Chapter 9

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Chapter 9: I've been Losing You

The first week of the term could not have gone better. Thanks to our joint schedules, Jasper and I spent most of the week together. It was just like the days when we first met when we were still boys. There were other people around us at times, but we were the only two who mattered to each other. Well, I suppose that wasn't exactly true, given the occasional presence of Emmett and Seth, but it was close enough. And Emmett and Seth being around ended up suiting my purposes as well. When they announced that their class schedule made it convenient for both of them to have lunch with us on Tuesday, I took the opportunity to beg off and used that day to visit James at his office.

I went home after my morning class and made sure I dressed professionally for the visit. I didn't want to give anyone the idea that there was anything unusual or amiss in James meeting with me. I figured the easiest way to do this would be to ambush him in his office, where he'd be least likely to want to make a scene, and by dressing the part, I would be giving him the best incentive to actually invite me into his office, instead of dismissing me in the lobby or insisting on going out.

My research revealed that James had his fingers in many different business pots. He was a realtor, but he was also heavily personally invested in real estate. He also either owned or co-owned a bunch of businesses: a marketing consulting firm, a small winery, a couple of gourmet cooking boutiques, a popular, high-end day spa, and several drive-through coffee kiosks, and those were just the things I found through my cursory Google search. I had no doubt there were other investments that weren't so publicly listed. With this much diversity in his holdings, it would be difficult to hurt him through one or even several of his businesses. So even though I initially hoped I could somehow threaten his financial well-being, I quickly realized that this was definitely not a revenge option. At least not right now. I'd have to rely on the threat of physical violence or public humiliation to get anything out of him. Neither was particularly sophisticated, but both could do the job.

The building where James had his offices as well as the lobby of his suite were just like him - cold, steely and stark. I walked in, keeping my appearance business like, but casual, even though I was seething with rage inside. I introduced myself to the pretty receptionist and indicated that I had business to discuss with Mr. Visser. She dialed his office and explained I was in the waiting area, listened for a moment to the response, hung up the phone, threw a brief glance at the door on the wall to her right and looked back at me, her expression a frozen mask of politeness.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Cullen, but Mr. Visser is busy all day and, since you did not make an appointment, will not be able to see you. He also indicated that he does not believe the two of you have anything to discuss," her tone was dismissive.

"I'm afraid I must disagree," I remained polite. "Please call Mr. Visser and let him know that I've been thinking a lot since the last time he and I spoke, and I decided that it might make sense for me to go into the business of distributing audio and visual materials. I know many organizations in the area who might be interested in the materials I have to offer, and I know no one will advise me on the wisdom of proceeding with my plan as well as Mr. Visser."

She looked at me carefully, trying to decide what to do. When her reluctance took too long, I turned towards the door she had looked at before. "Or I could just go in and ask him myself," I said, taking a step in that direction. She picked up the phone and I thrilled to hear the agitated response on the other end of the line. It was good to know I'd gotten under his skin already, without exchanging a word with the man himself.

When the receptionist finished delivering my message there was silence. Confusion clouded her face. She clearly was not used to having to wait for James to make decisions. Then, without saying a word, she pressed the button ending the call and looked up at me.

"I believe Mr. Visser's response remains . . . "

At that moment the door she had looked to previously was ripped open, and James appeared in the door frame. He was dressed in an impeccable, tailored business suit, which contrasted starkly with his bruised and bandaged face.

"Come in," he said through clenched teeth. I smiled at the surprised receptionist and followed him into his office.

"What do you want?" he barked at me after he closed the door behind me and made his way to sit behind his desk.

"Tsk, Tsk," I chastised. "I had hoped we could conduct this conversation civilly." He didn't ask me to sit and I was glad, as this actually worked in my favor, allowing me to turn and survey the room. I nearly broke my facade to breathe a sigh of relief when I saw Jasper's sketch hanging on one of the walls. This was everything I had hoped for. By ambushing him in his office without warning, and coming in under a pretense of a different threat, he had no advanced warning and could not hide the drawing. Now that I had seen it, he couldn't pretend that he had destroyed it. I walked calmly to the wall and removed the frame, holding it in both hands and admiring the object of the sketch.

"To answer your question, this," I explained as I turned back to him. "This is exactly what I wanted."

"Well you can't have it," he seethed, emerging from behind the desk and striding purposefully towards me. I set the sketch down against the wall and placed myself between it and James, planting my feet squarely on the floor in preparation for his attack.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" I asked, my voice still cool and neutral. "Might be difficult to explain the noise to Rosie receptionist out there," I tilted my head in the direction of the lobby. I wasn't afraid of him, and a part of me wanted a chance to re-arrange his features once more, but a fight might result in security being called in and a need for explanations, something I would have preferred not to deal with. The same thought must have occurred to him as well, because he stopped in his tracks about a foot away from me, his fists balled and his face turning red with impotent rage.

"You will not leave this office with my property," he hissed.

"No, I will leave this office with Jasper's property. He never gave this to you. You simply took it without permission. Last I heard that was called theft. Now, you can let me carry it out of here and this little incident will be over, or we can discuss the finer points of properly law with the police. Which would you prefer?"

I watched his face carefully and saw the glint of admiration in his eye before it was gone. That's right, fucker, I thought. Daddy taught me well. You still have no fucking idea who you're dealing with, do you? I knew I had won when he didn't respond. Still keeping my eyes on him, I reached down to pick up the sketch.

"I'll be leaving now," I told him. "You should think about maybe taking the day off. You look like you could use some rest."

"What was all that bullshit about audio visual materials?" he growled. I smirked, pleased that I found the perfect way to get his attention.

"Just a reminder that if you ever get out of line or try anything with any of us, I have an e-mail distribution list of every charitable organization you contribute to and all their largest donors, and can send the video of your attack to them with a simple push of a button. I won't do that today, since you've been so . . . cooperative. But don't think I'll hesitate if you fuck with any of us in the future."

"I'll stay away from you assholes because you simply aren't worth my time and trouble, not because I'm afraid of your threats."

I shrugged. We both knew he was lying. There was no need for me to point it out.

I debated whether to back out of the room, not knowing if it was safe enough to turn my back on him, but I decided that he had to realize it would be easier to let me leave with the sketch than to engage in a noisy scuffle. I walked out of the office and through the reception, ignoring the receptionist's puzzled look at the sight of the framed sketch in my hand.

"So glad you were able to assist me, James," I spoke over my shoulder to him as I left the office.

Back out on the street, I looked around until I found a retail store that I knew would have bags large enough to accommodate the sketch. I walked in and purchased the first thing I found on the rack, not really caring what it was, the bag and the provided store gift box and gift wrap being more important than the contents. I shoved the sketch into the bag on my way out and went back home, where I hid everything in the back of my closet before changing back into my school clothes just in time to make it to my next class. I was confident Jasper never had a clue as to what I did while I'd been gone, and that the sketch would be a true surprise.

