Chapter 7

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Chapter 7: You're Just the Part of Me I Can't Let Go

The next couple of weeks were both wonderful and frustrating as all hell. It was amazing having Jasper back. Every morning I woke up knowing not only that I'd see him, but that my presence would be welcome. Often we'd start off the day by having breakfast together before I walked him to class. Emmett and I escorted Jasper between classes in accordance with our set schedule, which meant that sometimes he and I were alone for lunch as well. And even though Emmett and Seth spent the majority of their time in my apartment, there were still times when they were both in class or out somewhere, and Jasper and I were alone. Those were my favorite times.

Not that I necessarily minded having Seth or Emmett or both around. Since we were all getting ready for final exams, we often ate dinner together, finally making a dent in the store of the frozen meals I stacked up while Jasper had been away. And when, on occasion, we all had a few minutes to hang out and talk together, I had to admit that they actually weren't so bad. Seth was a queer little drama queen, no doubt, but he was clearly smart and quick and he could be very funny. I also quickly realized that behind the tough as nails small exterior was a man who would do just about anything for his friends. Not that I fell into that category, but Jasper seemed to, and it was an admirable quality. And Emmett? In many ways he was just a regular guy. I bet with the way he was built and talked football and in general didn't act at all swishy, many people wouldn't even suspect he was gay. True, his very fitted clothes did make you think, but he wasn't nearly as flamboyant as Seth. Hell, I knew he was gay, and yet sometimes, after the two of us shared a brief conversation, I would wonder. I just never thought that I could hang out comfortably with a gay man who wasn't Jasper, but Emmett was making me re-think all those assumptions.

Of course, Seth and Emmett were a source of aggravation as well. There were too many occasions for my taste when they were alone with Jasper, filling his head with God only knew what garbage about me. I certainly knew there was no love lost there, and both of them still held a grudge over the way I acted when Jasper came out. We did have an unspoken and uneasy truce, all working together in concert for Jasper, but without him in our lives I was sure we would have gone our separate ways and never exchanged another word. Since Jasper was still healing and we were in the final two weeks of the term, I knew they wouldn't be steering him towards other guys, but I figured after the term and spring break were over, it was only a matter of time before they would start setting him up on dates to help him "forget" James and to get him away from me, and I just couldn't let that happen. Thankfully, both Emmett and Seth had plans to leave Seattle for Spring Break, so I would have a week alone with Jasper to show him that he didn't need anyone in his life but me. I started planning all the different things we could do together. I figured as we explored the city we could re-form a bond as tight as the one we had before, so that when Seth and Emmett came back, they would be on the outside looking in.

As time passed, I could see Jasper was doing better. His injuries were healing, and although he was not yet recovered completely, the minimal time out of the apartment and the resulting forced rest was having a good effect. My cuts and bruises were healing too, though I hardly cared about myself at this point, beyond the fact that returning to those stupid pre-made and nutritionally balanced meals was helping me re-gain the weight and strength I'd lost. I noticed that Jasper would sometimes get distracted so I'd have to remind him to eat or study, sometimes earning some resentful looks in the process, but I knew I was only doing it for his own good. He seemed to recognize it as well, because any annoyance he felt at my reminders was gone almost instantly, especially since I was leading by example, eating and studying with him. Sometimes all four of us would gather around our living room, spread out on the sofa, the armchairs, the floor or at the table, all reading or cramming for our respective classes. It would get so quiet in the room you could hear a pin drop, the silence only occasionally interrupted by paper shuffling or the sound of pen or pencil or highlighters scribbling. It was clear that all four of us took our classes seriously and I was glad. I needed to do well in all of my classes this term, and having them all there as studious as me didn't make me feel like such a nerd.

Another good thing about being forced to spend time with the neighbors was being able to adopt their mannerisms. I noticed that the two of them were constantly touching each other and Jasper when they were in close proximity, though the contact seemed purely friendly and comforting. I was thankful for this and used it to my advantage. It gave me a chance to get closer physically with Jasper without arousing any suspicion. I loved being able to hug him when I met him after class or grab and squeeze his hand as we passed each other in the apartment. Each casual touch was like a mini electric shock to my system, and I couldn't help but wonder if he felt the same. He never commented on it, though, good or bad, just accepted my actions and reciprocated the same way he did with the other two guys. I kept hoping and waiting for some sort of a sign that I still meant more to him than just a friend, that some vestige of the feelings he claimed to have for me back in November survived my gigantic fuck-up, but I found nothing. Either he was really good at covering it up, or I was extraordinarily dense, or both. Still, as long as he didn't pull away, there was hope that even if there was nothing left now, I could somehow grow this newly tenuous friendship into more.

There was one physical thing I couldn't do, and that burned more than everything else. Throughout the two weeks, Jasper continued to sleep with Seth. And on the nights when Seth was going to be out late, Jasper went to Emmett's apartment to sleep with him, so that Seth could come in late at night and they would all be together in one apartment. Not once did he ask me to stay with him. In fact, if it wasn't for my insistence that I stay on the couch at Seth and Emmett's apartment while Jasper shared Emmett's bed, he would have been all too willing to leave me alone in our place while he spent the night down the hall. It was hard to hide my anger at being shut out like that, without any second thought or regret. I felt rejected and resentful, even though I'd never actually offered or asked to spend the night with him. But even as I fumed silently, I knew that my only option was to man up and say something or accept it. This was simply yet another thing I would have to work on in the week Seth and Emmett were gone. The entire task of convincing Jasper that I had changed and that we could not only go back to being best friends, but to be even more, seemed Herculean, and I wasn't sure if I measured up to it all. However, lacking other alternatives, I knew I had to try.

Although at times days and nights seemed to drag forever, especially as I lay in my bed or on the sofa thinking about Jasper sleeping nearby in the arms of other men, before I knew it finals week was coming to an end. The Friday morning of that week Seth left for the airport, picked up by one of his queer friends, as Emmett, Jasper and I still had finals to take. Friday evening Jasper and I drove Emmett to the airport so he could fly out to visit his family in Minnesota. I'd grown to tolerate, hell, almost like Emmett, but I was glad to see the back of him as he disappeared through the security checkpoint on his way to his departure gate. We went back to the car and drove back to the apartment without speaking. I felt excited and edgy. This was what I had been waiting for. Jasper and I would finally be alone for over a week without any interruptions. And yet, now that the moment was here, I wasn't sure what to do, how to start. Finally, unable to keep quiet, I blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

"I'm damned sick of those fucking frozen entrees. Let's get a pizza?"

That's the most clever thing you could come up with? I could have slapped my forehead Homer Simpson style, if it wasn't for Jasper's easy and eager acquiescence. I called in the order, intending to pick it up on the way home, then asked Jasper what he wanted to do that night. I decided to do whatever he wanted, even though my preference was to stay at the apartment, so I could have him all to myself. I was thrilled when he announced "I guess I'd like to maybe just watch TV or a movie? But if you prefer to go out . . ."

