Chapter 22

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Chapter 22: More Than Words

I didn't go home for dinner that night. Both of the girls would be there so my help would not be needed, and as upset as I was, they were bound to notice and make me talk, something I wasn't ready to do. Instead, I grabbed a burger from a drive-through and ate the food in the car in the parking lot, wallowing in my solitude. I was still sitting there when Cliff called from the Spokane airport, telling me that he got in fine, but that his parents were taking him out to dinner and that he might be home late so he wouldn't call me again until the next day. When I protested and asked him to call me anyway, he just said that I'd probably get little enough sleep with the baby, and he didn't want to contribute to my sleep loss. It sounded and felt like an excuse to avoid talking with me, but then I figured late night at my apartment, with both of the girls there, probably wouldn't be the best time to talk about what I wanted to talk to him about anyway, so I accepted the excuse without further objections and wished him a good night.

After I put away the phone I leaned over the steering wheel. This was too much for me to handle alone. I needed expert advice from someone who wouldn't hold back and would just tell me what things were, even if it was bad news. I needed Seth. I pulled out my phone again and dialed his number, realizing he was probably out. But as long he answered, at least I could arrange to meet with him the next day. He picked up on the third ring.

"This better be important, Cullen," he barked. "You're interrupting my dinner at Bleu Bistro with a very promising top."

"Yeah, sorry about that, Seth. It's not that important. I just need to talk. I'll call you back tomorrow or just stop by."

"Wait!" he ordered before I could wrap up the conversation. In the background I heard him mumbling, "Excuse me, Preston, this will just take a minute," before he came back with "Why do you need to talk? You never need to talk. What's going on?"

"Really, Seth, it's nothing that can't wait," I tried to dissuade him, though I knew that tone of voice. It was that of a hound who had just picked up the fox's scent.

"Just you let me be the judge of that. Something happened with Cliff. He finally said something, didn't he? What was it?"

"What? How did you know?"

"Never mind. You're freaked out, I can hear it in your voice, so it must have been serious. Where are you?"

I didn't argue, just told him my location.

"Okay, it'll take us both about the same time to get home. Meet me in the lobby and we'll go straight to my place." I heard a noise over the receiver and then Seth's voice was muffled again. "I'm sorry, Preston, this is an emergency and I need to go home. We'll have to reschedule. . . No, Honey, I'm not ditching you for another date. This is a friend and he needs me and it has nothing to do with sex. . . We certainly can get together for a rain check, and trust me, you will not regret it. But for now, be sweet and get the bill, will you? I really need to get home."

I felt bad for making Seth go through all this trouble, but I knew he'd never do anything he didn't want to, except maybe for Emmett. If this date had been important enough, he wouldn't be offering to come home just to talk to me.

"All right, are you on your way?" he asked when he came back on the line. I turned on the ignition and assured him that I was. "I'll see you soon, then. And don't worry. Whatever mess you've gotten yourself into, I'll help you figure out how to straighten it all out."

I was rather disturbed by the fact that Seth wasn't at all surprised by my call. I kept hearing his 'He finally said something, didn't he?' in my head, and wondered how he knew. Of course, that was dumb. Somehow Seth always knew. But if he knew all this time that something was bothering Cliff, why hadn't he told me?

He was already waiting for me by the time I got there, leaning up against the lobby wall. I walked over to him, not really knowing what to do or say. I was annoyed that he kept things from me, but I needed him to help me, so accusing and antagonizing him was not a good idea. I finally decided to let him start. I'd answer his questions and get his advice, and maybe along the way I would find out why he did what he did.

When I reached him he put his hand up to my face and looked right into my eyes. Like Liam, Seth had a way of looking at you like he could read every thought and every emotion you ever had. It was most disconcerting, and yet I didn't dare look away. I didn't know how the hell this voodoo magic that Seth practiced worked, and if he needed to peruse my soul before dispensing advice, so be it.

"Is it really that bad or are you panicking for no reason?" he asked. "Never mind," he continued before I had a chance to answer. "Let's just go upstairs and get comfortable before you start. I have a feeling this is gonna take a while."

In his apartment he bypassed the beer, pouring out two healthy glasses of straight from the freezer vodka, at least doubles if not triples. He handed one of the glasses to me and motioned me over to the couch.

"Sit down, drink, and tell me everything. Don't leave out a single word."

I took a big swallow, the cold spirit washing smoothly down my throat, then setting my insides on fire. I shook my head. "Damn!" We still had no alcohol in my apartment because Maggie was breastfeeding and Cliff and I tended to drink wine or beer when we were together, so I was no longer used to drinking straight hard liquor like I had been in the past. Remembering the kind of person I was back when I used to drink the stuff, I rather hoped I'd never get too used to it again.

"Right before he left today," I started, "Cliff said he was glad we'd have time apart this break, so he could re-evaluate things and think about what he wanted to do with his future?"

Seth said nothing.

"His future, Seth. He said his future, not ours. Is he... ? Do you think he wants to break up with me?" I took another gulp of vodka, not sure I wanted to hear Seth's answer. "Has he talked to you about it? Is that how you knew he was going to say something?"

"Is that all he said?" Apparently he was more in the mood to ask questions than to answer them.

"Don't make me do this, Seth. If you know something, if he told you things, just tell me. Let's not play twenty questions."

"He hasn't said anything to me."

"Then how did you know?"

"The same way I know most of the things I know, Edward. Honestly, haven't you gotten that by now? I listen, I observe, I feel things other people don't. Maybe it's my Lakota blood, or maybe I'm just more intuitive than most people, but things that other people don't see seem very obvious to me. Cliff's been feeling uncertain and neglected for a while. Has he really not said anything until today?"

"What?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "What do you mean he's been feeling uncertain and neglected?"

"I don't exactly know when things changed. You were fine over the summer, that little video session I saw proved that, but then, pretty soon after he came back, something seemed off. At first I thought he was just nervous about the baby, as we all were, but after Liam was born I could see it even more clearly. He was trying to hide it, apparently hid it well from you, but his needs clearly weren't being met. I wondered how long he would let it go on before he called you on it. He lasted a lot longer than I thought. And even now, if all he said was what you told me tonight, it doesn't sound like he's made a final decision. But he's taking a step back, Edward. And if you don't do something to fix this, and I mean now, you're gonna lose him. Is that what you want? You sure haven't been acting like your relationship with him is important to you. Was it when you both actually said out loud that you loved each other? Is that what spooked you?"

My head was spinning. It was exactly the wrong thing to do, but I grabbed the glass and drained it of its contents in one huge gulp. Seth was wrong. He had to be wrong. Had I really been acting like Cliff wasn't important to me? Nothing could be further from the truth.

"Seth, what did I do? What did you see?"

"You really have no idea?" he asked seriously. I shook my head in response. "I'm not gonna tell you, Edward. You need to figure it out for yourself. But I'll help you. What happened when Cliff came back this fall? You said your ‘I Love you’s and then what?"

I scrunched up my forehead, thinking back. "A couple of days later he asked me to move in with him," I recalled.

"And you said no?" Seth's eyes opened wide in surprise.

"No," I shook my head. "I told him I needed to think about it, talk to the girls. But then Maggie got sick and she needed help and moving out didn't make sense."

Seth nodded his understanding. "And after Liam was born?"

"You know what happened. I stayed with Cliff while Rosalie was off work, but then Maggie still needed help so I came back."

"Did she?" Seth raised his eyebrow.

"Yes," I said vehemently. "You know how it was. I stayed with Liam while she napped and got up with him during the night."

"The girls could have handled him at night, and you didn't have to live there to watch him while Maggie napped during the day," Seth pointed out.

"What are you saying?" I challenged.

"You tell me, Edward. Were you doing what was necessary, or were you using Liam as an excuse so you wouldn't have to decide whether to move in with Cliff or not? What was there to think about, anyway?"

"I don't know," I replied, shaking my head.

"Bullshit," Seth was relentless. "You know exactly what stopped you, you're just refusing to admit it."

I looked at him, my eyes swimming with yet unshed tears.

"We all saw how crushed he was by your reaction to hearing that I saw Jasper. Now, thank God you saw it too, before it was too late, and salvaged things somehow, but do you really not understand how that must have made him feel?"

"I can't help how I feel about Jasper, Seth."

"And just how is that? You told Cliff you loved him. Was that a lie? Do you still love Jasper?"

"No," I protested weakly. "You don't understand. I love Cliff, I do, but I can't put Jasper out of my mind completely. Sometimes I almost think I have, and then something will happen and it will remind me, and he'll be there, in my head, like he never left. I can't even," I paused. "I haven't been able to have Cliff sleep in my room at the apartment because it just feels wrong, because of Jasper."

Seth nodded. "I figured that was the reason Cliff never stayed. I was sure he would have offered to."

"Jasper's presence is just too strong there," I tried to explain.

"Don't you think Cliff realizes that, and that's one of the things that bothers him the most? And isn't that the best reason of all for you to move out?"

I looked away from him. The reason why I'd been reluctant to move had been there all along, but I never vocalized it, never even dared to think it.

