Chapter 27

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Chapter 27: Hold Me in Your Loving Arms

Cliff definitely spiced up our sex life by introducing me to rimming. So much so, I was almost mad he'd waited as long as he had, until I recognized that having something new and exciting to experience in the bedroom more than a year after being together was a very good thing, and that I ought to be grateful that he held some things back. I had to wonder what other surprises he might be hiding, but I preferred to speculate instead of asking.

In mid-November my parents' divorce was finalized. Mom had been scouting the area for Bed & Breakfast investment opportunities since a week after my 21st birthday, so when an inn that she deemed to be perfect came on the market in late October, she was extremely concerned and anxious that it would be snapped up before she had the money from her divorce settlement to invest in her new business. Of course, with Rosie representing her in the transaction, she had nothing to worry about. Rose negotiated a closing date that would take place far enough into November for the divorce not to matter, and was able to successfully persuade my mother not to over inflate the offer, sensing that the owners were ready to move on and would accept less than the asking price.

In the end, Mom was able to buy the inn with the money from her settlement and a market-rate interest-bearing loan from my trust, which she only agreed to accept when she realized that banks were reluctant to loan money to a recent divorcee with no formal education or business experience. She was so reluctant to accept a loan from the trust that both I and the law firm had to explain that the interest I would collect on the loan was actually a very good return on my investment, and that once she got more experience, if she still felt anxious, she could try again to get a loan through a bank and simply pay off the loan to the trust.

The bed & breakfast Mom bought was located in Port Townsend and was one of the many Victorian structures in that town. It was large as bed & breakfasts went, with 8 guest rooms on 4 different floors, but Mom figured the incremental work wasn't as large as the incremental income from the extra guests, and after being stuck in Forks all her life with very few friends, she wanted to meet as many people as possible. Besides the guest rooms and the public areas, Mom had an inn keeper's apartment with a tiny office, a bedroom, and a den which could double as a guest room or quarters for her back-up to stay in while operating the inn when Mom was out of town. Once the divorce was final and her settlement paid out, we closed on the inn and Mom used some of the money from the settlement to furnish her apartment.

The inn had continued as an on-going business concern during the closing process, so Mom had booked guests from her very first day of ownership, though this was the off season and the house wasn't filled up. Still, Mom was excited at having the opportunity to learn the ropes during a more quiet time. She was also excited that the former owners planned to go away for the Christmas holidays, which meant there were no bookings at all for the week of Christmas.

"I would love to host Christmas this year," she said. "It would be such a pleasure to serve a family meal in that dining room. And, of course, Cliff's family should come as well, and Maggie and Rose. Heaven knows there's plenty of room."

While Mom was very excited at the idea, I was a bit concerned, worried that the people she wanted to invite would not want to travel for the holidays. But I should have had more faith in my mom's powers of persuasion. She called everyone and made all the arrangements, ensuring that everyone relevant would be in Port Townsend, not just for Christmas, but for an extended holiday.

Because we were going to my mother's house for Christmas, Cliff and I decided to travel to Spokane for Thanksgiving. We invited Zack to come with us, but his mom was reluctant to let him miss a family holiday. Knowing how lonely Troy had been and how much he had hoped to see his friend, and seeing the same feelings reflected on Zack's face after he heard his mom's decision, I went to see her privately and offered to pay for his plane ticket to Spokane that Friday, so he could spend the holiday with his own family, but still get to see Troy and drive back with us Sunday. After a little coaxing using my very best charming smile, and an absolute commitment that Zack would spend his nights at Cliff's parents home, not at Troy's house, she relented.

"He does miss Troy a lot," she admitted, "and I know they talk and text and e-mail and chat all the time. I was hoping his transition here would be easier and that he would make more friends, but the kids at school picked on him until he met his best friend Moose, and while Moose is great and they're very close, he's not gay. So Troy means a lot to him. I just worry, because they're so young, and maybe they mean too much to each other."

I nodded, understanding her concern, and not just because I'd heard for myself the wistfulness in Troy's voice when he spoke about how much he missed Zack. I knew better than anyone what it was like to form an attachment at an early age that became so important it was impossible to shake, even as an adult in love with another man. What I didn't share with her was my belief that if Zack and Troy were soul mates, as I believed Jasper and I had been, it was already too late to worry about their attachment to each other. No matter how many people tried to keep them apart and how much life got in the way, their bond would always be there. I kept this observation to myself and didn't even share it with Cliff, for obvious reasons. But for Troy and Zack's sake I was happy I could remove at least this one obstacle from their path.

Troy was so excited about Zack's visit, he could barely sit still through Thanksgiving dinner.

"Amelia worked all day to prepare this meal for us, Leo. The least you can do is enjoy it calmly like the near adult you want us to think you are," Bruce reprimanded. "And Edward and Cliff went through a lot of trouble to convince Zack's mom to let him visit, so don't you think you owe it to them to spend a little time catching up with them before you get completely subsumed with your guest tomorrow?"

I wondered if Bruce was being too harsh – the kid couldn't help being excited about the visit from the only other gay teen in his life right now, and one with whom he had formed an very close attachment. But I was pleased to see that, while embarrassed, Troy seemed to take Bruce's direction well and managed to calm himself a little, muttering a quiet "Sorry, Dad," to Bruce and then a louder "Sorry, Amelia," to Cliff's Mom, before turning to Cliff to ask him about his new car.

After dinner the parents stayed in the hearth room, while Cliff, Troy and I went up to Cliff's room, ostensibly to pay video games, but really just because Cliff and I could both see that Troy was desperate for younger gay company. And indeed, as soon as we were behind closed doors, he begged us to tell him about Emmett and Seth and the rest of our friends, while complaining about his generally homophobic classmates.

"The girls are okay," he explained, "and sometimes it's fun talking about boys with them, or famous actors, but none of the guys around here want to get their dicks sucked by a queer."

"I'm not sure you're right about that," Cliff mused, and I knew his observation was based on personal experience. "But I don't recommend offering to suck guys in order to find out. That's probably not the safest thing to do."

"For whatever its worth, you're not alone. It doesn't sound like Zack is having a much easier time in Seattle," I pointed out.

"Yeah, but at least he's got Moose and his buddies, so he has some friends. Around here straight guys are afraid to even say hi to me, like that alone could make them gay."

