Chapter 21

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Chapter 21: There's a Time and Place for Most Things

When I finally got home at the end of the weekend, I told the girls that Cliff and I exchanged ‘I love you’s. Rose just smiled as if she'd known in advance not only that it would happen, but when. Maggie was more jubilant, trying to hug me despite her now very full and bulging belly.

"That's wonderful, Edward! You know we love Cliff. You are both so good for each other! Ooof," she huffed and grabbed her stomach, her eyes bugging out in surprise and pain. Rosalie was instantly at her side, supporting her, concern etching her features.

"What's the matter?" she asked tersely, walking Maggie over to the sofa. I followed, just as concerned.

"Nothing," Maggie said calmly, though she allowed herself to be led and sat down heavily. "It's nothing. The baby just must be excited about the news too. That was quite a kick."

Rose and I sat on either side of my sister and looked at her stomach. It was distended and uneven, a small curvature clearly visible on the left side. Maggie rubbed the curved protrusion affectionately. "I just love his little bubble butt," she said. "Calm down, sweetie. You'll have plenty of chances to celebrate after you come out."

As strange as the whole pregnancy thing was to me, I had to admit my favorite part was watching the baby move around inside Maggie. At this point in her pregnancy you would actually see it shifting and, on occasion, even kicking, the little limbs poking out from under the skin like some alien life form. Fortunately, Maggie didn't mind her belly being used as a make-shift tactile television. Tactile, because I found that as cool as it was to see the baby kicking, it was even better to feel it.

Wasting no time after telling the girls, I headed down the hall. I knew the news would get to the guys soon one way or another, so I figured I might as well be the one to deliver it. Not surprisingly, Seth's response was measured. He said he was happy that things were working out so well for Cliff and me, and that we seemed to be on the same page in our relationship, but I could tell his heart wasn't in it. Then again, Seth had never been a huge advocate for love. Emmett was more enthusiastic, though not as much as I might have hoped. I chalked it up to his missing Christopher, who still hadn't settled down enough to establish anything resembling a normal calling routine. I could tell the long distance relationship was really taking its toll on Emmett, and I half hoped Christopher would break it off without even coming out for Columbus Day. Painful as that would be for Emmett, at least he would be able to move on. As it was, all Seth and I could do was watch Emmett be miserable, and do what little we could to cheer him up, as infrequently as he would let us.

After spending the whole summer apart and then declaring our love for one another, Cliff could hardly return to the weekend night only routine. I was right back at his place Monday night after I left the park boys, and then Tuesday, and Wednesday, and by Thursday he emptied some dresser drawers and made room in his closet, suggesting that I move some clothes over to his place so I wouldn't have to make a mad dash home weekday mornings to change for class, or permanently carry an overnight bag in my trunk. That Saturday he cooked us a beautiful meal and told me he needed to ask me a question. He sounded so serious, I was more than a little nervous and concerned. And, as it turned out, with good reason.

"Edward, I know I mentioned the drawer and some closet space the other day, but I've been thinking. You and I get along great, we love each other, we spend all of our free time together, it makes no sense for us to live apart. It would be so much easier for you if you moved in here, with me. I know this is just a single bedroom apartment, but I can make room for your things. And this way Rose and Maggie can use your room as a nursery for the baby. It would work out for everyone."

"Um," I had no idea what to say. I gulped down some wine to stall for time, but that only bought me a few seconds. "That's... Wow, Cliff. That's kind of a big step, isn't it? And kind of fast. I mean, it took several months to go from toothbrush and sleep pants to a drawer, and now we're going from drawer to moving in, in less than 2 days."

He picked up his wine glass and took a sip, clearly trying to hide his disappointment. I felt horrible.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to rush you."

"No, I know you didn't. Look, you just caught me off guard, that's all. I guess I just haven't really considered changing out living arrangements. I should speak to the girls. I mean, somehow we'd have to work out the rent."

"You don't have to change anything with that. You certainly don't have to pay me rent. You can just keep helping them with their rent but live here with me."

I took another sip of wine, then set down my glass and ran my fingers through my hair, leaving the hand on the back of my neck, massaging lightly. In my head I was trying to figure out where the reluctance was coming from. On paper, it made all the sense in the world for me to move in with Cliff. We spent most of our time together anyway, and the girls sure could use the extra room. And yet there was something, something nagging me in the back of my head, preventing me from acquiescing outright.

"Let me think about it, Cliff, okay? I won't take long. Just a couple of days."

"Sure," he nodded. "Of course." And then he smiled. "Just do me a favor and don't over think it. Oh, wait, you probably already did."

I grinned and looked down at my plate. He could read me like a book. Like a very simple children's book. And he was almost always right in his interpretation, this being no exception. Thankfully, he was also patient, and he always gave me space. Which was precisely why my reluctance to move in was so puzzling. But I knew in order to make it work I would have to reconcile this in my head first, and I was fairly sure he knew it too. So instead of dwelling on the question and my non-answer, we moved on to finish our dinner, and then followed our plans for the evening and weekend as though nothing had happened.

I went back to my apartment Sunday night hoping to speak with Maggie and Rose, knowing that they'd help me resolve at least some of the questions and doubts that were spinning in my head, but I found Maggie in bed with a headache and Rose too concerned and preoccupied to pay much attention to me.

"She's been off, lately," Rosalie told me over the steaming mugs of tea I prepared to help her calm down. "Something is different. She's too tired and she's got too much swelling, and now the headaches."

"Rose," I tried to placate her, "I'm sure it's just the pregnancy. I'm sure every woman is uncomfortable this late in the term."

"Maybe," Rose acknowledged, but I could see she wasn't really buying it.

"Would it make you feel better if she went to the doctor?" I asked.

She looked at me sharply, noting my choice of words. Then her face softened. "Yes, it would make me feel better, give me the peace of mind. But she won't do it. She says I'm being silly and she'd feel foolish going to the doctor at the end of her last trimester because of some swelling and a headache."

"I bet if you and I both talk to her, we can convince her to go," I offered. Rose considered me carefully.

"You probably could talk her into going," she reluctantly agreed. "You haven't yet gotten on her last nerve by nagging and coddling her. She might listen to you."