"Seth, I don't know if I can. If I move out, the girls will convert that room into a nursery, and there'll be nothing left," the tears finally spilled from my eyes.

"And that will be a good thing," Seth slid towards me on the sofa and wrapped his arms around me. "Edward, it’s been over a year since you went up there and he's still not ready. He may never be ready. You can't just freeze time and stay in that apartment, waiting for a change that may never come. Jasper's not waiting. He's moved on, or he's trying to."

"He has?" I pulled back and scrutinized his face. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"Because you've moved on too, and I didn't see the point."

"Tell me," I commanded, pulling out of his hug and grasping his upper arms.

"Let me go," Seth seethed through clenched teeth. I released my grip immediately and he rubbed his arms. "Don't you ever do that to me again!" he barked, then got up and walked to the window. It took only a moment for me to remember the story he told Jasper on the night of the final confrontation with James. I had just, completely inadvertently, reminded him of the abuse he suffered at the hands of his ex. God, I was such an asshole. Why did anyone even put up with someone like me?

"Seth, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to," I wasn't sure of the right way to finish that sentence. "I would never hurt you," I finally said.

"I know," he said, still looking out the window. "It's just, this apartment has memories for me too. Especially when Emmett's not here."

I hung my head. I would do something stupid like this when Emmett was gone to Minnesota for the holidays and Seth was alone and vulnerable. It was just like me. And if Jasper had been here I probably would have done something similar to him too. I still acted thoughtlessly. Would that ever change? I made a mental note to call Dr. Furman and schedule more therapy sessions, put myself back on a regular schedule and add some extra hours up front. I was so lost in thought I didn't hear Seth walking back until his feet appeared in my line of vision.

"Really, I'm so sorry," I apologized again, looking up at him. I put my arms around him and pulled him closer, pressing my face into his stomach. "You have to believe me, I would never, ever do anything to deliberately hurt you."

"I know," he repeated, hugging me to him. "That wasn't your fault, Edward. I overreacted and you couldn't have known. Most of the time I'm fine, but there are moments when it all comes back."

"I should have remembered, Seth. After what happened with Jasper, I should have remembered. I've really tried to change, but maybe no matter how hard I try it will never be enough. I'm starting to think that maybe it's a good thing Jasper isn't coming back. What if he came back and I did something like this and he ran again?"

Seth released me and stepped back, then sat by my side again.

"What you just did before would not have freaked out most people. It wouldn't have freaked out Cliff. The changes that you made are good and you should stop being so hard on yourself. You're trying to be something Jasper needs, but Jasper has moved on and you're with another guy who has different needs. You have to start thinking about the guy you love now, not the one you loved in the past."

I couldn't look at him. He was being generous when he spoke of my love for Jasper in past tense, and we both knew it. It was true I loved Cliff, but my love for Jasper never went away entirely. For Cliff's sake, I would still have to work on that. Maybe Seth could help me.

"Seth, will you tell me why you think he's moved on? If I know, that might help me forget."

He took a deep breath and watched me carefully, then exhaled with a sigh.

"It's nothing specific," he said. "He didn't talk about anyone. But he has pictures in his apartment of men I don't know. Several different ones. Some alone, some in groups, some with him. A few I recognized from pictures I'd seen before of his friends, Peter and Greg. One stuck out in particular. A little older than me and Em. Judging by the boots and the hat, he fancies himself a cowboy, although for some reason he looked familiar, but it wasn't a face-on shot, just a silhouette, and I couldn't place him exactly. Anyway, besides the pictures, Jasper just seemed comfortable. There was no anxiety, no frustration. He didn't seem like someone who'd been really lonely. I don't think he's in a relationship, though I can't see him going home with random guys either, and he's certainly no power bottom. Maybe it's just a fuck buddy, or several? I don't know. But he's definitely not sitting around waiting."

Every single one of Seth's words felt like a knife blade plunging into my heart. It went without saying that none of the displayed photos were of me. Jasper had moved on, he was comfortable, he had someone or several someones to be with. A part of me was glad. Despite the jealousy that gnawed at my insides, I wanted him to be happy. I wanted to know that I hadn't done permanent damage, not to him, anyway, even if the damage was permanent to us. But the other part of me ached. It mourned the finality of Seth's words and the loss of hope.

Of course, what would Jasper think if he knew about me and Cliff? It's not like I was exactly single, waiting to welcome him back with open arms. I had formed an attachment, fallen in love again. Basically I was a giant hypocrite and I wasn't being fair to anyone. Not to me, not to Jasper, and especially not to Cliff. God, I had really been unfair to Cliff. From the very start he had been patient, and gentle, and understanding. He put up with all of my doubts and insecurities and helped me to overcome them. He made me feel special and loved. He was always there when I needed him. Hell, he'd even been there for my sister. And how did I pay him back? The only time he ever asked me for something he wanted, I didn't even have the courtesy to give him a response. I just kept him hanging, selfishly avoiding my own fears and thinking nothing of his needs.

"Seth, am I gonna lose Cliff? Is it too late?" I voiced my thoughts instead of following our conversation, but Seth had no trouble keeping up with me.

"I can't answer that. I'm not a psychic. I think it all depends on what you plan to do and how soon. Cliff has obviously been ready to move things forward since he came back in September and you've kept him in limbo all this time. It's time to make a decision one way or another. What are you going to do? Other than Jasper, is there anything holding you back?"

"Not really."

Seth crossed his arms and turned down his chin, looking up at me from beneath brows that were drawn together in a frown.

"It just seems like, I don't know, like a commitment."

His frown only deepened.

"It feels very serious," I kept trying to explain. "Like a gateway to more. I mean, look at Maggie and Rose. They moved in together and then, a year later, they had the ceremony and now Liam. I just don't know if I'm ready for that," I finished lamely.

Seth threw his arms up in the air, jumped off the sofa and started pacing the room.

"Jesus, Cullen, seriously, are you even listening to yourself? I mean, clearly I don't love commitment, so I can understand anyone who is really averse to it, but you certainly didn't seem that way before. I mean, you spent practically every free minute over at his place anyway. Living together can lead to all those things you mentioned, but it doesn't have to. And, try though you may, I don't see Cliff getting pregnant any time soon, so that's something you obviously don't need to worry about."

"Ha ha, Seth. Very funny," I said bitterly. He sat down beside me.

"I'm not trying to be funny," he said. "I just think Cliff is very confused right now, and he has the right to be. He loves you and you say you love him, and yet you don't want to move in with him, even though there's no good reason not to and plenty of good reasons to do it, and you only go over there to scratch your itch when it's convenient for you. How do you think that makes him feel?"

"I don't... I mean, I'm not...," I stuttered. "I mean yes, we do fuck every time I go there, but that's only because we both want it after not seeing each other for a while. It's not just for me."

"So you've made an effort to go over there when he needed you, not just when it suited your fancy and schedule?"

I looked away, ashamed. I hadn't done that, and Seth knew without having to hear me say it.

"So for months, now, you've basically been making booty calls, making your boyfriend feel like any moment you're gonna start leaving money on the dresser, and you're wondering why Cliff's thinking about what he wants to do with his future?"

"Seth, I didn't mean any of it that way," I protested.

"Maybe you didn't. And knowing Cliff, he probably understood how you meant it. But he probably also hoped for more, and you've given him no reason to believe he'll ever get more from you."

I looked at him helplessly. He was right. I hadn't given Cliff any reason to think anything would change between us. I was reminded of the first time he asked me to make love to him. I realized then that if he needed someone to do that and I didn't want to, he would probably find someone else who did. How could I forget that when he asked me to move in? I'd been too cocky. I'd become too confident that I was irreplaceable. And now it could cost me everything.

Though maybe all was not lost. I could still talk to him, I could still tell him how much he meant to me, how much I wanted to be with him. I could still tell him my answer to moving in was yes. But was I ready to make that change? I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to picture my life if I moved in with Cliff. I saw us doing all the same things that we typically did on the weekends - shopping, cooking, studying, relaxing, making love - there was absolutely nothing scary or intimidating in that image. I also saw us coming back to Maggie and Rose's place, my bedroom turned into a nursery for Liam, and that was a good image too. Yes, it felt a little strange to think about basically abandoning the only place I ever lived with Jasper, but Seth was right, I needed to move on, just like he apparently had.

"I do want to move in with Cliff," I said quietly. "And thanks to you," I looked over at him, gratefully, "I think I'm finally ready."

"Good. So don't wait. Call him and tell him," he ordered. I grimaced.

"I can't. He's out to dinner with his parents."

"All right, so tell him later, when he calls you after he gets in."

I looked down at the floor.

"Edward, what's going on? What haven't you told me?"

"He's not gonna call me tonight," I admitted.

"Why not?"

"He said he didn't want me to have to wake up, since the baby would probably wake me too."

"But you don't buy that," Seth pressed.

"I don't know. I told him it didn't matter, asked him to call anyway, but," I hesitated. "The way he sounded at the airport, before he left... I think he just may not want to talk to me."

"Why?"

"I don't know why," I snapped. "Would I be here if I did?"