"Give it a little more time," Cliff advised. "And maybe once Zack arrives we can go to a few local hang-outs and you can introduce him to people. Once guys know you have a boyfriend, they might be less worried about you trying to hit on them."

"You think that would work?" Troy got excited. "I bet Zack would be willing to pretend he's my boyfriend to help me out."

"Pretend?" My eyebrow shot up in question. I didn't think there was any question that he and Zack were together.

Troy shrugged and then looked away, not willing to meet my and Cliff's eyes.

"I get lonely and Zack must too and we don't exactly see each other all that often, and we thought if an opportunity presented itself to be with someone, we shouldn't feel like we're cheating on our boyfriends if we took advantage of it."

"I see," Cliff said. He looked over at me and I was instantly reminded of the time before our summer apart, when he'd tried to tell me that he would understand if I wanted to be with other guys. I remembered how much that hurt me and how much it must have hurt for him to say it. Thank goodness I had been brave and smart enough to challenge his assumption instead of blindly going along with it. But I had already been 20 years old at the time. I probably would not have had enough confidence to do that at 17.

"So which one of you came up with that brilliant idea, or was it a mutual effort?" I inquired.

Troy shot me a quick look and shrugged. "I might have thought of it."

"Was it because you really would want to take advantage of those opportunities, or because you were afraid Zack might want to, so you wanted to protect yourself from how much that would hurt by pretending that you wanted to do it too?"

He was silent, but he sat closer to me and burrowed into my chest, wrapping his arms around my torso.

Cliff slid up to me on the other side end pressed himself over Troy, wrapping his arm around us both.

"He can't leave you if you walk away first, right?" he asked. Troy let out a muffled sob.

"Leo, I know how hard it is to be rejected by the people closest to you, people you love," I offered, "but you can't let that keep you from taking chances. In life there's no good way to avoid pain."

"How would you feel if Zack took you at your word?" Cliff added. "And how do you think he feels, thinking that you want to be with other boys if you only could? Unless... is that what you want? Because that's okay too. If you were just being honest with him, then that's fine. There doesn't have to be any arrangement between you two just because you are both gay and the same age. It's all right if you two are just having fun together but don't want to be exclusive."

"I don't know what I want," I couldn't see his face, but his voice indicated Troy was crying. "If Zack was here or if I was in Seattle, I'd want to be with just him, for sure. But we don't live in the same city, and sometimes I get so lonely and I just want someone to be there and touch me, you know? Or at least let me touch them. And if someone willing came along I don't know what I'd do," Cliff and I could both hear the pain and indecision in Troy's words. It was heartbreaking.

"On the street, it was hard," Troy continued. "The johns, they didn't care about how it was for us. If they hurt us, they hurt us. Sometimes that was their whole goal. It didn't matter, as long as they got off, you know? I'm glad I never have to do that again." Neither Cliff nor I said anything, but I knew both of us were very glad for that as well. I clenched my jaw tightly, thinking of all the adult men who got off inflicting pain on Troy and other street kids, and I wished there was a way to round up all the sadistic pedophiles and lock them in some prison where the hard core offenders could show them exactly how it felt to be on the receiving end of that type of attention.

"But sometimes the other guys and I, we would do each other, you know?" Troy kept speaking, interrupting my vengeful thoughts. "Just to remind ourselves that it could be different, that it didn't have to hurt. As good as things are for me right now with Dad B and Dad T, I miss that. And I sometimes miss the drugs," he confessed. "When I was high, everything was good and nothing mattered. For a while, at least, nothing hurt, no one rejected me. I could forget everything and everyone. I do miss that."

Cliff moved his hand to my upper arm and squeezed. We looked at each other over Troy's head helplessly. Neither one of us knew what to say to make him feel better. For us it was clear that the life Troy had now was miles ahead of the way he had to live on the streets, but at his age he wasn't able to put everything in the kind of perspective we could. Right now he just felt lonely and he needed some friends his own age so that he wouldn't feel quite so isolated.

"But you know that feeling was only temporary. It wasn't real. And when you crashed, didn't it just make everything worse?" I had no experience with drugs, but there'd been plenty of times I used alcohol as a similar escape. "Drugs and alcohol can make you forget reality, but they don't make it go away. And the reality you're living in now is so much better than before. You have parents who love you and want the best for you. You have medicine that will stop you from getting sicker after what those people did to you out there. You have two big brothers who love you and a good friend who misses you as much as you miss him. And even though the kids at the school are stupid, you have a good school that will help you get into a good college so you can go away. And in college, things will get better. You can go to a school where there is a gay community for you to be a part of. That's less than two years away. I know it feels like forever, but believe me, it will fly by."

"Yeah, you're right," Troy said, his half-hearted voice muffled due to his face still being buried in my chest.

"What if you made some friends here, just to hang out with, like Zack has with Moose?" Cliff asked. "And if we could work out a way for you to come out to Seattle to see Zack more often? Would that make things any better?"

"Really? I could come out and visit you more often?" Our baby brother was a little more hopeful.

"We'd have to talk to your Dads," Cliff hedged, "But if it's okay with them, it would be fine with us, right, Edward?"

"Of course," I confirmed. "Maybe we can have you can stay for winter break after the holidays are over. You could spend New Year's Eve with Zack. And then you could come out for Spring break."

"That would be so great," Troy was definitely getting more excited. "Because as good as it will be to have him here, we can't do much with everyone watching us. I wish we could sleep together. Just sleep. I still miss that. But you said he has to spend the night here, right?"

"Yes," I said regretfully. "That was his mother's condition for letting him fly out here. And I really would rather not break my word. If she found out she might never let Zack see you again."

"Did you make any promises as to where Troy would spend the night?" Cliff asked, a slight twinkle in his eye.

"No, but I hardly think Bruce and Tyrone or your parents will let the guys have a slumber party here," I said.

"That's probably true," Cliff admitted, "but they don't necessarily have to know."

"What do you mean, Cap?" Troy said, suddenly all ears.

"Well, when Gio and I were still in high school, our parents wouldn't let us spend nights together either, but we figured out a way that we could indulge on special occasions."

"Oh my God, you have to tell me how!" Troy was now beside himself. "You know this is a special occasion."

I threw Cliff a concerned look, hoping he knew what he was doing. We were walking a fine line here. I wanted to help the boys too, but if any of Cliff's four parents found out there'd be hell to pay, not to mention what would happen if news got back to Zack's mother.