On Friday we came home after our last lecture to grab our already packed bags and got on the road to Forks for Easter. I was nervous and excited, wondering when and how to let Jasper know everything I had been thinking about and feeling while he'd been gone. Now that Jasper and I were spending most of our time together, the four hour drive back to our home town didn't feel like as much of a luxury as it had back in November, but I was still looking forward to being able to talk without any interruptions. My memory of what happened in the back seat of the car with him the last time we were home was still vivid, and while I didn't want to hope, my mind definitely considered the possibility of a repeat performance.

And then Jasper managed to shock me again by explaining that he'd been thinking about coming out to his family over the weekend, and now wasn't sure if he would go through with it. I knew he was looking to me for advice, but I had no idea what to tell him. If he came out to his family over the weekend I knew I'd have absolutely no time to spend with him or talk to him. All my visions of the two of us returning to the playground came crashing down. And another terror swooped in. If my father got wind of the fact that Jasper was gay, he would insist I move out of the apartment and never have anything to do with Jasper again. Neither Jasper nor I had enough money to get our own place. We'd have to somehow work it out so Jasper would move in with me secretly, and then hope my father never made a surprise visit. Crap! So much to think of and plan for and worry about that I never considered, all of which could be avoided if I just steered Jasper away from coming out.

But how could I try to convince him not to reveal his secret to his family just because the timing didn't fit my agenda? He'd already spent so much time hiding who he really was from everyone. If he needed to come out to his parents in order to feel better, then I had to keep my mouth shut and just be there for him, the way I wasn't when he came out to me.

Jasper was doing a better job of going through his list of pros and cons of coming out than I ever could, so I just listened. I thought he was right to be concerned about the reception he would get. His mom would probably handle it OK, unless she found out about James. His step-father wasn't all that different from my dad, so he might be more of a problem. I wasn't sure if Jasper's mom would be able to calm his step dad down well enough and this concerned me. The last thing Jasper needed was to get into something physical in his own home.

"You need to do what you think is best for you," I told him. "But if you are going to come out, maybe I should be there with you. For moral support," I quickly added. And to keep Jerry in line if he wasn't able to keep his cool.

"Thanks, Edward," he seemed slightly hesitant. "I appreciate it. I still have to think about it all, but I'll let you know either way, okay?"

"Sure," I reached over to squeeze his hand and held it for a moment before returning my own hand to the steering wheel. "You know I'm nearby, all you have to do is call. In fact, let's make sure we talk every night while we're here anyway, no matter what. I mean, It would be weird not to talk to you at least once a day. . ." I paused, wondering if I was saying too much or too little.

"That sounds good," I felt relief at his ready reply. "We'll talk before we go to sleep. If we have the lights off it'll be almost like . . ."

He didn't need to finish the sentence for both of us to suddenly be acutely aware of the fact that this would be the first night in two weeks that we didn't sleep together, and the first night alone for him in over a month. I worried that he wouldn't be OK, and then I worried that he would be OK. What would happen if he realized he didn't need me at night after all? Would we start sleeping apart again when we got back to Seattle? I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle that.

I wondered if I should have offered to sneak into his room at night so he wouldn't have to be alone. It's not like I didn't do that often enough when we were younger, though admittedly, it was never to spend the night. But what if his mom checked on him in the evening, or what if my mom checked on me? And how would we handle the logistics in the morning? It wasn't like there was any plausible explanation that would placate either set of our parents if we were caught, and my father would probably disown me. And like it or not, I still needed Dad, or more to the point, his money. I couldn't afford to take that kind of risk.

"Talking before we go to sleep is a good idea, Jas," I told him, since I had no better alternatives. "And any other time you need to."

Faster than I would have liked, I was pulling up into his driveway and popping the trunk so he could get out his bags. We said our goodbyes and I drove away, thinking this was going to be one hell of a long weekend.

Fortunately there was little drama when I arrived at my house. As usual, my father was nowhere to be seen. I barely had time to unpack my stuff before getting a call from Tyler. He and the other guys made plans to go to the movies in Port Angeles later and wanted me to go with them. I hedged. I knew the chances of Jasper having any time for me tonight, the first night he's been back with his family since Thanksgiving, were pretty slim. Still, I didn't want to miss an opportunity to see him if it came up. Besides, the movie didn't sound even remotely interesting, and neither did hanging out with the guys.

Mom and I talked over dinner, steering clear of any controversial subjects, like my father. She asked about school and I was excited to be able to do more than roll my eyes and actually discuss what I'd learned. This seemed to please her as well, and she made me feel great when she told me she was proud of me.

After exhausting academics, Mom asked me about Jasper, explaining how worried Mrs. Barnes had been when he wouldn't return her calls. I'd never had problems lying to my mother before, yet when it came to this I wasn't sure what to tell her. I ended up sticking with the original excuse I gave when they'd both called - that Jasper was busy and I didn't know anything beyond that. I could tell by my mom's sceptical expression that she wasn't buying it, but she didn't press, so we left it at that.

Dad came home after 9. Much as I would have liked to, it didn't seem prudent to ignore him completely. The man held the purse strings, after all, and I needed him to continue to cover my college expenses. I'd prepared myself for his usual insults and disapproval, but for once he surprised me by actually being, if not pleasant, than at least somewhat subdued. He too asked about school, looking surprised when I answered with enthusiasm using full sentences instead of my typical one-word replies on the subject. He sat back and listened to me with actual interest, then leaned back in his chair and contemplated for a moment.

"Have you given any thought yet as to what you want to major in? What do you want to do after you graduate?"

His question took me off guard. I'd mainly been focusing on getting through the general education classes and raising my GPA so I wasn't in danger of being thrown out. I'd never had any idea what I wanted to do with my life. I always figured I'd have little choice in the matter. I expected him to tell me what to do, just as he did with everything else.

"I know I'm not cut out to be a doctor," I said tentatively. We'd never actually talked about me following in his footsteps, so I had no idea what his expectations were. But whatever it was that made for a good physician, I was pretty sure I didn't have it. And the idea of being in school for a fucking decade, dealing with disease and dead bodies, nearly made me want to vomit. If that had been his plan for me, we'd have a serious problem.

"No, you most certainly are not," somehow the words that should have brought relief felt like a kick to the balls instead. "A lawyer maybe?" he continued. "Or something in finance?"

I grimaced. The last thing I wanted was to be stuck behind a desk, crunching numbers or reading obscure shit trying to figure out how to save some crooked client's ass or how to screw someone else over.

"Well, if not medicine, law or finance, then what? You can't just sit on your ass in a bar for the rest of your life, drinking beer and playing pool."

There he was, the father I knew and hated. I knew it wouldn't take him too long to make an appearance.

"I don't know, dad. I haven't really thought about it. I'm just trying to get through the classes I'm taking now. I still have time to declare a major," I tried to stay calm, because as much as I wanted to yell and sneer at him, nothing good ever came from antagonizing the man. Besides, I had to try to stay on his good side just in case there were any issues with Jasper down the road.

"Well, you'd better start thinking about it," he said as he got up to leave the room. "I'm not paying for your school so you have a place to party and hang out. If you can't think of what you want to do with your life, I'll do what I've always had to do and figure it out for you."