Seth jumped up and started pacing again, angrily.

"I'm sorry," I offered, scared that my outburst would cause him to toss me out.

"You know, Edward," he stopped pacing and pointed at me with his index finger. "I can't help you if you hide things from me. There's something important that I'm missing. Now, what is it? Has anything happened recently that you're conveniently forgetting to tell me? Have you had any fights? Disagreements?"

I furrowed my brow trying to think. There really hadn't been anything. For a moment my mind settled on the night Cliff asked me to go to Spokane for the holidays, recalling how cold he had been the rest of that evening, but I promptly dismissed it. We had settled that issue the following morning and never spoke of it again. That couldn't have been it.

"What is it? What are you thinking about?" Seth's insistent tone broke through my recollections.

"It's nothing."

"Tell me!"

I instantly knew arguing with him was pointless.

"He asked me to go home to Spokane with him for the holidays," I explained. "And he was upset for a while when I told him no, but we were fine the next day. He even apologized."

"You told him no?" Seth was incredulous. "Why?"

"I'd promised to spend Christmas with you, and it's Liam's first Christmas."

It happened so quickly I hardly had time to comprehend it. One moment Seth was standing in the center of the living room, and the next his open palm was hitting my forehead with a resounding thunk.

"Ouch, Seth!" I cried, instinctively raising my own hand to the spot that hurt like hell and started rubbing it for comfort. "What the fuck?"

"I never promised not to hurt you," he commented. "Especially when you so deserve it. Besides, I figure you don't have a brain in your head anyway, so it shouldn't hurt too bad."

"Well it does," I muttered. "What was that for?"

"It was to hopefully shake up what little brains you had to make you see what a moron you are. Your boyfriend, who you've been neglecting for months now, asks you to go home for the holidays with him, and you say no? Because you'd rather spend time with the infant you've been hiding behind all this time, the infant who can't tell one day from the next, couldn't care less about Christmas and won't remember what little of it he'll be awake for? I swear Edward, for a smart guy, you can be as dumb as a pile of rocks!"

"Well, even if he won't know it now, there'll be pictures,"

"Oh, come on. You could take a picture with him in front of a tree tomorrow and call it Christmas. Besides, if you're not here for Christmas Eve, the girls can leave town earlier instead of having to travel on Christmas day and making the rest of the family wait for them."

I started to flush. Seth was making my desire to be with Maggie, Rose and Liam on Christmas Eve sound very selfish.

"What about you? I don't want to leave you alone for the holidays," I tried to defend myself.

"Oh no, you don't! You will not use me as an excuse for your cowardice and thoughtlessness. I'm an adult. I have other friends. And anyway, Leah decided to come out here for Christmas and New Year's. So while I'd love to spend the holiday with you if we're both in town, you certainly didn't need to turn down other plans to stay here with me. And you especially didn't need to turn down Cliff!"

"Your sister's coming? You didn't tell me," I latched on to that bit of news in an effort to ignore everything else he'd said. He shrugged.

"I just found out a couple of days ago and I haven't seen you. She's thinking of moving out here. Apparently Indianapolis is not really suiting her lifestyle. Knowing my sister, I don't know how she lasted out there as long as she had. She would be much happier here."

Of this I had no doubt. Leah Clearwater had much in common with her brother, both of them having a seemingly insatiable appetite for sexual conquests. I smiled a little, remembering her attempt to lure me into bisexuality when she flew in for Seth's graduation. She was aggressive, but it was easy to resist her, especially with Cliff at my side. At the thought of Cliff my face fell. Would he ever be at my side again?

"I fucked up," I said resignedly.

"Yeah, you did," Seth agreed, but offered nothing more.

"So what do I do to fix it?"

Seth looked up at the ceiling and raised his arms dramatically, as if seeking Divine intervention, before looking back down at me.

"Do I have to slap your forehead again? You go to him, you apologize and then you tell him how you feel. And then you apologize again. And you better get him a nice gift. Something that really says "I Love You," he paused for a moment, then frowned. "Oh, never mind. You don't have time to go shopping. You need to be on the first available plane out to Spokane tomorrow. You can take care of the gift when you come back. But you better find a florist when you get there before you see him. Cliff would appreciate a bouquet. And get a poinsettia for his mom, too!" he directed. I watched him, my brows drawn together. "What?" he asked, exasperated.

"You really think I should fly out there, unannounced?" I asked, with no small amount of trepidation. I'd tried this once before, with pretty disastrous results. I wasn't eager for a repeat of that experience, especially without Emmett around. "Maybe it would be better if I called?"

Seth sat down beside me and grabbed my chin, forcing me to look straight at him. "When are you ever going to trust that I know what I'm doing. What did I say when you came in here with that idea to see Jasper?"

"You said not to go," I answered quietly.

"Good. And what am I saying now?"

"You're telling me to go, but. . ." I wanted to believe that he had all the answers, but I was terrified too. I couldn't face losing both Jasper and Cliff in the same way. I couldn't stomach the thought of Cliff slamming the door in my face when he saw me on his doorstep.

"Jasper wasn't ready to see you when you went. Cliff will want nothing more than to see you when you tell him you love him and want to live with him. You need to be there, in Spokane. You need to let him experience that moment with you by his side. He isn't hiding from you. He won't feel ambushed, the way Jasper did. He will be thrilled to see you," Seth said earnestly. He almost had me convinced, but fear was still holding me back.

"Okay," Seth sighed. "Here's what you'll do..." He proceeded to give me step by step instructions on exactly what I needed to do and say. By the time he was done, there was nothing left to do but pack and make plane reservations. Seth told me to go to my place and get started booking the flight, and I obeyed. Fortunately, there was still enough time until Christmas so getting a seat on the early morning flight wasn't a problem. I finalized the ticket purchase making sure, on Seth's advice, that I was booked back on the same return flight as Cliff. Then I went out into the living room to tell the girls that I was going to Spokane.

Maggie and Rose were actually very supportive of the trip, though they gave me all kinds of shit for not telling them everything sooner and for using them and their son as an excuse to avoid facing my own feelings about moving out of the apartment. Before they could berate me too badly, though, Seth came over with a camera. Excitedly, he told us to grab Liam and pose for a picture in front of the Christmas tree. As soon as he took the picture, Seth left again, leaving the three of us extremely puzzled. After a moment we just shrugged and I went back to my room to pack. Before I was even halfway done Seth came back.

"It turned out great!" he announced proudly. "Edward, come out here and see."

I walked back out into the living room reluctantly, wondering what possibly could have gotten my little friend so excited, to find him triumphantly holding up a photograph. I looked to Rose and Maggie, but they seemed as confused as I was.

"You printed it?" I asked. "You could have just e-mailed."

"I'll do that too, but look!" he ordered, thrusting the photo at me. I took it from him. Maggie, Rosalie and I stood in front of the tree smiling, the two of them flanking me and little Liam in my arms. It was a sweet photo and I made a mental note to get a frame for it so I could put it up on display.

"It's great, Seth. Thanks!" I said, though I was still confused as to why he had bothered to print it right away.

"You're welcome," he said, crossing his arms in front of him. "Now really look at it."

I had no idea what he was talking about, but I looked at the photo again, more carefully this time. That's when I noticed the date stamp. It said December 24. I looked up at him with wide eyes.

"But that's lying!" I protested.

"It's a little white lie and he'll never know. In a few years even you won't remember. See, I have the powers to change the future!"

"What is it?" Rosalie asked, walking over and taking the photograph from me to look at it herself.

"Edward wanted to spend Liam's first Christmas Eve with him," Seth said. "And now he has proof that he did."

I shook my head in disbelief as Rosalie burst out laughing. "That was very clever, Pipsqueak," she commended. Seth just gave us a self-satisfied nod. Rose passed the photograph to Maggie. My sister started laughing as well.

"Who says you can't be in two places at the same time?" she asked. "I think Seth just proved he can override the laws of physics."

Seth just waved his hand. "There. Now you no longer have any reason to stay. So finish packing and tell me what time I need to get you to the airport tomorrow morning."

The next day Seth dropped me off at the airport, as promised. I was still scared as hell, but I went through security and got on the plane and spent the entire flight rehearsing everything that I wanted to say to Cliff. Once I landed I rented a car and drove to the florist I found on-line the previous night. I purchased a Christmas arrangement for Cliff's mom and a bouquet for him. It felt a little silly, buying another guy flowers, but I wasn't about to disregard any of Seth's advice this time, and I had a feeling that of all the men I knew, Cliff would be the one who would appreciate flowers the most.

I followed the maps I printed out to get to Cliff's parents' house and, as Seth instructed, pulled up to the curb, a few houses down from theirs. I took a deep breath and pulled out my mobile. It was late enough in the day by now that I could call him without worrying too much that I would be waking him up. Still, as I stared at the keypad, I hesitated. What if he didn't pick up? I'd leave a message, of course, but then where would I go and what would I do? I couldn't very well sit here in a parked rental until one of the neighbors called the cops. I sighed, and decided to deal with that situation when it came up, and not before. I put my thumb over the number of Cliff's speed dial, closed my eyes and pressed, simultaneously lifting the phone to my ear. The phone rang only twice on the other end before he picked up.