I spoke to Maggie the next morning and, while she didn't make it easy on me, I finally managed to get her to make an appointment with the doctor for that afternoon. We called Rose to make sure she was able to take time off to go with Mags, since I would be in class and it was more important for her to be there, anyway. I didn't think much of it after that, since the whole thing seemed so routine, but as soon as I got home after my classes to pick up fresh clothes and books to take to Cliff's, I knew something was wrong. Maggie was laying on the couch, on her side, a position I hardly ever saw her in before, with pillows and a comforter piled all around her. Rose was anxiously working in the kitchen, the tension in her body more alarming than words.

"What's going on?" I asked, tossing my book bag in the corner and striding into the living room. I knelt down on the floor so that my face was close to Maggie's. "What happened?"

"Nothing, Edward. I'm fine. The baby is fine." As usual, Maggie was minimizing the situation. I turned to Rose.

"She has preeclampsia," Rose said. "It's not too severe and the doctor said it will clear up after the baby is born, but for now she has to stay on bed rest. If it gets worse they may have to induce labor early."

"Worse? How?" This didn't sound benign. In fact, it sounded pretty damn serious. "What the hell is preeclampsia, anyway?"

"My blood pressure is just a little high," Maggie tried to calm both me and Rose. "Lots of women go through this with their first baby. Turns out my mom had it too, and she's fine. I'll just get to stay in bed until he's ready to come out. No big deal."

"What if it gets worse?" I asked worriedly. For once I wished I had a closer relationship with our father. I would have liked to call him to get more information.

"It's not going to get worse. Now, come on, I'm supposed to stay calm. It's hard to do that with you and Rose panicking and blowing this out of proportion."

I looked at Rose, chagrined, but for once she wasn't glowering at me angrily. I could tell she was just as concerned and had just as hard a time hiding her feelings.

"So bed rest, huh? No getting out of bed at all?"

Maggie grimaced. "Bathroom trips only. That's gonna be a treat."

"Looks like I'm gonna have to take some time off work," Rosalie said. "I was hoping to wait until after the baby was born, but looks like he had other plans. Just like a man, so completely self-absorbed, even before he's born."

"Careful, Rosie, they may not let us keep him if we male bash too much," Maggie warned affectionately.

"You may not have to take time off, Rose," I suggested. "I can be with her when I'm not in class and I'm sure between you, Emmett, Seth and Cliff we can get all other times covered. You might have to take some lunches at funky times, but not whole days."

"Really, Edward?" Rosalie's eyes lit up at the prospect. "You'd do that for us? And you think the guys would too? That would be such a huge help. I was really counting on having that time to bond with the little guy after he arrives."

I balked a little, mildly offended that she even needed to ask. "You girls dropped everything and moved in here for me when I needed help. Do you really need to ask if I'd be willing to spend some time with my sister when she needs me?" I asked indignantly.

"No, of course, I didn't mean it like that, Edward," Rose said apologetically. "But the guys?"

"I'll call Cliff right now. I already know his schedule, so I know he can cover some of the times I'm in class. When I'm done with him I'll go to talk to Em and Seth. It's only for a couple of weeks, right? I'm sure they'll be happy to help."

"Rosie, maybe Annabell and Claire could help too," Maggie threw out the names of her closest friends. "We don't have to rely on the boys exclusively."

"That's a good idea, Maggie. I'll call them, and Marie and Nina too," Rosie brightened as she thought of more of their friends. I picked up my bag and left for my bedroom to call Cliff.

"Hey, Eddie. What's up?" He sounded happy, but surprised. I didn't usually call him this time of day.

"Well, actually, Maggie hasn't been feeling so well so she went to the doctor today, and she has this thing called preeclampsia. I guess it's high blood pressure or something. She's been put on bed rest until the baby is born."

"Oh, no!" he was instantly serious. "Is the baby okay?"

"Yes, both she and the baby are fine, but she's really supposed to take it easy and she's not allowed to move except to go to the bathroom. And Rose was hoping to save her vacation days for after the baby is born, so I told them that I'd be with Maggie while Rose was at work between classes."

"Of course," he didn't hesitate.

"And I was actually hoping to ask you a favor. Maybe during the times when I'm in class and you're free you could spend some time with her?"

"Definitely, sure," he replied readily. "I'd be happy to do that."

"And the moving in thing," I hesitated to bring this up, but I wanted to let him know I hadn't forgotten.

"We'll talk about that later, after things calm down. Right now your sister is the priority. I know it will be easier for you to take care of her if you're living over there."

"I'll still come over some evenings, when Rose is here. And on weekends, as long as Rose doesn't have showings," I felt a little guilty to have to spend time apart after our lonely summer, but he was right, Maggie was a priority right now.

"Or I can come over by you, if that works better. Really, don't worry about me, Edward. Clearly we need to make sure Maggie and the baby are well. My apartment isn't going anywhere and neither am I."

"Thank you, Sunshine, for being so understanding," I said gratefully. "I have to go talk to Emmett and Seth, see what their schedules are like and if they would be willing to help too. I'll call you later, okay? I love you," the sentiment rolled easily off my tongue now, though sometimes it still gave me pause when I heard myself saying it. Not because I questioned the feeling, but because I had always thought it would be reserved for just one guy. But while I still wasn't able to give up Jasper in my mind completely, I knew what I felt for Cliff was very strong.

Maggie's bed rest lasted two and a half weeks. I spent the most time with her when Rose wasn't around, with friends filling in while I had to be in class. I thought she and I had already been about as close as two siblings who didn't grow up together could get, but during this time we grew even closer. We talked about our childhood, something that we hadn't discussed much before. I was surprised to find that somehow my mother had arranged to pay for Maggie's piano lessons and for Maggie's parents to be able to buy her an upright piano so she could practice at home. Mom also somehow arranged for all of Maggie's contest entry fees and all her summer music camps to be paid for, no questions asked. I confirmed twice that it hadn't been our father who made the arrangements. After all, to my knowledge Mom had no money of her own. But Maggie insisted Dad had nothing to do with any of it.

"I think Esme always felt bad that Carlisle never acknowledged me as his daughter, but she understood why my mother didn't want to pursue anything against him. At the time, being the daughter of devout Irish Catholic parents and having gotten pregnant with a child of a man who was supposed to marry the daughter of Edward Masen, the de facto emperor of Forks, mom had no choice but to agree to go to Ireland. She would have had me there if she hadn't met my dad, who married her despite the fact that she was already several months pregnant. They moved to the States and lived in Boston, with my dad's aunt and uncle, until I was 2. By then they figured enough time would have passed that no one would question my paternity. And luckily, with the red hair matching that of my parents, I looked so Irish the green eyes didn't raise any suspicion. So when they came back to Forks, so mom could take care of my grandma after she got sick, mom was not going to make any waves or try to get anything from Carlisle. She and dad wanted nothing to do with him. But money was short and just covered necessities, so when Esme offered to cover the piano fees, and assured mom that the money had nothing to do with Carlisle, mom agreed."