"Okay," Cliff said as he nodded, "But you have to promise it'll just be sleeping, or napping. And if anyone asks, you thought of this all by yourself. And you'll have to make sure you get up early enough to get back to your house before our parents wake up."

"You got it, Cap. I'll do whatever I have to. Tell me how!"

Cliff launched into a detailed explanation of a method Gio worked out to slip out of his house without Bruce and Tyrone's knowledge and sneak into Cliff's house and room. It was slightly risky, but I had to admit that as long as Troy followed all the steps, it would work. He was so bright eyed and excited now, he reminded me of Seth.

"It's gonna work! I can do all that, easy. Thank you so much! You guys are the best big brothers ever!"

After Troy left that night, I complimented Cliff on his willingness to share his and Gio's secrets with Troy.

"Oh, it hardly matters now," he waved off the compliment. "None of the parents would care about that, except how I'm using the information to corrupt Leo and Zack. But once upon a time the fear of maybe getting caught just added to the excitement. And there was a lot of excitement," he giggled in a way that let me know there was more to the story.

"What?" I encouraged.

"It's nothing," he said dismissively.

"Nothing didn't put that little Mona Lisa smile on your face. Now come on, spill."

"It really is nothing big – just a little twin humor. As I told Leo, the best way to get into this house is up the trellis and through Wenn's window. That's gonna work out great for Leo, since Zack will be sleeping in Wenn's room, but it didn't work so well for Gio and me. Wenn was usually pretty accommodating, and let Gio in and then back out in the morning. But there was one time when he had some big game going on or something and really needed to sleep in, so that night we changed places. He went to sleep in my room and I was supposed to wait up for Gio. I opened the window as usual and stripped down, but I fell asleep waiting for him to get there.

"Gio came in like he always did, and he didn't know Wenn and I had switched rooms, so he headed for my bed and got in. Now, unlike me, Wenn slept in boxers, and Gio thought that was strange, but then he figured it was just a game I was playing and that I wanted him to take them off and blow me. As similar as Wenn and I looked, it was impossible for Gio to tell us apart until he slipped off the boxers with Wenn still asleep and went down on him. At that point he claims he could smell the difference, but by then of course Wenn had woken up and he was mortified."

Cliff was chuckling openly and I joined him, imagining what Wenn must have felt like, waking up with his twin brother's boyfriend's lips wrapped around his cock.

"What did he do?"

"Oh, he was furious at first, threatened not to help us set up overnight visits anymore, but eventually he calmed down and it was all good. We never told anyone, not even LiLi. But when we lived together in college, sometimes we'd tease him about it, 'cause he did get hard at first when Gio started sucking him, before he was fully awake and aware of what was going on. He was always a good sport, though. Wenn was a great brother."

I could tell Cliff's mood was getting melancholy, as it always did when he remembered his brother and Gio, so I tried to bring the conversation back to Troy.

"It was nice of you to suggest that Leo introduce Zack to some of his classmates. It doesn't sound like that would be very easy, though."

"I've been thinking about that," he admitted, "and I might make some calls tomorrow, get in touch with some friends from high school. It was so much easier for me, with Wenn paving the way and making friends for the both of us. I never felt as isolated as Leo does. I'll just call around and see if anyone I used to hang out with has some younger brothers still in school that might take him under their wings. It's the least I can do for him. And I really think if the high school boys believe Leo has a boyfriend and isn't interested in them sexually, they'll be more likely to let him hang out with them."

"You're a good man, Sunshine," I told him as I peeled back the covers and kissed my way down his chest until I was swirling my tongue in the hair of his happy trail. "And you deserve to be rewarded."

"I don't know about deserving anything, but I'll never turn down this kind of a reward," he breathed out, then gasped as I took most of his hardening cock into my mouth. For the rest of the night, we didn't need many words.

The following day we picked up Zack at the airport and as far as the boys were concerned, the rest of the world ceased to exist. Despite communicating several times a day every day, they acted like they hadn't seen each other in years. The sweetest thing, though, was seeing them hug and keep in almost constant physical contact, even if it was just walking so close together that their arms touched. Being good big brothers, after dropping off Zack's luggage at home, we took the boys to a movie, deliberately choosing an early show of a movie that had been out for a while at an out-of–the way theater to minimize the number of other people in the theater with us and give the boys time to cuddle. That night the six of us had dinner at Bruce and Tyrone's house, and then Zack and Troy disappeared in Troy's room while the rest of us had a chance to catch up uninterrupted.

"I do hope they're being responsible up there," Bruce expressed at one point, looking up towards the ceiling.

"They're 17, Chop, Chop," Tyrone said evenly, placing his hand on Bruce's knee to calm him. "They're as responsible as we can expect 17 year old boys to be. We talked to him, explained the dangers – now we just have to hope he heard us."

"We talked to him too, Ba Ba," Cliff chimed in. "And Zack's cousin is HIV positive, so I know he talked to him about what's safe."

"With HIV there's very little that's completely safe," Bruce said darkly, "and the little that is safe is usually not enough for boys with raging hormones. But they're not old enough to understand what going beyond that can mean for Zack."

"Bruce, try not to worry so much," I threw in. "I really think they enjoy being together and cuddling the most. Troy cares for Zack very much. He would not endanger him. And I am sure between Brad and his mom and aunt all being sensitive to HIV, Zack heard an earful about what he should and should not do. They're good boys. They'll be fine."

Somewhat mollified, especially after a soft reassuring kiss from Tyrone, Bruce calmed enough to return the discussion to other subjects. He was even more pleased when the boys did not put up too much of a fight when it was time for Cliff and Zack and me to leave. Of course, only Cliff and I and the boys knew that this was not the end of their night together.

By the time we left for home early Sunday afternoon, the boys had had plenty of time to spend together. Cliff also made good on his promise to call some of his high school friends until he found a few older brothers willing to lean a bit on their younger siblings to at least get to know Troy a little and try to be friends. I very willingly paid for a pizza night meet and great where the older brothers dragged their younger siblings along to meet Zack and Troy. Most of the younger boys brought their girlfriends, just to make it perfectly clear where their interests lay, but this actually helped the situation. The girls all loved Zack and totally broke the ice by asking him about growing up in the Midwest and attending high school in Seattle. Between their girlfriends' fascination with the gay guys and their big brothers obviously having no problem interacting with Cliff and me, the younger guys started talking to Troy and Zack just so as not to be left out. By the end of the night, as Cliff predicted, the ice seemed to have been broken and the guys managed to see past his homosexuality to the cool kid Troy really was. We were pretty certain that their friendships would continue even after they returned to school Monday.