"Good morning," he said. "This is a pleasant surprise."

"Good morning, Sunshine. I missed talking to you last night. In fact, I really missed you. I don't like when you're so far away."

I cringed a little when, instead of an immediate reply, I heard a soft sigh. "I miss you too, of course," he finally said. "But it's only been a day. We've been apart longer than that even when we're in the same city."

It was embarrassing and maddening to realize that, had I not talked to Seth about this the previous night, I would have totally missed this clue about what Cliff was feeling. It would likely have gone right over my head. How many other conversations had there been, exactly like this, where he subtly tried let me know what was going on and I ignored all the signs?

"Yes, I know, and I wanted to talk to you about that, but first I need to tell you that I realized something last night."

"What's that, Edward?" he was cautious and reserved. I never hated the sound of my full name as much as I did in that moment.

"I realized that I was stupid when I told you I couldn't go with you to Spokane for the holidays. I realized I don't want us not to be together for our first Christmas. It wouldn't be a happy holiday for me without you by my side. I'd just spend the entire time thinking about you and moping."

"But," I could hear a slight lift of hope in his voice, coming through the hesitancy. "What about Seth, and Liam?"

"I spoke with Seth and Leah is coming to Seattle for Christmas, so he'll be fine. And he would have been anyway, even if she weren't coming. He has other friends in town and I'm sure Rose and Mags would have asked him to go home with them too. As for Liam, he has no clue it's Christmas and will never know if I'm there or not. I was a dumbass, Cliff, plain and simple. I was scared of meeting your family and I used Liam and Seth as excuses so I wouldn't have to admit my fears. But I'm done with that now, and I'd really like to spend the holidays with you. Is the invitation for me to come to Spokane still open?" I waited with bated breath, heart thundering in my chest, fear displacing the oxygen in my lungs. Please say "yes"! Please say "yes"! Please say "yes"!

"Of course it is!" his response was prompt, his voice filled with happiness. "Hold on a second, I'll just run up and get on the net to book your flight. You can pick up the ticket at the airport."

"Wait," I said quickly, hoping I stopped him before he went too far. "There's no need to do that." As I was talking I got out of the car and opened the back door, taking out his flowers from the back seat and slamming both sets of doors shut.

"Why not?" he asked, hesitant again. "What's going on?"

"Well, I was actually hoping your answer would be yes," I said, walking up to the house. "So I kind of made a booking of my own already. Are you near the front door?"

"Yes," there was excitement in his voice now. "Eddie, what did you do?"

"Look outside," I requested, breaking out into a jog to get even closer to the house. I was still a few feet away when I saw the door open, framing my Sunshine within. I stopped and stared at him. It hadn't even been 24 hours since I last saw him, but it felt like it'd been ages, and I couldn't wait to have him in my arms.

"Oh my God," he said, still speaking into the phone. "You're here! You're actually here!" he looked at the phone, suddenly realizing that it was no longer necessary. He flipped it closed, sliding it into his pocket as he began running towards me, his face stretched into that incredible, joyous smile. I pocketed my phone as well and opened my arms just in time to have him jump into them, wrapping his arms around my neck and his legs around my waist, the way I'd so often seen Seth do with Emmett. I did my best to maintain my balance and hold onto both him and the flowers as he locked his lips onto mine in a searing welcome kiss.

"Oh, Eddie," he said when he finally pulled back, his voice just a little breathless, "I'm so happy to see you. So happy you came. But why the phone call? Why not just come up to the house?"

"Um..." I couldn't quite look at him. This wasn't the right moment to bring up what happened the last time I'd tried this. But, of course, I didn't have to bring it up. Cliff understood almost immediately. He didn't say anything, though, just jumped down off me and leaned in to kiss me again. "I love you, and I'm so very glad you're here."

"I'm glad to be here. I got you these, to apologize for being such a ginormous tool!" I said as I offered him the flowers. He laughed as he took them from me them.

"There was no need, but apology accepted and thank you! These are gorgeous. Let's go in so I can put them in some water." He grabbed my hand and started pulling me into the house.

"I have something for your mom as well," I said. "But it's still in the car."

"Oh," he paused for a moment. "Mom's at work right now anyway, so let's leave it there for a while and just take care of these right now."

"Okay," I was relieved to hear that his mom wasn't home, and I assumed his father was at work as well. It looked like we could have a private talk before I had to meet the parents.

Cliff's parents' house was large and tastefully decorated. We walked into a spacious foyer with a double semi-circular staircase, draped with festive artificial pine garland, that led up to a balcony landing before continuing in a straight broad single staircase up to the second floor. There were two doors in the paneling lining the staircase, one opened to reveal a powder room, the other, presumably, a coat closet. A formal living room and dining room flanked the foyer, while a narrower hallway to the right of the stairs led to the back of the house. I followed Cliff down the hallway to the sprawling modern kitchen that spilled over to the breakfast nook and great room, anchored by a massive river stone-faced fireplace and currently dominated by an elegantly decorated huge Frasier Fir. As I looked up it was clear that the ceilings on this floor were higher than in most homes, at least 10 feet, giving the entire area a dramatic feel.

"Great house," I complimented as I watched Cliff take a vase out of a cabinet and a pair of shears out of a drawer. He filled the vase with water, adding the plant food provided by the florist, then cut the stems of the flowers under running water before arranging them in the vase.

"Thanks," he replied. "My mom likes it, but she is constantly tinkering with the decor. These really are gorgeous," he said, stepping back form the counter to admire the flowers from a greater distance. "Thank you so much. I will leave them down here for now, but tonight I want to take them into my... I mean our bedroom."

I looked over at him quickly, noticing the slip. "Will that be all right? I mean, I don't mind sleeping in the guest room or even getting a hotel."

"Don't be ridiculous," he scoffed. "Of course you'll stay here and we'll be spending the nights together. Gio and I used to do that when we came home from school, alternating between here and his house. You're my boyfriend and my parents know very well I'm not a virgin, and they would never ask us to pretend to be something we're not. Of course, we may want to keep the noise down..." he said slyly.

"That in itself will be a challenge," I replied, arranging my face into mock worry, making him smile even wider.

"Well, no one's home right now, so maybe we'd better get some of this louder stuff out of our system?" He proposed, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

I smiled, but didn't respond for a moment. "I'd really love that, you know I would," I finally said. "But could we talk first? I do have some things I need to tell you."

His smile faded slightly. "Of course. Let's sit in the hearth room. We'll be more comfortable."

We walked to the other side of the giant open space. Cliff carried the flowers and placed them in the center of the breakfast table on the way. We settled down on the large leather sectional and I turned to him, taking his hand.

"I am so sorry, Cliff," I began. "I've behaved like a selfish bastard all fall, and you have every right to consider whether you would be better off without me in your future."

He started open his mouth to interrupt, but paused when I held up my hand.

"Just let me get this all out, because I'm not good at doing this and I'm worried if I don't finish now I might chicken out, or do something even more stupid than what I've already done. I swear, when I'm finished I will shut up and listen to everything you have to tell me."

I looked at him quizzically, seeking his approval, and breathed a sigh of relief when he nodded.

"All right," I nodded to myself, summoning up the courage to tell him everything, and the hope that it would help repair what we had instead of tearing us further apart. "You know that this summer I missed you terribly, and I was so happy to see you back in Seattle. And then when you said," I stopped, revising my speech as I went along. "When we said we loved each other, that was an amazing day. One of the happiest days in my life. But then when you asked me to move in with you, suddenly I felt overwhelmed and scared, and unsure. My apartment has not always been a source of happy memories, but even so, it holds so many memories, I wasn't sure I was ready to let it, them, go. So I stalled, and then Maggie was put on bed rest and it made sense for me to stay."

Cliff started to speak again, but caught himself before any sound came out.

"I know you understood that. I do. You are one of the kindest people in the world and I know you wanted to help Maggie just as much as I did. But that situation, as legitimate as it was, gave me something to hide behind, to postpone the discussion instead of confronting it and being honest with you about what I was feeling. I used my sister and her pregnancy as a shield, so I wouldn't have to give you an answer.

"That was bad enough. But what happened after Liam was born was even worse, because I stayed there, pretending to help, when my help wasn't really necessary. It was cowardly, hiding behind my sister and my nephew, only thinking about my own needs instead of yours. I wasn't fair to you, and I am so sorry.

"Yesterday at the airport, when you said you needed time to think, and when you implied that your future might not include me in it, I was devastated and blindsided. I'd been so selfish, I didn't even realize how much you'd been hurting. But I did a lot of thinking and I realize it now. And I also know that when I look at my future, I don't want to think of a future without you in it. So even though I may not have the right to ask you, I'm asking anyway. Please don't leave. Please consider staying with me and let me try to do this better. Let me try to be the guy you deserve. I'm ready to move in with you, and I want for us to be together, all the time. I just hope it's not too late."

I watched two fat tears flow down his cheeks and my heart clenched painfully as I brought my hand up to his face to wipe them off.

