Chapter 28

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Chapter 28: I Walk a Lonely Road

The next morning Cliff had to get up early for work. Since I was on break I could have stayed in bed longer, but getting up, showering, and eating breakfast with him was more important than sleep. Things between us seemed fine on the surface, but there was something in the air that kept me on edge. When I walked him to the door to kiss and hug him before he was on his way, I found myself clinging just a little too long, feeling less certain of us than I did before. After he left I re-filled my coffee mug and sat on the living room sofa, replaying the previous night's events over and over in my head until I felt Troy sit down beside me and lean his head against my shoulder.

"Is everything alright, Gem?" he asked quietly.

"Sure," I said mechanically. "Why do you ask?"

"I heard you and Cap arguing last night. And you've been crying."

I looked up at him, startled.

"I've cried myself to sleep often enough to know what it looks like the next day," he explained. "What were you fighting about?"

"It's kind of complicated, Leo," I said evasively. I didn't want to explain the whole Jasper thing to him. It was a private matter between me and Cliff. "But we worked it out. We're fine now," I tried to sound confident, wrapping my arm around him and pulling him close in the hopes that this would reassure him, wishing there was someone who could similarly reassure me.

"Good," he nodded as he pressed himself even closer against me. "Because I love the two of you. And I love that you're together."

"Me too, Leo," I confided. "Me too."

The rest of the week until New Year's passed in relative peace and quiet. Cliff and I didn't speak about what happened the night of our argument, but it would be inaccurate to say that we were completely back to normal. There was no denying that the things he said, the defeat I heard in his voice that night, rattled me to the core. As a result I was walking on eggshells, afraid to say or do anything that might upset him and make him change his mind. The day before New Year's Eve, while Troy was hanging out at Zack's house, I even called Maggie, who was still up in Port Townsend, and asked her if I could drop off the box with Jasper's stuff over at her house for safekeeping.

"Oh my God, Edward, why are you keeping a box of Jasper's things, and in your apartment, of all places? Did Cliff find it?" she asked, alarmed.

"He saw the box and suspected what it was, though I don't think he ever opened it to confirm. But he brought it up the other day and I couldn't lie to him. And now I need to get it out of the house. Please, Mags, can I keep it at your place? It's not that large."

"Wouldn't it be better if you got rid of it altogether? Or if you gave it to Seth or Emmett so they can send it on to Jasper?"

I remained silent, ashamed of my inability to let go of the few remaining physical items of his I had left. I had promised Cliff that I would try, but for now moving the box to Maggie's would have to be good enough. I had to learn to walk before I could run. Maggie sighed, understanding without having to be told.

"All right," she agreed. "You have the key to the house. Just put it in the spare room closet."

I felt guilty the entire drive to Kent and as I buried the box in the back of the closet under extra pillows and blankets. I felt even more guilt when I spotted the DVR on my way out. I knew I should have kept walking out of the house, but I was like a man possessed. I turned on the TV and the box and programmed it to record the New Year's telecast, hating myself the entire time for being so incredibly weak. I wasn't even sure why I was doing this, since there would be no good time for me to come over to this house to watch anything, but I still couldn't pass up the opportunity to record a program that I could not, under any circumstances, record at home. Knowing that the show was recording would help me relax, and if I never actually watched, it would be like it was never recorded in the first place. Even as I rationalized my actions, I knew what I was doing was wrong, and I felt like a dirty, lying dog. However, none of that was enough to stop me.

On New Year's Eve we had the limo driver stop at Brad and Stig's place to pick them up while dropping Troy off. As it turned out, Brad was on the same wavelength with us about his aunt's overprotectiveness of Zack, so he didn't mind spinning up a story about Zack spending New Year's at Brad's place and staying the night, while omitting the facts that he and Stig would be out with us and Troy would be spending the night as well.

To my shock and surprise, I actually enjoyed the party at the club. Cliff wore his skinniest jeans and a super-tight, semi-sheer muscle shirt, things I didn't even know he owned, both of which showed off nicely everything he had to offer. And while I didn't have a wardrobe that was as club appropriate, Cliff seemed to appreciate how I looked in my most fitted jeans and black tee, even if the look took little effort. By the time we joined the party, Seth was already holding court and Emmett seemed to have found a few like-minded souls to drink beer with on the sidelines. Brad and Stig were all about dancing, and they had no qualms about dragging Cliff and me out on the floor with them. I'd never been much of a dancer, but Cliff was actually pretty good, and the way he moved around me made me look competent even when I basically just stood still. I liked the slow songs best, because we could just sway to those, pressed up close to one another, but I could find little wrong with the fast songs either, when all I had to do was keep my hands on Cliff's hips or waist or chest as he undulated against me. I saw and liked that I caught many guys looking at one or both of us appreciatively. I knew we looked good, and I imagined my expression was pretty haughty as I silently thought they could all eat their hearts out. A few times a guy would get brave enough to try to separate or join us, but I took care of them pretty quickly by pulling Cliff close and turning, so that dancing with us proved impossible. If that didn't work, I outright told them to take a hike.

We were virtually inseparable the entire night, even leaving the dance floor together to get drinks. At one point, though, I needed to go to the john and I thought it would be too bizarre to ask Cliff to go with me, so I left him dancing with Brad and Stig as I made my way through the crush of dancing boys. I took care of business quickly, but when I returned I saw a twink had used my brief absence as an opening to dance with Cliff. I didn't particularly like the way the little shirtless punk was brazenly grinding his ass into Cliff's cock, but I wasn't concerned. I knew what my boyfriend liked and I knew he'd have no interest in what was very clearly being offered. Instead of rushing to his side to rescue him, as I would if the roles were reversed, I paused on the floor and watched them with some amusement. I expected Cliff to put up with the twink for a while and then to set him aside when he got bored, so I was surprised when he did nothing of the sort, and instead pulled the little guy and his gyrating ass even closer. I started walking towards them again, though slowly, not knowing what to make of this development. Cliff was definitely playing the top role, and he didn't look at all uncomfortable doing it. I furrowed my brow, uncertain what to do next. Cliff didn't seem to be missing me much and I had no intention of competing for his attention with some twink, so I veered off to the side and started looking for Emmett. I found him in the same place we had left him, still drinking beer with his friends.

"Hey, Edward," he greeted me cheerfully. "Tired of dancing? Where's Cliff?" his eyes focused behind me, looking for my boyfriend.

"He's dancing." I answered flatly. I didn't know how to explain what I was feeling. I shouldn't be jealous of the twink, yet something about the way Cliff danced with him didn't sit well with me. It wasn't right that he was so close, so intimate with another guy.

"He's dancing with someone other than you?" Emmett expressed his surprise.

"I went to the toilet and some twink stuck his ass in his crotch," I said as I signaled the bartender for a beer. "I don't get it, Emmett," I turned to my friend to vent my frustration. "Would you let a guy who's obviously a bottom rub himself all over you? I mean, I sure as fuck wouldn't want another top grinding up on me."

"First of all, I'm not much of a dancer," Emmett pointed out, "but sure, if a guy was cute enough, I'd dance with a bottom. But then I've switched before. Has Cliff?"

"Switched?" I looked him, feeling pretty stupid.

"Yeah. You know, there are guys like you and Seth, who only ever want to top or bottom, but plenty of guys are more open minded and on occasion, with the right guy or when the mood is just right, or their partner wants a change, they switch. I prefer to bottom, but there have been a couple of guys who asked me to top them, so I did. I guess you and Cliff never talked about that?"

I shook my head, realizing that although Cliff knew the exact details of my experience with Jasper, I really didn't know much about what he did with Gio. Initially, Cliff told me he was a good bottom, so I assumed that's all he did. It never crossed my mind to ask if he topped, and he never volunteered the information.

"Here you go, honey," I turned to find the bartender handing me my beer. I took it, mouthing my thanks. The advantage of dropping a couple of large bills at the beginning of the night to take care of the tab and tip was that I never had to wait too long to get served. Bottle in hand, I turned towards the dance floor to look for Cliff, only to find him standing right beside me.

"I didn't know you were done in the bathroom," he pouted. "You were gone so long, I went in there looking for you. Why didn't you come get me? I could use another beer too."

"You seemed to be having quite a good time with your other dance partner. I didn't want to disturb you," I wanted to keep the accusatory tone out of my voice, but didn't quite succeed.

His expression softened and he stepped closer to me, lifting his hand to caress my cheek. "Eddie, are you jealous? That's really sweet, but I was just filling time until you got back. You know I'd much rather dance with you."

I neither saw nor heard anything that would indicate he was being less than completely honest with me, and deep down I knew that the twink wasn't really a threat. I felt a little foolish for making something out of nothing, and I responded as I always did when Cliff leaned in to kiss me, but something about the way Cliff danced and what Emmett had said about switching continued to irritate, making me feel like there was a key piece of information about my boyfriend that I didn't know. This wasn't a time and place to discuss it, but sometime soon Cliff and I would have to talk.

