about Jasper, and hopefully got his advice on what to do as well. Seth had a sixth sense and my other friends and sisters were intrinsically wise, but Cliff knew me as none of them ever had, so his insight was invaluable. However, in the spirit of making amends, I figured I owed it to Cliff and Derek to let them spend their New Year's day without any further interference from me. I had over 5 months until the ceremony to get the advice, so I could and would wait for a more opportune time.