"God, Sunshine, please don't cry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry. I love you so much, knowing that I'm doing this to you is killing me. Should I stop? Do you want me to go?"

Cliff shook his head vehemently. "I don't want to interrupt you," he said. "Is it okay for me to say something?"

"Of course," I realized with horror that when I asked him not to interrupt me earlier he had taken it as some sort of an edict. "I'm so sorry. I'm so stupid. I should have let you speak before. Jesus, I can't even apologize right!"

Cliff grabbed my face with both hands and kissed me, taking me by surprise and stopping me from saying anything else. It was a hard, passionate kiss, full of emotion. I returned it with every ounce of feeling I had, but I still didn't know if this was a kiss of forgiveness or goodbye, especially as I felt tears continually roll down Cliff's face.

"You talk too much and get yourself too worked up sometimes," Cliff sniffled and wiped his eyes with the back of his wrist as he pulled away. "It's my turn now, so be quiet and listen.

"I know you, Edward Cullen, very well. Sometimes I think I know you better than you know yourself. You may not have realized until just now what was happening this fall, but I knew all along. And all along I could have said something to stop it and force the issue. I didn't, because I was a coward too. I was afraid if I pushed you to make a decision, you wouldn't choose me, and I wasn't ready to let you go. And I'm still not ready to let you go. But when you didn't want to come home with me for Christmas, I finally realized I had to prepare for the possibility that my future might not include you.

"I knew eventually we would have to deal with that question, and with my graduation approaching, it would have to be sooner rather than later, because some of my decisions will very much depend on what's going on with us. But I haven't given up on us, Edward. You didn't even give me a full day to try to think about what my life would be like without you in it. And if you really feel the way you just told me, then I don't want to waste even one second thinking about it. I love you and I want to be with you, as long as it's what you want too."

I grabbed him and pulled him to me, holding him as closely and as tightly as I could. "That," I assured him, "is exactly what I want."

We continued talking and apologizing. Eventually words turned into kisses and caresses, which started out slow and sweet, but soon grew heated and more passionate. Out of respect for his parents, we stopped long enough to make our way up the stairs and into Cliff's bedroom, before disrobing completely and falling into his bed to make love. Afterwards we napped, with me sleeping longer after my restless night and early morning to get to the airport for the first flight out. After I woke we showered, got dressed and had lunch, then moved my rental into Cliff's driveway and brought in my things. Cliff called his parents to let them know of my arrival, saying only that I had been able to re-arrange my plans so I could spend Christmas in Spokane after all. Afterwards he explained that when his parents pressed him for a reason why I didn't come out with him for the holidays, he told them my family requested that I be there for Liam's first Christmas.

"It was a partial truth," he explained, a slight blush covering his cheeks. "I just couldn't bring myself to tell them you yourself preferred to stay in Seattle. I wasn't ready to publicly acknowledge that you didn't want to be here with me."

I wrapped my arms around him and held him closely again. "I'm so sorry, Sunshine, for putting you in that position. And I'm so happy you didn't tell them the whole truth. It would make this stay a bit awkward, I think, even if we're all right now."

"Yes," he nodded. "Gio and I learned pretty early on that it was better not to let our parents know every time we had a disagreement. I'm glad I still remembered that lesson. Oh!" he perked up. "I should let Bruce and Tyrone know you're here. They will definitely want to meet you. Maybe we can go to their house for dinner tomorrow night?"

"Sure Cliff, whatever works best for you and them. I'm here for you," I murmured, unable to deny him anything after the way I behaved all fall, even if I felt extremely uneasy at the prospect of meeting the parents of my boyfriend's former lover. I knew, however, that this meeting was important to Cliff, so I was ready to be on my best behavior in an effort to impress the men he considered his extra set of fathers.

"They'll be here for Christmas Eve dinner as well," Cliff explained, "But I don't think they'll want to wait that long. Plus, I want you to see their house. It's very cool. They travel all over the world and collect really interesting art pieces. The first time I went over there I thought I'd stepped into a museum."

He called Bruce and made the arrangements. As he expected, we were invited over for the following night. Apparently this was going to be Bruce's last official day at the office for the year, so the following day he'd be able to prepare dinner.

"We're lucky," Cliff explained. "They're both great cooks but with their jobs they don't get a chance to do it often. And Bruce especially really misses it. I have a feeling we'll be in for quite a treat."

Cliff explained that because he enjoyed cooking, it fell to him to prepare dinner when he was home for breaks and not otherwise engaged, so I helped him make the salad, garlic crostini and Shrimp Fra Diavolo over linguine, with lemon ricotta cookies for desert. By the time his parents came home the table was set and we were ready to serve. Cliff's parents were so warm and seemed so happy to meet me, I instantly felt comfortable. His mom, Amelia, gave me a tight hug and told me that it meant the world to them and Cliff to have me there. Cliff's father, Thorpe, was just slightly more reserved, greeting me with a firm handshake and pronouncing that it was good to finally meet the guy he'd heard so much about. I gave Cliff a sidelong glance, wondering what exactly he'd been telling his parents about me, but he just shrugged and smiled.

Dinner was very pleasant, though Cliff's family naturally wanted to know about mine, and talking about my parents made things a little awkward. I explained that my father was a doctor and Chief of Staff at Forks Hospital, and that my mom was a homemaker and was involved with several charities. I also told them that I was raised as an only child, and found out only when I was older that I had a half-sister. Fortunately, Cliff's parents didn't ask for full birth dates, so there was no need to explain my father's marital infidelity. Amelia commented how nice it was for Maggie and me to form such a close bond without having grown up together and, though that didn't go nearly far enough to describe it, I agreed.

While Amelia covered the family front, Thorpe asked about academics and my career aspirations. I told him about my passion for conservation and my intent to work for the National Park Service or a similar organization, fervently hoping that Cliff had already paved the way and his parents weren't expecting a future lawyer or accountant. For the first time ever I felt I was being evaluated not just in my own right, but as a long-term partner for someone else, and that was a bit disconcerting. Cliff's parents were obviously very successful, and I wondered if a park ranger to be measured up to the expectations they had set in their minds for their son. I knew Gio had been studying business administration and accounting, hoping to follow in Bruce's footsteps. As a park ranger, with a government salary, I wouldn't be in the same league, nor have the same potential. And if I failed to get an NPS position, the prospects with environmental not-for-profits were even dimmer, at least financially speaking. I knew I was getting way ahead of myself, but I was actually getting very agitated. And the fact that no one at the table said anything about the financial implications of my chosen career, instead asking questions about my volunteer experiences with what seemed like genuine interest in my replies, did nothing to calm my nerves. It merely made me wonder if the fact that they weren't talking about it meant that they had already dismissed me as a long-term prospect for Cliff. I tried to continue the conversation and did my best to hide my agitation, but from the way Cliff looked at me I could see he noticed something was wrong.

"Is everyone ready for dessert?" he finally asked. "Edward, can you help me get the coffee?"

"Oh, no, Sweetheart," Amelia protested. "Edward is a guest. He did enough work today already. I'll get the coffee."

"It's quite all right, Mrs. Barringer," I quickly threw in, fighting to grab the lifeline Cliff had thrown me. "Cliff and I started this dinner together and we should finish it together. Besides, it's my pleasure."

"All right, then," she relented with a smile as I jumped up and helped Cliff gather the dinnerware before following him into the kitchen. As soon as I placed the dishes in the sink, Cliff pulled me into his arms.

"What's the matter, Eddie?" he asked, looking at me with concern. "You're all jittery. Don't you like my parents?"

"No," I quickly denied, not wanting him to get the wrong impression. "Your parents have been very nice. I like them a lot. It's just," I hesitated, fully cognizant of how ridiculous my fears really were.

"It's just what?"

"It's just I'm worried they won't like me," I confessed. Cliff's eyes grew wide with surprise.

"Eddie, they already like you. You have nothing to worry about. You're making a great impression."

I shook my head, reluctant to accept his word. I knew in the past, parents of my friends never liked me. At best, they were respectful or fearful of me, but they never really liked me. Jasper didn't think I noticed, but I always knew his mother didn't care for me and watched me like a hawk, just waiting for me to make a mistake that would lead her to step in and break up our friendship. And his step-father only put up with me because I was a Cullen. The Barnes were different only in that they didn't want me hanging around their kid, while every other set of parents in town did, but only because it would mean something for their family and their kid, not because they thought any better of me personally. And that was when everyone thought I had something to offer, like money and influence. Here, in Spokane, I didn't even have that.

"Edward," Cliff said, sternly enough to make me look up and take notice. "You know I'm good at reading people, and I'm especially good at reading people I've known all my life. My parents like you very much. I don't know why you'd think otherwise."

"Don't you think they want you dating someone with a little more potential and ambition than a guy who wants to be a park ranger?"

Recognition dawned in his eyes, promptly replaced by mirth. He pulled me into a tight hug and started laughing. His laugh was clear and genuine and I couldn't help but smile.