"No," I quickly protested. "I'm good to stay in. A movie sounds great. There's bound to be something On Demand we haven't seen yet."

We ate as we watched the movie - some action flick I barely paid any attention to. We'd done this countless times both back in Forks and here in Seattle, before everything went to hell. And yet this time felt different, special. At least it did for me. I kept thinking how good it was to have him back and to be able to just hang out, knowing no one would be stopping by later to interrupt us or change the topic of conversation or suggest a different activity. He seemed fairly focused on the movie, so I don't think he noticed the furtive glances I sent his way, loving the way he looked casually sprawled out on the sofa. If he had been a girl I might have made my move that night. I might have slid over and casually put my hand on his knee, slowly moving it up his thigh if there was no indication that my touch was unwelcome. But he wasn't a girl. He was a gay man who, understandably enough, thought I hated gay men. Putting the move on him now, out of the blue, would have freaked him out too much. So I satisfied myself with looking at him and letting my imagination do what I couldn't do in real life, distracting myself with putting away the pizza leftovers when staying in the same room might make my thoughts too obvious. I asked him if he wanted to watch another movie, hating to prolong my own torture yet not wanting to be separated from him, but he declined.

"I don't think I could stay awake for another one. I'm pretty tired," he said through a yawn.

"Are you going to sleep, then?" I was keenly aware that for the first time neither Seth nor Emmett were here to accompany him to bed, and that this was the perfect pretext for me to end up right where I wanted to be.

"Yeah, I guess so. Sorry. I'll be better company tomorrow," he said, and my excitement faded a little. I was being dismissed again. He wasn't going to ask me to sleep with him. I didn't get it. What had changed from the previous night that suddenly let him sleep comfortably by himself? It didn't really matter. I knew the only way I would end up in that bed with him was if I made a good case for being there.

"You're fine, Jasper. Don't worry about it. Do you want me to . . ? I mean, Seth and Emmett aren't here and . . . ," the last words left my mouth in a nervous gush, all blending together. Anxiously, I waited for his reply.

"Um . . . Thanks for the offer. I appreciate it, but you don't have to do that. I think I'll be all right by myself tonight."

There it was. Shot down and rejected, this time outright. He'd rather be alone than to have me in there with him. I wanted to hit something or scream to let out my anger and frustration, but I knew I had to keep my temper in check. Maybe there was still a way to reason with him.

"Jasper, I'm not offering because I think I have to. I want to be there for you, as a friend, just like Emmett and Seth were. . . If you'll let me," it wasn't exactly nice or fair, playing these mind tricks on him, lying to him about my real reason for wanting to sleep with him, trying to guilt him into letting me into his bed. But with only a week until Emmett and Seth were back, I didn't have the luxury to be picky about tactics. I had to use whatever was available to get me where I needed to be.

"You said it wasn't sexual with them, right?" I prompted when he still seemed to hesitate.

"It wasn't and it's not, but... Edward, a few month ago you could barely stand to be in the same room with me. This might... well... it might be too much for you. And it's not necessary. I should be fine. It's been almost two weeks."

I could see he was trying to be polite, but it didn't make the rejection sting any less. There was only one other option. It wasn't ideal, but it would at least put me in the same room. Then, if he did have a rough night, I would be right there.

"Well, then," I looked down at the floor as I spoke, unwilling to let him see just how much this meant to me and how much his refusal hurt me, "maybe I should sleep in your room, on the floor, just in case it turns out you do need someone there."

"No, Edward," he said firmly after another moment of consideration. My heart sank, until I realized that he wasn't finished speaking. "You're not going to sleep on the floor. If you're sure you want to do this, then yes, I would be grateful. Just please, be sure," it was a heartfelt plea and it occurred to me that maybe his reasons for telling me no were not what I originally thought. Maybe he still wasn't entirely convinced that I was OK with him being gay. That, in fact, I was more than OK with it, as long as I could somehow re-gain his affections.

"I'm sure, Jasper," I told him as sincerely as I could, trying to convey my feelings through my eyes. Apparently I didn't do such a great job, because after breezily agreeing he grabbed his stuff and left to get ready for bed.

I sat down on the sofa and leaned back, closing my eyes. I didn't know how to feel about what had just happened. On the one hand, I accomplished my goal. I was going to spend the night with Jasper, in his room, in his bed. On the other hand, he didn't exactly seem excited at the prospect. But, after all, this was only our first night alone. I could afford to be a little more patient, to take more time to re-assure him and show him that I was different than the guy who shouted insults at him last November. I took a deep breath and exhaled loudly through my nose, the resulting sigh a good indication of my frustration.

"The bathroom's all yours," I heard him say as he disappeared into his room.

"Alright. Thanks," I called out and went to my room to get my stuff. I grabbed my sleep pants and T-shirt and went to the bathroom. I pissed and brushed my teeth, then took a long look in the mirror, trying to decide if I'd be able to control my urges once I got in the room. I hadn't been with anyone other than my hand in months - not since the night he left. That had actually been easier than I would have imagined it could be, since I hadn't been attracted to anyone since then either. I jacked off, sure, as a matter of necessity, since I was a healthy teenage guy, but it was never something to look forward to. Thinking about Jasper had been too painful and thinking about anyone else just didn't do it. Most of the time I just tried to keep my mind as blank as possible and get things over with quickly.

Of course, that was back when I thought he was gone for good. Things were totally different now. I was already semi-erect at the thought of spending the night next to him, and I hadn't even made it to his room. How in the hell was I going to explain getting hard while in bed with him without having to tell him everything? It would be easier to jerk myself off tonight and head off the problem before it ever arose, I thought, smirking at my word choice.

I glanced around the room to figure out the best way to get this over with quickly. I moved to stand next to the tub and started stroking, imagining that it was Jasper's hand around me. The ability to properly fantasize worked like a charm and I came quickly, spraying the tub with rivulets of jizz.

I cleaned myself up and used sponge and bathroom cleaner from under the sink to take care of the tub, before and going back to my room to drop off my clothes. Then I took one last deep breath, and walked over to Jasper's room. I went to the empty side of the bed, peeled back the covers and got in, taking Jasper's lead and lying on my back. He turned off the light and returned to his prone position, neither one of us saying a word. I thought back to his first night back, when I saw him lying much closer to Seth, the smaller man actually tucked into Jasper's body, and the green monster got a hold of me again. When I'd fantasized about spending the night in bed with him, I wasn't envisioning anything like what was actually happening.

"Is this the way you normally sleep?" I asked when I couldn't stand lying there like a corpse any longer. He replied in the negative, prompting me to ask how he did like to sleep.