I just shook my head, wondering what other secrets my mom had kept throughout the years. I didn't understand this. If she had a source of money outside of my dad, why didn't she leave him? Maybe it was only enough to fund little things, like Maggie's piano lessons and fees. Heck, maybe that's all she had. I was proud, though, that she chose to spend her money on something important, something that had clearly changed Maggie's life. And that she did it under my father's nose only made it better.

By the second week in October, Maggie was past her due date, and the doctor was seriously contemplating inducing labor. She and Mags decided to give it until the end of the week. As it turned out, the baby didn't want to wait that long. Fortunately, I was the one with Maggie when her water broke, so I was able to quickly grab her hospital bag and help her to the car, calling Rose when we were on the way. At the hospital everyone assumed I was the father, and after trying to correct people a few times I just gave up and figured I'd leave that to Rose. She arrived within a half hour and took over, booting me out of the birthing room and into the waiting area. The nurses told me it would be a few hours, so I went outside and made all the phone calls I was expected to make, first to Maggie's parents, then Rose's parents and brother, and finally to Cliff and all the friends. Cliff arrived first, bringing with him the stuffed animals and clothes we'd purchased as our baby gift, as well as balloons and a gift basket for the new moms. He kept me company in the waiting room, holding my hand as we anxiously waited for news. Periodically a nurse came out at Rosalie's request to tell us how far along Maggie was and how much longer they expected it to take.

Emmett and Seth arrived later in the afternoon, bringing gifts for the girls and food for us. I was grateful for their thoughtfulness, as the hospital cafeteria did not sound at all appealing. Surprisingly, of the three of them, Seth was by far the most excited. He could hardly sit still in his chair, bouncing up from time to time and leaving the waiting room to walk around.

"I found the nursery!" he said, excitedly bouncing back into the room after one of his disappearing acts. "It's full of babies. You should see them. So tiny! And mostly cute, what little you can see of them, all wrapped up in their blankets. Some of them have those really red, splotchy, wrinkly faces, though. I sure hope our boy doesn't look like that!"

Emmett and I exchanged a look as the explanation for Seth's excitement became obvious. Finally, after all these years, he was not going to be the smallest guy in the group. I smiled and Emmett winked, but neither one of us said anything.

A few more hours passed and Rose and Maggie's families and other friends arrived. The waiting room was getting crowded, but none of us wanted to leave. Finally, about 10 hours after I first checked her in, we got the news. Liam Jason Hale was 7 pounds and 3 ounces and 21 inches long when he was born. Jason passed out the candy cigars he had brought for the occasion, and we all tried to contain our impatience as the nurse led us to Maggie's room in pairs to see her and the baby. Jason, as the biological father, got to go first, followed by Liam and Siobhan, and then Rosalie's parents. After that it was my turn to go in with Cliff, and in my nervousness I squeezed his hand so hard he yelped in pain before I let him go.

"Oh, shit. Sorry, Sunshine. I guess I'm a little freaked out."

"It's okay, Edward," he said, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. "It's your first nephew. I understand. But he's just a baby. Like Ren. You've held Ren before, remember? He didn't bite."

"He cried, though," I pointed out. "I don't want to make my nephew cry."

"Eddie, that's what babies do. Crying is their job. It has nothing to do with you."

"Sure, says the baby whisperer," I half-teased. It was true. Cliff had the magic touch or something. Ren would stop crying any time Cliff picked him up. Yvonne joked that he should move in with her and Roger just so they could get some sleep.

In the room we deposited the gifts on the table that was already brimming with stuff before we got close to the bed. Maggie looked exhausted, but happy. Rosalie was positively angelic holding the tightly wrapped infant in her arms.

"Hey Liam," she cooed. "Guess who's here to see you? It's your uncle Edward and uncle Cliff. Yeah! Remember uncle Edward? He's the one who's been talking to you and grabbing you from outside mommy's tummy. You wanna meet him in person? Do you?"

I heard some sort of gurgling sound from the bundle of blanket in Rose's arms and then she was bringing the bundle to me and handing it over, showing me how to hold the baby properly. More nervous than ever, since I'd heard that babies could smell fear and I was sure I absolutely reeked of it, I glanced down at the little face. I nearly gasped. He was nothing short of miraculous. Everything about him was so small, except for his eyes, which were unusually large for his face and surprisingly alert.

"Hey buddy," I said softly. "Nice of you to finally make your appearance. You've had quite a crowd waiting for you." He stared at me, but didn't cry. "I never thought I'd have a nephew, you know, so your mommies gave me a nice surprise when they decided to have you. And when you get older, I promise we're gonna do all sorts of fun stuff together. We'll go hiking and camping and rock climbing..."

"Maybe you should start with the park," Maggie suggested, laughing. I glanced over at her, and then back at Liam.

"Did you hear that? She sure is bossy, isn't she? But okay, she's your mommy, so we better listen to what she says. We'll start at the park, all right? That will be fun too."

The only reaction I got from Liam was that wide-eyed stare, but having him stay quiet while I held him was all I could ask for. I looked over at Cliff, who held out his hands, ready to say his hello, and I reluctantly handed the baby over. I felt guilty for feeling a little happy when I noted that Cliff's charm only worked on Ren. Liam started fussing soon after Cliff took him from me, and after just a few seconds overprotective Rosalie swooped in and took back her baby boy.

"He's really beautiful," Cliff offered. "Congratulations."

"He's a fine strapping young man," I added. Then I went up to the bed and took Maggie's hand. "How about you, Mama? How are you doing?"

She gave me a tired smile. "It wasn't the easiest thing I've ever done, but so worth it! He's just perfect, isn't he?"

"Yeah, he kind of is," I agreed, leaning over to give her a kiss on the cheek. "And he's one lucky guy to have two fantastic moms. You did good, sis! I'm proud of you."

She smiled again, but her eyes were starting to droop.

"Okay, you guys better go and send in the others before she's totally gone," Rosalie ordered. Obediently, we said our good byes and left, making room for Annabell and Claire.