"You're adorable, you know that?" he asked. Then continued when I didn't respond, "As long as it's not illegal or immoral, my parents don't really care what someone does. In fact, my father has always told me and Wenn how much he admires people who go into public service. I'm sure my parents are just as impressed by your commitment to conservation and the environment as I was. And I bet my mom would think you're just as cute in your uniform as I do."

I smiled wider and looked up at him, now slightly embarrassed. "I guess I had a mini panic attack, huh? Sorry about that."

"Totally unnecessary," he assured me. "I think it's kind of cute that you're worried about what my parents think. That's a little unusual for you," his teasing was gentle. "It must mean you like me or something."

"Something like that," I teased right back and then kissed him. "And we'd better get the cookies and coffee before your parents come in here to see what we're up to."

"And heaven forbid they see their son kissing the man he loves," Cliff's teasing continued, but he pulled away and started pouring coffee from the carafe into a pot that matched the cups we had stacked earlier on a tray destined for the dining room.

The rest of the evening went smoothly. After dessert we adjourned to the great room, where the conversation continued. Cliff's mom, behaving about as stereotypically as she could, dug out photo albums of Cliff and Wenn growing up. I noticed she teared up a little as we started looking through the pictures and assured her that we didn't need to do it for my benefit, but she just put her hand over mine and said that even though it was hard, it was also good to remember the happy times, especially at Christmas.

As corny as I knew it was, I actually really liked looking at pictures of Cliff and Wenn when they were babies and little kids, though in some pictures I still couldn't tell the two of them apart. I found myself really wishing I could have met Wenn, though, of course, I knew that if he had still been alive, I would have never met Cliff in the first place. My head swirled with confusing thoughts about fate and destiny and how the seemingly insignificant choices we make, end up impacting the course of our life. It took another photo album, this time of the boys throughout high school, to finally snap me out of my thoughts. Amelia tried to close the album right before we got to Cliff's senior year, but he stopped her.

"It's okay, mom," he said. "Edward's seen all of these anyway. We don't keep things from each other."

He was right. I had seen all the photos of him and Gio and the two of them with Wenn and Ashleigh, and the pictures didn't bother me anymore. I knew I owed Gio a lot and I was no longer threatened by him. I only wished I could be as casual about Jasper as Cliff seemed to be about Gio. But even though I had done this with Cliff back in Seattle, had shown him all the photos I had of Jasper and told him everything about us, I knew I still hadn't truly accepted Jasper's loss. Maybe it was because of how he left and because he was still alive, so there was still the opportunity to re-address what I did? Maybe a part of me hoped that although I had made so many mistakes and messed up so many chances to fix them, I could still have another go at it, could still try to make everything up to him again. Except that I knew from Seth that this was no more possible now than it had been before, and that the smartest thing I could do, for me, Jasper and Cliff, was to just forget all about Jasper, to permanently let him go. And the fact that I couldn't force myself to do it, despite knowing it was the best and smartest course of action, was eating me up inside.

That night, as we lay in the dark in Cliff's bed after we simultaneously, quietly, neatly, and most satisfyingly sucked each other off, Cliff draped himself over my chest and looked into my eyes.

"So how long did you wait after leaving the airport yesterday before you called Seth?"

He knew. There was no denying the truth. "I called him after I knew you arrived in Spokane, when you said you didn't want to talk that night. I tried to figure things out on my own but couldn't, and I knew Seth would be able to. I wish I could honestly tell you I realized all this myself, without any help," I told him sincerely.

"Sometimes the most important realization you can make is that you need help. Obviously, I'm very glad you called him."

"He already knew everything, the little shit. He's known for months."

"I had a feeling he knew." Cliff agreed. "He wouldn't be Seth if he didn't"

"But why didn't he say something sooner? So much time could have been saved."

"Because he knew I wouldn't have wanted him to tell you. I think if he and I weren't friends, he may have been more forthcoming with you, but he stayed quiet out of respect for me. I told you, I wasn't ready to push the issue, and he didn't want to force me to."

"We're really lucky to have him in our lives," I said, suddenly having a whole new appreciation for my little friend.

"Yeah, we really are," Cliff muttered sleepily, resting his cheek on my chest.

The next day I insisted that we go shopping. I hadn't planned on coming out to Spokane so I didn't have anything for either set of Cliff's parents, and I intended to remedy that before Christmas Eve. Despite the season, the mall we went to wasn't completely packed, probably owing to the fact that it was middle of the day on a weekday. Shopping with Cliff was fun, and we started off together, picking out some new clothes for each other for the winter term. We grabbed a quick lunch at the food court then had our picture taken with Santa, to the absolute horror of all the mothers in line with their kids. I got a few copies of that one, figuring we'd put it up in the apartment and Maggie and Rose might like it as well. After lunch we split up so I could complete my Christmas shopping, making plans to meet at the exit closest to our car. Cliff had given me some gift suggestions for everyone, so shopping wasn't as difficult as it might have been. I completed all my tasks in plenty of time. I even had time to stop at the jewelry store and pick out matching chains and pendants for Cliff and me that I was absolutely certain he'd love. Pleased with myself, I started walking toward the meeting point, but stopped short when, from a distance, I saw Cliff talking with another man. There was something about the other guy I didn't like, especially when he grabbed Cliff's hand in what at first seemed intended as a handshake, but lasted entirely too long, until Cliff nearly had to yank his hand back. He looked away from the guy at that moment and in my direction. Our eyes met and I saw alarm in his. Instantly energized, I picked up my pace and strode over to them as quickly as I could, weaving around the slow walkers in front of me.

"Edward!" Cliff said with relief when I was within hearing distance. "Did you get all your shopping done?"

"Yeah, I did, Cliff," I leaned over and kissed him softly before turning to the other man, filled with suspicion and a bit of hostility. I looked him over carefully. He was my height with an athletic build, good looking with dark eyes and dark hair.

"Edward, this is Derek, a high school friend," Cliff introduced. "Derek, this is my boyfriend, Edward."

Derek and I shook hands, both gripping tightly, testing each other. I looked him over again. I had an advantage in that I knew exactly who he was, whereas he knew nothing about me. This was the guy who generously let Cliff kiss and blow him in high school in the name of friendship, even though he was supposedly straight. Looking at him now, I pretty much saw myself. He didn't scream gay, but the way I'd seen him holding Cliff's hand, I had a feeling he was passing.

"Derek and I haven't seen each other since the accident," Cliff explained. "He and Wenn were on the basketball team together," he reminded me, though I already recalled that bit of history. "He was just offering his condolences."

I nodded, but narrowed my eyes anyway. I saw the way this guy looked at Cliff, with a little too much longing, especially after I walked up, and I knew condolences weren't all he wanted to offer. It was only my arrival that knocked the wind right out of his sails.

"Right," he said now, not meeting my eyes. "So I guess Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and all that," he said, sounding less than sincere, "and if you ever need to talk, Cliff, about Wenn, or anything else, give me a call. My parents have my number. It was nice to meet you, Edward," he finally looked at me and I could see hostility in his eyes as well, though we both shook hands again, very politely.

"Good to see you, Cliff," he reached for Cliff's hand again and it was all I could do not to knock him back. Instead, I just watched the thankfully brief shake and then, rather reluctantly, Derek moved on. I reached for Cliff and pulled him close.

"Whew. I'm glad you got here when you did," he whispered. "That was starting to get a little awkward. He wanted to get together and didn't seem to believe me when I told him I was with someone."

"I'm just sorry I didn't get here sooner. Do you want me to go after him to teach him that no, even said politely, means no?"

Cliff leaned back to look at me and smiled, then ran a hand through my hair, pushing it back off my forehead. "Thank you, my knight in shining armor, but that's not necessary. He's a nice guy, just a little too persistent. You saw he backed off as soon as he realized I was telling the truth."

"Still managed to ask you to call him, though," I said, my voice tight with anger. "Right in front of me, too," the hit to my ego still smarted a little.

"He can ask, but I'll never have the need to call him. Not as long as I have you," Cliff's reassurance was punctuated with a kiss. I glanced to the side and saw Derek watching us from a distance, so I deliberately leaned over and kissed Cliff in a way that would erase any doubts Derek might have had about the nature of our relationship, before we left the mall to get ready for dinner with Bruce and Tyrone.

As nervous as I had been about meeting Cliff's parents, it was nothing compared to the way I felt about meeting Gio's dads. Cliff seemed convinced that we would all get along and like each other, but for the life of me I couldn't imagine why either of my boyfriend's former lover's fathers would be at all interested in meeting or spending time with me. I was sure all three of us were just humoring Cliff and that the whole evening would be at best tedious and at worst excruciatingly painful for us all.

I'd seen pictures of the couple, so I knew the attractive African American gentleman in his early 50s who opened the door, with a slightly graying circle beard and warm chocolate eyes, was Tyrone.

"Clifton!" he exclaimed enthusiastically, pulling Cliff into a tight embrace. "How are you, Son? It's good to see you!"

"Hey, Pops!" Cliff was equally enthusiastic in his greeting and hug. "I'm doing really well. I love Seattle, but it's nice to be home and see you guys."

"And you must be Edward," Tyrone said after releasing Cliff.