"On the side. But we can both sleep however we are both comfortable," he told me.

"Well, do what you normally do, and I'll figure it out after you're done," I encouraged. I figured regardless of the side he chose to lie on, it was a win for me. We'd either be facing each other or I could get closer to him from the back. In fact, that might be preferable, not nearly as intimidating. I cheered internally when he did, in fact, turn away from me, allowing me to pull up closer behind him. I left enough of a distance between us but, eager for some physical contact, I draped my left arm over his waist.

"This OK?" I asked, just to make sure that I wasn't making him too uncomfortable with my proximity.

"Yeah," he whispered back.

I tried to just lie there quietly and keep my breathing even, but the urge to touch him, to actually feel his skin instead of just his Tee shirt, proved too overwhelming. Afraid that if I did nothing my hand would soon find its way under the bottom of his shirt and to his stomach and chest, I forced it to move upward instead, along his arm and his neck, combing my fingers through his hair. It had grown out a bit since he'd been back, but it was still much too short for my liking.

"Jas, why did you cut your hair?" I asked as I continued to play with it. It was probably a stupid question, one I really didn't want to know the answer to, but the words came out before I had a chance to think of the consequences of asking.

"James thought it got in my face and eyes too much. Why? Don't you like it this way?" His reply was innocent enough, but just as I thought, my question invited the devil right into bed with us. God, I was so stupid.

I shook my head, not wanting him to feel self-conscious about the cut, belatedly realizing that he couldn't see me. "It's not that," I told him, trying to think of how to explain the reason for my question. "It's just that I hate that you thought you had to change for him."

"I think everyone changes some things for the people we love," he reasoned. I closed my eyes against the shroud of pain that seemed to wrap itself around me. Not only did I invite the devil into the bed, I had Jasper talking about how he'd loved the son-of-a-bitch. It was the worst kind of torture imaginable, and he didn't even realize it.

"Cutting my hair didn't seem like a big deal," he continued. "I actually kind of like it, though it makes me look too young. I was thinking of letting it grow back, but maybe when I'm older I'll cut it like this again."

"You should grow it back and never cut it again. I really liked it the way you wore it before."

How was it possible that he didn't realize how I felt about him? How could he not see that all I wanted was for everything to go back to the way it was before James ever came on the scene? All I wanted was for the two of us to be together without that asshole in the shadows. Because as long as he was there, I would always have that fear, the fear that Jasper might change his mind and go back to him, that the way he felt about James would be more powerful than any logic, any friendship, any relationship he might build with me.

"Did you really love him?" I quietly asked. I wanted to ask the question in present tense, but these words were the closest I could force out. He waited a long time to answer. I didn't know if that was a good or bad sign, though I supposed I should have been glad not to receive an instant affirmation.

"I don't know," he finally replied. "I think maybe I wanted that perfect loving relationship so much that I fooled myself into thinking that he loved me and that I loved him too. Looking back now, it feels like I was under some sort of spell. Like a walking zombie. I could see and hear everything, and I knew that things were going wrong, but I couldn't do anything about it. It wasn't a good feeling. I actually really hope that wasn't love."

I came close to breathing a sigh of relief, only stopping myself at the last moment. I couldn't stand the thought that Jasper had actually loved that monster. I was glad to hear him start to re-evaluate his feelings. Maybe he was infatuated with the guy, seduced by him, entranced, whatever. Just as long as he hadn't really been in love.

I hadn't planned on spending out first night in bed together talking about James, but now that I brought him up, there were things I wanted to know. I just hoped I could ask my questions the right way, so as not to fuck up everything again.

"And when he started . . . when he hit you, you never considered leaving? You never tried calling someone for help?" There. That seemed neutral enough. At least until the silence stretched uncomfortably between us for much too long, and I started to wonder if there was anything I could do right anymore. Maybe I should have my mouth wired shut - it seemed to be the only way to ensure I didn't stick both of my feet in it.

"The first time I almost didn't believe it," Jasper finally said. "I think I actually convinced myself it didn't really happen. Then I thought he would stop. It wasn't that bad and I thought I could change things to make it stop. By the time I realized there was nothing I could do, I was embarrassed. Embarrassed of being so weak, of being so stupid. Em and Seth tried to warn me before I moved in with him and I didn't listen. And then I ignored them and my family for him, and I thought everyone would hate me. I didn't think I had anywhere to go or anyone to call. And I had few opportunities to call even if I wanted to. He was constantly watching me, monitoring my calls and e-mail. If I tried to reach out to someone and they said no and he found out . . ."

Jesus, didn't he know that he could always turn to me? That I would have protected him and done anything to keep him safe? It seemed so obvious to me, and yet as I thought about it more, I realized that he couldn't have known. The last time I spoke with him here I told him I never wanted to see him again. I even threatened to hurt him if he didn't leave. Not exactly the words and actions of a protector. James may have thrown the punches, but I was just as responsible for what happened. If I had been a better friend he might have never even met him, and if they did meet I would have seen right away . . .

"Jas, I'm so sorry," the words felt so empty, so inadequate. He flipped onto his back and turned his head to look at me.

"You don't need to be sorry, Edward. You didn't do anything wrong. I got myself into a bad situation, ignored some excellent advice and suffered the consequences. I'm just so grateful that Em and Seth and you were there when I finally broke through the haze. I couldn't have gotten away from him alone.

"And you, especially. I know how hard this has been for you. I know I'm not the person you always thought I was. I can imagine how much it hurt you to find out I'd been lying all those years, and especially those couple of times . . . And I know you disapprove of my lifestyle . . ."

It hurt. I didn't know it was possible for wards to cause physical pain but hearing Jasper excuse my inaction and take the blame on himself really twisted me up. It wasn't right. None of it had been his fault. He'd always been the kind compassionate one. Between us two, I was the one tasked with spotting and fighting the predators. And I was the one who left him alone and vulnerable. Hell, I was the one who made him vulnerable. If I had just forced myself to listen to him that day he was moving out, if I could just have gotten over my stupid injured pride, everything would have been different.

"Jas, stop," I ordered. "Stop talking like you did anything wrong. I've had a long time to think about everything, especially the way I behaved when you told me you were gay. I understand. I get why you didn't tell me sooner. I mean, you always knew, didn't you? You always suspected how I'd react and I only proved you right. And it probably would have been worse in high school. I would have made an even bigger ass of myself then. I would have played the big man on campus who couldn't possibly associate with a fairy. I would have destroyed you."

He flipped back on his side, turning away from me again. He said nothing, but I could feel the tension radiating from his body. I knew I'd just fucked up again, and I had no idea how.

"Jas? What did I do now? What did I say?" I tried to turn him back towards me by tugging on his shoulder, but he refused to budge.

"Nothing. It's nothing. I'm just tired. Can we please just go to sleep and talk about all this tomorrow?"