We were both feeling pretty good when we got home Sunday night, until we called Seth and Emmett to find out how their Thanksgiving went.

"It was a fiasco," Emmett said, obviously drunk and in a dour mood. "David and I are done, over."

Cliff and I raised eyebrows at each other in silent question. Privately, we both thought the break up was a very good thing, but neither one of us wanted to see Emmett in as much pain as he had been in when he broke up with Christopher, especially since both break ups came at the very same time of year.

"We're coming over," I quickly said, figuring it would be better to hear the story in person, where we could offer Emmett more comfort.

"What's going on?" We asked Seth, who opened the door when we arrived at their place.

Seth shrugged silently, and for a moment it seemed like he wasn't going to be any more forthcoming than Emmett.

"They had a fight," he finally said. "Over me."

"Over you?" I was incredulous, though it was a perfectly reasonable explanation. I knew if push came to shove Emmett would choose Seth over just about anyone. I just couldn't believe David was so stupid as to force him to make that choice. "What happened?"

"David was hosting Thanksgiving. He invited Emmett, even though he knew Leah was out of town and I didn't have plans. Emmett just assumed the invitation included me and insisted I come along. When we got there, David was furious. He told Emmett that I hadn't been invited and that he wasn't prepared for an extra guest. Of course, I knew exactly what was happening, but Em was still giving the asshole the benefit of a doubt. Surely David could fit in one more, at Thanksgiving of all meals? But David was firm, saying, rather sarcastically, the fucking jerk, that as popular as I was, I could mooch off someone else for a night, instead of horning in on their evening. If it hadn't been for Emmett, I would have told the bastard what's what right there and then, but I didn't want to ruin the holidays for Em, so I just turned to leave. It wasn't like I didn't have other places to go. Just that morning I had three calls inviting me out that night. From pretty attractive would be partners, too. And I would have enjoyed the evening with any of them more than a night at David's place with his boring, stuffy friends. But Emmett wouldn't have it," Seth fell silent as we heard Emmett make his way to the entry hall.

"Are you filling them in on how big of an ass I am, Sweetie?" Emmett was still slurring his words and he was none too steady on his feet.

"I'm doing no such thing," Seth huffed. "Because that would be a lie. You're most certainly not the ass in this story."

"Well, you don't have to talk here in secret. You can say whatever it is you have to say in front of me. The way I've been acting lately, it's like I'm dumb and blind anyway. Can't see or hear a damn thing even if it's happening right in front of my eyes."

"Emmett, you cared about David," Cliff tried to find a positive spin on what happened. "When you care about someone it makes it hard to see them the same way others do. We overlook a lot of qualities in the people we love that we wouldn't tolerate in others."

"Thanks, buddy," Emmett said, "but I was just an ass, pure and simple. I let him pull the wool over my eyes and hurt Seth in the process, and there's just no excuse for that."

"Stop beating yourself up, Emmy. I hate it," Seth ordered softly. "Let's go sit down and I'll finish telling Edward and Cliff what happened, and then we'll never talk about this again, all right?"

"Okay, Sweetie," Emmett said meekly. "Whatever you want."

"What I want is for you to be happy, you big dumb ox," Seth said, stepping up to Emmett and wrapping his arms around him. "I want you to find the right guy who is gonna treat you well and love the people you love, so you never have to make the kind of choice David wanted you to make."

"Since you knew all along how much of a jerk he would turn out to be, and don't even try to deny it, 'cause we both know I'm right, why didn't you say something sooner?"

"Because sometimes people aren't ready for the truth until they discover it for themselves. If I had told you before you were ready to believe it, I would have made it easier for him to turn you against me, and I'm too smart for that."

Emmett gathered Seth to him in a tight hug and pressed his face against the top of our shortest friend's head. "You are very smart, Sweetie. The smartest guy I know when it comes to stuff like this. But you're also wrong if you think there's a person in this world who could turn me against you. You're my brother, Seth. If you, Carson and I were in a burning building and I could only save one of you we'd all die, 'cause God help me, I wouldn't be able to choose."

I pulled Cliff close against me as we felt the power of the pure and genuine love passing between our good friends. We waited patiently, allowing them to finish their silent communication until they finally broke apart and Seth announced that we should all go to the living room so he could finish telling us the story.

Apparently Emmett absolutely refused to stay without Seth, and David went off the deep end, calling into question Emmett's decision to side with his 'tasteless whore' of a friend instead of his boyfriend. Frankly, I didn't really understand how Emmett kept his cool long enough to demand an apology, but when David refused to offer one, Emmett delivered a parting punch and he and Seth left without bothering to find out the extent of the damage.

"I hope you didn't take his words to heart, Seth" Cliff offered with sympathy. "Everyone in our community knows exactly who you are and how much you do and if they knew this idiot said what he said he'd be banned from every gay establishment in Seattle."

"Oh, Honey, I know," Seth was nonchalant as he flipped his hair over his shoulder from his perch on Emmett's lap. "Believe me, he will regret saying anything to me and hurting Emmett the way he did. I'm just glad that it's all over and we never have to deal with him again."

Emmett just nodded. "I sure know how to pick 'em, right?" he added.

"You know, Emmett, you're just a very kind man who looks for the good in everyone. It's unfortunate that sometimes people will try to take advantage of that, but it's no reflection on you that they are assholes," I told him.

"Yeah, Emmy. We love you, all of you, especially your big..." Seth, curled up against Emmett's chest, paused dramatically as he looked down between his own legs to Emmett's crotch and then back up into his eyes, his face full of innocence. "Heart," he completed, and we all laughed.

December passed by quickly and the holidays were upon us before we knew it. Cliff had to work until the last minute, so we didn't set off for Port Townsend until the afternoon of December 24. All his parents and Troy had flown in a couple of days earlier and drove over ahead of us, leaving Troy, who wanted to spend as much time as possible with Zack, in our charge. I was already done with finals so I hung out with the boys and supervised, always cognizant of the growing teens' need to nap, on a regular basis.