"I am, Sir," I held out my hand. He took it, but instead of shaking it he merely used it to pull me into a hug as well.

"Boy, I know you know better than to call a gay man my age sir. How old are you trying to make me to feel? Just call me Tyrone, please."

"All right," I said, taking a step back, a bit overwhelmed by the warm reception. "Thank you."

"Thank you for coming out. Cliff's been telling us all about you and we've been looking forward to meeting you. We were disappointed when we heard you wouldn't be able to make it out for the holidays, and glad you were able to change your plans."

"I am glad about that too, Si...Tyrone," I caught myself just in time.

"Where's Ba Ba?" Cliff asked.

"Oh, you know," Tyrone rolled his eyes, but continued to smile indulgently. "He's in the laboratory working on one of his concoctions. He's had all day, but of course everything always has to be put together at the last minute. Hopefully he'll pop out to say hello, now he knows you're here. I know better than to try to go in there while the master's at wok."

"Ha!" Cliff barked a short laugh. "Good one, Pops!"

Tyrone took a small bow. "Well, let's not stand here in the hallway," he continued, "Bruce set out appetizers and drinks in the living room. He made your favorite."

"Spring rolls & bubble tea?" Cliff's face lit up like that of a little kid on Christmas morning.

"Your Ba Ba knows you well," Tyrone affirmed. "There are also pot stickers and spare ribs and other beverages, Edward, if your tastes run a bit more sophisticated than Cliff's."

"You can have something else to drink if you'd like," Cliff said, taking my hand and pulling me into the living room, "but you have to try the bubble tea first. No one makes bubble tea as well as Bruce."

"That's because I make my own tea blend, Bao Bei, and I brew the tea the way it should be brewed, the way my Wai Po taught me. None of these ridiculous tea bags that just filter out the flavor," a trim Chinese man with longer, slicked back hair and laugh lines around his eyes came into the living room from the adjoining dining room.

"Ba Ba!" Cliff let go of my hand and ran to hug Bruce. "Come on, meet my Edward," he said excitedly as he pulled away from the older man's tight embrace.

"Edward, welcome," Bruce said as he walked towards me with open arms. "I'm Bruce."

"Hello," I stepped into his hug. "It's very nice to meet you." Cliff stood between the dining room and living room, grinning widely.

"Likewise, my boy, likewise," Bruce said, releasing me. "He is quite a cutie pie," he said, looking back at Cliff over his shoulder.

"I told you," Cliff boasted. I felt myself flushing slightly.

"Stop it, Chop Chop," Tyrone said close behind me. "You're embarrassing our guest. Pay no attention to him," he told me, placing his arm over my shoulder and leading me towards the beverage cart. "He likes to tease, but he's harmless. Now, what would you like to drink?"

"I was told I have to try the bubble tea," I smiled at him.

"Wise choice," he smiled back. He poured liquid out of a thermal carafe into four prepared glasses and added ice cubes to each, before sticking straws of ginormous diameter into the glasses. "Here you go," he said handing me one of the glasses. "Enjoy!" He picked up two glasses and handed them to Bruce and Cliff, who had walked up to join us, before picking up the last glass. "To new beginnings," he said raising his glass.

"Hear, hear," Bruce echoed, raising his glass and drinking. Cliff smiled at me and we both followed suit, though it felt strange as all hell to be drinking a toast through a wide straw, especially since I almost immediately pulled in something solid along with the sweet milky liquid. I nearly choked in surprise, but managed to swallow the gelatinous mass smoothly.

"What did I just eat?" I asked, my eyes opened wide. Cliff laughed.

"It's the bubbles," he said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Aren't they fun?"

I hummed noncommittally, wishing he had answered my question.

"It's just tapioca," Bruce chimed in. "Nothing to be afraid of. What do you think?"

I took another sip. The beverage was pleasant and the giant tapioca balls, while unexpected, added another dimension to the experience of drinking.

"It took me a bit off guard," I said honestly, "but I like it."

"I like a boy who's not afraid of new things," Bruce added approvingly. "I understand Cliff has introduced you to a lot of those since you started seeing each other. Come, let's eat while we talk," he led Cliff to the appetizer spread while Tyrone and I followed. I was mortified at how much it seemed Cliff had told these two, but determined to keep it together and not freak out.

"God, Ba Ba, you don't know how much I've missed your spring rolls!" Cliff enthused, right before biting into one. "One of these days you'll have to write down all your recipes and teach me how you make these."

"Oh, no. Ancient Chinese secret," Bruce shook his head and spoke with a suddenly thick accent. Tyrone broke out laughing. I glanced at Cliff, confused. He shrugged.

"It's from some old TV commercial, apparently," he explained. "I don't get it either. It's an old queen joke," Cliff's grin got even wider and he winked at me, clearly pleased at the chance to get in a friendly dig.

"Oh God, Ty!" Bruce exclaimed dramatically. "We're ancient too!"

"Little bitches," Tyrone looked at us with clearly mock anger. "We're not quite that old yet, Chop Chop," He leaned over to kiss his partner. "And if the adoption works out, that will keep us young."

"Oh," Cliff perked up. "Is there any news?"

"We're officially approved and registered with the State of Washington as a foster household. That's the first step. We went through a home study and cleared that hurdle. Now it's just a matter of finding a needy kid," Tyrone explained.

"That shouldn't be hard," Cliff opined. "There are tons of kids out there who need help. I'm sure there are dozens of young gay boys who are lost in the system and could use your guidance."

"We hope that's true," Tyrone continued, "But, of course, the fact that we're a gay and interracial couple isn't exactly in our favor. Fortunately, we're working with a state social worker who seems to understand and has been very helpful."

"It just makes me so mad," Cliff said, clearly agitated. "The families toss these kids out like trash and the state just shuttles them from one foster family to another, as often as not families of "devout Christians" who do even more damage, but God forbid that a gay kid actually be sent to live with a doctor and an executive who happen to be gay and biracial, 'cause he might pick up some horrible influences there."

"It will all work out," Bruce put a hand on Cliff's shoulder to calm him. "If worst comes to worst, we'll go back to San Francisco and help the unofficial way, like we did with Gio."

"What happened with Gio?" I asked. "I thought he was adopted too."

"You tell the story, Ty," Bruce asked, turning towards the back of the house. "I must get back in the kitchen. Dinner should be ready by the time you're done. Just don't discuss anything important about Edward while I'm gone. I want to hear everything!"

We loaded up our plates with food and settled in on the living room sofa, where I listened with rapt attention to Tyrone relay the story of how he and Bruce met and helped out Gio. Although they first started living together as a family when Gio was 15, he was officially a runaway, and did not want to contact the family that threw him out in any way. For three years Bruce and Tyrone risked their careers and reputations by having Gio live with them and being his fathers.

"You can imagine what a field day the press would have with that one. Two middle aged queens kidnapping a child for their sexual pleasure," Tyrone explained bitterly. "We had to be very careful in everything we did. In San Francisco, it was easier for us to fly under the radar, but the schools weren't what we hoped and we wanted something a little more peaceful for Gio. So when he turned 18, we officially adopted him and moved here. Little did we know the firestorm that would be the welcoming committee."

"Yeah," Cliff recalled. "About as far from peaceful as you could get."

Tyrone provided more details about the vandalism and hate crimes that accompanied their move to Spokane. I was impressed at how calm he remained while telling the story. I wasn't even there and my blood was boiling.

"We had to tell ourselves that it had nothing to do with us personally. It was just some ignorant people who are afraid of anyone different. Not that knowing that made any of it less frightening. But, fortunately, there were enough open minded folks like your parents, Cliff, who stood up for us and accepted us, and eventually it all blew over."

"After the cops and the FBI got involved," Cliff seemed just as angry as I felt. I shifted closer to him on the sofa and leaned my head on his shoulder in an attempt to calm us both. He tilted his head towards me to rest against mine. "Thanks, Baby," he said.

"Enough of this unpleasant talk," Tyrone declared, rising. "It looks like we still have a few minutes until dinner, and since we can't talk about Edward, let me show him some of the collection, instead."

"Oh, good idea!" Cliff approved. "I love hearing the stories."

As Cliff advertised, Bruce and Tyrone's extensive art collection was spread out throughout the various rooms and set off in gorgeous displays, complete with museum quality lighting and plaques. The plaques sometimes contained information about the artist, but always included a year and a brief synopsis of where and how the piece was obtained. As we stopped by certain pieces, Tyrone elaborated beyond the information on the plaque. Apparently, he and Bruce selected all the pieces themselves at the various places across the world that they visited, and looked on their collection not just as a way to beautify their home, but as constant reminders of their history together.

"It works much better than a cabinet full of shot glasses or thimbles," he joked.

We continued to talk throughout dinner and over coffee afterwards, and stayed late into the night. I found out how Bruce and Tyrone met and explained about my family and confessed that I hadn't come out to my parents yet, worried that doing so might force me to abandon school, if they withdrew their financial assistance. Cliff discussed his post-graduation hopes and I talked about the conservation project I worked on over the summer. At one point, Bruce took us into the study to show me some books he thought might interest me. He took a pair of glasses out of his shirt pocket to better see the book titles.