We waited with Seth and Emmett until it was their turn to go in, and then waited until they came out so we could all leave together. Tired, but still pretty excited about the whole new nephew thing, I convinced the guys to come with me to get an early breakfast.

"So what happens now with Maggie and the bed rest?" Cliff asked. I scrunched up my face, realizing I had no idea.

"Not sure. I think Rose said the high blood pressure goes back to normal after birth, but I don't know if that's immediate or if it takes a while. Rose will be home with them for a couple of weeks, but after that Maggie may need some help."

Cliff nodded, looking down at his plate. I saw Seth narrow his eyes and frown.

"I'm sure Maggie will be okay, guys," I said. I knew we were all worried about her, but she was out of the woods now, I thought. "I mean, maybe she won't quite have the energy to do everything right from the start, but I'll just help her, like she helped me when I needed it. And eventually she'll be able to do everything herself, I'm sure."

I leaned over and pressed myself against Cliff. He wrapped his arm around me and kissed my temple.

"You're a good brother, Edward. I'm sure both Maggie and Rose will appreciate the help," he told me.

"Thanks, Cliff," I looked up to him and silently asked for a kiss, which he promptly and sweetly delivered. "And congratulations! You're kind of an uncle now too!"

"Ha!" he threw his head back and laughed. "Am I? I suppose I am. Guess I better learn how to change diapers."

I looked at him in horror. That would be something I was not looking forward to at all. When I looked back at Seth and Emmett, I saw that Seth was still frowning, but I decided to ignore him. This was a happy day, and I wasn't gonna let anyone rain on my parade.

I stayed at Cliff's for the two weeks that Rose had off, though the two of us stopped by fairly often to see the girls, and of course, the baby. I knew Maggie and Rose were always loathe to let him go, but they generously let both Cliff and me take our turns when we were over. Little Liam was just amazing. He had a way of staring at me as I held him that made it seem like he could see into my very soul. We definitely had a connection. He almost never cried or fussed in my arms, and while I knew he couldn't yet smile, sometimes he would part his lips and gurgle or bubble up some spit, almost as if he was trying to let me know that being with me was making him happy. Of course, he was generally a good baby, and didn't mind being passed around from person to person. But still, it just felt different when he was with me. I never realized how quickly a person could get attached to such a little, helpless bundle of human, but even a few days into his life, I could tell Liam and I were going to be thick as thieves.

After Rose went back to work I returned to the apartment, to help Maggie out. She insisted that it wasn't necessary, but I could tell she was still tired and appreciated the few hours a day when I looked after Liam while she napped. And sometimes I would get up and rock him to sleep after a late-night feeding, so that Rose could get her full night's sleep before work and Maggie could get some rest as well. And he really wasn't any trouble at all, typically out like a light after only a few minutes of walking around. The worst thing about him by far was changing his diapers, and the kid could fill them like nobody's business. I got the hang of it pretty quickly, though, including making sure to keep his little hose covered, so that Liam didn't spontaneously spray me during a change. Sadly, I learned that lesson the hard way.

With the baby occupying much of my available attention, time flew by. I cut back on the volunteering, which wasn't too hard to do, given the off season, but I still had classes and labs to worry about, and I needed to spend some time with Cliff. He had just been a trooper throughout the whole thing, never complaining about the time I spent with Liam, and coming over often so I wouldn't have to leave. He even offered to spend some nights at my apartment, but I didn't want him to have his sleep interrupted by the baby crying and, if I had to be completely honest, I couldn't handle the two of us using the same bed that Jasper and I had. The whole thing just brought up too many memories and associations. I had put away most of Jasper's pictures, except for one of the two of us taken the year we first met, but even without the photos, his presence loomed large in that room. I knew I probably should have forced myself to deal with it and let Cliff stay over anyway, but somehow when push came to shove, I always took the easy way out.

Cliff and I still had some weekday evenings together and Friday and Saturday nights, though our mornings sometimes had to be cut short if Rose had weekend showings. It was tough on both of us. Our lovemaking, while physically satisfying, was often too rushed for our liking, and it was difficult to get used to not having as much time together as we had in the past. We still cooked together sometimes and watched movies or the news, but somehow it all felt different, more vacant. Eventually I also noticed that Cliff started to change. He became more withdrawn, quiet, hardly ever laughed, almost regressing to the way he acted when we first met. I knew he started going to extra therapy sessions with Dr. Brenner, and I wondered if something had triggered memories of Wenn or Gio. I tried to get him to talk to me, to tell me what was wrong, but questions only made him shut down more. He'd shake his head and tell me that it was nothing, and then contradict himself by telling me that he was dealing with it. In any event, it was clear he didn't want to discuss whatever it was with me, so I backed off. When we were together I just held him, and told him how much I loved him, and how good he was for me, and how much I appreciated having him in my life. Sometimes this worked and made him happier for a while. Other times, not so much.

The girls went to Forks for Thanksgiving, but the boys all stayed in Seattle, so Cliff and I, with emphasis on Cliff, prepared a Thanksgiving dinner, and we invited Emmett and Seth. I knew that at one point Emmett contemplated flying out to Chicago for the long weekend to be with Christopher, but before he made his reservations Christopher called to tell him it was over. Apparently unable to keep his useless appendage in his pants for any extended period of time, Christopher at least had the balls to tell Emmett that he was interested in someone else, and broke off the relationship before he cheated. I knew Seth doubted Christopher's account on the sequence of events, but I trusted Christopher to have enough integrity to have acted honorably, if not decently. I suspected Christopher might have already known when he visited for Columbus Day weekend that their relationship was in trouble, but said nothing to Emmett at that time. Then again, in October we had all been a little on edge because of Maggie, and maybe he just didn't want to spring bad news on Emmett right then. If that was the case, I supposed it showed some thoughtfulness, though I think Emmett would have appreciated having that conversation face to face.

While I knew that in time Emmett would see the break-up as a good thing, at first he took it really hard. Seth, Cliff and I tried to do what we could for him, but in point of fact, none of us were as good a friend at that moment as we could or should have been. Seth, of course, never thought much of Christopher to begin with, so he couldn't muster up much sympathy, though I had to give him credit for the valiant effort he put into comforting his best friend. Cliff was feeling pretty down himself, so cheering Emmett up was not easy for him, though the two did have some long one-on-one talks that almost made me jealous of Emmett. I did what I could when I could, but I was pretty preoccupied with Liam so, in retrospect, it wasn't as much as I should have done. Suffice it to say that during Thanksgiving dinner we all drank entirely too much, and towards the end of the evening Emmett got downright morose.