For the rest of the night Cliff and I danced as though nothing happened, watched Seth evaluate the contestants and choose a Mr. New Year, then shared a passionate kiss at the stroke of midnight. We stayed at the club a bit longer, but eager to continue our celebration in private, we took the limo home before Brad and Stig were ready to leave, promising to send it back for them after we got dropped off. Cliff, who'd had more to drink than I had and was feeling quite frisky, nearly attacked me on the way to the car, so we started celebrating early, asking the driver to put up the privacy partition and getting busy in the limo. By the time we reached the apartment Cliff had very nearly sucked me off. Fortunately, I was able to stop him and tuck myself into my jeans quickly as the limo slowed at the building and Cliff and I both emerged, he on slightly unsteady feet, giggling like a schoolboy. Up at the apartment, he pushed me against the wall and reached for my fly as soon as the door closed behind us, but I caught his wrist and kept him away from his goal.

"Eddie," he complained, "I'm thirsty. I need to drink from your hot, hard hose," he tried with his other hand but I caught that wrist too and maneuvered both his to the small of his back, in a simulated handcuffed position, as I lowered my head to lick and nibble on his neck.

"You know I love it when you suck me," I told him. "But I think you've had quite enough to drink tonight already. And besides, it's the beginning of the new year and I think we should start it off right by making love."

"But why can't we do both?" he pouted.

"Because it's late, and as much as I'd like to do both, I do need some time to recover, and we should get some sleep before Leo comes back tomorrow."

"Yes, but you don't necessarily have to recover for us to make love," he slurred, pressing his pelvis into mine so that our erections rubbed against one another. "I could suck you off and fill your pretty little ass, couldn't I?"

My whole body stiffened as I tried to process his suggestion. I looked down at him, trying to read his expression, but all I saw there was contentment and the glazed, half-closed eyes of someone who probably should have stopped drinking a little earlier than he actually did. Obviously, this didn't help me at all. In all the time we've been together, I couldn't recall him bringing up topping even once, so I had no idea where this was coming from. Was Cliff really a switch and had been hiding the fact from me because he knew I was a committed top or did dancing with the twink tonight just put a suggestion in his head that he was unable to properly reject in his inebriated state? Either way, he was clearly in no shape for a proper discussion, and not wanting to bring down the mood I decided to just dismiss the idea.

"Why don't we leave experiments for another night and be a little more traditional tonight, Sunshine? I've been thinking all night about the two of us in our bed, naked, with me tightly sheathed inside you, pumping in and out as I look into your beautiful eyes."

"Mm," Cliff murmured, smiling his wide smile. "That sounds really good, Eddie. I love to watch you when you come inside me."

"I love watching you come too," I told him. "So come on, let's put on our favorite show."

I released his wrists and took his hand, pulling him towards the bedroom. When he swayed dangerously instead of moving, I stepped closer to him and put my arms around his waist. "Someone overindulged a little at the club, huh? Did it all just hit you, Baby? You seemed fine before." I'd had a lot to drink too, but having to take care of Cliff seemed to sober me up.

"Huh?" he looked up at me as if he didn't understand a word I'd said. I didn't bother repeating it, just pulled him along and supported him all the way to our room.

"Not so fast, Eddie. Why is everything spinning?" he slurred as we slowly made our way to the bedroom. I was beginning to realize that any thoughts either of us had of making love might have to be put on hold. I took him to the bathroom and helped keep him upright when he announced that he had to piss. Then I sat him down on the bed and stripped off his clothes before I let him lay down. He was at least half asleep before his head even hit the pillow.

"You're so good to me. Love you, Eddie," he mumbled. "Let me suck your cock," he tried to reach for it as he spoke, but was so disoriented his hand was nowhere near me.

"Tomorrow, Baby," I promised, though I knew he'd be in no mood for that the next day. "Can you try to stay awake for a few more minutes?"

He hummed a response and I knew he probably wouldn’t make it, but I went back to the kitchen and poured us both a glass of ice water. I put his glass on his bedside table then went back to the bathroom to find the ibuprofen. He was snoring lightly when I came back to his side, and I debated for a minute. I knew he'd be better off with some water and painkiller in his system, but I couldn't bring myself to wake him, so I just put the pills by the glass for when he woke up. I popped a couple myself and drained the water, going back to the kitchen for a refill. I wasn't tired yet, and my dick was still ready for action that was not going to be delivered this night. I sat down on our sofa and put my head back, relishing the silence. It was another new year, and with a start I realized that I hadn't even thought about Jasper all night. I was happy, but shocked, and of course once his name finally crossed my mind he was all I could think about. I wondered if this was the year the cameras caught him in Times Square again, and I'd missed it because I was too busy watching my boyfriend grind himself into some twink's ass. That thought made me angry, especially as I wondered if Cliff had been keeping things from me and had aspirations of becoming the top in our relationship. I could suck you off and fill your pretty little ass, couldn't I ? His statement from earlier kept ringing in my ears. I wasn't interested in anyone filling my ass. That was my job - it was what I did.

I didn't want to go there, but my mind would not be controlled. As soon as I closed my eyes I saw Jasper, naked, on all fours on top of the bed in my room. I'd avoided thinking about that night for months, but now it was there, as vivid as if it was happening in front of me again. This time, though, it was different. I was different. Instead of just mindlessly pulling on a condom and lubing up before I fucked him, I took my time, running my hands all over his perfect body, leaning down to leave a trail of kisses along his back and down his ass all the way to his balls. Sucking in first one of his stones, then the other, caressing them gently with my lips and tongue. I turned so that I was on my back and slipped beneath him, between his legs, until my mouth was even with his big hard cock, which I kissed and licked reverently before pulling it into my mouth and waiting for him to start thrusting. I heard him moan in pleasure as he thrust deeper and deeper, and then groan when I moved my hands to his hips and pulled him down on top of me so that his rod was lodged deep in my throat. He stayed still for a moment, his length buried in my mouth and throat. Then he resumed his thrusts and I was sucking him again, my saliva mixing with his precum, until he pulled out abruptly, leaving me hurt and confused. I tried reaching for him but he pulled away, moving off me and sitting next to me. I told him I wanted to finish sucking him off, but he shook his head in denial and told me that he wanted to come with me inside him. He lay on his back and drew his knees up towards his shoulders. I felt a jolt of joy go through me as I realized this wasn't a rejection, but an invitation.

This time I wasn't a scared boy, completely unfamiliar with how to make love to a man. This time I sat up confidently and knew exactly what I needed to do to prepare him, and then how to make him feel great once he was ready. I leaned forward over his curled up form, spread open and waiting for me, and I dipped my face between his legs. I started with his balls, already tight in their sac, covering them with the flat of my tongue and a layer of my copious saliva. I was so hungry for him and he tasted so good, my mouth was literally watering. I lapped lower, over his perineum, until I reached the rippled flesh of his opening. Although I wanted to, I didn't immediately zone in on my intended target, electing to shower the surrounding area with small licks and gentle nips. I could tell he loved it by the sounds he made and the way he spread his legs further and lifted his backside to make it even easier for me to reach. I positioned my hands to support his ass, my thumbs circling the soft skin of his cheeks, as I finally dipped my tongue to his center and let the tip swirl around the puckered rosette. His pleas for me to fuck him with my tongue spurred me on and I obliged, pushing my tongue past the tight ring of muscle that surrounded his entrance until I was doing exactly what he wanted, thrusting and jabbing in and out, making him cry out with pleasure.

Then he demanded more, and my aching hard cock echoed the sentiment. I pulled back and stuck several fingers of my right hand in my mouth, coating them with my spit for lubrication. I moved my hand to his crack running my fingertips over his hole, already slick with my earlier efforts. I pressed my middle finger against him and it penetrated him easily. He begged for more and I obliged, adding my index finger and probing deeper inside him, until my fingertips reached his prostate and I moved them slowly to massage his pleasure center, causing him to writhe beneath me. He told me it was too much and asked me to stop, telling me he needed my cock inside him instead. I could deny him nothing, pulling out my hand, lubing up and positioning myself at his entrance. I pushed inside him slowly, watching his face the entire time for any signs of discomfort or pain, but I saw none. His beautiful eyes were wide open and focused on me with love and intensity. I continued to press slowly until I was fully inside. I leaned over him and lowered my head to his, capturing his lips in a passionate kiss, joining us completely and perfectly. I knew exactly how good it would feel to move, and yet I held still, enjoying the paradise of my hard rod encased in his softness. Finally, he began to move impatiently against me, and once again I obliged, lifting my upper body and withdrawing and filling him over and over again with slow, smooth, steady thrusts. He was vocal in the throes of passion, moving his head from side to side and telling me exactly how I was making him feel as his orgasm kept building. I looked down to see a pool of precum welling beneath his head. Re-balancing my weight onto one arm, I reached down for him and pressed my hand into the wetness on his stomach to lubricate it before I reached for his erection and began to stroke him. He started moving more beneath me. I could see he was close to losing control. I, too, was having a hard time keeping a steady pace. Moments later I felt his cock stiffen in my hand and he cried out his love for me, giving me just enough time to lower my head to his chest and open my mouth as his sweet cum exploded out of his throbbing staff, hitting my cheek and chin and sliding into my waiting mouth, aided by my tongue. I relished his flavor as I swallowed, hoping for more. His next jets had a shorter trajectory and didn't reach my face, but I had no time for regret as the clenching muscles of his tunnel sent me over the edge as well. I continued stroking and pumping until the muscles of the arm holding up my upper body gave out and I collapsed on top of him, our lips colliding together in another passionate kiss.