He was lying. I could hear it in his voice. I tried thinking back to what I'd said, but still couldn't pinpoint why any of it would have caused this reaction. But he didn't want to tell me and I couldn't force him to talk, so I would have to accept his response.

"Okay, but there's one thing you need to know tonight. I'm not that guy anymore. When I told you that it doesn't matter anymore, I meant it. If you had been around, I would have told you sooner. And one other thing," Once I started I couldn't stop talking. "I left you alone because I thought you were happy and I didn't think you wanted to see me. I wish now I hadn't assumed those things. I wish I had had the balls to seek you out and try to talk to you.

Because I would have seen it. I know I would have seen it," I knew this was true, and saying it out loud was the final straw - fat tears that had been building up ever since Jasper returned started falling from my eyes. I kept talking, hoping he wouldn't be able to tell.

"Maybe you hid it well enough from Emmett or Seth, but I would have known that something was wrong and we could have done something about it then. So I'm sorry, Jas. I told myself I was staying away from you for your own good, but it was because I was a coward. It was easier to assume you would reject my apologies than to actually hear the rejection. I was an idiot and I failed you once again."

I lowered my head and curled up into myself, tears streaming down my face onto the pillow. I just hoped Jasper hadn't heard the break in my voice. I never wanted him to see me this weak and vulnerable.

Of course, I should have known my hopes were useless. Jasper had always been sensitive to my moods. Soon he was turning over, calling to me and reaching for my hand. He said "Hey" again, louder, and when I still didn't respond he moved his hand to my chin, tugging at it to make me look at him. I stubbornly resisted, even though by now he must have felt the wetness on my face and must have known exactly what was happening.

"Edward," His hard tone penetrated my depression. "You were just telling me how much you regretted being a coward before, so stop being a coward now and look at me. Please?" The authority dropped from his voice in the last word, replaced by a soft plea. I couldn't deny him. Besides, he was right. I was behaving like a coward. I'd been behaving that way all winter long. I lifted my head, feeling his fingers return to my chin to hold it in place as his eyes met mine.

"Listen to me, please," he implored. "We have no idea what could or would have happened if we'd done things differently. We both messed up in some ways and we can't know if a change in any one decision would have made things better or worse. Maybe if you had come to me earlier I would have rejected that apology? We can't know. We can't change the past.

"We can talk about all this tomorrow. We should talk about it, get everything out in the open so that we can start again. But for now, tonight, you can't keep blaming yourself for things you aren't responsible for, OK?"

I stared at him, knowing he wanted me to agree but unable to do so honestly, and not wanting to lie to him. I knew he was disappointed, but how could he possible expect me to just let it go, when my actions and inactions led to all his pain and injuries? Clearly dissatisfied, he started talking again.

"Unless you really want me to keep thinking about who's to blame and you want to remind me about how dumb I was to call up a stranger who had groped me the first time we met, and then slept with him within hours of seeing him again, and then moved in with him after seeing him for only three weeks, and then did nothing when he started beating me . . ."

"Enough," I snarled. I couldn't listen to him blaming himself for what happened, and I really couldn't stand to hear how his relationship with James evolved. Why the fuck would he call a man who tried to molest him from the moment they met, before they even knew each other? And how could he have slept with James after only . . .

"Yeah, I agree," Jasper said, interrupting my thoughts. "Tell you what, I'll stop if you will? Deal?"

"Deal," I agreed only to make him stop.

"Good," he sounded relieved. "Because I won't be able to keep my eyes open much longer. Goodnight, Edward. Thanks for being here with me. I promise we'll talk tomorrow, for as long as you want."

He raised his head, leaned in and kissed me on the cheek before flipping over to his previous position, laying on the side, facing away from me. For a moment I was too stunned to do anything. I knew I couldn't follow the one impulse I had, which was to raise my hand to the spot he had kissed, like some lovesick teenage girl. I wanted and needed to return the affectionate gesture, but now that he had turned away I couldn't very well kiss him back. There had to be something I could do, some way I could actually touch him without making things too weird and awkward. And suddenly I had it! I pulled my hand and somewhat gently smacked his ass, saying "Goodnight, Whitlock," at the same time.

I was pretty pleased with myself, all the more so when I heard him laughing and when he grabbed the hand I once again placed over his waist. I listened to his breathing slow and marveled at how he could fall asleep almost immediately. I was too excited to sleep. Once I was sure he was out completely, I shifted my body closer to him and used my arm to pull him into my chest. I figured my time in the bathroom earlier would help me avoid any embarrassing moments and if he woke up and questioned our proximity I'd just make up some excuse about being cold or play stupid, like we'd just moved closer together during the night while we were both asleep. Lying next to him, I moved my head closer to his and buried my nose in his hair, deeply inhaling the familiar scent. I grinned like an idiot, feeling all the pieces falling into place. Having him next to me, feeling his warmth, touching him, smelling him, I finally felt at peace. I closed my eyes and drifted off, still with the wide smile on my face.

I woke up slightly disoriented, feeling something slipping out of my fingers. Instinctively I tightened my grasp to hold onto whatever it was. A moment later I recognized that it was a hand, and memories of falling asleep holding Jasper came flooding back. Obviously some time during the night our positions reversed and he was now holding me, though clearly trying to change that status without waking me. Not willing to let him go, I pretended to still be asleep, wiggling back into his chest. I could feel pressure against my ass cheek, and knew it was Jasper's morning hard on. A few months ago I would have been repulsed by this, would have moved away and jumped out of bed screaming about being molested, but it was all different now and it felt too damn good for me to worry about how I should act. As long as I pretended to be asleep, no one would ever know that my actions were deliberate.

Of course, pretending to be asleep had its disadvantages. I was hard as well, for one, and being this close to him would do nothing to change that status. I also couldn't move, no matter how much I wanted to press myself back against him. Worst of all, I could do nothing about the need to relieve myself, which was getting more desperate by the second. I wondered how the hell Jasper could stand it. I was determined to last as long as he could, but I knew I was rapidly running out of time and resolve. Finally, just as I was about to fake waking up, I heard him inhale and jerk his hand out of my grasp, rolling away as he did so. I smiled, wondering if he really thought he could do that without waking me. I decided that there was no way in hell he could have ever believed that, which was the reason for rolling away. He hadn't wanted me to know he'd been holding me through the night. I hoped his reason was only the fear of my potential reaction, and not that he hated actually doing it.

"What the fuck?" I said quietly, realizing that I'd already waited too long before reacting to his abrupt withdrawal. I stayed on my side for a few more moments, then rolled over and placed my hand over his shoulder blade, asking, "Jasper? Are you all right?"