"I guess I'm just the 'right now' guy," he lamented. "Good enough when it's convenient, but not worth any extra effort."

"Emmy," Seth soothed as he climbed onto Emmett's lap and wrapped his arms around the big man in a tight hug. "That is not true at all. Of course you're worth every extra effort. You're the best man I know. It's just Christopher was too much of a jerk to appreciate the treasure he stumbled upon, a treasure he never deserved in the first place."

"But it's not only Christopher," Emmett refused to be consoled. "Look at Jasper. I know I fucked up, but I thought if I gave him some space he'd come around. I was sure after a month or two he would realize that I only tried to help. But here we are, over a year later, and nothing."

I stared down at the carpet, tears filling my eyes. It was over 13 months since I confronted Jasper in New York, but I was suddenly swept right back into that moment, the rejection stinging as sharply as it had the first time. And knowing that my actions caused Emmett pain, too, made it that much harder to take. I felt Cliff wrap his arms around me and pull me close to his chest, and I turned and buried my face in his body, soaking in his comfort and strength. There was nothing positive I could offer Emmett. I had to trust that Seth would step in and take care of Emmett as only Seth could. The bond of their friendship was so strong, I knew that Seth would be able to comfort Emmett and, eventually, bring him out of his funk.

Of course, I never in a million years expected Seth to go as far as he did. A week later, we were driving him to the airport. He told us a distant uncle was sick and dying and he had to go back home to say his goodbye. It sounded strange, since Seth had never talked about his family at all, but we didn't question him, just hugged him and wished him and the uncle well before he went through security towards the gates. He was back the next day, looking so pleased with himself I asked him if he managed to work a miracle and help his uncle recover from whatever it was that had him on his deathbed. Seth just smiled mysteriously and told me that Christmas was a season for miracles. A day later, as everyone was over at our place having pizza, Emmett told us that he'd spoken with Jasper, and suddenly everything became very clear.

"You went to see him? In Rochester?" I turned to question Seth. "How is he?"

Suddenly the room became very quiet, with everyone except Seth and me seemingly very interested in the contents of their plates, though I saw everyone glancing in my direction from the corners of their eyes. Everyone except Cliff - he didn't look at me at all. Seth squinted at me, and then took a deep breath.

"He seems fine. Seems to be doing well, in fact. He says he's enjoying school and that God-forsaken, boring little town. Though in January he's apparently leaving for London. He has some internship there at a TV station."

Cliff looked up at hearing that. "Really? Is Jasper a journalism major too?"

"No," Seth shook his head. "Media studies. He's more interested in the behind the scenes stuff. Editing and all that."

Cliff nodded. In his desire to be a broadcast journalist he knew all about TV production. "He's lucky to have landed an internship in England," he commented. "I bet production is different over there. He'll learn a lot. I wonder how he managed to find something like that."

"Apparently the first time he went to England with his dad he befriended a guy who works for the BBC. His friend helped grease the wheels. Plus he's already interned at a TV station in New York this summer, so he has experience," Seth and Cliff continued their conversation as if no one else was in the room, this topic being of more interest to them than to any of us.

"That's really impressive. He's only a junior, right?" Cliff asked and Seth nodded. "Wow, I envy him. What a great experience. And how lucky that he'll have a friend in the UK, so he'll have someone to hang out with." Cliff's eyes suddenly darted to me and his face darkened. He looked back at his food. I'd told him about the guy Jasper hooked up with while on vacation in London, and about his UK friends coming to visit him for New Year's freshman year. I had no idea if the friend who got him the internship was the same guy who blew him in a club, but regardless, there was a good chance he'd be seeing that guy.

I knew I had no right to feel that stabbing ache in my heart brought on by the thought of Jasper intimate with someone else, especially while sitting next to a guy I'd been with for over six months. A guy I loved, who loved me back. I had no right to feel it, but the pain was there anyway, wrenching and wringing the blood pumping organ as if it was a dish sponge. But whatever was going on inside me, I couldn't let anyone else see, especially not Cliff.

"Well," I said as calmly and neutrally as I could, "I'm glad things are working out for him. Did you two have a good talk, Emmett? Is everything between you guys good now?"

"Yeah, I think so," Emmett said carefully. "I mean, it will take some time to get things back to the way they used to be, but I apologized and he apologized and we'll talk again soon."

I wondered if there was any hope for me to apologize. I desperately wanted to tell Jasper that I was sorry, that I should have waited and done everything differently. That I now knew what I'd done wrong. But neither Seth nor Emmett mentioned that Jasper had any interest in talking to me, or that he even asked about me, and if he didn't, I couldn't put them in the middle again. The cost for them last time had been too high.

I looked at Cliff, who still had not looked up from his plate. I glanced over at Rosalie, whose face was completely blank, the way it usually was when she was trying to keep tight reins on her anger. Maggie just looked disappointed. That's when I finally figured out how horribly awkward this whole conversation must have been for Cliff. I could have slapped myself for being so stupid and blind. I reached over to take Cliff's hand. I felt a moment's hesitation, but then his fingers intertwined with mine.

"Well, I'm happy for you, Em. I'm really glad you two are talking. And Seth, I'm sorry you had to go all the way to Rochester to fix my mistake, but I'm really glad that you did, for all of you. And I hope Jasper is happy. As happy as I am with Cliff."

I brought our joined hands to my lips and kissed Cliff's knuckles. He looked over at me, surprised but pleased, a smile starting in his eyes.

"He deserves to be as happy as I am with Cliff," I added for good measure, because I sensed Cliff needed to hear it. His whole face lit up with that smile that made the sun come out from behind the clouds. I leaned over and kissed him, sweetly but possessively, slipping my tongue inside his mouth to stake my claim over him, tasting his delicious natural flavor mixed with pizza sauce and pepperoni. Time stopped and the room faded away. I brought my free hand to his cheek and stroked it as my kiss became harder and more passionate. He responded in kind, which only turned me on more. Who knows how far we would have gone, had it not been for Emmett's loud throat clearing.

"It's really good to see you two so... um... happy. But maybe you should save some of that happiness for later?"

I stopped the kiss, but I didn't pull away from Cliff right away. Instead I shifted so that my lips were close to his ear and I whispered "I love you, Sunshine," quietly enough so only he would hear.