The drive to Port Townsend was short and uneventful, and the three of us arrived in time to enjoy Christmas Eve dinner. Apparently none of the parents thought it was fair to have my mom do all the cooking for the entire group, so this meal was a collaborative effort between Amelia and Tyrone. Siobhan and Rose's mom, Mary, were going to take charge of Christmas day breakfast and Mom, Bruce and Cliff would prepare the Christmas dinner. There were 14 of us in total. Mom, me and Cliff, Amelia and Thorpe, Bruce, Tyrone and Troy, Rosalie, Maggie, Siobhan and Liam and Mary and Steven. Baby Liam was there too of course, but he was sleeping by the time all the festivities really began. The only immediate family member that wasn't able to make it was Rosalie's brother, Jason, who was spending Christmas with his girlfriend, Zoe, and her family in Los Angeles. Jason and Zoe were a popular topic of dinner conversation, with everyone who knew him speculating whether Zoe would finally be the one to lasso Jason's heart and drag him to the altar. Jason had always enjoyed playing the field and wasn't eager to settle down with one woman, so the fact that he had agreed to go to Zoe's parents' home for Christmas was a big deal.

"I really think Zoe might be the one," Rosalie pronounced, "and I'm really glad. Jason needs someone who is going to take charge and not just put up with all his bullshit."

"She certainly seems to keep him on a short leash," Maggie agreed, "but surprisingly, he seems to like it."

"He's like an overgrown child," Rosalie's mom commented. "He thinks he wants freedom, but what he really craves is boundaries. And as long as Zoe sets appropriate limits for him, I'm all in favor of Jason settling down with her. We love Liam, but it would be great to have a few more grandkids."

Maggie and Rose looked at each other. It was clear they had heard this line before and weren't going to respond. I knew from previous conversations with the girls that while they wanted to have more kids down the road, at the moment bringing up Liam and settling into their new home was as much as they wanted on their plate, so I was sure they were happy to have the additional grandchildren conversation focus on Jason and Zoe.

In a departure from tradition, Amelia and Tyrone decided to serve Spanish food for Christmas Eve dinner, so we all feasted on paella and no less than a dozen different tapas, which lent themselves particularly well to the size of our group, with everyone finding something to suit their palate. Despite the fact that we had never gathered in this particular configuration before, conversation flowed smoothly and everyone got along famously. After dinner we retired to the parlor where Maggie played Christmas carols on the piano while the rest of us attempted to sing along. Knowing Cliff's preferences, Mom brought in a marbled lemon tart and a variety of cookies for dessert, along with hot spiced wine and Spanish style hot chocolate for Troy and anyone else who wanted it. We stayed up late into the night, singing, talking and generally having a good time. At one point I looked over to see Mom laughing at something she was discussing with Siobhan and Amelia, and I realized that I had never seen her this happy. For the first time in my life, and very possibly in hers, she was enjoying a true family holiday, and it didn't matter one bit that she was related by blood to only one other person in the room. Knowing that she got to experience this because of me and the people I brought into her life, was the best Christmas present I could get.

As it got late and everyone made an almost simultaneous decision to turn in, Troy asked if he could come up with Cliff and me to our room for a while to talk some more. We knew that he was just looking for a little cuddle time, so of course we said yes. With his seemingly boundless energy, Troy ran up the stairs to our room on the top floor, so that by the time we got there he was flopped dramatically across our bed, fingering the lace trimmed duvet.

"Man, Edward, I love your mom, you know that, but it feels like some sort of lace monster threw up in this house. I mean, I know we're gay and all, but I can't take all this frilly stuff and flowers everywhere and shit. Thank goodness that little guest room in her apartment is more normal. I'd feel like a girl sleeping in here - I can't imagine how the straight guys feel."

Cliff and I laughed as we lay down on either side of him. "You'd feel like a girl, huh?" I teased. "Then we'd best make you sound like one too," I reached over and started tickling him on his stomach, where I knew he was particularly sensitive. He tried to wiggle away towards Cliff, but my boyfriend just joined the attack from the other side. In no time Troy was squealing like a girl and begging for mercy. Cliff and I kept going until Troy warned that he was going to piss himself if we didn't stop, which made us let him go in a hurry. He lay back for a few moments, panting and still giggling, and then he turned to look from Cliff to me and back again.

"You guys are the best. This is the best. It's the most fun Christmas Eve I've had since my parents found out I was gay. That year we spent all of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day in church, the whole family, everyone praying to God to deliver me from evil and lead me away from sinful temptations," he snorted. "Guess Mom and Dad didn't have as much pull with God as they thought they did, 'cause he didn't exactly answer their prayers."

"Thank goodness God doesn't have time or inclination to answer such stupid requests," Cliff said. "Being gay isn't evil. It's the way God made us in the first place. People who question God's wisdom in his creation of homosexuals and then try to make us feel bad about ourselves because we love different people than they do are the real source of evil. God, and especially Jesus, never wanted us to spread hate and intolerance, only love. Living a good life and being kind and loving to others is so much more important than whether we're gay or straight. It has to be. I don't want anything to do with a God that doesn't stand for that, or his followers."

Troy turned to Cliff and pressed himself against Cliff's chest. I moved up close behind him. "That was beautifully said, and very true," I told Cliff.

"Thanks, Cap, and you too, Gem," he turned his head to look at me briefly. "For a while my parents actually convinced me that I was evil and that God hated me because of the things I did, and that I didn't deserve their or anyone's love. But now I know that's not true. I see how Dads love each other and how you love each other and I feel how you all love me. And then there's Zack, and how I feel about him can't be evil. And the only thing that would make this Christmas better is if he could be here."

"Someday, Leo, when you're both old enough to decide for yourselves, you can choose to spend holidays together, either with us or with his family, like Jason and Zoe," I reminded him.

"Oh, yeah," Troy brightened a little. "I'd miss you guys, but Zack's family is cool too. Well," he revised, "at least Brad and Stig are cool, the rest of them are all right. Having him here would be awesome!"

We talked for a little while longer, until I saw both Troy and Cliff trying to stifle their yawns, and we sent the kid down to his own bedroom for the night. After we got ready for bed, Cliff and I lay together in the dark, with Cliff draped over my chest as usual.

"Are you excited about tomorrow morning, Sunshine?" I asked as I softly stroked his back.

"Sure," he nodded. "But I'm even more excited about tomorrow night. No offence to Troy, but he's not coming up here with us tomorrow. We need time for our own celebration."