"I'm fine, Edward, good morning. Did you sleep OK?" he asked as he turned his torso towards me. It was all I could do not to smirk, knowing precisely what he was trying to hide. Then it occurred to me that being fully turned towards him, I would have a similar problem if he directed his eyes downward, and I panicked slightly. I figured the best way to keep him from looking around was to keep the conversation going.

"Yeah, I did. Really well, in fact. Best night's sleep in a long while. You?"

"Yeah. It really was for me too. I guess finals had been stressing us out more than we realized."

"Right," I agreed, though as hard as I studied all term, finals were hardly stressful for me this time. Being around him and trying to watch everything I said and did while dealing with his two self-appointed body guards had been much more stressful. Not to mention watching him fall into bouts of melancholy or wince in pain when he thought no one was looking.

"So, do you want the bathroom first?" I asked, figuring it would be easier for both of us if he got out of bed first.

"Sure, I guess."

I watched as he walked to his dresser, taking out his clothes for the day and a towel. He kept his back to me the entire time, even as he left the room, but he did look over his shoulder to tell me he'd see me soon. I liked the fact that he didn't leave the room without saying something to me. It mirrored the way I felt too. Every time I left the room or the apartment without him, I looked for that little bit of reassurance that the parting would only be temporary, that we would never have to go through a lengthy separation again. It was a small comfort, but it was still something. And knowing that he needed it too, reassured me even more.

Not eager to leave his bed or his room, I flipped forward to lay on my stomach on his side of the bed, my head and nose buried in his pillow. I still loved his scent, and when I couldn't get it directly from him, the way I did as we were falling asleep last night, this was the next best thing. There'd been a few times over the past couple of weeks when I snuck in here to do just this while Jasper and the other guys were gone. Now that Jasper agreed to let me sleep here with him, that would no longer be necessary. I took one last deep breath and got out of bed myself, heading to my room to get out my clothes so I would be ready to step into the bathroom when he was done.

When Jasper and I switched places I took my time getting ready. To be precise, I took my time in the shower, now that I had actual memories of spending the night and waking up with Jasper to fuel my fantasies. Afterwards I stood under the shower spray, letting the water rinse away evidence of my activity, as I imagined someday conserving water by having Jasper in the shower with me. Yes, water conservation was a motive too, albeit not the primary one.

As we ate breakfast we recapped our finals week. Unlike the previous term, I was actually confident that I'd done well in all of my classes. I'd known the material forwards and backwards, and there had been no surprises on the final tests, nothing to make me question the certainty of my success. Jasper was more nervous. In addition to all the other sick shit he did, James had apparently monopolized Jasper's time and terrorized Jasper enough to distract him from his studies. So while Jas attended every lecture and had decent notes to rely on, he hadn't been able to complete all the reading throughout the term and really had to cram the last two weeks. I didn't tell him, because I didn't want to trivialize his fears, but I knew he would do well anyway. Jasper was practically a genius, and I knew he could and had absorbed a lot of the material during those study sessions. Plus he had always known how to take tests and had done well in just about every subject without the need to spend a ton of time studying. I understood why he was worried, but deep down I knew it would turn out all right.

When we finished talking about finals we compared our schedules for the next term. I couldn't believe it. We were taking practically all the same classes, and yet managed to sign up for all different sessions so that we didn't have a single class together. It was fate sticking another knife in my back - a pretty fucking unbelievable and inconvenient coincidence. After living without him for more than a term, all I wanted was to spend as much time with him as possible. And I wasn't about to let some stupid, computer generated schedule get in the way of that. I might not have the same type of connections here that I had with the registrars in the Forks schools, but I would figure out a way to change our schedules to better meet my needs.

After we finished breakfast we cleaned up and then, by silent accord, moved to the living room to have the talk Jasper promised the previous night. I was nervous with both anticipation and dread. I knew we had to talk about what happened, but I worried about the emotions that would provoke. What if, in remembering everything that happened, Jasper discovered that he hated me after all? What if he decided my apologies had not been enough? And what if there was nothing I could do or say to change his mind? I hid my fear of these possibilities as best I could, hoping for the best and knowing that regardless of how I felt, I not only owed it to him to hear him out, I also needed to know these things for myself.

"I don't really know where to start," he said, and I could tell he was nervous too. Strangely, his nervousness helped to calm mine.

"Well, why not start at the beginning?" I encouraged. "When did you figure out you were gay?"

He took a deep breath and started talking.

"I knew there was something different about me pretty much at the start of high school. You were dating all the girls and tried to set me up with some, and I never could get into that. Some of them were nice enough to see a movie with or to talk to, but then they expected more and the physical stuff was just awkward. I kissed them and I felt nothing. Now, I knew that I wasn't supposed to feel love or anything like that, but I didn't even feel a desire to go further, like the rest of you guys clearly did. The thought of getting these girls naked was repulsive and terrifying, and not at all exciting. I listened to all you guys talk about the girls and I wondered why I didn't feel the same as you all did. I thought maybe I was just out with the wrong girls, not willing to admit that I could not think of a single girl who would be right. I couldn't admit yet, or even let myself notice, that I certainly was starting to experience some feelings of excitement, but they always seemed to happen around gym class. I really started to wonder if maybe I had some water fetish," we both laughed at that and he became more relaxed, changing his position on the sofa by folding his left leg and tucking it behind his right knee. I didn't react visibly, but inside I was cheering. After all these years, I knew Jasper only ever sat like that when he was comfortable and settling in.

"Anyway, that first term we didn't have same gym class by coincidence, but from then on I made sure we never had gym class together. I thought if I ever embarrassed myself by getting a boner in the shower or the locker room, it would be horrifying enough without my best friend around to see it."

I nodded. "Well, that's one mystery solved," I added. "I could never figure out why our gym classes never matched up, in all 4 years of school. I should have known it was your doing."

"I had no choice," he explained, "especially after we went to La Push at the end of our Freshman year and I saw you. . . guys in your wet swim trunks. Do you remember? I had to lie on my stomach for more than half an hour. All you guys were getting pissed at me when I wouldn't go into the water, but I knew if I got up everyone would see . . ."

"I finally figured out that's what it was and got the guys to stop giving you shit, but I thought it was those hot La Push girls that got you in a state," I recalled, smiling at the memory.

"Nope," he shook his head. "To be honest, I didn't even notice there were girls there on the beach with us.

"Anyway," he continued, "At the start of Sophomore year the signs were becoming more and more obvious. It was pretty clear that girls did nothing for me, even the girls I saw over the summer in New York, which blew my 'I just don't like Forks girls' theory out of the water. I noticed I would get far more excited about the regular issues of Sports Illustrated than the swimsuit issue. I found some booklets in the school library, so I started reading. I couldn't check them out, of course, but I snuck into the stacks during study hall and after school sometimes."