A piercing screech of brakes outside the apartment startled me out of my thoughts. For a moment, I was disoriented, unsure of what was happening. I felt wetness on my hand and remembered Jasper, but I was sitting up on a sofa, not lying down on the bed and as my eyes adjusted to the dark I could see I was alone. With a deep sigh I threw my head back against the sofa and stared at the ceiling. I was alone, in the living room of the apartment I shared with my partner, dick in hand, jacking off to a fantasy about the one person I had promised to stop thinking about. I felt guilty and dirty and pissed off that I let my imagination get so far out of control. I didn't feel bad about jacking off, but I should have been thinking about Cliff, the man I was committed to, the man who nearly left me a few days ago because I could not let go of my attachment to Jasper and whom I begged to stay and give me another chance, which I clearly did not deserve.

I felt the sting of tears in my eyes. I was a liar. I made promises to Cliff that I knew I couldn't keep. But if he knew the truth he would leave me, and while it was probably what I deserved, I wasn't brave enough to man up and be honest with him because the thought of life without him, of life alone with just my memories of Jasper for company, scared me to death. I remembered what it was like before I met him and he rescued me from the hell of my own mind. He deserved a better man than me, he deserved more than I could ever give him, but while I could acknowledge that in my head, I couldn't let him go. I hated myself for my cowardice, for using him, for being dishonest. Yet I knew that when morning came, I would share none of this with him. It would be just one more dirty little secret locked away with all the other thoughts and yearnings for Jasper that I so desperately tried to keep Cliff from learning about.

I heard another passing car on the street and realized that my sitting and thinking was not going to do anyone any good. It was late and I needed to get some sleep. One of us needed to be in some sort of shape the next day to hang out with Troy, and it was doubtful Cliff would be up to the task. I wiped my hand on my tee shirt, got to my feet, went to the kitchen to down another glass of water, and went back to the bedroom. Cliff was still sleeping, undisturbed by the light I'd left on. I took off my cum stained tee shirt and jeans and tossed both into the hamper in our en-suite bathroom. I quickly brushed my teeth, turned off the light and climbed into bed. Cliff had shifted onto his back, a position he rarely slept in, but one that allowed me to slide next to him and slip my arm around him. As soon as he felt me touch him, though, he whined in complaint and moved away from me. I knew it was just restlessness and sensitivity caused by the alcohol, not a rejection of me, but it came too close to echoing my worst fear. Unable to be close to him, I turned over onto my other side and curled up into a ball, the fear of Cliff leaving me keeping me awake late into the night.

I woke up to the ring of the telephone, only a few hours after I finally fell asleep. Groggily I fumbled for the phone, which I'd placed on my nightstand when we got home.

"Gem? Are you guys up? Brad was gonna drop me off at your place before he takes Zack home. Is that all right?" Troy sounded entirely too awake and excited for this time of morning. I opened my eyes and tried to focus on the alarm clock, which seemed to say it was 10:00 a.m. It didn't seem like that was possible, and even if it was, how could Brad be awake already when he and Stig stayed out later than Cliff and I? Then I remembered that Brad didn't drink a whole lot, so he probably had a much better night's sleep despite getting in later.

"Um, Edward?" Troy reminded me that I had yet to answer.

"We're sort of awake, Leo, but sure, come on home." My voice was as thick as my tongue.

"Okay, cool. I'll see you in a few. Bye."

"Bye," I flipped the phone closed and put it back on the nightstand, groaning slightly at the stiffness of my muscles. I turned over to see Cliff next to me, with barely open eyes.

"How are you feeling?" I asked him softly.

"Like I've been chewed up and spit out," he mumbled. "My head is killing me and it's too damn bright in this room," he folded his arm and pressed the forearm over his eyes for emphasis.

"I'm sorry, Baby," I said sympathetically, raising my hand to stroke his cheek. "I put water and ibuprofen by your bedside. Why don't you take it and go back to sleep. I'll close the drapes."

I got up slowly and walked over to the window, pulling the drapes together to darken the room. I turned to find him chasing his pills with the water, then lying back down. I walked over to sit beside him on the bed.

"Leo's coming home, so I need to get up. Will you be all right? Can I get you anything?"

He opened his eyes to look at me gratefully. "I think I just need some more sleep," he said. "But thank you, Eddie, I really appreciate the offer and the painkillers. That was really thoughtful." His eyes were drifting closed before he even finished speaking. I leaned down and kissed him briefly.

"Get some rest, Sunshine. Call if you need anything. I love you."

"Love you too," he murmured sleepily.

I went to the bathroom to relieve myself and jumped in for a quick shower before brushing my teeth and pulling on a fresh pair of jeans and tee-shirt. It wasn't more than a couple of minutes after I got to the kitchen that the phone rang announcing Troy was downstairs. I buzzed him up and turned on the coffee maker before opening the door to wait for him. He nearly knocked me over with his strong hug after running to me from the elevator.

"Happy New year, Gem!" he exclaimed, entirely too loudly.

"Happy New Year, Leo," I replied quietly. "Cliff's still sleeping," I explained, closing and locking the door.

"You guys partied a little too much last night, huh?" he asked with a knowing smile.

"We might have overdone it a bit," I conceded. "What about you? You seem awfully chipper this morning. Did you and Zack have a good time last night?"

"Oh, yeah," he said, and while that alone might not have tipped me off, the smile on his face sure did.

"Leo, we left you two alone because you promised you'd be responsible, but you did more than nap last night, didn't you? What happened?"

The smile left his face and he became more guarded. "Nothing happened," he replied instinctively, his eyes downcast.

"Leo," I tipped his chin up, forcing him to look at me. "This visiting thing won't work if you're going to start lying to us. I can see something happened. Now, what was it?"

His eyes, so bright with happiness just moments before, now filled with tears. "You're not gonna let me visit anymore?"

I sighed. I knew he was trying to manipulate me and that I had to stand tough, but it was hard. "That's really up to you, Leo. Cliff and I have done a lot to help you out, but if you start lying to us and doing things that are dangerous, we won't be able to continue to do that."

"It was nothing, really," he insisted.

"Okay, then you shouldn't have any problem telling me."

"Well, Zack and I, we were just messing around like usual, but it was New Year's so we wanted to do something special," he paused uncertainly.

"Go on," I encouraged.

"I," he paused again taking a deep breath, "I sucked him off," he said in a rush. "He'd never had anyone do that to him before and he felt and tasted and sounded so good. He really, really enjoyed it, Gem, a lot!" he paused briefly, allowing himself a brief smile before continuing to make his case. "And oral was safe for him. We checked him to make sure he didn't have any cuts or anything like that. And he's negative so it's fine for me. It felt so good, Gem, for both of us."

I sighed. Along the spectrum of the different behaviors the boys could have been involved in, this one was pretty safe for both of them. But I had a feeling that wasn't the end of it.

"Anything else?" I prompted.

"He sucked me too, a little," Troy admitted.

"Leo," I huffed in frustration. I knew the likelihood of getting HIV through giving oral sex was very low, nearly minuscule, but it wasn't impossible. The boys were playing fast and loose with Zack's health, and that wasn't okay. Not until he was old enough to make decisions about his health for himself, which wouldn't be for another few months.

"We checked his mouth, too," he said, "really carefully. And I didn't come in his mouth. He only licked me and sucked me a little and then finished me with his hand. We were really careful. Promise."

"Was it your idea?" I asked, not sure whether I wanted to know the answer. Zack was older than Troy, but less mature and more of a follower. Troy could easily convince him to do things he didn't really want to do.

"No," Troy shook his head vehemently. "Well, it was my idea to do him, but not the other. I tried to talk him out of it. I told him that wasn't why I did what I did. But he said he wanted to try it and that it should be safe if we were careful. And we were really, really careful. That's it. That's everything. Please, Gem. Don't make me stop visiting. I'm sorry."

He stepped towards me and hugged me tightly. "Please," he repeated, looking up at me with those puppy dog eyes.

I was torn. On the one hand, Troy and Zack were already 17, and they had behaved as responsibly and carefully as they could short of limiting themselves to their hands. That alone must have been extremely difficult for boys their age, and I wasn't sure I would have been able to stay so disciplined. On the other hand, they knew the conditions of us leaving them alone together required them to stick to hand activities, and they very deliberately broke that rule. I didn't know what to do. I had no experience in these kinds of things. I never had to discipline anyone. Al I knew is that I wasn't able to make any sort of decision right then by myself.

"Thank you for being honest," I told him, making sure to look into his eyes. "You were honest, right? You told me everything?"

He nodded without hesitation.

"I need to think about this, and I have to talk to Cliff. And I think you should do some thinking too. Did you have breakfast?" I asked, and was relieved when he nodded. It made doing the next thing a little easier. "Good. I think you should go to your room and think about what happened last night and why it was wrong. After Cliff wakes up he and I will talk and then we'll all talk together and decide what happens next, all right?"

He nodded again, then pulled away and obediently went to his room, closing the door behind him. I stood in the hallway, not really sure how to feel. This was by far the most foreign conversation I'd had in a long time. I'd never had to act this responsibly or discipline anyone before, and I had no idea if I was doing the right thing. I didn't even know what gave me the idea to do what I did. Must have been some TV show, because I sure as shit didn't learn it growing up.