"Oh?" I asked curiously. "Do you have something in mind?"

"Well, my precious Gem, I thought maybe tomorrow night I could make love to you and make you feel as good as you always make me feel."

"Mm," I closed my eyes and pictured the various positions we'd made love in where Cliff took charge. I was looking forward to the following night already, and so was my stirring cock. "Something we'd done before or do you have a new position in your bag of tricks?" I asked.

"This would definitely be new," he offered, and I could hear his smile in his voice. I tried to picture what possible position there could be that we hadn't tried yet, but my imagination failed, and it didn't matter anyway.

"Well, I'm really looking forward to it. In fact, I can't wait. Nothing feels as good as being inside you, and the more ways we can find to do that, the better."

Cliff didn't respond and, remembering the yawns he'd tried to hide earlier, I figured he fell asleep. With my eyes still closed, I replayed in my head the night we made love after we declared out love for each other, the night he came without me having to touch him at all, until sleep took me as well.

The following morning Siobhan and Mary made German apple pancakes and a cheese hash brown casserole, and we all ate before going back to the living room to open presents. Because there were so many of us, it was understood that everyone would bring presents only for the people they usually exchanged gifts with though I knew Mom purchased small gifts for everyone, and everyone got a little something for her as well. Even with these limits, there were so many presents in the room there was barely enough space for all of us to fit.

At nearly 15 months, Liam was old enough to take interest in his presents, but not quite coordinated enough to open them by himself. Since Seth wasn't around, it fell to Troy to help Liam with his gifts, and Troy took to the task like a duck to water. I was in charge of distributing the gifts and Cliff took pictures as everyone unwrapped. There was one gift in the bunch that I knew would be unexpected, and I hoped would be well received. I deliberately waited until everyone had something to open and was, therefore, distracted, before handing the box to Siobhan and Liam.

"Just open it, please," I said as they looked at me, puzzled. "I hope you can enjoy it. If not, it’s yours to do with as you wish."

Siobhan took off the wrapping paper and tentatively lifted the box lid, looked inside and gasped.

"Edward, what is this? I don't understand?"

Her husband took the box from her and looked inside for himself, then turned to look at me as well with the same questions in his eyes.

"Now that Mom lives here, in Port Townsend, neither one of us has any need for the house in Forks, and we thought you might like to use it for yourselves. It has some very nice amenities that we thought you might enjoy. It's in a trust with you named as the beneficiaries, and there is enough money there to cover all the property taxes year to year, so that shouldn't be an issue."

"But this is your home," Siobhan looked from me to Mom.

"No," Mom answered calmly. "That house was Carlisle's house, it was never a home in the true sense of that word. Hopefully you can make it into one."

"Mom and I talked about it and we could think of no one better to live in my father's dream house, where he is no longer welcome, than you. But as I said, if you don't think you could enjoy it, it is yours to do with as you wish. You can sell it, give it away, whatever makes you happy. It doesn't make up for what my father and grandfather did, but it was the only thing I could think of."

"Edward," Siobhan said tears welling in her eyes. "It's not your responsibility to make up for anything other people have done. And as much as I detest what your grandfather and father did, if they had not done it I wouldn't have Maggie or Liam or my grandson. So you see, it all turned out for the best despite them. And this is too much."

"Please, believe us when we say Mom and I do not need the house. Neither one of us really wants to live in Forks again."

I knew from talking with her that no matter how the Bed & Breakfast worked out, Mom never wanted to go back to Forks. I might have clung to it more, but I knew Jasper had never returned there since leaving for New York, and in Late August the Barnes family moved to Arizona after Jerry accepted a position with a school district there, so I knew future visits from Jasper were no longer even a possibility. When I found out the family was moving, I briefly toyed with the idea of buying their house. I even spoke with my attorneys about it. Fortunately, even though it could be done completely anonymously, they helped talk me out of it. While their arguments were all financially and economically based, what finally swayed me was the realization that even if I had the house, without him there it would turn into an empty shell in a matter of months, and it would have the same disastrous hold on me as the apartment. I'd made the right decision in letting that go, and it was the right decision to forget the Barnes' home.

I exchanged a look with Liam. I knew if I could get her husband on my side, Siobhan would be more likely to accept the gift.

"It would be awfully hard to sell the house in this market," Liam said. "And with no one living in it, the place would fall into disrepair, might even get vandalized. Taking it from you would almost be like doing you a favor."

"Yes, exactly," I jumped on his line of reasoning.

"And if you or your mom ever got the urge to see the place again, you would, of course, be welcome."

Siobhan looked at her husband, finally understanding what he was thinking.

"But..." she began to protest.

"Sweetheart, it's polite to refuse a gift at first, it's bad luck to refuse altogether," Liam told her, his Irish accent suddenly heavier than normal. Siobhan demurred.

"Thank you, Edward, Esme," she told us. "It's a very generous gift. And as Liam said, you're welcome at our home anytime, regardless of where we live."

Opening all the presents took us into the early afternoon. Afterwards, the various guests separated to make phone calls to friends and family members. Cliff and I called Emmett and Seth, who once again traveled to Minnesota with his best friend, while Leah spent Christmas with their parents in South Dakota. The guys were having a great time, with Seth entertaining Emmett's mom and grandma while Emmett, his brother Carson, and Carson's now fiancé, Sonja, taking time to play in the snow. After all the phone calls were done, Cliff, Bruce and Mom retreated to the kitchen while Troy and I played with the baby and everyone else relaxed. Dinner was a gourmet fusion feast of traditional dishes, like baked ham and turkey, coupled with a lamb roast, Cliff's wonderful lasagna and Bruce's amazing shrimp and scallop stir fry. We took our time indulging ourselves, and after dinner played Scattegories and Outburst and Balderdash.

Before dinner started I told Troy that Cliff and I needed time alone in the evening, so he didn't even try to come upstairs with us when everyone started dispersing at the end of the night. We walked up holding hands, my cock hardening in anticipation of what promised to be a sexy evening, with Cliff taking charge. I closed the door behind us and looked at him, expecting directions. Instead, he pressed himself against me in an almost clingy way, explaining that he hadn't realized how much energy cooking would take out of him and asking if I could take the lead as usual. At first it was hard to hide my disappointment, but then I sensed a need in him I hadn't felt before, and my sole focus became his satisfaction. Cognizant of his lower energy level, we made love slowly and sensually, in stark contrast to our more typical urgent couplings. I took care to reverently worship every part of his body, maintaining a constant sexual tension that built slowly throughout the night until I was finally on top of him and inside him, stroking him with my hand and filling him with my cock while gazing into his intense, ice blue eyes, both of us coming simultaneously as we quietly professed our love. It wasn't how I expected to spend the night, but as we kissed deeply and passionately long after our orgasms were over, I knew that I had delivered exactly what Cliff had been looking for. And because of his reluctance to release me from his hold even as exhaustion overtook us, for once I fell asleep in his arms, draped over his chest.