"Ah, there is my professor," Tyrone said fondly. "You know how I love it when you put those on, Chop Chop."

Giving Bruce no chance to respond, he pulled him into a deep kiss. Cliff looked over at me and smiled, then leaned in and kissed me as well.

As we were leaving and Bruce and Cliff were hugging goodbye, Tyrone took me aside.

"I know you have a good group of friends who are there to support you, Edward," he said. "But sometimes it helps to have the perspective of more experienced members of the community as well. I want you to know that if you ever need to talk, or need anything, you can always call us. We've been there ourselves and we've seen a lot of our friends go through just about anything you can imagine. We can always listen, and sometimes we might even be able to help."

"Thanks, Tyrone," I replied, sincerely grateful for the offer and what it symbolized. Cliff had been right after all. They had wanted to meet me and now I felt like I'd just received a stamp of approval.

"You're welcome, son. You and Cliff obviously make each other very happy, and Bruce and I are thrilled that you found each other. Losing Sergio at such a young age was a tragedy for all of us, but especially for Cliff. He was lost and broken for too long for someone his age. You helped bring him back to his old self, and that is a good thing."

We embraced, and then Cliff came over to claim a hug from his "pops," before we finally left and walked back to Cliff's house, arm in arm.

"What did I tell you? Aren't they great? I knew they'd love you! Bruce even put on his glasses!"

"Was that significant?"

"Was it ever! He almost never puts them on in front of anyone except Tyrone and me and Gio. He's very self-conscious about them so he has to feel very comfortable with someone to do that."

"Well, then, I guess it went all right," I said, feeling pleased and excited.

"Absolutely. Just like I knew it would," he bragged.

We spent the next day lounging, watching TV, playing video games and wrapping presents. The following day was Christmas Eve and we helped Cliff's mom prepare a festive dinner for Bruce and Tyrone and a few other neighbors who were not able to travel to see their families. It was a fairly small gathering, and after dinner everyone adjourned to the hearth room, where the pleasant conversation continued late into the evening. At the end of the night, after everyone but Bruce and Tyrone had gone home, we exchanged presents. I was glad that I didn't let Cliff talk me out of shopping, as my pile of gifts was as large as his. Cliff and I exchanged our official presents in front of the family, but we both knew there were things we wanted to give each other in the privacy of his room. Quite predictably, we'd each purchased some new funderwear for the other. He also wrapped up a set of keys to his apartment, together with a pewter Mount Rainier keychain, for me. And I, too, had another gift for him, one he did not expect and I had been fortunate to find the day we went shopping. I only hoped he would be as excited about it as I had been when I found it. My stomach clenched nervously as I handed him the wrapped box, which looked remarkably similar to the one he used to present me with my key.

He hesitated a moment, then took the box with a puzzled look.

"I'm pretty sure this isn't a key," he said.

"No, but the sentiment behind it is similar," I replied, trying to be honest without giving anything away. "Go ahead, open it."

He smiled and tore into the wrapping paper, taking it off the box and discarding it. He took off the box lid and stared at the chain and pendant inside. For a moment he was still and silent. Then he took his finger and ran it over the pendant.

"Oh, Eddie," he breathed. "This is fantastic."

"It's..." I started to explain.

"It's the wind blowing away the clouds to reveal the sunshine," he jumped in. "It's us," he looked at me with moist eyes.

"Yeah, Sunshine, it's us," I nodded. I reached into my pocket to pull out the identical chain and pendant I had purchased for myself. "I hope you don't mind. I got one for me, too."

"Oh, God, Eddie. Of course I don't mind. This is so beautiful. I wish I had thought to do something like this," a couple of tears slid down his cheeks, but I could tell they were happy tears, and he leaned forward to mold his lips to mine.

"You asked me to share your home," I whispered against his lips, then pulled back so I was sure to be clear. "That is so much more meaningful than a necklace. But this is my way of letting you and the world know that we belong together. I love you."

"I love you too," he said softly. "Will you put it on me?" He asked.

"Of course," I said, reaching for the box and taking the chain out. Still facing him, I unhooked the closure, wrapped the open chain around his neck, and closed it again. "I'm starting to feel a little like a girl," I confessed. "Are we being too sentimental?"

"Oh hush," he chastised, laughing. "If we can't be a little sentimental on our first Christmas together, when can we?"

"Good point. Okay. Your turn to put this on me," I handed him my chain and he fastened it around my neck.

"Let's go look," he said, excited, pulling me off the bed and towards his dresser mirror. We stood side by side, his arm wrapped around me, the matching white gold chains and pendants resting just beneath our Adam's apples.

"They look good," he commented.

"They look okay," I retorted, "but I know a way to make them look better." I turned to him and reached for the top button on his shirt, pushing it out of the hole.

"Yes," he agreed. "I see what you mean. That would definitely make them look better," he echoed, pulling out my shirt from the waistband of my slacks. We continued to undress each other, occasionally pausing to kiss or suck or grope various body parts, until we were both nude and standing in front of the mirror again.

"They do look better, don't they?" I queried. Then, feeling a bit embarrassed, I followed up, "Are we being too vain?"

"Nah," he giggled. "I never get tired of looking at you, and I love being the one standing next to you. Having said that, I'd much rather be the one lying next to you in that bed," he pointed back with his head.

"Now you're talking!" I took his hand and pulled him back onto the bed, where we continued what we'd started while disrobing earlier.

It was, by far, the best Christmas Eve of my entire life. And the celebration continued the following day. On Christmas day, after a festive breakfast and still more presents for Cliff and me from "Santa," we drove over to Cliff's aunt's house, where I met even more of his family, who were all extremely warm, and kind, and excited to meet me. It was so different than my Christmas would have been if I'd gone to Forks, or even if I had stayed with Seth in Seattle. By the time we got home late in the evening we were so full and exhausted, we merely cuddled on the sectional in front of the fire in the hearth room, and watched the Alastair Sim version of A Christmas Carol.

We took time out to call both Seth and Emmett on Christmas day, to exchange good wishes. Emmett sounded like he was having a blast with his brother in Minnesota, celebrating the German traditions of his mother. Seth was equally excited to spend time with his sister, so I felt absolutely no guilt about coming out to Spokane. We also called Maggie and Rosalie, who were enjoying an extended stay with Rosalie's family but assured me that Liam slept though most of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and would never know that his uncle Edward wasn't there for his first Christmas.

My last call was to my parents or, more accurately, my mom. I felt bad about abandoning her during the holidays, but she let me know in her subtle way that Dad was gone out of the house and she was enjoying his absence. We made plans to meet in Port Angeles in January, and to celebrate the holiday then. I was about to hang up when, at the last second, I hesitated, and asked her to make lunch reservations for three. I wasn't sure if I was making a mistake, but suddenly I didn't want to hide from her anymore, and I needed for her to know about Cliff. When she asked who would be joining us, however, I chickened out and said that it was a friend. This wasn't the kind of news I wanted to break to her over the phone.

Cliff and I were originally supposed to fly home a few days after Christmas, in time to go out for New Year's with Seth & Emmett, but we were having such a good time in Spokane with his family that we decided to extend our visit and spend New Year's with all his parents as well. I felt a slight twinge of guilt at this, as I did have an ulterior motive. The previous year, given my general dour mood, the gay squadron had left me alone and didn't pressure me to go out with them to celebrate the New Year. I stayed home and planted myself in front of the television, with the DVR programmed to record the New York telecast, just in case. I remained glued to the television set for the entire telecast, hoping against hope that lightning would strike twice and that, somehow, the cameras scanning the crowds at Times Square would capture Jasper again, this time hopefully not in a kiss with another man. I'd known this was a long shot, but was nevertheless disappointed when my vigil turned out in vain.

This year I had resigned myself to being out New Year's Eve, though I was fully prepared to record the New York telecast and watch it the next time I was alone. If we stayed in Spokane, however, we'd be celebrating at home and watching the telecast anyway. After my conversation with Seth I felt awful that I still even cared if I saw Jasper. I knew my focus should have been solely on Cliff, but I couldn't stop myself. The draw to the telecast and the possibility of seeing for myself the calm and serene Jasper that Seth saw on his trip to Rochester, was simply too strong.

As I could have guessed, I saw no one who even resembled Jasper on the telecast, but I was still glad to enjoy the quiet celebration at home with family, over a large loud crowd in a Seattle club. At midnight Cliff and I exchanged a sweet, loving kiss, then hugged both his real and surrogate parents. Bruce and Tyrone left shortly thereafter, and the four of us retired to our respective bedrooms. Neither Cliff nor I particularly wanted to speculate how his parents privately rang in the new year, but the two of us thoroughly enjoyed our celebration.

On New Year's day we finished packing and all of Cliff's parents took us back to the airport, with Bruce and Tyrone driving back my rental car, knowing they could return with the Barringers. Cliff and I boarded the plane holding hands, excited at the prospect of packing up my stuff upon arriving in Seattle and finally, after too long of a delay, moving in together.