He walked out without waiting for a response, which was a good thing, because nothing civil came to mind. I really wished he hadn't reminded me that all my life I'd done exactly what he wanted, exactly when he told me to do it. It never occurred to me to question or defy him, even when I really didn't want to do the things he ordered. I always figured he knew best and I would have done anything to be just like him without giving even a passing thought to how my actions might have impacted others or my future. I was crushed every time he let me know how much of a disappointment I was and all I ever wanted was to finally be the son that made him proud. It wasn't until I was much, much older that I realized he was more Satan than saint, that there was little in his heart besides pure evil, and that no matter what I did and how hard I tried, I would never be the son he really wanted. Maybe it was because I looked too much like my mother, and maybe it was something else, but the gap between us grew every year, and by now it was the size of the grand fucking canyon.

The most pathetic thing was that even after I'd realized he was a complete asshole, I still followed his directives. The first time I ever defied him was when I told him I would not be going to Stanford, and that was only because I realized during that week in Florida that I could never go to school in California while Jasper was in Washington. I still couldn't force myself to get out completely from under my father's thumb, though if it came to it, and he somehow forced me to choose between him and his money and Jasper, I was pretty sure I would choose Jasper. I'd never let anyone else get between us again.

Just at that moment I got a text from Jas, wondering if we could talk, and I hurried up to my room to get some privacy. I put on music so no one could overhear what I was saying and then, just as a precaution, grabbed some pillows and a blanket and headed for my bathroom, which was in the corner of the house with the closet serving as a buffer between it and the hallway, so I could be confident that my parents wouldn't be able to hear a word of my conversation. I wrapped myself up in the blanket and sat on top of the pillows, leaning back against the bathroom wall.

"Hey, Jas, how's it going? Miss me yet?" My tone was teasing, but I desperately wanted him to say yes, to tell me he'd felt the same way I'd been feeling all evening.

"It's going OK," he replied, ignoring my second question. "We had dinner and watched a movie. No big deal, except . . ." he hesitated.

"Except what?" I asked. Something in his voice made me nervous.

"Except my mom wants to have breakfast out tomorrow, just the two of us. I'm sure she's gonna ask about what happened this spring and why I didn't call her for so long, and I have no idea what I'm going to tell her," he sounded really panicked.

"Well," I said slowly, "she might and she might not, but even if your assumption is right, we have all night to think of a good cover story, right? Between the two of us, I'm sure we can come up with something that will make sense and get her off your back."

"Yeah? Like what? I've been trying to think of something all night with no luck. I can't tell her the truth, Edward. If she knew what happened with James she'd never let me out of the house again."

I pictured Joyce Barnes in my head, seething with rage after finding out what happened to her son. She might not let Jasper out of the house again, but the bigger concern would be her grabbing a firearm and heading to Seattle to settle things with James. And Mrs. Barnes behind bars for homicide, regardless of how justifiable, was hardly an optimal situation. So I had to agree with Jasper. His mother couldn't know what happened this spring.

"All right. What if you told her that . . ."

We stayed on the phone for half the night going through different options and scenarios, but nothing really stood up to close scrutiny. And that made sense, because what possible reason could Jasper have had not to be in touch with his mother, other than what actually happened.

As the night wore on, I noticed him starting to yawn more and get slower and slower with responses to my suggestions, and I was sure he was on the verge of falling asleep. We still hadn't come up with a good enough stories, so in a moment of desperation I suggested that he might want to come out to his family after all. He wouldn't have to tell them about James. He could spin some story about exploring the new lifestyle and being too afraid to speak with his mom until he saw her in person. It was thin, but finding out that he was gay could just distract them enough not to pay too much attention to the other details. Jasper either considered my suggestion at length or dozed off, I couldn't quite tell which, but when I prompted him for his opinion, he hastily told me that he didn't want to come out yet, and that it was time for us to get some rest.

We said good night and hung up. I held the phone in my hand, reluctant to go back to my cold, empty bed, wishing I could think of some reason to sneak into Jasper's room and spend the rest of the night with him as well. I'd gotten so used to having him next to me, I didn't know if I'd be able to fall asleep without him. Of course, even if I didn't sleep, my bed was a better alternative than the hard bathroom floor, so eventually I picked up the pillows and blanket and made my way onto my mattress, where I tossed and turned for a long while before finally drifting off, still fully clothed.

The best thing about falling asleep close to dawn was that by the time I woke up Saturday, half of the day was already over. In fact, it was the phone ringing that woke me up. Tyler was calling to see if I wanted to go over to his place and hang out for the evening with him and the other guys. I told him I just got up and would have to call him back, hung up, and weighed my options. I checked the phone, but there were no messages or texts from Jas. I quickly typed out a text asking him if everything was all right.

A bit weird, but fine, came his near instant response.

want to hang out with guys at Tyler's tonight? I asked

no. shopping with mom in PA. Family time after. we'll talk tonight. I'll tell you all about it.

OK. later.

I wished we could have talked now, or that he would have been able to come to Tyler's, but it made sense that he wanted to spend more time with his family today. And maybe he'd had no choice. I texted Tyler to let him know I'd be coming over later and went downstairs in search of food. Mom was in the kitchen, ready to cook whatever I wanted, and we had another low key conversation as she cooked and I ate. Later I showered and changed and eventually made my way to Tyler's house, where I spent an excruciating several hours wondering why I had ever agreed to come in the first place.

I'd had a miserable enough time the last time I hung out with these jackasses and I could not conceive that things could possibly be worse, but without Jasper there to distract me I was forced to acknowledge that I would no longer be able to tolerate these get togethers in the future. In many ways, though, I was glad Jasper hadn't come, because if he had I would have had to beat the crap out of Eric, who felt the need to share how he and his new college buddies were making life miserable for some fag who got caught getting a blow job from another guy in the dorm bathroom. Without Jasper there, I resisted my urge to slug him, and merely told him to shut up, and that at least the fag found someone who would blow him which, I was sure, had not been the case for Eric. Yorkie gave me a pissed off look and for a moment I thought he was going to respond, but one chilling glare from me shut him up for good, and he spent the rest of the night sulking silently. The other guys looked at me with surprise, but no one was stupid enough to comment or object. Instead, they begged me to tell them more stories about the women I fucked in Seattle, like I made the mistake of doing before. Annoyed, I told them I wasn't going to be their personal Penthouse Forum and if they wanted to know what fucking women was like they should make more of an effort to find out for themselves. After that the conversation was limited to sports and we pretty much stuck to drinking and video games. I left Tyler's house early, without explanation, and for once none of the guys begged me to stay longer. I had a feeling that they were relieved I was leaving and it was just as well. I didn't think I'd ever get together again with this group.

Instead of going home, I went to the park Jasper and I had gone to at Thanksgiving, and planted myself on the swing. I felt closer to him here than I did anywhere else in Forks, and I'd rather be there for our nightly call than to spend another half the night on my bathroom floor. I sat there, swinging slightly, until it was late enough that I was reasonably sure Jasper would be done with all his family obligations. I texted him and he responded immediately that he was waiting for my call. With great anticipation, I pressed his number on my speed dial, eager to hear what had happened with his mother.