Due to Cliff's work schedule, we had to leave the following afternoon, taking Troy with us so he could spend more of his break with Zack. It was strange leaving everyone behind, knowing they were all going to stay with Mom through New Year's, but as much as I loved the family time, I was glad to be out of the flower and lace environment. I also looked forward to hanging out with Troy and Zack, as well as Emmett and Seth, who would also be returning to go back to work, neither of them having quite enough vacation time or seniority to take off the whole week.

In fact, I knew Seth would have been back in Seattle for New Year's regardless, since he was scheduled to judge some silly Mr. New Year contest at a club party that he told us in no uncertain terms we were expected to attend. I was just about to make our excuses when Cliff piped up that the party sounded like fun and we would definitely be there. I gritted my teeth but said nothing, not wanting to start an argument in front of our friends. As soon as Cliff turned to look at me, though, I let him know with my angry, narrow eyes exactly what I thought of the idea. I expected to see regret or chagrin. Instead, Cliff straightened his back and looked at me defiantly for a long moment before turning away. I balled my fists in frustration at his blatant disregard for my wishes, vowing to have a serious discussion about this when we got home.

I waited until after Troy was in bed and Cliff and I were in our room for the night to bring up the subject and my resentment at his unilateral decision making. But the conversation didn't go at all the way I planned. Instead of being contrite, Cliff was prepared with a counterargument.

"I'm not sure you have the right to resent anything, considering you were about to make a unilateral decision about us not going without discussing it with me first."

I stared at him, surprised and unable to deny the truth of his statement.

"Since when are you the only one who gets to make decisions for us. I think the party sounds like fun, and it's not like we go out so often that we're tired of clubbing. Besides, we bailed on Seth and Emmett last year when we stayed in Spokane. There's no reason to do that when we're in Seattle."

"What about Leo and Zack? They can't exactly go clubbing with us, can they?"

"We can ask Brad and Stig if they would be willing to stay home with them. And even if they can't, the boys are not exactly children. There's no reason they can't stay here by themselves. Don't you trust them?"

"Their parents are expecting us to chaperone."

"And a fine job we've done of that, giving them every opportunity we could to be alone together, even spend nights together. Stop hiding behind the boys and just tell me what's really going on. Why are you so hell bent on not going to the club with Seth and Emmett?"

"Because we hate the club scene. It's not what we do. It's never been what we do. And I don't understand why we should do something we don't normally enjoy just because it's December 31st. Why can't we just stay home, like we did last year? We can watch the telecast and then celebrate in private, instead of being crushed by a bunch of drunk, half-naked, horny strangers we wouldn't want to be around any other day of the year."

"Jesus, Edward, listening to you no one would guess you're younger than me. You sound like an old man. I know we don't usually go clubbing, but this is a special night and a friend asked us to go and we should, to support him the way he has always supported us. And if you really want to stay home so badly then fine, we can do that, but let's ask Brad and Stig and some of our other friends to come over and make our own party with people we know and love, not plant ourselves in front of the TV like a couple of geriatrics, watching a show from a city we don't even live in. I mean, talking about a bunch of drunken strangers - that describes the entire crowd in Times Square. At least at the club we'll know some people. It's not like you're going to see anyone you know on a TV show from New York City."

I tried very hard to keep my reaction hidden, but he hit too close to the mark. I saw recognition flash in his eyes and I knew my argument was lost.

"All right," I said quietly. "This year we'll do it your way. We'll go to the club."

He didn't say anything, didn't even look at me.

"Sunshine," I stepped towards him and tried to take his hand, but he turned away.

"Don't, Edward," he said sadly. He started walking to the bedroom door.

"Wait, where are you going? You won. We'll go to the party. No telecast."

He turned back towards me.

"Really, Edward? Just like that? That's your solution? We go to the club and never talk about this again? Just like we never talked about why it really took you as long as it did to leave your apartment and move in with me? Just like we never talked about that mysterious box in the back of the closet? Just like we never talk about the way your heard turns just so every time Emmett or Seth mention having had contact with him?"

"Cliff, you're being unfair," I pleaded, though deep down I knew his anger was valid. I just didn't know what I could do to counter it.

"Why?" I realized that he wasn't going to back down. He was making this so hard, and I really had no idea what to say.

"I've always been up front about my past with you, and how hard losing Jasper was for me. I've tried to let him go, I'm still trying, but you know better than most people how difficult it is." I looked for any sign of compassion from him, anything to let me know that he was starting to see my side, but saw none. "It's not like you never think about Gio," I choked out desperately, and immediately regretted it as Cliff's face turned to stone.

"You're right. I do still, on occasion, think about Gio," he looked straight at me as he spoke. "But I know he's not coming back. I don't look for him around every corner. I don't listen for updates on his life. I love you, completely. I want to be with you, and no one else."

"It's not the same," I whispered. Tears filled my eyes. "Gio can't come back."

It wasn't the same, and I had been stupid to bring it up. It didn't help my argument at all, only brought him pain, unnecessarily reminding him of his permanent loss. And since I had long reconciled myself to his occasional recollections of Gio, it was also petty and pointless, especially since we both knew he wasn't complaining about me recalling experiences I shared with Jasper in the past. His grievance involved the present and future.

"I love you, Sunshine, you have to know that," it was the only argument I had left. "I've done everything I could to show you how much I love you and to make you happy. I thought we were both in love and happy."

I was crying now, and it was my turn to walk away from him as I made my way to the bed and sat down, burying my face in my hands. My best argument, the best I had to offer him, wasn't good enough. No matter how much I wanted to give him all of me, I just couldn't give Jasper up completely. I was trying. I was getting better, even. But I couldn't make Cliff any guarantees that I would ever be able to completely let go of my hope of seeing Jasper and speaking with him, even if just to explain things from my perspective, and to make him understand that while I may have acted like a selfish bastard, all I felt for him was love.