I poured myself a cup of coffee and made some toast. I ate it dry, quickly, then refilled the coffee and took it to the living room. I needed advice, but couldn't think of who to ask. I didn't want any of the actual parental units to know what happened, but no one else I knew had this kind of experience. Out of desperation I picked up the phone and called Roger, who actually turned out to be a good source of information, growing up with younger brothers and sisters and watching their parents discipline everyone.

"You've got good instincts," Roger said. "Especially considering your family situation. It's never a bad idea to stop and think before making a decision."

"So what would you do? I think telling him he can't come to Seattle is too harsh, but doing nothing seems wrong too."

Roger and I spoke for a while, even after he gave me advice on what to do with Troy. The park group had suspended our Monday night outings due to the general business of the holiday season, so it had been several weeks since we'd seen each other or talked. By the time we were done it was close to noon, and I went back into the bedroom to check on Cliff, who was just waking up and was still in pretty rough shape. I prepared a light lunch for the three of us as Cliff showered, explaining to Troy that we'd have to address his behavior after Cliff started feeling better.

"Okay," Troy agreed, "But even if you don't let me and Zack spend time by ourselves, or even if my punishment is not to see him at all, can I still come to visit, just to see you and Cap? I know I messed up, but I don't want to stop seeing my big brothers. I'd miss you guys too much."

My heart clenched because I knew I'd miss him too, and I realized that if Cliff left me, I'd probably lose not just him and his parents, but Bruce and Tyrone and Troy too. I had to look away to stop myself from crying. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't shake the feeling that everything Cliff and I had worked so hard to build up was about to get blown apart, all because of a stupid obsession I wasn't able to shake.

The rest of the day was quiet. Eventually I told Cliff what happened between Zack and Troy and what Roger had advised and we mutually decided to let him go with a warning and a promise not to do this sort of thing again until he and Zack were both 18. Troy was thrilled and grateful, especially when we let him take my car and hang out with his boyfriend on his last night in Seattle. The following day we took him to the airport and finally had the apartment to ourselves to enjoy our belated private New Year's celebration.

The following week things went back to normal. Cliff was back at work and I went back to school and volunteering. Our time together, even in the evenings, became as scarce as before. I wanted to talk about what happened on New Year's Eve, but it seemed like too heavy a topic for a weeknight conversation, so I waited until the weekend, when we would have ample time for the discussion, however long it took. Even then, though, I wasn't sure how to bring it up without having things get very awkward, so I said nothing even as we had dinner, watched a movie, then retired to our bedroom for the night. It was only as we were messing around, naked, that Cliff created a perfect opportunity when he moved in behind me after we'd both disrobed and pressed his cock into my ass as he pushed me over onto the bed. I instantly tensed and flipped over, looking up at him with drawn brows.

"Eddie?" He was puzzled. "What's wrong?"

I frowned, debating whether I really wanted to do this. We'd just regained our balance after what happened before New Year's. Was it worth it to court controversy, potentially upset things between us once again? Especially in our bedroom, just as we were about to make love? But then this was bothering me, and how long would I have to wait before I felt comfortable addressing things that upset me? And there was no better place and time for this particular topic. I took a deep breath and sat up.

"How much do you remember about New Year's Eve?"

He furrowed his brow. "Probably not as much as I should. I remember I had a great time dancing with you and drank way too much. Why?"

"Do you remember the guy you danced with when I went to the bathroom?"

He nodded, slowly. "I thought we talked about that. I was only dancing with him while I was waiting for you."

"You two got pretty close."

He sighed and sat beside me on the bed.

"We were in a club, the music was playing, I'd been drinking, you'd made me all hot and horny and he was very friendly... I might have gotten too caught up in the moment. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. But Eddie, it was just dancing. I was thinking about you the whole time."

I swallowed, unsure of how to explain what I was feeling. What if the dancing really didn't mean anything? Was I making too much out of one drunken night? But if I didn't ask, how would I know? Fuck!

"Yeah, about that," I said cautiously. "You and I didn't dance the same way you were dancing with him."

He looked puzzled again. "Of course we did," he insisted.

"No," I shook my head. "I never played the bottom role with you."

His eyes widened with recognition.

"And when we got home that night," I continued, seizing the momentum, "you offered to fuck me. Do you remember?"

He shook his head. "Edward," he was suddenly serious and contrite. "I don't remember that. I was drunk. I would never do that sober."

"I know," I acknowledged. "But what I don't know is was it just some sort of crazy talk or a case of in vino veritas?"

He looked away, which was almost as good as an answer.

"Cliff, I'm not a bottom."

"I know that, Eddie," he said with a sigh.

"I don't understand, then. Aren't you happy with how things are between us?"

"That's not it at all," he said, turning to me, placing his hand on my chest. "I am happy. It's just... Sometimes I wish I could show you exactly how good you make me feel."

"You tell me how good I make you feel. And I do see it, in your face, and hear it, and feel it, and on a good day taste it," I thought maybe a touch of humor would help ease some of the tension growing between us. "That's all I need."

Cliff smiled a small smile, but then became serious. He ran his fingers through the hair on my chest.

"I guess I don't just want to show you. I want to make you feel the way I feel when you're inside me. I want you to experience it firsthand."

I reached up to still his hand.

"Where is this coming from?"

"Don't you ever wonder what it's like? It feels so good! Aren't you curious to try it?," he was using his most sexy and seductive voice, but instead of tempting me, it all just sounded ominous and threatening.

"No, I really don't wonder what it’s like and I don't want to try it, and I thought you didn't either. You told me you were a bottom."

"I prefer to bottom, mostly. It's just that, every once in a while..." he stopped when he looked at my face, making me realize I was scowling.

"What? Every once in a while you change your mind?"

He pulled back a little at my aggressive question.

"Yes, I guess I do," he said quietly, but with a ring of defiance. I got up and walked away. This was everything I'd feared. The dance, what he said that night - it wasn't some fleeting suggestion implanted by the twink at the club. Cliff wanted to top.

I was experiencing a flurry of emotions: anger at being lured into a relationship with a partner who was something other than what he claimed to be in the beginning; betrayal that I had to confront him to find out the truth; fear of what would happen if I didn't give him what he wanted. He came up to me and tried to put his arms around me, but I moved away.

"So you've topped before?" It was a rhetorical question, but he answered anyway.

"Gio and I switched on occasion."

"I don't want to switch." I said firmly.

"How do you know?" he challenged. "How can you possibly know until you've tried? I didn't think I wanted to switch either. I was happy as the bottom, but then Gio wanted me to know what it felt like to top and..."

"I'm not Gio!"

"I never said you were. You don't have to be. Why can't we just try it once? I told you once I was a good bottom, but I'm a good top too. And if you at any point wanted me to stop..."

"No," I denied categorically. "It's not going to happen."

"Why? You know I won't hurt you. I've never done anything that you didn't end up loving. Why are you so afraid to give up control? Or are you saving yourself for him?"

His last words stopped me cold. How did I suddenly become the bad guy when I was the one who had been honest about my preferences all along? And how could he deliberately inject Jasper into this discussion?

"He has nothing to do with this," I snapped at him.

"Really? So if Jasper came back and wanted you to show him that you had changed, and wanted you to bottom for him to prove it, you wouldn't do it?"

White anger flowed through me. He had no right to use Jasper against me this way. And I could never give him the satisfaction of knowing that he was right. If the only way I could show Jasper that I no longer needed to control him and our relationship and to get him to forgive me was to bottom for him, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But I had hurt Jasper and I owed him that. I'd never been anything but loving with Cliff.

"Jasper would never ask me to do that!" I spat out.

"No, of course not," he raised his voice too. "Because Jasper is perfect! Because Jasper always put your needs ahead of his own! Well I've done that for nearly 20 months, Edward, but I have needs too. And I guess I hoped that after all this time together you might trust and love me enough to put my needs first for a change."

I stilled. I knew this was the anger talking, but I had given him everything I had to give and clearly it hadn't been enough. Did he really believe we'd always placed my needs before his? Didn't he realize how many things I'd done for him that I'd never do otherwise, only because I believed he needed them? His complete dismissal of all my efforts sliced through me like a knife. If he needed further proof, I'd give it to him. I walked to the bed and threw myself onto it, face down.

"I never knew you felt this way, Cliff," I said, turning my head to look at him. I was pissed that he seemed to question my love and loyalty and commitment to him. Pissed that he'd basically called me selfish and self-centered. And I was determined to prove him wrong. "But if I haven't done enough things to show you how I feel about you and how important your feelings are to me, if this is what it takes for you to see how much I love and trust you, then go ahead, take me."

He stood and stared at me, wide eyed, not moving or saying anything.

"Come on. What are you waiting for? Take my ass! Fuck me! Top me!"

He started crying. He looked around and picked up the clothes he'd thrown off earlier, pulling on his jeans and shirt, and then slipping his feet into his shoes. Wordlessly, he grabbed his wallet and ran out of the room. Moments later I heard the slam of the apartment door. I was crying too now, the tears blurring my vision. I buried my head in the pillow, a sense of déjà vu overwhelming me, memories of Jasper running out of the apartment crowding out all coherent thoughts. This couldn't be happening to me again! Except that it was happening again, and just like before, I was powerless to stop it.

I resisted the urge to get up and run after him. I might not have been able to do anything about him leaving, but I refused to re-live the entire episode the very same way it happened the last time. It certainly didn't work out so well chasing after Jasper, and I couldn't see this turning out any better. Besides, I had even less of an idea where Cliff might go. Plus, this time it wasn't my fault. I hadn't done anything to cause him to run.