"Hi Edward, you'll never believe what happened this morning," Jasper launched into an explanation of how his mother had tricked him into revealing that he'd been involved in a relationship with a man, effectively forcing him to come out before he was ready. I felt a flash of anger, but then let it dissipate as Jasper told me more about his mother's acceptance and support. Fortunately, he'd been able to tell her a partially truthful story about James, enough to explain his distraction and failure to contact his family, but not enough to trigger his mother's full blown protective instinct.

"Wow," I said when he finished. "Your mom's really known that long?"

"Well, she suspected, but yeah. Kind of embarrassing. I haven't even known that long," he was clearly distressed by the possibility that if his mother has suspected for as long as she had, others might have too.

"I suppose mothers know their children, but still," I wanted to tell him that this was impossible, that as well as I'd known him for all these years, as close as we were, I would have suspected something before anyone else did, but as much as I wanted that to be true, I knew it wasn't. For whatever reason, I'd been unable or unwilling to recognize that part of him until I forced him to reveal it. But other people had no such problems. Both Bella and Peter, as well as the men Jasper met in Europe and Seth and Emmett and countless unknown others had seen signs of his homosexuality. I knew I wasn't the only one blind to it, but as strongly as I felt for him, this hyperopia seemed like a huge failure.

"Yeah. So what should I do about Jerry?" he inquired, clearly distressed.

"I really don't know," I said. Then, knowing that he was depending on my help, I continued. "What if you told him tomorrow afternoon? Then, if he takes it badly, it'd be time for us to leave for school anyway," I didn't even want to think about Jasper having to run from his family home, but if Jerry reacted physically in any way, returning to school would be the only solution, especially if he didn't want anyone to find out about what James had done. Jasper wasn't strong or healed enough to handle a fight, and if he needed to be medically treated afterwards, an examination would reveal the previous injuries.

"Yeah, I guess that would work. It would be easier to flee, anyway. Are you still willing to be here for that?"

"Of course," I couldn't believe he felt the need to ask. If there was even the slightest possibility of danger to him, wild horses couldn't keep me away. "Is 3:00 OK?"

"Yeah. That sounds good. . ." his voice sounded like he wasn't sure I'd be able to protect him.

"You're nervous," I tried to let him know without saying anything that he had nothing to worry about.

"Yup. Remember when we graduated? Those stupid, overpriced printed announcements? They should make those for guys like me. 'It is my pleasure to inform you that I, Jasper Whitlock, will be emerging out of the straight closet and will begin to live my life as out and proud homosexual on Monday, April . . ."

I chuckled. It was just like Jasper to try to diffuse a serious situation with humor.

"You know," I said, still laughing, "That's not a terrible idea. You could start your own business."

"Ha, ha, Edward. Very funny." As suddenly as the humor emerged, it all but disappeared.

"Well, OK, maybe that's a little much. But you're right. It would be much easier to send everyone a pre-printed announcement and not have to see the reaction. Still, that wouldn't help you in this situation. I don't think your mom would handle it very well if you sent Jerry an announcement," I brought the conversation back to the matter at hand, because he seemed to still need reassurance.

"No, I suppose not," he acknowledged. "So it looks like I have no choice. Tomorrow it is."

"It'll be all right, Jasper," I told him with as much reassurance as I could muster. "You'll have your mom and me there to help, and even if he doesn't get it right away, eventually he'll come around, just like I did. He loves you and that's what people who love you do. They come around," I startled myself with my words, but he didn't seem to notice, so we kept talking for a few more minutes before I heard him attempt to disguise his yawn.

"You're tired, Jas, and you have a big day tomorrow. Hang up and get some sleep. I'll be there at 3:00 sharp and we'll get you through it together."

"All right," this time he didn't try to hide the yawn. "Thanks, Edward. Good night."

"Good night, Jas. Sleep well."

We hung up and I thought about what I'd told him. Deep inside I'd known I loved him for some time, but I'd never said the words aloud, even to myself. It wasn't quite a declaration tonight, and clearly he didn't fully understand my meaning, but my slip let me know in no uncertain terms that my time was raining out. I would have to tell him how I felt soon, before the choice of when and how to do it was taken away from me by an unfortunately slip of the tongue. I thought about different scenarios all the way home, as I was getting ready for bed, and the entire time until I fell asleep.

Easter morning at the Cullen house was the same as it had ever been. We had long ago stopped the pretense of attending Church services as a family, though I suspected Mom got up early and went by herself before her absence could be noticed. Instead, Dad and I slept in while Mom prepared the brunch, getting up and ready just in time to eat. I worried that this year we would have a repeat of the Christmas tension, but it seemed my parents had worked out some sort of arrangement to keep the atmosphere cool, but civil. I found they were still occupying separate bedrooms, and didn't seem to have much interaction elsewhere, but when they were together in the same space at the same time they remained polite. We ate brunch quickly and, for the most part, silently, all three of us eager for the forced togetherness to be over. Mom tried to send me several apologetic glances throughout the meal, as if the lack of a typical warm family atmosphere was solely her fault, but I shook off her looks every time and merely continued eating.

After brunch I packed and loaded the car, then waited nervously for the appointed time for me to go to Jasper's house. At the last minute I remembered that I had some of the brochures Alice had sent in my book bag, so I fished them out and put a few that seemed particularly appropriate for the occasion into my pocket. I was nervous, though I knew I would have to hide that from Jas. Today, more than any other, he would need me to be calm and strong.

I arrived at the Barnes' house right on time. Jasper was waiting for me, his bags lined up in the foyer. We hugged, and while I knew he thought the embrace was for his benefit, the physical contact was just as reassuring for me. I knew I'd missed him over the two days we spent apart, but until I held him back in my arms I didn't know just how much. I told him repeatedly that everything would be all right and that he had nothing to worry about, because he seemed to need it. After a little while we let go of each other and walked to the kitchen, where Mrs. Barnes welcomed me and then led Jasper to see Jerry. I followed, but did not enter the room, staying in the doorway instead. Theoretically I was there for moral support, and I didn't want to intrude on the family moment, unless the situation changed for the worse and I had to interfere.

Mrs. Barnes got Jerry's attention and the conversation started. It got off to a promising start. Jerry seemed surprised at Jasper's announcement, but he was clearly making an effort to remain calm and try to take it all in stride. Then he asked Jasper who else knew, and Jas explained that he'd told no one, not even his father, except for some close friends. That's when Jerry turned to me, seemingly noticing me for the first time.

"And what about you? Are you the boyfriend? Is that why you two insisted on living together at school this year?" The question was laced with enough hostility to make Jasper gasp.

"No, Jerry. Edward is just a friend. He's just here for moral support. He's not gay."

Jerry didn't seem convinced as I said nothing. I wasn't gay, but I loved Jasper, and I sure as hell wanted to be more than just a friend, so I wasn't about to say anything stupid that would ruin my chances.

"Lucky for you, I imagine," Jerry opined. "I can't think your father would be too pleased with his only son being queer."

Mrs. Barnes let out an outraged gasp and I tensed up, for the first time feeling the atmosphere take a turn for the worse.