His words triggered a memory. I actually caught him in the stacks once with some thin little book that he was all embarrassed about and hid behind his back. He seemed so scared, I took pity on him and let him get away without answering my questions. Later I'd gone back into the stacks and realized he'd been in the sex section. I figured he was just looking at some girl anatomy diagrams or some shit like that, since I knew he wasn't getting any real life experience, so I laughed it off and forgot about it until he brought it up.

"So by the end of Sophomore year I pretty much knew I was gay, and I knew there was nothing I could do about it except not let anyone know. I never heard anyone in Forks talk about a homosexual guy with anything other than contempt, so there was no question of coming out. There were no benefits - it's not like anyone else in school or even in town was gay. Well," he corrected himself, "there probably are people in town who are gay. I suppose it would be a near statistical impossibility if there weren't, but they sure as hell hide it as well as I did.

"Coming back Junior year was hard. Everyone was dating by then and I was running out of excuses. The only thing I had going for me was that you'd already been with practically every girl in Forks, so I hung on for dear life to that no sloppy seconds reasoning. But it was wearing thin and I knew you were getting frustrated with me. And then Bella came along. I hated that bitch from the start, but the one thing she did for me was to distract you from my love life. After you started dating her you didn't care anymore who I went out with or if I went out. And if you didn't bother me about it, everyone else knew not to, so that made things easier.

"The summer after Junior year I met Peter," Jasper's tone of voice stayed just as matter-of-fact as it had been before, but I still felt my stomach clench at the mere mention of his friend's name. I had a bad feeling I was not going to like this part of the story.

"At first we were just friends. We liked to do the same things and neither of us knew anyone else in New York, so it made sense to hang out. Then, one day, he grabbed my hand on our way to a concert and didn't let go, and on the way back he kissed me, and," he paused suddenly and looked at me carefully, as if evaluating just how much information I could handle. "Well, it just confirmed everything I already knew."

"So the two of you were together that summer?" It took every ounce of strength I had to keep that question sounding neutral. He gave me another long look, still evaluating what was and was not safe to tell me.

"I wouldn't say that, exactly. We were friends and we did things that were beyond things most friends did, but it was more for practice, you know? I had no idea what I was doing and Peter knew a little more, but not much, so we were just helping each other figure things out, how it all worked."

"Was he the first guy you. . .?" I couldn't finish the sentence and felt badly for asking. Much as I wanted to know, it was none of my business. Still, I felt relived again when he shook his head in answer.

"We went as far as trading blow jobs, but that was all. And then I came back to Forks and you know what happened most of that year."

I closed my eyes and scenes from our Senior year flashed before my eyes. All the times I acted like a complete asshole, casting him out of our group, nearly hitting him when I found out he wasn't going on spring break with us, attacking his friend and injuring him in the process, practically forcing him to be with Lauren . . . I never realized how much he must have cared about me to forgive me for all that. And he didn't have to. Unlike all those other parasites in our high school, he never really needed me. He'd proved that when he got along just fine in the beginning of Senior year, when my plan to show him how he'd be miserable without me backfired big time. When he forgave me, it wasn't out of necessity or because he was angling to get some benefit out of it for himself. He forgave me because, despite all the crap I threw his way, he was my friend. The thought actually brought tears to my eyes, so I quickly looked down and ran my thumb and index finger over the bottom of my closed eyelids to gather up the tears and rub them away as I pinched the bridge of my nose. Hopefully that had been subtle enough not to show him what was really going on.

"Then my dad took me to Europe and I already kind of told you about what happened there, though admittedly I didn't tell you all the relevant details. In London I met Greg at the TV studio where my dad was being interviewed and he invited me to go out to a pub with his friends. I thought he was just being nice, so I went. I had no idea he was gay or that he realized I was gay, so when I finally caught on, it was awkward. But then he had this friend, Rick, who'd just broken up with his boyfriend and I guess he was horny or something. Rick convinced me to go clubbing and then took me to the back of the club and . . . yeah, that was unexpected. It's not like I went out looking to hook up with a stranger, you know? It just kind of happened. Like with you and the girls you bring home, only we never got out of the club."

I worked hard to keep my face impassive. He seemed so defensive and I didn't want him to think I was judging his lifestyle again. The truth was, as he pointed out, I had no leg to stand on to criticize anyone for promiscuity or casual sex. And Jasper was a guy with the same needs as any guy our age. I was jealous, plain and simple, but had no right to be, so I couldn't show it. I saw Jasper was watching me for a reaction, and he seemed pleased when I said nothing and just waited for him to continue.

"After London we went to Paris and, again, completely by accident, I met Laurent. We just happened to be in the same cafe one morning and he was sketching. We started talking and he asked if he could sketch me later, so we met again and then went out for dinner and then went back to his apartment. He was good looking and older and experienced and kind," he paused for a moment, clearly reminiscing.

I swallowed hard, hoping he didn't notice. I knew this was the guy Jasper lost his virginity with, and as jealous as I was of blow job Rick, this was so much worse. It was so stupid, of course. It wouldn't have been a big deal at all if he'd lost it with a girl. But knowing that it happened so recently, and with another guy, and that if he had stayed in Forks that summer instead of going to Europe it could have so easily been me . . . But no, it was wrong to think that way. That would have never happened in Forks. I would have never allowed myself to go that far there. Hell, I still wasn't sure I could allow myself to go that far here. Still, if he could have waited a few months . . . But what did it matter, anyway? I certainly wasn't a virgin. It matters, because he's been with a good, experienced lover, and you have no clue what to do with a guy. What if you just don't measure up? What if you aren't any good and don't satisfy him?

I forced myself to stop thinking about it, focusing instead on how glad I was that James hadn't been his first. No matter how satisfying it might have been to be compared to no one other than the sadistic creep, I was glad that Jasper's first experience had been unmarred. That was more important than my ego.

"I spent most of my time in Paris with Laurent," Jasper went on with his story, "either in his studio or exploring the city. It was one of those once in a lifetime things they make foreign movies about, right? A fluke? Two people of different backgrounds who meet and are together briefly before their lives take diverging paths, never to see each other again. It was lovely, though, for what it was.

"And then I came back to Seattle and met Emmett and Seth, and they really helped me out. Other than Peter, I'd never had gay friends. I didn't know anything about being gay other than what I saw on TV and in movies. Emmett & Seth, especially Emmett, taught me a ton. Not sexually," I saw that he wanted to be clear on that point. "just on a personal level. And more than that, it was just good to be friends with guys who understood and felt the same way I did. I stopped feeling so alone, so afraid of being found out all the time. When I was with them I could be myself."