I didn't know how long I laid there, crying, feeling sorry for myself. Finally I got up and slowly made my way to the kitchen to get something to drink. I never made it. Halfway down the hall I heard quiet sniffling from the living room, and I immediately headed in the direction of the sound. I found Cliff curled up on the living room sofa in the dark, crying. I felt immense relief to know he was there, that he'd never left. But I hated to see him so unhappy. Suddenly my own feelings didn't seem to matter anymore, and the need to comfort the man I loved took over. I sat next to him and tried to reach for him, but he shrank away. The rejection hurt. For a brief moment I considered going back to the bedroom, but I knew that wouldn't solve anything, and the last thing I needed to focus on was my pride. I moved down the sofa, giving him space, and just sat there, listening to his soft sobs.

"I thought you'd left," I finally said. "I heard the front door slam."

It took him a while to reply. "I was going to leave, but I changed my mind at the last minute. There was no point in running away."

"I'm very glad you stayed. But you don't have to be out here. Come back to bed, please. Let's talk."

He shook his head.

"Would you prefer to talk out here? Or we can skip the talk tonight altogether and just go to sleep?"

"Really?" he asked quietly, his sobs subsiding a little.

"Of course."

He sat up and moved closer to me. I put my arm around him as he leaned his head on and into my shoulder. His tears fell on my skin. He was still crying, but I could tell by his breathing he was calming down too. I was so glad that for once I could do be that calming partner for him, instead of the other way around. And at that moment I realized that I wanted to be whatever he needed. If he needed a bottom, I would be that, or at least I would try, for his sake.

"I do love you and I do trust you," I said. "I just didn't realize that you wanted to..."

"Shhh," he put his finger over my lips. "It doesn't matter."

"What? Of course it matters. I was stupid to just reject the idea. You were right. I can't know I won't like it until I've tried it. Not tonight, but maybe tomorrow you can show me."

"No," he shook his head again. "I was wrong. I thought it was what I wanted, but it's not."

Now I was confused. He'd seemed fairly clear about his desire before. "I'm not sure what you mean."

"I didn't just want to top you, Edward. I wanted you to want me to top you."

"I do. I want you to top me and show me how I make you feel. I want that," I tried to convince him.

"But you don't. I know you don't. Or even if you do, it's not for the right reasons. I didn't want you to want it this way, because you're doing me a favor or want to prove something to me or are afraid to lose me. For once, I wanted you to be ready and really want it for yourself and for me. I was going to wait. I knew you weren't ready. But I got drunk and stupid New Year's Eve and now I spoiled it forever. You were right. We should have stayed home, alone. If we had, none of this... "

"You haven't spoiled anything, Sunshine. You can show me exactly how beautiful it can be. I'd like you to show me, the same way you showed me everything else, including how to love."

For some reason this made him cry harder again.

"Sunshine?" I asked uncertainly.

"I didn't show you how to love. I never had to do that. Clearly you knew how to do that already."

"Maybe the emotion," I conceded, "But I had no idea how to show it, how to act, how to give. You've taught me all that."

"Except the emotion is the most important thing. And that's exactly why topping you no longer matters. I wanted you to want me to be with you that way not just because I thought it would make us both feel good, but also because of what I wanted it to represent. I thought if you were truly ready for that, it would mean that I finally had all of you, all of your love. But now it won't mean the same thing, and I still don't have all of your love, and I don't think I ever will."

I didn't respond, though I finally understood what he was trying to say. He was right. A part of me loved Jasper, and it was possible, even likely, that I always would.

"You never had to learn how to love him, you just do," Cliff added.

"I love you too, Sunshine," I didn't bother to insult him with pointless denials. "So much. I love you in every way I can, with everything I have to give."

"But not with everything you have," he pointed out. I sighed.

"I never lied to you. From the very start you knew I came with baggage."

"You're right. I did know. This isn't your fault," he continued to cry and I continued to hold him and try to soothe him, to tell him that it was all right, that we'd work things out, that I loved him, that we were partners and we could get through anything as long as we were willing to work on things together. He never said a word. It took a long time, but finally he stopped crying and just leaned against me quietly. Sometime later it became obvious that neither one of us would break the silence. We'd both begun to nod off where we sat, so I turned towards him and slipped the arm that I'd placed around him to his waist while inserting the other one beneath his knees and whispering to him to put his arms around my neck. He complied without protest, enabling me to get up with him in my arms and carry him to bed. I was exhausted, but when we got there I pulled off his shoes and shirt and jeans and helped him get under the covers before joining him myself. He curled up again, the way he had on the sofa earlier, and I spooned up behind him, conforming myself to his fetal shape, and held him until we were both asleep.

The next morning was almost surreal. We woke up together, showered, dressed, made and ate breakfast, all pretty much in silence. When we were done and cleaning up I suggested we talk, but Cliff just shook his head.

"I'm sorry I said the things I said last night, Edward. I was wrong. I was angry and I said a lot of things I didn't mean, and I'm sorry for hurting you like that. I can't believe I made you think that you had to offer to do something you didn't want to do in order to prove you loved me. I do know you love me, Eddie, and I hope you know I love you too, and can forgive my complete lapse in judgment last night."

"Of course I forgive you," I assured him. "I just think we should talk about it some more."

He looked at me sadly and shook his head again. "Please forgive me, Edward, but the last thing I want to do today is talk about everything again. We'd pretty much talked this subject to death," he explained. "We both already know how we feel. Nothing either of us can say can change the situation or the way we feel."

I couldn't exactly disagree, and yet I was hurt. If there was no point in communicating, what was the point of us being together? Then I realized that acknowledging this would be admitting that our relationship was at a dead end, and I wasn't ready to do that, nor did I want to be the one to put this idea in his head if it wasn't there already.

We spent the day quietly, in near constant physical and loving contact. We both seemed to need this reassurance that at least our bodies fit together well, even as our thoughts stumbled over rocky terrain and our emotions were reeling with contusions. Eventually we started talking, but about unrelated matters. Work, school, meal schedule for the following week, whose turn it was to pick up the dry cleaning, all the routine things we discussed on a regular basis. We ignored what happened the previous night until it finally receded to the backs of our minds and hearts. That night we made love, and while it was slow and tender, it felt like a desperate effort nevertheless. Something had shifted between us, and neither one of us knew how to put it back in place.

Life went on as before, but now everything felt slightly mis-aligned, like a camera lens that was just out of focus. During the week, when we were both busy, it was less noticeable, but on the weekends it became too obvious. We made an effort towards normalcy when we were with others, but that seemed to take all the energy we had. When it was just the two of us we tended to be quiet, subdued. He started working out more, using that as an excuse to be away from me. We no longer shopped for groceries together, or went out to see movies. In the apartment he began spending more time on the computer, saying he needed to do research for work. Even on the rare occasions when we found ourselves sitting on the sofa together watching the same TV shows, we didn't cuddle the way we used to. We hardly even touched. If it weren't for outings with friends, I would have forgotten the sound of his laughter and the smile that I so loved, though even those felt forced and artificial now. The only one that seemed to be able to coax genuine joy out of him was Liam. It broke my heart when I saw my nephew stretch out his arms with a happy "'Lif, Lif!" and watched Cliff reach out to him with the same affection he once had for me. I was jealous of a toddler, who could make my partner happier than I could.

Despite our efforts to keep up appearances in front of others, our friends noticed the difference in our behavior. Seth, of course, was aware of it immediately. He quirked an eyebrow in my direction fifteen minutes into the first time Cliff and I went over to hang out with him and Emmett. I gave him a slight head shake and that was enough for him to back off. Maggie was the second to spot it when she, Rose and Liam came over for dinner, and she actually tried to get me to talk, but I brushed her inquiry aside. That evening, my worst nightmare came true, right in my dining room, in the middle of a perfectly innocent discussion of our favorite TV shows - the ones the DVR was always set to record.

"That reminds me," Rose said, "I meant to ask you about this, Freckles, but it slipped my mind until just now. I was clearing out some old recordings and I came across this year's New Year's Eve broadcast from New York. Did you want to watch that for some reason?"

My fork froze mid-air and I looked at Cliff in a panic. He was looking down at his plate and continued eating as if he hadn't heard. I was too afraid to hope he'd missed Rosalie's statement. It seemed too good to be true.

"No," Maggie replied, puzzled. "I didn't record it, except maybe by mistake. I certainly don't intend to watch it now."

"Oh, okay," Rose was indifferent. "I'll just erase it when we get home, then."

"I wouldn't do that, Rose," Cliff said, suddenly looking up at her. "I think Edward would like to see that. We missed it when we went out to the club this year." He put his fork down without looking at me. "Please, excuse me."

He pushed himself away from the table and retreated to our bedroom. We all heard the bathroom door close behind him.

"Was it something I said?" Rose looked from me to Maggie, thoroughly confused. Maggie's expression mirrored her own.

"No, Rose," I said sadly. "This had nothing to do with you. I need to go talk to him."

I pushed my chair away from the table and followed Cliff, closing the bedroom door behind me. I knocked softly on the bathroom door, then turned the knob when I received no answer. The door opened with ease. Inside the bathroom I found Cliff leaning against the vanity, staring into the mirror, his expression frighteningly blank, his eyes unfocused. I walked up to him and placed my hand on his shoulder blade. He shivered slightly, as if waking from some trance, and focused on my reflection without looking back.