"I love you too," he replied, equally softly.

We both pulled away then, though I still held his hand, not willing to break all contact. This was the happiest I'd seen Cliff in a long time, and I didn't want either one of us to lose this high. I turned to Maggie and Rose, finding both of them smiling.

"Are you girls gonna be all right if I spend the night at Cliff's tonight?" I asked. "Assuming that's okay with you, of course," I directed the second question to Cliff.

"You're always welcome, you know that," Cliff answered, still smiling. "My place is your place," he added for emphasis. I saw Seth lift his eyebrow, but I ignored him, turning back to my sisters.

"Go and have fun, Edward. We'll be fine. Having your help with Liam is a privilege, but you shouldn't put your life on hold for us," Maggie said.

"Like you didn't put your life on hold for me?" I asked. And then, because this wasn't the time or place for a debate, I turned back to Cliff.

"We'll leave after we're done eating, okay? I'll just have to grab some clothes for tomorrow."

"You already have clothes at the apartment," Cliff pointed out. "I did laundry, so everything is clean. Though, it is supposed to be cold tomorrow, and you don't have any sweaters at our place yet, so you might want to grab one, or several."

I did my best to have absolutely no reaction to Cliff's referring to his apartment as "our place," hoping against hope that it slipped by everyone else. I hadn't told anyone that Cliff had asked me to move in and I hadn't even really thought about it since Liam's birth. Now, however, the idea popped right back to the forefront of my mind. Of course, it made no sense for me to move while I was helping with the baby. I was sure Cliff understood that. But maybe it made sense to address it with him, just in case. Not in front of everyone, though. It would wait until later on, when we were alone.

"Sure, good idea," I said, and even I could tell I sounded a little flustered. "So let's finish the pizza and we can get going." I gave him a nervous smile as I let go of his hand and picked up the slice that had been resting on my plate. He smiled back and did the same, but he placed his left hand on my thigh.

"That sounds really good," he proclaimed before taking a bite.

When we got to Cliff's place shortly thereafter, I barely had time to place the few sweaters I brought over into another drawer he had freed up for me before we tumbled into bed to make love, for once going slow and taking all the time we needed to make sure we both knew exactly how much we loved each other. It was a beautiful and exhausting evening, and as we lay in each other's arms afterwards, the last thing I wanted to do was bring up the living arrangements, especially since I was not yet ready to even think about it, much less make a decision. I knew my failure to address the root causes of my indecision, even with myself, was cowardice to the extreme, and I was ashamed. Clearly not ashamed enough to do anything about it, but it didn't make me feel stellar. I thought about Cliff going to extra therapy sessions to deal with whatever was bothering him and I felt doubly ashamed for cutting back on mine. With all the other things I had going on, and as good as I was feeling in general, I figured I didn't need Dr. Furman as often as I once did. But if I was still afraid to think about things that were potentially painful or unpleasant, afraid to figure out what about moving in with Cliff bothered me, when in theory the move made all the sense in the world, maybe I hadn't gotten as far as I thought.

I stayed awake long into the night, these and other similar thoughts swirling around my head as Cliff rested on my chest, his deep, even breathing practically the only sound in the apartment besides my own. It was kind of nice, having all that peace and quiet, though I found I missed the sounds of Liam's periodic fussing. I knew it wouldn't last forever, but at least for a little while longer Maggie could still use my help, and as much as I had bonded with that boy already, I still didn't want to miss a second. It was thoughts of the little guy falling asleep scrunched up like a frog on top of my chest the previous week, that finally put me to sleep as well.

The following morning I didn't rush out of the apartment as usual. We each didn't have classes until the late morning, so we woke up leisurely and took a shower together before making a breakfast far too elaborate for a weekday. I enjoyed it all, most of all the big smile on Cliff's face as he prepared breakfast, and the small, intimate kisses we shared while I held him from behind as he scrambled the eggs and pan fried the sausages. I hadn't realized how much I missed moments like this, and I was sad that something inside me was preventing me from taking the final step that would give me all of this on a regular basis. Still, the entire time I said nothing to Cliff, unwilling to disturb this little moment of utopia we had fashioned for ourselves before it was time for me to return to my apartment, and for us to be separated again.

We finished the week up much the same way as we had the weeks before, with me spending most of my time at my place. The following week was the last week of classes before finals. Being December, Rosalie wasn't as busy on the weekends as she had been in prior months, so I was able to carve out more time for Cliff, and we took advantage of it to complete our Christmas shopping. He was much more of a careful shopper than I was, taking the time and care to find the exact right gift for everyone. I mostly opted for gift cards, except when it came to Liam. I bought him a whole bunch of toys that I thought would be fun not just for him, but for me too, even if, at the girls' insistence, they were all in one way or another of an "educational" nature.

After we got done shopping Saturday night, for once we didn't go back to Cliff's apartment to cook, but opted to go out to dinner. The restaurant we chose was decorated beautifully for the holidays and everyone seemed to be in a festive mood. Cliff and I got an intimate table for two and enjoyed sharing an appetizer, then feeding each other bites of our entrees, and finally finishing the meal with coffee and shared dessert. It was only as we were both on our second cup of coffee that Cliff became slightly nervous, his fingers twisting up the napkin that he had taken off his lap and placed on the table. I wasn't sure if I should ask him what was wrong or if I should give him space to decide if he wanted to talk about whatever it was that caused him such anxiety. After a minute or so of indecision, he finally looked up at me.

"Edward, I'd like to ask you a question."

I swallowed hard. The opening certainly sounded ominous. "Sure," I said, feeling anything but.

"You know I'm flying home for the holidays," he stated. I nodded. He hadn't gone home for Thanksgiving and it made perfect sense that he would want to spend the holidays with his parents.

"And I know you weren't planning on going home to Forks," I nodded again, a tingling of apprehension creeping up the back of my neck as I now sensed the direction of his thoughts.

"So I've been thinking about it a lot, and I was hoping you'd come to Spokane with me for Christmas."

There it was. The request I should have anticipated sooner, but didn't. And once it was out in the open, the only thing I could do was come up with some plausible excuse for why I didn't want to join my boyfriend and his family for the Christmas holidays.

"At this late date, tickets would be really expensive," I said. "I don't really have the money and if I asked my father I'd have to get into explanations that I really don't want to get into."