Jerry apologized, even as Jasper's mom expressed her disappointment and walked over to stand by her son in support. Jerry looked to all three of us, in turn, then started walking towards Jas and Mrs. Barnes. It was clear we were all ready for the worst. She put herself in front of Jasper, he straightened up to his full height and I readied myself to jump in, exchanging a quick look with Jasper to let him know my intentions. As it turned out, though, we'd been worried for no reason. Jerry merely offered Jasper a hug and his reluctant acceptance.

"What now?" Jerry asked. "Do others in Forks know?" My ears perked up. I was interested in the answer to this question as well. Was there any hope at all of keeping this news from my father?

"No," Jas replied. "And I don't really plan on telling anyone. I don't want to hide who I am, but I don't need to make any public announcements, either. Edward is the only other person who knows. Unless you told anyone?" he looked to me in question.

"Of course not," I was indignant. Did he really think I was so much of a busybody that I would even for a second consider sharing my knowledge with anyone without his consent?

"Well, Honey," Jasper's mom piped in. "I think you have the right to privacy, so I don't think we need to tell anyone. But if someone says anything derogatory about gays in front of me in the future, I don't plan on just quietly listening. Unless you'd feel uncomfortable if I mentioned you were gay in that context?"

"No, mom, of course not. I'm not trying to hide and you have as much right to tell people about me as I do I hope the situation you mentioned doesn't actually come up, but I'd have no problem with you telling people I was gay."

I let out a mental groan. If there was anyone in this town who was most likely to say something derogatory about gays, it was my father. So much for keeping the news quiet. The best I could hope for now was that Mrs. Barnes and my Dad were never in the same place at the same time until we finished college, and the odds of that happening were very slim indeed.

Mr. Barnes was still going on about how he needed time to get used to the news of Jasper's sexual preferences. Suddenly remembering the brochures in my pocket, I pulled them out and handed them to him.

"Here, I brought some pamphlets. They might help," I said by way of explanation. "There's one in there about talking to younger kids," I added, remembering that Jerry said something earlier about Kimmie.

Jerry accepted the pamphlets and reviewed them quickly. "Thank you. That was very thoughtful," he acknowledged.

"Yes," Mrs. Barnes echoed, "Very thoughtful, Edward." She walked up to me and hugged me. I gave Jasper a weak smile over her shoulder, feeling like I hardly deserved any thanks considering what I had done to Jasper when he originally shared the same information with me. Jasper's warm smile, however, put me more at ease. It seemed like he really had let go of any resentment at my former behavior.

Mr. Barnes expressed his reservations about telling Kimmie anything and Jasper assured him that it could wait, which actually made me feel better. I didn't think Mrs. Barnes would turn into a huge gay rights activist in town if her daughter didn't know about Jasper's orientation. Once a few people in town knew, there would be no way to keep anything like this secret, so if Mr. and Mrs. Barnes decided to shelter their young daughter for a while, Jasper would be safe from my father's wrath.

We said our goodbyes and loaded Jasper's stuff into the car, then started the drive back to Seattle.

"That all went so much better than I imagined it would," Jas said, sounding relieved. "I almost wish now that I would have been braver and told everyone sooner. But then there were other reasons why I stayed quiet," he looked out the passenger side window and I know he was thinking about my reaction, how miserable I had been in Seattle and how much worse it could have been had we still been in Forks.

"Thank you, Edward, for all the phone conversations and for being there today and bringing those pamphlets. It all meant so much to me. I am so thrilled we're friends again."

"Don't thank me," I replied. "The very least I could do is to be supportive now, after I'd behaved like such a bastard last fall. This isn't nearly enough to make up for that. I don' t know if anything I do will ever be enough."

He reached out and placed his hand over mine on the steering wheel.

"I thought we talked about this, Edward. I've forgiven you. Now you have to forgive yourself as well. You don't have to do anything, just let it all go. I don't want to have to keep thinking about it, OK?"

I turned my head to look at him. He was so sincere and, of course, he'd reminded me of something I foolishly forgot. Every time I brought up what happened last fall he had to go through it all over again. By being unable to forgive myself, I was punishing him too. I had to stop, for his sake if not for mine.

"Okay, Jas. I'll stop. I promise."

"Thanks," he said, and kept his hand over mine a little while longer before placing it back on his thigh.

We stopped talking, each lost in our own thoughts. I figured he was going over everything that happened for him this weekend. As for me, I was trying to figure out how to tell him everything I needed him to know. After sleeping those two nights without him, I couldn't let it happen again. But if he decided he was ready to sleep alone, the only way to convince him otherwise would be to tell him the truth.

The thought of confessing my feelings was almost enough to make me break out into a cold sweat. I'd never felt like this about anyone before, and I hated how vulnerable it made me. In the past, I stayed with or left girls for my convenience only. I never had any feelings for them and didn't care if they had any for me. When they stopped being of use, whether after a few hours, days or weeks, I simply left, or told them to go to hell. With Jasper everything was different. I loved him, I wanted him, and I needed him. I'd tried living without him and I knew what a wreck it made me. I showed that I could survive without him, but it had been just that. Nothing meant anything to me if I couldn't share it with him. I didn't have or need or want anyone else. I just wanted to spend the rest of my waking and sleeping moments with him by my side. The intensity of this desire frightened me. Only with him by my side could I be anything other than a zombie, one of the living dead.

Of course how could I tell him any of this? He'd never believe me. I'd never had any affection for anyone. I'd never loved anyone. Those emotions had not been in my make-up. If I tried to convince him that I'd suddenly realized I was in love with him, would he be able to take me seriously? Maybe it was better to go slower, start off with something less shocking, and then show him I mean what I say over time. I wanted him to know I was serious, not think that I was playing some practical joke. And if I came at him talking of love, that's probably exactly what he would think, and I might scare him or piss him off before I even have a chance to prove that I was telling the truth.

I glanced over in his direction. He looked lost in thought, with a small smile on his face that looked slightly sad. I wanted to ask what he was thinking about, but I didn't want to pry and I was a little concerned that he might ask me the same thing. So I just let him be and returned to my thoughts.

By the time we pulled into our parking garage I had a plan. I would tell him how I felt, at least some part of it, though I wouldn't put any love labels on it yet. I'd just be honest and sincere and I'd let him know that my opinions, whatever they might have been before, have changed, all because of him. And then it would be in his hands. And I had to believe that the Jasper I knew would listen, and if he felt anything for me at all, would give me another chance.

Up in our apartment we started unpacking and Jasper disappeared into his room. I had the idea that this would be a good time to give him the sketch, so I went to the back of my closet and dug it out, placing it in the gift box and filling out the tag. I put the box on the bookshelf and went to the kitchen to get a couple of beers, then headed for his room.

"Jasper, I need to talk to you," I said, handing him one of the beers.

"Sure," he sounded a bit hesitant, but he followed me into the living room and sat beside me on the couch. I took a swig of the beer for a little bit of liquid courage and he followed suit.

"It was so weird to be home," I started. It wasn't the smoothest thing to say, but the words were out before I had a chance to reconsider.

.

"Yeah, especially for me," he conceded. "I kept thinking how close I came to never going home again if I'd stayed with . . ." he paused, clearly reluctant to say James' name. I didn't mind. I wish there was a way to erase that fucker from our lives altogether.