"Cliff, I'm sorry. I don't even know why I did it. I never intended to watch it."

"Right," he replied evenly and quietly, seemingly without any emotion. "I do the same thing. I often go to friends' homes and use their DVR's without their knowledge to record shows I never intend to watch. It's a great practical joke, isn't it. Really messes with their minds."

My shoulders sank. "Sunshine, what can I do? How can I make this up to you?"

He shifted his eyes to look away from my reflection, but said nothing.

"I never saw it. I never intended to watch it." I repeated.

"We should go back. We're being rude to your sisters. I just needed a moment."

He turned to walk past me, but I put my hand up to stop him.

"Cliff, please, stop shutting me out. We need to talk."

"Not now, Edward. We have guests," he reasoned. He had a point, so I let him go. But I knew we wouldn't be talking later, and I was right.

By the end of the month I was at my wits' end. Nothing I did seemed to be working. We'd changed from loving partners to tolerant roommates, who happened to share a bed and an occasional blow job. I suggested couples therapy again, and he agreed, but then never seemed to have time available when I did. I knew he was still seeing his therapist, as was I, but it didn't seem to be helping us any. None of Dr. Furman's suggestions to get me to stop thinking about Jasper worked, at least none of the ones I was willing to try. He did recommend trying to contact Jasper again, or writing him letters to tell him what I felt, even if I never sent them, but I certainly was not willing to do the former, and even the thought of the letters felt too disloyal to Cliff, not to mention that if he ever found anything I'd written he'd never believe it was part of therapy.

When nothing else seemed to work, I started picking fights, doing things I knew would piss him off, like a kid desperate for attention, just to see that he still cared. I went out mid-week with school friends without letting him know where I was, and stayed out way too late getting drunk. The first time I did it he'd stayed up, extremely concerned, until he found out I was fine and merely inconsiderate, at which point he became furious, leading to our very first screaming match. I hated the two of us fighting and yelling, especially since the reason he'd been so upset was that he was worried I'd gotten into an accident, bringing up all his horrible memories of Wenn and Gio. Still, at least the fury was a reaction, which was more than I'd gotten in recent weeks, so like a glutton for punishment I kept at it. The next couple of times the concern was gone, and only the anger remained. After that, he no longer stayed up waiting, though he still got pissed off when I was deliberately careless about the noise, waking him anyway. I finally stopped after the night I came home and found our bed empty. I was frantic with worry until I realized that he'd merely moved to the guest room to avoid dealing with my late night arrivals altogether.

I knew it was over, yet I was holding on with everything I could, unwilling to give up and let him go. But he was slipping away from me anyway, like water through the fingers of an open hand. And still it was a shock when I came home one evening in February to find him sitting at the dining room table, waiting for me, a folded piece of paper on the table in front of him.

"It's a little early and it's not pink, so I assume that's not a Valentine's Day card for me?" My joke attempt was half-hearted at best. He didn't even crack a smile.

"Edward, we need to talk," he said. If he hadn't been so serious I might have laughed, since I'd been telling him the same thing for over a month. But this clearly wasn't a time for laughter, so I sat down on the opposite side of the table and looked at him carefully, waiting for him to start. Instead of talking, he pushed the piece of paper towards me. I picked it up, unfolded it, and started reading.

"Dear Mr. Barringer,

We are very pleased to offer you a position with. . ."

I looked up in surprise. "What is this, Sunshine?"

"It's an offer letter," he stated the obvious. I looked down at the letter again, this time focusing on the sender's address. It was in Wilmington, North Carolina.

"An offer letter? I didn't even know you were interviewing," I was hurt, and I didn't try to keep it out of my voice. "And in North Carolina? Are you really thinking about moving to North Carolina?"

"I am moving to North Carolina. I accepted the offer earlier today."

"You accepted..." I paused, not able to finish past the lump gathering in my throat. I took a deep breath. "You accepted without even talking about it with me? I thought we had agreed to talk before either one of us made these kinds of decisions."

"The opening just became available and they weren't going to hold it for me for long. It's a good opportunity, Edward. Wilmington is one of the largest TV and movie production centers outside of California, and this is a better position than the one I have here, in Seattle. I had to go for it and accept it."

"Okay," I nodded. "So what does that mean?" I left the 'for us' implied but unspoken.

"It means that I'll be moving to North Carolina. I start in two weeks."

"Two weeks?" I pushed myself away from the table violently and stood up. "After everything we've been through you make a decision like this and give me two weeks’ notice? I can't just pick everything up and move in two weeks. I'm three months away from graduation."

Cliff sighed, but his eyes never left me. He stared at me intently, as if willing me to understand. And then suddenly I did. I understood it all.

"You're moving to North Carolina. You alone. You don't want me to go with you."

"Edward..." he tried to speak, but I laughed bitterly and talked right over him.

"So this really is my two weeks’ notice, huh? You're not just quitting your job, you're quitting us too. Only you quit us a long time ago, haven't you? You quit fighting for us and have been phoning it in for weeks."

"Edward," he pleaded. "Please let's not do this. I don't want for us to end like this."

"I don't want us to end, period. But then you haven't given me a choice or even considered that option."

"Stop it! You're not being fair. You have to know how badly I wanted for us to work out. I fought for as long as I could. I gave it all I had. But I was tilting at windmills. I can't keep fighting the invisible man, Edward. I'll never win. And I can't stay in a relationship where there will always be three people, with me constantly hoping and praying that the third guy will choose to stay away."

He got up and walked to me, taking my hand. I wanted to snatch it away, but I was too desperate for even this small contact. "Eddie, I love you, and I know you love me, we just don't love each other enough. I'm sorry that I can't be everything that you need and I'm sorry that you can't give me everything I want. It doesn't mean that what we shared wasn't special and beautiful."

"It just wasn't special and beautiful enough for you to want to continue," I whispered. It was all I could do.

"Edward," he stepped in closer and put his hand on my cheek. "Eddie," he leaned in to kiss me lightly, and suddenly I found strength. I wrapped my hand around his neck and kept him from pulling away, kissing him back, hard, pressing my tongue insistently against his closed lips until he finally parted them and I deepened the kiss even more. We hadn't kissed like this for weeks, because I had been afraid to push him, and I had missed it so much. Now I had nothing to lose. Everything had already been lost and I might never have a chance to do this again.

I heard and felt him moan into the kiss and begin to respond and kiss me back in earnest. I moved my other hand to his head, combing my fingers through his hair. I loved this man, and I wasn't willing to let him go without a fight, even if I had to fight dirty and use every weapon at my disposal.

Eventually the kiss had to end, but I wasn't done fighting. "This is how good we are together! Do you really want to walk away from that? Do you want to give that up?"

He wrapped his arms around me and held me close, panting into my shoulder. "It's not a question of want, Eddie. It's a question of need."

"Need?" I protested. "But I need you. Don't you need me anymore?"

He sighed into my neck. "Let's go sit down, okay?"

I nodded and we walked to the sofa together, sitting side by side.

"Edward, when we met, we were both in really dark periods in our lives. I think, I really do believe that whether it was fate or God or Karma, we were meant to meet each other and be together. We understood each other in a way no one else would have been able to understand us, and we helped each other, and we fell in love, and it was so very special and beautiful. It was exactly what we needed at the time.

"And Baby, I wish more than anything that we could be what each other needed forever. But we're not. I don't know if you're meant to be with Jasper and only him, or if you just need to meet someone who can help you get over him finally and completely, but I do know I am not that man and will never be that man, no matter how hard I try. And having once been with someone who loved me completely and totally, I can't face spending my life without that. I know you love me as much as you can, but I need more."

"It's not fair," I whispered.

"No, it's not fair," he agreed sadly. "Nor is it anyone's fault. It just is what it is."

"I don't want you to go."

"I know. But I can't stay, because of what will happen if I do. It's already started. These last few weeks... If I stay things will get ugly and everything that we shared will be spoiled by that, and I don't want that to happen. I want to remember us the way we were when things were good, and I want us to stay friends, to always be there for each other as friends. Please, understand, Edward. I didn't make this decision lightly. I've been thinking long and hard and this is the only way. I need to do this for me, and for us."

"Why didn't you tell me you were thinking about all this? I thought we were partners. Partners are supposed to communicate, and you've just been shutting me out. You should have said something."

"You're right. I should have said something," he conceded. This was a surprise. I hadn't expected him to agree with me, even though I felt I was right. "I guess I was afraid that if I talked to you before I made a decision you'd try to talk me out of it, the way you're doing now, and that you'd succeed. I wish I could make you understand how incredibly difficult this is for me. I will miss you and us, so much. And I'm terrified of moving to a strange place where I know no one. A place not exactly known for enthusiastically embracing queers."

I pulled him into my arms, because at that moment I felt his every fear and insecurity. I knew he was making the move for his career, but I also knew he was making a sacrifice for me, leaving me in a familiar place with my family and friends all around to support me. He was going to be all alone.

"Your new employers, do they know you're gay?"

He shook his head. "The subject never came up. I won't hide - I'm not willing to go into the closet to further my career. But I wasn't planning to flaunt it either. If someone asks, I'll tell them. Otherwise, my private life is exactly that."