I'd thought my heart had hurt before, when he left, when I saw him with James, when Emmett brought him back all beaten down, but this hurt worse than anything. He had been my friend, through everything. No matter what stupid stunts I pulled, no matter how much I hurt him, he had stayed my friend. I'd always told him everything, at least until I started having feelings that I didn't want to think about or explain, even to myself. I'd always assumed the same was true for him, but it hadn't been. He'd never been able to tell me the most important thing about himself and, as a result, even when he was with me he always felt alone. I knew very well what that felt like - the hell I went through that last summer without him, or worse, when he left in November and I thought he would never come back. But he'd felt like that way all along. So why had he stayed friends with me? Why didn't he just tell me to go to hell when I showed up at his house the fall of our Senior year and told him he was back in with the group. It had to be that he felt more for me than just friendship. It had to be that he wasn't lying in November when he told me he loved me. And yet he'd said nothing about that as he recounted his story, maybe because after everything I did he had changed his mind. Whatever it was that he felt for me back then wasn't there any more.

"Emmett tried to talk me into coming out, but I didn't think you could handle it. I thought if I could just hold on until the end of the year, maybe you'd find a girl you wanted to be with, live with even, and then I would find a different roommate and . . ." he hung his head, then looked back up. "I didn't want to lose your friendship, Edward. I thought I could keep this secret from you forever somehow. Looking back now, I was stupid. Of course sooner or later you would find out. But at the time my worst fear was just losing my best friend.

"I tried to stay and not do anything that would give me away, but then we went to Forks for Thanksgiving and we went to that playground and drank and . . . I don't know why I let what happened that night happen. It was wrong. I shouldn't have even offered what I did, knowing that you thought I was straight. Everything would have been so much easier if I'd just kept my mouth shut. But I didn't, and I asked if you wanted . . . And then on the way back to Seattle you were so distant. I thought for sure you had figured it out and that you were just working your way to kicking me out of the apartment."

I stared at him. He had been so wrong. And yet, I got why. I totally understood how he could have misinterpreted my actions. And then I just reinforced it all for him when we came back here. I couldn't bring myself to say anything. I just waited for him to continue, knowing he had to get it all out and I had to listen, no matter how painful it was for me.

"That Monday night, when you came home with Alice," he went on, "I'd really wanted to talk to you, alone. But of course you had different plans, and you needed me to go along with them, and I really tried. I knew it was important to you, so I really tried. But it was too much. She . . . well, to be fair, I don't think any girl would have exactly turned me on, but she really turned me off in the worst sort of way. And you saw . . . I just couldn't. I went to Em because I knew he'd understand. I didn't realize you'd be worried about me, or else I would have called you to tell you where I was. But then you showed up at the door and you were so mean and insulting to him, and I couldn't just stand there and say nothing. So I told you right then and there."

I thought about that Monday night, how proud of myself I was when I stumbled onto the plan to bring Alice home with me, how convinced I'd been that she was the solution to all my problems. How ironic that the woman I thought would bring Jasper and me closer together, ended up driving us apart. Only that wasn't fair. She didn't drive us apart. My blindness and stupidity and scheming was what drove us apart. If only I could have brought myself to tell him the truth, to talk to him instead of trying to control the situation, hell, if only I had come home alone that night and just listened to what he had to say, everything might have turned out so differently.

"I wish I hadn't done that, Edward," oblivious to my thoughts, Jasper went on. "I keep thinking if I had waited to tell you in private, at a time when our emotions hadn't already been rubbed too raw, maybe it would have been different. But once I told you I couldn't take it back and then you didn't want to have anything to do with me. And that hurt. I understood it and expected it, but I was still angry and hurt that you were just able to toss our friendship aside like it didn't matter, because I wasn't attracted sexually to the same gender of people you were."

God, I hated hearing all this. The truth really did hurt, like a motherfucker. At the time I had my reasons to do what I did and I thought they all made sense, but looking at it from his side now, with a little time and perspective, I could understand how he saw it as well. And then came the worst hit of all. Jasper telling me how much he missed me and our friendship. I couldn't ever find the words to describe how much it hurt to know that we both felt exactly the same way, and yet weren't able to find the right time and words to tell each other until now.

I couldn't go back in time and change things. I couldn't take back the things I said and did. All I could do was apologize and explain, so that's what I did. I told him how I felt when I found him at Emmett's apartment, when I realized that he told Emmett things he hadn't ever shared with me, and that he'd told Emmett about Alice. I told him how awful and perverted I felt when I realized I had forced him to do things with Alice and Lauren that he would never ordinarily want to do, and how, in order to make myself feel better, I blamed him for not telling me sooner, even though the truth was that what I did would have been horrible and wrong even if he had been as straight as an arrow. I asked for his forgiveness , but I couldn't even do that right, my damn filter malfunctioning again and the word "queer" tumbling from my lips like poison, making him grimace with pain. I apologized again and corrected myself, all the while wondering how many times he would be willing to overlook the slips of the tongue and the hateful things I still couldn't seem to stop myself from saying.

Of course, this was Jasper, and just as I hadn't seemed to be able to change, he didn't either. Instead of getting angry with me, he must have sensed my distress and placed his hand over mine to calm me.

"Edward, just for the record, gay is fine. Queer is OK too, at least for me. And the other stuff, well, maybe it's not OK, but I'll understand if you slip. All right? I know it's hard, changing the way you think about these things. It was hard for me when I figured it out. Like you, I always thought being a fag was bad, until I'd realized that I was gay. And even then, for a while, I tried to change, because I didn't want to be that. I wanted to be like you and all the other guys in school. I hated being different. Eventually, slowly, I came to terms with it, but I know how hard it is, and I am gay. No one expects you to become a different person overnight."

His understanding should have made things better, but it only made me feel worse. He'd already gone through enough, without me piling on more crap. And it only got worse as he continued, taking more blame on himself.

"You know, I don't blame you for feeling betrayed," he continued. "I did lie to you. I thought I had good reasons, they may even have actually been good reasons, but it doesn't change the fact that I was dishonest. I do wish I had handled things differently. Maybe told you before you graduated, so you could get another roommate if you wanted, or right when I came back in the fall. . ."

"No," I interrupted. "I'm glad you didn't tell me. Because I probably would have gotten a different roommate, and regretted it. Look, I may be a grade A idiot and asshole, and I may have royally fucked this all up, but I'm glad we decided to live together. I'd never want another roommate. Like I said, if you hadn't moved away, if I had seen you sooner, I think this would have been resolved sooner as well."

I saw another grimace on his face. He never was very good at keeping his reactions hidden. I hated knowing that I was still hurting him, but at least I was being honest. I would tell him everything today, get the worst stuff all out at once, so that we could deal with it and get past it. It was better than drawing out the process. I just had to force myself to keep going.