"And then my mom's ambush. So unexpected! Yeah, you can definitely say that again. In fact, weird doesn't even begin to describe it. It was downright bizarre."

"You know, for me it didn't feel like home anymore," I tried to explain. "It kind of felt like a charade. My fucking parents and I all acting out our respective roles. When I lived there it all seemed so normal, but now it felt artificial somehow. A lot of things have changed for me this year."

"Yeah? Like what?"

"I don't know. All the things that seemed important when we lived in Forks, having everyone do what I wanted them to and following me, they seem really stupid now. Getting together with all the guys Saturday was painful – I didn't want to be there with them, wasting my time doing all the same stupid stuff we used to do when we were in high school," that was an understatement. The whole night was one of the most miserable experiences of my life.

"What did you want to do instead?" he seemed genuinely interested, but it was clear he still had no clue where I was going with all this. I didn't know if that was good or bad. I drank some more beer and thought about whether I was really ready to tell him and to face the consequences, whatever they were. After a moment I figured it was too late to back out. I had to finish what I started.

"I wanted to be here, with you," my voice was a near whisper. Goddamn, I hated being this vulnerable!

I heard the catch in his breath and saw him take a long pull on the beer bottle. I had no idea what to make of it. Silence stretched and I felt the need to fill it with something.

"I know it's stupid, Jas. It was only a long weekend and I knew we'd be back here soon, but I missed you. There's something about being in this apartment with you – if feels like home. You get me in a way no one else does. I don't have to pretend here. Not anymore."

He took another drink, still without saying a word. This was so painful. All I wanted was to know what the hell he was thinking, but he gave me no clues. I turned towards him and kept talking.

"Look, I know I was a complete insensitive bastard when we first got here, shoving all those girls in your face, asking you to . . . And then when you came out, when I forced you out, I was even worse. And I can't help but feel that maybe if I had reacted differently, if I had been less self-absorbed, if I had just been willing to listen, to keep an open mind, maybe you would have never called that bastard and things would be so different now . . ."

He turned away from me, but not before I saw the pain on his face. Shit! This was a huge mistake. I was fucking it all up! This was my only chance to tell him everything and make things right between us and I was blowing it. Desperate, I slid up closer to him and reached out to turn his head to face me.

"I'm sorry, Jasper. I know I can never make up for what I did, the way I reacted, but I am really sorry. Believe me, if I could go back in time to change things, I would. If I could go back in time to suffer in your place, I would. Fuck! If I could go back in time and kill the fucker before he had a chance to touch you, I would!"

I let him go, my hand falling to the couch. He surprised me by placing his hand over mine.

"Stop agonizing over it, Edward," he pleaded. "I know you would do all these things if you could. And you came through for me when it was over, when it really counted. You took care of me and protected me, like you always used to. And now you accept me for who I am. And that's enough."

"Is it? Is that enough for you?" I didn't mean to sound so confrontational, but again, the words were out before I could stop them.

He closed his eyes so I couldn't tell what he was thinking. I had to say something to let him know I wasn't accusing him or demanding anything.

"Because it's not enough for me," I said, staring at him to see his reaction. I made sure my voice was loud and clear, so he didn't have to ask me to repeat anything. He opened his beautiful blue eyes and looked straight at me, puzzled.

"What did you say?" I guess I wasn't loud and clear enough.

"I said it's not enough for me, Jasper. I want more." I didn't know what it was, but something in his expression was making my confidence grow.

"More?" He still sounded confused, and suddenly I knew it was up to me to make myself perfectly clear. I took his beer from him and set both his and my bottles on the coffee table before moving even closer to him on the sofa. This was it. The point of no return.

"Yes, Jasper, more. I lost you once. I pushed you away because I was too fucking scared to admit this even to myself, much less to you. But I'm done being afraid. I don't want to waste any more time and I won't let you go again. We belong here, you and I, in our home, and not just as friends and former classmates from Forks. It took me a while to realize this, but ever since the night I found out about Bella, I just couldn't think of you as simply my friend. I started thinking about you, about us, in ways that I'd never considered before. Ways that, quite frankly, scared the shit out of me. I was terrified, and yet I really wanted it, wanted you, wanted us. Being with you was all I thought about, all summer.

"And then when you got here you acted differently. And I started doubting. I didn't know if it was you or me. I was confused. I didn't know what to do. I thought maybe if I found girls who didn't mind group stuff you'd join in, but you just started disappearing. And then when I brought Alice home I finally thought I'd done the right thing and you ran, and I thought it was me. Finding you with Emmett, who I knew was gay, and then hearing that you were gay and thinking that you were with him . . . I couldn't handle it, Jas. I couldn't admit how I felt when you had already chosen someone else."

"But Edward," he interrupted, "the next day I told you that there was nothing between me and Emmett. I told you . . ."

"I know, but I was afraid to believe it. And you were moving out. Why would you move out if you felt the way you said you did?"

"You said you never wanted to see me again. What was I supposed to do?"

Shit! I ran my hand through my hair in frustration. This was not going the way I wanted it to. I just wanted to explain and I ended up sounding like I was accusing him again, like it had been his fault. Damn it! Why did I always get this shit wrong?

"I know, I know. It made no sense. I wasn't thinking clearly," I tried to let him know that I knew the responsibility was all mine. "There was a part of me that hated you for lying and for spending time with Emmett and Seth. And another part of me hated myself for feeling the way I did about you, for wanting to be with you, to touch you, to fuck you."

Oh crap! Now I've done it! Did I actually say all those things to him? And why wasn't he saying anything back? He opened his mouth and I waited anxiously for his response.

"What happened after I moved out?" That was definitely not what I was expecting. Was he really going to just avoid the issue like that? Pretend that I hadn't just confessed to wanting to have sex with him? Well, if that was what he wanted, I had no choice but to go along.

"I drank. I got into bar fights. I failed a couple of classes . . ." my voice was monotone. Just listing the facts. He seemed shocked, and I realized we never really talked about this.

"I'm sorry, Edward . . ." he started to apologize, but I didn't want to hear it. None of that shit meant anything and none of it was his fault.

"It didn't matter. That was the thing. Without you here nothing really mattered. And then you came back from break and started seeing guys, and that was so . . . it was just so fucking painful," I put a hand over my face, afraid that all these fucking memories were going to make me break out in tears. Why the hell did I have to dredge all this up? But I couldn't cry. For fuck's sake, he didn't want to be with some sniveling idiot. If he was attracted to that he'd be chasing girls. I needed to buck up and be a man. Hopefully the man he wanted. I looked back at him and continued.

"But seeing you with James here in the building, seeing how happy you were, hearing you call him sweetheart and talking about what you had planned for the night . . . that was the worst. Until you moved out, which was even worse than that. I wanted to do something, to tell you, to ask you to come back, but I figured after what I did, I didn't deserve anything from you, and you didn't deserve my messing with your happiness . . ." I sighed in frustration. So many wrong turns. So much time wasted and damage done, all because of my stupid assumptions and my idiotic pride.