"You're so beautiful," I said, running my hand through his hair, "I bet you'll have to tell people sooner rather than later. Otherwise the women will be all over you. Maybe you should take a few pictures of Rosalie and place them strategically on your desk. That might buy you a few months."

We both chuckled, then got quiet again as we realized that I'd just acknowledged the reality and inevitability of his leaving. We talked the rest of the evening, and after a while I finally recognized the truth in what he was saying. It didn't make it any easier or less painful, but it made me stop fighting it. The one thing I had no counterargument for was that I couldn't give him everything he needed, and eventually I realized just how selfish it would be to try to force him to stay with me when it wasn't the best thing for him. I finally saw that if I loved him as much as I claimed I did, I had to let him go.

That night we made love for the first time in weeks, the way we used to before the New Year's Eve fiasco sent us into a downward spiral. It was bittersweet - a sample of an exquisite treat that was about to be taken away. Afterwards we clung to each other, knowing our time together was running out, like sand slipping in a steady stream into a bottom of an hourglass that we'd never be able to turn over again.

That weekend was Valentine's Day weekend, and since neither one of us had made any plans we flew out to his new home town together, arranging for a Realtor to help us find him an apartment. I insisted he get a three bedroom, so he'd have room to accommodate out of town visitors, and despite his protests I wrote a check to the landlord for the entire year's rent right up front. We spent our evening at the hotel, ordering room service, not able to face the throngs of couples out for their romantic evenings just as our love affair was disintegrating.

Back in Seattle I helped him pack, again insisting that he take all the furniture that was his to begin with, which would only leave him with the two extra bedrooms to furnish, if he wanted. I offered to organize a farewell party for everyone we knew as well as his co-workers, but Cliff said he didn't want a big send-off. So on his last Friday in Seattle the gay squadron plus Leah, Roger and Yvonne came over to our place for beer and pizza. Although they tried to hide it, I saw the concern on everyone's face as they looked at me. I hated being the object of their pity and glued myself to Cliff's side, adroitly avoided getting cornered by Maggie, Seth and Emmett into private conversations.

Then we had one last night of tender lovemaking and embraces, a morning of instructing movers and I was taking him to the airport, letting him spread his wings and fly away from me. For his sake, I hoped he would find that right guy, the soul mate that would devote 100% of his energy to cherishing Cliff the way he deserved to be cherished. Perhaps I was destined to be unhappy, but at least I didn't keep him down with me.

When Cliff left, he took the sunshine with him. I went right back to that dark place I inhabited when Jasper ran away. Once again I lived in a half-empty apartment, a constant reminder of what I'd had and lost. Seth, Emmett, Maggie and Rose called to check up on me daily, and I spoke with them briefly every time, but never engaged in long conversations and refused all offers to get together. After Maggie decided to pop in on me unexpectedly a couple of times for impromptu visits and lectures, I asked the landlord to change the lock. I canceled my volunteer shifts and left the apartment to go to class only, even re-scheduling my therapy sessions. I knew that was a mistake, but I had no energy to talk to anyone, not even Dr. Furman. Anyone except Cliff, that was. I still spoke with him every night. Either he or I would call right before bed and he would tell me about his day, about what he did at work, the people he met, the stories he was researching, the restaurants he ate at, the grocery stores he found. He tried to get me to talk too, but I never had anything interesting to talk about and it was too hard to speak through the constant flow of tears. We ended each conversation with a simple good night. I only told him how much I loved him and missed after the connection was dead.

Three weeks after Cliff left I came home from class to find Emmett, Seth, Rosalie and Maggie camped out on my doorstep. Feeling ambushed, I actually tried to get back to my car and leave, but Emmett caught up with me before I even got to the stairs and restrained me with a loose but unyielding grip on my shoulder.

"You can't avoid us forever," he said. "We need to talk."

I followed him back to my apartment, feeling like a prisoner.

"What is this, guys? And intervention? I swear I'm not getting high or drinking," much. I added the last part silently, because in the weeks since Cliff's been gone I had renewed my acquaintance with my good friend Jack Daniels. Still, it was just a shot or two before I went to bed, certainly not enough to get anyone's panties in a twist.

"Or eating either, I bet," Maggie said. "You've lost even more weight."

She had me there. The problems Cliff and I were having all winter had already reduced my appetite, but while he was around I did keep eating, if not as much as before. Once he was gone, so was any incentive to shop or cook. I cringed when Maggie opened the fridge to find only a six pack of beer and some condiments, plus dairy products and produce that had been purchased before Cliff left and were long past edible.

"That's it, Edward," said my bossy little sister. "I really hoped you were smarter than this, and that this time you hadn't let things get this far out of hand, but clearly I overestimated you. You're not staying here another night. You're moving in with us. Seth, Emmett, would you please help me pack up his stuff and load it into the car."

"Wait a second, Maggie. You can't just come in here and tell me what to do. I'm an adult. You can't just order me around like a child."

"I can and will when you're behaving like one."

"Even if I am, you're not my mother," I shot back.

"Would you like me to call your mother? I do have her number, you know."

That shut me up. The last person I wanted involved in all of this was my mother. Cliff and I hadn't even really told our parents that we broke up. The official story was that Cliff got a job offer he could not refuse and had to move, and that we would figure out next steps after I graduated. I didn't know if any of them had bought it, but I wasn't ready to go into any further details at this point.

"Why can't you all just mind your own damn business?" I asked, frustrated.

"Because we love you, stupid." Rosalie was as blunt as ever.

"Stop, you guys!" we all turned in surprise at Seth's exclamation. "Everyone, just stop! We're doing this all wrong."

He walked up to me and put his arms around me, pressing his face into my chest. I was shocked, but I hugged him back, until he pulled away.

"Okay," he said as he took my hand. "Come on, come with me."

I looked back at Emmett, Rose and Maggie, and could tell they were as puzzled as I was. I felt Seth tug at my hand again and, curious, I turned to follow him into the guest bedroom. He closed the door behind us and told me to lie down.

"Seth," I said in warning, "I don't know what you're thinking, but it's only been three weeks. I'm not that hard up."

"You wish, Cullen," he snorted. "Don't worry, your virtue's safe with me. Just lie down already, will you? Please?"

I might have been able to refuse his order, but I couldn't refuse his plea, so I lay down as he requested. He crawled into bed with me and sat up against the headboard.

"Put your head over here," he said, pointing to his lap. One sharp look stopped me from cracking another suggestive joke. I sighed, and moved as directed. Seth sank his fingers into my hair, combing through it soothingly, massaging my scalp.

"I want to tell you a story," he said.

"It's not really my bedtime," I tried to joke, but it just earned me a light tap on the head.

"Just shut up and listen. Once upon a time there was a very handsome prince who fell under the influence of an evil warlock masquerading as the king. The warlock put a spell on the prince so powerful that the prince didn't know who he was and he pushed away everyone who loved him. But the prince was very lucky in that he had many, many fairy godmothers and godfathers who kept watch over him and kept working to break the spell. And eventually they succeeded, and the spell broke, and the handsome prince slowly came back to his senses, emphasis on slowly. And some day he will find his better half, another handsome prince, and they will live happily ever after. But until then he needs to listen to the fairy godparents who have been looking out for him all along, because they know better than he does and they have his best interests at heart."

I looked up at him with raised brows. "Are you fucking kidding me?" This only earned me another thunk on the head.

"In case you haven't noticed," I grumbled, "My handsome prince, my better half, just decided to move to North Carolina. So it looks like my destiny is happily never more. Ow!" I yelped as Seth pulled on my hair.

"You don't listen very well, do you? Cliff wasn't your handsome prince. He was one of your fairy godfathers."

"If that's what you really believe then why did you encourage me to move in with him? Why didn't you just tell me that it was never going to work out for us? It would have hurt a hell of a lot less losing him last year," I couldn't help but be bitter, remembering how instrumental Seth was in keeping Cliff and me together.

"It wouldn't have hurt any less - it would have hurt differently. And that wasn't the way things were supposed to go," his fingers were soothing me once again. "Honey, last year wasn't the right time for you and Cliff to split up. You still needed him and, frankly, he still needed you. Neither of you were ready back then. Look at it this way. Life isn't always a straight path from point A to point B. There are curves and detours and obstacles. Sometimes there are obstacles we can't overcome alone. We all need help from time to time. You and Cliff were meant to help one another. And even I didn't see that clearly at first - it took me a while to accept it and realize that just because it wasn't meant to be forever, didn't mean it wasn't right at the time. But now you reached a point where your paths had to diverge, and it's time for all of us to step back in and help you get back on the right track. All you have to do is let us, okay?"

I closed my eyes and thought about what he said. I was being an idiot, keeping everyone at arm's length. Seth was right, I needed them. It was dumb to keep pushing them away.

"Seth?" I turned my face to look back up at him.

"Yes, Honey?"

"Why am I always the one who needs all of your help? Am I ever gonna be able to stand on my own two feet?"

"Oh God, Edward," he leaned down and kissed me on the lips. "Will you stop feeling so sorry for yourself. You have no idea how strong you are. We all need help every once in a while. And you've given as much help as you've received. You helped Cliff get over his loss, you helped your sister with Liam, you helped Troy, you helped me deal with David and, though I may not know how, I know you helped Emmett with the condo. And what about all those volunteering hours you put in on that silly mountain and in the abuse prevention center? I know you don't like to be on this side of the equation - hell, I don't like it when I'm on this side much either - but just accept the fact that right now you need to lean on us and let us be there for you, all right? 'Cause if you don't, those Goddamn lesbian sisters of yours will turn into real harpies and won't let any of us get any peace."