Cliff knew that I still hadn't come out to my family, and that I was waiting to graduate before I did it, so that my father would continue to pay for college and the apartment. He never seemed to have a problem with this before, and I didn't anticipate one now. Of course, I also didn't anticipate his ready answer.

"The ticket cost doesn't matter. I have the money."

"Wow, I really couldn't ask you to pay for all that," I floundered, angry that I hadn't anticipated his counterargument. "Besides, I already said I would spend Christmas day with Seth. He isn't going home and he'll be all alone."

"Seth's welcome to come with us."

I arched my eyebrow meaningfully and Cliff laughed.

"My parents are pretty open minded, and I know Bruce and Tyrone would get a kick out of him. And, knowing Seth, he'd like them too. I'm sure they'd have lots to talk about."

I was a little annoyed at how well prepared he was for all my arguments. I hated to resort to hiding behind my 2 month old nephew, but desperate times called for desperate measures, and I desperately wanted to avoid this holiday familial gathering where I would be put on display for Cliff and Gio's relatives to examine and evaluate. I wasn't sure yet if I could pass that kind of scrutiny.

"But it's Liam's first Christmas, and I really wanted to be here for that," I threw in. I saw resignation come over Cliff's face instantly.

"I thought Rose and Maggie were going to spend Christmas with Rose's family," he tried to argue, but his voice sounded defeated.

"They're leaving Christmas morning and they will spend a few days there, but we were planning on celebrating Christmas Eve together," I explained. Of course, I didn't elaborate that the girls were only staying around for Christmas Eve for my sake, and would probably love to be able to get a head start on their trip.

Cliff looked down at the table. "Right. That makes sense," he acknowledged.

"Sunshine," I leaned over to take his hand. "We'll only be apart for a week and then you'll be back and we'll have our own Christmas celebration, right? Just the two of us? And then another one with the gang. It'll be good - it will help to stretch out the holidays."

"Sure," he nodded and squeezed my hand, but then pulled his hand back out of my grasp. "We should get the check," he pointed out, gesturing to our empty coffee cups.

I felt the mood change, but I could do nothing about it short of agreeing to go with him to Spokane, and I really did not want to do that. I settled the bill and we drove back to his place, transferring my purchases to the trunk of my car and bringing his upstairs. Ordinarily, once upstairs we would have been all over each other, but this night Cliff seemed tense and pensive. Instead of heading straight for the bedroom, after hanging up his coat Cliff went into the living room and mixed himself a drink.

"You want anything?" he asked, standing at his small but efficiently stocked bar cabinet. I shook my head, unable to find the words to respond. He closed the cabinet and took his drink to the sofa, where he made himself comfortable and turned on the TV, scrolling through the movie channels until he found something that was just starting. I frowned, noting this was not something he would normally watch, but I didn't want to upset him further by questioning him, when he clearly was in no mood to talk. I sat down on the sofa beside him and leaned against him. He put his left arm around my shoulder, holding the drink in his right hand, but did not acknowledge me in any other way. We sat like that, for the duration of the movie, nearly without moving or speaking. Cliff got up only once, to refresh his drink. When he came back to sit I snuck my arm around his back and moved even closer to him, but his response was the same arm around my shoulders. Sitting right next to him, with almost no physical space between us, I could still feel the emotional rift, and I had no idea how to mend it.

After the movie ended we got up and Cliff washed his glass. I followed him into the kitchen and took the glass from him to dry it. He handed it to me wordlessly, and then left for the bedroom. By the time I got there he was undressed and in the bathroom, brushing his teeth. I felt like I was playing catch up, but he had gotten so far ahead of me it wasn't possible to catch him. I took off my clothes and headed for the bathroom as well. We met in the doorway and I could tell he was going to simply pass me without talking. I grabbed him, pulled him close to me and kissed him. He offered no resistance and kissed me back, but he didn't put his arm around me or try to prolong the kiss. Once I let him go, he simply walked past me as he originally intended.

In the bathroom I leaned against the sink and stared in the mirror. He had never been so cold and indifferent with me before. Clearly my refusal to go back home with him had caused this reaction, and a part of me just wanted to go back into the bedroom and tell him that yes, I would go to Spokane, just to get my Sunshine back. But another part of me, a stronger part, was pissed that I was being subjected to what amounted to emotional blackmail. Whatever my reasons, if I didn't want to go to Spokane, that should have been the end of it. I shouldn't feel coerced into accepting the invitation. The more I thought the angrier I became, brushing my teeth so hard my gums started to bleed. I rinsed with Listerine, which made the scratched up gums hurt even more. I stood in front of the mirror again, not even wanting to get into bed with him, weighing my options. I could go home, although that would prompt all sorts of questions from Maggie and Rose, which I really didn't feel like answering, especially since I was afraid they might take Cliff's side. I could sleep on the sofa - I knew where Cliff kept extra pillows and blankets and it would be easy enough to do without raising anyone else's suspicions. Or I could just get in bed and not be in physical contact with him. The bed was certainly large enough for that, and as closely as we normally slept, that alone would send a message loud and clear.

I chose the last option and stormed back into the bedroom, only to find all the lights had been turned off except for the lamp on my side. Cliff hadn't waited for me. He was already sleeping, curled up as close to his edge of the bed as he could have been without falling off. My anger left instantly, replaced by a profound feeling of rejection. Never mind that I had just been about to do the very same thing to him. The fact that he beat me to the punch, that he signaled not wanting to be close to me tonight, left me feeling horribly alone. I walked to my side of the bed, got in, and turned off the lamp. I lay there for a while on my back, listening to his even breathing, missing his weight on my chest. I envied him the alcohol he ingested, which clearly helped him go to sleep. I knew I'd never get any rest like this.

After about an hour of trying to unsuccessfully count sheep and a bunch of other useless exercises to turn off my brain, I finally gave up. I turned and slipped over to him, spooning up behind him and wrapping my arm around him. I kissed his neck and buried my nose in his soft, blond hair, comforted by his scent. "I love you, Sunshine." I whispered into his ear, needing to tell him even if he wasn't able to hear it.

He stirred. "I love you too, Eddie," he mumbled sleepily, moving backwards to burrow his body into mine. Moments later his breathing was even again. At the very least I knew that even if we were having problems while awake, in his subconscious he still loved me. I sighed, closed my eyes, and was finally able to relax enough to fall asleep.

The next morning I woke up alone and disappointed. One glance at the alarm clock told me it was late morning. The sounds and smells coming from the kitchen let me know Cliff was preparing breakfast. That actually bode well. It told me he wasn't so mad that he'd leave me to fend for myself with cereal and cold milk.