"It's OK, Edward. I understand," he assured. "It wasn't your fault. You couldn't have known about James. You were trying to do the right thing."

I looked down, ashamed. He was giving me the benefit of a doubt that I definitely did not deserve. I had no idea how it was possible that he had so much capacity to forgive, but he clearly did, and that had to mean something. No matter how scared I was, I had to keep going.

"Now that you're back, now that we worked all that stuff out, I just really want us to be together, Jasper, here, in this apartment," I remembered our talks back in November about the differences between Forks and Seattle. I needed him to know that I wanted to erase those differences. That I wanted things between us to be the same here as they were back home.

"I want to share meals and watch TV together and play games and study and read the Sunday paper and do all those other things that people who are together do. But most of all I want us in bed, together. I want to fall asleep together every night and wake up together every morning," I almost didn't believe I got it out, but there it was. I'd finally told him what I was looking for. And now that I'd gone this far, I couldn't stop. I had to take the next step.

"And I don't just want to sleep, Jasper. I want you. I want you so damn much. I want all the things I've been fantasizing about. In the bed, in the shower, on this couch, on the floor, over the damn kitchen counter . . . I want more."

I looked up at him and watched his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed. He stared back at me, his eyes wide with surprise but also something else. I watched the tip of his tongue slip out and I lost all control, quickly closing the gap between us to bring our lips together. I kissed him hard, pushing him back against the sofa and slipping my tongue into his mouth. Encouraged by his moans, I explored the inside of his mouth with my tongue as I ran my right hand over his chest and stomach, down to the hard on I could feel through his jeans. I curled my hand over the outline of his erection, thrilled to feel him wrap his arms around me and pull me closer. We kept kissing, breathing heavily though our noses. Everything inside me was starting to burn with a need more powerful than anything I'd ever felt before.

I turned him and pushed him down flat onto the sofa, lying on top of him and grinding our pelvises together, his hardness rubbing against mine. Jesus, this felt good, but it wasn't enough. I needed more of him. I groaned with pleasure and my lips left his as I kissed his face and neck and jaw, stopping near his ear.

"I want you, Jasper," I rasped, my desire clear in the rough gravel of my voice. "I want your skin against mine. I want to feel your body naked beneath me. I want to bury my hard cock inside you. Do you want that too, Baby? Tell me what you want!"

I rolled my hips against him again as I waited for a response, my hand snaking around his hip to tightly grip his ass. My lust consumed me completely. It was as though I'd been waiting for this all my life.

"I want more too, Edward," his words were like the sweetest music, despite the rough quality of his voice. "I've always wanted more."

I crushed my mouth over his again, plunging my tongue deep, eliciting a soft moan that went straight to my cock. I couldn't wait any longer. I moved to stand up and reached for Jasper, bringing him up as well. I grabbed his hand and headed for my room, pulling him into my arms as soon as we were inside and next to my bed. I yanked his shirt out of his pants and quickly undid the buttons, moving my lips over his face and down his neck to his chest as I pushed the shirt off his shoulders. I kept my lips fastened to his body as I used both hands to grasp the hem of my shirt, separating from him only long enough to pull it off over my head and toss it aside. As soon as the shirt was off I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him up against me, loving the feel of his skin on mine. We both reached down to the closures of our jeans at the same time, and worked in unison to unbutton and unzip each other, pushing our pants and underwear down, then separating again only long enough to take everything off, including our shoes and socks.

When all my clothing was gone I straightened and looked at him, standing before me in all his nude glory, his hard cock, longer and bigger than mine, manifesting his desire. I pushed him onto the bed and stretched out on top of him, placing as much of our flesh in contact with each other as possible. I ran my hands over his hips and up his sides as his hands slid down my back to my ass, pulling me into him, our dicks brushing against each other again, this time with no barriers between us. I was panting now, as was he, and I knew that much more of this and I wouldn't be able to hold back. I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't fail him so miserably the first time I was with him. He had been with other men and he wanted a man, not some teenager who creamed himself the moment something touched his cock. I had to stop if I wanted to be of any use, but first I needed to know that it was what he wanted too. I needed to ask him. Ask him like the strong, confidant man that he wanted.

"Do you want me to ride that pretty ass of yours, Baby?" I deliberately lowered my voice and made it sound hard and demanding. He moaned, but I wasn't sure that was enough of an affirmation. "Say it," I commanded.

"Yes, Edward, please, I want your hard dick filling me up," he was breathless, and so fucking hot. Just hearing him say those words as he moved under me nearly pushed me over the edge.

I got up before it was too late and walked over to the dresser. Back when I was still reading all of Alice's brochures, I came across a lot of information about sexually transmitted diseases and the importance of using proper protection, especially during anal sex. Thinking about all the women I'd fucked with abandon, never once using any protection, scared the shit out of me, and I immediately got tested. All the tests came back clean, but the doctor warned me that some stuff took longer to register, so I'd have to be tested again. In the meantime, she insisted that I should use condoms every time I fucked, whether pregnancy was an issue or not. By that time I was already thinking about Jasper, so pregnancy prevention was not high on my list of priorities, but protecting Jasper from whatever my partners may have carried if I was ever lucky enough to be with him, sure was. So I went out and bought condoms, and a bottle of lubricant too, feeling extremely embarrassed and self-conscious about both. When I got home I shoved them into the dresser drawer and haven't done anything with them since. Now, though, I could have kissed Alice, and the doctor, and the checkout person at the pharmacy where I got them.

I grabbed the lube and one condom, ripping the package open and slipping the latex over my painfully swollen cock. Having virtually no experience with the damned things since the first time I put one on just to try it out, way before I'd ever had sex, I only hoped I still remembered how to do it right. I hated the way the stupid thing felt on me, but Jasper's health was at stake, and that was more important than my personal sensitivities. I opened the bottle of lube, poured some on the condom and threw the bottle on the bed. I watched as Jasper picked it up, poured some out and slid his hand down between his legs, below his balls, exactly where I needed to be.

I'd done this before with girls, countless times, so it wasn't a mystery, yet for some reason my nerves were completely shot. What if this was done completely differently when two guys were involved? Shit! What would a guy want? Someone strong, someone commanding, someone who took charge and didn't dick around with lots of soft words and foreplay. Not that I ever bothered with soft words and foreplay, even with women, but I figured with a man that was completely unnecessary. Right? Damn! I should have done some research, but I never could get over the thought of watching two guys fuck. I was such an idiot, but there was no time for second guessing. I just had to get to it and hope for the best.

I walked up to the bed, grabbed him and flipped him over, then grabbed his hips and positioned him so I could enter him standing right at the edge of the bed. He adjusted himself and I loved watching the muscles move beneath the smooth skin of his back. He had the most beautiful dip at the base of his spine, right above his amazing ass. The slight indentation of his spine and the two creases at the top of his cheeks formed an arrow, as if leading the way. I grasped the twin, round globes in my hands and parted them, positioning my head at his hole. With girls I sometimes stretched them first, but I figured he'd done this before and we were both lubed up and, being a guy, he probably liked it rough anyway, so I just pushed right against the muscle until the head of my cock was fully enveloped in the most incredible tightness. I leaned forward, slowly pressing myself deeper and deeper inside him until I was fully sheathed. I felt something I never felt before, something I had no words for. My whole body pulsed, I could feel blood circulating within me, I was suddenly aware of every physical sensation, no matter how minuscule. I started moving, slowly pulling out just a little bit and then pushing back in. I wanted the friction, but I didn't want to be separated from him, not even by an inch. It was maddening and wonderful at the same time. And then he nearly opened the floodgates when he pushed his hips back against me and whimpered "I need more."