There was the Seth I knew and loved. I was so taken aback by his change I was stunned speechless for a moment, before I burst out laughing. "You little shit. And here I thought you were selflessly trying to help me."

"Think what you like," he said with a dramatic flip of his hair, before looking down at me with narrowed eyes. "Just as long as you pack up your stuff and move in with Maggie and Rose for a while, until we are satisfied that you're okay to live on your own again. It won't be long. Trust me."

I sighed. "All right," I conceded. "It'll give me more time with Liam."

"That too!" Seth agreed. "See? It'll be good for everybody."

I gave up the apartment and put the furniture in storage while I moved in with Maggie and Rosalie. The commute from Kent to school was a lot longer, but my drive to the mountain was shorter, so it all evened out. On occasion, when I needed to stay in the city, I bunked at Seth and Emmett's, and though I would have been perfectly fine on the sofa, Emmett wouldn't hear of it and always had me sleep with him. It was just like old times, and just as comforting as it had been before.

Although we spun a bit of a story for the benefit of our parents, Cliff insisted that we tell Bruce and Tyrone the whole truth and, as they were his surrogate fathers, I didn't question his decision. I had absolutely no idea what to expect from them. Although in the end Cliff and I parted amicably, the main reason for our inability to stay together was my attachment to another man, and I would have certainly understood if Cliff's family wasn’t as generous with their forgiveness of that shortcoming as he had been. Troy's fathers, however, took the news in stride.

"I won't lie and tell you that we didn't have high hopes of the two of you staying together," Tyrone told me. "You boys really seemed remarkably well suited. But sometimes that's not enough, and you were both smart to recognize that when you did, before things got ugly, while you are still friends. That's very mature and we're proud of you both. And we'll always be here for you both. We hope you'll stay in touch with us, especially with Troy. He would be devastated to lose you."

I found out first-hand the truth of that statement when, a few days after Cliff left, I received a desperate call from Troy.

"Is it true, Gem? Did you and Cap break up? Did he move to North Carolina?"

I took a deep breath, wondering how he had learned of the news. Bruce, Tyrone, Cliff and I had all discussed it and decided that it would be best if I broke the news to Troy, but it was taking me a few days to get past my depression enough to call him without scaring him unnecessarily. Still, once he asked, I couldn't exactly lie.

"It's true, Leo. How did you find out?"

"I overheard Dads talking about it. When did this happen? Wasn't anyone going to tell me?" He sounded distressed and hurt, exactly what we all feared and wanted to avoid.

"Cliff just moved a few days ago, Leo. I was going to call you, but..."

"I knew it! I knew something was wrong when I was there winter break. But you told me that you worked everything out, and that things were fine."

"We had worked everything out, that time."

"I don't understand. You and Cliff love each other so much. How could anything break you up? What happened?"

I wasn't trying to hide anything and I wanted to explain things to him. I really did. But with Cliff having just left, everything was too raw and painful.

"Nothing happened. Not really. We just both realized that although we loved each other and we tried as hard as we could, we weren't exactly what the other needed."

"Just like that? After all that time together? I don't get it. What did you need now that you didn't need before?"

I sighed realizing that I would not be able to continue the conversation much longer. Troy seemed to sense my intention to wrap up our talk.

"So what happens now?" he got to the point of his call.

"I don't know. I guess now Cliff and I look for other guys who better suit our needs."

"That's not what I meant," he said quietly.

"Okay," I said slowly. "What did you mean?"

"Um. . . Uh... " it wasn't like him to be so tongue tied.

"What is it, Leo?"

"I was wondering about you and me. I don't want to lose you, either of you. I'm not worried about Cliff, cause he's always been close to Dads, but am I gonna lose you? 'Cause that's what happens when people break up or divorce or whatever it is you guys did, right? You don't just split, everyone does too. So I'm never gonna see you or Liam or Seth or Emmett again, am I?" he asked through his tears.

"Leo, please don't cry. Sometimes when people split up that is what happens," I heard him cry even harder, "but it doesn't have to be that way with us. Cliff and I, we're still friends."

"You are?" he choked out, cautiously.

"We are. No one has to take sides. You can still keep in touch with me if you want."

"I can?" he considered for a moment. "That's good, because I think maybe you understand me a little better than Cliff does, and talking to you is easier, and I liked having you as a big brother," he paused and thought again for a while before continuing, sounding dejected again. "But I won't be able to see you anymore. What's the point of having you as my big brother if I can't see you anymore?"

"No, Leo, I don't know why you say that. I will always be your big brother and you are always welcome to see me."

"Really?" he was suspicious.

"Yes, really. Both Cliff and I still consider you our little brother. You aren't going to lose either of us."

"So I can still come and spend spring break with you in Seattle?"

"Absolutely."

My change in living situation wasn't as conducive to hosting Troy for spring break as I'd promised, but as it turned out, it didn't matter. Once Troy and Zack realized Cliff lived near the beach, they decided that Wilmington offered a much more exciting spring break destination. Since Cliff theoretically had separate bedrooms for the boys and Zack was nearly 18, his mother actually agreed to let him and Troy go visit Cliff together. As much as I missed the boys, and as welcome as spending time with them would have been, I was glad they elected to visit Cliff, who was in greater need of company. He liked his job and got along with his co-workers, but his natural shyness kept him from socializing much and making new friends, especially new gay friends. I knew that having Zack and Troy around, even if only for a week, would help lift his spirits. I also knew the boys would enjoy frolicking in the ocean much more than anything we could do together in Washington. Plus, as their spring break actually fell right during my finals week, our time together would have been limited anyway. So it all worked out for the best.

For me, living with the girls was both a blessing and a curse. I loved having more time to spend with Liam. Playing with my toddler nephew was the best therapy no amount of money could buy. The kid was so cute and loving and silly, it was impossible to be in the same room with him and not be happy. I didn't even mind when he fussed, since he typically quieted down for me faster than for the girls. I could tell that irked them a bit, with Rosalie chalking it up to the novelty of me being a guy, and that probably had a lot to do with it, but there was no denying Liam and I had a special bond.

As with everything else, however, there couldn't just be an upside with no consequences. Maggie tried to tone it down and be subtle, but I knew I was constantly being watched. My food intake was scrutinized and while she never actually said anything, I knew if I went out to bars more than a couple of times a week, I'd get at least a disappointed look, if not an outright lecture. My prying sister also made sure I kept all my therapy appointments, separate from the post mortem I had to go through with her about what happened with Cliff. It was, in so many ways, like going back in time to Freshman year, only this time I was able to shower by myself. Though, after I discovered that Liam liked showers better than baths, when I had the time I took him into the shower with me. Loving his giggles and the way he tried to bat at the water spray, I knew this would be a ritual I'd miss when I moved out.

Rosalie and Maggie weren’t particularly pleased with me when I explained the reason why Cliff and I broke up. Since Rosalie didn't know Jasper, she merely shook her head at me with disappointment, but didn't try to lecture. Maggie, however, wasn't able to leave it at that.

"Edward, I know how much you cared about him, but it's been nearly three years. I think maybe it's time for you to change therapists, because clearly Dr. Furman is not being effective. I cannot believe this obsession caused you to lose Cliff. Cliff! I couldn't create a more perfect man for you if I tried."

I knew she was just frustrated with me and wasn't really trying to hurt me, so I did my best to ignore her words, but as hard as I tried, her condemnation still stung.

"Mags, just think about it. If you did something horrible, something that hurt Rose and caused her to leave you, would it matter if I put Helen, or Aphrodite or Galatea in front of you? Would that make you forget what you did and stop you from wanting to make things right and to get Rose back?"

She opened her mouth to respond, then closed it again without saying anything. I could tell she was finally trying to imagine herself in my situation, and beginning to understand.

"All right," she conceded, "I see your point. But there are some things in the world you never get a chance to make right. What if this is one of them? You're being too hard on yourself, big brother. The punishment should fit the crime, and you didn't even do anything wrong, not really. Certainly not intentionally. It was a misunderstanding. How long are you going to make yourself suffer like this for a simple mistake that you may not be able to fix? Especially since you already tried to fix it once."

"I don't know," I shook my head. "I suppose either until I do fix it or until I meet a guy who makes me want to stop trying."

"And Cliff wasn't that guy?" she asked softly, sadly.

"I wish to God he had been, Mags. I do love him. It kills me that I couldn’t put Jasper out of my mind for him. I feel I owe him so much more than I was able to give him. But even though I did my best, this just wasn't something I could control. And in the end, he needed to leave, and the only thing I could do for him was to let him go."

"Okay," she wrapped her two small hands around my larger ones, which I'd clasped between my knees. "I can see you're doing a helluava job beating yourself up, so I don't need to contribute. But this other guy, the one that could make you forget, promise me that you'll keep looking for him? I don't want to see you go through life alone."

"Not just yet, Maggie," I replied realistically. "But after some time passes, yeah, I'll start looking again."

"We have a deal," she said, squeezing my hands. "And I'll hold you to it."

And I didn't doubt for a second that she would.