I was in the center of the bed, so I rolled towards his pillow and took a good whiff. Apparently, just as it had once upon a time with Jasper, the scent of the man I loved always had a calming effect on me. I hadn't even seen Cliff yet and already, in the light of day, things were looking brighter. I rolled over to my side of the bed and was just about to throw off the covers to get up when Cliff came into the room, carrying a loaded breakfast tray.

"Oh, you're up," he said with a small smile and surprise in his voice. "I wasn't sure you would be. I made breakfast. Good morning."

He brought the tray to the bed and leaned over to kiss me, hesitating a moment, as if not knowing what kind of reception to expect. I stretched up into his kiss, craving the warmth of his lips and the signal that somehow, overnight, things shifted again and the rift between us was gone.

"I made French toast and bacon," He said, pulling out the legs from underneath the tray and setting it on top of the bed. "I hope that's OK."

In addition to the food, already split between two plates, the tray contained glasses of juice and cups of coffee. I couldn't get over the thoughtfulness of this meal, in such stark contrast to the way Cliff behaved towards me the previous night. He sighed as he sat down on the bed on the other side of the tray.

"I'm sorry about last night, Edward," he said, as if reading my thoughts, again. "I had a lot of time to think about things this morning, and I realized that I behaved childishly. I would very much like you to come to Spokane with me for the holidays, but it wasn't fair to spring that at you at nearly the last second, after you'd already made plans, and expect you to change everything to accommodate my wishes."

I couldn't believe he was taking all of the responsibility for the previous night on himself, giving me the perfect out without even needing to apologize. I felt relieved, but also a little guilty. While I didn't feel like I deserved the cold shoulder he gave me, I hadn't exactly been totally honest with him either. Maybe if I had been, he would not have gotten as upset. But since he was obviously willing to let it all go, did it make any sense for me to keep harping on it?

"It's all right, Sunshine. I'm just glad we're okay this morning. Thank you for the breakfast. It looks delicious."

"And it's getting cold," he pointed out. "Let's eat."

We ate, took a shower together, and then went back to bed, making love the way we should have the previous night. The sex was hungry and passionate, both of us seemingly deciding to channel whatever frustrations we were feeling into a positive mutual aggression in bed. Afterwards, exhausted, we napped. By the time we got up again it was late afternoon and time to shower and prepare dinner before I went back to my apartment.

The next two weeks were busy. The last week of classes was always a killer and then we had to get ready for finals. Unlike the spring term, we didn't study together as much, since I was staying mostly at my place. Only after finals were over for both of us, did we allow ourselves a last full day and night together, before it was time for me to take him to the airport. In those two weeks I'd sensed something changed between us, but it was so subtle and we saw each other so rarely, I wasn't able to put my finger on it. So what happened at the airport took me completely by surprise.

I parked the car and we walked to the terminal together, Cliff bringing just a carry-on, having shipped all of his presents home already to make travel easier. He had checked in with the airline at home and had the boarding pass printed, so the only thing left was for me to kiss him and wish him safe journey. That last kiss between us, though, had an odd air of finality to it.

"I love you. I'll miss you," I told him. He didn't respond right away, instead giving me a long inscrutable look. I began to squirm uncomfortably.

"I love you and I'll miss you, too, Edward," he finally said. "But maybe it's a good thing that we'll have this time apart. It'll give us time to think."

Alarm bells, hundreds of them at once, went off inside me, as I tried to stifle my panicked reaction to the horrible sounding words.

"Think about what?" my voice sounded so small, but I was proud that I was able to get words out at all past the fear that seemed to be choking me.

"Think about everything. It's the end of the year. Time to take stock, evaluate, figure out a direction for the following year, you know?"

"Are," I had to pause to swallow down the bile that started rising from my stomach. "Are you considering a change in direction?"

"Well," he looked deep into my eyes and I knew he could sense all of my emotions, yet he didn't try to comfort me or to alleviate my fears. "I am graduating in few months, and I have to think about what I want to do with my future."

I gulped. His future. Not our future. Though did I have any right to expect him to be thinking about our future? In the past few months we'd spent less time together than when we started dating, not more. Of course there was a good reason for that, but maybe I'd been wrong in assuming that the reason was good enough. In truth, I'd never given any thought to our future, assuming things would just continue as they had been. I didn't even consider the fact that Cliff would graduate. Now I had to face the possibility that in six months everything that had been a constant in my life since I started seeing him in May could change. And that possibility terrified me.

"Well," he said, pointing to the security area, "I'd better go. I don't want to miss my flight."

"Okay," I accepted. "Call me when you get there?"

"Of course. Take care of yourself and the girls and Liam. And Merry Christmas," he leaned in and kissed me again, a gentle peck this time.

"Merry Christmas, Sunshine," I repeated, watching him turn and get in the security line. I waited until he reached the x-ray machines and walked through, giving me a small wave before he disappeared on the other side. I knew that should have been my cue to turn around and go back to the car, but I stood rooted in place, staring at the frame of the opening he had just walked through. I couldn't stop thinking about what he'd said, and wondering what would happen when he returned, after he had a chance to think and re-evaluate his life. Would we still be together in a week, or could this have been a good bye?

"Sir, is everything all right?" A female voice startled me out of my stupor. I don't know how long I had just been standing there. I focused my eyes on the speaker and saw that it was a uniformed officer. She looked calm, but her hand was on her holster. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a couple of other officers heading in our direction.

"Everything's fine," I said. "Sorry. I was just dropping off a friend and I just got lost in thought," that was certainly true enough. "Sorry," I repeated.

"You need to move along. This is not a good place for daydreaming," she offered. I very nearly laughed. Daydreaming? More like day nightmare-ing. I was glad I didn't end up laughing, though, the last thing I wanted was to antagonize her and perhaps get myself arrested.

"Okay. I'll be leaving now. Sorry." I turned to walk out of the terminal, profoundly glad that she didn't try to restrain me or to ask me more questions. Back at the car, I decided the smartest thing to do would be to leave the airport. However, on the way home I pulled into the first strip mall parking lot I saw and just sat. I thought everything had been going so well between me and Cliff, I ignored the little changes and the signs that something was wrong. And now it could all potentially unravel right before my eyes. Fuck! Merry Christmas indeed. And a Happy fucking New Year, too.