I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself a little, but it all just felt so good. It didn't help any that my dick hasn't felt anything other than my hand since the night he left. It was no use. If he needed more I had better give it to him pretty quick, while I still could. I grabbed his hips tightly for leverage and pulled out nearly all the way, then thrust back in. Jesus! I did it again, and again, increasing the tempo.

"Fuck, Baby, this feels so good. Your ass is so tight," I breathed.

He made small little mewling noises and for a moment I feared that I was doing something wrong, but then he brought one of his hands to his cock and started stroking in time with my thrusts, and I figured this was a good sign. I knew I didn't have much time left. Being encased in his warmth was very rapidly pushing me to the brink. I kept a tight hold on his hips as I pumped in and out, feeling his arm move in tandem. My movements and breathing became erratic as the tension mounted and I could feel myself right on the edge of the explosion. I managed a couple more thrusts before I felt the surge and my cum flooded the condom inside him just as I heard his cry and felt the spasms as he emptied his load onto my bed. I continued to thrust more slowly until we were both spent, then put hands on either side of him on the bed and leaned over him, pressing myself into his back. We were both covered by a light film of sweat and his scent, mixed with the musk of his emissions right below us, drove me crazy as I breathed it in.

"Goddamn, Baby, that was so fucking incredible." I murmured. His reply was a low, satisfied hum.

I pressed my lips softly against his salty skin, then pushed myself up and disposed of the condom. I pulled back the bed covers and motioned for Jasper to get in. I knew it might have been smarter to clean up the jizz off the duvet and us, but I was so damn tired and so relaxed, I figured we could take care of that shit in the morning. Right then all I wanted to do was to feel him naked beside me as we fell asleep together, the way we were meant to.

We got under the covers together and I pulled him close into my chest, wrapping my arms around him lovingly. After all this time I was finally holding the man I loved, the man I would always love and cherish and protect.

"You're mine, now, Jasper," I assured him. "You're mine and I swear no one is ever going to touch you or hurt you again."

I kissed and licked his neck lovingly, wanting to do so much more but feeling so damn tired. Completely overwhelmed by the absolute rightness of the situation, I quickly fell asleep.

I knew something was wrong the instant I opened my eyes in the morning. I was alone, and I damn well knew I shouldn't be. I reached my arm to the other side of the bed and found it cold. The door to the bedroom was also closed, something I didn't remember doing the previous night. My heart rate increased. It was nothing specific. There was nothing to indicate any problems. And yet the prickling sensation of fear would not go away. I glanced at the bedside clock. It was only 7:00, too early for Jasper to be getting up, as our first class wasn't until 10:00.

I got out of bed and was about to rush out into the living room when I thought about the closed door. Maybe there was someone else in the apartment. If so, Jasper wouldn't want me to go charging out there naked. I went to the dresser and quickly pulled out a tee shirt and pair of sweats, not even bothering with underwear. I yanked the bedroom door open, dreading what or who I would see on the other side, but the room was empty. I glanced towards the bathroom. The door was open and the light off, so I figured there was no one in there. I started walking to Jasper's room, not understanding why he would feel the need to leave me this morning. What if the previous night had been a mistake? What if he changed his mind?

I stopped in the doorway to his room and looked around. He wasn't there, but I could instantly see some things were missing. His laptop wasn't there, for one, and there were clothes gone from the closet. More than he could have needed to wear this morning. What the fuck?

I went back to the living room, looking for anything out of place. There was nothing. I was hoping to find a note, anything to let me know what the fuck was going on, but all the surfaces were clear. I went back to my room. No notes there either. I ran to the bathroom and flipped on the light. There was no water in the shower and Jasper's towel was perfectly dry. Shit! What was going on? Why the hell would Jasper leave the apartment in the middle of the night and without showering? Something horrible must have happened!

I went back to my room and grabbed my cell, pressing the speed dial for Jasper. The call immediately went to voice mail. I left a frantic message, then pulled up the Internet to check my e-mail, just in case he had left a message for me there. Nothing. I sat on the bed and buried my hands in my hair. I had no idea what to do. What or who could have made Jasper leave so quickly and secretly? And then a horrible thought slipped into my brain. James!

Did that sick motherfucker finally come back for Jasper, just as we'd all let down our guard? But why would Jasper let him in? And why wouldn't he have woken me? The questions bothered me, but I forced myself to dismiss them. I could get my answers later. Right now the only important thing was getting Jasper back.

I grabbed my keys and ran out of the apartment. I looked down and realized I was barefoot, but I didn't slow. I was only going down the hall. I knocked on Emmett's door, hoping either he or Seth were up, so I didn't have to wake up the whole floor with my pounding. The door opened immediately, as if he were waiting for me.

"Emmett, I woke up this morning and Jas is gone. Some of his stuff is gone too. I think James came back for him. We have to go get him."

"Hi Edward. Come in," Emmett said.

"What? No! We don't have time. We need to go right now and get Jasper back. We don't know what that asshole will do to him."

"He's not with James, Edward," Emmett offered. "Now please, come in. We don't have to wake the neighbors with this."

I was frustrated, but he didn't look like he was going to tell me any more while I stood in the hallway, so I followed him into the apartment and watched him close the door.

"What do you mean Jasper's not with James? How do you know? Where is he?"

Emmett sighed.

"Jasper came by earlier. He said a lot of stuff has happened lately and he was feeling overwhelmed and he needed time to think. He left town for a while. I took him to the airport myself, but he didn't tell me where he was going."

"What?" I was confused. None of what he was telling me made any sense. "Did he say what kind of stuff? What does he need to think about?"

Emmett just shook his head.

"But that doesn't make any sense. It could be a trick. James may have threatened him with something to say that. He could have been waiting for him at the airport. Don't you see? We have to go look for him, now!"

Emmett shook his head again.

"James has nothing to do with this. All that has happened to Jas lately, it was just too much for him. He needs to go somewhere, away from everything and everyone, and re-group. I'm sure he'll be back soon and things will go back to normal. We just have to give him a few days to figure things out."

I stared at him, blankly. I hated that he seemed to have more information than me. Hated what that implied about my relationship with Jasper. Hated that he seemed to trust Emmett more than he trusted me. And I still wasn't sure I believed it.

I yanked open the door and went back to our apartment. I grabbed my phone again and, when I saw there'd been no calls, dialed Jas. I left another frantic message and then, helpless and frustrated, I leaned against the wall of my bedroom and slid down to the floor. I wrapped my arms around my knees, pulling them as close to my chest as I could, and hung my head forward to rest on them. I didn't know anything, except that Jasper was gone.