"I'm sorry, Sunshine," I spoke through my tears. "I wish I could be a better man for you. I thought you understood."

"I do understand," he was suddenly in front of me, kneeling on the floor before me, taking my hands in his and peeling them away from my face until I could see what I already heard in his voice, that he was crying too. "I do know how hard this is for you and that you've been trying. Sometimes days or even weeks will go by without any sign that you're thinking of him, and I convince myself that it's over, that I finally have all of you. But then something like this happens and we go back to square one. I'm trying too, Eddie, but I don't know how many more times I can go through this."

I could see the agony in his face, and knowing that I was the cause made me doubt myself in ways I hadn't since those darkest days after Jasper left. Was this my destiny? Was pain all I would ever have to offer the men who loved me and who I tried to love in return? No matter how I looked at it, the fairest, the most honorable thing would be to let him go, so that I wouldn’t keep hurting him. And yet, as much as I wanted to do the right thing, the selfless thing, the thing that would probably be best for him, I couldn’t.

"Please be a little more patient with me. Let me try harder. I love you and I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you."

He closed his eyes and sighed.

"I don't want to lose you either, Eddie. When I met you, I just wanted to move ahead a little from where I was. I really wasn't looking for a lifetime partner. But then we fit together so perfectly in so many ways, you made it impossible for me not to fall in love with you. It was hard enough considering a life without you last year, before we were really together. Now... I wouldn't be losing just you. I'd be losing two more sisters, and Liam, and your mom, and Seth and Emmett - a whole family."

"But don't you see? It doesn't have to be that way. Please. We love each other. Most of the time we're so Goddamn happy together. I don't know any other couple who gets along as well as we do. Even Rose and Maggie argue more than we do. We can't let this one thing destroy us. What we have, it's worth fighting for. Please, Sunshine, fight with me."

He lowered his head and I felt the warm drops of his tears hit out hands. "I don't want to lose you," he repeated, "so I have been fighting. I've been battling myself, trying to keep it all inside and not let you see what all this is doing to me, trying to focus on the good things, trying not to let the resentment and anger take over, but it's getting harder and harder," he lifted his head to look at me again. "I've been patient and have tried to give you time and space to get over him, but nothing seems to help. I've given you all my love, everything I have, and it hasn't been enough. I really don't have anything left to fight with, and I don't know how much longer I can go on like this."

I heard the defeat in his voice. It at once broke my heart and terrified me. I couldn't lose him too. He had saved me, taught me how to love, showed me that I was worthy of love. How would I go on without him? I slid off the bed onto my knees, facing him. I wanted to grab him into a tight hold and never let him go, but I restrained myself, squeezing his hands tightly instead.

"I need more time," I choked out. "I could tell you that it's over as of now, that I'll never think about him again, but we both know that would be a lie. I'll go to more therapy sessions. Maybe we can go together? I just need more time. I know it's unfair to ask this of you, but it's the best I can do. Please don't give up on me yet."

He was silent for what seemed like eternity, and I could see fragments of the battle going on inside him reflected in his eyes and on his face as I held my breath, waiting for his answer. When I saw his lips part to start his answer, however, a sudden terror gripped me, more powerful than anything I felt before, and instead of letting him speak I leaned into him and took his lips in a hard, passionate kiss, fully aware that it could have been our last. He was startled, and at first he didn't respond, though neither did he resist. I kept going, letting go of his hands and wrapping my arms around him, slipping my tongue between his parted lips to explore his mouth, to taste him, refusing to believe it was all coming to an end. I tried to channel all my feelings for him into the kiss and to fuse our love and souls together though a union of our lips and tongues. Streams of tears poured from my eyes, becoming heavier still when, at last, he started to respond, to kiss me back with the full force of his passion.

I knew that as long as we were kissing, we were together, so I was reluctant to let him go when, after a long while, I felt him pulling away. But then we couldn't spend our lives locked in a never-ending kiss, so I released him and waited for his decision.

"Okay," the single word was a soft whisper, barely audible.

"Okay?" I was almost afraid to ask for confirmation, afraid he might change his mind, but I had to be sure.

"Okay," he nodded. Neither one of us said anything else. Instead, we fell into another embrace, another kiss, even more frantic this time. Still wordlessly and without breaking contact we rose to our feet, our hands desperately fumbling with the various fasteners on our clothing, tugging at and pulling off shirts and pants and socks until we were naked and tumbled onto the bed. Unlike the previous night, Cliff seemed to want to take the lead and I was more than content to let him, especially as I felt his lips descend over my chest and stomach to my rock hard cock. This wasn't a slow, loving blow job - it was Cliff at his most masterful, using all his skills and talents to get me off quickly and fully. Completely forgetting that Troy was staying with us, I made no effort to muffle my cries as the powerful orgasm he drew from me ripped through my body, causing me to buck and shudder beneath his talented mouth and hands. He continued sucking relentlessly, almost to the point of pain, until he milked me dry.

When he finally released my softening dick I lay back, eyes closed, panting, wanting to reciprocate but unable to summon the strength to even offer. Cliff moved up beside me and turned me onto my side, spooning up behind me, his hard cock pressing against the length of my crack. Uncharacteristically, he threw his arm over my lower abdomen and pulled me even closer to him, so that I could feel every inch of the soft skin encasing his steel rod. Then he began to move his hips, his shaft moving up and down along my ass and tail bone. We'd never done this before, but it was erotic, and as exhausted and spent as I was, I felt my own prick stirring to life against the arm that held me tightly against the man behind me. Cliff felt it as well, and loosened his hold to grasp my pole, jacking me in time with his trusts. He was humping me faster and faster, and his grip on my penis became too tight, but knowing that I wouldn't be able to come again this quickly anyway I clenched my jaw and said nothing. I knew there would be no permanent harm done and his release was more important at the moment than my discomfort. It wasn't long before I felt all his muscles contract followed by wetness, as he covered my back and ass with spurts of his warm, sticky cum. I expected him to get up and get a wash cloth to clean us off, but he merely released his grip on my cock and wrapped his arm around my chest, continuing to hold me close. I wasn't in any position to question or criticize, so I just leaned back against him, taking comfort in the steady beat of his heart, grateful that he was there beside me after I came so close to losing him. Both of us completely exhausted, we quickly fell asleep.