"When you moved out, I kept thinking about everything. It was all I could think about. I was hurt, yes, but I was angry and jealous too, because you'd just moved on to other friends, like our friendship didn't mean anything to you," It felt strange, revealing my feelings and making myself vulnerable, but it was exactly what he had done, and I could do no less. "I'd see you here and on campus and you'd be with one of them, happy. And I was here, all alone, miserable. And at first I didn't understand how that had been my choice. Again, I blamed you. I convinced myself that if you could move on so quickly it meant that our friendship didn't mean anything to you. I didn't realize until later that everything I did pushed you away."

"It was hard for me, too," He confessed. "But I couldn't show it. Em and Seth had taken me in and I couldn't repay them for that by being constantly miserable, even though that's how I felt inside. Then, New Year's Eve, I made a resolution to try to move on. And when I came back I started dating, but nothing was working out. And then I decided to call James, not realizing that I'd just released an avalanche that almost buried me."

Shit. Now I really had to make a call. In order to be completely honest I would have to tell him how I'd watched him go on all those dates with all the boys, how I had seen his first meeting with James. But I realized I could not be that honest. He really did not need to know all that. It would have to be enough for me to talk about the one time I'd seen him that he did know about.

"When I saw you with him in the hallway," I said, "it must have been still early in your relationship, but you looked happy. Really happy. Maybe the happiest I'd ever seen you. And that's all I saw. I guess at that point he hadn't started yet?"

He shook his head and, as if reading my mind, tried to assure me that Seth and Emmett didn't see anything wrong with James that night either.

"But they warned you not to be with him anyway? So somehow they must have known something."

"They were uneasy because he was monopolizing my time and keeping me away from them. They thought we were moving too fast. They were right, but it was just a gut feeling, not actual knowledge of anything. Please, Edward, stop thinking about this. You couldn't have known. There was nothing you could have done."

I remained silent, knowing that he was dead wrong. There was so much I could have done, starting with keeping an eye on him instead of giving in to my self-pity. Never mind that even that would not have been necessary if only I'd had the balls to ignore the fucking midget at the airport and demand to talk to Jasper right when he came back from New York. So many mistakes, all fueled by my cowardice and ignorance. I shook my head and let it hang until Jasper's hand on my shoulder caused me to look back up at him.

"Edward, I know there are a lot of things that we could have done differently, better, but I really want to move on, OK? So I forgive you for not being more understanding and . . . well, for everything. I just want us to start from scratch. And I'd like you to forgive yourself too, all right? Things happened. We both said and did things we're not proud of today. But we made it, right? We're here, together, like we used to be. Maybe we need to fix some things still, maybe some of them will take a while, but we'll work them out together.

"So what do you say? I forgive you. Can you forgive me? Can we officially bury this stuff here, today, and start over?"

I stared at him, knowing that he meant every word he said, that he really was ready to forgive everything I'd done. I knew damn well I didn't deserve that, didn't deserve him, but I was smart enough to know better than to question his generosity. I reached out for him and pulled him into my arms, hugging him tightly.

"Of course I forgive you, Jas. And I'll try to forgive myself, though that's much more difficult. But yes, I want to start over. I need my best friend back."

"Me too, Edward. I've really missed you."

"I missed you too."

I started crying. I wanted to be more manly, stoic, but the emotions were just too overwhelming. My only saving grace was that I felt Jasper was doing the same thing. And deep down inside I knew this was right too. We both needed to cry, to let all the pain we'd been holding onto go and start fresh.

I don't know how long we held each other like that. Eventually our crying slowed and he pulled away. I wiped my eyes on the sleeve of my shirt and he followed my lead. We started to laugh at the same time, realizing how childish we were acting. One by one we went to the bathroom to wash up. As I splashed cold water over my eyes and face, I reflected on how lucky I was to be given this second chance. We'd put the past behind us and now I just had to work on re-building our friendship into what it had been before, and more.

When I was done, we prepared lunch together. As we ate, I asked him what he wanted to do in the afternoon. While I'd made plans for the remainder of spring break, I left this day open, not knowing how much time we'd need to talk through all our issues. I had not anticipated us getting everything out in the open and resolved in just a few hours. I certainly wasn't complaining. In fact, seeing how easily Jasper forgave all the horrible things I'd done gave me a lot of hope that I hadn't managed to completely destroy the foundation of our friendship. But it did mean that we would somehow have to fill in the time I hadn't accounted for.

Fortunately, Jasper had the perfect idea, noting how nice it would be just to stay in and rest, maybe play games like we used to when we were younger. We could have played any number of games on the various video game consoles, but Jasper's suggestion made me think of something else. I went to my room and rummaged until I found a backgammon board I'd brought with me from Forks on a whim. I had fond memories of playing countless games with Jasper when we were younger, after we learned the hard way that he simply did not enjoy sports as much as I did. I knew I made the right call as his eye lit up when he saw the board.

Playing backgammon with Jasper felt like going back in time. It took us a little while to remember how to play and all our typical strategies. Well, Jasper had strategies. He played each move according to some predetermined order. I, on the other hand, was too impatient. I liked to take risks. Sometimes they paid off and sometimes they resulted in spectacularly embarrassing losses, but it made our games more unpredictable and more fun. As we played we talked about old times, each of us bringing up stories the other forgot. It was absolutely the perfect way to bond and re-connect, and we didn't stop playing until our stomachs were rumbling again with hunger.

We ate leftover pizza for dinner and watched movies in a repeat of the previous night's activities. Having slept in, we stayed up long enough to see a couple of movies, but then Jasper got tired, so we decided to go to bed. This time there was no discussion about who would sleep where. We simply changed into our sleep clothes and took care of our evening toilet before retiring to Jasper's room. We didn't have to take a lot of time to situate ourselves either. Jasper automatically turned to his side and I conformed myself around him, my arm draped over his waist.

"Thank you for today, Edward," Jasper said after a few silent minutes.

"I should be the one thanking you, Jas. Not many people would be as willing to forgive the things I did."

He shook his head.

"We're done talking about that," he said. "I wanted to thank you for a good fresh start. I'm sure there were things you would have preferred doing today instead of staying in with me all day. You've been cooped up with me for weeks. We don't have to do that again tomorrow. We can go out and do something you want to do."

"I like spending time with you, no matter what we're doing. I've missed it. But okay, tomorrow we can go out to do something. I actually do have some ideas. Nothing too strenuous, though," I assured.

"Okay," he said through a yawn. "I'm sure whatever you have planned will be fun. Good night, Edward," he reached for and squeezed my hand.

"Good night, Jas. Sleep well," I squeezed his hand back.

Just like the previous night, he fell asleep first, something I actually appreciated, as it gave me a chance to enjoy the closeness without being self-conscious. More had been accomplished in one day than I had dared to hope, but I knew we still had a long way to go. His forgiveness was only the half of it, and arguably the easier half. He might be able and willing to forgive what I did, but would he be able to forget and to believe that I'd changed? My job for the rest of the week was to convince him of exactly that.